Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
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Collete
Member
Fuck that psychologist, obviously had no idea how to deal with people who have self body issues.
They're supposed to help you feel good about yourself regardless. (If you're obese, that's another issue...but you're not, hun.)
Are you going to be a sophmore or something?
ThoseDeafMutes
Member
This can't be real.
Coming from the mouth of some asshole psychologist not fit for his or her position, maybe. Nobody here seems to agree. But I understand how it can be that one person saying negative things is so much more impactful than ten people saying positive things about you.
Femmeworth
Banned
I'm technically a sophomore. My wording was a bit vague, but I have been going half-time on and off since 2010.
At times, I feel like I can use the body that I have now with more ease, and while it's inconsistent with how I am inside, I could at least be at peace with it until better can be done. Then I keep flashing back to how my mom says that I look like a rapist in front of other people, and then I fall back to square one. I honestly don't know why some people are so twisted with finding flaws in others.
Collete
Member
How many classes are you taking?
Major?
It'll be rough a bit at first but then you'll see where you can cut corners and where you can't. It'll take a week or two to realize that but you'll get in the groove of the schedule after awhile.
It'll be all right.
Femmeworth
Banned
4 classes, 12 credits total. Currently undeclared, I'm planning to see a career adviser once the semester begins. I started out as a computer science major, will probably end up going back to it.
Interesting. I've actually been back and forth on what I'm planning to do, myself. I've only done about 4 classes (two of which I've had issues with) so far, and I'm undeclared too. I've thought of going though with English or somewhere in the arts, but even my career adviser treats those degrees like death wishes. On the other hand, my parents have been pushing me into shoving it all to the side and going to tech school for a year, but I've felt nothing but unease about that option. What do you all think?
ClassyPenguin
Banned
I really don't know what to say except that's something that really should be um, looked into legally. They say that to the wrong person and things will happen.
But don't let that get in the way of seeking help. Try public sources, or on campus. I mean private psychologists can be iffy if this is the type of counseling that is the norm.
Personally, all the people I have dealt with in mental health have been pretty courteous and well versed in like, the nuances of trying to get through to people who are struggling.
Femmeworth
Banned
I'm not super informed, but from what I understand community college is generally a much better option than technical school.
Youre a cutie Oomi. Dont down yourself like that.
CountAntonius
Member
I thought after a few years I grew complacent with my issues to the point where I never really had lows anymore. This week has mentally been one of the hardest I've had in many years. Insanely irritable, feel powerless, angry, zero energy or will to do anything. Not sure what's triggered all of this but it hasn't been fun.
And this is an cute-expert talking here Oomi. Not just creepy guys on IRC.
AdventureRacing
Member
You really ought to make an official complaint, even if not for yourself than for the next person who has to see that asshole.
Just out of interest where did you get that avatar from? It's pretty awesome. I'm assuming it's meant to be a picture of you dressed as batman but there is something strangely attractive about it haha (hopefully i don't sound like a creep). I mean besides the idea of an attractive women dressing up as batman.
ElbowRocket
Member
Hi guys please halp I need some advise.
My gf left me after 2 years about 8 months ago, at first I was angry cause I know she was talking to this other guy but she said he's just a fwend..
Anyway I tried getting hold of her recently just to say I'm sorry for saying some bad things after we broke up and she said its kwl but we shouldn't talk "Its for the best" she said.
So ok I sort of got on with my life after months of feeling hurt that the love of my life left me (she treated me like a stranger the last month we were together and it was over the christmas period) , but I ran into her at one of my friends bday parties last weekend and I greeted her and she did back but then she just sort of left.
I went on facebook the other night and saw pics of her smooooching that same guy (it was a mistake looking on fb) and it just brought back all those hurt feelings worse than ever. I thought of just writing her a letter on how I feel, not to get back together or anything just to make peace but I dunno really what to do please my brain wont stop fantasizing about her.
feels good putting this into words tho
My gf left me after 2 years about 8 months ago, at first I was angry cause I know she was talking to this other guy but she said he's just a fwend..
Anyway I tried getting hold of her recently just to say I'm sorry for saying some bad things after we broke up and she said its kwl but we shouldn't talk "Its for the best" she said.
So ok I sort of got on with my life after months of feeling hurt that the love of my life left me (she treated me like a stranger the last month we were together and it was over the christmas period) , but I ran into her at one of my friends bday parties last weekend and I greeted her and she did back but then she just sort of left.
I went on facebook the other night and saw pics of her smooooching that same guy (it was a mistake looking on fb) and it just brought back all those hurt feelings worse than ever. I thought of just writing her a letter on how I feel, not to get back together or anything just to make peace but I dunno really what to do please my brain wont stop fantasizing about her.
feels good putting this into words tho
Freeza Under The Shower
Member
Have you changed your social environment from before and after the therapy much? Like moving somewhere else and so on? Sorry if this was all said in the previous thread and I didn't pay enough attention to it, but I honestly don't know.
chicko1983
Member
Just been through my worst birthday ever and realize I may have some depression. Did those questionnaires and indicates I am moderately depressive which is a bit of a shock.
Turned 30 a couple of weekends ago and realized I am not the person I thought I was going to be when I was 18. Far from it.
Currently at my heaviest weight and actually feeling unfit, never have before in my life which is kinda making me anxious.
Decided not to have a birthday party but went out with some mates for drinks. Left them at the bar as I didnt want to be there after about an hour. Another group of friends who I completely snubbed on my birthday, didn't answer calls or messages and lied my phone was broken, have organised a birthday dinner for me tomorrow with 8 other people. I got a strong feeling I don't want to go.
ON Tuesday I had to speak in front of a lot of people. I am generally very good public speaker but I was choking on my words and could hear the nervousness in my voice as I was speaking. Felt like I was up there forever.
The birthday really hit me hard for some reason. I didn't answer the phone the first time my mum called.
So yeah, anxiety and depression. It's been slowly building the more I think about it and try and pinpoint when I started feeling this way.
Anyway I just needed to write somef this shit down and read it a bit.
Turned 30 a couple of weekends ago and realized I am not the person I thought I was going to be when I was 18. Far from it.
Currently at my heaviest weight and actually feeling unfit, never have before in my life which is kinda making me anxious.
Decided not to have a birthday party but went out with some mates for drinks. Left them at the bar as I didnt want to be there after about an hour. Another group of friends who I completely snubbed on my birthday, didn't answer calls or messages and lied my phone was broken, have organised a birthday dinner for me tomorrow with 8 other people. I got a strong feeling I don't want to go.
ON Tuesday I had to speak in front of a lot of people. I am generally very good public speaker but I was choking on my words and could hear the nervousness in my voice as I was speaking. Felt like I was up there forever.
The birthday really hit me hard for some reason. I didn't answer the phone the first time my mum called.
So yeah, anxiety and depression. It's been slowly building the more I think about it and try and pinpoint when I started feeling this way.
Anyway I just needed to write somef this shit down and read it a bit.
I didn't post in the previous thread, so don't worry.
