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[pramod]

Any parents here? I am about at the end of my rope dealing with my teenage son and not sure what to do.

He just turned 14 and has almost zero respect for authority. We have set rules for him regarding how many hours a day he can spend on his cell phone or playing games on his PC, but he would try to lie/cheat constantly to subvert the rules. And it's not like we can just spank him, he is already 14.

I've tried almost everything: sitting him down and calmly discuss the rules (which he agreed to), offered rewards/incentives if he followed them, even threatened to just shut down his cell phone account. But nothing seems to work. Unless I watch him like a hawk, he would use every opportunity to sneak in more game playing time on his PC/phone. He has even threatened us with physical violence when we threatened to take away his phone, although I'm not sure if he was serious or not.

The most disappointing aspect is the fact that he constantly tries to deceives us. What kind of child did we raise that would constantly lie/cheat his own parents to get his way? What kind of adult would he end up being? We tell him that limiting his game playing time is for his own good, but he obviously doesn't care. I mean I know at least he isn't taking drugs or something like that, but his behavior is still totally unacceptable.

 

[Papa]

Punch him

Tesseract

 

[Rentahamster]

even threatened to just shut down his cell phone account

Unless I watch him like a hawk, he would use every opportunity to sneak in more game playing time on his PC/phone.

Threats have no weight if you don't follow through.

 

[Spukc]

Military school

 

[AV]

The most disappointing aspect is the fact that he constantly tries to deceives us. What kind of child did we raise that would constantly lie/cheat his own parents to get his way?

The majority of teenagers do this to one degree or another, don't beat yourself up. Me and my mum got on just fine when I was a teen but she doesn't know jack about what I was actually getting up to, I lied to her face constantly.

 

[West Texas CEO]

This is what uncles are for.

 

[GymWolf]

Since when 14 is too grown up to receive physical punishment?

At 14 my mother broke countless broomsticks on my back

 

[Toytown Assassin]

I gave mine time limited access to the internet via the router for their phones and pcs. On top of that when my son got gobby about the situation I took his computer screens away for a week. Zero problems after that.

 

[Cato]

Threats have no weight if you don't follow through.

What Rentahamster said * 100

He has already learnt he can just ignore you because you never follow through on the threats.

Just disable his cell phone account and cut off internet. You need to show him who is in charge or he will
1, at best just keep steamrolling you and your wife, 2, probably grow up learning this behaviour solves problems and will steamroll everyone else around him.

If he threathens to use violence on you or your wife. That is a red line. You slap him hard, and throw him into his room.
Once your child threathens you with violence, you are soo close to be a permanet failure as a parent.
You must correct his behaviour right now or else he will be so out of control that the state and police need to correct his behaviour in a few years and then it will be too late.
You decide who should correct him. You or the police in a few years.

I think you left it for almost too late if he feels confident to theathen you and the wife with violence in your own home.
You may need to get physical to reset the boundaries and make sure gets back to the right path.

 

[DrDamn]

Do you have any proper parental controls set up on his devices? Quite easy to manage screen time, apps etc on a lot of systems as well as checking website usage and searches. I use the family settings for Windows and Family Link for android mobile.

 

[nush]

Any parents here? I am about at the end of my rope dealing with my teenage son and not sure what to do.

In fact, nothing you pick your battles and this one isn't it.

He just turned 14 and has almost zero respect for authority.

Do you remember being a teenager? Puberty, homones wild mood swings? This will pass and he'll come out the other side just fine. If he's moody, throws a strop or whatever, just let it go. What you don't do is to try and control further as it will just push him away more.

We have set rules for him regarding how many hours a day he can spend on his cell phone or playing games on his PC, but he would try to lie/cheat constantly to subvert the rules. And it's not like we can just spank him, he is already 14.

He's becoming a young adult and that should have more freedoms and responsibilities along with it. Some arbitrary number you've pulled from your ass about how long he's allowed to use his devices is overly controlling and is just driving you crazy trying to enforce a rule you've just made up, just because "That's what parents are supposed to do".
Are you on Covid lockdown? What's he supposed to do when he's not on his phone PC? Come and watch TV with his parents, the screen they can watch as much as they like and that's OK?

You do know everything is on his phone? His social life, his music, his videos and porn? Imagine your parents coming in and taking your phone away.

