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[Michael F. Assbender]

I'm sorry to post this here, but this is the only online community I'm anywhere near an active member of. If this vent thread isn't allowed, I sincerely apologize and hope the mods understand I'm posting this because I don't know what else to do. Also, please forgive how sloppy I'm sure this is going to be. It's stream of consciousness and I haven't slept since this incident happened almost 24 hours ago.

I've mentioned in other threads that I'm a paramedic student. Last night I finished my third to last internship shift before graduation and taking the national registry test. Just before my shift ended, dispatch sent us to a location with unknown medical issue with a one month old infant. We got there and the scene was chaos. Family surrounded this baby as the mother wailed louder than I've ever heard anyone cry. She didn't want to let go of her baby but we had to take it. I got my first look when one of the medics I was riding along with held the baby out to me and guided me to the nearby couch where we could assess her. Before setting the baby down, she whispered to me and to her partner "She's cold. Rigor's already set in." I look at the baby girl's face and bloody sputum is coming out of the mouth.

We lay the baby down and I apply EKG electrodes to attempt to confirm asystole or see if we can get any kind of rhythm, no matter how disorganized. Before that happens, one of the two medics says "Let's take her to the truck. The family doesn't need to see this." The other medic mentions beginning full CPR protocol, despite the fact that the baby is obviously deceased beyond any means of getting her back (this isn't as odd as it sounds. We do that when family is present because it's believed to be even more traumatic if the rescuers come and say the person is dead without appearing to have tried any rescue maneuvers).

We take the tiny little girl out to the ambulance and lay her on the cot. Officers who were on the scene close our doors because we're busy with our little patient. One of the medics is performing chest compressions, the other is getting defibrillator pads out, and I'm using my EMS shears to cut off the tiny pink onesie the baby was sleeping so warm and snuggly and safe in only a couple of hours before. The pads are applied. The EKG confirms no pulse. No cardiac activity whatsoever. But we continue CPR. As the one medic hopes into the front and takes off toward the hospital with lights and sirens screaming, I'm in the back with the other medic. She's continuing chest compressions and I'm bagging (I'd post a pic of what the bag is but I honestly can't find the drive to do it right now. Just Google BVM or bag valve mask).

On the scene, you're stone-faced. You have to be. The family is counting on you knowing what you're doing and being emotionless robots as you do it. They need your strength.

In the back of that ambulance, as I'm squeezing oxygen from a bag into this little baby girl's lungs, my face cupping her cold, still, chubby cheeks, I'm tearing up. When the chest compressions cause a surprising amount of blood to leak from her little nose and I have to wipe it from her face, the tears are no longer welled at the bottom of my eyes. They're down my cheeks. I'm not bawling. I'm just sniffling.

I dry up and continue the task set before me. We pull into the hospital, tear ass out of the ambulance, continuing CPR along the way, and get her into the ER where she's officially pronounced dead.

I go outside and sit in the back of the ambulance and just sob. I can't help it. I have a little girl. You can't help but put yourself in that place when you're dealing with something like this. But more than that, it just rattled me to my core.

My mind keeps going back to her little tiny hands in the back of that ambulance. They were closed in fists with her fingers wrapped around her thumbs. My daughter used to do that at that age. I don't know why, but that image haunts me.

Fuck. I don't know what the point of all of this is. I needed to vent. I talked to the two medics I was with and they were very supportive. They say what I'm going through is normal, especially for medics who have children. They say I'll move on and eventually develop a thick skin about this kind of thing (not that I'll stop caring, but that it won't devastate me like this). They said, in the meantime, I need to find someone to talk it out with. I've been at work and then at another internship shift (this time at the hospital) so I haven't had time to talk to my wife about it. So I'm here. I hope the medics are right and I'll move past it. I'm sure I will. This was my first of these. I hope to Christ that somehow it's my last.

Times like this, I wish I believed in heaven. I wish I could tell this little girl that I'm so sorry. I'm sorry we couldn't save you. I'd give almost anything for that. I'm sorry you won't grow into the beautiful young girl/teenager/woman you were going to be. I'm sorry you didn't get to experience so many of the wonderful things that make being alive worth it. I'm sorry you had so few days in the sun. I'm so fucking sorry. You will never be forgotten for as long as I live. I promise you that. Your life mattered.

Fuck. I can't stop crying. I need to try to sleep.

Hug your loved ones. I know I will.

Edit: I don't want to make a new post and bring this thread back. I just wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I know that probably sounds trite, but I absolutely mean it.

I've slept a few hours and am spending some time with my daughter this morning. I'm not over it, but I'm not crying. It's a step.

If anything, I've gained a massive appreciation for the fragility of life and for how rapidly one tiny moment can alter or end it forever. That little girl taught me that in a way that no number of car accident scenes or heart attacks have.

I'm getting offline for a while. Today is daddy/daughter day, which I absolutely need.

Thanks again everyone.

 

[Doctor Ironic]

You did the right thing, OP. Your daughter would be proud of you.

 

[Tagyhag]

Fuck man, that's absolutely terrible. I'm sure you took the job knowing you might encounter stuff like that but I can't imagine actually living that moment.

