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[Deleted member 713885]

So, long story short..
(Mind you, I live over an hour away from him so I am going on what I am told. I dont know what is lies and what is true)

My brother is homeless, has been off and on for a few months but for the last month is completely homeless. and while I know it's his own fault, I'm trying to at least give him some info or guidance to turn it around.

Long story short..
Hes a fuck up. Dropped out of HS at like 15 and smoked and drank his way from 15 to 28 supporting and living with my mom. Around 28 he moves in his 19 year old girlfriend, quits his one and only job he had in his life (working at Arbys for a year) and proceeds to knock her up. So, now my 29 year old brother, his GF and their kid are living at my moms, not working, receiving welfare and he decides to start popping pills (was doing it before but basically becomes a full fledge opiate addict)
2 years living with my mom, him his kid and GF, not working, opiate addict etc.. the state takes their kid. Then 6 months after that my mom retires, buys a house in Florida and leaves him and his GF in her house (shes defaulting on her mortage to go live and die in Florida. Mom gives no fucks anymore and just wants OUT of dealing with him and NJ.

So, now my brother and his GF have my mothers house...a few months till lights and water go off and bank locks the doors.

Nothing changes. He gets worse. They move in junkies and dealers in every room.
And...she gets knocked up again.

Baby is born, state instantly takes it. House is locked up and they are kicked out.

Welfare puts them up in an apartment. Brother gets a job landscaping and washing dishes (supposedly) and cant stay her he says due to Welfare saying he makes to much.
He starts living on the streets.
Goes back to get some of his stuff from her place and finds her OD'd. She gets out the hospital and now is living with family far from him.

So, last month hes been on the streets. Says he cant get a job cause he doesn't shower and clean his clothes (says hes been fired from his 2 jobs)
He has ZERO friends. Every friend he had has disowned him due to him robbing and stealing from them. His only friends are other addicts/homeless people. Nobody will give him shelter.

My days consist of him finding free Wifi and using his cell phone to connect to Facebook messenger and sending me messages about sleeping outside, getting sick, worried about winter coming, having not ate in 3 or 4 days, etc..
My mom tho..still sends him money a few times a month via Western Union. $10 here, $20 their etc..
He says he cant go to Welfare or shelters cause he has numerous arrest (shop lifting and domestic violence)
Hes also always battling a case of MERSA is seems...

I want to believe he is off drugs (he says he is) and I do want help him, I'm just not giving him money or going to see him/take him anywheres.

I have zero idea how to deal with this situation. I've never been homeless, never been an addict, never been to jail etc..
We dont live in a major city so theres not a huge amount of shelters/food banks or anything.
Maybe a church or two that feed/give out food once or twice a week. Only one mens shelter that never has open beds.
Closes "major cities" he could travel to to find better homeless support would be Camden, Trenton, or Philly...and in my opinion if he travels out to these places he will only get worse or end up dead. Figure hes better staying in the suburbs.

So, what would you do? What advice to I give a 32 year old man, hopefully off drugs, an arrest record, barely any prior work history, homeless, dirty, has or had MERSA, no friends to help him, no family, etc..

I know..I should cut contact and let shit sort its self out..but hes blood. We been through some shit with a dysfunctional family life growing up. I escaped, he didnt..

Honestly..I like when hes in jail. I know hes not on drugs, has food, a place to sleep, etc.. Kinda hoping he gets locked up soon.

 

[lil puff]

Man this is a rough one.

Have you considered an intervention? I am really sorry about this, it has to weight heavily on you as well, and affects you.

Threaten to cut him off, and make sure everyone else does.

EDIT: I understand the blood thing, but you cannot allow this to impact your life.

 

[Catphish]

I think he needs to be left alone to sort out his shit. Once he proves that he's honestly on the path to recovery, then you can help. The danger is in him becoming addicted to your assistance, which is why he needs to prove himself first.

 

[Deleted member 713885]

Man this is a rough one.

Have you considered an intervention? I am really sorry about this, it has to weight heavily on you as well, and affects you.

Threaten to cut him off, and make sure everyone else does.

EDIT: I understand the blood thing, but you cannot allow this to impact your life.

I think he needs to be left alone to sort out his shit. Once he proves that he's honestly on the path to recovery, then you can help. The danger is in him becoming addicted to your assistance, which is why he needs to prove himself first.

I havent done anything aside from chatting with him on Facebook every day or so. Last I saw him was almost a year ago. Right after my mom left I took him to fill out some applications and bought him a pack of smokes.

I cant control my mom. Nothing I do is gonna make her stop sending him money occasionally.

I worry if I cut contact 100% I'll just find out through the grape vine in a few months they found his body some where. I fear the guilt I'll have if I just disown him and he ends up dead. Guess I'd rather have one more day of listening to his sob story and giving advice rather then going radio silent and finding out hes dead.

 

[lil puff]

I havent done anything aside from chatting with him on Facebook every day or so. Last I saw him was almost a year ago. Right after my mom left I took him to fill out some applications and bought him a pack of smokes.

