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Married GAFers- Engagement question

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Mr. E. Yis

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Before asking her to get married, did any of you ask permission from the father? If so, how did you say it? Do people still do this, or is it considered old fashioned?
 
I asked for his approval, and he said, "Well, let's go ask the boss." And he walked over and asked his wife. In front of my then-girlfriend.
 
I'll be doing it out of respect, but it's all assumed anyways as we share a child and live together already....in SIN!!!!!
 
I'm not doing it yet, just thinking about doing it in the next year or two. I'm sure she's already waiting. :) What's cool is that her dad is pretty laidback and easy going.
 
Cauliflower of Love said:
Don't ask for permission, ask for approval, and do it regardless of answer.
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This is the correct answer. Somebody send this man (or Cauliflower) a cookie.
 
My cousin's fiancee asked my uncle for approval a week before he asked my cousin to marry him (about three weeks ago). My uncle is pretty laid back (for a Portuguese man) but asking him first made him respect my cousin's fiancee even more than he already did.
 
I was "lucky" in that my wife's Dad left their family flat back when she was 7 or so. She hasn't seen him since. Check that--she saw him at her sister's funeral. Her sister was 16 at the time and killed by a stray bullet during a botched robbery in Bushwick, Brooklyn. Good ole Dad came back to pay last respects. How fucking noble.

Anyway, back on topic: don't ask for shit. As a Dad myself, I can tell you that you'll never be good enough for his daughter. :)
 
This is what you do FIRST YOU ASK HER! then you you tell her not to tell anyone cause you wanna ask her father.


Asking the father will really show alot of respect trust me.
 
This isn't a common practice in America anymore.

That said, if your girl isn't the feminist type and has a good relationship with her parents you should ask for her parents blessing before asking her to marry you.

I wish you all the best.
 
Fuzzy said:
My cousin's fiancee asked my uncle for approval a week before he asked my cousin to marry him (about three weeks ago). My uncle is pretty laid back (for a Portuguese man) but asking him first made him respect my cousin's fiancee even more than he already did.
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Yes, both my family and her family are Portuguese also, so I think it would be nice to ask first. She also has a good relationship with her parents since they're super cool. I'm just thinking about how to bring it up.

<sips beer>"Yo pops, I wanna marry your little girl. Cool with you?"<burb> :D
 
Uh, unless you're under 18 or she is, why would you? You are a man, you know. And it's kind of an insulting question too. Why should her parents have any sort of say in whether you get married or not? If they say no, will you cancel it? :lol

I didn't ask my wife's dad. I can only imagine his response. "Uh... what? Sure, but... why are you asking me for?"
 
Dsal said:
Uh, unless you're under 18 or she is, why would you? You are a man, you know. And it's kind of an insulting question too. Why should her parents have any sort of say in whether you get married or not? If they say no, will you cancel it? :lol

I didn't ask my wife's dad. I can only imagine his response. "Uh... what? Sure, but... why are you asking me for?"
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You don't understand his (and my) culture at all. My brother (32 at the time) didn't ask his father-in-law first and he was insulted and so was my sister-in-law (26 at the time). When you want to marry "daddy's little girl" and don't ask for approval/blessings first then you're asking for trouble. When you marry someone like that you're not just marrying her, you're marrying her family also.

BTW both my cousin and her fiancee are 26.
 
Fuzzy said:
You don't understand his (and my) culture at all. My brother (32 at the time) didn't ask his father-in-law first and he was insulted and so was my sister-in-law (26 at the time). When you want to marry "daddy's little girl" and don't ask for approval/blessings first then you're asking for trouble.

BTW both my cousin and her fiancee are 26.
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If it is a big part of the culture there, then it makes sense to do it. But in America it's not a common practice and hasn't been for quite a while.
 
You should ask for the Father's blessing or approval. I believe it's something that's still commonly done in polite society. My wife's Father is deceased, so when I did it of course I asked her Mom. It doesn't have to be a big deal, but I think when you ask it should be its own mini-event, if you will, not mashed in between sports talk. Call him and tell you you'd like to speak with him, go to see him (with or without his wife present, but without your GF), and say "I love your daughter very much. I'm going to ask her to marry me tonight, and I'd like to have your blessing." Or something to that effect. It may be old-fashioned, but so are a lot of things we still do, including marriage. :)
 
I'll reiterate what's been said:

Don't ask for permission, ask for approval. It's just a sign of respect to the old guy, and you don't want to start off your relationship with your wife to be marred by a pissed off father.