Be strong, hopefully you'll get through it and come out tougher. Like you said, as hysterical as families may be, being stonefaced must give them a bit more assurance.

Regarding the girl's death

Spoiler

How could the mother not hear the baby? Now I'm incredibly paranoid for my future kids, I tend to fall asleep very easily.

 

[Fireblend]

Man, that's fucking rough. Being in a line of work such as that one desensitizes you somewhat, but I don't think I'd ever be able to walk away from something like that unaffected. It's only tangentially related, but my mom works as a supervisor for 911 operators in my country that handle child-related abuse cases and well, some of the stories are also fucking disgusting and would drain my faith in humanity and soul in no time at all. I have no idea how she does it, and I have no idea how health professionals that see stuff like this frequently do it either.

What you do is amazing though, and the fact that you're not desensitized to it IMO makes you a better person and a better professional. You handled that perfectly, and I'm sure the child's family can at the very least know that everything that could've been done to try to save her was done. I don't know how much solace that is, but it's something.

And yeah, I guess there's not much more to do about it as spectators other than use the opportunity to reflect on the fragility of life.

 

[FUME5]

It's a trite thing to say, but you did all that you could in that situation.

Be happy for those that you can (and will) save, and learn to accept those that you can't.

You're taking on a vital role that is going to be tough on you in so many ways, so even though I don't know you, you have my respect.

 

[Josh with a J]

Damn I dunno what to even say

Sorry homie

 

[excelsiorlef]

Spoiler

How could the mother not hear the baby? Now I'm incredibly paranoid for my future kids, I tend to fall asleep very easily.

Hear the baby what? There's nothing in the OP thatcI could see that mentioned anything about what actually happened to the baby. She might have been sleeping possibly SIDS.

OP you are amazing and wonderful. Thank you for doing what you do. You are going to save people.

 

[NintendoGal]

This is why I tell people that I know that EMTs don't get the appreciation they deserve. Had a friend tell me a few things and I can't imagine what type of resolve it takes to maintain a career where you see what the OP saw. It's amazing and appreciated to someone who couldn't do it.

You'll keep helping people because you are extremely caring, otherwise you wouldn't be so upset over what you witnessed. That to me is a wonderful, bittersweet thing.

Take care of yourself.

 

[-Deadpool-]

6 month baby girl at home, and I just couldn't read all of that man. I can't even begin to imagine the situation, both as a parent or as an EMT.

I have no words for you. Sorry man. Can't even imagine what it's like.

 

[spawnsniper]

Must be brutal to be emotionless in situations like that. I work in a hospital/clinic as a biomed but I dont think I could deal with a job like that.

Even though u couldnt do nothing about it, its to people like u that we are glad that can carry this sort of task.

May u move past this sooner but know that at least im grateful for what u do.

 

[Jintor]

don't know what to say. but we're with you.

 

[Darren870]

Hear the baby what? There's nothing in the OP thatcI could see that mentioned anything about what actually happened to the baby. She might have been sleeping possibly SIDS.

OP you are amazing and wonderful. Thank you for doing what you do. You are going to save people.

He removed it.

Anyways, OP.

Just remember all the good things you will get out of this job. All the lives you will save and families you will make complete. Unfortunately you can't save everyone, even though you will want to.

But you will change a lot of peoples lives, for the better. Always remember the good and hold on to those moments. Leave the bad at the door, especially at home.

Could never do what you do, major props.

 

[HORRORSHØW]

you're a stronger person than me, plop.

take a measure of solace in knowing that you save lives, even if you can't save them all.

 

[Bowdz]

I got my EMT license a few years back and the paramedics teaching it spoke with such solemnity concerning children that it always stuck with me. You could tell by their body language and tone that their experiences had scarred them. They said the single worst call you could get was of a child with parents around.

OP, I honestly can't imagine what you went through, but as you said, that girls life will forever remain with you and you will draw from her strength to help save countless others.

 

[Karsticles]

As a new father, I am terrified of something like this happening.

Do you have any idea what the cause of death was?

I don't think I would be able to hold it together in that situation, OP. Blessings to you and the work you do.

 

[hunnies28]

Sometimes I think I have a hard job. Then I see threads like this that put me in my proper place. You did good OP. Your job does not mean you can't be human no more.

 

[The Abominable Snowman]

I'm so, so, so, so sorry to hear this. Death is never easy, especially when it happens to someone so young and innocent.

My good friend and old coworker just had a terrible, terrible loss of their baby as well. After a few weeks of finally being home with the baby, he fell asleep on top of his first and only baby son (He has an older daughter). I cannot even imagine the mental trauma he and his wife has had over this incident.

 

[theaface]

It must be unimaginably awful to see something like that in your lifetime, let alone as a semi-regular occurrence as part of what you do as your job, irrespective of the age of your patients. Obviously with the deceased being so young, I can totally understand how the cruel injustice of it can be overwhelming.

Thank you OP for what you and your colleagues do. Even when you can't succeed, those who attempt to save lives and heal the sick deserve nothing but respect.