I've tried almost everything: sitting him down and calmly discuss the rules (which he agreed to), offered rewards/incentives if he followed them, even threatened to just shut down his cell phone account. But nothing seems to work. Unless I watch him like a hawk, he would use every opportunity to sneak in more game playing time on his PC/phone.

You're being overly controlling and in so doing you're teaching him these behaviors. My dad was the same, and I learned just to agree with him so he's shut up and leave me alone quicker. Again, it comes back to what is he supposed to to when he's not on his phone or PC? Stare at a wall?

If he's done all his schoolwork, chores and not getting in trouble then he should be able to spend his free time as he wants. If those things are being neglected because of gaming only then do you have a problem.

He has even threatened us with physical violence when we threatened to take away his phone, although I'm not sure if he was serious or not.

You don't get this reaction unless you've been really hounding the kid over this.

The most disappointing aspect is the fact that he constantly tries to deceives us. What kind of child did we raise that would constantly lie/cheat his own parents to get his way? What kind of adult would he end up being?

It will pass and he'll be just as good a kid as he's always been, sorry you're not getting your power trip of controlling him any more but he's becoming a young adult. Again, your enforcing an arbitrary number of hours just "Becuse".

We tell him that limiting his game playing time is for his own good, but he obviously doesn't care.

How is it for his "Own good"? You've not made a good reasonable case for that at all.

I mean I know at least he isn't taking drugs or something like that,

Finally! This is what you should be focusing on, becuse there's a whole world of troubles he could be in and as he gets older you could still have to potentially deal with that would make you wish he was just sitting at home on his PC playing games.

but his behavior is still totally unacceptable.

Nope, you're butthurt you "Authority" has been undermined. Quite being so damn controlling and remember your sons going through puberty, soon enough he'll be out getting drunk and fucking girls (or guys, if that's his thing).

 

[ClanOfNone]

My kid's electronic devices are tied directly to their school performance. Grades are good? Then I don't give a shit. Grades in the crapper? Electronic devices get taken away and/or disabled.
As a single parent, I've had zero problems using this policy, raising two girls aged 10 and 15. My teenager would move mountains to keep her cell phone, like someone above me said their social lives are tied to cell phones in this day and age.

 

[Tesseract]

give him a year of military school, deception and threats of violence are unacceptable

 

[Spaceman292]

Take away his phone. He has an addiction. As funny as it is to contemplate, DO NOT resort to physical violence. IT WILL NOT HELP.

 

[Dark Star]

Since when 14 is too grown up to receive physical punishment?

At 14 my mother broke countless broomsticks on my back

Yeah my parents beat the hell out of me when I was 14 for all kinds of stuff. I was a pyromaniac at that age, doing fireworks on the lawn, setting school papers and anything I considered junk on fire. I broke so many things at that age, threw a baseball on the car windshield, dropped my mom's camera on concrete, even smashed into a glass table top while attempting to skateboard in the house. I was out of control and a good slap on the face is what made me wise up.

Back then I didn't have a smartphone or fast internet or even good videogames to play. What was my dad going to do? Change the WIFI password? Lol. Kids these days have it way too easy. Back then you had to make your own entertainment, and you'd get a spanking for doing anything dangerous or irresponsible. I can't even comprehend how difficult it must be for parents to raise their kids nowadays with social media being so easily accessible, and the influence it has on young minds is insane.

 

[jackets with pockets]

Looks like there's no man in the house.

 

[plushyp]

Yeah my parents slapped the hell out of me when I was 14 for all kinds of stuff. I was a pyromaniac at that age, doing fireworks on the lawn, setting school papers and anything I considered junk on fire. I broke so many things at that age, threw a baseball on the car windshield, dropped my mom's camera on concrete, even smashed into a glass table top while attempting to skateboard in the house. I was out of control and a good slap in the face is what made me smarten up.

Glad to see you've grown up, girl.

