Gay and Bisexual Coming-out thread |OT|
- Thread starter Replicant
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Hey guys. I guess I should say a brief summary about my story... Basically I've known I'm gay since I was about 13 years old I'd say, and I never told anyone. I'm not really that close with my family. The closest person to me is probably my sister, who I love to death. I found out she was a lesbian two years ago, and it really encouraged me to at least tell my mom, but I haven't done it yet. As I said, my relationship with my parents and my family in general is pretty shaky, so I don't really feel the need to tell them. My sister, however, did tell my mom and dad. Mom was totally fine with it and supports her, dad wasn't too accepting of it. They stopped talking for a while, but I think they're on good terms now. He's not really accepting of it, though. My brother also flipped out and stopped talking to her, and I believe they still haven't talked (this was like 2 years ago...)
Anyway, I started college in September, and since then I've started telling people. It was really difficult at first, but I've been getting a lot better at it. It's not like I go around telling people I just met that I'm gay, but I have told pretty much all the people I normally hang out with. They've all been really accepting, except for one guy who was a total dick to me. (I never really liked him anyway, he's a sleazy player and has cheated on like 3 of the girls in our group...)
Also, I guess I kind of need some advice. I met this guy at our orientation during summer... He's basically my dream guy. He's not perfect by any means, but he's hilarious, really attractive, nerdy, loves video games, outgoing... I could go on and on, but you get the point. Anyway, I talk to him often, and we're friends. When I'm around him, I just feel so nervous... but he also makes me extremely happy. He used to be pretty close to me at times. He would hug me randomly, and one day, we were hanging out at a friend's room, I was laying on her bed, and he came over and literally laid down on top of me and just stayed there for a while. It was really strange, but needless to say, it was probably the best night I've had here, haha. Anyway, I'm pretty sure he's not gay... I know there's this one girl in our group who he really likes, but part of me REALLY wants to tell him my feelings for him. I don't really know what to expect from it... I mean, I'm guessing he's just gonna reject me. But in a way, I feel like that might be a good thing. If he really doesn't like me or isn't gay, I'd rather start getting over him now than just continuing to live a fantasy. What do you guys think?
EDIT: Would this last part be considered "relationship" material? Sorry if so, I can get rid of it.
Anyway, I started college in September, and since then I've started telling people. It was really difficult at first, but I've been getting a lot better at it. It's not like I go around telling people I just met that I'm gay, but I have told pretty much all the people I normally hang out with. They've all been really accepting, except for one guy who was a total dick to me. (I never really liked him anyway, he's a sleazy player and has cheated on like 3 of the girls in our group...)
Also, I guess I kind of need some advice. I met this guy at our orientation during summer... He's basically my dream guy. He's not perfect by any means, but he's hilarious, really attractive, nerdy, loves video games, outgoing... I could go on and on, but you get the point. Anyway, I talk to him often, and we're friends. When I'm around him, I just feel so nervous... but he also makes me extremely happy. He used to be pretty close to me at times. He would hug me randomly, and one day, we were hanging out at a friend's room, I was laying on her bed, and he came over and literally laid down on top of me and just stayed there for a while. It was really strange, but needless to say, it was probably the best night I've had here, haha. Anyway, I'm pretty sure he's not gay... I know there's this one girl in our group who he really likes, but part of me REALLY wants to tell him my feelings for him. I don't really know what to expect from it... I mean, I'm guessing he's just gonna reject me. But in a way, I feel like that might be a good thing. If he really doesn't like me or isn't gay, I'd rather start getting over him now than just continuing to live a fantasy. What do you guys think?
EDIT: Would this last part be considered "relationship" material? Sorry if so, I can get rid of it.
It's not unheard of (see earlier discussion on the fluid nature of sexuality), but it's pretty rare to be gay as opposed to bi and for it all to be a phase and really you're straight after all. Though I do know a girl who for years swore she was a lesbian (and made good on that sexually) then one day met a guy who rocked her world and has now been with him for a very long time and finds women don't excite her anymore.Larson Conway said:
But the short of it: Don't worry about it. Right now, you are gay. You like the same sex. You don't have a crystal ball and why would you even want to predict the future if you could? Live for the nooooow, man, and anyone who asks "is it a phase" you can reply to with "is your being straight a phase?"
blame space
Banned
i mean, being alive is a phase
Larson Conway
Member
Noted. Lovely way to put it.Suairyu said:
blame space
Banned
Suairyu said:
sorry man
ZephyrFate
Banned
I think sexuality is ultimately very fluid, but to varying degrees.
