Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.

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I feel like my enemy is me. I'm preventing myself from progressing further to have a better life and to have positiveness. I want to work to make some money, but at the same time I don't want to work. I used to work at Macy's last year, and I had the worst experience that would haunt me to this day. I understand that making mistakes are part of the learning process. Once we make mistakes, we learn from them, and never to do it again. However, for me, I never learn. Mistakes happen in different form, and I make them. I've dealt with a customer who tried to make a fool of me by adding tag that doesn't belong to the product. I didn't catch that till an employee caught her because it happened to her too and she caught her doing it. I was stupid because she almost got away with it. This happened twice and I'm not proud of it. I could've got fired because of that. Same goes for the guy who gave me that attitude when I told him to hold on since he wants an exact change. At that time, I was trying to regain my thoughts and he told me that I need to know math which I did. I took calculus II for God sakes and barely passed. These are the reasons, I believe, of why I'm not looking for any jobs. This type of concept can be said with studying for an exam. Whenever I get bad results, I told myself that I need to buckle down and study for better results. But that doesn't happen. Even if I do study, I don't have the drive to study at my best. Sigh, I'm low on vocabularis and my sentences are crap. My life is never going to get better, I will never have a better tomorrow, my future will suck. I'm the main problem in all of this.
 
As an update from my last post: I've gotten imaging done, had a thorough checkup, seen a neurologist, seen a new psychiatrist and another psychologist, and the general consensus is veering toward revisiting my original bipolar I diagnosis and considering early schizophrenia, which might make more sense considering how quick I cycle and some of the things I've experienced, my social patterns and my pretty anal journaling. This is pretty frightening and exhausting, and I haven't gone to work in a week and I've been drinking heavy just about every single day. I'm not sure what I buy and what I don't buy, but there are certainly things about and in my life that are far from normal, but full on crazy is hard to agree with. The past few weeks have been as lousy as anything and the next couple aren't looking too rosy either.
 
Thanks to the people who showed interest in my story, I hereby promise to write it all out. As that will take quite a lot of words (and time) it will probably take at least a few days before I have anything even remotely ready.

PMs are welcome in the meantime, although I'm not sure about the practicallity (is that a word?) of chatting due to my euro timezone. Same goes for IRC, but I still might check that out when I have more time.

On a sidenote: reading this thread makes me feel so incredibly grateful for my not being an American. All this talk about insurance standing in the way of sick people and medical attention gives me the creeps. If I had been an American I would probably never have been able to get help for my substance abuse issues. Paying 450 euros a month for rehab is already a lot, but at least I get every cent above 1,800 euros for the year is paid back in full so getting clean doesn't necessarily ruin me. I don't even want to find out what price an American in my situation might be looking at...
 
Foffy said:
That's all fantastic and well, man. I am not familiar with Hermetic views, nor the people you speak of, but I am sure there is some wisdom to it. I am not familiar with mysticism beyond some of the preachings of RuPaul. For a drag queen, I think what he says about how we define ourselves and what we think of one another to have much wisdom, that we are all really more than what we identify with. There is so much to learn about oneself and of the cosmos, it's crazy fun, but it's also to be mindful that some may have answers which may only be snake oil. I think this is a fundamental thing that forces us to not instantly drink the Kool-Aid in life, but think about things and put things into practice. I hope nobody takes what I say about anyone or anything to be taken as absolutes, for one has to play with the dice to get a feel of the game at hand. To quote physicist Thomas Warren Campbell, "Only truth can produce significant consistent results". I'm not sure what I think about his Theory of Everything, though. :P
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One must assume that they're not already drinking "the Kool-Aid" before judging whether or not others may be. For example, Rene Descartes played as large of a role in forming the modern scientific paradigm as Newton did. The dirty little secret about Descartes that the scientific community never wants to discuss or even hear is about the fact that Descartes' idea of matter and the universe came to him in a dream from the mouth of an angel. How many people are aware of this, who quickly cast anything 'weird' that happens as complete bullshit? Very few. The exciting thing about reality and the cosmos is that there is plenty of room for 'weird' things to happen, and plenty of time for us to realize that it's not all bullshit. As Terence McKenna so aptly put it, scientific materialism is no different from Mormonism. Mormonism is just more up front about it's roots.
 
