LGBTQIA+ | OT7 | ~First comes love, then comes marriage~
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TheAbsolution
Member
Well, everybody makes mistakes and has bad decisions in their 20s. You're not alone.
Now, you've just gotta focus on making good future decisions and stop worrying about the past.
Maleficence
Member
I currently live in the east midlands in Lincoln, seems there's a few of us dotted about!
TheAbsolution
Member
Y'all should meetup or something.
terrisus
Member
I mean, I know that...
But I just feel like I was in such a good position, and has so many chances and opportunities and possibilities and ways I could have made things better than they were...
And I messed every single one of them up.
I literally made the wrong decision at every single major life point during that time.
I had an emotional breakdown the other day over things.
My wife didn't even care.
Or, well, she did care - she yelled at me a bunch for making such a big deal over thing.
I mean, I know everyone makes mistakes in life and wishes they could have done many things differently.
And I don't mean to minimize other people's experiences or sound insulting or anything like that, but...
I feel like it's one thing if you didn't really have that many options or possibilities or advantages.
Yeah, you may have made mistakes which led to you being in a worse position than you could have been...
But... and this is going to sound horrible, and I apologize, I really don't mean to sound rude or offensive... The difference really isn't that big.
But, seriously, I could have done and had just about anything I wanted through my 20s.
Instead, I'm a massively in debt loser who has wasted the past dozen years with nothing to show for it, in a horrible situation, with literally no way to get out of it, all these medical problems, and seriously, just fuck my life. Fuck it.
I'm sorry. I just have a whole bunch of bitterness.
And, you know, I called that suicide prevention hotline a few weeks ago, and, damn, they weren't any help at all. Literally useless.
Fuck everything.
I'm sorry for dumping all this out here. I did it in the Mental Health thread last time. So, I'm sorry to all of you. And I'm sorry for anything I said that was rude or insulting or inappropriate. I'm sorry.
I'm just so fucking done with even trying at anything anymore. Fuck my life.
TheAbsolution
Member
Hey, I thought you were going back to school.
That's a path right there. Even if it is more debt, there is a way out. And there always will be. No matter what.
I know it sounds absolutely impossible right now but you must look forward.
And no, you weren't rude. I understand where you're coming from.
Well, Cheshire at the moment, but calling that the North doesn't feel quite right, you know? I still pay £3.50 for a pint. I grew up in the proper Midlands though.
I have no idea how to say anything remotely helpful, but I'm really sorry you feel like that man. I'd totally give you a hug but this is the internet.
Prototype Viktor
Member
you losers with PS4's I have something running
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?p=170834690#post170834690
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?p=170834690#post170834690
terrisus
Member
Yeah, I am. Or, well, I'm trying to. I made it through one term after a whole bunch of stress. The next term I fell way behind, and ended up withdrawing. Thankfully I'm getting them to let me re-take it with them covering the cost due to an issue where part of my disability plan wasn't met (never had a disability plan before, but goodness knows I have all sorts of issues now, so every little bit helps).
But, I mean, I feel like everything's actively working against me. Seriously, do you guys know what it's like to literally never get a second's peace? Just a few moments where you can actually close your eyes, relax, and then do something, without worrying about being yelled at, or having to do something, or trying to remember all the things you were supposed to be doing, or getting yelled at for things you didn't even know you were supposed to be doing?
Seriously, I just never feel like I have a moment's peace. Even when my wife's at work, she wanted to get a dog last year, so we have a year-old yellow lab. And, yeah, the thing's cute, but it's crazy and never leaves you alone. And even though we got her a crate a couple of weeks ago (finally) she'll just bark the entire time she's in there, and I'm convinced that eventually she's just going to chew right through the bars. Of course, by the time my wife gets home, she's gotten out most of her energy, so she doesn't feel like it's much of an issue. But, heck, I didn't want a dog, I'm happy with cats.
That's all kind of a tangent, though. The main thing is, I'm always doing things wrong. Seriously, she was trying to reorganize in the other room and was having some issues moving stuff. I went in, asked if she needed help. She says no. I go away. A bit later I hear she's still having issues. I ask if she needed help. She says no. Then she starts in on me about me saying I would clean the cat litter, and I hadn't. So I ask if she wants me to do that. She says no. I start to walk away. She starts yelling at me that I'm not doing anything. So I go back, ask if she wants me to clean the cat litter again. She tells me no again. At that point, I've pretty much just had it. So I go in and get the bin of cat litter, dump it into the trash outside, and bring it back in to fill it. And she's yelling at me that I shouldn't have done it then, and then yells at me about not helping her move stuff - which I asked twice if she wanted me to do.
