Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.

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I stopped taking my generic Prozac, because I kept forgetting. I need to resume that.

That's just what people want you to think. I don't buy it for a second. Everyone is faking it, no matter their social status.

Perhaps

That's comforting in a misery loves company kind of way, but I don't know if it's true. And I shouldn't want it to be. That just makes me a bad person.

Hopefully I'm just an anomaly.
 
Studies have shown that people who are on social media are in general unhappier.

The problem is you are comparing yourself to N people, and you can't possibly compete. For example, my one awesome vacation can't compete against 300 awesome vacations people are posting about.
 
Well, that best friend that I said the awful thing to while drunk? She hasn't even talked to me about it yet and has unfollowed me on Twitter and deleted me on FB. I don't think I'll actually kill myself, but it sure seems like a good option because I consistently fuck up relationships.

Holy shit. I think I just remembered saying what I supposedly said. I wasn't drunk, I just didn't say what I was told I said at all. I heard she was mad at me for saying "she would sleep with anyone". I think she was actually told about a conversation I had (in confidence) with a mutual friend. We were talking about how it hurts to hear that someone you like has been with someone else. I said that I knew she'd hooked up with people (because she FUCKING TOLD ME SHE HAD) and that it bothered me, but I just had to deal with it. I then said I knew there was a guy named Dan she was close with and I thought there might be something there, but I wasn't sure. Should I have been talking about her sex life? Probably not. But dies that really warrant cutting me out of her life completey? I'm losing one of my best friends over a fucking misunderstanding. I was ready to apologize when I thought I'd said that while I was drunk, but now I'm just fucking pissed. Not only can I not trust one friend, but the other is handling this like a fucking child and it was all because someone didn't understand what I was saying. The good news out of all of this is that if this is how she handles things like this, I'm going to have an easier time getting over my feelings for her. I can't be with someone who's like this, because even what supposedly happened should be something real friends could get over. I can only imagine what she'd be like to date. I think what pisses me off most is that she told me once "if anything bad ever happens between us, we need to go to the other immediately and talk it out. I can't lose you." I'm beginning to think that only applies to when she fuck up. When I do, she just jumps ship without even bothering to talk to me first, because that's how much she values our relationship. Fuck this, I'm tired of being there for her, willing to do whatever for her, even through my issues (and never telling her about them). I'm tired of dealing with her shit. I'm done.

And now I've gone a whole night without sleep. Add it to the tally of nights that'd happened since I met her, I'm sure you'll have a nice big number.
 
Is this the same girl you posted about in the dating thread a couple of months ago? If so you definitely gotta drop this girl man. It aint healthy. You'll eventually find someone better.
Yup. I thought we could remain friends, but this is too complicated. I'm just glad to see she's so willing to throw our friendship away without even talking to me first. It's almost like she was waiting for an excuse to ditch me and this was the perfect opportunity.
 
Yup. I thought we could remain friends, but this is too complicated. I'm just glad to see she's so willing to throw our friendship away without even talking to me first. It's almost like she was waiting for an excuse to ditch me and this was the perfect opportunity.

Well the positive thing about this is you probably know what you have to do now. There's no reason to keep somebody around that doesn't care about the friendship. You're better off bro, and you'll find somebody better, most likely when you least expect it.
 
My first post in this thread. Been suffering from depression for as far back as I can remember. Sometimes I go months were I am fine, then out of the blue I will be miserable for a week or two where I simply won’t talk to anybody at work or at home.

I have major self esteem issues. I only look in the mirror when I shave because I hate the way I look. I am always comparing myself to other and pointing out how much better they are than me. I have been married since 2002 and have two kids but and I often wonder they see in me. Overall I am doing okay in life, I have a family, a house, two cars, and we go on vacations but I still consider myself a complete failure because of my career which is pretty much working at a bank and sitting at a desk all day. I pretty much hate myself most of the time.

I have been going to counseling and my physicist makes valid point when I speak to her but I am having a hard time believing any of it. I may have to take meds but in the past they have not done a thing for me.
 
Well the positive thing about this is you probably know what you have to do now. There's no reason to keep somebody around that doesn't care about the friendship. You're better off bro, and you'll find somebody better, most likely when you least expect it.
Thanks. I still made a mistake, but a much smaller one than she thinks. She's getting a different story, not willing to talk to me about it, blowing it out of proportion, and is willing to throw out our friendship over it. Fuck that, she just made getting over her a lot easier.
 
Thanks. I still made a mistake, but a much smaller one than she thinks. She's getting a different story, not willing to talk to me about it, blowing it out of proportion, and is willing to throw out our friendship over it. Fuck that, she just made getting over her a lot easier.
If I might make a suggestion, quit her cold turkey. Remove/block/ignore her on everything. It makes this kind of thing that much easier to get over.

@Ensoul - welcome to the thread. Have you tried CBT? Worth mentioning/trying as an alternative or compliment meds. I'm in much the same boat as you - married, kid, can't look into mirrors, still have random bouts of severe depression all the time. Hopefully you can find some methods of coping, it makes the rough patches easier to bear. If your therapist isn't working for you or insisting that you rehash old ground, it may be time to find someone who is willing to work with you.
 
