Support NeoGAF

[WeAreStarStuff]

My father passed away a few months ago ( http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1177259&highlight= ) unexpectantly at the age of 59. My mother is 57, and they met in highschool. I am 32 and live about an hour away from my mother. I have a younger brother who lives several states away. My father’s passing was hard on everyone, but now it’s getting to the point where I’m just kind of becoming very annoyed with my mother. Growing up as a child I did not get along with her; to be honest there were many years where I hated her (I found her to be physically and mentally abusive.) Our relationship improved as I went off to undergrad, and whatnot, but we have never been extremely close; I would describe the way the we interact as sarcastic conversations filled with brief quips.

She has been taking on a lot of projects around the house; I presume that she is doing this as a coping mechanism. The thing is she basically expects me to drive down every weekend and do manual labor for her; for all of these voluntary things that she wants done. Now I know that this is an extremely difficult time for her, but at the same time the last thing I want to do after working a long week (I work in finance), is spend my weekend doing a bunch of labor. My g/f and I just got back from the beach after the holiday weekend, and I call my mother to see how she’s doing and she said she wants me to come down this weekend, even though I already have plans. She is having the porch in the backyard torn down, and wants me to help chop down and remove some trees that are in the way of the more expanded porch she is having done. One of my uncles and a bunch of her friends are helping with the trees, but I’m just like come on. Part of me is really starting to resent her, and is creating a pyscohologal link where visiting mom = doing a bunch of things that I hate to do.

I know that she lost her husband of decades, and I can’t imagine how difficult that is – I can’t even fathom losing my g/f of two years. At the same time; I lost my father and I have my own life to live. I feel like a line needs to be drawn in the sand, but I also wonder if that makes me a terrible person? I have already gone down a ton of times, and have done everything from putting lime in the yard, to hauling away things to go to charity.

 

[xxracerxx]

Can you not just say no?

 

[The Abominable Snowman]

It's a phase. You say she has brothers and friends in the area who can do it on your behalf, right? Just tell her you can't. Are you afraid to talk to her and tell her "I can't this weekend." ?

 

[Skellig Gra]

Try talking to her about it.

 

[braves01]

Have you suggested she start dating again? It might be too soon now but eventually it could help her get past the grief and give you some space.

 

[ElectricBlanketFire]

Learn to say no. If she gets upset, that is her issue, not yours.

 

[thesuperfunk]

You only ever have one mother ...

 

[dskillzhtown]

She is the only parent you have left man. So don't turn it into you hating her because she wants you around (the chores may be a bit of an excuse). But let her know when you have plans and you can do it some other time. I would think she would be understanding of that. Also, why don't you bring her over to your place for dinner or something so you can spend time when you aren't doing chores.

I went through the same thing with my parents to some degree. For awhile it seemed like the only time I heard from them was when they needed me to do something. It was increased when my dad started to lose his sight. I suggested they come over for dinner or I went there just to hang out and the calls to do chores decreased big time. I think many people find it hard to say, "Hey I want to see you," especially when in the past the relationship was a bit rocky.

 

[echoshifting]

Expect lots of "Dude! It's your mom" in this thread, but I feel ya op. Sounds like your relationship with your mom is similar to my relationship with my dad...absolutely toxic as I was growing up, littered with abuse, improved now that I'm an adult but we're hardly close. And I have nightmares about my mom passing away suddenly, not just because that would be fucking horrible but also because of what that would mean for my relationship with my dad. I am the only family that lives nearby, it would be extremely difficult to deal with.

I think you are right to establish some boundaries. I don't think it would be unreasonable of you to set expectations at two or even one weekend a month. Just explain to her that you have other commitments, you have long grueling weeks at work, and coming down as often as you are is having a negative impact on your life. Parents should want their kids to be happy so hopefully she will understand. Tell her you will always be there on the first, second, whatever weekend of the month and keep that promise. Maybe a fifteen minute phone call on the weekends the rest of the month.