Siebzehn50
Member
I've always said that if it was relavent in conversation I would never refrain from mentioning my sexulity. I guess Im more of a coward than I thought :-(
My brother in law, who isnt exactly pro gay, brought up homosexuality with me today and while I argued very strongly for homosexuality and tried to convince him that there was nothing wrong with it I never put myself out there and mentioned my sexuality.
Ah well, its probably not a huge deal but I just disappointed myself.
My brother in law, who isnt exactly pro gay, brought up homosexuality with me today and while I argued very strongly for homosexuality and tried to convince him that there was nothing wrong with it I never put myself out there and mentioned my sexuality.
Ah well, its probably not a huge deal but I just disappointed myself.
Stupid 2 threads of fail.Oyashiro said:
Anyway, take your time with telling family, there is no rush. Have you told your sister? As for the other, there is no right way to approach that one. My gut feeling on things like that is if you want to tell him, tell him. If he is worth having as a friend he will be able to deal with it even if he is not gay. But I take no responsibility for any aftermath this advice may cause! :lol
Don't beat yourself up, it sounds like it was a general discussion, not 'did I tell you about my... partner... Pat?' type of evasiveness thing.Siebzehn50 said:
Siebzehn50
Member
Well I mentioned to some of my friends from high school that I was bi. They were all cool with it, not a big deal at all. So far everyone I've mentioned it to has been very ok with it.
ZephyrFate
Banned
It'll make a pattern, you'll see.
The family and I are moving from the townhouse to another place around February. By the time we leave, our stay here will have been just under a year. Objectively, that's just a blip, but it seems like I'll always remember this place. In a way it served as a bridge between childhood and adulthood. I've begun to make peace with a lot of things while I've been here, and for the first time in a years I feel like I'm seeing things clearly. This little townhouse is going to stay with me for a long time to come.
So cheers to places that are unremarkable in every way, save for what they mean to us
So cheers to places that are unremarkable in every way, save for what they mean to us
Came out to my mom last night @-@ Everything went smoothly. I could have picked a better time in her life to let her know, but I've been meaning to tell her and it was the perfect time in my life, so I just went ahead and did it. We've had a lot of family stuff going on lately, and she just came back yesterday from Chicago packing up our house (just sold it), so her emotions were already running high. I just said, "Eric and I are together," during a moment of silence during dinner, because she had been asking me about my "friend" Eric, who's my boyfriend, and kept saying his name in a really sarcastic way, so I figured she knew. And she did know. It was really easy, almost obnoxiously so, haha. I've been building up this moment for so long, expecting the absolute worst, and all she said was, "I already knew." Then she cried, a lot. Not necessarily because of me, but just because of everything going on in her life (reeeeeeeally long and complicated story that has huge implications on why it's taken me so long to come out (I'm 24)).
Today, the topic hasn't even been brought up. We're just doing what we normally do (I live with her), and nothing is any different.
Now to introduce her to Eric... oy...
Today, the topic hasn't even been brought up. We're just doing what we normally do (I live with her), and nothing is any different.
Now to introduce her to Eric... oy...
I don't know where to really start.
All I can say is that sometimes it gets really lonely when you don't have anyone to relate to. I've been to a club with a friend, but the whole thing was just akward. We've been friends since childhood and he figured I would like the place because I've always been into the music, but as soon as we got there he went MIA because he was looking for a piece of ass (his words).
I'm the type that loves music and movies, intimate moments and things like that. I'd love to talk, visit places around town, just hang out, but it seems like I don't know where or how to find that person. Coming out to some of my other friends is easier said than done because they're really homophobic and that gets to me at times.
I mistakingly posted in the relationship thread when I should've posted in this one. Sorry about that.
All I can say is that sometimes it gets really lonely when you don't have anyone to relate to. I've been to a club with a friend, but the whole thing was just akward. We've been friends since childhood and he figured I would like the place because I've always been into the music, but as soon as we got there he went MIA because he was looking for a piece of ass (his words).
I'm the type that loves music and movies, intimate moments and things like that. I'd love to talk, visit places around town, just hang out, but it seems like I don't know where or how to find that person. Coming out to some of my other friends is easier said than done because they're really homophobic and that gets to me at times.