Big job interview in 2 hours! I was active in the old depression-GAF thread and started this one with the help of my many friends from this community. DGAF became a huge part of my life during a very, very dark time when my depression had gotten to the point where I was hospitalized, had to quit school, my marriage started to falter...things were very, very, very bad. I still felt of some use, continuing on in this community, trying to help folks, and the support I received from the amazing people here carried me through my lowest times, and helped get me on the long road to recovery.

I want to thank everyone here for their support, friendship, kindness, willingness to share, all of it. Mental illness makes us hate ourselves and think we have no value. But we do have value to each other.

You have value to me, and I am glad you are all here with me.

My life got back into some kind of shape after we moved two years ago. It still took me time to sort of rejoin the world and find my place in it, but things are great with my family (we added a second son almost a year ago, and my two boys are just the best things in the universe), I have hobbies and interests again, I like where I live. I have friends I love and who seem to like me, too. Getting back to work and embarking on some kind of new career has been the biggest sticking point. I have a job right now which is not the greatest thing ever, but I feel really well liked and respected by everyone at work. It's a seasonal gig grading standardized state test for a big company that designs those things. I started last year as a grader and was quickly promoted to a team leader. I came back this year as a team leader and, although I had hoped to be on more of a career path (this is a job, not a career. And if it were a career, it's not quite the career for me) by this point, I'm working hard at my job now and I feel even more well liked, respected, and appreciated. I cannot believe someone who was as depressed as I was - barely functioning - can be the strange guy at work who finds things to enjoy in this dreary, monotonous job!

Today, I go interview for a much, much better job at a company I would be really proud to work at. The phone interview went really well and I think my chances are decent that this could pan out. We'll see! You never know who has applied or what they are looking for, exactly. Still, this is me seriously interviewing for a *real* career that I think I will be happy doing and will do well at.

I want this to be part a thank-you to all my DGAF compatriots for helping me get to this point, and part a hopeful message for people who are struggling. I was diagnosed with depression over 10 years ago. I found the med that changed my life about 3 years ago. I've done therapy, been in the hospital, relied on friends, fallen very far, been lifted back up...it has been a long, long journey. For much of that time, I could not imagine how things would ever get back to the way they were. Fuck, I could not imagine them getting to a point where I could go on living much longer.

But here I am, on March 27, 2016, a better person than I was before depression thrashed me so hard. I enjoy my life. I still get down, I still have bouts of depression and anxiety. I have to keep up with my doctor, therapist, and check in with my friends who know me and can spot when things are going downhill, but, most days, I enjoy my life and I am so very glad that I am still here to enjoy it.

The last piece is getting back to work for realsies. I am ready and I know I can do this now.

I held out the faintest glimmer of hope all those years. The tiny points of light kept me going through the blackness. slowly, more of those tiny points appeared (seen the end of "True Detective"??? Such a good show!). And here I am now, back in the world, better than ever.

Keep that little bit of hope.

-Pete
 
Glad to hear you're doing well, Bagels. I hope everyone in this thread will one day have similar results. And good luck with the interview.

I just got back from my interview. I actually think it went reasonably well, even if I did have a few awkward moments here and there. Well enough, in fact, that now I'm scared I'll actually get the job, which is even more of a nightmare for someone with my mental state.
 
Has anyone skipped over psychotherapy and gone straight to a psychiatrist instead? I feel like I've had consistently bad luck with therapists--with some that I'm pretty sure should not be allowed to practice anything that has any basis in other people's health--and don't want to drag it out for years before I get help with (biological) issues that wouldn't be fixed by talking about it.
 
If I might make a suggestion, quit her cold turkey. Remove/block/ignore her on everything. It makes this kind of thing that much easier to get over.

@Ensoul - welcome to the thread. Have you tried CBT? Worth mentioning/trying as an alternative or compliment meds. I'm in much the same boat as you - married, kid, can't look into mirrors, still have random bouts of severe depression all the time. Hopefully you can find some methods of coping, it makes the rough patches easier to bear. If your therapist isn't working for you or insisting that you rehash old ground, it may be time to find someone who is willing to work with you.

She actually brought up CBT and that is her approach to how she is treating me. I do like her quite a bit but the problem is on my end. She can only do so much and I have to do my part as well.

The problem is I have been thinking this way so long it feels impossible to change my ways. I being in 2nd grade a million years ago and thinking I was ugly I was and how much better everybody else etc. I just have to buy into it but it's tough because my feelings, to me, are etched in stone.
 
She actually brought up CBT and that is her approach to how she is treating me. I do like her quite a bit but the problem is on my end. She can only do so much and I have to do my part as well.

The problem is I have been thinking this way so long it feels impossible to change my ways. I being in 2nd grade a million years ago and thinking I was ugly I was and how much better everybody else etc. I just have to buy into it but it's tough because my feelings, to me, are etched in stone.

