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I hate flakey people, or "How my friends made me feel like shit this NYE"

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This NYE I was single for the first time in a few years, and I decided I was going to fly back up to New York to hang with my parents and see some old friends. It's the busy season for my work and so I had a pretty compact vacation of five days, two of those travel days. I bought tickets to a show on NYE but besides that had no concrete plans so I go ahead and text a bunch of people weeks in advance that I'm going to be up there and that I'm trying to get some people together on the 30th for some bar crawling.

The 30th is good for most people, they're all home with no plans that Friday. Sweet, I'm thinking we hang out with a mutual friend in Stamford and check out what the town has to offer. It's a nice area in CT with lots of cool bars and a younger vibe (although pretty expensive). We had never hung out there, and it was a decent in between spot for my firends who live in the city and those that live in the burbs. Everybody says they're down for that, get a good group of 5 or 6 people who all say they're good a week in advance. Make some tentative plans to carpool, start a group chat. I was pretty excited.

Fly up there, hang with my parents the first day. That night, the friend we know in Stamford, call him Steve, texts me and tells me his girlfriend made some plans without his knowledge and that he's going to have to try and join us later. I call him and he gives me suggestions for where to go, where to park ect. The places he's suggesting look sweet so even though I'm disappointed he might not make it I'm still stoked to be going down there.

Well, my younger friends who are in the burbs find out that Steve might not make it and start to talk amongst themselves. Eventually the guy who was going to drive a bunch of us down texts me and says he's not sure he wants to make the trip to Stamford if Steve isn't gonna be there. I tell him our friends from the city are already planning on meeting there, and that they probably wouldn't come up for something local since it's a much bigger trip for them. I had already made plans for where to go anyway.

He tells me he's still not sure and that he'll have to see what's going on tomorrow. Of course everyone else follows his lead since he's the only one with a car that can really fit enough people, and the others sort of make their own plans since now we might not have a solid ride. I end up having to tell our city friends not to come up since at this point I'm not even sure I can get there since I don't have a car until later when my parents don't need theirs. They're pretty bummed but tell me to come to their NYE party in Brooklyn after the show.

Day of, and I text the group that if we aren't going to Stamford we should at least do something local. Nothing. Takes two hours for someone to reply and say they're doing something else. Nobody else responds. I let people know I'll be hanging at a local bar for awhile since I wasn't doing anything. Two of them say they'll be there, then nobody shows.

Felt pretty terrible that night. Had all these plans, felt like I put in some real effort, and everyone seems just completely disinterested. I find out later that most of them really weren't doing anything, they just decided to go to the gym that night and were too tired afterward to meet up with me. Luckily I had the show on NYE to look forward to.

And it was awesome (Snarky Puppy at Irving Plaza) but surprise surprise I end up having to sell my extra ticket and go alone. Was still a fantastic show, and afterwards I made it over to Brooklyn to see my other friends. So the trip wasn't a total wash, and of course seeing my parents was great, but I still kinda feel like shit that all these people flaked on me after I flew up to see them and made all these plans.

So now my instinct is to just drop these people, and stop putting effort forth with no reciprocation. Thing is I know these people don't dislike me or anything, it's just hard to get them to go out. So if I don't put effort in to corral them, I'm really just never going to get to hang with them. And that's depressing because that means my circle of friends back home is way smaller.

TLDR; Flew across the country, made plans, they all flaked. I'd feel better if I actually hadn't made any plans or had just saved my money and worked through the holiday.

Thanks GAF. Just wanted to vent.
 
NYE is the flakiest time of the year. Don't sweat it.

This year, I had plans to go to Montreal on NYE. Everyone was down. That changed to Niagara. That changed to a local bar/club. That changed to quite a few folks flaking. That changed to BBQ at my friend's girlfriend's place...

...

I decided to flake myself and chill with another group of friends, had a few beer and chill at home. Whatever, everyone lived. No sweating.
 
I feel like NYE is by far the flakiest of all days. Everyone makes last-minute plans and everyone bails on everyone seemingly.

Best course of action is to either spend it with family (they're highly unlikely to "flake" if you plan far ahead in advance) or have like 5 backup plans just in case.
 
Lesson I learned through out the years is that don't be the first guy to go. I usuallly just come late to make sure everybody is already at the place.
 

Bladenic

Member
If there's anything I've learned in 2016, it's that most people are not worth the effort. OP, if I were you, I wouldn't bother contacting those people again. That may sound harsh, but I bet you if you don't, they won't either. And it's not fair for you to try and reach out when they can't do the same or proceed to ignore/flake on you.
 

xxracerxx

Don't worry, I'll vouch for them.
Lesson I learned through out the years is that don't be the first guy to go. I usuallly just come late to make sure everybody is already at the place.

Originally Posted by sleverfunk

sleverfunk

sleve

steve

Mother fucking Steve.
 

GreekWolf

Member
So... one girlfriend screwed up NYE for everyone AND possibly destroyed multiple friendships in the process? That chick must be Baba Yaga.
 