When I was younger, I figured if I could actually find someone who would be with me and stay with me, that I could make things work. But, fuck, I can't make this work. But I don't have any other choice. I have too many medical issues, I can't just "be on my own." But I literally can't take this anymore. I can't deal with this. Heck, if it weren't for my cats, I would probably just wander off and go die in a gutter somewhere.
I'm just so absolutely sick of all of this. I can't do this. But I don't even have the option of "not doing this." No matter what I do, I get yelled at for it. I can't win. I can't even draw or withdraw. All I can do is lose. In the longest, most drawn-out and painful way possible.
Fuck my life.
Sorry.
I could really use a hug.
And one where I'm not getting yelled at during it or told things that I'm doing wrong during it.
Dude, this sounds like crazy rough. Is there seriously no possible way to divorce and bail out at all?
I have a tendency to criticise hug technique when I feel it's inadequate, but I wouldn't yell. Just gently admonish later.
VICTORsaurio
Member
Since I don't post here regularly, I might as well:
Your gender? Male
Your sexual orientation? Gay
Where Are You From? Maracaibo, Venezuela
Where Do You Live? Mexico, DF
How Old Are you? 28 (I turn 29 in a week!!!)Favorite Type of Music? Taylor Swift,I mean, pop.Gay death is imminent!
Profession or Career interest? Graphic Designer, Motion Graphics
Favorite video game(s)? Mario, Zelda, Mario Kart, Uncharted, The Last of Us.
What are your hobbies (other than gaming)? Movies, Music, Concerts, Sleeping, Eating, Cooking.
terrisus
Member
Oh, it's not yelling about "hug technique" so much, as a "Why do I have to give you what you want, when I never get what I want? And I have to do everything around here, and never have any time to myself, and you don't understand, etc. etc." as if I just sit around relaxing all day or something.
And, heck, I don't even know. As I said, it's not like I can just be on my own at this point. And no one would ever want someone with all of my issues.
And, heck, I don't even know. As I said, it's not like I can just be on my own at this point. And no one would ever want someone with all of my issues.
terrisus
Member
P.S. As for why I'm dumping all of this here, two useful take-aways for others:
1) Two people with significantly different sex drives is a very difficult thing to make work. We're literally on exact opposite ends of that spectrum.
2) Don't just try to find "someone." You'll find someone. You'll find plenty of someones. It will take longer than you want. But it will be worth it. And the alternative isn't.
1) Two people with significantly different sex drives is a very difficult thing to make work. We're literally on exact opposite ends of that spectrum.
2) Don't just try to find "someone." You'll find someone. You'll find plenty of someones. It will take longer than you want. But it will be worth it. And the alternative isn't.
TheAbsolution
Member
He probably doesn't make enough with disability and all that to live by himself. If heading have any debt, maybe, but he dmhas a shit ton.
terrisus
Member
I could probably manage that. Going to be filing for bankruptcy anyway.
The main issue is all the medical appointments I need to go to everywhere, and all of the medical issues to deal with and everything.
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
Your gender? Male
Your sexual orientation? Gay
Where Are You From? Born in Florida, but I'm a military brat so I'm really from nowhere.
Where Do You Live? Seattle, WA
How Old Are you? 24 too!Just turned 24 yesterday
Favorite Type of Music? Pop
Profession or Career interest? Retail management
Favorite video game(s)? Bayonetta, Fez, Portal 2, Banjo Kazooie/Tooie
What are your hobbies (other than gaming)? I like to read, but I've been too lazy to read lately. Just got into working out two months ago and it's slowly but surely becoming addicting.
Welcome!
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
It's okay, feel free to vent!
terrisus
Member
I think one of the things that frustrates me most, is that you see so many guys complaining that their wives don't want to have sex, and would rather just cuddle, and it's like, why the heck can't that be what I have instead?
Sure, it wouldn't solve all my problems, or even most of them. But it's one of the situations where the difference between what I have and what I wanted is most unnecessarily significant.
Sure, it wouldn't solve all my problems, or even most of them. But it's one of the situations where the difference between what I have and what I wanted is most unnecessarily significant.
Is it sidetracking if you're an Asexual or Greysexual having relationship problems due at least in part to your sexual minority status? Seems sort of on topic.
terrisus
Member
I know, I just feel like I'm doing far more complaining, and about far more stuff, here than is warranted given my situation.