That's pretty much how my social anxiety is. I try to change, I try to make myself do the things my therapists ask me to, but it's been so long the anxiety basically just feels like it's part of who I am. I'm not even seeing a therapist at the moment because I got tired of seeing one and getting nothing out of it, then having to start all over with another and getting the same (lack of) result. Currently I'm just trying different medications to see if there's anything that could possibly work.
 
That's pretty much how my social anxiety is. I try to change, I try to make myself do the things my therapists ask me to, but it's been so long the anxiety basically just feels like it's part of who I am. I'm not even seeing a therapist at the moment because I got tired of seeing one and getting nothing out of it, then having to start all over with another and getting the same (lack of) result. Currently I'm just trying different medications to see if there's anything that could possibly work.

We are very much alike in that regard and it does feel like part of who you are. From what I was told the meds help you fight through those feelings but they are not a magic bullet to make all your depression/anxiety go away.

What I am getting from all this is no matter how much meds or theory a person does nothing will change unless the person starts changing their thinking.
 
the idea of putting myself out there fills me with dread, shame, fear of ridicule, anxiety etc...

i never made meaningful friendships on my own, friends always reached out to me, i can only make acquaintances on my own...
 
I feel like I'm sinking further and further and my Wellbutrin is doing nothing for me it feels like.

I lost my job last May and still have not been able to get a new one. I have tried so hard, had phone interviews, so often I get the "We aren't hiring for that level anymore" even on ones that seemed like good prospects.

I'm afraid to leave my apartment sometimes because I'm afraid the apartment staff will see me and realize I don't have a job. I probably could tell them I have the day off or something (my girlfriend does have a job and lives here).

I get anxious in so many situations, and I feel like that has gotten worse too. It happens and sometimes my throat tightens up, and I cough thinking it will help, but it doesn't. I have Lorazepam that I can take once a day, but I avoid it unless absolutely necessary. I had it happen while driving yesterday, so I took it and the throat tightness went away shortly and I felt better.

I went with my girlfriend to visit her family, and we went to a sushi restaurant. I don't like seafood and I definitely don't like sushi. I'm a very picky eater in general, and have been this way my entire life. The situations that stress me out the most are an entire table of 4-5 people quizzing me over what foods I like and don't like. It stresses me out, and happens all the time.

I love my girlfriend very much, and of course still find her attractive, but lately I've had problems getting an erection. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Usually when it doesn't, it's because I was particularly depressed, anxious about something, or anxious that exactly that would happen. It's very frustrating to me. She is understanding about it and is willing to help me however she can. The thing is, I know it's not a physical problem as I get "morning wood" sometimes, am able to do it with her sometimes, and when masturbating I can.

I usually break down and cry at least once a day, because it feels like my world is completely ending. My unemployment payments will run out within about a month. My parents said they could probably help me if need be, but I don't want to have to resort to that.

I have a hard time enjoying things I used to, that I know I normally enjoy. Sometimes I play Dota, or Elite: Dangerous, and then get bored and want to play something else. I used to play Dota 2 for hours on end, whether by myself or with friends. I also used to stream (twitch, youtube, etc.) more, but lately I just haven't felt like it and can't really explain why.

I don't know what to do, I feel like my body and my life are completely falling apart. I go to therapy, but I don't feel like it does much. I'm calling my doctor again tomorrow, because I don't think my medicine is right.
 
it's like everything is conspiring against me to make me alone... classes are cancelled because fucknuts are protesting some law... it might stay that way for a while...
 
redlegs,
Is there any possibility you can transfer the prescriptions to your PCP and / or fill everything for as large a duration as allowed just before your insurance expires? Those are both things I did at various times when I was switching insurance and had to weather a gap.

<3

The doc tried to fill each script to 90 but the pharmacy only filled up to 30 for a months supply. He said to contact him if that's the case to hook me up with samples if I run out before I can get another insurance.
 
Anxiety is a killer. I have to find a new place to live, find a summer job, and study for finals while doing my current school work. It feels like there's too many stressors, and not the ones I like dealing with(social stuff). I'll have to do these things and at least I've been proactive at trying to find a place, but I get nervous once places start calling back and I can't make the appointment times due to having classes.

Feeling a little bit of tightness in my chest, so I'm going to go exercise for a bit at the pool. I'll try reflecting and clearing my mind in the sauna.
 
having a bad day, not really want to talk about it. 2 weeks until i go to japan and seem like my mind is made up on whether or not i will end it all after i come back from my trip. maybe im supposed to go to say good bye to my best friend in person.
 
Just got my new medication today. I don't remember what it's called, and I left it in my car so I can't look at the bottle. Hopefully it's better than the Paxil.

I also figured out more about my situation with my friend that is mad at me. Well, she may not even be a friend anymore. I still don't know if she heard me say it, or if she heard it from someone else. If she heard me say it, then I'm going to take full responsibility. I don't remember saying it, but I trust her not to lie to me (about this at least). If not, I'm not taking responsibility. I didn't say it, and I'm almost 99% sure.

