chimpsteaks
Member
Let's start with Superman (1978), his most iconic film appearance. If you haven't seen this movie, you would probably assume that at some point in its 3 hour and 8 minute runtime, Superman flies around and fights crime. He does not. Superman does not actually fight anyone in this movie. In fact, Superman has not actually ever fought anybody in any of the movies he has been in. In 7 movies over the course of the past 42 years, Superman has never beaten any villain in a fight. He has, however:
- Had his ass kicked several times, by regular guys with no powers
- become an angry alcoholic
- let his girlfriend get fucked by his coworker
- let his girlfriend get killed
- has ended up on life support in the hospital
- has cried in 4 out of the 7 movies
- got thrown into the ocean
The villain in the 1978 film is Lex Luthor, who is just a really cool rich guy who has an awesome pool and a busty bimbo girlfriend. Immediately the viewer recognizes that Lex is the true protagonist of the movie.
Lex Luthor:
- Owns an elegant yet tasteful lair with a jaw dropping olympic size pool, completely decked out in marble and 24 karat gold
- is flaunting a supermodel caliber girlfriend who is way hotter than Lois Lane
- Owns a comprehensive library and always keeps himself well read
- Is a cunning, prolific, widely respected businessman who has earned every penny of his fortune
But this is the most important thing about Lex: He doesn't have some fruity contrived plan about turning society against eachother or some lame shit like that - Lex is just a classic no nonsense villain who wants to launch a bunch of giant missiles all over America. He just wants to blow everybody up and smoke cigars and have a good time. Meanwhile Superman, despite having literally all the powers you can possibly imagine, gets bested fair and square by the better man in Lex Luthor, and he lets Lois Lane die a really horrible gruesome death. Then instead of fighting Lex Luthor man to man, Superman comes up with this fruity bullshit cop out where he's gonna fly around the earth really fast and rewind time to before any of this happened. He just undoes the whole movie. Superman failed so terrifically that he has to resort to rewinding the whole fucking movie to a time before Superman showed up, because he needed a do-over. Not very heroic if you ask me. The guy can shoot lasers out of his fucking eyes and fly and he lost to a regular guy who has a lot of money and a few missiles. With his super strength, Superman could have just punched Lex Luthor once and exploded him into a bloody mist, or froze him with his breath, or disintegrated him with his eye beams but he somehow managed to fucking lose so bad that he had to resort to travelling back in time to before he lost.
Superman 2 we can skip.
Superman 3. At this point, Superman has such a bad reputation that Richard Pryor gets more screentime than him. Halfway through the movie Superman becomes an alcoholic and smashes up some random civilian's bar. That is not Super behavior. I would even argue that is not even the behavior of a Man. Maybe he should just call himself the alcoholic who can fly.
So somehow like 5 minutes later in the movie he fights the evil version of himself. We're 3 movies into the Superman saga, and this is the first actual physical fight he's ever been in, and he's fighting him fucking self. The only fight he's ever actually been in is one where a Superman is guaranteed to lose. Later, the climax of the movie is that the villain steps into an elevator and Superman used that opportunity to throw the elevator into space. Yet again, he manages to not fight the villain. He's rewinded time, lost a fight to himself, become a drunk, and threw an elevator into space and this narcissist has the nerves to pose for the cameras like he's a fucking hero. That's all he cares about. He doesn't care about stopping crime, he just cares about looking cool and posing for the cameras, and he's not even good at that. He doesn't even fly cool, he just levitates away like a fairy boy.
And now we arrive at the biggest offender. Superman Returns. Superman comes back to earth and finds out some other guy at the Daily Planet is fucking Lois Lane. Superman goes full stalker and flies around the trees outside her house and watches them fuck through her window. The man can literally fly and shoot lasers out of his eyes, and yet another man is fucking his girlfriend, and he just floats around and watches. He's an actual cuckold. But at least Lex Luthor is in this one again. He now has a ridiculously cool yacht and an even bustier bimbo. He's the man who has everything. And in this movie he basically doesn't even have an evil plan, he just wants to kick Superman's ass again, for fun. Because that's the only thing that can give him a thrill anymore. And he fucking does it again. Superman shows up to fight Lex, then gets exposed to kryptonite. So now Superman isn't invincible anymore, and Lex just kicks the living shit out of him and it is so embarrassing. Superman at this point is actually crying, see the pic up top.
So he's crying his eyes out like a baby and being slapped around by Lex and thrown into the mud. Superman is such a pussy and is so used to being unkillable, that as soon as Lex uses kryptonite and Superman realizes he can actually get hurt this time, FOR ONCE, he shrinks to the pressure and just lets the old man beat him into a pulp and throw him into the fucking ocean. He is so smug all the time when he knows hes invincible and can't be even mildly injured, but the second you play the kryptonite card and he actually has to engage in a fair fight on a level playing field, one where he can actually be hurt, he freaks out and suddenly decides he doesn't want to fight you anymore. Anyway Lex proceeds to smack the fucking piss out of him and Superman ends up in the hospital on an IV, almost dies, and Lex just flies off into the sunset in a helicopter with his busty wife. Then they run out of gas conveniently and the movie just ends. Superman loses yet again, and Lex just happened to run out of gas.
Superman is 0 for 4 against Lex Luthor and he has ended up in the hospital more times than he's put any villains in the hospital. He has never actually beaten any villain, he's only ever won by fruity little loopholes like rewinding time or hoping you run out of gas. In essence, he is the kid who unplugs your Nintendo 64 when you're about to beat him.
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