 

[Cutty Flam]

Let him do his thing brah. That’s right around the time when they need a lot of time to be themselves and reflect. Video games are a good form of meditation in a way. The phone addiction is real, maybe you should just try to to teach him how detrimental it can be

-Lack of sleep which hinders his growth in all aspects including height, strength, intelligence, immunity, focus. Lack of sleep will ruin anyone if they ruin their sleep patterns

-Depression. Moving around and being active is healthy. Sitting or lying in bed all day holding a phone is not good. He should be playing a sport or walking, practicing with a team or learning how to box ect

Video games I think he should be able to have free roam of though. As a parent, you brought him into this world. The least you can do is allow him the freedom to enjoy himself. A video game addiction is probably the least worrisome on the planet because they’re so fun and social these days being online and all. Let him git gud bro

Not sure how he acts overall, but this quarantine is getting to a lot of us. More than ever, I’ve become a control freak as well. I want everything my way, essentially I just want peace a d quiet though. But it remains, I’ve been acting out due to the frustrations that are placed upon us

Video games can teach many valuable things. Valuable life lessons, virtues, can build friendships, relationships, they’re fun, you enter a world/universe that is inspiring and interesting. I would say to encourage his video games if they keep him safe and busy

What do you want him to do?

 

[nush]

give him a year of military school, deception and threats of violence are unacceptable

 

[Cutty Flam]

The dude could just need more meals too, if he is moody or sort of low energy. Teens need a lot of food regularly. Add to the fact he’s going through puberty, might need even more nutrition. Keep him well fed and that will help a lot too. No junk, but actual balanced meals. He’ll be a beast because of your cooking. That could be a major issue. Not getting enough food, protein especially, can really mess with your serotonin levels and start to affect your overall quality of life in a negative way. Food cant hurt id say, he’s a growing boy still. Everything is still far from full grown. Maybe when he’s hitting age 23-24 it’ll lessen some. But even then, some doctors say that biologically, men develop as long as until age 28-33 even I think I read? So yeah, growth can be a huge factor. People need to be on top of their nutrition

 

[Frito_Pendejo]

This topic is weird for me because I don’t know how I’m going to approach this kind of behavior when my two-year old hits her teen years? I feel for you bro but all I can remember as a kid is if I disrespected my parents my dad would beat the shit out of me. Now I’m not saying that’s the correct approach but the times I disrespected my parents were extremely limited. To be fair, had I ever threatened my parents with physical violence I probably wouldn’t be alive to type this now.
I’m not saying to resort to beating the shit out of him but you’ve got to put your foot down. If you keep letting him walk all over you it’s just going to get worse. Trust me on this one. My brother in law is 30 years old and lives at home with his parents and threatens his parents to this day. It doesn’t just get better if you leave it alone.

 

[Deleted member 1159]

I feel like consistency is always the answer to behavioral issues. We’re mammals. We do something, get a reaction, and if that reaction is good we keep doing it, if it’s bad we do something else. Your kid has learned deception can lead to what he wants, so you need to wisen up. Not just make deception when he’s caught a crime, eliminate his ability to even think he can deceive you. And also kill him with kindness. Make him not want to deceive you because he knows you’re on his side.

Toddlers and teenagers and dogs really aren’t that complicated if you don’t try to brute force them into things. You just do the opposite of whatever they expect from their bad behavior and they basically stop doing it, in my experience. Obviously it gets more complicated the older and more (subconsciously) manipulative they get, but just don’t give in constantly and they’ll stay in check

 

[Can't decide]

My stepdad used to remove all of the plug cables (and in your case phone charger) from every electronic device I used and take them to work with him. Or you could lock them in your car. He also would go to the fuse box and shut off the electric to the bedroom.

I used to get that for not doing the washing up or mowing the lawn etc, let alone being a little shit.

 

[and 3 others]

When they were 10 or so, when they screwed up significantly, you just needed to beat him within an inch of his life. After that, threats are all that's required.

 

[Greedings]

Threats with no follow through are a surefire way to make someone constantly disrespect you. If you make a threat, you better make good on it, or you seem weak and impotent.

 

[obin_gam]

Let him do mistakes to experience what the concept of consequences are.

 

[Nymphae]

threatened to just shut down his cell phone account. But nothing seems to work.

You're the parents, I would suggest taking these threats a little more seriously. Take the games and phone away if the agreed upon terms are not being met. Literally confiscate the PC, console, phone, whatever, cancel the phone plan and related subscriptions you are paying for.