But I also found out the status of our relationship. Not only are we never going to date (I knew that already), we probably aren't ever going to talk again. Apparently she talked to the school therapist. They were talking about whether or not she should salvage our friendship and they asked "what is there to even salvage". At that point, she decided that I haven't acted like a friend, I've been "territorial", and thinks I've only been her friend because I wanted something more from her. Which is bullshit, but if that's what she thinks, then that just shows what she thinks of me. She never wanted anything with me to begin with, but she didn't have the balls to say it. She always said "I can't right now, I'm dealing with a lot, but maybe once I'm not dealing with it anymore." I'm told I should've taken that as a no, and in hindsight I agree, but I also think she took the easy way out for her while setting me up to make a fool out of myself when things inevitably went south (as they have).

A part of me is sad that I'm losing a friend, but another part of me thinks that if she decided to cut me off totally this quickly and without even talking to me, then this was just an inevitability and it's probably for the best. In short: fuck this, I'm done.
 
Just got my new medication today. I don't remember what it's called, and I left it in my car so I can't look at the bottle. Hopefully it's better than the Paxil.

I also figured out more about my situation with my friend that is mad at me. Well, she may not even be a friend anymore. I still don't know if she heard me say it, or if she heard it from someone else. If she heard me say it, then I'm going to take full responsibility. I don't remember saying it, but I trust her not to lie to me (about this at least). If not, I'm not taking responsibility. I didn't say it, and I'm almost 99% sure.

But I also found out the status of our relationship. Not only are we never going to date (I knew that already), we probably aren't ever going to talk again. Apparently she talked to the school therapist. They were talking about whether or not she should salvage our friendship and they asked "what is there to even salvage". At that point, she decided that I haven't acted like a friend, I've been "territorial", and thinks I've only been her friend because I wanted something more from her. Which is bullshit, but if that's what she thinks, then that just shows what she thinks of me. She never wanted anything with me to begin with, but she didn't have the balls to say it. She always said "I can't right now, I'm dealing with a lot, but maybe once I'm not dealing with it anymore." I'm told I should've taken that as a no, and in hindsight I agree, but I also think she took the easy way out for her while setting me up to make a fool out of myself when things inevitably went south (as they have).

A part of me is sad that I'm losing a friend, but another part of me thinks that if she decided to cut me off totally this quickly and without even talking to me, then this was just an inevitability and it's probably for the best. In short: fuck this, I'm done.

Can I ask where you're getting your information? Unless she's told you all this directly, I wouldn't be so quick to assume. That said, as you've pointed out, if she isn't at least willing to talk things out, that speaks volumes about how much she values the friendship. Given that you mentioned you have feelings for her, it sounds like you wanted far more from her than vice versa and imbalances like that can cause a lot of issues in any type of relationship.
 
Can I ask where you're getting your information? Unless she's told you all this directly, I wouldn't be so quick to assume. That said, as you've pointed out, if she isn't at least willing to talk things out, that speaks volumes about how much she values the friendship. Given that you mentioned you have feelings for her, it sounds like you wanted far more from her than vice versa and imbalances like that can cause a lot of issues in any type of relationship.
Our best mutual friend. I have to assume, because she refuses to speak to me, and it sounds like she doesn't even want to try to talk it out. I did want more from her, but I was willing to just be her friend because I knew she didn't want anything from me. I thought that's what I was doing, just being a friend, but apparently everyone who was around us could tell I had feelings for her, and the therapist convinced her that a real friend would be able to just be a friend and put their feelings aside. But yes, if she actually valued our friendship, she wouldn't just throw it away like this. Did I fuck up multiple times recently? Yes, but every time it's been a misunderstanding or something that we could work through. And all of this could've easily been avoided if she had been honest with me from the start of our friendship.
 
Our best mutual friend. I have to assume, because she refuses to speak to me, and it sounds like she doesn't even want to try to talk it out. I did want more from her, but I was willing to just be her friend because I knew she didn't want anything from me. I thought that's what I was doing, just being a friend, but apparently everyone who was around us could tell I had feelings for her, and the therapist convinced her that a real friend would be able to just be a friend and put their feelings aside. But yes, if she actually valued our friendship, she wouldn't just throw it away like this. Did I fuck up multiple times recently? Yes, but every time it's been a misunderstanding or something that we could work through. And all of this could've easily been avoided if she had been honest with me from the start of our friendship.

I'm sorry, dude. :( Best to just move on for now, I think. Maybe things can be fixed at a later date but that'll all be up to her and your willingness to forgive her.
 
I'm sorry, dude. :( Best to just move on for now, I think. Maybe things can be fixed at a later date but that'll all be up to her and your willingness to forgive her.
She needs to forgive me and I need to forgive her. Given enough time, I think we can at least get back on speaking terms, but she's very stubborn and I honestly can't tell at this point. I feel like I'm waiting for execution and she's just too scared/angry to pull the trigger. All I can do is put it out of my mind as best I can and try to focus on the people who actually seem like they care about me.

