Part 1 for the lazy
It's WrestleMania V! Part 2!
Piper’s Pit! WrestleMania edition! Fink intros a person who pulls no punches and does things his way. Oh wait, it’s Piper. Oh wait, it’s actually Brother Love. With a kilt on. AHHHHHHHH LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! Fuuuuuuuuck. “As my special guest… I have a very special guest!” He introduces Brother Rodney Piper. He impersonates Roddy being a big Brother Love fan. He’s playing both characters. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck. Some generic music hits and it’s… Morton Downey Jr. “He’s always smoking that weed!” It’s a normal cig, I think, but what do I know. “Lemme tell you, any man who wears a skirt, I don’t want to love me!” He then calls Brother Love fat. Then Fink introduces the real Roddy Piper. And it’s actually him this time. A fan yells to pull Love’s skirt off. Downey takes a sock off and throws it at the crowd. Piper looks at Love’s “childbearing hips.” “You got dem Bette Davis knees there, son!” What. He’s trolling Brother Love. He holds up the mic only to take it away really quick. Love claims Piper can’t scare him and Piper causes him to jump. Piper claims Love can’t fight, cuz he’s a lover not a fighter. This is bad. The third guy starts throwing joints at them. Who the fuck even is he? Why’s he there? This has gone ten minutes. Piper has shit to work with, and I think he’s forgetting his lines. He’s taking a bunch of pauses. They’re just trading shitty jokes at each other. One fan yells “THIS IS STUPID.” Yeah. Piper references his kilt, and Downey replies by spelling out KILLED. Jesus. Piper points out what a shitty fuckin’ joke that is, and then Downey makes a transvestite joke because of Piper’s skirt and long hair. Downey explains ZIP IT. Piper is getting fed up with all the smoke. Did I miss when Brother Love left? He’s gone now. Why was he there to begin with? Why is anything here happening? Piper asks Downey to give him a smoke, and when his back is turned, Piper pulls out a fire extinguisher from under the chair and sprays Downey with it, which, as you know, incapacitates you. That was shitty filler. Over 15 minutes long. Longer than the tag title match. Actually, no. that was longer than ALL OF THE MATCHES so far. I guess it was just to put over how cool Piper was.
Sneak peek of No Hold’s Barred. This movie looks ridiculous as hell. I gotta watch it some time. It’s set to White Wedding, I believe. Well, it was before it turned into something else.
1989 Josh Matthews interviews Donald Trump. It’s a great honored that he hosted. It’s an unbelievable event. Everyone is enjoying themselves. He accidentally calls him Donald Day Trump and corrects “speak” to “week” (he was right the first time). Dude was nervous.
Back to commentary. HOW DARE YOU ENTER MY DOMAIN, HOGAN. Jesse is suddenly SUPER PISSED that Hogan is entering Hollywood. He says that Hogan is entering his territory because AFTER SAVAGE BEATS HIM, HE WON’T HAVE A JOB! IF HE WANTS A JOB IN HOLLYWOOD, HE CAN DRIVE MY LIMO. He storms off before quickly returning.
Recap of the Mega Powers from the beginning of Savage’s reign. Savage wiped out Elizabeth when he got thrown out of the ring. Hogan leaves Savage behind to take away Elizabeth. Savage refuses to tag in Hogan and abandons him! Shades of Rick Martel!
Mean Gene is with Hogan. YOU’RE EXACTLY RIGHT MEAN GENE. They were the best of friends a year ago! But he should’ve saw it coming! The mania was ahead of the madness, man! You were in or you were out! you either believed or you didn’t! you were either ready or you weren’t! But macho made me feel that he believed in the 3 demandments! Wait, what. Oh, prayers, training, vitamins. I forgot. He went so far to put Elizabeth between us! MACHO MAN WAS THE JEALOUS ONE! He was jealous of Hulkamania! He’s namedropping Donald Trump now. Ah, because he doesn’t want the arena to be destroyed by the Mega Powers Explosion, I think. WHATCHA GONNA DO…
Andre the Giant (w/ Bobby Heenan) vs. Jake “The Snake” Roberts (Special Guest Referee – Big John Studd)
Huh, this could be pretty cool. Andre immediately attacks Jake, and slams him into an exposed turnbuckle. Stud hasn’t noticed the lack of turnbuckle. Jake fights out of a hold and goes for Damian, but Andre grabs him again. Jake’s shots aren’t working. He takes a swing at air and gets nothing. Andre leans back into Jake into the corner. Jake is getting squashed over here. Jake gets in some offense and it’s working! Andre gets hooked in the ropes and Jake chokes him a bit. Jake teases Damian. Andre gets back into control. Headbutt to the back. Andre isn’t much good at this point, but dude’s size tells a big enough story. Jake can’t take him in a fight, but with Damian, he can. I guess Jake got a knee in, because Andre is hurt. Jake gets knocked outside. Studd argues with Andre, allowing Jake to get Damian. Studd doesn’t let jake back in, but Andre attacks Studd, who retaliates. Jakes goes for Damian, but he gets attacked by Ted DiBiase! Jake runs him down and takes Damian back as Andre beats up Studd. Damian is unbagged! Andre books it out of there. Jake wins by DQ.
