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[chronic_archaic]

Might be better for it's own discussion but in addition with dealing with my own issues - OCD and some minor depression/anxiety as well, there's a massive elephant in the room I need some advice on as soon as possible. Knowing this much my oldest sister suffers from bipolar disorder, and probably some other things I'm not aware of (or she is) but more importantly is also a drug addict who doesn't want to admit to it. She is driving my mother up a wall who is too forgiving and won't let her take responsibility for her actions. I'm more worried about my mother than my sister - she needs to be out of our house, preferably in some sort of treatment but even if it means her just finding her feet on her own, my mother needs her away from her no matter where she is. It's making me more angry than anything, I turn 20 in December and while I could move out in the fall if I needed to, I'd really rather not right now but my family life is so fucked up I don't know what to do. I've talked to her multiple times about how she's enabling her, how things will only get better if you be strict, how she's emotionally tearing you to shreds, but she always gives in. I'm tempted to call 911 the next time she's wasted just to force her out of here (I've been physically attacked by her once) which, as sad as it is, I'm very ready to do it. What do you think is the best idea here?

 

[Ambitious]

My social anxiety (or whatever my problem is called) is ruining my life.
I'm now 26, and I don't have any friends. Zero. There's one ex-coworker I would call a close acquaintance, but not really a true friend.

I don't go out. I spend most of my time alone at home. I only leave it when I have to, like for university lectures, to go shopping or soon for work too. But as soon as I'm done with whatever I went out for, I basically run home. I don't literally run, but I head straight home without staying any longer than I have to.
Of course, each semester I get to know some people because of group assignments, but when the semester ends, all contact breaks off. They don't contact me, and I can't bring myself to contact them either.

My twenties should have been the best time of my life, but I wasted them. I should have made so many friends, have found love, explored the world, learned as much as possible, but I spent the last few years alone, at home, being depressed, bitter and feeling empty.


Now, the reason why I finally posted here: Last Saturday, just two days ago, I finally went out to a meetup. You might have seen the How in the fuck do you make friends in your late twenties thread. Most people indeed recommend to go to meetups or join some hobby groups in order to find friends.

So I did. It could have been the greatest evening in years (I'm not exaggerating), but my anxiety ruined it.
I arrived a bit too early. There were only two guys present: One of the organizers, and another newcomer. It was fine. We introduced ourselves, had a bit of smalltalk. I asked some questions. I didn't stutter or talk way too fast to understand, which I usually do when I get anxious. No, I felt super comfortable. That's because I'm usually totally fine being around a small number of strangers, but I can't deal with bigger crowds.

Then about four more regulars arrived. I started to get a bit nervous, but I still talked to them.

But then, the rest of the regulars arrived. We ended up approximately twenty guests in total. And that when my anxiety returned to full strength. I listened to their conversations, but I wasn't able to participate anymore. I just couldn't open my mouth anymore.
You know, they were super friendly. Like, I really have to stress that. Super nice guys. And nonetheless, I was too scared to talk.

At some point, the four guys around me started to talk about TV series and video games. That's two topics I could talk hours about, and I desperately wanted to join in, but I couldn't.

We were sitting at a long table. Because of this, we basically formed three groups: One group for each table end, and the persons in the center, which is where I was sitting. There was another newcomer at of the the table's ends. He was just a teenager. About 15, I'd estimate. Very shy and socially awkward. But at some point I looked in his way, and realized that even though he spent the first hour in silence, now he was actively conversing with the people in his group. He was having fun with them. I envied him.

At this point, I started to go through several phases of anger, bitterness, and sadness. I just silently stared at the table, while the people around me were having fun. After two hours of staring at the table, staring at my glass, or browsing GAF on my phone, I got up, said "bye" and left. Then I went home, got drunk, and cried.
I spent the majority of the following Sunday lying on the couch and daydreaming about how perfect that evening could have been, and being depressed about how it actually turned out for me.


What the hell has become of me? This is so pathetic. I've ruined it, again.

They meet once every month. I would like to attend again in four weeks, but I'm way too embarrassed. What are they thinking of me now? Just staring at the goddamn table for hours?!

 

[Fall Into The GAF]

I have a new fear setting in and this time, its another 'health anxiety' thing. Now granted, I had this worry a lot ever since 2013 maybe? It was sparked by dealing with my mom's chronic pain issues and pain issues I have been having. Now it has gotten to a point where I fear it's something severe (like MS) and that I will live the rest of my life in chronic, agonizing, physical pain. The experiences I have had with dealing with my mom's issues compounds that 20 times over.

They meet once every month. I would like to attend again in four weeks, but I'm way too embarrassed. What are they thinking of me now? Just staring at the goddamn table for hours?!

If you're a newbie at these groups, I don't think they'll hold it against you. If the group is decently sized and has been around long enough, I suspect the hosts/regulars are used to having new people phase in and out. I would highly encourage that you go for a second time and take the first experience has a learning lesson and/or mulligan. It's not unlike fighting a boss in a Dark Souls-esque game, eating dirt for the first couple rounds, but after awhile you get into a groove where the boss isn't so bossy anymore.

 

[Blackquill]

Stopped my meds. I think it's responsible for my weight gains and my insomnia, which seems the case.

However, with some infortunate events in my life combined with this sudden change, I started to really feel a lot of anger resulting of me throwing out things with violence.

I completely break my phone, now I don't have any for a moment (not a problem since nobody message me anyway)

But I can really commit something really bad next time. By that I mean breaking down a thing that could really be harmful for me (like my computer for example) And I don't want it to happen.

Also I go sometimes to the therapist and I have now weekly group where I am with other teenagers and we talk about everything that bothers us. But that doesn't help me at all.

To be honest I really need help, my emotions really start to mess up my life.

 

[Astral Dog]

Anyone else feel reluctant to talk about their depression, anxiety and other mental health issues with other people including friends and family? On the outside it looks as though I'm normal but I'm really suffering and struggling every day, if I were to tell anyone they would do one of these things: not believe me and just brush it off as me whining (not directly but implicitly), not even consider it a serious problem because it's not physical, just give me a blank look and change the subject. As a result just thinking of saying "my anxiety" or "my depression" makes me feel overwhelmingly selfish and entitled.

People say that because they either dont understand, are too selfish themselves, dont even notice, or it makes them angry. Talking (or showing symptoms) about depression is something that unfortunately its very difficult to do with most people, ive been trying, from my own experkence you cant feel comfortable unless that person knows about those themes, or has experienced severe depression him/herself.
A lot of different reactions from brushing off, ignoring, laughing,calling names, feeling uncomfortable, even violence. And a bit of support as well, but its difficult.

On the other hand at least we can talk about it on certain places, for example the clinic i go to this lady was saying how her family(except her son and one sister) does not get she is depressed, and instead of helping just criticizes her, worse now that she had to move. Talking to each other was a relief, as many people just dont get how it feels but we do feel better talking about it.talking without fear of being judged for something we cant control should be easy and painless, but unfortunately its not.

 

[Raynes]

This is me.

Glad to hear it's not just me in a box.

Talking about your issues shouldn't make you feel selfish or entitled. Despite what reaction it may generate from friends/family, anxiety and depression are serious and it's good to talk about them. If you don't have people to confide in I'd really recommend seeking professional help (well, I recommend that no matter what). Hell, I guess talking about how we're feeling is partly what this thread is for .

