I think my girlfriend's parents are taking advantage of her

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Snowman

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They've always been ridiculously over-protective of her, she's 19 now and they still don't let her stay at home on her own for extended periods of time (like overnight for example) and when she was 16/17 they wouldn't even let her walk through town on her own (this is like a small, pretty nice town, not like a big city or anything). And it was always a bit weird and a bit of a pain in the ass sometimes, but it wasn't really a big deal.

Last year when she was deciding what university to go to, her and her parents argued quite a bit because they were adamant she stayed living at home, and she wanted to move away. Their argument was that they couldn't afford it, but plenty of people I know manage to go away to uni with no financial help from their parents and I suspected the real reason was that they didn't want her living on her own. She eventually gave in as they were threatening to not give their like earnings info so she wouldn't be able to get the full loan/grant she was entitled to (I'm sure there must've been a way around this really) and she didn't want to completely fall out with her parents.

She has a twin sister and I'm pretty sure they even said they both had to go to the same uni too at some point (even though they'd both be living at home). Anyway, I made it known at the time that I thought it was kind of shitty of them and I thought she should fight them on it a bit more but it was ultimately her decision and I didn't want to interfere too much. So she goes to university a 45 minute drive away, has to commute there and back every day, works at a supermarket part time to get some extra cash and still gets a little bit of a student loan/grant (although not as much because she's living with her parents).

The real problem is that her parents then make her give them £3000 out of her student loan/grant every year for rent/board. Which is like a lot more than half at least. I honestly don't know how much other people pay their parents to live at home, but is this not kind of a crazy amount considering they forced her to live at home in the first place?

I kind of brought this up with her at the time and she got kind of upset at me for suggesting they might be taking advantage of her a little bit, which I sort of get so I back off and don't mention it for a while. If she's happy with the situation who am I to argue right?

So I kind of left it alone. Then about a week ago she was stressing about money because she was nearly running out for the month, she's getting paid this week so it's all good really, she's just spent way more than she meant to in the last month or so. During this she tells me she's spent £300 on ipads for her and her sister as christmas gifts from her parents. As in, her mum said she'd pay her back for them at some point afterwards but they just can't afford them for now but they really wanted to get them something. Apparently my gf tried telling them not to bother and that she'd be fine without any big presents this year, but this is what ended up happening.

Is this kind of insane or is it just me? I explained that I thought it was kind of dodgy and she got really upset with me and said it's not her parents' fault that they're poor and she doesn't mind helping out. Which is fair enough, but her parents don't seem like they're struggling with money, they all have iphones, they seem like they don't worry how much they spend on groceries (as opposed to my parents, who only ever buy whatever is cheapest) and they go away on holidays too.

I'm probably just gonna leave it alone, because she gets quite upset whenever I talk about any of this stuff, and if she's happy, I'm happy and it's not my place to interfere. I just thought not explaining how I felt would be not looking out for her I guess?

I realise this isn't nearly the worst thing parents have ever done to their children, but it seems sort of shitty to me, just wanted to know what you guys thought about it since I can't really talk about it with anyone else. Maybe I'm completely wrong?

tldr: gf's parents forced her to live at home while she went to uni, made her pay too much(?) for living there and now they're making her pay for her and her sister's xmas present but they'll pay her back for them in january at some point

is this kinda messed up or naw?
 
The thing that I find sucks most in this post is £3000 for rent. What the fuck? They probably keeping her at home so they can sponge more than 50% of her money.

Edit: I want to take a stab and say you are Scottish?
 
Looks like some abusive parents...luckily she's 19 & at uni, which means she'll emancipate one step at a time.

My advice : help her, but don't pressure her, she's got enough on the family side.
 
The rent may be a bit much but clearly they love her from what you have posted . Do you have a good relationship with her family? Maybe talk to them, I am sure that they won't mind reducing the rental amount if you talk nice.

Edit

Some people just don't have money sense. Educate them if possible.

Her parents does not sounds like bad people to me.
 
Wow.

Sounds like to me what started as parents being afraid to let go became (conciously or not) propping up the daughter's successes and demanding stuff making it seem like it is her responsibility or something.
 
they sound manipulative to me, if she's 19 she can do whatever the fuck she wants (i.e. she should bail).
 
