Kiss me, you beautiful mental health genius.
Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
- Start date
- Status
Kiss me, you beautiful mental health genius.
Congratulations! That's so good to hear that you were able to beat it. Super jealous.
I've had anxiety and depression for over 6 years now and it's just been getting worse over the years.
MultiJhonny
Banned
Figured I would give an update on my tapering off Xanax.
I have found it to be easier than anticipated in some ways and harder than anticipated in others.
Generally I feel really good in terms of anxiety and what not. Helps I have been exercising, eating better, drinking water and tea, and meditating. I still have a long way to go to get off totally and hopefully by May I will be. But one thing that it is making me is sort of depressed and it takes me forever to get going in the morning and I hit a wall at night that I can't fight, I thought with the lowering of the dose I would be able to, but it is just like how it used to be and it is hurting my studies this semester since I can't stay up all that late on a nightly basis AND I take forever to get up but once I do I am staying extremely busy (which could factor into my fatigue at night plus xanax)
Overall things are looking up. This semester is kicking my ass and I may have to drop a class since sadly 15 hours this semester is too much with coming off Xanax and the way it is working on my body. Luckily I have this summer and next fall to retake that class that I should do well in, just bad timing. Glad to still be on track to graduate in December.
I didn't anticipate it affecting me this much but overall I am doing better. I really can't wait for the day to get off it totally. I have used it as a crutch for too long and I really want to handle this anxiety in natural ways even if it is much harder during a panic attack.
I wish you all well in your current endeavors!
I have found it to be easier than anticipated in some ways and harder than anticipated in others.
Generally I feel really good in terms of anxiety and what not. Helps I have been exercising, eating better, drinking water and tea, and meditating. I still have a long way to go to get off totally and hopefully by May I will be. But one thing that it is making me is sort of depressed and it takes me forever to get going in the morning and I hit a wall at night that I can't fight, I thought with the lowering of the dose I would be able to, but it is just like how it used to be and it is hurting my studies this semester since I can't stay up all that late on a nightly basis AND I take forever to get up but once I do I am staying extremely busy (which could factor into my fatigue at night plus xanax)
Overall things are looking up. This semester is kicking my ass and I may have to drop a class since sadly 15 hours this semester is too much with coming off Xanax and the way it is working on my body. Luckily I have this summer and next fall to retake that class that I should do well in, just bad timing. Glad to still be on track to graduate in December.
I didn't anticipate it affecting me this much but overall I am doing better. I really can't wait for the day to get off it totally. I have used it as a crutch for too long and I really want to handle this anxiety in natural ways even if it is much harder during a panic attack.
I wish you all well in your current endeavors!
Fall Into The GAF
Member
karasu
Member
Piano said:
Thanks, Piano. Yeah the Effexor was helpful before but due to financial problems it would often get difficult for me to refill my prescription so I would go through these awful withdrawals. The last detox was so tough that I'm afraid to start taking the pills again until my finances are in order.I have one bottle on standby though.
The withdrawal is just unbelievably terrible. Its the fact that I would go to bed like normal but instead of awaking in my bed, I find myself waking up standing in my living room, or screaming at the top of my lungs in my closet that scares me most. Night terrors are a bitch.
NecroGiggles
Member
I came down with a rare condition called CIDP about 4 years ago. Before that I had problems with depression but I kept it in check. After I got CIDP the depression got a lot harder to keep in check.
I am really luck we found out about it early and its controlled really well. My wife and family have been great and I have so much to be happy about it could be so much worse. Still some days I just want to stick a gun to my head and make the feeling of dread and emptiness stop. I think the only reason I never did it was I just kept telling my self the feeling would pass and it does.
I was on a lot of meds but they killed my sex drive and that was a huge deal for me. It took away something I really loved. what I got back was not wort the price. So now I deal with my depression by keeping really busy. I don't know if it's me dealing with it or more like running but it works. I keep a journal and over the past year there has been more good then bad days.
I hope everyone here find something that work. No one should have to deal with this.
I am really luck we found out about it early and its controlled really well. My wife and family have been great and I have so much to be happy about it could be so much worse. Still some days I just want to stick a gun to my head and make the feeling of dread and emptiness stop. I think the only reason I never did it was I just kept telling my self the feeling would pass and it does.
I was on a lot of meds but they killed my sex drive and that was a huge deal for me. It took away something I really loved. what I got back was not wort the price. So now I deal with my depression by keeping really busy. I don't know if it's me dealing with it or more like running but it works. I keep a journal and over the past year there has been more good then bad days.
I hope everyone here find something that work. No one should have to deal with this.
ivanthebearable
Member
Found out today that my dad was diagnosed with cancer and the doctors are heavily advising that he goes for treatment as soon as possible. It's at the stage it was because my dad kept putting off getting help because he has to work every single day, all day at 3 different jobs to help pay for my school/place and would rather make the money to help me than worry about his own well being. It's all my fucking fault and this is just steering my depression to get worse and worse.
Took the day off work because I can't even process how to respond to the news and they gave me the option of taking off tomorrow too. I don't think I even deserve it. I should be working harder to help him so he can get treatment instead of being the useless turd I am. Doesn't help that my BDD has been fucking me up especially lately on top of it, plus my depression has been kicking in overdrive too. I feel a combination of wanting to die and wanting to scream. I feel like an ungrateful shithead and unworthy son. I don't know what to do with myself or if I should go to work tomorrow. I don't even know if I want to breathe honestly.
I was doing so well too till now.
