SurprisedPikachu
Member
Just look in a mirror.
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Jokes Thread.
- Thread starter and 3 others
- Start date
FreedomOfSpeech
Banned
One from Al Bundy S03E10:
What do women and dog-doody have in common?
What do women and dog-doody have in common?
The older they are, the easier they are to pick up
Mistershine.
Banned
I was driving home yesterday when I came up to one of those half barrier level crossings.The red lights were flashing and the barriers were on their way down so I pulled up sharply.
Suddenly this car full of Pak!s pulled out and tried to beat the lights and barriers. They got half way across when a large fully laden goods train hit them, the car disintegrated and all the occupants were killed instantly.
I sat there open mouthed and thought "Jesus, that could have easily been me"
So this morning I've sent off my train drivers application form to Network Rail
Suddenly this car full of Pak!s pulled out and tried to beat the lights and barriers. They got half way across when a large fully laden goods train hit them, the car disintegrated and all the occupants were killed instantly.
I sat there open mouthed and thought "Jesus, that could have easily been me"
So this morning I've sent off my train drivers application form to Network Rail
notseqi
Member
We do too.
Where does a belgian steady himself while having sex? The school bag.
An Irishman goes to the blacksmith to ask for a job. The blacksmith asks, 'are you good at shoeing horses?' The irishman replies, 'no, but I once told a donkey to fuck off.'
Two nuns are sitting on a park bench when a guy walks up in a trenchcoat, opens it and reveals to be completely naked underneath. One nun had a stroke, the other one couldn't reach.
O-N-E
Member
On a construction site....
A man working on a higher floor gets the attention of a man working on the ground level
He motions to him, pointing at his eye, then his knee, then making a wrenching motion
The man on the ground floor makes a masturbation motion
The man up top more vigorously mimes the eye, knee and wrench
He receives a masturbation motion once again
Now he's pissed off and gets down to the man on the ground in a huff
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? I'M TELLING YOU TO BRING ME A WRENCH!"
"AND I'M TELLING YOU THAT I'M COMING!"
A man working on a higher floor gets the attention of a man working on the ground level
He motions to him, pointing at his eye, then his knee, then making a wrenching motion
The man on the ground floor makes a masturbation motion
The man up top more vigorously mimes the eye, knee and wrench
He receives a masturbation motion once again
Now he's pissed off and gets down to the man on the ground in a huff
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? I'M TELLING YOU TO BRING ME A WRENCH!"
"AND I'M TELLING YOU THAT I'M COMING!"
and 3 others
Banned
Why did the walrus go to a Tupperware party? He was looking for a tight seal.
notseqi
Member
A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
and 3 others
Banned
just told that joke (slight variation) a few weeks ago.
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MudoSkills
Volcano High Alumnus (Cum Laude)
A man is sitting in a pub getting absolutely shitfaced, the barman decides to kick him out after he makes a complete mess of himself, getting puke all down his shirt.
'Ah man' he says on his way out 'not again, my wife is going to fucking kill me.' The barman feels sorry for him, and decides to share some advice.
'Do you still have some money on you?' The man nods 'Well slip a tenner in your shirt pocket, and when your wife asks what happened say some drunk threw up on you and gave you some money to get the shirt cleaned.' The man thanks him, goes off home.
When he arrives his wife is straight at the door:
'What the hell happened to you?'
'I was at the pub for a quick drink and this one guy, totally smashed, pukes on my shirt. He was really sorry, gave me £10 do getting cleaned - here.'
'This is a £20 note.'
'Oh, I forgot, he also shit in my pants.'
'Ah man' he says on his way out 'not again, my wife is going to fucking kill me.' The barman feels sorry for him, and decides to share some advice.
'Do you still have some money on you?' The man nods 'Well slip a tenner in your shirt pocket, and when your wife asks what happened say some drunk threw up on you and gave you some money to get the shirt cleaned.' The man thanks him, goes off home.
When he arrives his wife is straight at the door:
'What the hell happened to you?'
'I was at the pub for a quick drink and this one guy, totally smashed, pukes on my shirt. He was really sorry, gave me £10 do getting cleaned - here.'
'This is a £20 note.'
'Oh, I forgot, he also shit in my pants.'
Hulk_Smash
Banned
I got the side of my dick tattooed. It says “Bruce”.
Except when I’m hard. Then it says, “Bruce Banner’s Bar & Grill Albuquerque, New Mexico”
Except when I’m hard. Then it says, “Bruce Banner’s Bar & Grill Albuquerque, New Mexico”
Sub_Level
wants to fuck an Asian grill.
Its true.
The Rain King
Member
What's the difference between a Scottish man and Walt Disney?
The Scotsman wears a kilt and Walt disney.
The Scotsman wears a kilt and Walt disney.
and 3 others
Banned
I might be too American to get that!?
NeoIkaruGAF
Gold Member
Disney = doesn't/didn't?
OmegaSupreme
advanced basic bitch
What do you do when your dishwasher breaks down? Slap her.
FreedomOfSpeech
Banned
jacksondeam
Neo Member
My grandfather shot down 22 German planes, he was the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe
and 3 others
Banned
Gamerguy84
Member
A man comes home with a ticket in hand. Very excited, he asks his wife what would she do if he won the lottery?