She really needs to take a deep breath and be open and honest with her parents. If they aren't complete aresholes, they will soon get over any temporary ill-feeling. It doesn't sound like they are supporting her in any way and she has more to gain than lose.
 
they can't afford to let her live on her own because they rely on the money they extort from her for the "room and board"


your girlfriend also loses out on loan/grant money because she has to pay her parents to live at home.


its bullshit, and they are taking advantage. what is the benefit to her living at home other than not having parents that hate her?
 
£250 a month doesn't sound like that much (although I have no idea what the average for student rent is at the moment). If she's staying there I'd imagine she'll be spending more then that on food, utilities, and parental taxi's. If her parents are poor..... :/
 
-Deimos said:
Parents....charging their kids for rent. What the hell?
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Yes, its called board, and thats about $52 a week. Try and find rent for that much especially if they include her utilities (water, power, gas) and food. Thats a pretty sweet deal.

However, if she wants to move out, why the parents have any say in that is bizarre to me.
 
Pankratous said:
The thing that I find sucks most in this post is £3000 for rent. What the fuck? They probably keeping her at home so they can sponge more than 50% of her money.

Edit: I want to take a stab and say you are Scottish?
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that's £50 a week or so rent. not particularly unreasonable.

the rest is, but are you actually privvy to why she's staying?
 
Hypoallergenic Chie said:
My parents charged me $200 a month starting from when I got my first job. Surely it can't be that uncommon?
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its not. at all.

AlteredForms said:
She's paying £9000 a year and she's still giving money to her parents? What university is studying at, Oxford?
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as opposed to giving more money to a landlord.


she's 19. its pretty normal to have to pay your own way unless you're lucky.

have you asked why she decided to stay at home?
 
-Deimos said:
Parents....charging their kids for rent. What the hell?
Click to expand...

I think it's fair to ask for a bit of a contribution to bills and so on if it wasn't for the fact they demanded she stay, but yeah £3,000 is way too much. That's enough to move out on her own.
 
here's one for you:

is it more unfair that this girl is forced to pay rent to her parents because they are poor.

or is it worse that my parents could afford it, but chose to make me pay my own rent?

eitherway, its just money that she would've had to spend, and should be spending. far better than her drifting through uni with no appreciation of money.

the more important point is why she felt obliged to stay at home when she wanted to leave.
 
£250 a month is more than reasonable. As long as it includes meals, bills and such.

My parents charged me £200 a month to live with them for a year after university.
 
Parents charging their children rent can be seen as something frowned upon. These are your flesh and blood, not simply investments or hostels where you simply leave after plundering as much resources as possible.

An agreement for paying bills should be made when the child is in a stable financial position and of mature age. 24 or 25 perhaps, after they have finished university, have a good job and are able to contribute to the family.
 
industrian said:
£250 a month is more than reasonable. As long as it includes meals, bills and such.

My parents charged me £200 a month to live with them for a year after university.
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The difference is they presumably didn't pressure you into staying, to the point they'd cost you thousands of pounds in means adjusted loans if you left.

You can't demand your kids stay at home and then charge them what is comparable to what they'd be paying if they left.
 
AlteredForms said:
Parents charging their children rent can be seen as something frowned upon. These are your flesh and blood, not simply investments or hostels where you simply leave after plundering as much resources as possible.

An agreement for paying bills should be made when the child is in a stable financial position and of mature age. 24 or 25 perhaps, after they have finished university, have a good job and are able to contribute to the family.
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she's 19. she's not a child.

RedShift said:
I think it's fair to ask for a bit of a contribution to bills and so on if it wasn't for the fact they demanded she stay, but yeah £3,000 is way too much. That's enough to move out on her own.
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that really depends on where. i'd be surprised if you can find ANY halls of residence at that price, and you'd have to be up north, or very lucky, to get £3000 for rent with bills. uni accomodation around london is pushing twice that amount.

RedShift said:
The difference is they presumably didn't pressure you into staying, to the point they'd cost you thousands of pounds in means adjusted loans if you left.

You can't demand your kids stay at home and then charge them what is comparable to what they'd be paying if they left.
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do we really know this?

she seemed offended when he suggested that she was being taken advantage of.

perhaps the OP doesn't really know the full story? it sounds like it hasn't actually been properly discussed.
 