I have changed pretty much everything about my life since I went into rehab a year ago. I have been there for the past year and live in a halfway-house right now. So the answer to your question is yes. The craving I'm talking about is not triggered by something external, it's more like a biological need. Closest thing to it you might understand is being thirsty. But, you know, not for, like, water. And while walking in the desert in the blistering heat of the sun scorching your skin.
You need to cut her out of your life properly. The fact that she is still on your facebook after this long means you haven't let go at all. In order to move on you need to give yourself a period of time without her in your life. No photos, no gifts, no access to online social contact/photos of her. Nothing that is heavily associated with her should be in your house, room, life, etc.
The rest takes time, taking good care of yourself, keeping busy, working on yourself, maybe making new friends and spending time with the ones you have- having a life you are happy with without a significant other anyway.
But do you actually have flaws, or do you think of reasons to find issue? Nature itself doesn't naturally have a litmus test for what is beauty and what is ugly. It was conditioned into cultures. What one culture finds attractive for a woman may be different somewhere else. I truly think pure beauty can only be argued for in absolutes. Either everything on some level has beauty behind it all or everything does not. I adhere to the former.
I'd also like to take this time and post a quote from the wonderful RuPaul. I think one of the reasons he is both a beautiful man and a beautiful woman is because he is a beautiful human being. I think for a celebrity he has a lot of honest, genuine wisdom to himself.
Be very careful of what you allow to infiltrate your consciousness and subconsciousness. When you watch too much television, you'll start to feel inferior from all the commercials hard selling the idea that you're not complete unless you buy their product [...] The ad agencies appeal to your fear of not being wanted or loved. It's the same with the local news. They get you to stay tuned with a constant stream of fear tactics [...] It's as if our culture is addicted to fear and the flat screen is our drug dealer. Don't allow that crap into your head!
Prax
Member
POSTING TIME YEAH~
I had over 9 hours of sleep last day and it was pretty nice~
Bagels also started a pencil thread and I saw it and it was really cute.
I also keep thinking I have cyclothymia I look it up. I have periods of pep and activity (working on "ideas" and not sleeping and having great feelings about how awesome I am) and then slumps or avoiding everything (don't wanna look at mail, bank account, answer texts, go out). There are also neutral plateaus, which I guess is kind of now. And that's when I get most tedious stuff done. Each period lasts for a week or more usually. Well, maybe my slumps lasts a couple of months actually. >_> Luckily, I have enough anxiety to kick me into meeting important deadlines for academic purposes after procrastinating forever, but yeah, I wish I were in hypomanic zone more often even if it means burning myself out with lack of sleep.
But I don't know. I PROBABLY don't have it since it's all self-diagnosis, but it's good you're getting it looked into! I never did. I think when I got hit with actual clinical depression, I forgot to mention about the other stuff, so I never really did anything about that. I also don't mind it very much, so maybe it's not a problem. Well, it does hinder getting life goals done, but I'm kind of complacent too.. >__> Good luck on getting in learning to control that part of you more, or at least learn to use it to your advantage.
I know how the burden of expectations feels like. And it's hard. We don't want to let anyone, including ourselves, down. I'm usually terrified of high expectations because I fear not being able to reach them. I'd much rather someone expect little to nothing and be pleasantly surprised. But it doesn't work that way. I guess I can't completely control what people think and hope for.
But it's important to feel like your family expects a lot from you because they hold you in high esteem or they want good things for you. Sometimes they may not be able to articulate that well, but try to give them the benefit of the doubt and do what makes sense for you and helps you feel happy and fulfilled. If it means a simple life, then that's good too. The world is capable of sustaining all sorts of people to live in it despite what you might be led to believe.
If you feel such a great sense of unfairness, that you aren't contributing enough in place of your friend, then maybe that's a place to start to get out of feeling stuck? Although it sounds like you might already volunteer and be a good person in general if your religion guides you to being a fair and loving person. If so, remind yourself that everyone falls short of perfection, but what you do in spite of them, your effort toward doing good things and appreciating your ability to do so are what to focus on.
Also, you have like.. a body that's not a broken down mess and that's pretty good. I know your brain is going to twist it into feeling like you have nothing still, despite the compliments you get and people trying to counter your feelings, but I find it's easier to focus on what your body can do instead of just what it looks like.
I hope that therapist you saw is living with some kind of guilt and shame for even mentioning those things. I mean for SOME people, yeah, they want that body modification and they get it and they feel great, but it sounds like she didn't know what she was saying at all to you. Or perhaps she had similar issues or watched too much "What Not to Wear" and it worked for her?? Who knows. Her lack of sensitivity is pretty galling.
I am not going to suggest that you adore every part of yourself as if it's perfect, because it's totally okay to be annoyed about things about yourself and wish it were slightly more this or that, but it's not good to let it fester into deep hatred. It's kind of like being annoyed or disliking an acquaintance. Yeah, you might not seeing them around and you may avoid them when it's convenient for you, but in moderation. It's bad when it gets to the point that you obsess about your hatred over them and wishing they wouldn't exist and change your life upside-down to avoid anything to do with them.
Be okay with what makes your body still useful to you and even appreciate that it functions--and probably functions well--for what it is. You don't have to omg-love-it, but once you appreciate little things about your body, you could grow into a warmth about it.. a "mutual understanding" if you will. I think that's all anyone can really ask for in the great scheme of things. lol
Are you getting the panic attacks while in class or while you're just looking over the material at home?
I feel like maybe it's just an overall lack of structure that makes you feel so overwhelmed. Like you don't know where to start or what if you start but don't ___, and then ____. (Visually for me, it's like staring at a big void of open space and possibility and the sky is so big and overwhelming and you just want to hide in a hole and under a rock and not have to deal with it. >_>)
What always made me feel better is getting my daytimer/agenda out and start writing down due dates of major exams and projects, and then reading assignments/chapters to read. I also mentally set aside time in my head to read, so I know i read 30 pages/hour usually. Sometimes that dips to 15-20 pages/hour if I need to process everything and it gets technical (like if a lot of biological terms are involved). That way, I know how much time i need each day or end of the week to just sit and read by myself with no distractions. Also let your family know this is what you're doing so they can stay out of your way. If they are serious about wanting you to succeed, they will likely leave you alone (or bug you by trying to pamper you with prepped drinks and meals lol--but sometimes it's nice. I get pretty hungry studying but I don't have time in my "schedule" to make food for myself).
Also, if some classes are particularly confusing or seemingly difficult, I hope they have lecture slides for you to print out. That way you can take notes alongside the lecture (my school did this a lot). If it's uploaded before the lecture, print those out and skim it before the lecture. Then you can be kind of bored during lecture because you went over it already, and you can take notes for things that surprise you, leading to better memory (since you go over it twice, took notes for important bits). And then when you go over it again for the exam, you will feel so bored and prepped! Also set aside cram-time or study time before exams so you can look over the lecture notes and textbook material. Take notes form the textbook too, so in the hours before your exam, you can look over your notes of textbook notes and your lecture notes. That should be enough boring repetition to give you a good taste of the material.
You had passed the majority of your classes before, so what you have been doing probably works too, so I don't know if anything I said is applicable or something you haven't tried yet, but you are prepared. You SOMEHOW made it through the other years after all!