I think it pretty much ruins all my relationships that I brought it up in, since people always act in one of the ways I listed, I can not longer think of them in a positive light. I guess that's what a therapist is for, venting in a space that's isolated from the rest of the world where your safe from judgmental and insensitive eyes. I do appreciate that I can vent here as well of course.

People say that because they either dont understand, are too selfish themselves, dont even notice, or it makes them angry. Talking (or showing symptoms) about depression is something that unfortunately its very difficult to do with most people, ive been trying, from my own experkence you cant feel comfortable unless that person knows about those themes, or has experienced severe depression him/herself.
A lot of different reactions from brushing off, ignoring, laughing,calling names, feeling uncomfortable, even violence. And a bit of support as well, but its difficult.

On the other hand at least we can talk about it on certain places, for example the clinic i go to this lady was saying how her family(except her son and one sister) does not get she is depressed, and instead of helping just criticizes her, worse now that she had to move. Talking to each other was a relief, as many people just dont get how it feels but we do feel better talking about it.talking without fear of being judged for something we cant control should be easy and painless, but unfortunately its not.

My family don't even acknowledge it despite my symptoms leaking out involuntarily (perhaps subconsciously as a cry for help). They are themselves a big cause of my depression so when they act this way it just aggravates my condition further. A day after I have some sort of breakdown they'll act as normal and ask when I'll get a job. Has the lady you're talking about found a way to deal with her family?

 

[Astral Dog]

Glad to hear it's not just me in a box.



I think it pretty much ruins all my relationships that I brought it up in, since people always act in one of the ways I listed, I can not longer think of them in a positive light. I guess that's what a therapist is for, venting in a space that's isolated from the rest of the world where your safe from judgmental and insensitive eyes. I do appreciate that I can vent here as well of course.



My family don't even acknowledge it despite my symptoms leaking out involuntarily (perhaps subconsciously as a cry for help). They are themselves a big cause of my depression so when they act this way it just aggravates my condition further. A day after I have some sort of breakdown they'll act as normal and ask when I'll get a job. Has the lady you're talking about found a way to deal with her family?

Sometimes its the closest that make the most harm ;( i get what you mean, patience and meditation .

She? Well she stays in her room alot and takes alot of medicine, thats not the way to get better, but i didnt talk much about that.
Just said she got better with her pregnancy and well, now is trying to drive around this town, we are taking electromagnetism teraphy and it has worked well with me, her son brings her over.

Edit: not much help but, what i mean,
Here we all get what you are going through.cant do much but feel free to say what you want here.

 

[Blackquill]

People say that because they either dont understand, are too selfish themselves, dont even notice, or it makes them angry. Talking (or showing symptoms) about depression is something that unfortunately its very difficult to do with most people, ive been trying, from my own experkence you cant feel comfortable unless that person knows about those themes, or has experienced severe depression him/herself.
A lot of different reactions from brushing off, ignoring, laughing,calling names, feeling uncomfortable, even violence. And a bit of support as well, but its difficult.

On the other hand at least we can talk about it on certain places, for example the clinic i go to this lady was saying how her family(except her son and one sister) does not get she is depressed, and instead of helping just criticizes her, worse now that she had to move. Talking to each other was a relief, as many people just dont get how it feels but we do feel better talking about it.talking without fear of being judged for something we cant control should be easy and painless, but unfortunately its not.

The main reason why I talk about these problems with nobody

 

[Ambitious]

I would absolutely talk to others about my depression, if I just had someone to talk to. But I don't, which is one of the main causes of the depression.

Not sure whether it's a "real" depression - I haven't been officially diagnosed. But it sure feels that way. For what it's worth, I scored 9 on this PHQ-9 test. Might also be 10; I wasn't sure about one question.

I have a new fear setting in and this time, its another 'health anxiety' thing. Now granted, I had this worry a lot ever since 2013 maybe? It was sparked by dealing with my mom's chronic pain issues and pain issues I have been having. Now it has gotten to a point where I fear it's something severe (like MS) and that I will live the rest of my life in chronic, agonizing, physical pain. The experiences I have had with dealing with my mom's issues compounds that 20 times over.



If you're a newbie at these groups, I don't think they'll hold it against you. If the group is decently sized and has been around long enough, I suspect the hosts/regulars are used to having new people phase in and out. I would highly encourage that you go for a second time and take the first experience has a learning lesson and/or mulligan. It's not unlike fighting a boss in a Dark Souls-esque game, eating dirt for the first couple rounds, but after awhile you get into a groove where the boss isn't so bossy anymore.

Well, apart from being a meetup for the regulars, it's indeed meant to be an event where newcomers can inform themselves, learn from the others and talk openly, which I'm sure isn't easy for many people. But still.. I fear that at least the subset of people who actually noticed me will now consider me "the weirdo" and not want to talk to me at all.

That other newcomer, the shy 15 year old? It's fine for him to be shy in this situation. Unless I missed someone, all other guests were adults, most of them probably over 20. It's totally fine for him to be a bit shy and quiet. But not me. I'm 26. I'm supposed to be a normal member of society.

 

[Teriyaki Blues]

I would absolutely talk to others about my depression, if I just had someone to talk to. But I don't, which is one of the main causes of the depression.

Not sure whether it's a "real" depression - I haven't been officially diagnosed. But it sure feels that way. For what it's worth, I scored 9 on this PHQ-9 test. Might also be 10; I wasn't sure about one question.

Well, apart from being a meetup for the regulars, it's indeed meant to be an event where newcomers can inform themselves, learn from the others and talk openly, which I'm sure isn't easy for many people. But still.. I fear that at least the subset of people who actually noticed me will now consider me "the weirdo" and not want to talk to me at all.

That other newcomer, the shy 15 year old? It's fine for him to be shy in this situation. Unless I missed someone, all other guests were adults, most of them probably over 20. It's totally fine for him to be a bit shy and quiet. But not me. I'm 26. I'm supposed to be a normal member of society.

It is fine to be shy at any age, I'm pretty sure everyone is scared of rejection on some level when making new connections with other people. I know I am, and I'm almost 40. Keeping in mind if this meetup group is like the ones I've gone to, there are going to be some people who won't open up more until they get a sense of permanence from you, as they're probably used to seeing newbies who ditch after a few meetups, as Fall Into The GAF already pointed out.

What kind of activities are going on at these meetups? Can you jump into a game with people and use that as a jumping off point? Asking someone how their food/drink is? Complimenting someone on a shirt from a game/show/etcetera that you like? Can you maybe just focus on one person for a set period of time to kind of put social anxiety blinders on? Is it a StreetPass group where you can retreat into your 3DS a bit if things get overwhelming? There is absolutely no shame involved in vocalizing discomfort or needing time to regroup, even jamming to the bathroom or retreating into your phone for a minute if you get sensory overload may help.

Exposure therapy for social anxiety only works if you keep doing it, which is the part I have a hard time with, due to transportation/scheduling conflicts, since meetups around me usually happen on Saturdays. (Oh, and by the way, textbook social anxiety there, including the overwhelming negative feedback loop about how you "blew it" at the end of the day, bonus "points" if it gave you insomnia, but I'm not a doctor, so talk to one as soon as you can! And by the way, I don't think you did blow it, and mental illness doesn't really have a scoring system, just in case the quotes didn't make that clear.)

 

[Martal]

Hey guys, just want to get this off my chest.

Im panicking. I acknowledge that I feel an inexplainable dread. I have a deadline coming up, tomorrow. This kind of feeling is very familiar to me, from previous deadline. I fear what is about to come, although I shouldnt. Its just an exam. I am too afraid of failing that I can't study. I feel there is no point to start, because it feels impossible and overwhelming. At the same time, I can't relax. I feel I should be doing something. But doing something fills me with more and more dread.