Descartes was Catholic, and no, the scientific community does not hide the fact that many of the prominent scientists, theorist, philosophers, what have you, where religious, as they go by their work not religious affiliations but this isn't the thread for that discussion.
 
ClassyPenguin said:
Descartes was Catholic, and no the scientific community does not hide the fact that many of the prominent scientists where religious, as they go by their work not religious affiliations but this isn't the thread for that discussion.
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Fair enough, I'm only continuing a discussion thread with someone else. Not the place for the discussion so I'll leave out my response as you graciously did.
 
krrrt said:
Thanks to the people who showed interest in my story, I hereby promise to write it all out. As that will take quite a lot of words (and time) it will probably take at least a few days before I have anything even remotely ready.

PMs are welcome in the meantime, although I'm not sure about the practicallity (is that a word?) of chatting due to my euro timezone. Same goes for IRC, but I still might check that out when I have more time.

On a sidenote: reading this thread makes me feel so incredibly grateful for my not being an American. All this talk about insurance standing in the way of sick people and medical attention gives me the creeps. If I had been an American I would probably never have been able to get help for my substance abuse issues. Paying 450 euros a month for rehab is already a lot, but at least I get every cent above 1,800 euros for the year is paid back in full so getting clean doesn't necessarily ruin me. I don't even want to find out what price an American in my situation might be looking at...
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A couple of things. 1) looking forward to hearing your story. 2) the IRC has pretty good global coverage these days and we're all insomniacs anyway, so people are always around.

3) insurance is indeed a mess in America. But it's easy to get the sense that it's not working for anyone. But some people have really really good insurance. We have the choice of three plans, with higher premiums giving better coverage. I'll have to check what we pay to have a family of three on the best plan, but it's a damn good deal. The company exists to give insurance to people who work at the hospital (I think hospitals themselves cannot offer the insurance, so it's a quasi-independent company) so we've never had to deal with any kind of pre-approval crap. Psych care is covered the same as anything else. Generic meds are a flat 5 or 10$ for 3 months. Drug coverage is excellent overall. We can go out of system without any real hassle...

We basically have the kind of insurance rich folks get. So the system works great if you have a ton of money. Moneyed interests are obviously not too keen on seeing it changed. But, yeah, if you don't have much money, the system ain't real great...

I have my complaints even about our excellent insurance, but I wanted to point out that it is possible to get very good care in America. It's just not real real fair...


19 & 21 said:
One must assume that they're not already drinking "the Kool-Aid" before judging whether or not others may be. For example, Rene Descartes played as large of a role in forming the modern scientific paradigm as Newton did. The dirty little secret about Descartes that the scientific community never wants to discuss or even hear is about the fact that Descartes' idea of matter and the universe came to him in a dream from the mouth of an angel. How many people are aware of this, who quickly cast anything 'weird' that happens as complete bullshit? Very few. The exciting thing about reality and the cosmos is that there is plenty of room for 'weird' things to happen, and plenty of time for us to realize that it's not all bullshit. As Terence McKenna so aptly put it, scientific materialism is no different from Mormonism. Mormonism is just more up front about it's roots.
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That's a humorous sentiment - Mormonism and scientific materialism both coming from the mouths of angels. I might actually free write on it, but it bothers me in forum discussions of atheism vs religious faith that the choice is presented as being between complete mysticism and irrationality on one hand and pure unadulterated rationalism on the other. I'm quietly religious and I have better scientific training than a lot of people. And on the other hand, we ALL, even hardcore atheists, believe things that are fundamentally stupid. I'm yet to meet anyone who embraces a purely rational worldview.

Having said that, the difference between scientific materialism and Mormonism is pretty blindingly obvious - where Descartes' views originate from or what Darwin personally thought about evolution later in life or whether Francis Collins prays for his experiments to work - none of it is relevant. Descartes' ideas live or die on their own merit, whether they can be verified through reproducible experiments. The angels don't enter into it. Mormonism, on the other hand, is entirely dependent on the belief that Joseph Smith received the tenants of the belief system directly from angels. It was a one-off thing and verification and reproduction are impossible. It's kind of a big difference.
 