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
It can be though!
terrisus
Member
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
In real life too though.
I'm really in a downer mood right now but I read that as Garysexual and had to chuckle.
Oh, thanks for reminding me. That's a series I'd watch whenever I get Netflix for myself.
Everyone's Garysexual.
terrisus
Member
So you think I would find a way to manage it before either being murdered or dying in a gutter? >.>
Oh, thanks for reminding me. That's a series I'd watch whenever I get Netflix for myself.
Everyone's Garysexual.
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
I believe in you!
Don't be silly, one doesn't choose what one doesn't want.
I'm young and inexperienced and have still managed to make mistakes so I know it's a bit arrogant of me to say this, but could you be suffering a bit from the sunken cost fallacy? I have lost 3 years of higher education which in the grand scheme doesn't mean much, but it still has a big effect on me which I imagine is much worse for you. Same with the marriage if you really feel like it. I would also call the hotline again hoping to have someone more competent on the line or looking for one which is more specialized, though I know that can be much harder than it should.
IBQ:
Your gender?
Cis male
Your sexual orientation?
Quite Gay
Where Are You From?
Vesterålen, Norway
Where Do You Live?
Tromsø, Norway
How Old Are you?
21
Favorite Type of Music?
Everything I thought, but (almost) everything was trance
Profession or Career interest?
Right now I work in a pizza chain and am leaning against IT education
Favorite video game(s)?
Starcraft, Metroid, Visual Novels like PhWr and DanRon, Simulator stuff like KSP and ETC2
What are your hobbies (other than gaming)?
I really like learning stuff so... browsing the web...
I'm trying to learn Latin though. Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo (NSFW meaning)
Didn't you propose to your wife after a few weeks or something? I know you've explained this before but I'm wondering if the sex was an issue from the beginning. Or did you try and have sex before you realized you just couldn't stand it?
terrisus
Member
Well, willingly made decisions that led to much of the situation that I'm in, anyway.
Don't worry. I know my previous posts came across as a bit judgmental/critical from bitterness, and I know I do often come across that way, but I'm really not that sort of person.
There were a couple of significant points along my time in college - specifically, 2004 (when I transferred from a community college to a university, and continued on the path I was on), 2007 (when I started my Master's, and continued on the path that I was on), and 2010 (when I started on my PhD - also on that same path) - when I made some bad decisions for precisely that reason. I figured I had put so much time into things already, that I "shouldn't let it go to waste, and just go along with things."
I'm trying to correct that by going down the IT path now, but, not making those decisions at those times are some of my biggest regrets.
Yeah, I could write a similar sort of reply to this as my previous paragraph above >.>
I know I should... I'm just not looking forward to having to repeat everything again. Wish they could just keep a file on me >.>
I'm trying to learn Latin though. Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo (NSFW meaning)
To end on a positive note - taking Latin back in 8th and 9th grade (which would be 1996-1997 for me) was fun.
If you want some NSFW stuff, I highly recommend checking out Latin for Even More Occasions (and, I would imagine, Latin for All Occasions as well, but I only had the former)
terrisus
Member
Yeah.
I pretty much would only date someone if they were at least willing to seriously consider marriage.
Which, needless to say, in my teens significantly limited my dating pool.
Although, we were together for 5 and a half years before we got married.
Well, one of my other things was that I didn't want to have sex until I was married (another thing that significantly limited my dating pool, needless to say).
She had before, but was willing to wait with me, so I figured that was good.
It wasn't so much a "realization that I couldn't stand it," as a "building up over time of several negative aspects around it/associations with it/it just overall being a very unpleasant experience"
Also, just to answer what is probably a fairly obvious follow-up question - no, I never had any issues with abuse or anything like that, nor anyone else trying to impose these sorts of decisions on me. These are all just more bad decisions that I've made in my life.
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
It's not too late to change things around Terri.
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
Necromanti
Member
You definitely do now, though, from what you've described. It sounds like your wife is being verbally and emotionally abusive (whether she intends to or not), and that's not a good environment to be stuck in. It only reinforces your already low feelings of self-worth and makes it harder for you to envision a different future for yourself. Eventually, you will have to address that, no matter how hard it may be, but on your own terms.