I cant control my mom. Nothing I do is gonna make her stop sending him money occasionally.

I worry if I cut contact 100% I'll just find out through the grape vine in a few months they found his body some where. I fear the guilt I'll have if I just disown him and he ends up dead. Guess I'd rather have one more day of listening to his sob story and giving advice rather then going radio silent and finding out hes dead.

There is no easy answer to this.

You either feed the habit, or you have to get your family to give him a choice. I know mom is hard, but talk to her about it. Again.

Would you feel better knowing you all fed him towards his death, or if you gave him a choice that he did not take? I do think you should consider how this affects YOUR and your families life. Is it possible that he influences others in your family?

I came from a dysfunctional family too and that shit spreads around. I am not trying to be harsh here.

 

[Catphish]

It's a tough choice, brother. No doubt. I've had some experience here myself. What I've learned is that you basically have two choices: enable the addict, or don't.

Sometimes enablers enable because they don't want the guilt that comes with shutting that lane down. Not to say that you're an enabler. Only you know that.

All I know is, in order for an addict to overcome, they have to want it. Once they show the will, and some semblance of determination, that's when support is effective. Otherwise, it's just wasted effort, and meaningless to the addict.

 

[Snow_Lizard]

Sorry, that sucks. If he's addicted, maybe he can get into an in-patient treatment program. Or if he suffers from some form of mental illness, could be committed. I'm not sure what's available in his state.

 

[J-Rod]

Be careful of letting him take advantage you.

 

[DunDunDunpachi]

Find something to occupy his time. If he can't find a job, then he can volunteer at a local shelter or soup kitchen. The goal should be to keep him off what put him in this situation in the first place (idleness and substance abuse).

Resolution has very little to do with how you are going to help him.

What's his plan? He's an adult and can be expected to have a serious look at his own life.

How does he plan to get out of it? Has someone asked him that?

 

[lil puff]

Find something to occupy his time. If he can't find a job, then he can volunteer at a local shelter or soup kitchen. The goal should be to keep him off what put him in this situation in the first place (idleness and substance abuse).

Resolution has very little to do with how you are going to help him.

What's his plan? He's an adult and can be expected to have a serious look at his own life.

How does he plan to get out of it? Has someone asked him that?

To me, this is good post treatment advice. However I don't know how you get an addict to make a wise decision.

 

[JordanN]

I made the mistake of trying to help someone who was down and I nearly ended up dead.
It's not your fault if some 32 year old lived a criminal life since they were 18.

If blood was important, he would be helping you, not the other way around. We need to accept there are people in life who want to live in misery.
Dragging yourself into it is just throwing away your own life.

 

[NahaNago]

I don't really know either. Look up some programs that could help him get a job and then give him the info.

 

[hivsteak]

Same experience with my older brother. He had done enough to my family and his children that I would not help him unless I had $400,000 to burn. Buy a house for him and never see him again.

If you help him you can’t expect him to change or to get anything in return. No amount of words or advice will help him.

As the poster above said find a program and get government help. No point getting yourself and your money involved unless you’re willing to lose it.

 

[Deleted member 713885]

Same experience with my older brother. He had done enough to my family and his children that I would not help him unless I had $400,000 to burn. Buy a house for him and never see him again.

If you help him you can’t expect him to change or to get anything in return. No amount of words or advice will help him.

As the poster above said find a program and get government help. No point getting yourself and your money involved unless you’re willing to lose it.

I agree. I dont offer anything aside from the other person at the end of a text message.
No money and havent seen him in close to a year.

We have no family, just me him and my mom. Shes in Florida tho and still Western Unions him like $20 a week I would guess.

Just wish I knew a way to point him in the right direction.

If I woke up tomorrow with no friends, no job, no money etc.. I dont know how I would even start over. Have no idea how hes ever gonna turn things around.

 

[mneuro]

I have been in a very similar situation, except it was my sister not brother. I tried to help a few years ago and that was met with worries for my life from drug dealers. You must cut him off. If anything bad happens to him that is his own doing not yours. He's an adult and is responsible for his own actions. This sounds harsh but take it from someone who has been in your situation and lives a much better life after completely cutting contact with my sister.

 

[cryptoadam]

I don't think I have any advice for you, just wanted to say to hang in their and do the best you can. You are in a tough situation and its hard to just drop a family member. No matter the decision you make I don't know if anyone can say its the right decision.

The only thing I will say is sometimes as much as you try and help someone, there isn't anything more you can do and that you should never feel that his bad decisions are your fault.

 

[Musky_Cheese]

Op this gonna sound fucked up but... you cant.

It’s all on him to fix it. Once he has made significant progress in that, maybe look back in to helping him.

 

[petran79]

First worry about his health. Does he require medical treatment? I guess he has not seen any doctor for years

 

[InterMusketeer]

Prison sounds like the ebst option, though I say that with a European perspective. You'll be pretty sure he's clean, and there's probably all sorts of programs where he can learn to do work. I don't know about the US, but there may be some programs that could help him reintegrate into society afterwards? Seems to me like that's the best way to start over with a clean slate though, and he'll be safe and off drugs while he's working on all that. Even better: you're not involved or responsible in any way.