Give yourself structure, quantifiable time chunks, a place to be, a certain kind of environment, so if you feel your panic setting in you can remind yourself you have a plan and things will feel stable again and that you're going to focus on your plan (and when you don't feel in panic, you can stray form the plan a little and goof off and procrastinate. lol We have to know the rules in order to bend and break them, so we have to give ourselves the structure and organization in order to enjoy our freedom when we deviate). I hope that helps you even a little bit!
\This is a pretty awesome victory song. XD Like dancing in the streets in circles, throwing mundane objects into the air because you don't need them anymore, and then delving heavily into a passion like building soapbox racers or flying a kite or tobogganing..
I really like it~~ @__@
But I think your other mindset when you're not dwelling is a fine one. It's the one I mentioned to Pau! You don't have to think yourself fantabulous, but the body gets the job done in most cases. Focus on that aspect and enjoy what you can do with your body. Even decorating it or working on parts of it if that strikes your fancy.
If you want to write the letter, you need to think about what you might get as a reaction from how and how it would affect you, since this isn't about her and is about you.
(For example--these won't necessarily happen, so don't panic!: What if she blew the email/letter off? What if she NEVER responds back? Or what if on the off chance she wants to get back with you and declares undying love? What if she gives you a scathing letter about all your flaws and how she resents you?)
If you feel you will get some kind of emotional catharsis/release OR panic from any kind of response, then you are probably not ready to deal with it and should not contact her, especially if she says it's better you don't talk.
You're still too attached and the fact you even bother looking at facebook pictures of her is a flag and you are not over her yet. You've been healing and getting on with life, but it's still sore.
Don't pick at scabs, man.
Perhaps you are reaching an early mid-life crisis?
I think a lot of us feel the same way in not becoming who we wanted or planned to, but that's not the worst thing. Younger-us didn't know what was in store and was a little less wise life-experience-wise, you know? But younger-us may have also had good ideas you forgot about, and it might be okay to look back on those with wiser eyes and see how feasible some goals can be now.
Try to go and show your appreciation for their efforts. You can mention how you've been in kind of a slump and see how that goes.
Who knows where all the anxiety is coming from, but maybe it was just a little thing? I think we tend to worry more about the feeling of anxiety and feeling it again than an actual event or circumstance causing it. It's like how a panic attack starts morphing into "fear of getting a panic attack". I hope the feelings subside form you more and you can work on things you want to. Maybe focus on changing your diet/lifestyle habits if you think it will make you feel better? Take it easy. One thing at a time.
It's awesome that you have been clean for so long though, and hopefully over time that scorched path in your mind will eventually grow weedy or grassy again and it won't be so much of a deep craving for you. Don't feel bad about having the craving, brain things happen. Just let yourself get distracted by other things and hopefully it will pass.
----- ALSO OTHER THINGS I DIDN'T QUOTE BUT IN CASE I FORGET I WANNA BLURT STUFF OUT ------
Foffy
You said you wanted to be able to do things to help others since you subscribed to the idea that it might be the only worthwhile purpose you have now, but found it frustrating that there are so many barriers to just being able to DO IT, right?
My musing after reading that was that it seems like you need to have more patience on the matter. I know you said that you believed in making the most of the moment because the future was uncertain and you don't' want to be wasting time, but I feel you might be too focused on getting instant gratification with doing your good works.
Maybe it will take a while for a volunteering position to open up for you, but you can still be doing good things while you are waiting too. Building awareness for causes and showing your support can help too. What you are doing and responding to people in the forum and trying to help and build understanding with them is also something!
If you feel the impact for doing those things is too small, maybe you can have a bigger impact if you can get trained in the area, like taking classes in the service field you're interested in (e.g. CPR/First AID, counselling/psych, sociology, media studies).
Also, it will be healthier if you don't look down on employment opportunities as if they are nothing but helping line someone else's pockets. While true, people are also doing this to feed their families, take care of their friends, and also.. to sustain themselves and be able to fund their true passions. In some cases, people work in order to give away what they make for charitable causes. Plus, it's not a bad thing if you happen to be a people-oriented person and are actually one of the nice service industry people working so you can brighten someone's day.
In short, there's many ways to be of service to others and make the world a better place. Have patience for yourself and remind yourself that your goal is important to you and you want to be able to make a different in people's lives for the better. That orients you in a good place and you can go from there. Maybe there won't be a tomorrow, but you will be good. And maybe there will be very many tomorrows and you will have been working on spreading good things for all of those days. That is not a wasted life.
Windam
Congrats on the possible job~! One hour is actually not so bad. I remember taking 2 to just go to classes. And it currently takes me about 30-45 to get to work right now. At least you get to make the money back. XD One and a half hour's of work will pay off your fare and the rest is gravy! Even better profit if you have a Metropass, n'est-ce pas??? (Oh gosh, I hope I Frenched that right..)
And if you go to your classes, you will appreciate having a Metropass anyway. So really, it will work out no matter what you end up doing.
Though hopefully you so get a more conveniently-located job.
But bring your 3DS or time-wasting device (or homework) and learn to enjoy and make use of the travel. Think of it as chauffeur service, and you will feel better.
I had over 9 hours of sleep last day and it was pretty nice~
Bagels also started a pencil thread and I saw it and it was really cute.
Woah, sorry about your losses. That sounds incredibly devastating. Who knows those events actually triggered what you have now, but it likely didn't help at all. Or maybe it in a way dug you a new depth to go to, so now your lows are even lower than they used to be.
I also keep thinking I have cyclothymia I look it up. I have periods of pep and activity (working on "ideas" and not sleeping and having great feelings about how awesome I am) and then slumps or avoiding everything (don't wanna look at mail, bank account, answer texts, go out). There are also neutral plateaus, which I guess is kind of now. And that's when I get most tedious stuff done. Each period lasts for a week or more usually. Well, maybe my slumps lasts a couple of months actually. >_> Luckily, I have enough anxiety to kick me into meeting important deadlines for academic purposes after procrastinating forever, but yeah, I wish I were in hypomanic zone more often even if it means burning myself out with lack of sleep.
But I don't know. I PROBABLY don't have it since it's all self-diagnosis, but it's good you're getting it looked into! I never did. I think when I got hit with actual clinical depression, I forgot to mention about the other stuff, so I never really did anything about that. I also don't mind it very much, so maybe it's not a problem. Well, it does hinder getting life goals done, but I'm kind of complacent too.. >__> Good luck on getting in learning to control that part of you more, or at least learn to use it to your advantage.
I think you bring it up because you in a way feel like the universe isn't fair and you want it to be (and somehow, that means you taking the place of your friend). And it's generally true that the universe is a little bit random and frustrating and not everything makes sense, but you do the best with your own situation. Your life is yours to live, and I think your family, spirituality, and hobbies are fine things to have a reason to live for! Love from family, sense of place in the universe, and enjoyment from things you can do. Those are all great things to know you have to live for.
