How to deal with parenting two very different children.

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shanshan310

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So this is in part a tale of my personal troubles at home, but also an open thread for people to come and share their experiences.

I think I was a pretty good kid growing up. My parents didn't discipline me much (though they put their foot down about things they didn't want me doing) but honestly they never really needed to. I enjoyed going to school, my grades were always decent, I generally made friends with "good kids", and thought underage drinking was a waste of time. I never broke the rules, so my parents didn't need to set many. They put trust in me to do the right thing, and I did because I knew it would disappoint them if I didn't.

Cut to my brother. You know those annoying 13 year olds on xbox live? combine that with a mini scene kid and you've basically got my brother. He hangs out with some skater kids who thought it would be cool to go down to the police station and swig a bottle of grape fruit juice for lulz. He's obsessive about the xbox and the computer to the point where he throws violent tantrums (maybe three times a week). He has always caused problems in the house, but lately its been getting kind of unbearable. He's completely uncontrollable - and weirdly the xbox is the only form of leverage my parents really have over him. My mother decided to hide it at her work indefinitely, and he started kicking holes in the walls. Oh, and he stopped going to school. He barricaded his door and refused to go for weeks on end. He doesn't do any sort of homework or hand in assignments so even though he's actually pretty smart he's basically failing everything. Progressively he's just getting more and more out of control, and I'm getting more and more frustrated watching my parents try to reel him in - and fail. He has no respect for either of them. I'm getting worried about my mother - he bullies her a lot, and I'm seriously afraid he's going to hurt her. My dad is... part of the problem. He's afraid of my brother hating him, and is afraid to punish him so as to stay on his good side. Everytime my parents make some sort of deal he backs out after getting what he wants. He's wrecking the family, to be honest. I'd like to move out in a year or so, but I think the family will fall apart if I do.

Anyway, I know there are a few parents on gaf but I'd like to throw the question open to all of gaf because I have no idea how to solve this - if its even my business. Does anyone else have similar experiences?
 
Sadly I think it's illegal now for your parents to physically punish him, but there's nothing stopping a little brotherly scuffle. You know what to do.
 
We tried the psychologist. He won't go into the clinic.

Drazgul said:
Sadly I think it's illegal now for your parents to physically punish him, but there's nothing stopping a little brotherly scuffle. You know what to do.
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lol, I did kidney punch him once. I think he was more surprised than anything, but it did shut him up for a while. He's as big as I am now, and much more sporty than I. I'm not liking my chances :p I'll keep it in mind.
 
Zep said:
Typical GAF answer - Kick his ass

Real answer - Get that kid to a psychologist, pronto.
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going to turn into a pro-spanking anti-spanking thread in about 7 post
 
shanshan310 said:
he bullies her a lot, and I'm seriously afraid he's going to hurt her.
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The fuck? I would have stomped this motherfucker out a long time ago.

You need to have a serious discussion with your parents about this and speak on whether or not you need to find him some form of professional help.
 
Bootcamp sounds cool. Gotta be a way you can illegally enlist him. DYnasty used to post angrily all the time in nba-age, but ever since hes come back from bootcamp, hes been emo.

Sounds like whole bunch of win.
 
Mechazawa said:
De we um um a waaaaaaaaaay.
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I don't know, but I think Mandela smoked my sh!t!


btw is he 13? or older?
 
Zep said:
Bootcamp sounds cool. Gotta be a way you can illegally enlist him. DYnasty used to post angrily all the time in nba-age, but ever since hes come back from bootcamp, hes been emo. Sounds like whole bunch of win.
Click to expand...

Emo Dy is kinda sad... he used to be so beautiful... someone I could entrust the NBA thread to...
 
Kid is a brat and an attention whore. Keep giving into his demands and he won't change. You should just let him find out how shitty his decisions are for himself. If he won't learn it the easy way he'll learn it the hard way.
 
shanshan310 said:
We tried the psychologist. He won't go into the clinic.
Click to expand...

Your family just needs to make it clear to him that "not going" is simply not an option. And not going to school, punching holes to walls? From the sound of it, your dad's the one that really needs to step up here - he's meant to be his father, not his friend. He had it easy with you, and now with your more willful brother he's probably at a complete loss on what to do. Thing is, your brother's 13 already: if he's had his way all his life, trying to change it now - with all the teen rebellion added on top of it all - is a monumental task.
 