Thank you though. Coming in here and just getting it all out and talking to someone always helps. I really do appreciate it.
 
Damn it. I feel really panicky and cold. I really am a cheesy person. Worse than Lucas' dialogue it seems. I feel like a total tool.

What can I do to stop being so jumpy, nervous. I feel like I'm overreacting but what happened makes me feel awful about myself.
 
I'm sorry things are tough right now, Bubbavelli. Big breakups are never easy. I've been dealing with the aftermath of one over the past few months, myself. Surely the big questions that are bumming you out are brought on partly by the breakup, but they're likely still worth exploring.

Have you considered seeking counseling?

I did after a mandatory three day hold but for some reason I could only see the therapist like once a month, if that. Because of that and him not really being of help, I just stopped.
 
She needs to forgive me and I need to forgive her. Given enough time, I think we can at least get back on speaking terms, but she's very stubborn and I honestly can't tell at this point. I feel like I'm waiting for execution and she's just too scared/angry to pull the trigger. All I can do is put it out of my mind as best I can and try to focus on the people who actually seem like they care about me.

Thank you though. Coming in here and just getting it all out and talking to someone always helps. I really do appreciate it.

I'm happy to listen. Wishing you the best, dude.
 
Damn it. I feel really panicky and cold. I really am a cheesy person. Worse than Lucas' dialogue it seems. I feel like a total tool.

What can I do to stop being so jumpy, nervous. I feel like I'm overreacting but what happened makes me feel awful about myself.

Deep, calm breathing exercises, such as these ones that my psychiatrist had recommended to me. That usually helps me whenever I have mild panic attacks, so perhaps it could help you?
 
She needs to forgive me and I need to forgive her. Given enough time, I think we can at least get back on speaking terms, but she's very stubborn and I honestly can't tell at this point. I feel like I'm waiting for execution and she's just too scared/angry to pull the trigger. All I can do is put it out of my mind as best I can and try to focus on the people who actually seem like they care about me.
You need to cut this girl out of your life completely and put this episode behind you. You are romantically interested in her even though you know she doesn't like you in that way and is basically stringing you along. Your 'mutual best friend' sounds pretty shady too.
 
What you describe is concerning, Blackquill. Are you receiving any ongoing mental health treatment? Did you discontinue your medications under the supervision of a doctor

Yep but I stopped that since I slept pretty badly with theses and the effects while existing, weren't that great. My doctor knows about that but doesn't seem to be against my decision.

Anyway since that post, I saw him one more time and he said that he thinks the main problem with me is that I cause to myself "sabotage" when it comes to interact with others people. Which can makes social interactions really awkward and I think he's right but how to stop that, I don't know
 
In December/January time I went to a group CBT sessions. There were 6 of them in total, it seemed pretty basic and introductory. Each session we would have home works or assignments. I didn't talk unless I was specifically asked to, I find it hard to talk in front of others.

When the last session ended they said some of us they would be calling to follow up on how we felt about the sessions. Somehow I just knew I would be one of them, considering I was probably easily the quietest person in the group.

Funnily enough I actually quite enjoyed the sessions, I like the structure and going out somewhere and being around other people even though I find it hard to be apart of it.

Anyway I told the lady on the phone I thought the group was well run and informative but hadn't really helped me because I just find it so hard to be comfortable around other people.

Anyway she recommended I do 1 on 1 CBT sessions which I agreed too because what have I got to lose.

So tomorrow I go to my first 1 on 1 session, I'm nervous about it but I'm going to try my best to open up. I want to he better, I want to be happy.
 
Good news! I got the job in New Hampshire that I've been trying for for a long time (and I've been trying to move out of state for years as well)!
This is relevant to my mental health since I'll finally have good health care and will finally get a therapist. Also, I'll be working only 40 hour weeks and only one job, so I won't be stretching myself so thin like I have been for the past year and a half. And also I'll be living somewhere that I'm assuming I'll enjoy quite a bit more than here and hope to really grow into the community there which is my top priority in life and seems more likely to happen in a smaller town.
So yeah! Everything's coming up Kipp!
 
Damn it. I feel really panicky and cold. I really am a cheesy person. Worse than Lucas' dialogue it seems. I feel like a total tool.

What can I do to stop being so jumpy, nervous. I feel like I'm overreacting but what happened makes me feel awful about myself.

Something that helps me is to just stop giving a F*** about almost everything. That may lead to other problems but it feels great to be rid of many of the shackles. Also its tough to get into that mindset.
 
Good news! I got the job in New Hampshire that I've been trying for for a long time (and I've been trying to move out of state for years as well)!
This is relevant to my mental health since I'll finally have good health care and will finally get a therapist. Also, I'll be working only 40 hour weeks and only one job, so I won't be stretching myself so thin like I have been for the past year and a half. And also I'll be living somewhere that I'm assuming I'll enjoy quite a bit more than here and hope to really grow into the community there which is my top priority in life and seems more likely to happen in a smaller town.
So yeah! Everything's coming up Kipp!