I know how the burden of expectations feels like. And it's hard. We don't want to let anyone, including ourselves, down. I'm usually terrified of high expectations because I fear not being able to reach them. I'd much rather someone expect little to nothing and be pleasantly surprised. But it doesn't work that way. I guess I can't completely control what people think and hope for.
But it's important to feel like your family expects a lot from you because they hold you in high esteem or they want good things for you. Sometimes they may not be able to articulate that well, but try to give them the benefit of the doubt and do what makes sense for you and helps you feel happy and fulfilled. If it means a simple life, then that's good too. The world is capable of sustaining all sorts of people to live in it despite what you might be led to believe.
If you feel such a great sense of unfairness, that you aren't contributing enough in place of your friend, then maybe that's a place to start to get out of feeling stuck? Although it sounds like you might already volunteer and be a good person in general if your religion guides you to being a fair and loving person. If so, remind yourself that everyone falls short of perfection, but what you do in spite of them, your effort toward doing good things and appreciating your ability to do so are what to focus on.
Yes. If you know you have issues about certain things, don't trigger and aggravate them further without like... guidance! XD It's like like picking a scab. Stop!
Also, you have like.. a body that's not a broken down mess and that's pretty good. I know your brain is going to twist it into feeling like you have nothing still, despite the compliments you get and people trying to counter your feelings, but I find it's easier to focus on what your body can do instead of just what it looks like.
I hope that therapist you saw is living with some kind of guilt and shame for even mentioning those things. I mean for SOME people, yeah, they want that body modification and they get it and they feel great, but it sounds like she didn't know what she was saying at all to you. Or perhaps she had similar issues or watched too much "What Not to Wear" and it worked for her?? Who knows. Her lack of sensitivity is pretty galling.
I am not going to suggest that you adore every part of yourself as if it's perfect, because it's totally okay to be annoyed about things about yourself and wish it were slightly more this or that, but it's not good to let it fester into deep hatred. It's kind of like being annoyed or disliking an acquaintance. Yeah, you might not seeing them around and you may avoid them when it's convenient for you, but in moderation. It's bad when it gets to the point that you obsess about your hatred over them and wishing they wouldn't exist and change your life upside-down to avoid anything to do with them.
Be okay with what makes your body still useful to you and even appreciate that it functions--and probably functions well--for what it is. You don't have to omg-love-it, but once you appreciate little things about your body, you could grow into a warmth about it.. a "mutual understanding" if you will. I think that's all anyone can really ask for in the great scheme of things. lol
Did you have to take 6 classes? Why not just 3-4 if you feel overwhelmed? I totally took an extra year to finish my degree. I kind of say that sheepishly as I did spend extra money a little needlessly, but what's done is done and it's not so bad, really.
Are you getting the panic attacks while in class or while you're just looking over the material at home?
I feel like maybe it's just an overall lack of structure that makes you feel so overwhelmed. Like you don't know where to start or what if you start but don't ___, and then ____. (Visually for me, it's like staring at a big void of open space and possibility and the sky is so big and overwhelming and you just want to hide in a hole and under a rock and not have to deal with it. >_>)
What always made me feel better is getting my daytimer/agenda out and start writing down due dates of major exams and projects, and then reading assignments/chapters to read. I also mentally set aside time in my head to read, so I know i read 30 pages/hour usually. Sometimes that dips to 15-20 pages/hour if I need to process everything and it gets technical (like if a lot of biological terms are involved). That way, I know how much time i need each day or end of the week to just sit and read by myself with no distractions. Also let your family know this is what you're doing so they can stay out of your way. If they are serious about wanting you to succeed, they will likely leave you alone (or bug you by trying to pamper you with prepped drinks and meals lol--but sometimes it's nice. I get pretty hungry studying but I don't have time in my "schedule" to make food for myself).
Also, if some classes are particularly confusing or seemingly difficult, I hope they have lecture slides for you to print out. That way you can take notes alongside the lecture (my school did this a lot). If it's uploaded before the lecture, print those out and skim it before the lecture. Then you can be kind of bored during lecture because you went over it already, and you can take notes for things that surprise you, leading to better memory (since you go over it twice, took notes for important bits). And then when you go over it again for the exam, you will feel so bored and prepped! Also set aside cram-time or study time before exams so you can look over the lecture notes and textbook material. Take notes form the textbook too, so in the hours before your exam, you can look over your notes of textbook notes and your lecture notes. That should be enough boring repetition to give you a good taste of the material.
You had passed the majority of your classes before, so what you have been doing probably works too, so I don't know if anything I said is applicable or something you haven't tried yet, but you are prepared. You SOMEHOW made it through the other years after all!
Give yourself structure, quantifiable time chunks, a place to be, a certain kind of environment, so if you feel your panic setting in you can remind yourself you have a plan and things will feel stable again and that you're going to focus on your plan (and when you don't feel in panic, you can stray form the plan a little and goof off and procrastinate. lol We have to know the rules in order to bend and break them, so we have to give ourselves the structure and organization in order to enjoy our freedom when we deviate). I hope that helps you even a little bit!
Congrats on talking! Talking is hard so you did good! Give yourself a couple of points.
\This is a pretty awesome victory song. XD Like dancing in the streets in circles, throwing mundane objects into the air because you don't need them anymore, and then delving heavily into a passion like building soapbox racers or flying a kite or tobogganing..
I really like it~~ @__@
I think there's a certain taste for Schadenfreude (the revelling in other's misfortunes), so she probably thought that was both informative to you (even though not really) and funny (even though also not really) even if she was "serious". People just like cutting others down onto their level as a way to share their "view" of the world, I think. But a lot of the times it's in an arrogant, presumptuous manner that is not at all necessary and is really about feeling power.
But I think your other mindset when you're not dwelling is a fine one. It's the one I mentioned to Pau! You don't have to think yourself fantabulous, but the body gets the job done in most cases. Focus on that aspect and enjoy what you can do with your body. Even decorating it or working on parts of it if that strikes your fancy.
Maybe nothing has triggered it and it's just one of those "things" that happens once in a while. It's good to hear that before then you were doing okay. I guess just keep reminding yourself that this is temporary and you will come back out of it again, and until then you can pamper yourself a little more, takes extra time to enjoy yourself, and continue one with what you can.
I think what you wrote shows that you are still too invested in her unnecessarily.
If you want to write the letter, you need to think about what you might get as a reaction from how and how it would affect you, since this isn't about her and is about you.
(For example--these won't necessarily happen, so don't panic!: What if she blew the email/letter off? What if she NEVER responds back? Or what if on the off chance she wants to get back with you and declares undying love? What if she gives you a scathing letter about all your flaws and how she resents you?)
If you feel you will get some kind of emotional catharsis/release OR panic from any kind of response, then you are probably not ready to deal with it and should not contact her, especially if she says it's better you don't talk.
You're still too attached and the fact you even bother looking at facebook pictures of her is a flag and you are not over her yet. You've been healing and getting on with life, but it's still sore.
Don't pick at scabs, man.
Have you been feeling this way for a very long time?
Perhaps you are reaching an early mid-life crisis?