Took the day off work because I can't even process how to respond to the news and they gave me the option of taking off tomorrow too. I don't think I even deserve it. I should be working harder to help him so he can get treatment instead of being the useless turd I am. Doesn't help that my BDD has been fucking me up especially lately on top of it, plus my depression has been kicking in overdrive too. I feel a combination of wanting to die and wanting to scream. I feel like an ungrateful shithead and unworthy son. I don't know what to do with myself or if I should go to work tomorrow. I don't even know if I want to breathe honestly.
I was doing so well too till now.
User 479360
Banned
I wish my sleeping schedule was better. It's out of whack still. I slept from about 4:30pm until 12:30am today, with some broken parts.
I pulled an all nighter last night, but wasn't tired anyways. I took those ADD pills as a stimulant because I wanted to play a game I'm working on, and also maybe go out today which I did -- with a friend.
We mostly just shopped and drove around or sat in the car. Nothing special. I did fill my generic Prozac prescription, though, because now I have basic benefits.
I met a girl on Craigslist when I posted an ad on Craigslist, but it turned out that she was just trying to get a bunch of money from me.
I pulled an all nighter last night, but wasn't tired anyways. I took those ADD pills as a stimulant because I wanted to play a game I'm working on, and also maybe go out today which I did -- with a friend.
We mostly just shopped and drove around or sat in the car. Nothing special. I did fill my generic Prozac prescription, though, because now I have basic benefits.
I met a girl on Craigslist when I posted an ad on Craigslist, but it turned out that she was just trying to get a bunch of money from me.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
I need to work on reducing suicidal thoughts. Continues to be pervasive, especially when I try to sleep. For some time now it's felt like I'm one major incident away from ending it.
I think a big thing for me is trying to learn that it's okay to have relaxing days where I don't really do much at all. I just can't appreciate days like that (like today) and relax and get rested for the work week coming up. All I can do is feel guilty and useless and feel like I'm just wasting my time away. Like, I feel like I'm doing something morally wrong by doing nothing much all day.
I struggle with that too, Kipp. I love unstructured time, but I feel guilty about it. Even with my hobbies, I'll keep track of the books I read or games I play so it feels more like I am accomplishing things. I guess I have managed to make more peace with it, especially now that I have kiddos to occupy my time, but those thoughts will probably always be there.
User 479360
Banned
Worrying myself sick about different things. I've hardly eaten (just two bowls of cereal at 6am this morning) over the last two days, and have felt flu-like over both.
It's guilt, worry, shame, etc.
I'm also coming to the realization -- although I figured it would be required because the issue started up again a bit last year -- that I'll need to have surgery again soon. I've been putting off going to the doctor's, because it's not a major surgery or something life threatening and I've had it done twice before. Both of those times, I was in the worst pain I've ever been in physically, and I'm a wimp.
But I can't pee properly because there's a blockage in my bladder.
EDIT: Started generic Prozac today.
It's guilt, worry, shame, etc.
I'm also coming to the realization -- although I figured it would be required because the issue started up again a bit last year -- that I'll need to have surgery again soon. I've been putting off going to the doctor's, because it's not a major surgery or something life threatening and I've had it done twice before. Both of those times, I was in the worst pain I've ever been in physically, and I'm a wimp.
But I can't pee properly because there's a blockage in my bladder.
EDIT: Started generic Prozac today.
Having exhausted seemingly all options with my pain (which has continued to get worse and worse over the years), my doctor has written me a medical marijuana script and encouraged me to go to a dispensary. I prefer this option over starting the endless fight with her (and future doctors) for more and more opioids but I'm not feeling very confident and expense is a major problem as pot isn't covered by my insurance like the other painkillers would be.
I've been crying a lot lately and just feel completely overwhelmed by what my life has become (which is nowhere close to where I wanted it to be). I don't want to die but I've reached the point where my quality of life is so miserably low that I'm not really living, just surviving. The symptoms are frequently unbearable. My scalp is basically non-stop burning at this point and driving me crazy. My ears frequently ache and I can't stand certain frequencies, which has made playing the piano (the love of my life) a chore. The fatigue can't be described unless you have the illness yourself. Things were bad three years ago and I couldn't imagine how the illness could get worse but it can and it does. How much worse can get it from this point on, until I'm in a wheelchair and need help just getting up to take a shower? I'm very aware that no matter what I do to try and suppress symptoms, the illness will streamroller through it eventually. Suicide seems inevitable.
But I think the worst part is how I'm becoming acutely aware that I'm letting people down. I feel like the only reason I'm still here is for my friends but I haven't been an especially good one lately because I barely have enough energy left over for myself. And it's only going to get worse from here on out. What hope is there?
I've been crying a lot lately and just feel completely overwhelmed by what my life has become (which is nowhere close to where I wanted it to be). I don't want to die but I've reached the point where my quality of life is so miserably low that I'm not really living, just surviving. The symptoms are frequently unbearable. My scalp is basically non-stop burning at this point and driving me crazy. My ears frequently ache and I can't stand certain frequencies, which has made playing the piano (the love of my life) a chore. The fatigue can't be described unless you have the illness yourself. Things were bad three years ago and I couldn't imagine how the illness could get worse but it can and it does. How much worse can get it from this point on, until I'm in a wheelchair and need help just getting up to take a shower? I'm very aware that no matter what I do to try and suppress symptoms, the illness will streamroller through it eventually. Suicide seems inevitable.
But I think the worst part is how I'm becoming acutely aware that I'm letting people down. I feel like the only reason I'm still here is for my friends but I haven't been an especially good one lately because I barely have enough energy left over for myself. And it's only going to get worse from here on out. What hope is there?
la flama blanca
Banned
Oof, sorry you're feeling that way. Can you elaborate? I just started my first dose today, 10mg gonna go up to 20 next week.