I mistakingly posted in the relationship thread when I should've posted in this one. Sorry about that.
krypt0nian
Banned
Hotsuma said:
Does your town have a LGBT community center? Or fundraising groups? Usually you'll find more centered social friends that way.
Hey look! A duck!
krypt0nian
Banned
Sai-kun said:
It's pretty arbitrary really. Since the megathreads got moved to Community, we should start up a new all purpose thread there and come together, right now, over me.
Over me.
ZephyrFate
Banned
Go for it.krypt0nian said:
I get why the rule was implemented, but relationships and coming out are so tightly entwined for so many gay and bisexual people that it makes sense to keep the two as one. Also, quite arguably, "coming out" is a part of your relationship with other people anyway.Sai-kun said:
All I'm saying is that there is a really really blurred grey area in our case. Also, it'd be great to have someone come out, then with in-thread continuity go on to have a date or something a few pages later.
Do it. Use a title similar to the one I suggested to stress the thread's purpose, not just a generic "Gay Bisexual Thread |OT|" - that will get closed.krypt0nian said:
runlikehell
Banned
I find it frustrating that the mega-thread was closed, despite not posting much.
It really pushed the LGBT community on GAF apart, whereas 'straight-GAF' can start as many threads as they like on fit women or whatever takes their fancy, sometimes it feels like every other thread in OT is girl-age related.
It really pushed the LGBT community on GAF apart, whereas 'straight-GAF' can start as many threads as they like on fit women or whatever takes their fancy, sometimes it feels like every other thread in OT is girl-age related.
I believe the last thread was closed in the great thread cull of 2010. People didn't like the idea of "category threads", like The Black thread, the Asian thread etc. So then a White thread was made and all hell broke loose and the ultimate decision up top was that you can't just have something like that, you need a purpose for each thread.Alcoori said:
Hence "coming out" and "relationship" for gays.
I completely get the reason. I empathise. I am opposed to the idea of a generic "Gay/Bi Thread" I just think in this case those two ideas work better as a single thread.
BlazingDarkness
Member
Just make a 'Gay Culture' thread and have done with it, it's dumb having two threads.
Cosmic Bus
pristine morning snow
Evilore closed the original thread because he doesn't want there to be that community aspect, the chattiness and familiarity, supposedly because it's unfocused and off-putting to the straights (??!) or something stupid like that. But 25 new girl-age and fap threads every week are fine, I guess, and those two "creepy" threads are the most random, ostracizing things this side of 4chan, so it isn't as though there's any consistency in the way GAF is run.
runlikehell
Banned
Roto13 said:
People like myself are very opposed to the idea of "gay culture". Even the form that does exist, many gay and bisexual people dislike it. Also, gay culture doesn't necessarily include relationships or coming out. It's also a dangerous statement in general and I frown upon the similar "black culture" thread.BlazingDarkness said:
ZephyrFate
Banned
Wow, you're an asshole.Roto13 said:
ZephyrFate
Banned
I can see how it would appear exclusive, though. Gay and Bisexual Culture would a better merged topic.Alcoori said:
It's damaging. For one, it sets the expectation that people have to define themselves by their sexuality. What sex you're attracted to shouldn't rule someone like that.Alcoori said:
It excludes. What if a gay person doesn't like The Gay Culture? They feel ostracised. I know this because I had to suffer through that myself somewhat before I matured enough to realise I didn't give a fuck.
It creates negative stereotypes. By identifying a particular social movement as The Gay Culture, people look at that culture and assume that is what it is to be gay. Every modern negative stereotype of homosexuals today is a result of 80s gay culture, I guarantee it. Raging queens. Limp wrists. Lisps. Sexual promiscuity. Bitchiness. Ridiculous sense of fashion. Call it something other than The Gay Culture, because by calling it The Gay Culture you're advertising your own view of what it is to be gay to the world as The way to be gay.
"Black culture" is equally as horrific in this way. People on this board say "black culture" they mean "African American culture", by name alone ostracising all non-American blacks and also saying to everyone else "this is what it means to be black!"
But most of all this is about keeping one single thread and not having it closed. Discussing "gay culture" is not discussing coming out or having relationships. Or maybe it is but it just isn't discussing people who don't sign onto The (probably USA-centric) Gay Culture and their relationships or coming out. That's crossing wired and making a megathread.