I am afraid.

Help.

 

[StrongBelwas]

I'm fat. I'm not just fat I'm fucking obese. I have man tits, have to buy my clothes online because there is no way I'm fitting into anything off the shelf. I've been this way for sure since secondary school. Maybe I wasn't fat before then but I always felt like I was I remember being embarrassed of my body in swimming even in junior school.

I'm shy and have no confidence. I hate to talk in front of people. I hate to talk to people it makes me uncomfortable. The weird thing is when I do finally feel comfortable with someone I go the opposite way never shutting up, probably talking to much.

I think that my social problems are linked to my weight, I don't know if this is true or not but I often think how amazing my life would be if I wasn't fat.

Despite this it's never enough to motivate me to actually commit. Lately I'm trying but I just always give up. I was eating well Monday and Tuesday then tonight just ate a bag of mini cream eggs. This inability to change just makes me hate myself more.

Recently my dad died, I feel ashamed he passed away without me having a career, a relationship, basically knowing I would be okay.

I'm currently unemployed. "Real" jobs seem overwhelming to me, despite having a university degree I just feel I couldn't do any job I see advertised. I also hate working lower grade jobs feeling embarrassed working there knowing I'm better than that job, but not feeling good enough for any other job.

I'm not close with my family, our family is so dysfunctional I have two older brothers that don't talk to each other and a suicidal younger sister with substance abuse problems. I don't talk to my family about any of my personal life, I don't know if this is also linked to my weight, I just don't like to share. I hate to feel vulnerable which is weird because I guess every day I am feeling useless, hopeless, alone and vulnerable.

I dnt really think about killing myself, but often wish I could sleep forever. Life is to hard and sometimes I'm tired of trying to participate. I feel like I'm wasting a life someone else could have had. I feel like I've failed my parents, I couldn't really care what my siblings think but wish I had done better by my mom and dad.

Maybe these problems are linked to my weight or maybe if I lose weight I'll just be a skinny guy thinking these thoughts.

 

[MattyG]

I'm going to start going to therapy. I got so drunk on St Patrick's that I lost my keys, spent the night sobbing to my roommate and being incoherent, and I don't remember any of it.

One of the things I also didn't remember is that I said one of my best friends who I have feelings for would "sleep with anyone". I don't think that, and I would never say that about anyone, but apparently I did and it hurt her. She hasn't talked to me since Friday and said she needs space until Tuesday. I didn't even find out why she was mad until today, and I don't remember it. This is the second time I've done something to humiliate myself and alienate her while I've been drinking, and that's a problem.

My depression and anger reached a fever pitch last week, and I tried to solve it with alcohol. I hate who I am, and I've been thinking about the ways I want to change, and this incident has convinced me that I need to. I'm going to start going to therapy and doing whatever else I need to. I can't keep fucking up and letting my depression and anger get the best of me. I'm just worried that every time I identify and try to fix something, I fuck it up even worse. I can't keep living like this much longer.

 

[Windam]

I just wish I was dead.

 

[Martal]

I just wish I was dead.

I was with you yesterday! Now I feel better!

Whenever you feel like this, just try to talk to someone :/

 

[Piano]

I've been a mess since my long time girlfriend broke up with me a month and a half ago because of me being a general piece of shit. Since then, everything has just felt hopeless and empty. Part of me says not to worry and calm down because I still have my whole life ahead of me. A bigger part of me is super bummed out that I have my whole life ahead of me. Im at a transitioning point of my life since I graduate college in a month and a half and everything is just so frightening. Day by day, I find it more compelling to quit it all. I've only self harmed once so that's a plus I guess

I really wish I wasn't like this. I really wish I could normally socialize with people.


I dont even know why Im posting this. I guess I just need to empty out my thoughts to someone who won't just consider me a huge bummer

I'm sorry things are tough right now, Bubbavelli. Big breakups are never easy. I've been dealing with the aftermath of one over the past few months, myself. Surely the big questions that are bumming you out are brought on partly by the breakup, but they're likely still worth exploring.

Have you considered seeking counseling?

Depression is flooding back.
My brothers went to Disneyland without me, no one asked me if I could come, I had the money, no one told me, everyone then comes to my moms house where I live and brag about the trip.

My family just does not care about me at all. I'm just a loser am I? I see happiness everywhere I go and I despise myself.

I do not think others being inconsiderate jerks makes you a loser, mreddie. Their attitudes reflect poorly on them, not you.

It's now been a year since I was officially diagnosed with PTSD.

I'm still here.

I am alive.

I... My birthday is coming up and I want a happy birthday as I don't want drama. I hope it goes well. Haven't broken down in a few weeks but last time was BAD... During my best friend's wedding of all places.

I was wailing and couldn't stop for near 20 minutes. Thank god I was able to get away...


It is odd knowing that the likelihood of this ever stopping and going away is... it is odd.

Happy Birthday, HUELEN. I hope it is a peaceful one.

Might be better for it's own discussion but in addition with dealing with my own issues - OCD and some minor depression/anxiety as well, there's a massive elephant in the room I need some advice on as soon as possible. Knowing this much my oldest sister suffers from bipolar disorder, and probably some other things I'm not aware of (or she is) but more importantly is also a drug addict who doesn't want to admit to it. She is driving my mother up a wall who is too forgiving and won't let her take responsibility for her actions. I'm more worried about my mother than my sister - she needs to be out of our house, preferably in some sort of treatment but even if it means her just finding her feet on her own, my mother needs her away from her no matter where she is. It's making me more angry than anything, I turn 20 in December and while I could move out in the fall if I needed to, I'd really rather not right now but my family life is so fucked up I don't know what to do. I've talked to her multiple times about how she's enabling her, how things will only get better if you be strict, how she's emotionally tearing you to shreds, but she always gives in. I'm tempted to call 911 the next time she's wasted just to force her out of here (I've been physically attacked by her once) which, as sad as it is, I'm very ready to do it. What do you think is the best idea here?

Involuntarily admission to treatment is a tough situation to consider, c_a, and as such, I don't think I can rightly make a call on what you should or should not do. While I know folks who have gone through involuntary admit scenarios and have come out much stronger and healthier for it and were ultimately thankful that they were taken into treatment, it can also anger people. Ultimately there probably isn't a perfectly right call here; no matter what decision you make there will be pros and cons.

Is there really no possibility of finding a consensus with your mother about the issues? Sometimes calm persistence can do wonders, especially if someone knows something but just isn't admitting it.

Stopped my meds. I think it's responsible for my weight gains and my insomnia, which seems the case.

However, with some infortunate events in my life combined with this sudden change, I started to really feel a lot of anger resulting of me throwing out things with violence.

I completely break my phone, now I don't have any for a moment (not a problem since nobody message me anyway)

But I can really commit something really bad next time. By that I mean breaking down a thing that could really be harmful for me (like my computer for example) And I don't want it to happen.

Also I go sometimes to the therapist and I have now weekly group where I am with other teenagers and we talk about everything that bothers us. But that doesn't help me at all.

To be honest I really need help, my emotions really start to mess up my life.

What you describe is concerning, Blackquill. Are you receiving any ongoing mental health treatment? Did you discontinue your medications under the supervision of a doctor?

