I was recently assaulted by another GAFfer who told me, “People like you are the reason people look down on gamers.” I would like to respond. First, I will show why the opinions of ‘casuals’ are nothing but pure rot, that their existence is a pollutant, and then I will show you how you too can purify yourself of this base matter and become a being of pure light.
Imagine if you had a large order of potatoes in Minecraft. Perhaps even a shipping container full, and let’s imagine you leave those potatoes exposed to time and the elements for an extended period of time. And let’s imagine that in all that filth, there was a jar of canned potatoes. Which part would you take?
Neither. You would take neither. The stench of the putrified potatoes would drive you back from the jar, and in all likelihood this vile vodka would have been transfigured into acid and eaten through the jar, corrupting your hermetically preserved potato.
Now, what was the point of the jar? To destroy the effects of time on the potato. Such is also so with games. As I have said, the purpose of playing games is to kill time, and pierce through to eternity.
What does this all mean? This decaying vessel is what we call a “filthy casual.” The essence of the ‘material world is decay, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Now you are eating some premium chips covered with your favorite flavour and you think, “oh maybe I’ll just add a bit of sand, to spice things up.” This is what we do when we tolerate casuals.
You know, I am not particularly offended by a turd in the toilet. I am offended when people don’t flush it, because it looks and smells fucking disgusting. Casuals are like this turd, digested potatoes decaying in your belly. As gamers, not offensive in and of themselves, but offensive because of the stench of the so called ‘real world’ which they carry with them.
And even if you are incapable of following this programming, why would you even want the so-called “real world”. The real world is so frustrating. How many times have you fumbled for some coins in the bottom of your backpack, or tried desperately to get a lock of hair to stay in place, or grabbed one pen from a box only to have another come out with it, or mishandle a chopstick and have it fall onto the floor into an inaccessible place. Or when the hairs inside your ear grow out and start tickling you and drive you crazy till you soothe it with a qtip, but that makes you inner ear swell up and it hurts for a few days; or when you walk outside in the sun and your scrotum and buttcrack start to sweat and it makes your thighs chafe and just walking a few meters to unload some perogies is absolute agony. No videogame worth its weight in bits will ever make your skin quiver in this kind of hapless confusion. How could you ever respect anyone who thought it did?
“Yeah, you can beat me at Fifa, but my wife has an ass you can bounce a bowling ball off of.” And shit like this, like this is somehow the summit of the “so called real world.”
Let me tell you, this world is not real, it is built on lies. You can’t step into the same river twice. Nothing ever stays the same, but language always pretends it does. So everytime someone is speaking, they are lying. This includes when they talk about their wife’s hot ass. That ass will get old and wrinkly one day and become so vile that even a gallon of vodka can’t make it look good. But here’s the real kicker, it doesn’t look good now. It is just skin, boring repetitive motion on a treadmill and avoidance of fried food. If I shaved all the hair of my ass and wiped and showered it, it would feel the same. Guy’s asses are really no different apart from the shape. So what makes a shape attractive?
Social construction. That ass is beautiful because it is competed for, and it is competed for because it is beautiful. But we know both the ass and the competition are fake ass. Look at any other society and you will see guys going mad for ugly asses. And we can all think of a million examples of guys who have got a girl with a great ass as the result of cheating or lying, or having wealth given to him, hell, that’s how my Sheena was taken from me. So the competition itself is fake, which means that ass is not beautiful.
Contrast this with the world of games where a woman is incorruptibly beautiful for all time, and who does not stink and nag and who have much bigger boobs and butts. And the filthy casuals that choose the so-called “real world” over this think they have the right to look down on us, and even worse, to enlist the rhetorical support of non gamers to fluff themselves up? In the words of a great thinker: “I have seen what makes you cheer, your boos mean nothing to me.” The casual discredits their opinion by the fact that they consider any aspect of the so-called “real world” as forming a basis for judgement. Dead flies cause the apothecary's ointment to send forth an evil odor. An odor of poo and vodka. And don’t even get me started on having kids. What, you want to waste 20 years wasting your life on an ingrate who is going to shit themselves constantly for years until they grow up a horrible waste of sweaty, hairy skin? So let’s discard the canard that casual’s opinions matter. And having dispensed with their opinions, let us dispense with casuals themselves. Let's flush this turd, finally.
We have all had thousands of evenings in WoW ruined by a member of our clan who has to go to sleep, or wasted a day in Apex wasting n00bs who are not good enough to give us the competition we need. So they can’t compete- what possible satisfaction can they possibly give us? None! And without satisfaction and camaraderie, what is the meaning of life? Only git gud.