Sean Mooney is in the cheap seats with a big Jake the Snake fan. Shiavone is in the back with Sensational Sherri. She calls out Rockin’ Robin. Sherri says she can’t sing any better than she can wrestle. She proceeds to call out Elizabeth, saying it’s too bad that her little Mega Powers are exploding.
The Hart Foundation vs. Greg “The Hammer” Valentine and The Honky Tonk Man
Disliking Greg Valentine for no reason seems to be a running thing in these reviews because I don’t like him either. And I don’t think I’ve ever seen him wrestle. Honky and Bret start out. Bridge pin by Bret, followed by some atomic drops. Hammer is tagged in to get atomic dropped. Slingshot shoulder block from Anvil. Anvil… bites him? Gorilla says that he just laughed in his face, but c’mon Gorilla. Actually, no, he may have just laughed. Backbreaker by Bret, but he misses the elbow. Hammer gets in some elbow drops. Maybe it’s because he’s ugly. Double team to Bret. He looks like an old toothless southern lady. And he has a godawful case of Wrestler Hair. HTM hits Shake, Rattle and Roll on Bret, but he tags in Hammer. He goes for a sub, but Bret counters. Gutbuster to Bret. Bret gets in a crossbody but gets double teamed yet again. Anvil gets tagged in and goes in hard on HTM and Hammer. Dropkicks to them. Anvil no sells a headbutt drop and tags Bret, giving HTM the elbow. Nice suplex from Bret, but Hammer gets the save. Anvil chases Jimmy Hart and takes the megaphone. He tosses it to Bret and hits HTM with it, giving them the win. What the fuck, they straight up cheated. I guess it was against The fucking Honky Tonk Man and the worst looking person in the world, but I thought they were grade A good guys. And the megaphone to the shoulder was an INSTANT KILL SHOT. Another case of a good match ending before it hits that third gear.
Rick Rude vs. The Ultimate Warrior WWF Intercontinental Championship
Camera cuts to a woman in the audience – “oh yeah, she definitely wants her hands on that man. She’s looking for a Rude Awakening!” Damn, I'm really enjoying Rude's theme. Rude demands that the crowd keep silent while he takes his robe off so the ladies can get a good look at the sexiest man alive. The Intercontinental Title is printed on the front of his tights, holy shit. Warrior enters at full speed and is so damn over. Dat charisma, man. He doesn’t get hyped. He STAYS hyped! Warrior attacks Rude right away throws him into the corner multiple times. Irish whips. I just realized Warrior is on the back of Rude’s tights. His face is on his ass. Bearhug. Eyepoke to escape. Missile dropkick can’t keep Warrior down, who immediately gets back into control. Bearhug again. Heenan has something in his pocket. Weasel chants break out. ref grabs rude’s hand as he was gonna eyepoke. Warrior is biting Rude’s face off! Why’s everyone biting now?! standing slash gets him knees. Rude piledrives Warrior. Rude tries to swivel his hips, but he’s too hurt. "Can you imagine all the broken hearts that happened right there?" Russian leg sweep to Warrior gets a 2. Warrior gets to the ropes and shakes Rude loose. Shoulder tackle. Facebuster. Another facebuster. He lifts Rude and… I believe he almost dropped him and the momentum carried him to the corner. Gorilla had to justify it, so I think it was a botch. Warrior hits the corner. Rude goes for Rude Awakening, but Warrior powers out! Rude tries to get out, but Warrior gets him back. clothesline to Rude outside. Warrior goes for the suplex, but Heenan grabs the leg! Rude falls on Warrior and gets 3! New IC Champ! Rude gets the fuck out while Warrior goes after Heenan and press slams him. This is actually justified, though it looked like Brain just kinda fell off. Good match, even if Warrior isn’t a great wrestler or anything, it was entertaining and had good storytelling.
Bad News Brown vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan
I’M AFRAID I’VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS. Neither dude has entrance music. BNB immediately attacks Hacksaw. Hacksaw sends Bad News to the outside. Hacksaw shakes the ropes, which was momentous enough to bring Bad News back in. Hacksaw will not stop yelling HOOOOOOOOO. It’s how he musters up energy and FIGHTING SPIRIT. It makes sense. He yells to the ref to get off his ass. They go brawl back in forth. Bad News misses the Ghetto Blaster and dives over Hacksaw. He gets sent out with a clothesline and goes for a chair. Hacksaw gets his 2x4 and they trade shots. Hacksaw gets the upper hand with an atomic drop and hits Bad News with the 2x4. Bad News is upset and leaves. Hacksaw has snot on his nose. God, fuck Hacksaw. Both are DQ’d. Nothing match, nothing finish.