People say that because they either dont understand, are too selfish themselves, dont even notice, or it makes them angry. Talking (or showing symptoms) about depression is something that unfortunately its very difficult to do with most people, ive been trying, from my own experkence you cant feel comfortable unless that person knows about those themes, or has experienced severe depression him/herself.
A lot of different reactions from brushing off, ignoring, laughing,calling names, feeling uncomfortable, even violence. And a bit of support as well, but its difficult.

On the other hand at least we can talk about it on certain places, for example the clinic i go to this lady was saying how her family(except her son and one sister) does not get she is depressed, and instead of helping just criticizes her, worse now that she had to move. Talking to each other was a relief, as many people just dont get how it feels but we do feel better talking about it.talking without fear of being judged for something we cant control should be easy and painless, but unfortunately its not.

The longer I've been dealing with these issues, the more I've been able to learn how to present them to other people and somewhat quickly gauge how much they're able to engage or understand with what I'm going through. Most people can understand / empathize / be supportive to some extent, it's just a matter of how we engage them in the whole thing.

Certainly, it's all complicated by the lack of any universal understanding of emotions. I used to think because I have been through "depression" and others were going through "depression" then I knew what they were going through. I don't. Nobody does. All of us are feeling our own emotions with no way to objectively compare them. There are doubtless many similarities, but we most often use language to communicate our emotions and that language is quite limited. I've started to pick up on other ways I can find others who actually have had similar experiences to me, though, and it often has to do with their taste in art, sense of humor, and other little things that we don't realize our emotional palette shapes.

I would absolutely talk to others about my depression, if I just had someone to talk to. But I don't, which is one of the main causes of the depression.

Not sure whether it's a "real" depression - I haven't been officially diagnosed. But it sure feels that way. For what it's worth, I scored 9 on this PHQ-9 test. Might also be 10; I wasn't sure about one question.



Well, apart from being a meetup for the regulars, it's indeed meant to be an event where newcomers can inform themselves, learn from the others and talk openly, which I'm sure isn't easy for many people. But still.. I fear that at least the subset of people who actually noticed me will now consider me "the weirdo" and not want to talk to me at all.

That other newcomer, the shy 15 year old? It's fine for him to be shy in this situation. Unless I missed someone, all other guests were adults, most of them probably over 20. It's totally fine for him to be a bit shy and quiet. But not me. I'm 26. I'm supposed to be a normal member of society.

You're the only one judging what you are "supposed" to be, Ambitious. My knowledge of the social code may not be exhaustive, but it's strong enough for me to confidently say that first impressions can be redefined and you are not a social pariah.

I agree with the general sentiment others have expressed that social skills are just that, skills, a skillset, one that we must continually train and develop and that can be developed further at any time in life. There are sometimes when I'm around people and I can just "flow" through conversations and social situations but most of the time I'm using skills I've learned to navigate through heaps of social anxiety.

I hope you can keep at it and keep challenging yourself and keep open to what it teaches you and how you can continue to grow. It is uncomfortable, yes - but we can rarely grow, personally, without a great deal of discomfort.

Hey guys, just want to get this off my chest.

Im panicking. I acknowledge that I feel an inexplainable dread. I have a deadline coming up, tomorrow. This kind of feeling is very familiar to me, from previous deadline. I fear what is about to come, although I shouldnt. Its just an exam. I am too afraid of failing that I can't study. I feel there is no point to start, because it feels impossible and overwhelming. At the same time, I can't relax. I feel I should be doing something. But doing something fills me with more and more dread.

I am afraid.

Help.

I hope you made it through the deadline okay, Martal. Were you able to weather your panic?

I'm fat. I'm not just fat I'm fucking obese. I have man tits, have to buy my clothes online because there is no way I'm fitting into anything off the shelf. I've been this way for sure since secondary school. Maybe I wasn't fat before then but I always felt like I was I remember being embarrassed of my body in swimming even in junior school.

I'm shy and have no confidence. I hate to talk in front of people. I hate to talk to people it makes me uncomfortable. The weird thing is when I do finally feel comfortable with someone I go the opposite way never shutting up, probably talking to much.

I think that my social problems are linked to my weight, I don't know if this is true or not but I often think how amazing my life would be if I wasn't fat.

Despite this it's never enough to motivate me to actually commit. Lately I'm trying but I just always give up. I was eating well Monday and Tuesday then tonight just ate a bag of mini cream eggs. This inability to change just makes me hate myself more.

Recently my dad died, I feel ashamed he passed away without me having a career, a relationship, basically knowing I would be okay.

I'm currently unemployed. "Real" jobs seem overwhelming to me, despite having a university degree I just feel I couldn't do any job I see advertised. I also hate working lower grade jobs feeling embarrassed working there knowing I'm better than that job, but not feeling good enough for any other job.

I'm not close with my family, our family is so dysfunctional I have two older brothers that don't talk to each other and a suicidal younger sister with substance abuse problems. I don't talk to my family about any of my personal life, I don't know if this is also linked to my weight, I just don't like to share. I hate to feel vulnerable which is weird because I guess every day I am feeling useless, hopeless, alone and vulnerable.

I dnt really think about killing myself, but often wish I could sleep forever. Life is to hard and sometimes I'm tired of trying to participate. I feel like I'm wasting a life someone else could have had. I feel like I've failed my parents, I couldn't really care what my siblings think but wish I had done better by my mom and dad.

Maybe these problems are linked to my weight or maybe if I lose weight I'll just be a skinny guy thinking these thoughts.

It seems likely to me, Strong Belwas, that your weight is at least somewhat tied to more general emotional circumstances. It sounds like this a bigger issue than one of physique - one that involves motivation, self-hatred, feelings of acceptance, loss, and likely many more. The only way to make something like losing weight sustainable is to get a sense of what factors got us into a different place originally so we can unwind those factors and not end up back in the same place repeatedly.

Have you considered seeking mental health treatment?

I'm going to start going to therapy. I got so drunk on St Patrick's that I lost my keys, spent the night sobbing to my roommate and being incoherent, and I don't remember any of it.

One of the things I also didn't remember is that I said one of my best friends who I have feelings for would "sleep with anyone". I don't think that, and I would never say that about anyone, but apparently I did and it hurt her. She hasn't talked to me since Friday and said she needs space until Tuesday. I didn't even find out why she was mad until today, and I don't remember it. This is the second time I've done something to humiliate myself and alienate her while I've been drinking, and that's a problem.

My depression and anger reached a fever pitch last week, and I tried to solve it with alcohol. I hate who I am, and I've been thinking about the ways I want to change, and this incident has convinced me that I need to. I'm going to start going to therapy and doing whatever else I need to. I can't keep fucking up and letting my depression and anger get the best of me. I'm just worried that every time I identify and try to fix something, I fuck it up even worse. I can't keep living like this much longer.

Good on you, MattyG. If you have any questions about therapy, finding a therapist, etc, please feel free to post them. Here's a post I wrote a while back on what sorts of treatment options are out there.

In the meantime, I'd advise against alcohol. It's like taking out a loan on happiness, and you have to pay it back with interest.

I just wish I was dead.

I'm sorry you're suffering, Windam. What's going on?

<3

 

[User 479360]

I'm not rich by any means, but spent $300 to help quell my OCD, and I kind of feel like an idiot.

I got a New 3DS XL as a gift, and have been using it a bit here and there, but my OCD has prevented me from taking it out of my house. Well, even out of my the room I normally game in. I keep it in a drawer, hate when even a bit of dust gets on it, won't use my finger on the touchscreen, etc.