Bagels said:
Having said that, the difference between scientific materialism and Mormonism is pretty blindingly obvious - where Descartes' views originate from or what Darwin personally thought about evolution later in life or whether Francis Collins prays for his experiments to work - none of it is relevant. Descartes' ideas live or die on their own merit, whether they can be verified through reproducible experiments. The angels don't enter into it. Mormonism, on the other hand, is entirely dependent on the belief that Joseph Smith received the tenants of the belief system directly from angels. It was a one-off thing and verification and reproduction are impossible. It's kind of a big difference.
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I just want to make it clear that I'm not implying an us vs them sentiment in what I said. Only that to truly be in a place to decide whether or not someone is buying into bullshit or "drinking the Kool-Aid" one must have no beliefs of their own. Rational and irrational thoughts, ideas and practices are of equal importance in the world. The words "The conquest of nature is to be accomplished through number and measure," came to Descartes in an irrational way. Without them, and without him considering them of importance scientific rationality would be at the very least hundreds of years delayed.

As far as there being a huge difference between Mormonism and Scientific rationality there really is no difference once you accept the foundation of both. One just happened to be easier to apply in a materialistic way. Both came from a place of irrationality, of religious experience. Hell, Newton's theory of gravity would not exist in the form that it does had he not have been a practicing occultist as it was very heavily inspired by occult philosophy. The spark of irrationality is responsible for much of the educational luxuries we have today. How quickly do we shrug irrationality off when it's not comfortable enough to consider?
 
Comparing Joseph Smith to Descartes and Newton? Oh lol.

I still don't get your point. Doesn't matter your beliefs, your brilliance, everyone is quite aware of the irrationality of the human mind and that dreams, visions, conversations could spark an idea. Einstein could have said Relativity came from a wet dream and still wouldn't mean anything.

If your point is that many scientists were religious or had other beliefs, well duh (what else would they be at those time periods, or even today?), the secular world doesn't ignore that. Or that religious scriptures, ceremonies etc can have its beauty and its place in the world as a valid form of human expression and comfort against the unknown.

I really don't buy that you can't be religious and a scientist at the same time.

And again, I really don't think this discussion belongs here. You might want to start a thread.
It's very problematic, as we try to have an open community as much as possible and stuff like this really turns people off from posting and belonging to this community.
 
He's a classy penguin, not a tactful penguin. It's an interesting discussion and, much as I'd like to keep it going, it is perhaps a bit outside the scope of this thread. Which is sad, really.
 
Pardon my misunderstandings I suppose. Fully responding to what I'm saying and then closing your response with 'this isn't the right place' really just fucks with my ability to read between the lines. I wasn't specifically trying to make a point to anything you've said to me, only to reinforce the point I was trying to make to Foffy which you took issue with. I'll say no more here, and as far as making an OT thread about it I'm going to have to pass. Getting pounced on the collective atheist/science hardcores around GAF isn't particularly on my to-do list. Been there, done that. Would be glad to continue in PM if you wish.
 
It's a forum, I am free to respond to any damn post if I feel like it.

Also, it's not really an "atheist & science problem" as it an ignorance and opinion-as-fact problem, which I find problematic in economic and social and science threads on gaf as well.


I do suggest you create a thread, as I am very interested in the discussion.
 
I'm just irritable when running on lack of sleep. Well, fuck, I am irritable most of the time. I'm surprised I'm even tolerated.


Also, I kinda wish people would say what's bothering them instead of "shitty day today" lets get some discussion going.
 
Some times it's difficult to discuss what's going on in their lives in the thread.
Hell I know I can't discuss a lot of my problems in this thread, but that's a problem with myself and the problems at stake.
It can be too personal to share or they're a bit scared to open up in a place like GAF.
Though that doesn't mean that people shouldn't open up though, it is strongly encouraged you open up.
The more you put in, the more you get out of it.