 

[NeoGiffer]

 

[xrnzaaas]

A few good posts in this thread:
- ban or limit his devices / social media / Internet access
- be consistent and don't make exceptions becuase you feel bad about punishing your kid

 

[Nester99]

You know how you can tell if a teenager is lying? Their mouth is moving.

sounds like you cave on the punishments Take away the iPad/phone if the behavior is not up to standard.

all teenagers lie. Don’t feel bad

 

[JordanN]

Does he have a job? 14 years old is when teenagers first begin High School right?

Honestly, I would demand he starts looking for work or that he pays rent. It's the only way to put the squeeze on these type of people.

Remind them that their life wont be subsidized forever and that they'll eventually have to deal with the real world for good.

 

[Super Mario]

Be stern on your reprimanding, but choose your battles.

Is your biggest problem that your 14 year old wants to play video games? I can easily think of 10 way worse things that make other parents wish their kids were playing video games

 

[JordanN]

Let him do his thing brah. That’s right around the time when they need a lot of time to be themselves and reflect.

I know it's anecdotal evidence but I absolutely do not approve of this advice.

I would like to bring up some of the "harsh" truths in life and tell people why are Asian families more successful than others?

They get criticized for being too strict but then have you ever noticed why their children still grow up to be successful or never get into trouble?

You don't ever let this rebellious or slacker attitude develop. It has to be stamped out at the source.

 

[jufonuk]

Change the WiFi password. Down grade his cell plan. Reduce the data cap

Take his cables. Let him earn them back.

 

[Hulk_Smash]

Dr Robert Epstein has done some fantastic work in the realm of teenage rebellion. Basically his conclusion is that teens were never built to have as much free time as they do. Up until just recently in human history, most teens were already working. And nowadays sitting inside a classroom is a poor substitute for inspiring ambition. So, they learn a new behavior: rebellion. They rebel because they are bored AND because you the authority figure stand in the way of their precious free time they’ve gotten used to.

So, give them a truckload of responsibility. But, in doing so, give them the strongest incentives you can give them for completing those responsibilities. Hold that phone time over him like a carrot on a stick. Teach them that free time is not a right, it is what you do as a way of rewarding yourself for completing tasks. It also acts as a great way to take a break from hard work. But it is not a right, it is not a given.

BTW, these responsibities can be anything:

1. more chores
2. Volunteering at a non-for-profit
3. Helping neighbors
4. Learning a new instrument
5. Learning a new sport
6. Doing extra homework assignments on subjects they’re interested in (believe it or not this works on my kids).
7. Doing family activists together.
8. Working out

This approach does work. But it will mean two things from you as a parent:
1. You will end up giving up your free time for now to implement these new routines.
2. You have to enforce it. These responsibilities can come with some sweet rewards, but they are not optional.

Hope this helps. I’m in the same boat and certainly don’t claim to have all the answers. My daughter still rebels but this seems to be the only thing that works.

 

[teezzy]

Give him a GAF account, he'll stop playing games as much.

 

[EverydayBeast]

Teen years disappear fast enjoy it.

 

[ValiantTraveler]

Yeah my parents beat the hell out of me when I was 14 for all kinds of stuff. I was a pyromaniac at that age, doing fireworks on the lawn, setting school papers and anything I considered junk on fire. I broke so many things at that age, threw a baseball on the car windshield, dropped my mom's camera on concrete, even smashed into a glass table top while attempting to skateboard in the house. I was out of control and a good slap on the face is what made me wise up.

KING

 

[nush]

all teenagers lie.

Lieing is still an essential life skill.

 

[SlaughterX]

Destroy the phone or computer right in front of him, problem solved.

 

[synchronicity]

I've found that shifting the decision to the teen is about the best you can do for a compromise of giving them a sense of "freedom" while still providing proper guidance.

In other words, "You can make the choice. You have two options. A) You work within these parameters/limitations. or B) You lose complete access for a week."

If that doesn't get respected, advise that the next instance of skirting the rules will result in complete loss for one month, and continue to increase the restriction until it is either followed or the loss is permanent - until adulthood anyway. After a couple of elevations, your child will realize you are serious, if not before.

Teens are gonna teen. They'll push boundaries as much as possible. It's just part of growing up. But, you have to remain firm (and still loving). Don't allow yourself to get drawn into emotional exchange.

 

[chitzy]

Any parents here? I am about at the end of my rope dealing with my teenage son and not sure what to do.