I think a lot of us feel the same way in not becoming who we wanted or planned to, but that's not the worst thing. Younger-us didn't know what was in store and was a little less wise life-experience-wise, you know? But younger-us may have also had good ideas you forgot about, and it might be okay to look back on those with wiser eyes and see how feasible some goals can be now.
Try to go and show your appreciation for their efforts. You can mention how you've been in kind of a slump and see how that goes.
Who knows where all the anxiety is coming from, but maybe it was just a little thing? I think we tend to worry more about the feeling of anxiety and feeling it again than an actual event or circumstance causing it. It's like how a panic attack starts morphing into "fear of getting a panic attack". I hope the feelings subside form you more and you can work on things you want to. Maybe focus on changing your diet/lifestyle habits if you think it will make you feel better? Take it easy. One thing at a time.
I think after use of a drug takes into effect and your lifestyle being centred around it, it kind of scorches a memory into your brain, so it's not something that you can easily forget, even after many years. Especially since drugs give you a high or crazy heightened sense of pleasure, it tends to be remembered no matter what, much like a very fond childhood memory you might keep replaying in your head. In a way, it sounds like nostalgia (except since this turned into a bad thing for you, maybe it's more like PTSD from a traumatic event).
It's awesome that you have been clean for so long though, and hopefully over time that scorched path in your mind will eventually grow weedy or grassy again and it won't be so much of a deep craving for you. Don't feel bad about having the craving, brain things happen. Just let yourself get distracted by other things and hopefully it will pass.
----- ALSO OTHER THINGS I DIDN'T QUOTE BUT IN CASE I FORGET I WANNA BLURT STUFF OUT ------
Foffy
You said you wanted to be able to do things to help others since you subscribed to the idea that it might be the only worthwhile purpose you have now, but found it frustrating that there are so many barriers to just being able to DO IT, right?
My musing after reading that was that it seems like you need to have more patience on the matter. I know you said that you believed in making the most of the moment because the future was uncertain and you don't' want to be wasting time, but I feel you might be too focused on getting instant gratification with doing your good works.
Maybe it will take a while for a volunteering position to open up for you, but you can still be doing good things while you are waiting too. Building awareness for causes and showing your support can help too. What you are doing and responding to people in the forum and trying to help and build understanding with them is also something!
If you feel the impact for doing those things is too small, maybe you can have a bigger impact if you can get trained in the area, like taking classes in the service field you're interested in (e.g. CPR/First AID, counselling/psych, sociology, media studies).
Also, it will be healthier if you don't look down on employment opportunities as if they are nothing but helping line someone else's pockets. While true, people are also doing this to feed their families, take care of their friends, and also.. to sustain themselves and be able to fund their true passions. In some cases, people work in order to give away what they make for charitable causes. Plus, it's not a bad thing if you happen to be a people-oriented person and are actually one of the nice service industry people working so you can brighten someone's day.
In short, there's many ways to be of service to others and make the world a better place. Have patience for yourself and remind yourself that your goal is important to you and you want to be able to make a different in people's lives for the better. That orients you in a good place and you can go from there. Maybe there won't be a tomorrow, but you will be good. And maybe there will be very many tomorrows and you will have been working on spreading good things for all of those days. That is not a wasted life.
Windam
Congrats on the possible job~! One hour is actually not so bad. I remember taking 2 to just go to classes. And it currently takes me about 30-45 to get to work right now. At least you get to make the money back. XD One and a half hour's of work will pay off your fare and the rest is gravy! Even better profit if you have a Metropass, n'est-ce pas??? (Oh gosh, I hope I Frenched that right..)
And if you go to your classes, you will appreciate having a Metropass anyway. So really, it will work out no matter what you end up doing.
Though hopefully you so get a more conveniently-located job.
But bring your 3DS or time-wasting device (or homework) and learn to enjoy and make use of the travel. Think of it as chauffeur service, and you will feel better.
I understand patience is important, but it is not as if I wish to do something and in minutes see it blossom into a solution. I would simply prefer my labors at present be simply put into action. I don't care for results, or the endgame, but I want to be on the road to doing something, with tangible, concrete proof this is so. Right now all I have is hopefully a rational, clear focus and intent. I only wish to start planting seeds.
Regarding employment, I only look down on it compared to how we as people are conditioned to live. In America, the game is to do whatever for money so you can live, which is to only go on to do whatever for money. That, to me, is absolutely unacceptable to live with. Whether or not others do it is none of my business, but for me, I feel like such a disconnection occurs. That situation often becomes a series of self-serving acts; we tell people to do what they like. Why? Because it's for their benefit! We tell people to get high paying jobs. Why? Because it's for their benefit! This is not to say that good cannot be done within those things, but I truly realize I am not a standalone wave in the ocean of life, but I, and all life, are all a part of the same ocean. This is why I aim for work and vocations where that is the central goal. There is no need to stuff myself with such things like benefits and money when knowing full well there are those who have nothing. I don't take blessings in what I have to those that do not have, I am one of those sorts of people who wants to get up and help those who do not have, particularly in the cases of where it is objective suffrage occurring. I don't want to lay in my bed comfy and happy knowing full well there are people in beds where they will never walk out of again. I would rather spend my time with those people, doing what I can. If this meant I had to give up the comfort of my home, and the things I like to do, I would do it without hesitation. It, just simply put, matters.
For there to be a me, a self, there must be a contrast; a you, an other. You cannot have a foreground without a background. It's when I realized that I find it very hard to be longful for the idea of working at Wal-Mart and stocking items when compared to, say, going to Africa and actually accomplishing the task of getting people clean water. These types of things are profoundly disconnected from one another that it makes me abandon the one that I feel is hollow in trying to live literally for the betterment of others. One might lead to something nice being done for a customer, but the other has direct, absolutely apparent results that are not refutable under any context. I would rather deal with the latter than the former, regardless of any smiles I could bring to faces. The latter, bluntly, is simply more important. Period. And it's that sort of stuff I find so hard to even find as an option. I am sure I could work at Wal-Mart and handle all of the petty politics of anti-union horseshit, but in order for me to do that, I feel I have to become a disingenuous person. I have to "fake" myself to handle how I am spending my time. I know with full confidence it could easily be spent elsewhere, doing something more important. The question and concern for me is where are the ropes I can start yanking on, to find those important pockets I can work at soon.