Give it a bit where the person is more comfortable opening up.
It'll happen eventually.

Edit: Also I noticed a trend of people saying their problems aren't as big as everyone else's so they don't post about it. People lurking or just reading this...I don't care if you lost a family member or someone told you you were ugly, if it hurts you and you're suffering because of it, that's a reason in itself it should be discussed and let out. Please don't be afraid and open up.

Also relevant from bagel's OP
Try to suspend judgment about people. You don't know what their actual life circumstances are like, what their experiences are. Not everyone will disclose everything that's going on in their lives for a number of reasons (in fact, very few people disclose even a fraction of what’s going on). Give people the benefit of the doubt and be constructive if you can.
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3 1/2 hours until my audition.

I messed up my hand from practicing too much. I got a blister on my right index finger and it completely prevents me from playing one of the specific pieces.

Edit: Now I've got one on my index finger as well.
 
ClassyPenguin said:
Also, I kinda wish people would say what's bothering them instead of "shitty day today" lets get some discussion going.
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I feel like just curling up and crying today. I am hurting so bad, emotionally. I can't get my mind off of my ex. I try to talk to her and she doesn't care. I see her at work and it reopens the wounds. I felt so unwanted and so unloved in the relationship, so why I pine for her still? All of my feelings were certainly founded.

I've been doing as much as I can moving forward. Staying busy, trying to stay active, but the huge crater she left in my life remains. I don't have the desire to play video games. All of my friends are either too busy, too distant, or too unavailable.

I'll be 32 in a month and a half. I felt like I didn't want to waste any time with the ex. And if she didn't like me, then I needed to know so I could find someone who did. And she never did. She just treated me as an afterthought. And we parted at the same time as my whole friend circle was crumbling.

I didn't go to work today. I am too sad and too avoidant. I never should have tried reaching out to her on Friday, nor trying to talk to her. It went horribly. Hating her would allow me to get over her much easier, but I don't. And I never will.

Since the breakup I've had two opportunities with two other women. I'm too caring and empathetic to bring them into my life, when I am still so hung up. I don't want to hurt people.

I just feel so alone. I used to never have a problem being by myself, but now it hurts so bad and I can't shake it. And no amount of reaching out has helped.
 
DJ Lushious said:
I feel like just curling up and crying today. I am hurting so bad, emotionally. I can't get my mind off of my ex. I try to talk to her and she doesn't care. I see her at work and it reopens the wounds. I felt so unwanted and so unloved in the relationship, so why I pine for her still? All of my feelings were certainly founded.

I've been doing as much as I can moving forward. Staying busy, trying to stay active, but the huge crater she left in my life remains. I don't have the desire to play video games. All of my friends are either too busy, too distant, or too unavailable.

I'll be 32 in a month and a half. I felt like I didn't want to waste any time with the ex. And if she didn't like me, then I needed to know so I could find someone who did. And she never did. She just treated me as an afterthought. And we parted at the same time as my whole friend circle was crumbling.

I didn't go to work today. I am too sad and too avoidant. I never should have tried reaching out to her on Friday, nor trying to talk to her. It went horribly. Hating her would allow me to get over her much easier, but I don't. And I never will.

Since the breakup I've had two opportunities with two other women. I'm too caring and empathetic to bring them into my life, when I am still so hung up. I don't want to hurt people.

I just feel so alone. I used to never have a problem being by myself, but now it hurts so bad and I can't shake it. And no amount of reaching out has helped.
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I was in a pretty similar circumstance ~4 years ago. Incredibly bad breakup that I didn't see coming and it felt like I could win the lottery the next day and everything would be as equally in ruins. The thing is, and what I didn't understand at the time, was that stewing over anything makes your perspective completely suspect. I know you've said you've done all you can to occupy your mind and that's great, continue to do that. Going to work obviously isn't the right way to do this, and given the way of the world right now I'm sure finding a new job isn't in the cards. I'm truly sorry for that circumstance, I recommend looking for a new hobby if at all possible. Something fresh that you can at least be a little excited about. I know it sounds like bullshit right now but who knows? It's worth a shot. Also, I'm around for a few more hours today if you want to shoot the shit. PM me if you like.
 