He just turned 14 and has almost zero respect for authority. We have set rules for him regarding how many hours a day he can spend on his cell phone or playing games on his PC, but he would try to lie/cheat constantly to subvert the rules. And it's not like we can just spank him, he is already 14.

I've tried almost everything: sitting him down and calmly discuss the rules (which he agreed to), offered rewards/incentives if he followed them, even threatened to just shut down his cell phone account. But nothing seems to work. Unless I watch him like a hawk, he would use every opportunity to sneak in more game playing time on his PC/phone. He has even threatened us with physical violence when we threatened to take away his phone, although I'm not sure if he was serious or not.

The most disappointing aspect is the fact that he constantly tries to deceives us. What kind of child did we raise that would constantly lie/cheat his own parents to get his way? What kind of adult would he end up being? We tell him that limiting his game playing time is for his own good, but he obviously doesn't care. I mean I know at least he isn't taking drugs or something like that, but his behavior is still totally unacceptable.

I understand limiting game time, but what other activities does he have in his life that you think he should be spending his time on rather than game time?

 

[Grieves]

I used to block mac addresses on the router.

I even told them the password was Schumacher but they could never spell it

I was always straight with them about what they were losing it for and for how long.

In the end you provide the roof over his head and the food on the table. If he doesn't understand why that deserves respect you should probably have a chat with him about what you expect from him and why.

 

[JordanN]

I understand limiting game time, but what other activities does he have in his life that you think he should be spending his time on rather than game time?

A 14-year old needs a job.

At that age, I remember applying to every local Mcdonalds, Dairy queen, grocery store and hoping for a phone call back.

Given the current pandemic, I would tell his 14-year old to go work on a farm. Huge amount of vacancies right now and it will teach him if he doesn't want to pick fruit all his life, he better start thinking of another career in mind.

Or maybe send his ass to Walmart. It's the closest thing to putting the fear of god in him.

If he does a good job at both, then as a parent, that's when you should reward a child.

 

[haxan7]

Here you go:

 

[chitzy]

A 14-year old needs a job.

At that age, I remember applying to every local Mcdonalds, Dairy queen, grocery store and hoping for a phone call back.

Given the current pandemic, I would tell his 14-year old to go work on a farm. Huge amount of vacancies right now and it will teach him if he doesn't want to pick fruit all his life, he better start thinking of another career in mind.

Or maybe send his ass to Walmart. It's the closest thing to putting the fear of god in him.

If he does a good job at both, then as a parent, that's when you should reward a child.

I agree, the kid needs things to get him out of the house and be engaged. Sports are great for that sort of thing, but 14 is too late to begin an athletic career. A lot of this reeks of the parents failure to get the kid involved with activities outside the house.

 

[TindalosPup]

As a teenager if I wanted a phone, video games, or even just internet, I had to get a job and pay for it myself

I still live at home (finances are tight for my parents, and they have my two teenage brothers) and I've been paying the internet and my own phone bill for 11 years.... I was a good kid, too, my mom just kept me to a certain standard

My younger brothers are out of control, though, everything you're dealing with accompanied by complete sloth, fighting between each other (I've literally had to get in between them numerous times), and a copious amount of thieving (they steal literally anything and everything they can). They're like that because my Dad babies the shit out of them, so be stern and follow through with everything, my mom and I are trying to battle the shit behavior every damn day now

My mom always said, when it comes to teens, never threaten, promise repercussions

 

[NecrosaroIII]

14 isn't too late to begin athletics. Sure he won't get a college scholarship, but it's still a great use of time.

 

[chitzy]

As a teenager if I wanted a phone, video games, or even just internet, I had to get a job and pay for it myself

I still live at home (finances are tight for my parents, and they have my two teenage brothers) and I've been paying the internet and my own phone bill for 11 years.... I was a good kid, too, my mom just kept me to a certain standard

My younger brothers are out of control, though, everything you're dealing with accompanied by complete sloth, fighting between each other (I've literally had to get in between them numerous times), and a copious amount of thieving (they steal literally anything and everything they can). They're like that because my Dad babies the shit out of them, so be stern and follow through with everything, my mom and I are trying to battle the shit behavior every damn day now

My mom always said, when it comes to teens, never threaten, promise repercussions

I mean, if you're a grown man still living with your parents, I'm not sure you are the shining example of great parenting that you think you are.

 

[Airbus Jr]

Dont worry if you want respect from him just press F