Bet he wouldn't have any similar sentiments. Reroute this energy.
What the point? This world hates me and I hate myself in it. Even if Andrew Yoon was alive I bet he would never want to date a guy like me. I'm pretty much a monster trying to find love in a world that dislikes me. At least in death I don't have to feel anything or be rejected. I can simply not exist. I'm going to finally drop therapy. I cannot even say what I want to say. I think I might just kill myself this year. There is a 100% chance I'll be the lonely loser this year as I was last year. I should give up. There isn't any reason I should stay alive.
RoyaleDuke
Banned
For those that care to hear from me, here is an update.
Saw my therapist on Friday after missing appointments for a couple months. Told her about my new potential job working at a retail marijuana dispensary.
Been pretty anxiety ridden and upset, meds aren't working.
Got my retail badge paperwork and background check done today, just gotta wait a day or two and I can drive all the way back to Longmont to get my Retail Industry Badge. They even gave me a cool lanyard.
You'd think having the potential dream job would make me feel less miserable, and honestly sometimes when I think about it, it does, but on the other hand I just don't feel it yet, I don't have the job yet, it doesn't feel real.
Financially things keep getting worse, hopefully a lot better when I get hired.
Kept having recurring dreams for a week leading to valentines day about my dead ex, I kept trying to call her, or in others we were together talking about things and arguing about sex. A dream that I've lived in the past, the difference in the dream is that she kept telling me things would be okay, that she was okay.
I talked to my mom about it and I couldn't help but cry, it's hard to move on when no one seems to take interest in you despite your best efforts.
My jaw is acting up and I may have to get some dental work done too, which is just lovely.
Saw my therapist on Friday after missing appointments for a couple months. Told her about my new potential job working at a retail marijuana dispensary.
Been pretty anxiety ridden and upset, meds aren't working.
Got my retail badge paperwork and background check done today, just gotta wait a day or two and I can drive all the way back to Longmont to get my Retail Industry Badge. They even gave me a cool lanyard.
You'd think having the potential dream job would make me feel less miserable, and honestly sometimes when I think about it, it does, but on the other hand I just don't feel it yet, I don't have the job yet, it doesn't feel real.
Financially things keep getting worse, hopefully a lot better when I get hired.
Kept having recurring dreams for a week leading to valentines day about my dead ex, I kept trying to call her, or in others we were together talking about things and arguing about sex. A dream that I've lived in the past, the difference in the dream is that she kept telling me things would be okay, that she was okay.
I talked to my mom about it and I couldn't help but cry, it's hard to move on when no one seems to take interest in you despite your best efforts.
My jaw is acting up and I may have to get some dental work done too, which is just lovely.
What's the matter? I'll listen
I don't know what illness you have, but it sounds excruciatingly awful. As someone who has been addicted to opiates, I think switching over to marijuana is a great idea even if it costs you more money.
Is there hope for this illness? Are doctors are closer to finding a cure or making it more manageable? Even if they aren't, you need to keep pushing. Some of your symptoms of depression may come with the painkillers you're using. You need to keep going for yourself and not anyone else. You need to keep going. There are many people out there who although they're in such pain, either emotionally or physically, they create and contribute to amazing things! If they can do it, you can to. Don't give up, because when you give up, so does your body. Keep fighting.
I have my own issue right now. I'm quite self destructive and have gotten myself almost killed through drug usage and stupidity. I kicked opiates twice already...but then today I found a few pills and I just had to use them. I am now regretting that because now the powerful high is in my memory again and it just makes me want to use more.
My friend left my life for no apparent reason and I just want someone to care about me. I know my family does, but I want someone to care about me who isn't related to me. I want someone to really care for me. I'm hooking up with random people and the sex is good but it's not really what I'm after. I'm after companionship.
I have fibromyalgia. It's a phantom illness, doctors know virtually nothing about it and the only drugs available are symptom management only (and for the most part are ineffective, despite what the drug companies want you to believe). Research for it is basically in its infancy and as far as I know, there isn't a lot of money being diverted to it so I don't have a great deal of hope for medical advancement in this area.
I definitely agree that I want to dodge opiates if at all possible. I know that with the advancement of the illness, I'll need higher and higher doses and that road leads to disaster but right now, my pain is extremely poorly managed and the best I can get from my doc is tramadol (with an occasional emergency supply of Vicodin which honestly barely touches the pain).
I just don't really have anything to fight for except other people. And I know I can't live for them so what exactly am I living for? I've pretty much lost everything else.
BipolarBear629
Member
Am I the only one who feels like I'm not really depressed at times and I am just really lazy and boring. Whenever I hear about depression I always hear the people who can't get out of bed, near suicidal, constant sadness. To me I only feel bored all the time and lost interest in my previous hobbies. I just feel like everything is purposeless.
karasu
Member
Sounds like anhedonia. It's often experienced as a part of depression.
la flama blanca
Banned
First off, the world does not hate you. I don't hate you. Second, you can't argue that you need to die if it's so obvious that you're sabotaging yourself immensely. And I do the same thing, trust me. Life is worth living, even through the shit that we deal with. Maybe I'm just naive in that I will always muster up some kind of hope no matter what, but at the very least it has provided me with some rewarding experiences in my life. I have no doubt in my mind that you can overcome these challenges.
DiddysKongQuest
Member
It actually went really well! The doctor knows me and my family situation, so she showed a lot of understanding.
She didn't want to prescribe antidepressants, but she gave me a list of all the psychotherapists in the area and said that I should call her whenever I have a question. Plus I have to take a blood test tomorrow so that they can check for medical conditions that might be related to a depression.