Hindsight is 20/20 for the decisions you've made in the past, as well. Some of them may have been mistakes. But there will always be alternative paths for you to take; they may not be better or worse, and simply be different. I'm sure the majority of people don't end up where they expected to several years down the line. What's important is that you're still alive so you can still make steps towards a new life for yourself. Change is never easy and almost always requires you to fight with it a little, but it is not too late. You don't need to wait for your death for things to get better because you deserve more than you think you do. Let mistakes and any regret remain a quiet memory of the past or they will continue haunting you in the present. (Easier said than done, obviously. But suicide hotlines and mental health professionals are a good idea. Maybe write up everything you feel so it doesn't feel like such a chore to reiterate it out of the ether every damn time.)
terrisus
Member
Try to fix the other parts too though. I know you can do it.
You have far more confidence in me than I do.
And I'm afraid that it's likely misplaced.
You pretty much hit the nail on the head.
And, I'm sorry I'm not being as open with you all as would be helpful. It's probably an easy guess why.
But that's the path of least resistance... >.>
Sadly, I don't even get the little that I do think I deserve >.>
And, yeah, that's pretty much what happens.
We had/have (not as often lately) been seeing a therapist, but it usually ends up being essentially marriage counseling/her going over all the things I'm doing wrong >.>
I should just start going on my own as well...
That's probably a good idea too.
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
terrisus
Member
Oh, I definitely agree on that, I can definitely see why it would be very frustrating for her, and why it's directly responsible for many of the issues.
I'm on mobile (and it's bedtime) so I won't quote everything.
Sounds like a fun book. I've gone through a lot of churches filled with Latin (which I'm unable to parse, I can't even finish hic, haec, hoc -_-) and it is funny in hindsight to know how much sinful stuff has been written in that seemingly holy language. I also wanted to learn it because it just looks cool and still does in those churches.
Regarding choices I know that you made all of those small ones willingly, but not the big one they resulted in.
I have an odd view on regret. I obviously feel it, but I also don't believe in free will which is strangely soothing.
Regarding the hotline, that just sucks. I was simply thinking of the friction for having a bad experience, but also having to list it again sounds bad. The next person might be better at going through it. I went to two different for counseling (my doctor and a school councilor) and the latter I went to was a lot more understanding. That helped a lot even though I didn't get nuch closer to a solution.
I can also be quite arrogant in real life and internet me is less filtered. I still need to tell myself the people I'm replying to aren't stupid -_-
Your gender? Male
Your sexual orientation? Straight / Bi-Questioning
Where Are You From? Atlanta, GA
Where Do You Live? Atlanta, GA
How Old Are you? 30
Favorite Type of Music? Top 40
Profession or Career interest? I'm a special type of Engineer
Favorite video game(s)? Assassin's Creed, Halo,
,
, The New Batman Series
What are your hobbies (other than gaming)? Hanging out with friends, Golfing, Drinking, Playing with my dog.
Your sexual orientation? Straight / Bi-Questioning
Where Are You From? Atlanta, GA
Where Do You Live? Atlanta, GA
How Old Are you? 30
Favorite Type of Music? Top 40
Profession or Career interest? I'm a special type of Engineer
Favorite video game(s)? Assassin's Creed, Halo,
Heroes of the Storm
TESO
What are your hobbies (other than gaming)? Hanging out with friends, Golfing, Drinking, Playing with my dog.
terrisus
Member
Funny story (which I'm sure I've shared on GAF before), but, after I got that book (Latin for Even More Occasions), I ended up writing a semi-erotic story involving the characters from our 8th grade Latin book (Ecce Romani) and giving it to my teacher (who was probably in her 70s). She was very impressed by it, and gave me extra credit points for it.
I know... And you're right, of course...
That helps somewhat, I guess...
I still view it all as being mostly my fault/having no one to blame but myself, though...
Yeah, I know I need to just start trying some different things, as opposed to just moping around all the time, essentially just waiting to die.
I still feel bad cluttering the thread up with all of this, when probably the Mental Health thread is a better place for it. Although I've gotten a whole bunch of really great feedback here, and I really appreciate it. I just feel bad taking up so much of the thread, which I know had been a bit of an issue in one of the threads before too... I'm sorry...
Addendum:
I've posted on GAF from some pretty interesting places >.>
terrisus
Member
Shenanigans. Even at GMT-10, it's still afternoon for you :þ
(Just playing, of course <3)
Henchmen21
Banned
Cool. Any ones in particular? I'm fond of the Sierra games late 80s/early 90s (KQ/SQ/LSL etc)
RatskyWatsky
Hunky Nostradamus
Hm?
Welcome!
It's not like the thread is being used for anything else at the moment
One of us! One of us!
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