:fistbump:
 
I'm so incredibly tired. I had a minor breakdown today which ruined one of the few days this Easter I had when I planned to just relax. I haven't really discussed my challenges in this thread, and I'm not really planning to, not right now. I just decided to vent it out. I don't even care if it's on the net and public, right now. I'm too frustrated to care about how pathetic it might be. So as a result of that breakdown, I'm struggling to sleep. I keep getting plagued by negative thoughts, making sleep difficult. I put some music in the background to distract me, but it's not helping. I usually have trouble sleeping, ever since I was a kid, pre-school even, but never for this particular reason.

I'm tired. Tired of feeling like shit. Tired of nothing going my way. Tired of being afraid of upsetting the people in my life, and doubly tired of feeling reliant on them for my well being.

Speaking of FaceBook, several times, most recently just now, I've had the idea to just write-up everything bad. Just get it out there, just so I can stop being the only one carrying all this crap around. But that's probably not a good idea for various reasons.

I find it's best to engage with Facebook as little as possible; if I browse I get drowned in others' curated slices of life that make them seem as happy and successful as possible, and if I post I curate my own life and get attached to needing approval of what I posted or attention.

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time of it, Sesha. I hope you're able to find solace soon. Let us know if there's anything we can do.

Out of curiosity, what's everyone's experience with medications? One of my biggest fears of being medicated are side effects. I'm kind of a hypochondriac. Then again, my other big fear is being too crazy to properly function(a possibility) so at a bit of a loss.

Medications have saved my life. Full stop. They can't fix everything, but they can help us lift some of the difficult emotions so that we can get to work on what needs to be done.

My first post in this thread. Been suffering from depression for as far back as I can remember. Sometimes I go months were I am fine, then out of the blue I will be miserable for a week or two where I simply won’t talk to anybody at work or at home.

I have major self esteem issues. I only look in the mirror when I shave because I hate the way I look. I am always comparing myself to other and pointing out how much better they are than me. I have been married since 2002 and have two kids but and I often wonder they see in me. Overall I am doing okay in life, I have a family, a house, two cars, and we go on vacations but I still consider myself a complete failure because of my career which is pretty much working at a bank and sitting at a desk all day. I pretty much hate myself most of the time.

I have been going to counseling and my physicist makes valid point when I speak to her but I am having a hard time believing any of it. I may have to take meds but in the past they have not done a thing for me.

Do you have any sense of what happens that triggers that week or two of misery, Ensoul?

I held out the faintest glimmer of hope all those years. The tiny points of light kept me going through the blackness. slowly, more of those tiny points appeared (seen the end of "True Detective"??? Such a good show!). And here I am now, back in the world, better than ever.

Keep that little bit of hope.

-Pete

I'm so glad to hear that things are looking up, Bagels. I continue to hope for the best for you and your family :)

Glad to hear you're doing well, Bagels. I hope everyone in this thread will one day have similar results. And good luck with the interview.

I just got back from my interview. I actually think it went reasonably well, even if I did have a few awkward moments here and there. Well enough, in fact, that now I'm scared I'll actually get the job, which is even more of a nightmare for someone with my mental state.

That's great, Steamlord!
One step at a time. The interview was an accomplishment in itself. Now it's just a matter of taking things one step at a time.

Has anyone skipped over psychotherapy and gone straight to a psychiatrist instead? I feel like I've had consistently bad luck with therapists--with some that I'm pretty sure should not be allowed to practice anything that has any basis in other people's health--and don't want to drag it out for years before I get help with (biological) issues that wouldn't be fixed by talking about it.

I would say it's worth pursuing both simultaenously, Necromanti. Has there been any common thread around why you haven't gelled with the therapists you've seen?

We are very much alike in that regard and it does feel like part of who you are. From what I was told the meds help you fight through those feelings but they are not a magic bullet to make all your depression/anxiety go away.

What I am getting from all this is no matter how much meds or theory a person does nothing will change unless the person starts changing their thinking.

Well, the idea is that most types of therapy, like CBT or DBT, will, over time, change the way we think. After all, we cannot change the way we think simply by brute force; it's a matter of relearning, or retraining our brain.

I don't know what to do, I feel like my body and my life are completely falling apart. I go to therapy, but I don't feel like it does much. I'm calling my doctor again tomorrow, because I don't think my medicine is right.

I'm sorry that things are tough right now, Hylian. Why do you feel that therapy doesn't do much? Have you discussed your dissatisfaction with your therapist?

Anxiety is a killer. I have to find a new place to live, find a summer job, and study for finals while doing my current school work. It feels like there's too many stressors, and not the ones I like dealing with(social stuff). I'll have to do these things and at least I've been proactive at trying to find a place, but I get nervous once places start calling back and I can't make the appointment times due to having classes.

Feeling a little bit of tightness in my chest, so I'm going to go exercise for a bit at the pool. I'll try reflecting and clearing my mind in the sauna.