User 479360
Banned
My anxiety continues to trigger IBS, flu-like symptoms. I feel like crap still. But I don't think it's the flu because I've had this randomly before and I'm not throwing up or in the bathroom much. I just feel like crap, and my stomach is queasy.
I often get down on myself and wonder if I'm just lazy and bored, but I deal with bad fatigue and have had suicidal thoughts for years, so there's definitely depression there. I can't kick it and it's ruining my life.
I don't have energy to do much most of the time, don't like dealing with what's going on in my life, want out of a rut but have no energy or interest or motivation to do it and don't enjoy what I used to.
I'm mostly a shut in, and I've never been social or a ladies man to begin with, so I'm lonely and struggle with dating. I get jealous of friends and my mind wanders to the misery loves company side, which I hate.
I used to love doing things like gaming, going out with friends, drinking occasionally, etc. However, I'm too in my head and can't stop thinking/worrying/obsessing and don't enjoy much anymore.
You may have what was mentioned above. Hopefully it's not depression. Good luck.
I often get down on myself and wonder if I'm just lazy and bored, but I deal with bad fatigue and have had suicidal thoughts for years, so there's definitely depression there. I can't kick it and it's ruining my life.
I don't have energy to do much most of the time, don't like dealing with what's going on in my life, want out of a rut but have no energy or interest or motivation to do it and don't enjoy what I used to.
I'm mostly a shut in, and I've never been social or a ladies man to begin with, so I'm lonely and struggle with dating. I get jealous of friends and my mind wanders to the misery loves company side, which I hate.
I used to love doing things like gaming, going out with friends, drinking occasionally, etc. However, I'm too in my head and can't stop thinking/worrying/obsessing and don't enjoy much anymore.
You may have what was mentioned above. Hopefully it's not depression. Good luck.
Tell me about it! I've got a list of every video game I've beaten, my music is meticulously organized into playlists and collections, I've got lists of the movies I want to see, books I want to read and musicians I want to catch up with. It all seems so immaterial or even neurotic but I figure if it's giving me that little bit of existential reassurance and not taking over my life (which it's not) then there's no harm in it.
Plus now when I want to watch a movie I don't have to hunt around forever, I have a list of a dozen or so I really want to see.
The not eating may be fueling the flu like feeling, OCDChewie. I sometimes get caught up in things and skip eating and in the past year I've had a few periods where the not eating has caught up with me and caused serious exhaustion or other physical symptoms. Often one of those symptoms is nausea or a lack of appetite which only fuels the cycle further.
I've found it helpful to find what sorts of foods I can force down (maybe trail mix or meal shakes) and keep those around for those times when I don't want food but I know I need food.
I'm sorry for your worsening physical pain, jb; it's a struggle of which I've experience no equal and cannot understand. I'm glad that you're going to be trying out medical marijuana and I hope for the best.
I hear a second axis of movement in this post, though. Nearly every description of your emotional suffering centers on expectations, whether yours or others, and a resistance to, and discomfort with, the reality of what's happening and what will happen going forward.
Death is a reality for all of us. For you it is a more present reality. That is not easy. Period. But for all of us, when ever-advancing toward a certain death, the question is whether we can chart a better psychological course for ourselves toward that horizon through acceptance and equanimity rather than constantly judging ourselves and our situations.
I have never thought of you as a bad friend or felt you let me down. I'm sure many others feel the same way. Yet the perception of judgment is creating suffering. The anticipation of future suffering is creating even more suffering.
Death is inevitable. Suicide may even be reasonable at some point - I generally support death with dignity and things like that. But surely we want the best path between ourselves and the inevitable.
For one thing, I do not hate you, and the world doesn't, either.
Second, and more importantly, being in a relationship does not instantaneously fix our problems or alleviate our suffering. We are simply the same person, with the same problems, still suffering, but now in a relationship. The idea that a partner can waltz along and pull us out of our misery is a fantasy that's fed to us by all forms of media. I bought into it, too. But ultimately, nobody can work at our problems except ourselves. It is unreasonable to expect a partner to "fix" us. Others can provide valuable tools and support but they cannot reach into our skulls and magically eliminate the thought patterns, unresolved grief, self-hatred, etc that make us suffer. That is why therapy is invaluable. Therapy is tools and support. A therapist, ideally, provides us with the tools we need to start tinkering around inside our own heads and the support we need as we do so. It is not easy. Ultimately it takes motivation on our part, which is hard to come by. But the process can be taken one tiny, incremental step at a time, and those steps can be as small as they need to be in order to be manageable.
I'm sorry you're having a tough time of it, RD. It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate. It can be very helpful to keep in mind: one step at a time. That's all we can do, is take everything, every single part of life, one step at a time. Hopefully seeing your therapist will help smooth things out a bit.
I was going on a new medication with a new doctor nearly five years ago. I asked him what I should expect, and it surprised me when he said "nothing". He encouraged me to have no expectations, but instead take the medication for a bit and then see if I feel "more like myself". I suppose that advice isn't all that revolutionary but at the time it really changed my perspective on medication. I try to live up to his advice these days whenever I'm trying out something new.
I hope the career fairs go well, Steamlord. It's best not to have expectations for those sorts of things, too. Or anything, really. Disappointment is the non-fulfillment of expectation. Were we to always simply take things as they are rather than compare them to our expectations we'd suffer a lot less. It's easier said than done, of course, but it is interesting to think about.
Glad to hear it, DKQ! I encourage you to follow through with the list of psychotherapists.
