It is fine to be shy at any age, I'm pretty sure everyone is scared of rejection on some level when making new connections with other people. I know I am, and I'm almost 40. Keeping in mind if this meetup group is like the ones I've gone to, there are going to be some people who won't open up more until they get a sense of permanence from you, as they're probably used to seeing newbies who ditch after a few meetups, as Fall Into The GAF already pointed out.
What kind of activities are going on at these meetups? Can you jump into a game with people and use that as a jumping off point? Asking someone how their food/drink is? Complimenting someone on a shirt from a game/show/etcetera that you like? Can you maybe just focus on one person for a set period of time to kind of put social anxiety blinders on? Is it a StreetPass group where you can retreat into your 3DS a bit if things get overwhelming? There is absolutely no shame involved in vocalizing discomfort or needing time to regroup, even jamming to the bathroom or retreating into your phone for a minute if you get sensory overload may help.
Exposure therapy for social anxiety only works if you keep doing it, which is the part I have a hard time with, due to transportation/scheduling conflicts, since meetups around me usually happen on Saturdays. (Oh, and by the way, textbook social anxiety there, including the overwhelming negative feedback loop about how you "blew it" at the end of the day, bonus "points" if it gave you insomnia, but I'm not a doctor, so talk to one as soon as you can! And by the way, I don't think you did blow it, and mental illness doesn't really have a scoring system, just in case the quotes didn't make that clear.)
No particular activities. They just meet at a small bar/cafe where they have booked a table and just have fun for a few hours.
The problem isn't that I don't know what to say. As mentioned in my original post, at some point they started to talk about video games, and I wanted to join in so badly, but I just couldn't do it. Some strange fear is keeping me from doing so. It's like when you're about to dive into a pool from a tower, you take a run-up, but in the last moment before the jump you're like "woah, wait a minute" and you grab the railing. That's precisely how it feels. A few times I was about to join in, so I nervously waited for a moment when nobody was talking so I wouldn't interrupt anyone, but in the moment I actually opened my mouth, I suddenly felt a lump in my throat. "Woah, wait a minute."
No, I didn't have any insomnia. I was drunk as fuck. Pathetic, really. Spent almost the entirety of the following day on the couch, just staring at the wall, suffering from a bad hangover and daydreaming how amazing the evening could have went if I weren't, well, me. I would probably have done the same without the hangover.
Regarding the PHQ score: No, of course mental illness isn't a score on some scale. I just felt my result might have been worth mentioning.
Well, time sure flies: The next meetup is on the coming Saturday. I don't want to go. I really don't. And if I don't, I will spend the week after it regretting not going, but still.
My mood tends to swing frequently, so maybe on Saturday I'll be super excited for it, but I doubt it.
If a genie in a bottle would magically replace the attendees from last time with completely different people, I'd probably go. But I don't want to have to face the same guys again.
You're the only one judging what you are "supposed" to be, Ambitious. My knowledge of the social code may not be exhaustive, but it's strong enough for me to confidently say that first impressions can be redefined and you are not a social pariah.
I agree with the general sentiment others have expressed that social skills are just that, skills, a skillset, one that we must continually train and develop and that can be developed further at any time in life. There are sometimes when I'm around people and I can just "flow" through conversations and social situations but most of the time I'm using skills I've learned to navigate through heaps of social anxiety.
I hope you can keep at it and keep challenging yourself and keep open to what it teaches you and how you can continue to grow. It is uncomfortable, yes - but we can rarely grow, personally, without a great deal of discomfort.
I quoted this post because I would feel terrible for simply ignoring it, but I don't really know what to reply. I mean, I agree with what you say, but I can't think of a proper response right now.
But I'd like to thank you for trying to help so many people in this thread.
i wish i could be a totally different person with a normal life
Decided to start up Facebook again looked up an old friend and yea my life really really sucks.
Yeah I've stopped doing that. I don't have a Facebook account because I care about privacy too much, but a few years ago I created a fake account because I needed it for a group assignment for an university course. Apart from other members of my group, I added a few other acquaintances.
I hated being confronted with their awesome lifes all the time. All the pictures of them going out with friends, travelling, or just being together with their significant others. Couldn't deal with that. I deleted the account a few weeks after we finished the assignment.
One day at my previous job, I was a bit bored and decided to google my highschool classmates from back then. Turned out that at least one of them had already married. Fucking hell. I have never had a relationship in my entire life, and this guy is already married? I was mad the entire day.
But the worst decision in this regard was going to the class reunion about two years ago. The evening started off kinda nice, but hearing about the careers of the others devastated me. Like always when stuff like this happens, my mood was constantly shifting between anger, sadness and complete apathy.
I haven't had any contact to any of them since then nor have I ever googled them again or visited their Facebook or whatever, and I intend to keep it that way. Well, at least until I have gotten my shit together, which I don't expect to happen anytime soon.
Can you call those suicide hotlines if you're not suicidal, but just want to talk to someone?
Is that so? Well that's nice. But personally, I'd never do that. I feel like I'd waste their time which they could use to help someone with bigger issues. I feel similar about posting in here, by the way.