 

[double jump]

For those that skipped the op he mentions that his mother was physically and mentally abusive. Dude may still have some hang up preventing him from saying no easily.

 

[Viewt]

You need to tell her what you're telling us. That you love her and that you want to be emotionally available in case she needs you, but that you don't want to do hard labor on the weekends whenever she has a pet project in mind.

If she can't accept that, then at least you'll be able to turn her down with a clear conscience.

 

[PeskyToaster]

Honestly she probably just wants to see you. The chores probably don't matter much.

 

[David Incorporated Esq.]

You should be there for her when she needs it, but if it's getting to the point where she's asking for help so much that you're resenting giving it, then you need to talk about boundaries. Not so much "No I'm not coming ever!" but "Look I have my own life, I can still help but I can't be out there every weekend."

And more than likely she's just coming up with reasons for you to visit because she's lonely and doesn't know how to cope with it.

Wait, she already has a bunch of other people there to help her? I don't get it.

 

[platocplx]

My father passed away a few months ago ( http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1177259&highlight= ) unexpectantly at the age of 59. My mother is 57, and they met in highschool. I am 32 and live about an hour away from my mother. I have a younger brother who lives several states away. My father’s passing was hard on everyone, but now it’s getting to the point where I’m just kind of becoming very annoyed with my mother. Growing up as a child I did not get along with her; to be honest there were many years where I hated her (I found her to be physically and mentally abusive.) Our relationship improved as I went off to undergrad, and whatnot, but we have never been extremely close; I would describe the way the we interact as sarcastic conversations filled with brief quips.

She has been taking on a lot of projects around the house; I presume that she is doing this as a coping mechanism. The thing is she basically expects me to drive down every weekend and do manual labor for her; for all of these voluntary things that she wants done. Now I know that this is an extremely difficult time for her, but at the same time the last thing I want to do after working a long week (I work in finance), is spend my weekend doing a bunch of labor. My g/f and I just got back from the beach after the holiday weekend, and I call my mother to see how she’s doing and she said she wants me to come down this weekend, even though I already have plans. She is having the porch in the backyard torn down, and wants me to help chop down and remove some trees that are in the way of the more expanded porch she is having done. One of my uncles and a bunch of her friends are helping with the trees, but I’m just like come on. Part of me is really starting to resent her, and is creating a pyscohologal link where visiting mom = doing a bunch of things that I hate to do.

I know that she lost her husband of decades, and I can’t imagine how difficult that is – I can’t even fathom losing my g/f of two years. At the same time; I lost my father and I have my own life to live. I feel like a line needs to be drawn in the sand, but I also wonder if that makes me a terrible person? I have already gone down a ton of times, and have done everything from putting lime in the yard, to hauling away things to go to charity.

I think its her way of wanting to spend some time with you. I find it hard to tell my dad i just wanna hang out so i just tell him about stuff i thats up with my house and we hang out doing stuff like that together. Instead of just being kind of a jerk to her you could probally just ask if shes lonely etc. I understand your past history but idk this does make you seem kind of like a terrible person.

 

[echoshifting]

I understand your past history but idk this does make you seem kind of like a terrible person.

This sentence totally contradicts itself.

 

[Log4Girlz]

She needs to plan ahead with you and not expect labor on a whim

 

[GhaleonEB]

I think you need to tell her that you understand what she's going through, and want to help, but need to have balance so you can also live your life. Try to find a different time to come down and help. Unless you don't want to at all, which is a different issue, but it sounds like you are willing. Just set expectations about balance, maybe arrange for one weekend a month to work on projects so she can plan around them, as an example.

She's quite likely working on projects to stay busy as a coping mechanism, I'd imagine. Losing someone after so long would leave a massive, painful void you your life.

 

[xxracerxx]

I understand your past history but idk this does make you seem kind of like a terrible person.

I really don't think you understand.

