NeoGAF Anonymous Confessions 2015 - Bare Your Burdens

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Endruen said:
The problem is that you started spreading them and now you post 3 together. Or maybe that's my feeling because you post them while I'm sleeping, dunno.
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When I wake up in the morning with a headache and see three confessions I'm like "ehh, maybe another time".

I'll get to those earlier confessions some time tonight.
 
I find it far easier to assume I'm generally awesome and that anyone who disagrees is just wrong... or ignorant... or a little bit simple.

\o/

In short, fuck what other people think.
 
Geo said:
I definitely can relate to the feeling of being self-conscious all of the time. It is a feeling I have had since I was about twelve years old. I cannot talk to people without thinking how worthless they must perceive me. I always feel like I'm a problem in every social situation I am confronted with. I feel as though people don't want me there, and they just tolerate me because they have to follow social convention. I have felt this way every day for the last ten years. I also am hyper aware of my surroundings. It's fucking exhausting. When I drive I can barely keep it together sometimes, as I am concentrating on everything at once. I analyze every expression, every possible indication that someone is perceiving me as worthless, when simply in the presence of others. Sometimes I think it's because I want to know so desperately that they think I am worthless, just so I can reaffirm to myself that I am. It would be better to know than to continue to play this mental game every day, but I'm never certain. I have insane thoughts sometimes. I do unexplainable things sometimes as well.

Just like you confessor, I often think about the peaceful state of non-existence. I can't stop sometimes, but I know I have to. Like you, I have dreams that one day I will be able to overcome this madness. That one day, I will be able to do something in life that I never thought I could ten years ago. And it's frightening to think that the day I dream of may never come, but I'm going to fight and try like hell to overcome this shit. I haven't really enjoyed life in about a decade, and I'm sick of it. I used to wonder how I had made it this far. I used to wonder when I was finally going to just crash and burnout.

The only time I ever felt better was when I just accepted that this is who I am. I didn't choose to be this, but there's nothing I can do about that now. I am "negative." I am "strange." I am "insane." So fucking what? I like it. I love it. In the last year I have done things I never thought I could do. I feel more than just emptiness. It's still hard sometimes. I still feel like death would bring peace, and maybe it would, but what's the point? Like you said, what is the point of life? I don't know. What is the point of death? I don't know. Well, might as well experience this thing called life since it's what you got. Yeah sure, it's fucked at times. It's depressing at times. It can make you feel like shit at times, but it can also allow you to feel free. Suicide may bring peace, but it accomplishes nothing since you never can feel the freedom that is desired. Don't you want to know how it's going to feel one day in your soul when you're free from this? Don't you want to be there on that day? I sure as hell do.

Well shit, I was planning on having this let go via confession, but fuck it. Good luck confessor. As someone who has shared in it, and still knows it, I hope with everything I got that you overcome it. I hope you'll be there on that day. Best.
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I wish luck to both of you. I can't even imagine how it's to overanalyze everything as you do, maybe because I'm such a relaxed guy that doesn't give a shit about what other people may think about me.
Keep on living and be happy!
 
I'm learning the hard way that success doesn't equal happiness.

I got a degree in a STEM field followed by a very good job in that field pretty soon after college. I'm making a lot of money and my family's very proud of me.

The trouble is that I'm realizing I don't really have much passion for my field. Creative work seems infinitely more interesting and it's something I enjoy doing in my spare time. My actual job is an office one that I understand objectively is pretty cushy bar occasional high-stress periods, but it saps me something awful. It's not even that I have a bad boss or team or hours, it's just difficult for me to care about my work most of the time and that drains me.

I have a lot of friends who work in the creative arts and seeing them be successful and happy makes me want to try switching careers. But I know I'm not good enough to do professional creative work and that it'd be a massive disappointment to my family if I gave up a seemingly 'perfect' job so soon, especially for something so risky. "Don't quit your day job" and all that.

Plus I know that realistically, I'm more financially stable now than I could be any time soon working in a creative field. And I know that those fields are incredibly difficult to make it in. Even those aforementioned friends are still struggling, and I feel like if I told them any of this they'd just resent me for wanting to throw away financial security they would need, especially after they've been pursuing their creative skills way longer than I have.

tl;dr have a high-paying STEM job, realized I'm not happy, want to switch careers to something creative, but feel like I'd be wasting my time and disappointing a lot of people.
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This is why people have things called 'hobbies' outside of their work hours that help them be creatively fulfilled. Consider picking one up. Personally, I do archery (been so long...) and I've picked up the guitar to try and get creative. You gotta pick up whatever seems like it's good for you.
 