I feel you, Wolf Dawgz. The end of the semester is just a stressful, stressful time, and on top of it I, too, have been looking for a place to live and until recently was looking for employment (got hired, but that just replaced the job hunting anxiety with anxiety about the new job!). I try to remind myself that, by hook or by crook, in a few weeks it'll be over. Nothing can stop the passage of time, and we usually find a good route through these stressful situations.

Definitely exercise is a good bet, as are relaxation techniques. I also find it helpful to organize my work as much as possible - to plan which days I'll do which assignments and things so that I the work has an end point each day.

Yep but I stopped that since I slept pretty badly with theses and the effects while existing, weren't that great. My doctor knows about that but doesn't seem to be against my decision.

Anyway since that post, I saw him one more time and he said that he thinks the main problem with me is that I cause to myself "sabotage" when it comes to interact with others people. Which can makes social interactions really awkward and I think he's right but how to stop that, I don't know

Well, Blackquill, it's a matter of investigating our methods of thought and learning to "retrain" our thought patterns, usually through continued therapy. Has your therapist offered any guidance on how you can work on these things?

In December/January time I went to a group CBT sessions. There were 6 of them in total, it seemed pretty basic and introductory. Each session we would have home works or assignments. I didn't talk unless I was specifically asked to, I find it hard to talk in front of others.

When the last session ended they said some of us they would be calling to follow up on how we felt about the sessions. Somehow I just knew I would be one of them, considering I was probably easily the quietest person in the group.

Funnily enough I actually quite enjoyed the sessions, I like the structure and going out somewhere and being around other people even though I find it hard to be apart of it.

Anyway I told the lady on the phone I thought the group was well run and informative but hadn't really helped me because I just find it so hard to be comfortable around other people.

Anyway she recommended I do 1 on 1 CBT sessions which I agreed too because what have I got to lose.

So tomorrow I go to my first 1 on 1 session, I'm nervous about it but I'm going to try my best to open up. I want to he better, I want to be happy.

I'm glad you're making steps toward recovery, StrongBelwas. I hope your 1 on 1 session goes well!

Good news! I got the job in New Hampshire that I've been trying for for a long time (and I've been trying to move out of state for years as well)!
This is relevant to my mental health since I'll finally have good health care and will finally get a therapist. Also, I'll be working only 40 hour weeks and only one job, so I won't be stretching myself so thin like I have been for the past year and a half. And also I'll be living somewhere that I'm assuming I'll enjoy quite a bit more than here and hope to really grow into the community there which is my top priority in life and seems more likely to happen in a smaller town.
So yeah! Everything's coming up Kipp!

That's wonderful to hear, Kipp! I've only spent a few days here and there in NH but enjoyed what I saw while I was there. I hope your transition goes as smoothly as possible.

<3
 
Well, Blackquill, it's a matter of investigating our methods of thought and learning to "retrain" our thought patterns, usually through continued therapy. Has your therapist offered any guidance on how you can work on these things?

Nothing so far, we'll see !
 
I'm sorry that things are tough right now, Hylian. Why do you feel that therapy doesn't do much? Have you discussed your dissatisfaction with your therapist?

Quite simply, becuase I'm not feeling any better, and am in fact getting worse. I have an appointment with him next week and will bring it up then.

In the meantime, I have an appointment with my GP on Friday, and maybe a change in medication will help, because I feel like the Wellbutrin is not doing anything (or not doing much at least), and I was in a much better place on Pristiq.
 
It's been a long time since I last posted here, and have finally got an appointment with a CBT therapist after waiting for several months. I live in a country with universal healthcare so there's a long waiting list if you don't want to go private (tried going private and it cost me too much).

Overall with meds I actually don't feel as crappy as I did a couple of months ago, even though nothing in my life has showed any real improvement since that time. I still have 0 motivation to do anything though, and I still stay in bed too much instead of actually doing anything. I still dwell on my lack of social life/gf/friends constantly though, that has proven difficult to actually resolve. I still get a ton of social anxiety when trying to put myself out there and I still feel like doing the 'easy' thing and shutting myself away from the world and everyone else like I've done for years. It's a defense mechanism from when I was a child and constantly made fun of in school, I think. It was a way to shield myself from the possibility of being hurt. So I have always failed for years to connect with people in any meaningful way, and that has led me to become very lonely and isolated indeed.
 
Deep, calm breathing exercises, such as these ones that my psychiatrist had recommended to me. That usually helps me whenever I have mild panic attacks, so perhaps it could help you?
It worked okay. It helped I had my doctor's appointment today and I did mention how it's been going for me and my feelings. Still waiting for a therapist... Two appointments next week at least!!
Something that helps me is to just stop giving a F*** about almost everything. That may lead to other problems but it feels great to be rid of many of the shackles. Also its tough to get into that mindset.
I am definitely ridding myself of the shackles of a toxic home life and people. Moving out soon with a great friend. She's awesome!
 
this came across my twitter feed
Actor Wentworth Miller Responds to Meme Criticizing His Weight:
Miller is candid about his history with depression and suicidal thoughts.