How old is the brother?
How old are you?

I'd say teenage hormones are playing havoc.
You need to ask him what's up? Instead of asking him to behave.
Don't resort to violence...
 
Polari said:
Keylogger on the PC, then embarrass the shit out of him on Facebook.
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Hahaha, man this made me laugh so much. Now I can go to work in a few minutes off to a good start.
 
"not going" is not good enough, drag him to the doctor if you have to. drag him to boot camp or whatever, or beat his ass. but one way or another you have to make him understand that he is not in control of the situation and has no say on anything at any time.
 
I remember being a mess.. I got ass whuppings.. But when my father got tired of it.. he changed the locks. Said he would keep the door unlocked until I messed up some more.. the uncertainty of being able to get into the house helped me get my life together a bit...
 
besiktas1 said:
How old are you? serious question :)
A 13 year old strength compared to a grown man's power is nothing. Beat him up...
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I'm 19, but I'm not really a grown man :p My dad refuses to touch him though. He is so ridiculously unhelpful.


HolyCheck said:
http://au.tv.yahoo.com/plus7/worlds-strictest-parents/

you know what needs to be done shan shan
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Have your parents take the door of his room off the hinges.
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These seem like good ideas actually.

EDIT: so does the military school option, although I hear its pretty pricey.
 
Have you thought of filming him and showing him how ridiculous he looks? Maybe shaming him while still showing him how he makes you all suffer would help?

I don't think I could deal with a son/brother like that, I'd probably give up a bit too soon.
 
I, firmly, belive that "touching" isnt the correct way.

Remove all privileges, money etc etc, fuck dont clean his room, clothes and so on so he will stink and be imbarassed... ofc this last things are quite extreme but it sounds like a extreme situation.
 
19? Yeah, I wouldn't worry about being hurt by a 13yo. Strike fear into his soul. I had a friend (this was about 10 years ago) whose brother was 15 and he was your age. His brother was really testing his mums patience. One day he follows him into to his room after another incident. Closes the door. Beats the shit out of him. As his brother is crying he's tells him not to mention a word of it and if ever he does it again he will beat him again. His brother has now graduated from uni and on the straight and narrow. lol. My friend likes to think it was his beatings that led him on that path....
 
Any chance he's being bullied at school? That would explain some of his behavior.

Your dad sounds like a big part of the problem. He really needs to put his foot down. I think yur best bet is to figure out a way to get your brother to respect you as a big brother. If you can get him to look up to you maybe he'll start taking on some of your traits.
 
I thought the parrallels to my own life here were interesting.

I always hung out with the goodkids too, kept my nose straight, my parents were always of the don't set too many rules because I'm trust worthy (mum would whicnge even in my 20's that i dont go out and get drunk enough)

then along comes my sister who is 4 - 5 years younger than me.

about when she hit 14 - 17 that period, was trouble

underage drinking, parties, i'm talking drinking under bridges with other like minded teens in the city. drugs, smoking, the dodgiest of friends.

they'd come over and do shit like spraypaint our front fence, STEAL SHIT FROM MY ROOM WTF. steal shit from our house. and just be plain fucking rude

I remember hearing my dad open the front door once when some one knocked and he opens it and this guy just goes "im emilys friend" and steps into the house, no hello i'm so and so im emilys friend. dad just shoves him back out the door and slams the door in his face

fucking rude.

Thankfully my sister got burnt by some of these friends and realised they were just using her pretty much, and that they didnt give a shit. she grew out of hanging out with them and now (although she failed year 12, most likely due to them) is working part time and starting to get her life back on track.

Just need to hope your bro grows up, but he is alot worse than my sister.. he seeems like the punk that spray painted my fence ;(

I dont know you asked for similar stories so i started telling a story
 
Teenage boys are nearly always more problematic. Hormonal changes alone can make a massive difference; say by the age of 21 when it all calms down...