To me, what the goals of the task at hand are far more important than the money I could attain from it. I only cite money as we really live in a world today where people feel like they have no choice but to work fast food, and these tasks only better themselves, when there are places where children don't even have homes. Both of these scenarios are tragic, and I only want to cement myself directly in the direction of the other, not me, even if that leads to me suffering. I have long abandoned many ideas society tells us. I don't want a home for the earth is my home, regardless of what patch of land I'm on. I have long abandoned the idea of family for I try to love all live and things equally, so there is no need to pick a favorite. I have long etched away the idea of retirement, for the concept of it to me is absolutely baffling. It implies a period of time where one simply..stops. Does a dog stop being a dog? No, but why do we tell humans to do things only humans can do, but there's a hypothetical period where they are told to stop and they can reap the rewards for the rest of their days? This is not considering the fact that retirement itself, like job security, is a genuine false promise. None of that shit is not guaranteed. If I were to sum what I believe to be objective truths, it is the following: suffering, on some level, happens to life on this earth. Time, and life itself, are the two most precious currencies in the cosmos. You can reprint money, but money has no objective value (this is another reason why I won't live for it, and in ways look down upon it if it's the main rule in actions), for it is all subjectively inferred TO us. Without life, and without time, there would surely be nothing. I only aim to use my life, and my time, as a vessel to make the lives and the time of others better. Anything else of this world that we long for, for whatever reason, is a genuine extra. I would rather deal with those in hospice wards than deal with those at McDonalds. I would rather try to grasp the pure horror and human atrocities of war crimes first hand than I would to sit in an office and write about it. The things I would rather do are not the culture I am familiar with have readily available to me. Instead, it's all of the fluff I don't want, no matter how prevalent it is. To me, all of that is hollow. What I want, what I find to be tangible, is a game of cat and mouse for me to find.
So I'm thinking the job thing may be a bust now. No answer whenever I call back. :/
Edit: Nevermind. Got them on the phone. Didn't get the job because apparently they don't work fixed schedules; you have to go in at different times all the time, so despite me more or less having Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays and weekends off to work, I can't get the job because I may have classes when they want me to work. Oh well.
Edit: Nevermind. Got them on the phone. Didn't get the job because apparently they don't work fixed schedules; you have to go in at different times all the time, so despite me more or less having Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays and weekends off to work, I can't get the job because I may have classes when they want me to work. Oh well.
Well, had my "first" session with my "new" therapist today. I didn't have to reinvent the wheel or anything with her since she co-led the graduate student group therapy I have been in for a year.
It's good to be back in individual. I've missed it. Excited about the direction it will go.
It's good to be back in individual. I've missed it. Excited about the direction it will go.
Prax
Member
Your thoughts are very Buddhist (actually, I am sure they are coming from that school of thought! I read a book once~ lol --It was called "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" by Sogyal Rinpoche -- I really liked it and thought a lot more about compassion and suffering and learning to let go but also enjoying myself) and I think I understand most of it and your frustration. It's true that we live in a society that hinders us in so many ways from just making things better. It's good that you feel connected and what to do these things and relieve suffering in the world. Your compassion for people is really admirable and I hope you are able to find an outlet for it soon since you can help many people.
Maybe it's my pragmatism talking, but it also seems like a lot of the things you want to do require money or the charity of others to give you the opportunity to do them unless you somehow do it yourself. Whether by kickstarting a campaign to travel to a foreign country or needy area, or finding an organization that has the funding to handle the logistics. I know it's not about the money to you, but for good or bad, money is the symbolic tool we use to get things done for most of the world.
And despite your belief in most things having no meaning (the fluff and tedium of modern life), your frustration with it all seems like it's growing into a bitterness that I am not sure is healthy for you? The way you word your thoughts toward those things in general speaks of a greater disdain than those meaningless things merit, don't you think?
I don't really want to attack your beliefs or way of thinking, but I myself do not like to see you suffering like this so I wonder if a change in your thinking will help you see from an even wider perspective. You will be able to do good in the world with the ambition and intent you have. But you do need a plan to execute it, so I hope you do find a way to do so.
The book I mentioned in case anyone wants to read too (some of it gets into really trippy metaphysics/unprovable stuff so ymmyv, but the philosophy in general was cool):
MisterLuffy
Member
I hate when my parents humiliate me, I know what they were trying to do but sometimes they could get into my nerves. For example, they always tell me, well mostly my dad, stated that if a person whose young as me can drive, work, etc. then why can you (me) do it? I hate hearing that which was discouraging. Or encouraging if your jealous. This is the type of reason on why I want to move out. I'm not a good person, I never volunteered. What's sad that I never donated during the month of Ramadan or gave money to my parents when they needed it. Good person? I don't fall under that category. I've sinned a lot then doing good deeds. I'm not that religious even though I pray sometimes. I don't appreciate myself because I don't put the effort into following the path into something that will lead me to a better life. No one should love me as I don't love or forgive myself.
Various Artists
Banned
Man, I feel like I've crashed hard over the last 10 days or so. I finally took the jump and made an appointment but its not til Tuesday so its just trucking it til then.
Keep your head up guys and gals. Tomorrow is a new day.
Keep your head up guys and gals. Tomorrow is a new day.
My worry is that this has passed from a noble sense of altruism into something that will end up doing you a great deal of harm, Foffy. It sounds like you're already well on your way - you want to help people in a very grand way, so badly that it's destroying your own mental health. I can understand not wanting to stock shelves, even if you'd use the money to help others, while there are people starving in Africa. But if you go to Africa and help a village get water, will that get you to stop thinking about the next village full of people starving, or people suffering for other reasons around the world? You seem to feel others pain very acutely. That is a noble thing, but there is more pain in the world than any one person can possibly take on. Somehow we all have to learn not to feel it all the time. Most of us choose to remain blissfully ignorant of anything outside our immediate surroundings; that's not good, either. But I really think you're driving yourself crazy with all of this.
You're so focused on doing something RIGHT NOW - it seems intolerable to sit in a classroom and learn things, even if they might help you to make a bigger difference - that I'm not sure how you're going to be able to apply to the Peace Corps, or save money to travel to Africa, or develop a skill set that will be of most use to a charitable organization. I hope you can find a way to be more patient with yourself as you try to make your dream a reality.
We're different people, but your denial of self seems extreme to me. I take enormous strength from having a family - I don't think of it as choosing a group of "favorite" people to put above everyone else. Loving my wife and son (and parents, brothers, close friends, etc.) seems to amplify the love I have for everyone - that energy is not all turned inwards.
When I think of the people in this community who have been helpful to me (and I could name so many people), I can't think of anyone who I appreciate because they choose to deny their own needs and live entirely for other people. Rather, they share something of their own self with me - that's what is so helpful. Someone like Pau, who I'll pick on because she's one of my favorite people in the world and I don't want to pass up a chance to say so, is so helpful and so amazing to have as a friend because she is totally unique and, hard as it can be for her sometimes, she does know who she is. There's a self there, a wonderful, beautiful self. It doesn't drive you away because she has her own needs, rather, it gives you this strong sense that you want to end up in her orbit.
I'm probably not making sense and even if I am, I'm sure you disagree. But I hope you can see that trying to live entirely for others, every second of your life, is absolutely eating you up. I don't think it will help anyone to watch you be consumed by your desire to live for everyone but yourself.
iamdarkcloud
Member
So I'm bipolar, hadn't been on meds since 2005, was in a great relationship - married for 5 years, and she left me because my cycling got to be too much. I would get pretty moody when I would get manic -- verbally abusive and all that. Have been on meds since she left but going through the med cycle (which I have been on before) which makes my cycles sometimes even worse than before. Fell into a substance abuse thing (which I had done before) - not talking drinking and smoking grass, but more on the lines of eating acid, shooting coke, snorting whatever came in front of me. Almost a month sober off of that stuff, she won't have anything to do with me -- the marriage is done and I am a total wreck. Still hanging in at my job, meds are finally at a stage where they are helping (amazing what staying off of hard drugs and lightening up on drinking will do). Right now I am on epitol (tegratol) -- feel like I am waking up after years of being cloudy headed, but I don't know what to do with my life. I graduated with a liberal arts degree that I can do absolutely nothing with, still living in the city where she is still going to school -- my friends are hit or miss, either drown our sorrows in the drink or something harder. I don't know what to do -- I sleep a lot, try to get into hobbies but nothing is helping.