 

[Palmer_v1]

Compromise?

Tell her you'll help her 1 weekend a month, but every weekend is too much.

Edit:

I think you need to tell her that you understand what she's going through, and want to help, but need to have balance so you can also live your life. Try to find a different time to come down and help. Unless you don't want to at all, which is a different issue, but it sounds like you are willing. Just set expectations about balance, maybe arrange for one weekend a month to work on projects, so she can plan around them, as an example.

She's quite likely working on projects to stay busy as a coping mechanism, I'd imagine. Losing someone after so long would leave a massive, painful void you your life.

Yup.

 

[camel]

I think this is normal. And won't last forever. When my mom lost her husband a couple years ago, it was instant projects all the time. She needed allot of attention and help, even though she was moody and demanding.. I think it was just part of the process.

I think its a way of dealing with loneliness and grief.

 

[YN12]

My father passed away a few months ago ( http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1177259&highlight= ) unexpectantly at the age of 59. My mother is 57, and they met in highschool. I am 32 and live about an hour away from my mother. I have a younger brother who lives several states away. My father’s passing was hard on everyone, but now it’s getting to the point where I’m just kind of becoming very annoyed with my mother. Growing up as a child I did not get along with her; to be honest there were many years where I hated her (I found her to be physically and mentally abusive.) Our relationship improved as I went off to undergrad, and whatnot, but we have never been extremely close; I would describe the way the we interact as sarcastic conversations filled with brief quips.

She has been taking on a lot of projects around the house; I presume that she is doing this as a coping mechanism. The thing is she basically expects me to drive down every weekend and do manual labor for her; for all of these voluntary things that she wants done. Now I know that this is an extremely difficult time for her, but at the same time the last thing I want to do after working a long week (I work in finance), is spend my weekend doing a bunch of labor. My g/f and I just got back from the beach after the holiday weekend, and I call my mother to see how she’s doing and she said she wants me to come down this weekend, even though I already have plans. She is having the porch in the backyard torn down, and wants me to help chop down and remove some trees that are in the way of the more expanded porch she is having done. One of my uncles and a bunch of her friends are helping with the trees, but I’m just like come on. Part of me is really starting to resent her, and is creating a pyscohologal link where visiting mom = doing a bunch of things that I hate to do.

I know that she lost her husband of decades, and I can’t imagine how difficult that is – I can’t even fathom losing my g/f of two years. At the same time; I lost my father and I have my own life to live. I feel like a line needs to be drawn in the sand, but I also wonder if that makes me a terrible person? I have already gone down a ton of times, and have done everything from putting lime in the yard, to hauling away things to go to charity.

On the one hand, I feel for you.

On the other, she raised you. You know how much of a pain in the ass childrean are? Now its payback time lol.

 

[LucidMomentum]

Find her a hot contractor who has a thing for older ladies.

Problem solved.

 

[Litan]

Find her a hot contractor who has a thing for older ladies.

Problem solved.

I'm a contractor, OP.
I'm also fairly hot.
PM me for my contact info.

 

[Rabbi_Vole]

I find it a bit disturbing you all are trying to get this fine poster's recently widowed elderly mother laid.

 

[WeAreStarStuff]

Can you not just say no?

That is something I have difficulty doing; I always try to avoid confrontation.

Have you suggested she start dating again? It might be too soon now but eventually it could help her get past the grief and give you some space.

I mean it's only been like three months, and she told me on the phone that she will never date again.

For those that skipped the op he mentions that his mother was physically and mentally abusive. Dude may still have some hang up preventing him from saying no easily.

I'm sure I have many hang up when it comes to her. She was extremely abusive to me as a child. I considered calling protective services on her more than once. In fact, when I was around 11 or so I created my own language and memorized it so I could write down how I felt about her without anyone being able to decipher what I was I saying. I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day in regards to me and my mother.

Honestly she probably just wants to see you. The chores probably don't matter much.