<3
Thanks for the reply. I know there are more medications to try if this one doesn't work, so maybe something will eventually help. I'm not really sure what feeling "more like myself" would even be though. I've been struggling with anxiety for more than half of my life so I don't feel like I have much of an identity outside of it.
As for the career fair, I went, sat in the parking lot for a while, and left. I just can't handle that sort of thing. Who knows how the next one will go.
Teriyaki Blues
Member
Piano, you're awesome. <3
RoyaleDuke
Banned
<3 thanks Piano.
I think it's finding some way of making life bearable. It might not be what I want it to be but there has to be some way of continuing to push forward. It's just getting to be extremely difficult when I can't enjoy anything anymore. I can't even game because the pain is too distracting and that drives me fucking crazy.
If I can't push forward anymore then that's another choice I'll have to make. But it's the last one I'll ever make so I need to make damn sure that it's the only option remaining.
As always, I deeply value your wisdom and friendship. I am super stoked we're hanging out this weekend.
RoyaleDuke
Banned
Got the email from the Marijuana Enforcement Division, I passed my background check and I can go and pick up my Industry Badge tomorrow.
So, I also got ahold of the dispensary I'm supposed to work for and they will let me know if they have an interview time ready for me once I talk to HR.
So, even if I don't get this job, it's a hell of a lot easier to get hired at other places with my badge.
But ideally, and it sure looks like it will work out though. I need the convenience of how close this particular job is and potentially, how well it pays.
So, I also got ahold of the dispensary I'm supposed to work for and they will let me know if they have an interview time ready for me once I talk to HR.
So, even if I don't get this job, it's a hell of a lot easier to get hired at other places with my badge.
But ideally, and it sure looks like it will work out though. I need the convenience of how close this particular job is and potentially, how well it pays.
killertofu
Member
I made an offhand joke to my friend the other day about having low frequency depression but now I'm starting to feel like maybe I wasn't joking...
I feel stressed most of the time because I was new at my job and was getting the hang of it and then got into a relationship with someone but it soured because it was long distance. Stress of the job continued but I'm realizing that it's been almost a year since we broke up. I work a ton, am semi satisfied with my work but feel the need to work on my own personal projects so I decided to live alone. But I just end up feeling incredibly lonely and I haven't been able to escape that feeling for a long time.
I've felt frustrated before for long periods of time but it was mostly because I was trying to find a job. Now I'm kind of settled, I'm doing solid work but it just seems like I'm sliding. Trying to fill the ellipsis by chain smoking even though it just makes my head hurt.
Not sure if I should see a therapist or not. I see a psychiatrist once a couple of months but it's just so he can refill my adderall...
I feel stressed most of the time because I was new at my job and was getting the hang of it and then got into a relationship with someone but it soured because it was long distance. Stress of the job continued but I'm realizing that it's been almost a year since we broke up. I work a ton, am semi satisfied with my work but feel the need to work on my own personal projects so I decided to live alone. But I just end up feeling incredibly lonely and I haven't been able to escape that feeling for a long time.
I've felt frustrated before for long periods of time but it was mostly because I was trying to find a job. Now I'm kind of settled, I'm doing solid work but it just seems like I'm sliding. Trying to fill the ellipsis by chain smoking even though it just makes my head hurt.
Not sure if I should see a therapist or not. I see a psychiatrist once a couple of months but it's just so he can refill my adderall...
I need to vent gaf. This thread looks to be a fitting place.
I feel so completely overwhelmed in life. The last 5 years have been so crazy and I don't think I've really processed any of it. I'm 33 years old and just feel numb/cold mixed with feeling like a deer caught in headlights.
In the last 5 years:
* My parents seperated after 32 years of marriage. My dad had an affair on my mom. I've always had huge respect for him but this killed me. I know divorce is hard on children but damn it made me feel like my entire child hood was a lie.
* I got engaged, had 2 children back to back, and the mother of my children decided that she just didn't love me anymore. We were together 6 years but have been living seperate for the last year. We have "tried" over the last year to work things out but she told me a month ago that she just couldn't ever picture marrying me and that she felt the same way she did a year ago. Mind you she already had 2 kids from a previous marriage and her kids look at me as a father figure. I took them all in, provided a home and was good to them all.
* speaking of taking people in, I also took my mom in when her and my dad seperated. She was depressed/suicidal and I felt like I had to bring her in. She actually still lives with me. I feel trapped taking care of her and feel like I'm ready to do my own thing. She is only 55,but she doesn't try. She just sits around waiting for the day my dad decides he loves her again.
* My grandmother passed away. We were really close. She raised me while my parents both worked. I would call her everyday at 3:30pm just to talk with her so she wouldn't feel so alone (her husband had committed suicide decades ago and she never married again). Some of the last things she told me before she died was how lonely she felt.
I just feel like my thoughts are a constant see saw between feeling so low and alone to trying to grasp at the idea of a bright future. I've been in counseling for months now, focusing on my anxiety issues along with everything else going on. Cognitive thinking has really helped but my inner anxiety is still there, pulling me all over the place.
For now, I'm just trying to stay busy with work/working out and focusing on me. I still love the mother of my children and it sucks that our communication has gone away. I considered her my best friend and even while we were seperated we still talked every single day. She no longer calls and I just have to accept that I can't save the relationship by myself.
I'm aiming to put my house on the market by the end of the month. I found some apartments right in the center of the town I live in (Woodstock, Ga). They are located at a very popular walking trail and have restaurants/bars all right there. Everytime I go walk the trails I see a bunch of healthy good looking people and it makes me feel like I want to be a part of it.