Your thoughts are very Buddhist (actually, I am sure they are coming from that school of thought! I read a book once~ lol --It was called "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" by Sogyal Rinpoche -- I really liked it and thought a lot more about compassion and suffering and learning to let go but also enjoying myself) and I think I understand most of it and your frustration. It's true that we live in a society that hinders us in so many ways from just making things better. It's good that you feel connected and what to do these things and relieve suffering in the world. Your compassion for people is really admirable and I hope you are able to find an outlet for it soon since you can help many people.
Maybe it's my pragmatism talking, but it also seems like a lot of the things you want to do require money or the charity of others to give you the opportunity to do them unless you somehow do it yourself. Whether by kickstarting a campaign to travel to a foreign country or needy area, or finding an organization that has the funding to handle the logistics. I know it's not about the money to you, but for good or bad, money is the symbolic tool we use to get things done for most of the world.
And despite your belief in most things having no meaning (the fluff and tedium of modern life), your frustration with it all seems like it's growing into a bitterness that I am not sure is healthy for you? The way you word your thoughts toward those things in general speaks of a greater disdain than those meaningless things merit, don't you think?
I don't really want to attack your beliefs or way of thinking, but I myself do not like to see you suffering like this so I wonder if a change in your thinking will help you see from an even wider perspective. You will be able to do good in the world with the ambition and intent you have. But you do need a plan to execute it, so I hope you do find a way to do so.
The book I mentioned in case anyone wants to read too (some of it gets into really trippy metaphysics/unprovable stuff so ymmyv, but the philosophy in general was cool):
I am not so sure I would call it Buddhism in the sense that I don't believe in reincarnation or deities. I would say it's more akin to Pantheism, but I would also infer the idea that Buddhism is the science of the mind, of thought, in some cases with how I think. It is less about testing the observable world but observing the observable world. It is based on that, along with the wise words from the late Carl Sagan and Alan Watts that really have shaped my worldview. Both of those men spoke pure ether in truth, and I implore anyone here who doesn't know who they are to listen to their words. They're diamonds.
Regarding your pragmatism, that does seem to be the means of operations at present. Regardless of that, I do wish to still do something now, in the short term. I know money is the main ruleset of our society, and while one always has the option of checking out of that game, I cannot. For if I were to check out and live like a hermit, I would be devoid of not only technology to communicate with people like we are now, but I would surely be aware from societies, where there is life, and in turn, there is eventually suffering. I don't see the positives of getting away from those I wish to be near despite the negative con of what we hold as the epicenter to living. It is why in the case I may need money, I would hope to be in a position to get something, just to keep playing by the rules. I don't want to, or want it, but I must take what I want to do with whatever baggage comes with it. For now, I have no expenses to speak of, so I am free to volunteer without the means of money. The sad thing is my efforts seem to enter dead ends. This only makes me worrisome as I fear that my vocation for college will follow suit. At present I am pursuing social work, and with the way things are going now, I do wonder if that too will be all intent but no practical doing-ness of actual work.
What I also meant about nothing else having any meaning isn't really me being negative about it. By meaning I mean objectively, something that is so plain, so truthful, so obvious that it is. Much of life and what we do or think is subjective. This is how we can infer various different interpretations about religious texts, how we can infer various different ideologies between warring factions, all of that is a flakey slippery slope of one's self inference. I perhaps get so hostile on it out of impulse, out of people often judging me because I lack much experience doing such work. It is not that I am lazy, it is simply because it is not what I want to do. And when people hear that, they think I want to have a good time, be rich, and most definitely am lazy. I hope I have made it quite clear I want to get into the thick of things and be smothered by it all, and work with whatever that plate of mud happens to be. I don't necessarily hold myself higher than such things, it is simply of a realm of possibilities that is close to zero on what I would possibly do. There is simply more to be done elsewhere in my eyes. It is also why I am pushing for this so firmly. I would prefer to have a start in it so it appears I am not sitting on the sidelines, which again is only enforced by people looking at what I lack in practical, actual accomplishments.
I am not sure if it's reached that point. My central concern really is just getting a start. It's less about hoping for one and clawing for one. Hope can only accomplish so much. To me, if I were to significantly, greatly aid someone or something else on this planet, I will have lived a great life without regrets. I don't need to be on the moon, or to have a statue carved of my likeness, but something so simple, so basic, so plain, so..elementary, seems far from my grasp. It is why up until this very moment I have not lived a worthwhile life. It is also why I wish to change it, knowing full well of that. I am not objectionable to learning things in classrooms, as long as it has a purpose outside of the classroom. You can teach me all you want about data about families, gender, and all of that stuff, but it does very little for me when you're teaching me what I know, and I can't exactly do anything directly outside of the classroom. What you preach is common knowledge to someone like me, so basic it doesn't even warrant explanation otherwise. Regarding the claim you made about one person not being able to handle all of that, I think I have a simple response. I never claimed I could handle all of it, nor have I ever once claimed I can solve it. The only thing I have said is I want to do something about it for however long as I exist. If that means low scale efforts, fine. If that means larger networks of things, fine. The point for me is to simply do something. Not one-hundred things, or the next thing, or the thing after that, but something. What am I doing, sitting here and talking? What have I solved? What am I doing about it? Nothing at all.
Regarding the whole love jazz, I feel the need to clarify. Perhaps using the term favorites was misplaced, but I believe the rest does stand. What I meant by favorites was to look at all unconditionally, almost to the point I would be paralyzed between saving someone I knew and an absolute stranger. That is the level I wish to make everyone to me; nothing more than pure equals, for all life matters the same. No more, no less. It all either matters, or all doesn't matter. It is in that sense that I aim to love everyone the same, and feel no need for a family. For the cosmos is my family, for we are all literally connected atomically, biologically, chemically, and even environmentally, despite the distance between states and countries. It's all from the same source. To me, that is fine enough. I need nothing else.
Your concerns about me living for others and not for me, I feel, is a little unfounded. It may look this way right now, sure, but I felt I have had enough time to enjoy myself. I have had lots of free time, where I've done things I have wanted to do for myself. The point is I have only switched the gear to 11, realizing I have done too much of that and not enough for the other, who I have often been aware of. I have practically spent almost this entire year doing what I wanted, and to me, that is enough time for now. My free time should be the time that calms between events, it should not literally be all of my time. It is that at present, and I wish to skin that chicken and fix it. I can always pull back and make time for myself, for nobody controls me outside of me, but for now I want to get away from what I would refer to as a laid back, easy going lifestyle and more serious, forward-moving one. This is further desired now that all of the plans I had for the fall no longer exist, so I don't want to take even more time being like this, being laid back. It's enough for now.