A better proposal is that we all just stick to the relationships thread and update the OP to specify that a huge part of gay/bi relationships, romantic or otherwise, is that coming out process. Which is entirely true and everyone could agree on. Unlike Gay Culture.
So just don't give it a name that implies a monolithic identity for gay or bisexual people. Call it The Fantabulous Culture or something, marking it for what it is: a social movement primarily comprised of the gay/bi demographic, rather than The gay/bi social movement.FoneBone said:
ZephyrFate
Banned
You realize there's a difference between 'gay culture' (which is all encompassing and broad) and stereotypes (what you pointed out as negative)? Culture does not define you as one type of person or another... culture is an incredibly broad category that encompasses a wide variety of individuals... in this case, homosexuals. It does not prescribe or condone one lifestyle or another because they are all part of gay culture.Suairyu said:
Souldriver
Member
Meh, I disagree that being gay means you're part of a culture, no matter how broad you define the word "culture". It just sounds a little weird. Like "Stuff white people like" or something. :lol
However, at the end of the day, I don't care what the thread is called. I'm just sad that the Queer thread got closed. I didn't really post all that much in it, but the thread title caught my eye every time it popped up on the front page, and i regularly lurked in it. The two new threads...not so much. Funny how that goes.
However, at the end of the day, I don't care what the thread is called. I'm just sad that the Queer thread got closed. I didn't really post all that much in it, but the thread title caught my eye every time it popped up on the front page, and i regularly lurked in it. The two new threads...not so much. Funny how that goes.
I do. I also realise there's a difference between the intention of the word and how historically the gay 'community' has propagated the ever-consuming Gay Identity in the name of culture.ZephyrFate said:
Feminism went through a similar crisis in the 80s when 'sisterhood' came not to mean the idea of all women sticking out for each other but white, middle-class women getting what they want. Public perception of feminism hasn't ever really recovered since from the negativity that arose from that period. I firmly believe the idea of "<sexual orientation> culture" is just as negative. I would rather a thread be committed to discussing a particular issue (such as homosexual/bisexual relationships) than making claims as to be about culture. Because it won't be.
EDIT - I'll simplify it: 'relationships' is just as broad and all-encompassing a term as 'culture' without all the political baggage and also adds a little bit of focus to stop things from becoming a megathread. If people then want to discuss PRIDE events or political issues they can make a new thread for each specific event.
Suairyu said:
Now you're just being ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with being a raging queen, having a lips or get all fabulous. You might not like it, but that doesn't give you the right to label this as a negative stereotype.
If anything, the stereotype of the guy who tries to downplay anything gay about himself is damaging because it implies you should be ashamed of being different.
Being gay doesn't imply you have to do anything. IMO, the gay culture is much more a symbol of being who you feel like being rather than follow a predetermined BS about gender roles and the like.
I can understand not being into it, I can understand not identifying with anything in it. I didn't at first and I don't now, but I am glad that it exists because I know some people find solace in knowing they're not alone.
I feel sorry that you felt ostracized. But that's not the fault of the gay culture, like you said it's your own immaturity who made you feel like that.
I'm a guy, I should like sports because that's what is expected from you. However I don't, and I don't think I ever felt bad about it or less of a man.
edit: I do agree with the relationshipt/CO thread though. But one shouldn't be offended if campy gays replied in it because like it or not, it IS one side of the whole community.
krypt0nian
Banned
Gay Culture was a safe place for me while coming out. It was a group of commonalities, some of which I shared, that I could cling to until I became more centered and able to get through this newly admitted state of being.
It has always meant something positive, and good, and very special. Does that mean everyone has to love Erasure, or clothes shopping, or drag? Nope.
And if the public at large still gets the impression of that due to "bad" stereotypes, fuck them. I still think it's important to celebrate gay culture in all of the worlds it touches.
It has always meant something positive, and good, and very special. Does that mean everyone has to love Erasure, or clothes shopping, or drag? Nope.
And if the public at large still gets the impression of that due to "bad" stereotypes, fuck them. I still think it's important to celebrate gay culture in all of the worlds it touches.