If there's anything I've learned in 2016, it's that most people are not worth the effort. OP, if I were you, I wouldn't bother contacting those people again. That may sound harsh, but I bet you if you don't, they won't either. And it's not fair for you to try and reach out when they can't do the same or proceed to ignore/flake on you.

I just made a similar post in the other friendship topic. Learn to avoid fairweather friends.
 

The Lamp

Member
I have learned from flakey tired people that if you really want something done and done the way you want, you can't rely on other people.

Next time if you really want to go out, convince yourself to go out without anybody and see if you can enjoy yourself and make friends. Sounds like your friends just didn't want to go out. You can't make them. You gotta find people who will go with you, or go find them.

But yeah NYE is the flakiest day
 

Plywood

NeoGAF's smiling token!
You should also keep in mind OP that you were only available because you were single. I'm sure there may have been times you've had to change plans with friends due to your relationship much like Steve did.
 

Replicant

Member
NatGeo is the only friend you need. Everyone else are just flaky assholes.

Kidding aside, I completely understand. That's why I feel dead inside this year and not wanting to initiate any kind of new friendship. After all of the horror I experienced the past two years, it's hard not to become jaded.

People are awful and rarely give a fuck to reciprocate your efforts at friendship. If you feel that your friendship is one sided, is it even a friendship at all? Shouldn't friendship makes you feel slightly happier instead of miserable?
 
The Brad Pitt rule applies to friendships, too.

Also, maybe they just really didn't wanna see Snarky Puppy? And it does seem like they are more friends with Steve than you. Find some real friends. I find that moving away from home broke up those old friendships real quick, so I wouldn't rely on them
 
I don't understand why you cancelled on the NYC people for the 30th?

I felt like I needed to let them know early whether it was happening or not, since if my suburban friends weren't going I really wasn't going to be able to get myself down there until much later than planned.

If there's anything I've learned in 2016, it's that most people are not worth the effort. OP, if I were you, I wouldn't bother contacting those people again. That may sound harsh, but I bet you if you don't, they won't either. And it's not fair for you to try and reach out when they can't do the same or proceed to ignore/flake on you.

I feel this way too, it's just kinda tough letting friendships go because of a lack of effort. Especially getting to the age post-college where it's much harder to make new friends.


You should also keep in mind OP that you were only available because you were single. I'm sure there may have been times you've had to change plans with friends due to your relationship much like Steve did.

Word. I don't blame Steve at all really. He was pretty much the only person who called me later to catch up and apologize that we didn't get to meet up while I was up there.

The Brad Pitt rule applies to friendships, too.

Also, maybe they just really didn't wanna see Snarky Puppy? And it does seem like they are more friends with Steve than you. Find some real friends. I find that moving away from home broke up those old friendships real quick, so I wouldn't rely on them

I guess I need to google the Brad Pitt rule. As for the concert they didn't have anything to do with that, me ending up with an extra ticket is kind of unrelated. I'm not sure why I added it other than to mention one of my favorite bands (seriously they're sooo fucking good, if you like improvisational music you need to check them out). In hindsight it doesn't really need to be there.
 

sarcastor

Member
one of my friends flaked on me three times in a week. let's just say we're not friends any more.

cause repeat flakers are the worst.
 

Piichan

Banned
Kind of a shitty situation, but what can you do. At least you still managed to have a good time outside of that.

The only thing I can think of in regards to how you could have fixed to situation, is to rent a car or something, I dunno.
 

Desi

Member
NYE is the flakiest time of the year. Don't sweat it.

This year, I had plans to go to Montreal on NYE. Everyone was down. That changed to Niagara. That changed to a local bar/club. That changed to quite a few folks flaking. That changed to BBQ at my friend's girlfriend's place...

...

I decided to flake myself and chill with another group of friends, had a few beer and chill at home. Whatever, everyone lived. No sweating.
This right here. NYE sucks when it comes to scheduling. I had New York planned then later turned to Richmond and then was just me and my girlfriend's friends at a shitty Baltimore dive.

OP I would dump most of those folks for flaking on a out of towner with a decent preplanned schedule. Still though it was that one year of year where it is to be expected.
 

Kathian

Banned
Sounds a bit much OP and late organised. Also your back to see family if your friends can make it great otherwise your kind of working around them.

Most would not go out on the 30th too as you have Hogmanay the next day!
 

jb1234

Member
I feel this way too, it's just kinda tough letting friendships go because of a lack of effort. Especially getting to the age post-college where it's much harder to make new friends.

It gets really bad in your 30s (and I imagine, beyond). Everyone's focused on their families and friendship tends to take a hit. I just don't bother with fair-weather friends anymore. It means I have a lot less of them but the ones I do have, I trust.
 
These people (besides Steve) sound unreliable as fuck, and it's pretty shitty to all bail on you just because Steve might not make it. Especially the guy who was the designated driver. Are you actually directly friends with them as well, or more acquaintances and they're more friendly with Steve?