I was digging around my thrown away paintings and picked up this:

grunt.jpg
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Bah. Once again, my lab mate gets asked to give a talk and my professor doesn't even consider me. Granted, I won't be here on that date (my professor doesn't know that), but it's the principle of the matter.

Perhaps she doesn't want me to embarrass myself her...
 
DJ Lushious said:
I feel like just curling up and crying today. I am hurting so bad, emotionally. I can't get my mind off of my ex. I try to talk to her and she doesn't care. I see her at work and it reopens the wounds. I felt so unwanted and so unloved in the relationship, so why I pine for her still? All of my feelings were certainly founded.

I've been doing as much as I can moving forward. Staying busy, trying to stay active, but the huge crater she left in my life remains. I don't have the desire to play video games. All of my friends are either too busy, too distant, or too unavailable.

I'll be 32 in a month and a half. I felt like I didn't want to waste any time with the ex. And if she didn't like me, then I needed to know so I could find someone who did. And she never did. She just treated me as an afterthought. And we parted at the same time as my whole friend circle was crumbling.

I didn't go to work today. I am too sad and too avoidant. I never should have tried reaching out to her on Friday, nor trying to talk to her. It went horribly. Hating her would allow me to get over her much easier, but I don't. And I never will.

Since the breakup I've had two opportunities with two other women. I'm too caring and empathetic to bring them into my life, when I am still so hung up. I don't want to hurt people.

I just feel so alone. I used to never have a problem being by myself, but now it hurts so bad and I can't shake it. And no amount of reaching out has helped.
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Sadly, hating her won't help you. Trust me. I wish I had no emotional reaction at all, that'd be the best case and would mean I'm over her. Sadly, that's not the case (yet?), and that's despite me having had a new gf for 3 months now. That's a nice distraction too despite making me kinda feel like a prick - to be fair, I've made it abundantly clear I neither want nor can have anything serious right now.
 
Random thought: that feeling when you still have to look at pictures of your ex in the split-second before your finger reaches the delete-key. Makes me want to go into a fucking DOS prompt for this shit.
 
Okay. I think I finally need to post here. I have been lurking this thread for months now (when it wasn't an official thread) and have been contemplating posting here for some time. I am in a bad spot.

I graduated in June with a BS in GIS after being in college for 7 years. Have been looking for jobs ever since with no success at all. One probable reason for this is that I have no experience (not even an internship). Still live at home with my parents but it is really taking its toll on me. My only source of income is doing mturk for a few bucks a day, so I get to hang out with my friends every other week if I am lucky. I only have a few that I hang out with anyway.

My motivation is being slowly sapped with every day that goes by. I have not applied to a job in a couple of weeks, partially because there are few available and partially because I can't push myself to write a cover letter for every job. Most jobs I find are out of state and the thought of leaving and being on my own frightens me so much, especially considering that I have more than $100k in medical and credit card debt. Not to mention $15k in school loans I will have to start paying back in January.

I am good with computers so I have been meaning to apply for IT technician positions but I am not sure if I want to abandon my degree so quickly. Not to mention my lack of experience.

Another problem is that I have severe issues with talking on the telephone. If I get a call from a private number I will just ignore it. For all I know, I could have gotten a call from an employer but missed out on the opportunity because I didn't answer the phone. I've set up a "professional sounding" voicemail but maybe it is not good enough, as I get no voicemails. Most of the calls I get are from debt collectors anyway so I don't really see a point in answering.

I have been sliding further into drug use as well. Not sure if I should mention what drug(s). Nothing too serious but it isn't doing me any favors. This has been going on for a couple of years though so I don't consider it to be too much of a problem, since I have managed before these employment problems started.

My parents are very supportive in general but I don't want to discuss my problems with them. I just don't know what to do anymore. I exercise when possible, I eat somewhat healthy. But I feel like I am in a downward spiral, and the longer I am here the harder it is to get out.