She doesn't even act like it when I'm there. It's like she will purposefully say things to aggravate me. Lately she's been saying a lot of things about my g/f, and she absolutely has nothing legit to complain about when it comes to her; so she will make comments about her race. I am black, and my g/f is half Peruvian/half Polish. I almost stormed out the last time I was there because of comments she was saying.


Edit: She has a lot of friends and family that visit her pretty much every day. I don't know how lonely she is. She was mad at me for going away this holiday, but she had already been offered to go to several dif. places by several dif. friends, and declined them all; but then gives me grief for going away while she sits at home alone. Honestly, she seems to have a problem with me being in a happy relationship.

 

[Kuro Madoushi]

That is something I have difficulty doing; I always try to avoid confrontation.

I mean it's only been like three months, and she told me on the phone that she will never date again.

I'm sure I have many hang up when it comes to her. She was extremely abusive to me as a child. I considered calling protective services on her more than once. In fact, when I was around 11 or so I created my own language and memorized it so I could write down how I felt about her without anyone being able to decipher what I was I saying. I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day in regards to me and my mother.

She doesn't even act like it when I'm there. It's like she will purposefully say things to aggravate me. Lately she's been saying a lot of things about my g/f, and she absolutely has nothing legit to complain about when it comes to her; so she will make comments about her race. I am black, and my g/f is half Peruvian/half Polish. I almost stormed out the last time I was there because of comments she was saying.

Edit: She has a lot of friends and family that visit her pretty much every day. I don't know how lonely she is. She was mad at me for going away this holiday, but she had already been offered to go to several dif. places by several dif. friends, and declined them all; but then gives me grief for going away while she sits at home alone. Honestly, she seems to have a problem with me being in a happy relationship.

Sounds like me and my mother.

I can only add that sometimes you have to stand your ground. She is your mother, but she doesn't own you. It does seem she wants you around and is asking you to come to cope, but it's kind of a two way street, if she isn't making the environment a positive one to be around, that's on her.

 

[Emwitus]

My father passed away a few months ago ( http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1177259&highlight= ) unexpectantly at the age of 59. My mother is 57, and they met in highschool. I am 32 and live about an hour away from my mother. I have a younger brother who lives several states away. My father’s passing was hard on everyone, but now it’s getting to the point where I’m just kind of becoming very annoyed with my mother. Growing up as a child I did not get along with her; to be honest there were many years where I hated her (I found her to be physically and mentally abusive.) Our relationship improved as I went off to undergrad, and whatnot, but we have never been extremely close; I would describe the way the we interact as sarcastic conversations filled with brief quips.

She has been taking on a lot of projects around the house; I presume that she is doing this as a coping mechanism. The thing is she basically expects me to drive down every weekend and do manual labor for her; for all of these voluntary things that she wants done. Now I know that this is an extremely difficult time for her, but at the same time the last thing I want to do after working a long week (I work in finance), is spend my weekend doing a bunch of labor. My g/f and I just got back from the beach after the holiday weekend, and I call my mother to see how she’s doing and she said she wants me to come down this weekend, even though I already have plans. She is having the porch in the backyard torn down, and wants me to help chop down and remove some trees that are in the way of the more expanded porch she is having done. One of my uncles and a bunch of her friends are helping with the trees, but I’m just like come on. Part of me is really starting to resent her, and is creating a pyscohologal link where visiting mom = doing a bunch of things that I hate to do.

I know that she lost her husband of decades, and I can’t imagine how difficult that is – I can’t even fathom losing my g/f of two years. At the same time; I lost my father and I have my own life to live. I feel like a line needs to be drawn in the sand, but I also wonder if that makes me a terrible person? I have already gone down a ton of times, and have done everything from putting lime in the yard, to hauling away things to go to charity.

She wants to spend time with you

 

[Solideliquid]

Get her some taskrabbits.