I never said there was anything wrong with being any of those things. What is wrong is that people make homophobic jokes centred around the idea of being lisping raging queens. Camp defined gay. That was damaging not only to non-camp homosexuals but also camp homosexuals.Alcoori said:
I can also visit America and find a bunch of gun-toting rednecks who have crazy "I know ma rights!" accents yet are genuinely great people. Doesn't mean that gun-toting redneck as a stereotype isn't damaging.
What? How is not being camp downplaying homosexuality? That's just as bad a term as "straight acting". I am who I am and I don't let my sexuality define my personality. That isn't downplaying my sexual orientation because as far as I am concerned my sexual orientation is meaningless on that level. It simply defines who I am attracted to, not how I act.
So don't call it gay culture. That has nothing to do with being gay. In fact, what you just described is feminism or queer theory (technical term, though I dislike the name), not gay culture. You're ascribing sexual orientation to an ideal, or maybe the other way around, and both are dangerous.
But those things exist without the need for a gay culture. They're satisfied by LGBT groups or organisations. Not by culture.
My immaturity didn't make me feel ostracised. My immaturity was letting it get to me.
Nor should you.
Again, you've just painted me a bigot by not reading what I wrote. That genuinely hurts.
D
Deleted member 30609
Unconfirmed Member
I feel like, without going on to provide evidence or back this up in any meaningful way because fuck you, the amount of gay people that come out and feel the need to separate themselves from the all-consuming stereotype that is a 'gay person' speaks to how damaging and belittling the current idea of mainstream, stereotypical 'gay culture' is to closeted people, recently out people and the generally less 'metro' gay people in society, of which there are, if not the majority than certainly a not insubstantial percentage.
I'm happy to celebrate all kinds of different people, gay or straight or black or white or x and y, I'm not saying the only sort of gay people worth celebrating are those who are (gigantic quote signs here) "normal", but at the same time I would say the net affect of this culture is ultimately inherently exclusionary, embarrassing and borderline damaging for all involved. We are whole people. Constantly focusing in on the hyper-sexualised or flaunting your sexuality as a defining feature remains as obnoxious in gay people as it is in dude-bro straight people, except in this case there's less of us, and the alternatives don't have a voice, else we have a voice but are drowned out by the louder voices.
I'm happy to celebrate all kinds of different people, gay or straight or black or white or x and y, I'm not saying the only sort of gay people worth celebrating are those who are (gigantic quote signs here) "normal", but at the same time I would say the net affect of this culture is ultimately inherently exclusionary, embarrassing and borderline damaging for all involved. We are whole people. Constantly focusing in on the hyper-sexualised or flaunting your sexuality as a defining feature remains as obnoxious in gay people as it is in dude-bro straight people, except in this case there's less of us, and the alternatives don't have a voice, else we have a voice but are drowned out by the louder voices.
I have yet to see a remotely coherent defintion of a person who "is defined by their sexuality". It's just a strawman for people insecure in others' perceptions to criticize anyone who is more upfront about their sexuality than themselves.Suairyu said:
Rez said:
You know what? The best way to challenge stereotypes is to be out and proud while being non-stereotypical. And I have little sympathy for those who are so afraid of those stereotypes as to stay wholly or partially in the closet because of them.
krypt0nian
Banned
I went through a short period where I wa afraid of all of this camp defining me. Then I grew up.
D
Deleted member 30609
Unconfirmed Member
when your sexuality is the thing you outwardly flaunt, be it in the way you dress, to the conversations you start, to the mannerisms you intentionally project, to the scenes you partake in... when it is the the thing you project more than anything else, be it an the stereotypically dudebro male, to the female wearing disgustingly over the top bright red lipstick and a gigantic classless tramp stamp, to the short shorts and tight pink tshirt on a gay man, all of these things project one clear fact first and foremost, before any other engagement with the other party can begin, be it verbally or otherwise.FoneBone said:
I'm not outwardly scared or apologetic myself, but I know damn well how illogical your own brain can interpret situations like this before you come out. I don't wish the bullshit your mind has to put up with before you come out on anyone, and I think it's something worth fighting for. It's certainly more important a gay issue than marriage. It is THE gay issue.FoneBone said:
krypt0nian
Banned
Rez said:
But there is nothing wrong if someone does do this. It's their life really.
Does not reflect on anyone else's life. Celebrate diversity.
Cosmic Bus
pristine morning snow
krypt0nian said:
Campos mentis.
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