Sorry for the wall of text. Sitting here on the toilet at work and felt like venting. I do frequent this thread and read about what some of you ladies and gents are going thru. My heart goes out to all of you and I hope we all overcome what we are faced with and have our moments in the sunshine.
I feel so completely overwhelmed in life. The last 5 years have been so crazy and I don't think I've really processed any of it. I'm 33 years old and just feel numb/cold mixed with feeling like a deer caught in headlights.
In the last 5 years:
* My parents seperated after 32 years of marriage. My dad had an affair on my mom. I've always had huge respect for him but this killed me. I know divorce is hard on children but damn it made me feel like my entire child hood was a lie.
* I got engaged, had 2 children back to back, and the mother of my children decided that she just didn't love me anymore. We were together 6 years but have been living seperate for the last year. We have "tried" over the last year to work things out but she told me a month ago that she just couldn't ever picture marrying me and that she felt the same way she did a year ago. Mind you she already had 2 kids from a previous marriage and her kids look at me as a father figure. I took them all in, provided a home and was good to them all.
* speaking of taking people in, I also took my mom in when her and my dad seperated. She was depressed/suicidal and I felt like I had to bring her in. She actually still lives with me. I feel trapped taking care of her and feel like I'm ready to do my own thing. She is only 55,but she doesn't try. She just sits around waiting for the day my dad decides he loves her again.
* My grandmother passed away. We were really close. She raised me while my parents both worked. I would call her everyday at 3:30pm just to talk with her so she wouldn't feel so alone (her husband had committed suicide decades ago and she never married again). Some of the last things she told me before she died was how lonely she felt.
I just feel like my thoughts are a constant see saw between feeling so low and alone to trying to grasp at the idea of a bright future. I've been in counseling for months now, focusing on my anxiety issues along with everything else going on. Cognitive thinking has really helped but my inner anxiety is still there, pulling me all over the place.
For now, I'm just trying to stay busy with work/working out and focusing on me. I still love the mother of my children and it sucks that our communication has gone away. I considered her my best friend and even while we were seperated we still talked every single day. She no longer calls and I just have to accept that I can't save the relationship by myself.
I'm aiming to put my house on the market by the end of the month. I found some apartments right in the center of the town I live in (Woodstock, Ga). They are located at a very popular walking trail and have restaurants/bars all right there. Everytime I go walk the trails I see a bunch of healthy good looking people and it makes me feel like I want to be a part of it.
Sorry for the wall of text. Sitting here on the toilet at work and felt like venting. I do frequent this thread and read about what some of you ladies and gents are going thru. My heart goes out to all of you and I hope we all overcome what we are faced with and have our moments in the sunshine.
Sheriff_Battlesnake
Banned
I made an off-topic post yesterday because I felt like I was spiraling. I got a lot of encouragement and helpful advice, and I decided to move my emotions here because posting personal information in a public forum kind of clogs up real estate when this is here. I think it was just an outcry.
I walked with my girlfriend for hours last night before random realizing I had a single tear running down my cheek. Like, straight faced, not crying, tear. Then suddenly I was bawling, which is something I don't do. I started just confessing the things I wouldn't say out loud to my girlfriend, about my insecurities, or how I feel like I have so much to give and I have a voice but I won't learn my lessons enough to ever climb high enough to resound it, and how I feel the weight of my hubris from even thinking I have some talent to share that could satisfy that. It's like I am so cocky and yet futile. I think it creates an expectation of myself and a pride that I am putting all my value into the final product and not the process of making these things or walking my path. And then making myself feel bad for believing in myself? Idk. I'm an artist and I think artists often marry their worth with their ability to create, and alcohol keeps me from expressing and creating.
I'm rambling. But it was deeply therapeutic. When I was in rehabilitation for bulimia I came up with something that helped me communicate the idea of feeling hopeful after good therapy:
I walked with my girlfriend for hours last night before random realizing I had a single tear running down my cheek. Like, straight faced, not crying, tear. Then suddenly I was bawling, which is something I don't do. I started just confessing the things I wouldn't say out loud to my girlfriend, about my insecurities, or how I feel like I have so much to give and I have a voice but I won't learn my lessons enough to ever climb high enough to resound it, and how I feel the weight of my hubris from even thinking I have some talent to share that could satisfy that. It's like I am so cocky and yet futile. I think it creates an expectation of myself and a pride that I am putting all my value into the final product and not the process of making these things or walking my path. And then making myself feel bad for believing in myself? Idk. I'm an artist and I think artists often marry their worth with their ability to create, and alcohol keeps me from expressing and creating.
I'm rambling. But it was deeply therapeutic. When I was in rehabilitation for bulimia I came up with something that helped me communicate the idea of feeling hopeful after good therapy:
Booker Dewitt
Member
Well, I finally worked up the brave to call the employee assistance program again today, after freaking out that someone might sit next to me on the bus, the surge of aniexty a hour before my shift ended yesterday and me locking myself in a room yesterday to avoid having to interact with one of my roommate's friends that I don't know.
Two counselors that would fall under my jobs umbrella in my town, first one denied my referral and still waiting on word from the second.
Two counselors that would fall under my jobs umbrella in my town, first one denied my referral and still waiting on word from the second.
So school is going well, or it would be if I wasn't four weeks behind on lab reports for a lab that I have. I just kept getting further and further behind, and getting more and more scared. After resolving to do it tonight, I lost my fucking lab notebook and I'm scared and I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do if I don't find it. Just get fucked I guess.
On top of that, (and probably because of that), I'm really fucking depressed tonight and I fucking hate myself and everything about myself. Who I am, what I've done, what will happen in my future.