I was able to start using another handheld I have at any time, without having to worry about showering or washing my hands thoroughly beforehand, but I couldn't do it with the 3DS because I cared about it more. My OCD was/is attached to it more.

So, I rushed out and bought one of the Pokemon ones recently, and spent almost $300 on it. Just so that I could keep one clean and use one wherever I go. I'll hardly use the second one, but just knowing it'll be there and perfect helps me.

I haven't opened the second one, but likely will. I'm debating selling it. But I did manage to bring the first one upstairs and use it today. I have a big backlog of DS/3DS games, and need to play some for work, so only being able to use it in one room, while perfectly clean, etc. was tough.

But I'm kicking myself for 'wasting' $300. Even if it was part of backpay I got for getting on disability.

 

[Steamlord]

The imipramine didn't work so now I'm tapering off of that and starting gabapentin. After trying so many drugs with no results, I'm pretty skeptical about this one too. My psychiatrist seems to be running out of ideas. He mentioned MAOIs as a last resort but I'd obviously like to avoid those if possible, and there's no guarantee they would work either. He did also refer me to a doctor who specializes in neurofeedback. Based on some quick research it seems there's a lot of debate over whether neurofeedback works at all, but I mean, I've even tried hypnotherapy at this point so if my insurance covers it I might as well give it a try.

 

[BrianRoyale]

I'm autistic (asperger's before they removed it as a diagnosis) but wasn't diagnosed until I was a teenager. Once my mom figured out I wasn't handling the public school system very well, I was put into various private and alternative schools, which were a much better fit for me. The alternative high school I went to was especially excellent and a great primer for college, as the class sizes were small and the students were all on a first name basis with the teachers.

It contributes a great deal to my mental health but as I've aged, I've become increasingly aware of its triggers and have developed coping mechanisms to help me deal with the mood swings (and especially the anxiety). They're still there though, especially if I'm put into unfamiliar situations.

Thank you for the reply, i appreciate it, sorry it was so late getting back to this. One thing I do want to be aware of is making sure Owen (my son) has the best situation for him to excel, mostly in the school setting. Currently he's in a preschool for special education (his teacher is fantastic and he loves her) and he'll go into a moderate class for transitional Kindergarten. So far things have been good, but I'll be sure to be as aware as possible to make sure he's doing well. They did say he's on track to move into regular classes starting Kindergarten, I just want him to be in the right place.

He's grown a lot though even since I wrote that post, participating a lot more in social things and making friends at school.

 

[Oxn]

I'm not rich by any means, but spent $300 to help quell my OCD, and I kind of feel like an idiot.

I got a New 3DS XL as a gift, and have been using it a bit here and there, but my OCD has prevented me from taking it out of my house. Well, even out of my the room I normally game in. I keep it in a drawer, hate when even a bit of dust gets on it, won't use my finger on the touchscreen, etc.

I was able to start using another handheld I have at any time, without having to worry about showering or washing my hands thoroughly beforehand, but I couldn't do it with the 3DS because I cared about it more. My OCD was/is attached to it more.

So, I rushed out and bought one of the Pokemon ones recently, and spent almost $300 on it. Just so that I could keep one clean and use one wherever I go. I'll hardly use the second one, but just knowing it'll be there and perfect helps me.

I haven't opened the second one, but likely will. I'm debating selling it. But I did manage to bring the first one upstairs and use it today. I have a big backlog of DS/3DS games, and need to play some for work, so only being able to use it in one room, while perfectly clean, etc. was tough.

But I'm kicking myself for 'wasting' $300. Even if it was part of backpay I got for getting on disability.

I feel you, ive done things like this for things/games i care about.

I bought 2 ps4s. Multiple copies of my favorite rpgs to keep sealed.

 

[Astral Dog]

I




The longer I've been dealing with these issues, the more I've been able to learn how to present them to other people and somewhat quickly gauge how much they're able to engage or understand with what I'm going through. Most people can understand / empathize / be supportive to some extent, it's just a matter of how we engage them in the whole thing.

Certainly, it's all complicated by the lack of any universal understanding of emotions. I used to think because I have been through "depression" and others were going through "depression" then I knew what they were going through. I don't. Nobody does. All of us are feeling our own emotions with no way to objectively compare them. There are doubtless many similarities, but we most often use language to communicate our emotions and that language is quite limited. I've started to pick up on other ways I can find others who actually have had similar experiences to me, though, and it often has to do with their taste in art, sense of humor, and other little things that we don't realize our emotional palette shapes.

<3

did that comment sound too negative? its certainly complicated to show emotions, even with nonspoke language many people wont notice because it seems they cant know or dont care, its true that we have to find the way to work with those issues and communicate them properly with other people, as certain ways wont work on one person but can work on another, the problem is when they dont teach you how or how do you learn by yourself...its a big struggle.

 

[Lkr]

Does anyone have any intimacy/trust issues? I feel this is a problem with my OCD. If I'm not in complete control over a situation I get too much fear and then avoid it. I struggle with talking to other people and telling them things bc I know they will tell other people and for some reason this has an effect on me.
Just wondering if anyone has some coping mechanisms for this, it's definitely something I need to bring up in therapy. The problem there is the trust/intimacy issues and sharing this problem with someone. Way easier for me to post about it on gaf than talk about it

 

[User 479360]

I feel you, ive done things like this for things/games i care about.

I bought 2 ps4s. Multiple copies of my favorite rpgs to keep sealed.

Glad I'm not alone.

Gotta say I feel like an idiot, though.

 

[Lkr]

Glad I'm not alone.

Gotta say I feel like an idiot, though.

You're definitely not alone in the feeling, but I've never explicitly bought two systems. When I was a kid I didn't take my PSP out of the house. That thing looked so nice and I didn't want it to get dirty. As a kid I couldn't resist playing games with my friends so this only lasted a week or two until I was taking it to play with friends.

 

[User 479360]

You're definitely not alone in the feeling, but I've never explicitly bought two systems. When I was a kid I didn't take my PSP out of the house. That thing looked so nice and I didn't want it to get dirty. As a kid I couldn't resist playing games with my friends so this only lasted a week or two until I was taking it to play with friends.

See, I had OCD from age eight, but I never had this issue as a kid. Sure, I would ask my friends to wash their hands before they touched my stuff, but even that wasn't as bad as it has become over the last several years, where if they (or I) touch anything other than controllers, games, etc. then hands have to be rewashed.

I had a Game Boy Colour that I took to my trailer, my grandparents', etc. The same was true of my Discman. My friends would use both, and I never had a problem with it. But now I've become so protective and worrisome about my stuff.

This started when I got my first DS. After years of owning it (a Lite), I did take it with me to a concert. However, I knew I'd be selling it to a friend soon after.

 

[Steamlord]

Got another job interview. I've already taken a pre-employment assessment that I apparently did well on, but I still feel like I'm going to fuck up the interview spectacularly as usual and end up not getting the job anyway. Because that's what I do.

 

[chronic_archaic]

I feel you, ive done things like this for things/games i care about.

I bought 2 ps4s. Multiple copies of my favorite rpgs to keep sealed.