Casuals circumscribe the meaning of our lives with their devotion to this petty real world. Every time I am about to get immersed into a game and look on the face of eternity, one of these poo flies wafts me back into mutability. This is an assault on us, can you not see that?
We must find a way of cutting these casuals entirely out of our gaming experience. You might have guessed that I am a big admirer of the Stoics, so I have decided to keep my jar of pure potatoes uncontaminated by this huge army of the world’s rotting yams.
Keeping yourself pure from the huge army of this world’s desires is not easy, so we need a game plan. Here are some ground rules:
Every game must always reach its absolute maximum potential. Anyone who complains that it is unrealistic for Nintendo to not be constantly remaking its entire catalogue in the Unreal engine is not your friend. First, let the words ‘realistic’ and ‘business’ hold no place in your mind. Do not let these lying words restrain your hate toward companies like Konami, sitting on great sequels and pandering to more profitable markets, or Blizzard, trying to maximize profits. Anything that can be ported MUST be ported and remastered at no additional cost. Also, companies have to stop persecuting people who mod games, like Square or Nintendo- companies must be shamed out of protecting their intellectual IPs.
You can always tell a casual by their desire to have fun. Does this not disgust you? Are you gonna clap your hands and smile like a child with a happy meal? These people are selfish- “it is all about me!” Wrong! It is about having the beat graphics and responsive controls so that you can escape from the decay of time and feast on the breasts of eternity. And these guys are fakers. Brad said he had heard Dark Souls was fun and he wanted to come over and try it. He only lasted 5 hours, and next thing I know, my Mom is telling me that Sheena left with Brad. Fuck ‘em. I am gonna be the ultimate Dark Souls speedrun one day. That’ll show ‘em!
You must not work, and you must be intolerant of other people who work. These show by their judgement that they view games as only a diversion from the so called “real world” and cannot help infecting us with their false consciousness. You are a pure potato, and all impurities weaken your power to be a battery. Shoo these poo flies, just like you shot those bees in the honeycomb level of Halo 2.
One of the most insidious forms of real worldism is having physical collections of games and merchandise. Despite their protestations that “it is just for me” you know that at bottom, that shipping container full of games is to show real worlders and possibly to sell.
The greatest sin is when people cheat at speedrunning. This is a stab at our heart of hearts, and it threatens the whole order of git gud. Pay careful attention to those who mock these scandals, and those who remain silent. These are the enemy.
I deeply circumscribe the limit of activities “outside” gaming. It is essential to be console warring as much as possible. This is the noblest of all activities because it is the extension of online gaming. Console warring improves our CoD shit talking ability, and heightens our individual experience. If you doubt me, just think about how many losing games you have saved at the last moment with a well placed rape or death threat, or how much richer your Elden experience was knowing you had a more stable framerate than a butthurt green rat playing on his potato of a gamebox.
To console warring I would also add port begging, making sure that there are no games which are underrated which should not be underrated, and generally complaining. Be proud to be known as a complainer. Complaining is of the essence of gaming since gaming is conflict, and so complaining is bringing the game to the world. So cultivate that butthurt in any way possible; just imagine how powerful you would be at any given moment with a kilo of freedom fries sitting on your prostate.
The final boss is the flesh and its wanton pricks and stings. Do not let yourself fall into the trap of shaving and showering. If you do it once, you will just have to do it again. Indeed, why do it at all unless it is for other people? And of course, I shouldn’t even need to warn you about working. There is no point to working except for food and shelter, but everyone knows that your Mom will just bring you French Fries and mashed potatoes anyway. True, she might get salty and try to take away your games, but trust me, if you cry and scream and soil yourself long enough, you will eventually soften even the stoniest mother’s heart. And speaking of soiling yourself, many turn to adult diapers, but there is a superior stage past pissing and shitting. To be completely absorbed in a game, with ultra hi rez visuals, 120 fps, surround sound, no tearing, no jaggies, and graphics that surpass “reality”; in this state your may be completely absorbed, like Enoch, and the body of your character may immerse you utterly. Sonic and Mario have never needed to poop, and neither will you when you are absorbed into them.
Gamers, you are that pure potato, that source of limitless power and energy: the couch potato. We must reject this false world and its promises, lies and values, and excise this casual filth from our culture. You who are pure, let us transmute ourselves into pure, creamy mashed potatoes. Withdraw from the world of casuals and only git gud in single player. Place yourself in the grease vat of passion and heat yourself into infinite lives. Await the Apocalypse alone gittin gud in Dark Soul.