Parents asking for rent is bizarre to me. Helping with the bills is fine but actually asking for a set amount every month and being treated like a tenant seems strange. It's a culture thing I guess. Hell, my parents would pay ME to stay living with them.

This situation is even more weird since she wants to move out but is being forced by her parents to stay AND pay them. They're obviously leeching her loans for their own personal use and using rent as an excuse.
 
-Deimos said:
Parents asking for rent is bizarre to me. Helping with the bills is fine but actually asking for a set amount every month and being treated like a tenant seems strange. It's a culture thing I guess. Hell, my parents would pay ME to stay living with them.

This situation is even more weird since she wants to move out but is being forced by her parents to stay AND pay them. They're obviously leeching her loans for their own personal use and using rent as an excuse.
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believe me, at 19 or so they wouldn't be paying you for long.

£50-£60 a week with bills and food included at the age of 19 is NOT treating someone like a tennant.

GingerNathan said:
£3000 a year according to the OP, not term.
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+ £9000 tuition.
 
I am a little surprised at people surprised by board. I was having to live off welfare due to my anxiety / panic disorder. I was paying $100 a week (half of my welfare) on board alone each week and believe me, my parents are not at all hard up for cash.
 
RedShift said:
The difference is they presumably didn't pressure you into staying, to the point they'd cost you thousands of pounds in means adjusted loans if you left.

You can't demand your kids stay at home and then charge them what is comparable to what they'd be paying if they left.
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To be honest, my parents charging my sister and I rent was more of a "read between the lines" to get us to leave. That and it only applied when we had jobs.

But I agree with you up until "what they'd be paying if they left." Unless there's something I'm missing, it's damned near impossible to find a place for £250 a month in most UK cities.
 
At only 19 you can't really expect everyone to be independent, but the parents are fully taking the piss. I'd go so far as to say they're being cuntish. That said, we can only ever comment on the situation from your side of the story, because they aren't here.
 
I think this is something that changes a lot from country to contry. I literally have never met anyone in real life that payed rent for their parents, and people here only get out of their parents house when they get married (or have to study or work in another city).

I'm 27 and live with my parents for free. A coworker just got out of his parents house last year because he got married, and he his 31.
 
j3ff3 said:
believe me, at 19 or so they wouldn't be paying you for long.

£50-£60 a week with bills and food included at the age of 19 is NOT treating someone like a tennant.



+ £9000 tuition.
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I'm 21, in school and living with my parents lol. There's obviously a clash in culture here.
 
are they taking the piss though?

they've probably spent 'x' amount over the years.

if they're struggling for christmas presents, is there really anything wrong with trying to help and support your family - returning the favour?

yes it isn't ideal, and they sound overbearing. but we really don't know her reasons for staying.

-Deimos said:
I'm 21, in school and living with my parents lol. There's obviously a clash in culture here.
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you must have a good relationship with your folks then!

although to be fair my own experience only comes from going *back* to live at home. and almost anyone else that did. at that point i think everyone has got used to having their own space!

it lasted 3 months for me :D
 
j3ff3 said:
are they taking the piss though?

they've probably spent 'x' amount over the years.

if they're struggling for christmas presents, is there really anything wrong with trying to help and support your family - returning the favour?

yes it isn't ideal, and they sound overbearing. but we really don't know her reasons for staying.
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"You can't live where you want to live or go to the uni you want to go to so you're going to live at home instead, but instead of supporting you through your education we're going to charge you normal rates/more than you would pay [delete as applicable] anyway. So you get no benefits whatsoever. Enjoy your higher education, love."

"It's Christmas, and I want to buy you and your sister expensive things but we can't afford it so give us the money and we'll pay you back."
"I don't need it, don't worry about it."
"Nope, this is happening, give us money."

It doesn't paint the best picture of the parents.
 
SixFourMike said:
.
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i deleted your post as applicable ;)

seriously though, those are made up scenarios.

1. she's being asked to pay LESS, not MORE than she would've had to by moving out.

2. why is the concept of helping your family out with a paltry sum of £50 a week so foreign to people? they've paid her way for 19 years as far as we know.


maybe they came to this arrangement? they obviously need the money, and perhaps she has agreed to live at home to help out. the OP doesn't sound like he'd know eitherway, so its a bit much for us to start throwing mud at the parents.
 