There are lots of things you can do now to defuse the tension, although I don't have that much literature to hand at the moment. A few things:

1. Know that this is very very common.
2. He isn't a three year old, so the whole, united front from parents thing may be not be the most important thing here. irrc, when your mother and brother are arguing, they have to be left to sort out the argument. When you invite a third party; it's like you're not dealing with the argument per se. Sitting down, and talking about things in a calm manner is difficult in stressful situations.
3. diffuse tensions; go for a walk; stop shouting; keep the argument about the thing that is happening right then, instead of bringing up history. Isolating the issue, makes it smaller, and easier to deal with.
4. Sometimes it isn't a behavior disorder; but it can be, so know stuff like ADD, ADHD, ODD, conduct disorder or bipolar disorder.
5. Not going to school is not something a smart kid does. The problem can be as simple as dyslexia.
6. Kids copy. Treat him like an adult, within boundaries of course. Sometimes, even simple things like talking about complex world news stories, or a new book or mature film, can change things.
 
Thanks Holy Check. You're dad seems pretty awesome. They can't have been great friends if they spraypainted your house. wtf. I have a feeling that if he continues to hang out with the people he's with now, its not going to end well. Its kinda hard to get him to stop him seeing them though. All I can hope for now is that none of his friends have better, cooler older siblings who will buy them booze, cause I sure ain't.

I have a feeling he was getting bullied actually...
 
You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Unfortunately he is NEVER going to change his attitude after many years of "acceptance" by the family.

I would try to stay home as long as I could if I were you just to help your parents but you're not going to change him at this stage. He could decide to improve a bit but it won't be because of anything you all do
 
Sounds like he has ADHD. Slip him Ritalin in his sleep.

Edit: Unfortunately I don't think any type of "disciplining" is going to work on him (be it physical or not). He sounds like the kind of guy who lives for the moment. He'll do whatever suits him there and then and no amount of impending consequences are going to deter him. I know, I'm the same (though I was a good kid regardless).

If he does have a disorder, getting him on the right drugs would mellow him which could help him see the world from a different perspective and get his priorities straight as he grows up. But I'm sceptical it would work that way and even more sceptical that a kid like that would even take his prescribed pills (the side effects are not pleasant).

I'm not an expert, though, your parents really should figure out a way to get him to see a therapist.
 
Zoe said:
Guys, Shanshan is a girl... you might want to rethink suggesting any kind of violence.
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Pffft! next thing you will be claiming you are one as well!?

Kidding aside, even if Shanshan was a boy, I don't see how a beating will do any good. If anything it will just alienate the brother further away from the core family.

The problem really seems to be on the father(and most likely your mother too to some extent). He(and she) needs to step up his game and act like a responsible parent who sets firm boundries for his children.

Have you sat down and had conversation about the situation with your parents? What are their plan to tackle it in the future?
 
shanshan310 said:
I'm getting worried about my mother - he bullies her a lot, and I'm seriously afraid he's going to hurt her. My dad is... part of the problem. He's afraid of my brother hating him, and is afraid to punish him so as to stay on his good side. Everytime my parents make some sort of deal he backs out after getting what he wants. He's wrecking the family, to be honest. I'd like to move out in a year or so, but I think the family will fall apart if I do.
Click to expand...
Glad you put this in here because your brother isn't the one wrecking the family, your family is. When they're 13, there's no reason to be afraid of a kid.

Dad is a wimp and in this case if physical danger is possible on Mom, it's totally appropriate to get involved and handle yur brother since your dad won't.
 
He's only 13. Even if he is bigger, he shouldn't be able to do shit because he's still a stupid kid. You all need to sit down and really talk to him. But to be honest, it is really all on your parents.. they need to stick to their guns with whatever course of action they want to take.

Also take away his xbox, pc, and his door. lol.
 
Zoe said:
Guys, Shanshan is a girl... you might want to rethink suggesting any kind of violence.
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Well shit. There goes like... 80% of our coping strategies.

Uh... what to do... get a gun Shanshan. You may be weak and puny, but your fingers can still operate a trigger.

I'm really just kidding here.
 
My brother was the same way at 13. Obsessed with videogames, threw temper tantrums, threatened violence... But one day my mom just started sobbing uncontrollably saying that she was doing her best (my father passed away when my brother was 12) and he kind of reeled it in. He's still a loser, but he isn't useless and isn't violent anymore. He goes to community college but still does nothing but play videogames.
 