 
NotTheGuyYouKill said:
This is why people have things called 'hobbies' outside of their work hours that help them be creatively fulfilled. Consider picking one up. Personally, I do archery (been so long...) and I've picked up the guitar to try and get creative. You gotta pick up whatever seems like it's good for you.
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Ehhhhh... I indulge in my hobby almost to the exclusion of my other interests, and it doesn't make my job any less unfulfilling. I would do almost anything to be a success in what I *want* to do, but I can't afford to, you know, not work my day job.
 
Don't quit your day job. Save your money, develop some creative hobbies on the side, and continue exploring new skills and interests.
 
I can relate to what Jordan Peele posted. It sucks but I live with it. This year alone I figured out that my family and friends are what makes me happy. I've been having so much fun with them compared to a few years ago.

Lost your virginity confessor, you should definitely tell your SO about it. She will question you sooner or later.

STEM job confessor.... Were you forced into said career choice? I would definitely set aside a day to find out what you enjoy and go from there. Slowly do whatever your hobby is and who knows where you're going to end up. Just.... Don't ever lose any sort of motivation, that is the worst for any creative person (trust me..... I lost my motivation for my creative side....).

And to NTGYK, I think people are reading them but they're just not commenting since they noticed that there are already many people saying what they want to say. I also think many people are just waiting for the shitty confessions and then commenting.
 
Previous listed confessions

Everything up to and including page 31. Also probably gonna finally bite the bullet and make a Google Docs folder at some point, starting with a Table of Contents by Date.

11-10

I Have Erectile Dysfunction From Porn (Mobile Confessions)

I Think My Best Friends Niece is Hot (Mobile)

An Escalator Murders Frogs With Anthills (Franchise, Escalator)

I Received Divine Retribution For Breaking Up With My Ex And Seeking Sex Online Afterwards (Big Budget)

11-11

I Jack Off to My Lego Han Solo Minifig (Mobile)

It's Like Poetry, But It Doesn't Rhyme (Mobile)

Continuation to Trigger Warning 1 (TRIGGER WARNING)

Sister Booty Man Reveals Why He Might Be a Sister Booty Man (Franchises, Sister Booty Man)

I Struggle Between Normalcy and Debauchery (Handheld)

Trigger Warning 3 (TRIGGER WARNING)

iz dolan? no iz quackers (Mobile)

11-12

My Master's is (Still) Useless, But I Quit Retail and Got a Temp Job in an Office For My Sanity (Handheld)

I Banged A Gaffer's Girlfriend And Have a Video of It (Indie)

I Have Macrophilia (Indie)

I'm a Depressed Gaffer and I've Been Living a Lie (Handheld)

I'm a Sex Addict Who Bangs Prostitutes Behind My Wife's Back (Indie)

I Lied to My Girlfriend About Not Being a Virgin and It's Embarrassing (Mobile)
 
STEM Confessor: you say you're not good enough for professional creative work. Ask yourself - why is that? Have you shown your work to anyone else? Many artists (of any medium) never feel 'good enough'. Surround yourself with people that can give you honest feedback, and keep doing that creative work whenever you can, practicing and taking their feedback into account. You'll get better.

If it's really your dream to do this creative work, then work on achieving your dream. You won't do it overnight, but you can work on it over time.

And as for disappointing other people - it's hard when you feel that way, but disappointing yourself is often worse.
 
The good thing about hobbies is that you don't need to be good at them. Sometimes I wish I had gotten into a different field that I work in, but I realize I'd be pretty bad at them and that I might not have stable employment (or employment at all) if I studied in them. Instead, I indulge those fields in my spare time. And it's great, I do them for fun, at my leisure, no exams, no deadlines.

Your creative arts friends might also be thinking 'man, I wish I was in a lucrative field and had job security like Confessor'. Green greener etc.

If you really can't find happiness in your hobbies, and you are absolutely miserable at work, then maybe THEN you should consider changing.
 
Endruen said:
The problem is that you started spreading them and now you post 3 together. Or maybe that's my feeling because you post them while I'm sleeping, dunno.
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Yeah this is my feeling on it. If I were you I'd set a schedule as to when you post a confession, like say one every 90 minutes or something.
 
So the confession where the confessor thought they might be transgender got me thinking and I guess I will throw mine out there as well, although I will probably get the same responses and I don't know if I want to post this in TransGaf. Sending this to the anonymous thread still makes me feel, well, anonymous and posting there seems like I'm telling the world and outing myself even though no one here actually knows me. That and I don't even know where to begin trying to see a therapist or psychologist. Anyways....

I've been feeling like I might be for a few years. At first it was just a little speck in the back of my mind but lately the thought has gotten more pronounced. I've noticed my self liking cute things or "girly" things more and more. I look at women's clothing and wish I could wear them or wear makeup and be able to go out in public. I guess I could say I have breast envy. I wish I could be...pretty.