 

[dskillzhtown]

She doesn't even act like it when I'm there. It's like she will purposefully say things to aggravate me. Lately she's been saying a lot of things about my g/f, and she absolutely has nothing legit to complain about when it comes to her; so she will make comments about her race. I am black, and my g/f is half Peruvian/half Polish. I almost stormed out the last time I was there because of comments she was saying.


Edit: She has a lot of friends and family that visit her pretty much every day. I don't know how lonely she is. She was mad at me for going away this holiday, but she had already been offered to go to several dif. places by several dif. friends, and declined them all; but then gives me grief for going away while she sits at home alone. Honestly, she seems to have a problem with me being in a happy relationship.

To me it sounds like she may have some issues communicating. You should have a discussion with her. Not an argument, but a discussion about your issues. Maybe talk to one of your relatives about it first and maybe they can help the discussion proceed at a civil volume. I do think that at the root of all this is she wants to spend time with you but really has some things that she needs to work through herself. Maybe she sees your gf "Taking yo away" from her or something. I think a sitdown is due.

 

[gwailo]

OP, you need to let your mother know how you feel. You said you do not like confrontation, but some of that is going to have to happen or your mom will continue to railroad you. Blood relations can only go so far to covering up the fact that some people are abusive assholes that don't deserve your time. Hopefully your mom will realize that before she dies alone. Does she act the same way with your uncle when he comes over? Maybe he can act as a go-between.

 

[Skellig Gra]

Get her some taskrabbits.

Is that still a thing?

 

[icy_eagle]

You need to tell her what you're telling us. That you love her and that you want to be emotionally available in case she needs you, but that you don't want to do hard labor on the weekends whenever she has a pet project in mind.

If she can't accept that, then at least you'll be able to turn her down with a clear conscience.

How about reading the op at all? hahha

On the one hand, I feel for you.

On the other, she raised you. You know how much of a pain in the ass childrean are? Now its payback time lol.

And that excuses abuse? jeez gaf

 

[The Albatross]

I think you're both in a tough spot.

Your mom is lonely but isn't able to ask for you, the closest thing to her deceased husband, to come visit her to spend time with her. So, instead she comes up with things that she needs help with as an excuse to ask you to visit her.

Parents dying is hard because suddenly somebody who had depended on someone else for support for quite a while does not have that default support there. I'm sorry you're in this situation. I don't have any good advice other than that honesty may help you not resent your mother. The small dishonesty of asking you to help clear trees when what she really wants is a companion to talk to leads you to think that she expects you to do labor, when really, she's having trouble communicating. This small dishonesty is leading to frustration for you, and it's difficult to tell your mother "no, I don't want to clear trees," which would end up making her feel like you're saying "no, I don't want to spend time with you" -- which isn't true.

It's difficult to deal with aging and dying parents. A very difficult task for people our age and when our parents are in their 60s, because many of them were a generation that weren't great communicators and now that's manifesting itself in their senior years and our adulthood. So the result is we don't communicate well with our parents. People saying, "Just talk to her and explain these things without arguing" may not know the difficulty of communicating earnestly with someone who you have never communicated earnestly with in your life.

 

[Hero_of_the_Day]

Went through this with my mother in law two summers ago. It was rough. I don't even have any advice to give you as someone who has come out the other side. It's just a trying time.

I guess the only words of wisdom I can give is what my wife really had to learn in dealing with her mom; you just have to say no sometimes.

 

[3N16MA]

Like you said, she is probably doing all these projects as a way to cope. It keeps her busy so there is less time for her to be alone and think about your father.

She may want you there on the weekends just so you be there and not really for the help. Perhaps she doesn't know how to get you there to just sit and talk with her since it seems like you two do not have the best mother son relationship.

I'm probably reaching a bit but something to consider. Best bet is to go over on the weekend and have a talk with her.

 

[norm9]

Ignore the phone calls. Re-contact her in a month or two and see how she's doing then. If she's still a bitch, ignore and repeat.