 

[lil puff]

Prison sounds like the ebst option, though I say that with a European perspective. You'll be pretty sure he's clean, and there's probably all sorts of programs where he can learn to do work. I don't know about the US, but there may be some programs that could help him reintegrate into society afterwards? Seems to me like that's the best way to start over with a clean slate though, and he'll be safe and off drugs while he's working on all that. Even better: you're not involved or responsible in any way.

This is rough, but I agree. And the OP said it himself, he felt better when his bro was locked up. At the very least, it gives him time to think about his life. It might not even take that many years.

edit: I hope one day you come back here and tell us, this all worked out and he is clean.

 

[cryptoadam]

Hey OP not to derail but I remember your other tread, did everything work out with you and your girl?

 

[God Enel]

I dont know what to do in such a situation as I’ve never been in one like that. I just wanted to wish you and your brother the best of luck no matter what you decide. Hope he’ll find a way out of this mess and return back to normality somehow.

 

[Dice]

He needs to realize that his addiction is actively blocking off pathways for rightful desires. Most people who have not experienced any sort of addiction will think of it as chasing a "high" compared to a normal state of mind, but that is scientifically underselling what is happening in their brain. In nearly every single case of life-destroying addiction, you'll hear about every problem under the sun they have except for the addiction. This is because when addiction happens, their survival instincts have basically been hijacked in order to serve the next release of chemicals that will make them feel stable and safe. It's not that they require enhancement over the normal, but they feel anxiety/terror and pain without it because their brain has forgotten how to make them feel okay about anything in life without the artificial boosters.

As dependency on the substance increases, all normal sources become less and less effective. As addiction takes over and ruins their life, then they lose those other sources one by one. Their entire life becomes hurtful circumstances and ways of relating to others and the next hit then in contrast is like a massive beacon of peace, and so the brain chases it like it would chase water in the desert or shelter when one is in danger of wild animals and harsh weather. The decision-making processes of the brain are subverted, and since dignity isn't even in the conscious context when they have taken a hit, it is an escape from that existential pain as well.

Because of this, I am actually in favor of rehabilitative (like in some european countries) prison in extreme cases of addiction because the person has actually unwittingly already lost their freedom to the addiction, so then they have to be saved from it. However, as our laws still view the person as fully in control of themselves, our best shot is to help them understand this nature of addiction and make attempts to create other sources of peace and good-feelings in their life aside from the addiction. They will be faint in comparison, but they will be a dim light making a path out.

The great difficulty in this is communicating it in a way that they won't turn into an excuse of helplessness. Instead of thinking "I need to create some means of exercise, productivity, creativity, positive relation to other people, and self-worth to compete with the way drugs give me an artificial overload of what ought to be coming from those" they can easily think "Ah, so I am trapped, enslaved and incapable of making any other choices now." So as they learn about addiction's influence on the brain and decision-making, it must be made clear people can have have escaped the worst addictions, and it is a matter of slowly un-stacking the deck that is against themselves.

I don't have any links for you, but I do know there are many sites and organizations dedicated to teaching about addiction and methods for family to try using. I recommend reading up on what is happening in his brain and tips from experts in working with substance dependent homeless.

Edit: I forgot to mention the nature of how their decision-making processes are subverted. It's not just a clear-cut This vs That thing. It doesn't reach that point until they are at a high level of withdrawal, and by that point their will is practically not their own. However, it begins much, much earlier, as our brain subconsciously guides us in patterns that lead us to the things we desire. It's good to think of it as a funnel, wide at the top and narrow at the bottom, and the deeper in the more difficult it is to reverse. That funnel would represent networks of behaviors and triggers each with minor hits of reward, and as one approaches a hit from the drug there are large releases even before taking it to continue pushing one toward it.

So one may be thinking or acting in certain ways which to them appears like being good and avoiding the drug, but if one were to examine their behavior patterns of how they ultimately end up obtaining more, it matches exactly. So it is essential to break the patterns by creating new patterns, to stay in a "good funnel" of new practices that find them and cultivate other sources of a sense of good, and not the old one which finds a fake version in drugs. Judging by the ages you mention and lack of work history, he probably never learned how these things can even come from healthy sources, and before substances may have found his peace from entertainment, porn, unhealthy food, etc.

So it will be a challenge, as his brain will have to have some positive experiences in other things to slowly recognize other things not as a means to the end of drugs, but as ends in themselves. Then as healthy contexts of experience are built, it will be easier to create that "competing funnel" of behavior and decision patterns. Many have found good beginnings in religion, others in charitable efforts, others in creativity such as music, others in learning, physical training, etc.

 

[God Enel]

Dice awesome post.

 

[lil puff]

that was a very nice post Dice. As someone that drinks too much, it was helpful to me too.