Mean Gene is in the back with the Red Rooster. Oh god. Look at this goober. He has red rooster spikes in his hair. “I’m gonna meet the teacher and I’m gonna teach him something he never taught me, and that’s how to lose!” heh. His catchphrase is a rooster caw. Geez, this guy.
Bobby Heenan (w/ Brooklyn Brawler) vs. The Red Rooster
Brawler wasn’t supposed to be there. Brain has a one strap singlet. Rooster goes to town on Heenan and pins him after Heenan runs into the steel post. Brawler beats up Rooster after the match. They escape. It was a nothing match but at least it was over quick. It wasn’t an awkward 10 minutes of Rooster pouring catchup on Heenan or something.
Mean Gene is in the back with Elizabeth. She’ll continue to support both men. She hopes neither man will be seriously injured.
Shiavone is in the dressing room, where there is no one, because they’re all at the arena to watch the Mega Powers explode.
Macho Man Randy Savage vs. Hulk Hogan WWF Championship
They’ve hyped this pretty good, even if all I know is that, according to GAF, Hogan had JEALOUS EYES. The evidence supports that. this is gonna be at least 20 minutes long, making it the only one longer than the Piper’s Pit segment. Elizabeth gets a separate entrance. Jesse calls her a gold digger, claiming she’ll go with whoever wins. Gorilla – “Sounds pretty smart to me!” Gorilla justifies Hogan’s jealous eyes. Macho leaves the ring. Savage tried posing, but gets booed. Hogan powers out Savage. Fans are totally behind Hogan. Savage leaves the ring to recollect. Gets back, locks in a headlock, bails again. Hogan chases him and Savage uses Liz as a shield! They lock up back in the ring. Savage pokes HH in the eye, double axe handle. Hogan tries to power out of an armbar, but Savage locks him back down. HH is back on his feet, but Savage pulls the hair. HH pulls Savage by the tights! It’s justified by the hair pulling ya see. He then drags Savage by his hair into the corner. Then he raked the eyes with the boot. The hell, Hogan’s a dick! Hogan’s bleeding. Hogan is reaching for the hair as he’s in a headlock. Fuck outta here, HH. He hulks out and shoulder tackles Savage. Atomic drop. Savage rolls Hulk up with the tights, but he kicks out. Savage starts working the eye. Savage slaps Hogan and is distracted by the ref while Hogan Hulks out and sends Savage into the corner. Head slam, then punches. Clothesline, but then Hulk sells the arm. HH dumps Savage to the outside. Liz tries to help, but Savage wants none of it. Savage works the eye more. Hogan turns it around. Hogan picks up Savage and orders Liz out of the way, but she won’t move. Savage gets out and drops Hulk. She tries helping HH, but Savage gets out and starts pushing her away. The ref orders Liz out. Savage goes up top and double axe handles Hulk into the rail throatfirst. Savage starts working the throat, tossing him into the ropes. Leapfrog body guillotine to Hogan. Slam to Hogan, followed up by a knee drop. Savage uses his wrist tape to strangle Hogan. That should probably be a DQ or something, and Hulk should probably be dead. Savage chokes him out more. Savage goes up for the elbow. Fuck, I know how this is gonna go. Elbow connects. Hogan kicks out. and it was barely a 2 count. Goddamn. Savage punches him some more and Hogan Hulks Up. Hogan delivers some right hands and a big boot. Leg drop! New champ! Fuck, Savage DOMINATED that whole match, working the EYE AND NECK and then got downed in like 3 moves. And that was after Hogan kicked out of the elbow drop. Like in 1.5 seconds. Dat TOP BABYFACE POWER.
All in all, pretty decent show. So, so many fucking matches though. 14 i believe, is how many. So none of them were really that long, and that hurt some of them imo. Savage/Hogan was the only to go over ten minutes (though Ted/Beefcake barely cracked it too). Some of them didn't need to be that long (Rougeaus/Bushwackers, Ted/Beefcake) either. The matches with the Hart Foundation, The Rockers, and the Brain Busters were both pretty good, Rude/Warrior was a lot of fun, and the main event at least felt really important. Perfect/Blazer, Dino/Garvin, and BnB/Hacksaw were all practically Raw midcard matches. Commentary was also a lotta fun. Gorilla shilled for faces even when Jesse was right, but they have amazing chemistry.
dece' mania. doesn't make for a great review because it's so middle-of-the-road and average, rather than awesome/awful. i don't know how stro does it though, because i'm ready to not review another show for a good long while. maybe it was just because of this particular Mania.