 

[n00bsauce87]

Ignore the phone calls. Re-contact her in a month or two and see how she's doing then. If she's still a bitch, ignore and repeat.

Wow. Do not do this.

She's probably either still grieving or sees you as closest things she has next to her husband. It's probably her way of trying to bond with you after your father's death. She misses the presence of her husband in the house and this was the only thing she can think of to fill the void.

Don't resent her for missing her husband.

But you are gonna have to have a serious conversation with her. You got to tell her that you can't replace her husband in her life and that you can't come every time she wants you to. You also have to explain it to her that it doesn't seem like you are cutting her off in her time of grievance. You may not like her, but if you have a heart like I imagine you do, it's gonna kill you if she were to do something to herself out of depression.

I'm not saying she will, but you can never know. People take a death of a loved one differently than others.

 

[tearsintherain]

Are you pretty well off? Maybe just hire some folks to help out with the chores and hangout with your mom once every 2-3 weeks.

I totally understand your issue though OP, you are your own person and its a bit ridiculous to expect you to not only spend 8-10 hours with your mom every week but also do hard work during that time. No independent adult should be expected to do that all the time. Maybe just sit with her and talk about it, how you enjoy spending time with her but you are really tired after working 40 hours a week and maybe talk to her about your problems, and she'll open up about her own problems.

Sometimes keeping busy is just a way to avoid thinking about how you feel, works when you are alone but if its multiple people probably better to mix it up with some talk.

 

[Clockwork5]

Have you tried establishing boundaries?

Maybe let her know you are willing to help out a couple times a month. Also, you should let her know that you feel like this is becoming the crux of your relationship and damaging it in the process.

 

[ThLunarian]

If she abused you as a child and treats you like dirt now, just let her go. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

 

[1044]

She physically and mentally abused you as a child? Maybe you should be talking to the police rather than GAF. Just remember that it is not your fault.

 

[mikefrails]

Guy, I was totally going to chew you out for being selfish until I read what she wants you to do. FUCK all that noise. Go take a relaxing walk with your girl instead. Holy shit, expanding her porch? I would've uppercutted her right there.

But really, decline and have a convo about her stabilizing her life. She doesn't need herself and everyone around her getting tied up in her weirdness. Recommend and pay for a therapist if you actually want to help. Or continue to write off your relationship with her, either one.

 

[see5harp]

Just say that you already have plans. There. It's over.

 

[Maximus.]

Well make her understand how you feel. You seem to not have told her anything yet, so how is she supposed to know? I am not saying you are wrong, but have that difficult discussion.

 

[Mammoth Jones]

You saying this cause you honestly are tired after the week and just need time to unwind or saying this cause deep down you still have unresolved resentment towards mom dukes?

Just gently explain to her she needs to slow down with the projects and that you'll help but can't come out every weekend. She'll need to take it a bit easy.

 

[teruterubozu]

She has been taking on a lot of projects around the house; I presume that she is doing this as a coping mechanism.

My mom did this when my father died. But I wouldn't say it was a coping mechanism. She felt like time was running out to do those things because there was no longer male help in the house. She thought she had to do it now before her body breaks down.

I suspect that your mom knows exactly how you feel about her, but she's trying to get you to stick around as long as possible to get all the stuff that was supposed to be done when your dad was alive. I would do it as an honor to your dad, but if you've moved on, then you've moved on.

 

[WeAreStarStuff]

Are you pretty well off? Maybe just hire some folks to help out with the chores and hangout with your mom once every 2-3 weeks.

I totally understand your issue though OP, you are your own person and its a bit ridiculous to expect you to not only spend 8-10 hours with your mom every week but also do hard work during that time. No independent adult should be expected to do that all the time. Maybe just sit with her and talk about it, how you enjoy spending time with her but you are really tired after working 40 hours a week and maybe talk to her about your problems, and she'll open up about her own problems.