You can't win every day I guess. Just got to keep pushing on. I keep telling myself that I fight because it's the only thing I know what to do, but I honestly sometimes doubt myself as someone who really does fight for things.
I'm sure it'll work out in the end. Just not a fun time now I guess : ( sorry if I haven't PM'd anyone back. My life got hellishly busy as of late. Working 20 hrs a week plus school at a really hard STEM university. Not a good combo for dealing with depression, I guess.
Stay strong everyone, I'll try to do the same. : )
On top of that, (and probably because of that), I'm really fucking depressed tonight and I fucking hate myself and everything about myself. Who I am, what I've done, what will happen in my future.
You can't win every day I guess. Just got to keep pushing on. I keep telling myself that I fight because it's the only thing I know what to do, but I honestly sometimes doubt myself as someone who really does fight for things.
I'm sure it'll work out in the end. Just not a fun time now I guess : ( sorry if I haven't PM'd anyone back. My life got hellishly busy as of late. Working 20 hrs a week plus school at a really hard STEM university. Not a good combo for dealing with depression, I guess.
Stay strong everyone, I'll try to do the same. : )
School's been keeping me really busy. Which is good, I guess. I'd kind of had these fantasies of going back to college (which I did) and taking advantage of all these opportunities to meet girls and finally start dating, maybe get a girlfriend, but it's becoming increasingly obvious that it's probably not going to happen. I'm going to be busy as fuck for the next couple years and the program I'm in is a complete sausage fest. I'll be in my later mid-30s when I'm done with this program, and that's not counting the (small-ish) possibility of continuing on for another couple years for a bachelor's. It gets me really bummed when I think about it.
I wanted to stop by and say that you're all incredible people. Remember that you hold a much bigger place in people's hearts than you think. You deserve happiness and you all have the wherewithal to fight for it. Please don't give up, because people care about you. Even if they don't tell you that as much as they should. The hardest part is convincing yourself that you aren't alone, because we all suffer when we feel isolated. Sometimes we go years without any positive reinforcement or support, so we forget just how much we matter to others. Many other great people struggle even if their lives seem picturesque from the outside. That stoic and impervious looking exterior is never as strong or perfect as you think. In the end, we're all vulnerable, some are just better at hiding it than others. Have a great day and stay strong everyone.
A Fish Aficionado
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me
Amen to that.
I am very tired in ways that have nothing to do with depression or physical exhaustion. I do not know what else to do about some things besides give myself a means to get some things said that should have been said years ago, if I were not intentionally held back/delayed over it.
Iife isn't worth living. When I think about I don't even deserve to live. Look at Andrew Yoon. He died and that's not fair. I'd take his place in an instant. I don't even deserve to be with anyone at all. I have a cousin who not only stepped out on his two daughters and girlfriend but took all their money from the bank and left. Now I find out he is living in Virginia years later married with two kids looking happy. I cannot even get a date. My path in life is one which is nothing but pain and crap. Life hates men God hates me my own family hates me and I hate me. So why even bother continuing to live at all. To be rejected from everything in life?
Came in here for a bit of general advice and a perhaps motivation to do something about it.
I think I have a mild case of anxiety and not 100% sure where to go from here and not sure if im just being silly or if its something I should get help for.
I just find doing certain things in my life difficult and there will be times when I sometimes get a small pit in my stomach and often avoid doing it due to the mere stress of it.
I don't like talking to certain people, I hate doing phone calls as Ill often avoid unknown numbers because I feel stressed by not knowing who it be or what about.
Not that great with small talk when it involves meeting new people are just people outside of my main friendgroup.
Left my last job because alot of people were fired, we got a new manger and generally alot of the people I liked to talk to were no longer there, along with having to pick up some new skills and responsibilities I just sorta cracked and while giving very small notice left.
I have had therapy before when I was 16-17 when I had depression, nothing too serious I was doing High School at the time and had Glandular fever which was completely wrecking my body at the time.
I try to get out of my comfort zone I walk my dog once a day I go to the gym I eat fairly well so my diet and exercise is not a huge issue, its just when I relapse and feel to anxious to go to the gym because I get stressed out by the very notion of having to go there or exercising around people.
Just a small admittance to myself and nothing compared to the incredible heartfelt stories alot of people have told throughout this thread, Its only a sometimes feeling but Its something that while small eats at me and feels like I can't move on with myself while its there.
I think I have a mild case of anxiety and not 100% sure where to go from here and not sure if im just being silly or if its something I should get help for.
I just find doing certain things in my life difficult and there will be times when I sometimes get a small pit in my stomach and often avoid doing it due to the mere stress of it.
I don't like talking to certain people, I hate doing phone calls as Ill often avoid unknown numbers because I feel stressed by not knowing who it be or what about.
Not that great with small talk when it involves meeting new people are just people outside of my main friendgroup.
Left my last job because alot of people were fired, we got a new manger and generally alot of the people I liked to talk to were no longer there, along with having to pick up some new skills and responsibilities I just sorta cracked and while giving very small notice left.
I have had therapy before when I was 16-17 when I had depression, nothing too serious I was doing High School at the time and had Glandular fever which was completely wrecking my body at the time.
I try to get out of my comfort zone I walk my dog once a day I go to the gym I eat fairly well so my diet and exercise is not a huge issue, its just when I relapse and feel to anxious to go to the gym because I get stressed out by the very notion of having to go there or exercising around people.
Just a small admittance to myself and nothing compared to the incredible heartfelt stories alot of people have told throughout this thread, Its only a sometimes feeling but Its something that while small eats at me and feels like I can't move on with myself while its there.