Random thought of the day: criticism and negative comments are different things. When we realize this perhaps we will begin to think differently. Opinions and factual statements are different things too. One is subjective, the other objective. When we understand these terms, or relearn them to see how it applies to the way we think, perhaps we will be able to reassess our views of the world we inhabit, our selves in that space, and begin to lead fulfilling, happy and meaningful lives. 
DJ Lushious
Member
For starters, don't turn back to drugs. Stay on your currently prescribed medicine and go see a counselor. Going through a divorce must be so emotionally devastating, having a professional in your life is going to be even more important now than ever.
Sitting here, filling out job applications, and I can't shake that familiar feeling that I've screwed up. That I should have made more of my time in college so I could have more options and wouldn't have to look at grocery stores. I shouldn't be taking it so hard; this is the situation for most post-grads, after all. And I do need a job. But still, I just feel like I should be doing more. Looking for more.
My family is no help, of course. They agree I should just take whatever. That's probably the part that sucks the most; that the people who are supposed to be helping me don't give a damn about what I actually want.
My family is no help, of course. They agree I should just take whatever. That's probably the part that sucks the most; that the people who are supposed to be helping me don't give a damn about what I actually want.
ClassyPenguin
Banned
Job applications, ugh. I may have developed some kind of phobia to them due to filing hundreds of them per week during the recession and the only ones calling me back were places that could not accept that I was going to school (inflexible job schedules) or 5 a week night shifts.
Hey guys. Introduced myself the other day. Long story short, I'm the guy with an anxiety disorder and depression.
Finally got a hard date settled for my first therapy session. It's at a local library this Tuesday. Little nervous about it, but mostly feeling positive I guess. Things can only get better.
Found most of today shitty. Though had a few friends around later on and that was good. I almost feel that if I'm doing anything that's slightly out of the ordinary, I have a constant feeling of having been in a near miss. Like I've gotten a sudden hit of adrenaline, I feel shaky and I have a sinking feeling in my stomach.
I was godfather at a christening recently and it was good. But I was seriously having a rough time too, especially when it came to photographs. I literally can't smile when I'm nervous, like my face won't allow it. Then I was nervous, that I felt like I was ruining peoples photos.
Just thought I'd rant for a little there. I find the idea of this thread encouraging and it's nice to see people helping each other. I'd definitely like to get to know you guys.
Finally got a hard date settled for my first therapy session. It's at a local library this Tuesday. Little nervous about it, but mostly feeling positive I guess. Things can only get better.
Found most of today shitty. Though had a few friends around later on and that was good. I almost feel that if I'm doing anything that's slightly out of the ordinary, I have a constant feeling of having been in a near miss. Like I've gotten a sudden hit of adrenaline, I feel shaky and I have a sinking feeling in my stomach.
I was godfather at a christening recently and it was good. But I was seriously having a rough time too, especially when it came to photographs. I literally can't smile when I'm nervous, like my face won't allow it. Then I was nervous, that I felt like I was ruining peoples photos.
Just thought I'd rant for a little there. I find the idea of this thread encouraging and it's nice to see people helping each other. I'd definitely like to get to know you guys.
Write the letter on a piece of paper, as truthful and honest as possible with everything you want to say, then burn it and move on with your life.
Helping people to satisfy your desire to help people or to alleviate your guilt or unhappiness over the suffering of others may be noble, but it is just as self-serving as working for money. The businessmen making their millions and the workers providing for their family and the aid-workers helping the suffering are all ultimately just satisfying their own desires, fighting their own fears, looking for their own meaning in life.
If you have no expenses then it sounds like your life is relatively easy. You should be happy with that. You may have a desire to help people, but you shouldn't be a slave to that desire. You should be the master of your desires, you should be in control of your desires and use them to serve whatever purpose it is that you choose. If your efforts so far haven't worked, then improve or increase your efforts, if that is not enough then why not start your own organisation?
Colombia.
I do feel a lot better when I'm out of the country though. My family (and the general culture) is just insane when it comes to beauty standards. And I wouldn't know about one person saying something negative being more impacting. I've been hearing mostly negative things my whole life, and I tend to throughout the day when I live with my mum, so even if online people are being kind about this stuff (And I do very much appreciate it), that's not my typical experience. I have no idea how it works in Colombia. But she's also my sister's therapist, and it's worked out for her very well. I wouldn't want to take that away from her.
I'm gonna try to still find counseling through my campus now that I'm back in the United States.
Fellow gaffer Lissar made it for me when I got diagnosed earlier this summer. She's super lovely and talented. :3
I know I shouldn't aggravate it, but when so much of the imagery and discussion around me focuses on the sexualization of women, it's almost impossible. As for my therapist, she used to have image issues as well, but got over them, and would spend a lot of the sessions talking about how everyone thinks she's absolutely gorgeous and hot.
I suppose my body functions well when it's not trying to kill me with cancer.
ThoseDeafMutes
Member
Colombia.
Well I don't know what to say. We're not just 'being kind', and the behavior you're reporting from your family is mystifying. I hope things work out for you.
Femmeworth
Banned
Frankly I know next to nothing about Colombia, but that does not give me a good impression of it.
Darkmakaimura
Can You Imagine What SureAI Is Going To Do With Garfield?
.... the.... hell?
How does this "psychologist" still have a job?
And btw, I've seen a couple pics of you, Pau. You are definitely, at the very least, exceptionally attractive.
With ridiculous criticisms like that, it's no wonder I will never post a photo of myself on the Internet. And I am truly ugly.
I guess some people, like this so-called "psychologist", just (to quote Batman) "want to see the world burn."
Right? Seriously stop seeing people who don't make you comfortable. You're paying them, after all.
ClassyPenguin
Banned
I did find a US vs Colombia study on eating disorders and attitudes toward cosmetic surgery.
http://www.scielo.org.co/scielo.php?pid=S1794-47242011000200008&script=sci_arttext
I'm kinda attracted to flaws or interesting um, characteristics so that desire to be "perfect" is disheartening. Come to think of it, the girls that I was friends when I was younger tended to be tomboys and or skaters and surfers ( SoCal, iknorite) so I dunno, man.
http://www.scielo.org.co/scielo.php?pid=S1794-47242011000200008&script=sci_arttext
I'm kinda attracted to flaws or interesting um, characteristics so that desire to be "perfect" is disheartening. Come to think of it, the girls that I was friends when I was younger tended to be tomboys and or skaters and surfers ( SoCal, iknorite) so I dunno, man.
User 100115
Banned
I agree with this. You are pretty damned hot, in my eyes.
Except for the part about Dark being ugly, but in my opinion, no one is truly ugly unless they are ugly inside.
I'm telling your wife.
Have you ever seen the inside of a human? It ain't pretty, that's for sure! Unless you're into that kinda stuff.
Please don't hit me.
Darkmakaimura
Can You Imagine What SureAI Is Going To Do With Garfield?
Trust me, I'm ugly.
ClassyPenguin
Banned
You seem to have a square black head with no eyes, nose or ears. I'd say being ugly is the least of your problems.
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