I have serious issues relating to OCD but it doesn't work in the ways you guys are explaining. My OCD works like a slot machine - let's say I'm at the store, and there's a stack of the same item I want. I'll pick one, but often my OCD tells me "if you buy this particular thing, X will happen" and I have to put it back and pick something else, and it can happen again. I wanted the 1TB Xbox One bundle last month but explicitly avoided it because the store that had it, I was told I couldn't buy it or else I would be cursed for the rest of my life, so I bought a 500GB one and USB hard drive later on. Just a couple examples of the sort of thing I deal with... because I don't see it brought up often anywhere. Most people assume I'm very tidy but I'm really not... goes to show how the word OCD can be so widely interpreted

 

[RoyaleDuke]

Haven't really been happy lately, things aren't going my way. The place that said it was going to hire me, and enticed me to try to get my industry badge and then talk to them after I got it, spent money my family needed for food and bills and money to register the car.

So yeah, the fact all the local places and the place that one of my oldest friends happens to be apart of the HR department for, and said they would get me a job there once I had my badge, I haven't heard from since I sent in my resume and information.

The HR people at these places won't even call me back, they just waste my time.

I can't believe I fell for that shit, and now I'm finding it's even harder to get a job in the marijuana industry than it is just to get a regular job.

One of the places wants a cover letter before they will even accept my resume, and then they will consider my resume, and then maybe call for an interview, and maybe an application after that if I interview well, if I get one. This was told straight to me over the phone.

What's worse is that because I missed a couple of appointments by accident due to all the stress, which I even told them I was having trouble. They didn't listen and they won't even let me schedule with my original therapist for almost a month, and they are putting me on PRN. I basically have to walk in and talk to whoever they happen to have available.

which is terrible because I just recently became comfortable with my current therapist.

Even worse I spent an hour waiting for a peer specialist, someone I was told that would be around my age and have experienced similar things as me. We're supposed to have coffee at this nice coffee bar, and I end up having to wait almost an hour to talk to the guy for 20 minutes. The guy shows up and he's a 60 year old retiree volunteer, with no teeth, has no interests, and I can barely understand what he says. It's like talking to mushmouth.

So, yeah I am gonna have to cancel that too.

My novel is coming along at least.

Not really happy about anything right now.

 

[Li Sama]

It is 2:07am PST local time here and I am having difficulty dealing with trying to sleep lately. I have a silly issue where I don't enjoy being around people, but when I'm not talking to people, or my girlfriend leaves for the weekend, I become extremely bored and suddenly start regretting my life on quiet nights and find it hard to not stop thinking.

I think, and I don't want to blame it on a specific person, but I have a lot hatred still pint up from a previous relationship last year, that quiet frankly wasn't very long. I think a lot of my mentality though is to an extent uncontrollable and I feel...like I am owed something and I have never felt that way in a common courtesy filled setting. I never feel like I'm owed anything but I have a real hard time telling myself that I am not, despite my morals when it comes to this old person I can't seem to forget.

My morals and my mind are in a constant battle and it's energy draining and feels horrible. I recently started working out last month and I have a generally normal sleeping schedule instead of usually staying up all night then when I was a kid. I think what makes it worse is a go to therapy....and while it does help, especially in me identifying my own issues, somehow I make myself feel even worse and once in a while he takes my old relationship and turns what I thought was a wrong choice into something to boost my moral and I feel like it's wrong. I'm drained and don't understand my morals as of late and I wonder if it isn't too late in my life to fix it before I start to put myself down even more.

 

[User 479360]

I have serious issues relating to OCD but it doesn't work in the ways you guys are explaining. My OCD works like a slot machine - let's say I'm at the store, and there's a stack of the same item I want. I'll pick one, but often my OCD tells me "if you buy this particular thing, X will happen" and I have to put it back and pick something else, and it can happen again. I wanted the 1TB Xbox One bundle last month but explicitly avoided it because the store that had it, I was told I couldn't buy it or else I would be cursed for the rest of my life, so I bought a 500GB one and USB hard drive later on. Just a couple examples of the sort of thing I deal with... because I don't see it brought up often anywhere. Most people assume I'm very tidy but I'm really not... goes to show how the word OCD can be so widely interpreted

That's really interesting. Sorry to hear it affects you that way.

I will sometimes pick the second or third copy of something when I'm out shopping. Say it's a controller on a rack. I'll dig through, look at all of them and pick one that's closer to the middle or back so that people haven't touched it, it's maybe not been dropped, etc.

I have to get the right feeling.

 

[Bagels]

The imipramine didn't work so now I'm tapering off of that and starting gabapentin. After trying so many drugs with no results, I'm pretty skeptical about this one too. My psychiatrist seems to be running out of ideas. He mentioned MAOIs as a last resort but I'd obviously like to avoid those if possible, and there's no guarantee they would work either. He did also refer me to a doctor who specializes in neurofeedback. Based on some quick research it seems there's a lot of debate over whether neurofeedback works at all, but I mean, I've even tried hypnotherapy at this point so if my insurance covers it I might as well give it a try.

An MAOI has changed my life. I went through all sorts of meds for my depression, with, at best, modest effects that then faded away.

I've been taking Parnate for about two years now. Within the first week of taking it, I felt different. Within two weeks, I felt better than I had in years. Adjusting the dose was no fun (went too high a dose, too fast), but I settled into a place where I feel like me again. I'm happy. I feel alive inside. I got my life back after over ten years of depression.

Docs get nervous with MAOIs because of the potential for serious dietary and medication interactions. On their own, they can blow newer drugs out of the water in terms of the speed and scale of response. You just need an older doc who trained with them and knows what they do.

The safety is a real concern, but the dietary restrictions are honestly not that bad. There are drugs you absolutely cannot talk along with an MAOI, and my response to everything from Benadryl to Klonopin has changed a lot.

BUT! aside from a few changes to my diet and the need to take a very minimal approach to any additional medications (fortunately I don't really have other health concerns), it's all so easy. I take a pill twice a day and I feel normal. The only side effect is some increase in headaches, which I can handle with Advil. For me, that is it. It's basically a miracle.

Unless you have a specific reason in mind to be extra wary of MAOIs, trying them is just not this huge risky thing that pepole seem to think.

 

[Fall Into The GAF]

In better news, I am being more productive with my creative projects, even with the dire employment prospects. I try not to think too hard about it (even though, according to some eggheads in OT, I should.) because at this time and place, I'd rather have lack of employment than lack of enjoyment. One problem however is that I can't seem to divorce negative fixation of a problem from motivation to fixing it. It feels unhealthy to think that being motivated by fear is what I should do to get things going. I hope that made sense.

 

[Steamlord]

An MAOI has changed my life. I went through all sorts of meds for my depression, with, at best, modest effects that then faded away.

I've been taking Parnate for about two years now. Within the first week of taking it, I felt different. Within two weeks, I felt better than I had in years. Adjusting the dose was no fun (went too high a dose, too fast), but I settled into a place where I feel like me again. I'm happy. I feel alive inside. I got my life back after over ten years of depression.

Docs get nervous with MAOIs because of the potential for serious dietary and medication interactions. On their own, they can blow newer drugs out of the water in terms of the speed and scale of response. You just need an older doc who trained with them and knows what they do.

The safety is a real concern, but the dietary restrictions are honestly not that bad. There are drugs you absolutely cannot talk along with an MAOI, and my response to everything from Benadryl to Klonopin has changed a lot.

BUT! aside from a few changes to my diet and the need to take a very minimal approach to any additional medications (fortunately I don't really have other health concerns), it's all so easy. I take a pill twice a day and I feel normal. The only side effect is some increase in headaches, which I can handle with Advil. For me, that is it. It's basically a miracle.

Unless you have a specific reason in mind to be extra wary of MAOIs, trying them is just not this huge risky thing that pepole seem to think.