Today I found myself the subject of an Internet meme. Not for the first time.

This one, however, stands out from the rest.

In 2010, semi-retired from acting, I was keeping a low-profile for a number of reasons.

First and foremost, I was suicidal.

This is a subject I've since written about, spoken about, shared about.

But at the time I suffered in silence. As so many do. The extent of my struggle known to very, very few.

Ashamed and in pain, I considered myself damaged goods. And the voices in my head urged me down the path to self-destruction. Not for the first time.

I've struggled with depression since childhood. It's a battle that's cost me time, opportunities, relationships, and a thousand sleepless nights.

In 2010, at the lowest point in my adult life, I was looking everywhere for relief/comfort/distraction. And I turned to food. It could have been anything. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. But eating became the one thing I could look forward to. Count on to get me through. There were stretches when the highlight of my week was a favorite meal and a new episode of TOP CHEF. Sometimes that was enough. Had to be.

And I put on weight. Big f--king deal.

One day, out for a hike in Los Angeles with a friend, we crossed paths with a film crew shooting a reality show. Unbeknownst to me, paparazzi were circling. They took my picture, and the photos were published alongside images of me from another time in my career. "Hunk To Chunk." "Fit To Flab." Etc.

My mother has one of those "friends" who's always the first to bring you bad news. They clipped one of these articles from a popular national magazine and mailed it to her. She called me, concerned.

In 2010, fighting for my mental health, it was the last thing I needed.

Long story short, I survived.

So do those pictures.

I'm glad.

Now, when I see that image of me in my red t-shirt, a rare smile on my face, I am reminded of my struggle. My endurance and my perseverance in the face of all kinds of demons. Some within. Some without.

Like a dandelion up through the pavement, I persist.

Anyway. Still. Despite.

The first time I saw this meme pop up in my social media feed, I have to admit, it hurt to breathe. But as with everything in life, I get to assign meaning. And the meaning I assign to this/my image is Strength. Healing. Forgiveness.

Of myself and others.

If you or someone you know is struggling, help is available. Reach out. Text. Send an email. Pick up the phone. Someone cares. They're waiting to hear from you. Much love. - W.M.
 
Well, looks like I'm done with therapy.

Being PRN is terrible, the therapists I've been able to see which, btw, don't know me or my case, the ones I've met sound like they are reading off a checklist like one of those customer support people you get with EA or Valve.

My job search has failed to turn anything up and I am so fucking tired of everything.

Contemplating killing myself even though it will create more problems for my family.

I feel like I'm stuck on a hamster wheel, nothing changes and I keep trying to make things change or hope they change. But they don't.

I'm tired of feeling sad, worthless, and rudderless.

medication isn't working.

My life isn't working.
 
Just went to my first session at the on-campus therapist. I actually really liked it. I feel way less shitty about things now, and I'm going back next week.

Plus, they have a dog in there, sooooooo...
 
I find it's best to engage with Facebook as little as possible; if I browse I get drowned in others' curated slices of life that make them seem as happy and successful as possible, and if I post I curate my own life and get attached to needing approval of what I posted or attention.

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time of it, Sesha. I hope you're able to find solace soon. Let us know if there's anything we can do.

Oh, I know. I quit Facebook last August out of frustration, but I recently reopened it. I instantly started regretting it, partly because I got a painful reminder of something, and partly because it's a source of weakness for me. I'm undecided if I should close it again or just try to ignore it.

Thanks. I feel better now. It lasted a couple of days, but it's mostly went away. Overall, I've been much worse, at least. Everything indicates I'm slowly digging myself out of a hole, though I'm scared of how things will look when I gain some more perspective.
 
I think I will quit therapy today. Therapy isn't going to help if you are always going to be a loser at life. Therapy won't change anything
Why can't I find the courage to die
 
Oh, I know. I quit Facebook last August out of frustration, but I recently reopened it. I instantly started regretting it, partly because I got a painful reminder of something, and partly because it's a source of weakness for me. I'm undecided if I should close it again or just try to ignore it.

Facebook is garbage now. It's nothing but political memetic discharge in the form of boxed images with the impact font making an edgy statement, so you're not missing anything in the grand scheme of things. Lately, I have been doing that. Reading up on my myriad of health anxieties looking for an "answer", going on social media and getting pinged by everyone's successes in life, it's demoralizing.

I am getting off the Wellbutrin, there really hasn't been any major benefit except the perceived emotional deadening. My psych said that wasn't possible, but I know better. I have had this issue previously with all the SSRI's I have been on, so it's not a stretch to think about subset of antidepressants would do the same. It has me worried though because apparently it's the one with few side effects and my brain is going to jump to the conclusion that it isn't the Wellbutrin, but an actual, definitive, untraceable, permanent chemical change in my brain. Again, the catastrophic thinking is there, only because I conditioned myself to think of such things so I can be "vigilant".
 
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