- This is rather unconventional as far as style goes, not that I would discourage you from that, but from a subjective point of view (my own), it's usually a more pleasant experience when the writing feels more focused rather than wandering around various details. Could be it might work in the bigger picture, don't know.
- I wouldn't use a "/" in the prose unless it's for something technical like a file directory
- There's too much repetition. For example "...and watch a movie since tonight was movie night! Penny has been on an Arnold Schwarzenegger binge and tonight’s movie is the family-friendly classic The Predator. He usually spends movie night..." Repetition is fine if it's used effectively as a stylistic choice, but not so much when it feels like you've run out of words for a particular idea.
- Make sure you have a firm grasp of who the narrator is. If it's third person, it seems kind of weird that the character is dwelling on how long he's been dating his girlfriend, when they fucked, her Kardashian features, etc. Usually, exposition can be inserted into the prose more naturally when something in the scene gets the viewpoint character thinking on it. If you have a more omniscient and maybe whacky type of narrator, you could get away with more exposition. And even more if the prose is dripping with charm, wit, style, humor, etc.
Here's an example from the beginning of a fantasy novel called Mistborn. Where I bold is where the exposition is placed organically. Something the character might naturally be thinking about at that moment.
"Ash fell from the sky.
Lord Tresting frowned, glancing up at the ruddy, mid-day sky as his servants scuttled forward, opening a parasol over Tresting and his distinguished guest.
Ashfalls weren’t that uncommon in the Final Empire, but Tresting had hoped to avoid getting soot stains on his fine new suit coat and red vest, which had just arrived via canal boat
from Luthadel itself. Fortunately, there wasn’t much wind—the parasol would likely be effective.
Tresting stood with his guest on a small hilltop patio which overlooked the fields. Hundreds of people in brown smocks worked in the falling ash, caring for the crops. There was a sluggishness to their efforts—
but, of course, that was the way of the skaa. The peasants were an indolent, unproductive lot. The didn’t complain, of course—they knew better than that. Instead, they simply worked with bowed heads, moving about their work with quiet apathy. The passing whip of a taskmaster would force them into dedicated motion for a few moments, but as soon as the taskmaster passed, they would return to their languor.
Tresting turned to the man standing beside him on the hill. “One would think,” Tresting noted, “that
a thousand years of working in fields would have bred them to be a little more effective at it.”
The obligator turned, raising an eyebrow—the motion done as if to highlight his most distinctive feature, the intricate tattoos that laced the skin around his eyes. The tattoos were enormous, reaching all the way across his brow and up the sides of his nose.
This was a full prelan—a very important obligator indeed. Tresting had his own, personal obligators back at the manor, but they were only minor functionaries, with barely a few marks around their eyes. This man had arrived from Luthadel with the same canal boat that had brought Tresting’s new suit."
Hope that helps.
CloudNull
@SLoWMoTIoN
Tesseract
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