Thanks for the info. My psychiatrist didn't seem to think it would be a huge deal to prescribe me an MAOI, he just wanted to exhaust the other options first.

 

[itsbenoclock]

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like life is objectively ok for me, I'm even starting to make music to occupy the time when I'm usually just browsing GAF etc. but these past few days I've felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness and pointlessness, seemingly for no reason. It's just this unshakeable feeling of depression alongside thoughts along the lines of "wouldn't it be great to be dead" et al.

I can't help but see no value in anything for some reason and I hate the feeling. I've long accepted there is no point to life beyond what we see before us, but for some reason this past week everything feels extra worthless and upsetting, just simple things like having a pizza delivered because I couldn't find the energy to cook, when the guy arrived I felt like such a loser for some reason, eating alone on a Friday night. Life is so precious and I'm wasting away in a student house in England. I wasted my teenage years giving up on talents so instead I'm trying to learn new things and languages now, years too late.

I don't even know, I feel stupid just writing this and thinking I should just get on with life because every second I spend here is another wasted, but sometimes I just don't want to get on with it

 

[Ledhead]

I have serious issues relating to OCD but it doesn't work in the ways you guys are explaining. My OCD works like a slot machine - let's say I'm at the store, and there's a stack of the same item I want. I'll pick one, but often my OCD tells me "if you buy this particular thing, X will happen" and I have to put it back and pick something else, and it can happen again. I wanted the 1TB Xbox One bundle last month but explicitly avoided it because the store that had it, I was told I couldn't buy it or else I would be cursed for the rest of my life, so I bought a 500GB one and USB hard drive later on. Just a couple examples of the sort of thing I deal with... because I don't see it brought up often anywhere. Most people assume I'm very tidy but I'm really not... goes to show how the word OCD can be so widely interpreted

OCD can manifest itself in all manners of way, sometimes revolving around physical things (as in a fixation or reaction to things outside the mind and in the 'real world') or internal things (thoughts inside the mind). Mine revolves primarily around intrusive thoughts which is for the most part a mental affair. I have a voice in my head which tells me things and endlessly fights and argues with me, as well as thoughts which are often quite disturbing and horrific being pushed into the forefront of my mind. I used to obsess and ruminate over these thoughts for years, constantly trying to prove the 'voice' wrong 100%. I needed absolute certainty no matter how irrational the issue was. My quality of life suffered considerably.I was no longer living the life I wished to live. I was a slave to my illness.

I'm sorry your OCD is affecting you in this way. That said, i'm certain there are strategies and tools you can acquire which are catered to the form of OCD you specifically deal with. I recommend, if possible, you seek professional help. It helped me take back control and address the root issues of my OCD, which in turn has allowed me to take steps towards living my life according to my own will as opposed to simply reacting and catering my behaviour around my OCD. While there is no miracle cure to these illnesses, they can be managed and mitigated. You deserve to live in a way which is not dictated by your mental illness. I wish you the best of luck. Know that you are not alone.

My depression and anger reached a fever pitch last week, and I tried to solve it with alcohol. I hate who I am, and I've been thinking about the ways I want to change, and this incident has convinced me that I need to. I'm going to start going to therapy and doing whatever else I need to. I can't keep fucking up and letting my depression and anger get the best of me. I'm just worried that every time I identify and try to fix something, I fuck it up even worse. I can't keep living like this much longer.

I applaud you for admitting that you need help, and am happy to hear that you are taking the steps you feel are necessary to address your issues. I know it's not easy, but you owe it to yourself to achieve the best quality of life you can. I know I was very reluctant to seek any sort of help for years. Eventually, things got so bad that I realized enough is enough...I can't keep living this way, and I need to make a change.

Just my experience regarding professional help: It can take several sessions to really see any sort of improvement, and that in itself can be frustrating. It can take a while to narrow down your issues and really dig at the root causes of what you might be dealing with. In addition, it can take time to develop an appropriate plan with your doctor to address your unique situation. I stuck with therapy, and am really happy that I did. I'm still seeing my doctor, but our sessions are slowly tapering off. I'm nowhere near perfect and never will be, but things are getting better little by little, and that itself is very encouraging. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Bagels]

Thanks for the info. My psychiatrist didn't seem to think it would be a huge deal to prescribe me an MAOI, he just wanted to exhaust the other options first.

I have a new psychiatrist (after moving and having to leave behind my psychiatrist, who was an exceptional psychopharmacologist, I have now been seeing an NP. She was happy to continue what was working for me, but did not feel comfortable making any changes to an MAOI without more input) and we just had our first meeting the other day. He trained in the early 80s and he was telling me they used to have people on an MAOI AND a tricyclic, which worked really well, but which you could basically never do today. The difference is, back then you could keep someone in the hospital for a few weeks and adjust their meds. Now, the psych ward is for suicidal people, and you are lucky to get a few days.

Anyway, he has a lot of experience with MAOIs and he is the guy they send people in this part of the state if they want to try them on an MAOI. People are just terrified of them, to the point where MAOIs are used only as last resorts, as you said. Here, my doc said the standard practice is to use MAOIs almost exclusively on people who have failed ECT. That seems crazy to me. The things you need to avoid when on the meds are well known. It's not even like lithium, where you need regular blood tests and stuff. You just avoid certain foods and meds and you're totally safe.

If you have a patient who will take the seriousness of the interactions to heart, and who will take the pills as prescribed, getting all the way to trying ECT before you'll consider a few weeks of an MAOI is just really weird. The drugs work for many people and, if they do, you'll know right away. It's not like an SSRI where you need to try it for a month and see if you feel a little better and then maybe adjust the dose and blah blah blah. As I said, two weeks in, I could tell you the drugs had made a huge difference.

Sorry to ramble on. My whole point is, if your doc is considering an MAOI now, or maybe after trying a few more things first, a) don't be afraid of the MAOI. B) If you can try it sooner rather than later, you're looking at a really reduced time-frame to know if this might have a benefit for you.

Who knows how whatever med will work on any given individual, and I would not tell you what to do even if I could. For me, Parnate saved and changed my life. It's cheap, it worked fast, and the side effects are so mild - especially in comparison to a tricyclic. I spent two years with basically constant dry mouth, dry eyes, all the rest of it, on a tricyclic. I put up with it because I felt a bit better. Now, I feel so...normal, basically...and I'd put up with way worse than some headaches and an inability to eat cheddar cheese in order to feel this good again.

Definitely worth a try if it's an option on the table.

 

[Xe4]

Sometimes I wonder why I'm depressed. Through a lot of counceling and a little medication I'm slowly getting better.

I was finally able to talk with my therapist about what's really been bugging me, which is thoughts that I have messing with me and making me feel guilty.

Honestly, what's scaring me tonight is that I have a pretty good life, yet the only things I can think I really enjoy are my roommates and my studies. The rest is just filler, and it's hard to fill a life with that.

Soon enough I'm going to move away from the few friends I have and thus be leaving one of the few things that makes me feel happy. To top it all off, the shit that really scares me is because of the fucked up way that I think and act, I won't ever be able to get close to anyone ever.

And I don't just mean a GF, I mean anyone. Spouse, really close feiend, children, whatever. It's hard for me to care about someone because when I do it bugs me to the point of it hurting me,and making me seriously depressed, so I spend a lot of time alone. That's fine, at least for right now, but spending the rest of my life alone is terrifying.