Thank you for reading.
 
Lonely1 said:
Start painting again. You craft is nice!
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I've actually been painting, I just kind of forget to post here about them at times. I usually have them up my steam account and nowadays my FB page. (Which if you click my name and go down to "Oomikami's Homepage" you'll find my art FB page.)
Right now I'm working on two pieces at the moment which are taking a bit of time so I haven't been frequent with painting uploads much.

Hermii said:
I like it. Reminds me of the ocean.
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Thanks!

Samk said:
Black as the road i tread mixed with feelings of dread
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That's a good thought for this, haven't seen it like that.
 
I don't think I'm depressed but I feel like shite whenever I think of the fact that I'm unemployed. I have filled out so many job applications this year and I have had nothing. In fact, a month ago, I applied to 30 jobs. Rejected/didn't hear back from all 30. It's zapped my motivation completely. Over the past month I haven't filled out a single application. I know I shouldn't, but I'm procrastinating pretty badly. I guess I feel even if I apply I'll end up getting rejected. Feels like the degree I completed last year was a complete and utter waste of time and money. I don't have a great deal of experience (except doing some admin/account work for my dad's business for 5 years, but he sold that business recently), and whenever I contact companies for work experience, they decline. Furthermore, for many jobs, they reject me on the basis I lack experience in that specific field. Seems like a catch-22. Heh.

Not sure why I'm writing this to be honest. I guess I need to stop making excuses and start applying. But I don't know what to do anymore. There was a stage where I filled out a minimum of 2/3 applications a week. Now? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I've been unemployed for a good 7/8 months now. It probably doesn't help that I only have one reference (my university tutor). I doubt working for my dad's business will count as a reference. Almost every job that I have applied to specifically asks for 2 references.
 
Ogs said:
My mind constantly feels preoccupied ... But I don't know what with. Is this a sign of depression ?
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It can be a sign of anxiety. Or something more. Do you feel like you have racing thoughts? Do you feel low a lot? Anything else that you might consider out of the norm?
 
Sun Drugs said:
Okay. I think I finally need to post here. I have been lurking this thread for months now (when it wasn't an official thread) and have been contemplating posting here for some time. I am in a bad spot.

I graduated in June with a BS in GIS after being in college for 7 years. Have been looking for jobs ever since with no success at all. One probable reason for this is that I have no experience (not even an internship). Still live at home with my parents but it is really taking its toll on me. My only source of income is doing mturk for a few bucks a day, so I get to hang out with my friends every other week if I am lucky. I only have a few that I hang out with anyway.

My motivation is being slowly sapped with every day that goes by. I have not applied to a job in a couple of weeks, partially because there are few available and partially because I can't push myself to write a cover letter for every job. Most jobs I find are out of state and the thought of leaving and being on my own frightens me so much, especially considering that I have more than $100k in medical and credit card debt. Not to mention $15k in school loans I will have to start paying back in January.

I am good with computers so I have been meaning to apply for IT technician positions but I am not sure if I want to abandon my degree so quickly. Not to mention my lack of experience.

Another problem is that I have severe issues with talking on the telephone. If I get a call from a private number I will just ignore it. For all I know, I could have gotten a call from an employer but missed out on the opportunity because I didn't answer the phone. I've set up a "professional sounding" voicemail but maybe it is not good enough, as I get no voicemails. Most of the calls I get are from debt collectors anyway so I don't really see a point in answering.

I have been sliding further into drug use as well. Not sure if I should mention what drug(s). Nothing too serious but it isn't doing me any favors. This has been going on for a couple of years though so I don't consider it to be too much of a problem, since I have managed before these employment problems started.

My parents are very supportive in general but I don't want to discuss my problems with them. I just don't know what to do anymore. I exercise when possible, I eat somewhat healthy. But I feel like I am in a downward spiral, and the longer I am here the harder it is to get out.

Thank you for reading.
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I feel the same way.

My life feels like in a rut. I do the same things everyday - go to the gym, eat food, sit on the computer, go out and chill out with friends (when they're free), and go to sleep. :\
 
What a shit day I'm having.