 

[Soriku]

I'm so, so, so, so sorry to hear this. Death is never easy, especially when it happens to someone so young and innocent.

My good friend and old coworker just had a terrible, terrible loss of their baby as well. After a few weeks of finally being home with the baby, he fell asleep on top of his first and only baby son (He has an older daughter). I cannot even imagine the mental trauma he and his wife has had over this incident.

Goddamn man. I would never get over that. Fuck.

 

[piratepwnsninja]

My dad was an EMT for a very long time, and he'd be super proud about how you handled it all.

I actually spoke to him often about how he dealt with seeing terrible things and he always said that he never forgot any of them, and they always made him strive to do better. That if he ever got to a point where he didn't take it hard when bad stuff happened, then he'd stop. He was an EMT to his dying day, and I sincerely believe that he always cared. Yes he was great at pushing the horror of certain situations aside so that he could do his job, but he'd always talk about it later. He wanted to save everyone, no matter if it was impossible.

Your empathy makes you better. Not necessarily in the moment, but always in reflection. You did great, despite the terrible situation.

 

[johnyqd]

Plop - I've been a dispatcher for over a decade and have been through similar calls too many times. Your reaction is normal, it sounds like you did a great job keeping it together while handling the immediate task at hand. Some agencies will do debriefings for traumatic calls - if yours is hosting one for this I highly recommend you attend. Most agencies usually also have counselors (or chaplains for those that prefer them) available for individual discussions.

A couple years ago I was very shook up by a child who died on a 911 call I took. I went to see the counselor available in my job and explained my thoughts:

• I don't have children and don't plan on having any.
• I'm not particularly attached emotionally to any specific children.
• I'm agnostic (not directly relevant).

We talked a long time about my call (he had a very different perspective as a father of young children). In our jobs we know that we can't save everyone, but most of the people we are trying to help have had a lifetime of experiences and choices which somehow conspired to put them in peril. It's not that adults have control when a random tragedy strikes, but they normally had some level of control over the course of their life. An infant or young child has had no control, you could even define it as a pure innocence, and even the most stoic and trained person will be shaken when they come to harm.

I may not have explained that very well, and it may just be an internal justification for the many tears I've shed over the years, but the logic of it has helped me understand my own emotions at times.

Last year I also started an Extra Life team which has been a way for me to feel like I've done something extra for kids in distress.

 

[LurkerPrime]

Incredibly moving and eye-opening OP. I can't imagine such a grim scenario and I dunno how you paramedics do it. But thanks for finding the strength to help people, no matter the cost.

Death sucks. And at that age... it's just unthinkable.

This thread is rough.

 

[farmerboy]

I can't imagine you'll ever get to the place where you can deal with it. Just cope.

You'll save a life one day and you'll feel like God. Amazing work mate, stay strong.

 

[GSG Flash]

I don't even have any kids and that was making me tear up reading that.

I'm sorry you had to go through that

I feel horrible for the parents as well, losing a baby so young.

 

[Dot Matrix]

I work in management for the ambulance service and while they are correct that you will develop a thicker skin, you'll never become desensitized to these kind of calls. After this kind of call you should have been referred to your on duty officer for a welfare check. Even the call takers need time off after particularly difficult calls. Don't be afraid to make use of the resources available to you to help you cope.

 

[CTLance]

Man, that is rough. My condolences. And also my thanks, for saving lives.

I wish I could tell this little girl that I'm so sorry. I'm sorry we couldn't save you.

Damn. Get a grip, man(?).

You are a medical professional, you of all people should know the Livor->Rigor->Algor sequence. There was nothing you could do. NOTHING. The little one was already well and truly dead when you arrived at the scene. All you could do was knowingly make an utterly futile attempt to resuscitate the kiddo. It was over before you even arrived. So don't saddle yourself with a false guilt. You can cry about the live lost. You can be shocked about your daughter. That is perfectly understandable. But don't you dare think of yourself as some mighty time traveling Jesus. There was nothing you could do. You are not omnipotent. You are just a human.

Get that through your head. I might sound angry, but it is really important that you internalise this.

Now, about the rest of your post... You've been awake for well over 24 hours now? Fix that.

I know this is harsh, but get your ass off of gaf right now and sleep. You are trying to go beyond your limits both mentally and physically.
You absolutely need to grab some shuteye, and if you need to ask a doc for some pills to achieve that or down a gallon of tea or run a marathon until your feet give out or scream into a pillow until your voice cracks, then so be it.
I'm not saying this will make things better, but when your body and mind are rested you will be far better equipped to deal with this. Off you go. Gaf will still be there for you in a few hours, we can tackle this together. But right now, we need you to sleep. That's the first step of many. Maybe even the most important one.

...at least, that's roughly what the cop told me that checked up on me after I found my mom's dead body and went into shock in a somewhat marginally similar way to you. It was good advice, so I'm forwarding it to you, with the same roughness. He looked like he was about to knock me out, too, but I can't really convey that over the net. Just imagine a chubby uniformed German glaring at you, if you will. You. Bed. Now. Harrumph.