So I really need to figure this stuff out cause I want someone in my life, doesn't even have to be a spouse, even having kids would be fine, but it's difficult to have one without the other, and having a really close friend as you get older gets harder and harder as people get in relationships and get married. Most importantly I don't want to have to choose between a lot of pain in the moment or a slow amount of hurt for the rest of my life. There has to be another option for me.

I dunno if this makes sense to anyone, and to be fair I'm kind of rambling, so no one needs to give me any particular advice. Just need to get my thoughts out there, I guess.

Best of luck MH GAF and stay strong

Esit: on the plus side, my friends are really getting their lives together. They rented out a stepmother house on a property and while it's not perfect (no running water right now, lol), it's better than what they have been. Before one friend was unemployed and living in his parents house, and another was unemployed and living on a trailer near their parents house, so seeing them do well gives me a great sense of joy. It's nice to see others that you care about happy.

 

[redlegs87]

I can't tell if I am genuinely not depressed or just been to busy to feel depressed lately. Got my first paycheck from work and while I am happy to get money at the same time it just stressed me out like "oh great I have money that will be gone in the blink of an eye." Now on top of this I have my final visit with my therapist on Tuesday just 2 days before my insurance runs out and I won't be able to see her anymore. I will eventually get to choose insurance through my employer but I have no idea if I'll be able to go back to seeing the therapist I have been and I really hope I can. That and I am just really afraid that stopping my meds is going to throw me for a bad loop. I'll be able to lower my dosage once but I won't be able to taper off them as slowly as I'd like to. Really how much of my progress has been me and how much has been because of the medicine I just don't know but I guess I'll be finding out soon enough.

 

[Piano]

I can't tell if I am genuinely not depressed or just been to busy to feel depressed lately. Got my first paycheck from work and while I am happy to get money at the same time it just stressed me out like "oh great I have money that will be gone in the blink of an eye." Now on top of this I have my final visit with my therapist on Tuesday just 2 days before my insurance runs out and I won't be able to see her anymore. I will eventually get to choose insurance through my employer but I have no idea if I'll be able to go back to seeing the therapist I have been and I really hope I can. That and I am just really afraid that stopping my meds is going to throw me for a bad loop. I'll be able to lower my dosage once but I won't be able to taper off them as slowly as I'd like to. Really how much of my progress has been me and how much has been because of the medicine I just don't know but I guess I'll be finding out soon enough.

redlegs,
Is there any possibility you can transfer the prescriptions to your PCP and / or fill everything for as large a duration as allowed just before your insurance expires? Those are both things I did at various times when I was switching insurance and had to weather a gap.

<3

 

[Kurtofan]

how do I deal with my anxiety and my loneliness.

I want to meet new people but I have no idea how. I was thinking of using an old facebook account to link up with my fellow college students but I hate facebook and I am really afraid of having to talk to all those high school "friends" I have on this.

Is this a good idea, can I just make a new account from scratch?

 

[zeemumu]

how do I deal with my anxiety and my loneliness.

I want to meet new people but I have no idea how. I was thinking of using an old facebook account to link up with my fellow college students but I hate facebook and I am really afraid of having to talk to all those high school "friends" I have on this.

Is this a good idea, can I just make a new account from scratch?

Most people that I meet are through classes. You end up chatting it up with the ones in proximity to you, or talking about assignments before and after class. Nothing says bonding like a combined fear of failing the class forcing everyone to talk to each other.


I'm working on my patience. I know that any life improvements are going to take time but external forces keep trying to compel me give up and crawl back into my hole. I got off my ass and went to the gym today, so that's an accomplishment, and earlier this week I finished Dark Souls, which made me the happiest person alive for the rest of that day.

I do have a question that's been bugging me: is once every other week a normal amount of time to spend with friends? I'll text them every so often but that's usually the most amount of time I spend with my friends. Should I feel bad for not hanging out with them more or is that just social media trying to shame me into believing that every second of my life should be a Kodak moment?

 

[Kurtofan]

Well I try to talk to people in my classes (though i kind of hate talking about classes and assignments) but I'm more interested in keeping in touch with people after class.

in my time in college I only managed to get close to two persons, I want to keep in touch after classes but besides sending emails it's hard.

is facebook that useful to keep in touch? I don't want to go on it if I can help it but if I have no choice I'll jump...

edit: it's hard to deal with long week ends with no one to talk too (there's a holiday tomorrow and i don't have classes...)

 

[Kurtofan]

I realized i had never properly deleted my facebook... so i decided to do that instead... i can't face my old friends, in particular one. for some reason this scares me.

 

[jb1234]

is facebook that useful to keep in touch? I don't want to go on it if I can help it but if I have no choice I'll jump...

It's all in how you use it. I have a lot of privacy settings and lists set up so that I only have the people that I'm interested in following on my feed. I keep everyone else friended only because it's awkward unfriending people for no reason, even if I'm effectively not in their lives any longer.

I also use Facebook a lot for the PM feature, which has come in handy for keeping in close contact with several people who I'm either not close enough with to use phone/text/Skype or just prefer using Facebook for whatever reason.

 

[Kurtofan]

i hate that i haven't been able to do anything productive/engaging or even simply go to bed since ive been home because ive been mulling over this for hours and it's already 2am and tomorrow is going to be awful
sorry if im not responding to posts directly, im reading them, i just need to get this off my chest.

 

[User 479360]

I realized i had never properly deleted my facebook... so i decided to do that instead... i can't face my old friends, in particular one. for some reason this scares me.

i hate that i haven't been able to do anything productive/engaging or even simply go to bed since ive been home because ive been mulling over this for hours and it's already 2am and tomorrow is going to be awful

Try not to put so much weight on yourself. You're only human. Try to relax, do some deep breathing and calm down. Or take Gravol or something if you can, to help you sleep.

Facebook is super depressing. I agree. Everyone is so much more successful and beautiful. I'm a black sheep myself (not saying you are).

Good luck

 

[jb1234]

Facebook is super depressing. I agree. Everyone is so much more successful and beautiful.

That's just what people want you to think. I don't buy it for a second. Everyone is faking it, no matter their social status.

 

[Sesha]

I'm so incredibly tired. I had a minor breakdown today which ruined one of the few days this Easter I had when I planned to just relax. I haven't really discussed my challenges in this thread, and I'm not really planning to, not right now. I just decided to vent it out. I don't even care if it's on the net and public, right now. I'm too frustrated to care about how pathetic it might be. So as a result of that breakdown, I'm struggling to sleep. I keep getting plagued by negative thoughts, making sleep difficult. I put some music in the background to distract me, but it's not helping. I usually have trouble sleeping, ever since I was a kid, pre-school even, but never for this particular reason.

I'm tired. Tired of feeling like shit. Tired of nothing going my way. Tired of being afraid of upsetting the people in my life, and doubly tired of feeling reliant on them for my well being.

Speaking of FaceBook, several times, most recently just now, I've had the idea to just write-up everything bad. Just get it out there, just so I can stop being the only one carrying all this crap around. But that's probably not a good idea for various reasons.

 

[FlowersisBritish]

Out of curiosity, what's everyone's experience with medications? One of my biggest fears of being medicated are side effects. I'm kind of a hypochondriac. Then again, my other big fear is being too crazy to properly function(a possibility) so at a bit of a loss.

 

[Optimusdouche]

i hate that i haven't been able to do anything productive/engaging or even simply go to bed since ive been home because ive been mulling over this for hours and it's already 2am and tomorrow is going to be awful
sorry if im not responding to posts directly, im reading them, i just need to get this off my chest.

What are you mulling over?

You have not said.