I highly doubt any man could look at his daughter's boyfriend / fiance in the face at that point and say "over my dead body". Unless of course you you've beaten the shit out of her or some such.

Good Luck.
 
Just wanted to add that I am kind of surprised at the number of people saying they don't think it's common practice. I googled this and while it seems there are some that say that it isn't as common as it used to be in middle-class America, it is still considered polite. The few wedding etiquette sites I checked all said that you should ask. The obvious exception is if the woman is not close to her family. And obviously, I agree that whatever the answer, you're doing it anyway. :D

And of course, best of luck to you.
 
To me, it's just a very very strange message to send, that you need to get the approval of her dad before you get her approval. Very patronizing to her even if it's mostly ceremonial, especially if she's an adult and already living on her own and all that.
 
She knew I was going to ask eventually, but I asked her parents for their blessing before asking her. It was very awkward and they basically acknowledged that no matter what they said, we would do it anyway... so they just reamed me on things for a hour or so and let me be on my way.
 
It seems like an incredibly archaic and insulting proposition to me. Women are no longer considered property. It's a matter of a loving union now, not buying a wife.

I fail to see how asking for approval is any less demeaning either.
 
DavidDayton said:
As your fiancee what she thinks -- she would know how her father would feel.
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She'll know it's coming soon. That would take away the best part- the surprise of the actual engagement for her. :P You have to make it unexpected.

Thanks everyone for the wishes.
 
I think when I decided to ask my wife to marry me, everyone in the family just kind of expected it. I was close enough to her parents by that point that I knew they approved of me.

And oh yeah. We're both feminists, so I don't think they expected it at all. Hell we both had both of our parents escort us down the aisle. We just work differently I guess. And I know he wasn't hurt at all.
 
I did not ask permission, but it wasn't exactly a secret.

My wife and I went shopping for her engagement ring together. How romantic is that?
 
I think most fathers would love the opportunity to be included in something as exciting as their daughters wedding proposal. I took my father-in-law out for drinks and dinner and it was a really special time for both of us.

It is more about including them and honouring them than getting 'permission'.
 
My Dad wasn't on the scene when my husband came along, but he did ask for approval from my brother. It was really nice, he was so touched. I think it shows respect, and she will like it too. It is not an obligation, but it doesnÂ’t hurt. And hell, if you are planning to spend the rest of your life with her, her family are part of that package. May as well get off to a good start eh?
 
Just married 2 weeks ago.

It depends on the girl and how close she is to her family. We both have very strong family ties, and it meant a great deal to her that I ask her father's permission. Had it not been granted, we would still have married, I'm sure, but there was never any question of that. He seemed to realize that I would end up as family before we were even officially dating.

It is basically a sign of respect to her family, and if she doesn't respect her family may not mean much, and may be a bad idea if there is bad blood, but in a healthy family relationship it can mean a great deal to the girl and can help forge good ties with the in-laws.

There was never any question in my mind about asking my wife's father, and I got her mother to help me set it up, then I met them both during a day that I was supposedly working. I almost got caught because she called me just after I had lunch with her parents and asked her dad for her hand.

Now she knew I was going to at some point, she just didn't know when. We had been discussing marriage for months already, and we joked about how I was surreptitiously attempting to discover her ring size, which I achieved with help from her mother and her brother's family.
 
nike.jpg



I always thought it was preparing the father to foot the bill for the wedding.
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:lol :lol :lol
 
Nobody get married expecting to get divorced (well, almost nobody anyways), and getting married means you "get" your spouse's family too. So you'll have to live with your father-in-law for the foreseeable future. You're going to be tapping his little girls ass, humor him, it'll help your relationship with him. Of course the tradition is old fashioned, archaic, ackward, and slightly demeaning, that's because 95% of fathers are.
 
As far as asking for permission/approval. I didn't.

My now wife (2nd yr anni was yesterday.yay) is so close to here family that if I even muttered a slim chance that I was going to ask her it would gotten back to her. The surprise would be gone.

I had it planned out, day picked (was an Xmas a few years ago) and just did it.
 
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