Z
ZombieFred
Unconfirmed Member
Ok guys I did something very foolish last Saturday and took a cocktail of different drugs (Speed, Meth, Poppers, Viagra) last week and had a minor seizure and since then been feeling like shit. Mostly it's anxiety that's kind of kicked it when just before falling asleep where I get a surge of adrenaline/anxiety like feelings around the chest. I've hardly explored most of these former drugs before but I've never had a sign of mental illness or anything of the likes. Physically I am Ok and feel better with most of my conventration, footing, talking and so fourth are mostly back to normal. I've not hard much normal sleep when I took one or two sleeping pills and it gave me a bad anxious reaction and so fourth. I'm hitting to natural sleep now and when I did try last night I did get some small adrenaline/anxious hit me in semi slate but manage to calm myself 30 minutes after and fall asleep.
Will this go away after time? Could it be my brain chemicals lacking certain chemical balances before it all goes away? Again never taken much of these drugs before or the odd rare session now and then.
I wont be doing anything that reckless again and stupid that's for sure. A lot of the symptons point to bad comedown but it's been almost five days post use but I will admit my sleeping hasn't been the best since then but I should be ok for sleep for most part starting this weekend.
Will this go away after time? Could it be my brain chemicals lacking certain chemical balances before it all goes away? Again never taken much of these drugs before or the odd rare session now and then.
I wont be doing anything that reckless again and stupid that's for sure. A lot of the symptons point to bad comedown but it's been almost five days post use but I will admit my sleeping hasn't been the best since then but I should be ok for sleep for most part starting this weekend.
DiddysKongQuest
Member
Yesterday we got the news that we have to put my girlfriend's dog to sleep. She has been sick for more than a year now, but I guess you always have that tiny bit of hope for a miracle.
I feel absolutely terrible, but we all know it's for the best and don't want her to suffer any longer. I'm more attached to this little furball than to my own dog. There is a reason why they named her PD (which stands for perfect dog).
The next 5 hours will go by very fast and I don't want to be anywhere near the room where they are going to it. I don't want to so see how her eyes close for the last time.
I don't want to accept that she won't be among us tomorrow
I feel absolutely terrible, but we all know it's for the best and don't want her to suffer any longer. I'm more attached to this little furball than to my own dog. There is a reason why they named her PD (which stands for perfect dog).
The next 5 hours will go by very fast and I don't want to be anywhere near the room where they are going to it. I don't want to so see how her eyes close for the last time.
I don't want to accept that she won't be among us tomorrow
It can take the body a very long time to properly comedown from something of the nature you're describing. Like, weeks in some cases. What you're experiencing is normal for what you did--and I won't lambast you for making the choice that you made. Just know that yeah, it's gonna take some time for things to get back to normal. If it does persist and it continues to bother you, please go see a doctor. You won't be reported to the police for it so long as you don't show up high as shit, and there's always the chance that you caused some actual damage.
Generally speaking: If your body is doing shit you don't like, go see a doctor.
There's nothing inherently wrong with feeling stressed out, and a lot of the situations you described are pretty normal. Everyone finds certain things difficult, and most people crack when under extreme stress. Try to not let it get you down. It's perfectly normal, and healthy even. However!
If you think it's a problem, getting somewhere where you can safely talk about what's bothering you can help a lot; Even for normal stressors. There's absolutely nothing wrong with needing to vocalize or vent, and therapy can help with that. If you can afford it? Talk to a therapist. You don't need to make a long-term commitment, but it seriously can't hurt! If you can't afford it, maybe talk to a friend about it (if they're willing). If you're suffering, you never need to suffer alone--even over stuff that you think might be relatively minor.
I'm sorry to hear that, my dude. Condolences. Try to remember that her suffering is going to be eased and this is the right thing to do. Pet death is hard, but I believe in you.Yesterday we got the news that we have to put my girlfriend's dog to sleep. She has been sick for more than a year now, but I guess you always have that tiny bit of hope for a miracle.
I feel absolutely terrible, but we all know it's for the best and don't want her to suffer any longer. I'm more attached to this little furball than to my own dog. There is a reason why they named her PD (which stands for perfect dog).
The next 5 hours will go by very fast and I don't want to be anywhere near the room where they are going to it. I don't want to so see how her eyes close for the last time.
I don't want to accept that she won't be among us tomorrow
I've started therapy, and I don't think I like my therapist very much. I rambled for 45 minutes yesterday because every time I ran out of things I wanted to say, she just sat there in silence and watched me. It was super, super awkward and honestly--I'd rather just talk to people close to me about things that are bothering me at that point. I'm gonna give her a few more sessions to see if she was just letting me roll on to get a good idea of where to start, but I really didn't enjoy my first 2 sessions with her.
While I do want to continue therapy, I know that a lot of the actual help is going to come from medication. Self-policing my thoughts is something I'm used to and mindfulness is something I try to practice when my head isn't a jumbled, loud mess of thoughts. There's only so much having a safe space to say what I want will help with, I think.
I've got a second interview for this job in New Hampshire (I currently live in California and have been wanting to move to the Northeast) in a few hours. I feel really good about it. I want this job more than anything.
Relevant to this thread, I'll finally have good health care if I get this job, so I'll finally be able to afford to go to therapy!
Relevant to this thread, I'll finally have good health care if I get this job, so I'll finally be able to afford to go to therapy!
Hope your interview goes well. I just got a letter in the mail notifying me that my insurance is running out at the end of the month as I expected it would happen. It gives me time for one more visit to my therapist. Hopefully the benefits I'll get from my new job will be taken by my current therapist as I don't want to have to find a new one.
- Status