hhhhhhhhgggggggggggggg
this isn't getting any fucking better.
I tried to cheer myself up. Haven't contacted Zack in nearly 60 hours, at this point I am confident that he is out of my life and will never be a part of it again. I don't think anything can change this. That is good.
I made an OKcupid account, filled out some basic stuff to find a cuddlebuddy so I can get some physical touch while I'm in my "healing" period - with no promise or expectations of a longterm relationship or sex. This is also good.
I got ten responses and like a hundred pageviews in the first two hours, mostly from hot guys. This is awesome, and made me feel like a pimp for around two hours.
Then my friends started commenting on/altering me off a "changed relationship" status on my ex (who has been removed from, but not blocked from, my facebook feed from some time), and I flip the fuck out and..... do something incredibly stupid and pathetic that I immediately regretted. I sent his new bf a "warning". I seriously wish I hadn't done this, I'm sure it made me look like a fucking psycho stalker, but I did it. New bf was.... a little bit TOO cruel in his response, but I tried not to let it get to me, blocked him, am never going to be a fucking creeper and try to contact him again, and got back to talking to friends on FB. Friends who.... would not tell me things about zack. I also told pretty much everyone I'm very close friends with to remove him from their friend list to avoid the possibility of me seeing his updates again, because I'm not fucking over this yet, as much as I'm trying. They all comply, and in a beautiful moment, a friend who I thought didn't care anymore tells me I'm a beautiful person inside and outside and I deserve all of the care and attention in the world, just gives me a wonderful heartfelt monologue. Not influenced by attraction, just out of the bottom of his fucking heart tells me how special I am. Felt awesome, got back on track, aaaaaaand couldn't get to sleep tonight due to an immense amount of pain from trying to ignore everything about the life I had five days ago.
I'm just going to come right out and say it, as the motherfucking obvious connection of who he was dating, the new bf's response, him talking about hi "new friend", the pocketdial a week ago where he was blatantly talking about having sex (I thought it was about me! D

, and his attitude towards me for the past month:
I was cheated on by the fucking love of my life, all while he was telling me he loved me, cared about me, and wasn't going to leave me.
Why can't my fucking life catch a break? WHY DO I HAVE TO LEARN THESE THINGS?
Ugh. I don't even want an OKCupid cuddlebuddy anymore, even with no expectations of a relationship I fear with my current luck he's going to rape me, then I'm going to fall in love because abominable shitstains on mankind are apparently "my type".
I sincerely hope Karma exists outside of reddit, and Zack will be getting his heart physically ripped out of his chest in the next few months. I don't even want revenge at this point, it would just make me look desperate, but I cannot possibly imagine a fair universe where this man does not die in the most painful, degrading way possible.
Fuck this, I'm taking up boxing.
PS: I got my desired closure and now know why he didn't do this in person or tell me why! ISN'T THAT FUCKING WONDERFUL?
In closing, if I see him again, I am going to have to use every single bit of willpower in my body to not sit him down and tell him about how much I love huey lewis and the news.
I am sorry to keep bothering you with this, relationship thread. I am, at the moment, no longer sad, and although support would be appreciated I certainly don't require it, and posting here to vent seems rude.... But it's not like I can just go to my facebook wall and describe how much hatred I have for a person I share fifty fucking mutual friends with.