SixFourMike said:
So you get no benefits whatsoever. Enjoy your higher education, love.".
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Don't think you get free food in student halls, and you certainly don't get free food and utilities in shared student accommodation.



I think OP is just a bit salty because he want's his girlfriend to move out so he can have the sex. :p
 
j3ff3 said:
i deleted your post as applicable ;)

seriously though, those are made up scenarios.

1. she's being asked to pay LESS, not MORE than she would've had to by moving out.

2. why is the concept of helping your family out with a paltry sum of £50 a week so foreign to people? they've paid her way for 19 years as far as we know.
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3 grand is pretty close to what I paid rent for at University, it's probably more than that now but if she has to drive 45 minutes I doubt this is the case

I don't see anything wrong with paying rent to parents, it's more that they didn't give her the choice to move out that she wanted
 
Dougald said:
3 grand is pretty close to what I paid rent for at University, it's probably more than that now but if she has to drive 45 minutes I doubt this is the case

I don't see anything wrong with paying rent to parents, it's more that they didn't give her the choice to move out that she wanted
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hahaha. fucking hell! was interested to know where you were based. Berkshire :D

i live on erleigh road in reading right by the uni.

tbh you'd struggle to get rent even without bills for £250 now days.

even 4 years ago students were on £350 + bills. almost twice as much.

in london its around £750 for halls. about £9000 a year.


* but yes, back in the day my rent for uni was £3000. 10 years ago :D
 
I paid £220 a month last year at uni without bills and bills came up to about £20 a month shared between 4 people so its possible to get a house that cheap. My parents will never charge me rent and they struggle with money constantly.

It might be a culture thing as my parents are African
 
j3ff3 said:
hahaha. fucking hell!

i live on erleigh road ;) (reading - i assume you're round this part of berks)

you'd never get rent even without bills, for £250 now days
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I just googled student accommodation in reading, in a shared house, £70-100 per week

Admittedly that's certainly a shithole, but I lived in a house with no carpet and no door on the bathroom when I was at university, so it's part of the "experience" surely..
 
Her reasons for staying is they essentially forbid her from moving away to uni, to the point where she pretty much thought she'd have to sever all ties to them if she actually wanted to leave. Which she didn't want to do. She essentially chose having a relationship with her parents over leaving home.

And then they made her pay them to stay there, which I agree isn't that bad, and while it might not be super extortionate, bear in mind she's doing a full-time university course, £65 a week seems a little much? Especially because she now has to drive to uni every day, paying for petrol and upkeep of her car.
 
Snowman said:
Her reasons for staying is they essentially forbid her from moving away to uni, to the point where she pretty much thought she'd have to sever all ties to them if she actually wanted to leave. Which she didn't want to do. She essentially chose having a relationship with her parents over leaving home.

And then they made her pay them to stay there, which I agree isn't that bad, and while it might not be super extortionate, bear in mind she's doing a full-time university course, £65 a week seems a little much? Especially because she now has to drive to uni every day, paying for petrol and upkeep of her car.
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Is that 45 minutes each way? Because that's got to be what 2-300 quid a month on fuel easily
 
jesu said:
I had to use a calculator but that's £60 a week rent she is paying.
That's a bit steep!
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That's not steep at all. You'll find most rents are upwards of £150 a week.

As to the point. Them demanding money from her loan, that's simply not acceptable. Sounds like they said she should stay at home and are now demanding she pay for them encouraging her to stay?

She should move out, but it sounds like that might not be possible as she might end up spending more to do so.

As for the rest, pretty clear cut case of her being taken advantage of.
 
Dougald said:
I just googled student accommodation in reading, in a shared house, £70-100 per week

Admittedly that's certainly a shithole, but I lived in a house with no carpet and no door on the bathroom when I was at university, so it's part of the "experience" surely..
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yeah, i understand that! i did the same. honestly though, the letting agents take the piss round here, especially with students.

you'd get that sort of place for £300/month, if you were lucky. most student places are still £325 +.


but add £50-£100 for bills and food and you're still looking at between £5k and £6k. not £3k.
 
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