Sometimes keeping busy is just a way to avoid thinking about how you feel, works when you are alone but if its multiple people probably better to mix it up with some talk.

I do well for myself, but my mother doesn't have to worry about money. They have had a very comfortable lifestyle, and she doesn't have to work another day in her life if she doesn't want to. I agree that she is keeping busy to help deal with her pain, but she should take on projects that she can do. It's basically like there are all these things that she wants to distract her, but they all require a ton of work from everyone else.

Have you tried establishing boundaries?

Maybe let her know you are willing to help out a couple times a month. Also, you should let her know that you feel like this is becoming the crux of your relationship and damaging it in the process.

I have not tried establishing boundaries, but many people are saying that I should, and I think that is a smart plan. I will call her today when I leave from work - I've still not decided what I'm going to do about this Saturday. I have a really nice social event with my girlfriend planned for that day, and already had to miss a really fun event last time I went down to do manual labor.

If she abused you as a child and treats you like dirt now, just let her go. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

Honestly sometimes I do feel like this, but I feel very guilty. I only found out a few years ago that my asshole grandfather (her father) was very abusive to his wife - I don't know if he was to his children, but I'm sure there is a connection there.

Guy, I was totally going to chew you out for being selfish until I read what she wants you to do. FUCK all that noise. Go take a relaxing walk with your girl instead. Holy shit, expanding her porch? I would've uppercutted her right there.

But really, decline and have a convo about her stabilizing her life. She doesn't need herself and everyone around her getting tied up in her weirdness. Recommend and pay for a therapist if you actually want to help. Or continue to write off your relationship with her, either one.

She doesn't want me to extend the porch; she has contractors doing that. She wants me to help clear trees out of the way for the new porch. The contractors were originally going to clear the trees as well, but she said it would save several thousand if we did it ourselves; which is strange because she honestly does not have to worry about money.

I will def. call today after work and have a conversation with her to set boundaries. I can't be her replacement husband. One thing my dad and her would do a lot is go to formals with their church. She said to me the other day (note she didn't ask) that I will have to go with her now. For one thing, I am very much an atheist, and for another that is just weird, and I was pretty upset that she just would made a declaration like it was something I was obliged to do.

 

[Morts]

That is something I have difficulty doing; I always try to avoid confrontation.



I mean it's only been like three months, and she told me on the phone that she will never date again.



I'm sure I have many hang up when it comes to her. She was extremely abusive to me as a child. I considered calling protective services on her more than once. In fact, when I was around 11 or so I created my own language and memorized it so I could write down how I felt about her without anyone being able to decipher what I was I saying. I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day in regards to me and my mother.




She doesn't even act like it when I'm there. It's like she will purposefully say things to aggravate me. Lately she's been saying a lot of things about my g/f, and she absolutely has nothing legit to complain about when it comes to her; so she will make comments about her race. I am black, and my g/f is half Peruvian/half Polish. I almost stormed out the last time I was there because of comments she was saying.


Edit: She has a lot of friends and family that visit her pretty much every day. I don't know how lonely she is. She was mad at me for going away this holiday, but she had already been offered to go to several dif. places by several dif. friends, and declined them all; but then gives me grief for going away while she sits at home alone. Honestly, she seems to have a problem with me being in a happy relationship.

This is the most important post in the thread. If she goes out of her way to make you miserable when you see her, and doesn't respect your girlfriend or your relationship choices, then you don't owe her anything just because she's your mother. Just because she's grieving doesn't mean she doesn't need to treat you like an adult.

 

[GitarooMan]

I would just suggest at the start handling the situation delicately. No need to draw lines in the sand definitively or blow anything up. Just communicate that you've got some other things going on when you do and that you'll be there to help when you can.

 

[Mammoth Jones]

I would just suggest handling the situation delicately. No need to draw lines in the sand definitively or blow anything up. Just communicate that you've got some other things going on when you do and that you'll be there to help when you can.

This. Go easy.