It's even more galling that you had to take a flight to get there and catch up with everyone, and to be honest unless the plans Steve's girlfriend made were pretty important (which I doubt since he didn't even know about them), he should have maybe prioritised seeing you.
 

Machina

Banned
I was home in my room for NYE, OP. Despite how lame it might sound, I'd much rather do that than hang out with the sort of people you're describing.
 

Mascot

Member
It gets really bad in your 30s (and I imagine, beyond). Everyone's focused on their families and friendship tends to take a hit. I just don't bother with fair-weather friends anymore. It means I have a lot less of them but the ones I do have, I trust.

This is so true. When making arrangements with friends now I always have a back-up plan on the assumption that the original proposals will be cancelled at the last minute. Took me a long period of wrecked weekends to come to this conclusion but it's a great philosophy. I've also decided this year to reevaluate some long-term friendships that had been one-way traffic for a long time time, with it being me always initiating contact and keeping the relationship alive.
 
Don't bother with fairweather friends. I've been much happier after I stopped making an effort on people who wouldn't bother with me in return. My friend group got a lot smaller, but at least now I know that the friends I have aren't going to bail on me unless they actually have a reason to.

As others have said though, NYE is really hard to plan for. Me and a friend were planing a small party on NYE, and every single person ended up having to bail including the friend that was planing it with me. I ended up having to call the one guy who was actually going to come and tell him that the party was off. It was more funny than anything. I've never had plans crash and burn to that degree before.
 

jb1234

Member
I've also decided this year to reevaluate some long-term friendships that had been one-way traffic for a long time time, with it being me always initiating contact and keeping the relationship alive.

Let them go. If you're doing all the work, it's not worth it. I know how much it can hurt to say goodbye in that scenario but you'll be happier in the long run.
 

Mascot

Member
Let them go. If you're doing all the work, it's not worth it. I know how much it can hurt to say goodbye in that scenario but you'll be happier in the long run.

We tend to only meet up a few times a year now, usually at my instigation, but used to be really close. We all went to university together and live reasonably near to each other (one five miles, the other 30 miles). It is quite upsetting. Such is life.
 

jb1234

Member
We tend to only meet up a few times a year now, usually at my instigation, but used to be really close. We all went to university together and live reasonably near to each other (one five miles, the other 30 miles). It is quite upsetting. Such is life.

I'm guessing the closeness faded after you all graduated? I lost a bunch of college friends myself after we no longer had that structure binding us together. Sucked.
 
I end up having to tell our city friends not to come up since at this point I'm not even sure I can get there since I don't have a car until later when my parents don't need theirs.
Didn't you do the exact same thing yourself as your friends? You told others they shouldn't come since you can't arrange transportation anymore yourself.
 

Mascot

Member
I'm guessing the closeness faded after you all graduated? I lost a bunch of college friends myself after we no longer had that structure binding us together. Sucked.

We graduated 25 years ago but remained close until it started tapering off maybe a decade or so ago. Took me a long time to realise that it was me making most of the effort to keep it going. Listen, I'm not going to slam any doors but I'm certainly going to take more of a back seat and see if it tapers away to nothing or if one of them realises that effort is required on their part, too.
 

spuckthew

Member
For the past 3 years I've just had my friends over because acquaintances or friends you don't see/speak to very often tend to have plans already.

I have a pretty good friend who I don't even ask to go out with anymore because he's the flakiest pos in the world, and not just regarding NYE stuff. He lives in the middle of nowhere and is super popular with people with different interests (who also live near him) so it's not even worth it. Why is he "a pretty good friend" then? Well, we went to college for 4 years together and play online a lot; he's just awful when it comes to meeting up. The only time we do meet up is when it suits him, which is invariably me travelling 50 miles to his place.
 

Piers

Member
If there's anything I've learned in 2016, it's that most people are not worth the effort. OP, if I were you, I wouldn't bother contacting those people again. That may sound harsh, but I bet you if you don't, they won't either. And it's not fair for you to try and reach out when they can't do the same or proceed to ignore/flake on you.

Pretty much this. Stop throwing the ball in people's court if they seldom throw it back.
 

entremet

Member
NYE is the flakiest time of the year. Don't sweat it.

This year, I had plans to go to Montreal on NYE. Everyone was down. That changed to Niagara. That changed to a local bar/club. That changed to quite a few folks flaking. That changed to BBQ at my friend's girlfriend's place...

...

I decided to flake myself and chill with another group of friends, had a few beer and chill at home. Whatever, everyone lived. No sweating.

Yep. It is.
 
Are these your friends or friends you met through Steve. It seems like everyone was looking forward to hanging out with him, you were just the person to put it together.
 

Vengal

Member
Curious how often do these 'Friends' directly communicate with you?

Its taken me years to realize that I was the one keeping a group of rapidly separating people together through extraordinary effort. After the last time shit didn't work out I just said fuck it.
 
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