She says she would divorce him and take half the money.
She says she would divorce him and take half the money.
He gives her 3 dollars.
She says what is this?
He says I won 6 dollars now get the fuck out
She says what is this?
He says I won 6 dollars now get the fuck out
MaestroMike
Gold Member
why did egg make the chicken laugh??? cuz it told some good yolks
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Cutty Flam
Banned
why did the cow wielding a chainsaw enter the donut shop?
Prison Mike
Banned
Man walks into the twin towers and asks if he can buy a jumbo jet
"we dont sell them here" replies the receptionist.
"well why do you have them in the window then".
Whats red and slides across a chipshop floor.
An abortion of chips.
"we dont sell them here" replies the receptionist.
"well why do you have them in the window then".
Whats red and slides across a chipshop floor.
An abortion of chips.
FreedomOfSpeech
Banned
Dutch farmer is walking along his fields.
He sees a stranger on his knees next to a ditch, scooping up water with his hand to drink it.
Farmer yells "Hee niet drinken dat is giftig!" (= dutch: don't drink, it's poisonous)
Strangers yells "Wie bitte?" (= german: say what?)
Farmer scoops hand and yells "Beide handen benutzen (= german: use both hands!)
Classic anti-german joke from Holland
He sees a stranger on his knees next to a ditch, scooping up water with his hand to drink it.
Farmer yells "Hee niet drinken dat is giftig!" (= dutch: don't drink, it's poisonous)
Strangers yells "Wie bitte?" (= german: say what?)
Farmer scoops hand and yells "Beide handen benutzen (= german: use both hands!)
Classic anti-german joke from Holland
notseqi
Member
Yeah? Fuk u.Dutch farmer is walking along his fields.
He sees a stranger on his knees next to a ditch, scooping up water with his hand to drink it.
Farmer yells "Hee niet drinken dat is giftig!" (= dutch: don't drink, it's poisonous)
Strangers yells "Wie bitte?" (= german: say what?)
Farmer scoops hand and yells "Beide handen benutzen (= german: use both hands!)
Classic anti-german joke from Holland
How wide is Holland? Two panzer-hours.
FreedomOfSpeech
Banned
Gib mir mein Fahhrad zuruck!
NeoIkaruGAF
Gold Member
We have the same joke with a man from Naples drinking in Milan.Dutch farmer is walking along his fields.
He sees a stranger on his knees next to a ditch, scooping up water with his hand to drink it.
Farmer yells "Hee niet drinken dat is giftig!" (= dutch: don't drink, it's poisonous)
Strangers yells "Wie bitte?" (= german: say what?)
Farmer scoops hand and yells "Beide handen benutzen (= german: use both hands!)
Classic anti-german joke from Holland
Schrödinger's cat
Banned
What's red and smells of blue paint?
Red paint
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
What's black and white and red all over?
A nun with stab wounds
What's red and taps on the window?
A baby in a microwave.
What do you call a blind reindeer?
No idea.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Can you smell carrots?
Red paint
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
What's black and white and red all over?
A nun with stab wounds
What's red and taps on the window?
A baby in a microwave.
What do you call a blind reindeer?
No idea.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Can you smell carrots?
Slings and Arrows
Banned
What's the difference between Madelieine Mcann and Batman Returns
Batman Returns.
Batman Returns.
dr_octagon
Banned
They created a half leather and half suede chair to celebrate Mandela. He wouldn't have approved cos it was a part hide.
iconmaster
Banned
Ozzy Onya A2Z
Member
Some dark jokes it is then...
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing you already told her twice.
And the classic from my kids when they were young...
Why didn't the skeleton jump off the cliff?
He didn't have the guts!
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and 3 others
Banned
Mods...
Stouffers
Banned
Yea, I lost the respect of my wife, kids and pets with that one. The dogs now just take turns openly humping my Pilates headrest.
Thing on a Spring
Member
What do you call a woman with one leg?
What do you call a woman with no legs?
Eileen
What do you call a woman with no legs?
Noleen
dr_octagon
Banned
A murder mystery show is to be released, starring an Eskimo as a detective. When he reveals the killer, his catchphrase will be ‘i-nuit'.
Thing on a Spring
Member
What do you call an Irish man hanging from the ceiling?
What do you call an Irish bouncer?
Sean D'Oliear
What do you call an Irish bouncer?
Liam Malone
dr_octagon
Banned
Did you hear about the Jamaican guy who robbed a supermarket? The police said it wasn't his first offence, apparently he did it Aldi time.
There was video footage of him throwing ice cream at shoppers. I thought how dairy.
There was video footage of him throwing ice cream at shoppers. I thought how dairy.
dr_octagon
Banned
How many Alzheimer patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side.
A new militia group has been set up in Africa, armed with Sony cameras, they are known as bokeh haram.
A new militia group has been set up in Africa, armed with Sony cameras, they are known as bokeh haram.
DogofWar
Member
West Texas CEO
GAF's Nicest Lunch Thief and Nosiest Dildo Archeologist
dr_octagon
Banned
What do you call white culture? Yoghurt.
NeededSleep
Member
My favorite little johnny joke:
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes.
Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."
The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.
The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes.
Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."
The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.
The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself
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