Been there, done that, I'm afraid. I know how you feel and it sucks.
My advise is to look after yourself first. I ended up dropping out of university to try and hold the whole family together, and I've regretted that for the last 15 years or so.
Your brother is your parents responsibility, like mine was that of my parents, and unfortunately if they are failing to deal with him there isn't much you can do.

I'm sure the atmosphere at home must suck for you now, with your mum probably upset and there being a lot of arguing. Look after yourself. You don't want your chances in life ruined as well just because he's being a little shithead.

I ended up going to Ireland as an au pair in the end, and that did me a world of good. There wasn't much I could do at home, and being away from the constant fighting allowed me to become more confident and to take chances and opportunities I would never have had staying at home.
It was also easier dealing with my family since the whole thing would be limited to weekly phone calls rather then having to live with it every day.

My brother worked out fine in the end by the way. He did drop out of school, ended up going to prison, then lived on the streets for a while and doing drugs. Then one day he woke up and realised what a shitty life he had now and how good actually had been at home, even if he hadn't seen it that way at the time. He cleaned himself up, and got a job. He started doing evening classes.
Now he's married, has two kids and a well-paying job.

There isn't much you can do unfortunately, if your parents aren't dealing with the situation properly. You can try talking with them though, and letting them know that this is affecting you negatively too. It might spur them into action.
 
Inform your dad that your brother already hates him. Your dad is a pussy and your brother doesn't respect him, he's just nice to him because it gets him what he wants. He's not the alpha in the house, your brother is.

I wish I could tell you that you can change things, but you can't. It's on your parents, mainly your dad based on your description.

Perhaps the best thing you can do is get out of there. Unfortunately, your parents seem to need this to reach crisis mode. Your leaving should accelerate the process.
 
Yeah, kids usually end up hating parents who don't parent. My aunt did/does absolutely everything for my cousin both when he was growing up and now. He curses her out consistently and acts like a punk - kicking doors down etc.

The only conclusion I can come up with as to why he acts this way towards her is because she spoiled him.
 
shanshan310 said:
So this is in part a tale of my personal troubles at home, but also an open thread for people to come and share their experiences.

I think I was a pretty good kid growing up. My parents didn't discipline me much (though they put their foot down about things they didn't want me doing) but honestly they never really needed to. I enjoyed going to school, my grades were always decent, I generally made friends with "good kids", and thought underage drinking was a waste of time. I never broke the rules, so my parents didn't need to set many. They put trust in me to do the right thing, and I did because I knew it would disappoint them if I didn't.

Cut to my brother. You know those annoying 13 year olds on xbox live? combine that with a mini scene kid and you've basically got my brother. He hangs out with some skater kids who thought it would be cool to go down to the police station and swig a bottle of grape fruit juice for lulz. He's obsessive about the xbox and the computer to the point where he throws violent tantrums (maybe three times a week). He has always caused problems in the house, but lately its been getting kind of unbearable. He's completely uncontrollable - and weirdly the xbox is the only form of leverage my parents really have over him. My mother decided to hide it at her work indefinitely, and he started kicking holes in the walls. Oh, and he stopped going to school. He barricaded his door and refused to go for weeks on end. He doesn't do any sort of homework or hand in assignments so even though he's actually pretty smart he's basically failing everything. Progressively he's just getting more and more out of control, and I'm getting more and more frustrated watching my parents try to reel him in - and fail. He has no respect for either of them. I'm getting worried about my mother - he bullies her a lot, and I'm seriously afraid he's going to hurt her. My dad is... part of the problem. He's afraid of my brother hating him, and is afraid to punish him so as to stay on his good side. Everytime my parents make some sort of deal he backs out after getting what he wants. He's wrecking the family, to be honest. I'd like to move out in a year or so, but I think the family will fall apart if I do.

Anyway, I know there are a few parents on gaf but I'd like to throw the question open to all of gaf because I have no idea how to solve this - if its even my business. Does anyone else have similar experiences?
Click to expand...

Wait, you're Asian right?

Why aren't you beating you're little brother into line?

Older siblings/cousins have to regulate.
 
Zoe said:
Guys, Shanshan is a girl... you might want to rethink suggesting any kind of violence.
Click to expand...

Nope. Sisters gotta lay the smackdown too.

My older cousins slapped me around when I was 13 for doing messed up shit.
 
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