A day like this makes me realize why I hate being alive. Fuck everyone.
 
Niamh said:
It can be a sign of anxiety. Or something more. Do you feel like you have racing thoughts? Do you feel low a lot? Anything else that you might consider out of the norm?
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Well, ive been focusing a lot recently on myself, trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, and feeling low .... well when I look at it, that's just how ive been for years, like my normal state. Reason for looking at myself a lot is because the effect its having on relationships with ..... anyone. Its gotten so bad now that I feel so distant from friends and family, like im constantly in a state of "meh". I hate the way I am around people.

Had a women for a few days, then I realised I had "broken" my normal state, shit myself, closed up again ..... this killed it. I have some banter with blokes, enjoying myself ... realise it, close up again, then they wonder whats up with me and back off. Around my family ? Constant "meh". Im sick of being this this way, I hate how I am with my family, they are the most important people too me, and im constantly in this shitty mood around them.

Theres other stuff happening as well at the moment (job going nowhere when I was hoping it would, moved out from my house (living with a couple, my brother and his girl who think they owned the place, not for me thanks) back in with the parents (sleeping in the dining room). Have an interview for a job tomorrow and have no idea if I can do it (need to be able to do SQL queries, looks simple enough, fear what they will throw at me though), I also have a brother whose just being a dick worrying the whole family also.

I feel like I supress enjoying myself, and I have no idea how to stop it. Im 27 and feel like this shit should have been gone years ago yet I still have the social skills of a 10 year old.

Guess I just feel pathetic with futureless. Guess that's my rant about things over, as usual my mind has left me on this subject and I cant carry on my thoughts.
 
Femmeworth said:
Ease up on the backbone and "pussah" talk/thinking, that can't be helping. Mind you, I'm not a professional. I don't know how it works in Canada, so hopefully there is someone else here who can help you.

Edit: Maybe this will help? http://www.cpa.ca/ http://www.cpa.ca/public/whatisapsychologist/PTassociations/
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it did. thank you. i also found another local site that compiled a list of therapists and i'll be calling a few numbers later this week.

the pussah stuff is precisely me identifying my faults. i'm tired of running from everything. I'm 23...that's not that old right? As long as I have a set goal that I follow through TO THE END it's not pathetic that i live at home? or is it? I just have to get over this fear of FINISHING. I'm always down for the journey but run from the destination.

it's just hard to reconcile with the fact that i had this mental image of myself in my 20s where I had a degree in something that interested me, i was employed, i lived on my own etc.

i used to do dance class/sessions for...a few months. i've been boxing..on and off for a few months. i work out...on and off. i went to school...sporadically. i wasn't shit at any of these things when i put in the effort.

but i'm scared of just going through the motions and waking up at 30 with these same problems...and then 40 etc. I feel like i have to take action now or else i'll be left behind.

sorry...i'm venting. it's cathartic in here.
 
I pretty much come on here to share songs, haha. Here's a tune that really brings me up and makes me think and other dumb teenager-y shit.

Pompeii by Bastille

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

i tried freewriting today

it was weird
 
Agent Cooper said:
I pretty much come on here to share songs, haha. Here's a tune that really brings me up and makes me think and other dumb teenager-y shit.

Pompeii by Bastille

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

i tried freewriting today

it was weird
Click to expand...

Has been one of my favourite songs for quite some time now. Great choice.
 
Darkmakaimura said:
What's a nice easy, quick, painless way to do one's self in?
Click to expand...

It's not the quickest, but living out your natural life and dying, contented, in your sleep is certainly the best.

Mini-bagels and I are both sick, but if you come to IRC, steam, or skype, we can talk.
 
I already feel worthless, unneeded, unwanted, and not worth it. It doesn't help at all when others reinforce this feeling.

Ah well.

C'est la vie
 
Bagels said:
It's not the quickest, but living out your natural life and dying, contented, in your sleep is certainly the best.

Mini-bagels and I are both sick, but if you come to IRC, steam, or skype, we can talk.
Click to expand...
Don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to fucking drop dead.
 
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