But as I contemplated sending this I started thinking. Maybe it's not the fact that my desire to be a woman is because I am transgender but because of my non existent love life. I don't consider myself an attractive guy. Maybe a bit under average. I've never really had a real relationship in my life. I'm 29. The only "girlfriend" I had I don't really consider a relationship since it was mostly talking over the phone and the fact I stopped talking to her because she lied about her age, she was a minor. I feel that women, even average looking ones, have an easier time finding a relationship because they are, well, girls. After years of rejection I just stopped trying (having vision problems doesn't help) and maybe a couple years later I started feeling this way. So I started thinking that maybe this might be the reason I feel this way and not because I am transgender. I don't know.

That and I like my penis. I never felt like it shouldn't be there and the fact that I don't always feel this way. Only when I am alone in my thoughts really, which has been happening more and more recently. I really just don't know anymore.

Maybe if someone could also post this there, that would be great. I'd really would appreciate their insight as well. I don't know.
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I mean, I'm not a doctor or a shrink, but I don't think you're transgendered... maybe just curious. Consider buying a pretty dress, wearing it, see how you feel? Maybe really you're just the crossdresser sort.

I dunno, this is a bit outside my grasp. Anybody?
 
NotTheGuyYouKill said:
I mean, I'm not a doctor or a shrink, but I don't think you're transgendered... maybe just curious. Consider buying a pretty dress, wearing it, see how you feel? Maybe really you're just the crossdresser sort.

I dunno, this is a bit outside my grasp. Anybody?
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rashida-jones-the-office-shrug-gif.gif


I got nothing.

It does sound more like you are curious more than anything else.
 
Girls don't have it easier to find a relationship, it might just look like that for various reasons.

Also being transgender really, really complicates the whole relationships thing.
 
Amalthea said:
Girls don't have it easier to find a relationship, it might just look like that for various reasons.

Also being transgender really, really complicates the whole relationships thing.
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tbh, I really don't think he's transgendered. The more I think on what he's written, the more I think that he's lonely, confused, probably straight (he digs his penis and it seems like he wants to be in a relationship with women) and more apt to be someone who'd enjoy the whole cross-dressing thing.

There was a lovely confession last year about a gent who is in the same scenario, but he found a great girl who supported him and they got married, and it was pretty goddamned rad. I need to find that confession.
 
NotTheGuyYouKill said:
I mean, I'm not a doctor or a shrink, but I don't think you're transgendered... maybe just curious. Consider buying a pretty dress, wearing it, see how you feel? Maybe really you're just the crossdresser sort.

I dunno, this is a bit outside my grasp. Anybody?
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Confessor, you mention you wear glasses, and that you feel it doesn't help your image with women.
Have you tried contacts, or surgery? I wear glasses, and have since child, and when i started wearing contacts my self-esteem improved a lot.

There are issues wearing contacts (i'm currently battling an eye infection), but all considered i think the pro's beat the con's.

Also, i get that curiosity regarding the female side, and i feel that many of us have it.
 
Retsudo said:
Confessor, you mention you wear glasses, and that you feel it doesn't help your image with women.
Have you tried contacts, or surgery? I wear glasses, and have since child, and when i started wearing contacts my self-esteem improved a lot.

There are issues wearing contacts (i'm currently battling an eye infection), but all considered i think the pro's beat the con's.

Also, i get that curiosity regarding the female side, and i feel that many of us have it.
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Where did the confessor say that? I don't think glasses really are that detrimental to one's image depending on the frame. Get some hipster frames. Everyone likes those. Lol.

Except for my glasses for my non fixable eye.
 
Personal confession: I've never been to a strip club. I don't understand the appeal of going with a bunch of guys to stare at naked women you can't do anything with but get boners at together. Worst kind of blue balls and a waste of money.
 
NotTheGuyYouKill said:
Personal confession: I've never been to a strip club. I don't understand the appeal of going with a bunch of guys to stare at naked women you can't do anything with but get boners at together. Worst kind of blue balls and a waste of money.
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Here in Portland.. people keep talking to me about going to get steak there. Supposed to be the best steak around for the price. I don't think i wanna go eat and be surrounded by strippers while i eat. But i guess to each their own.
 
NotTheGuyYouKill said:
Personal confession: I've never been to a strip club. I don't understand the appeal of going with a bunch of guys to stare at naked women you can't do anything with but get boners at together. Worst kind of blue balls and a waste of money.
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I only went once. Got food poisoning the next day. Never again.
and yes it is completely pointless
 
brau said:
Here in Portland.. people keep talking to me about going to get steak there. Supposed to be the best steak around for the price. I don't think i wanna go eat and be surrounded by strippers while i eat. But i guess to each their own.
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That's different, man. Eating steak while watching naked women dance around? I'd do that.

Since NTGYK did a personal confession, I'll do one.

When I have to use the restroom, I like holding it in until the last minute because I like that feeling of releaf when you go after holding it in for so long.
 
properpropaganda said:
When I have to use the restroom, I like holding it in until the last minute because I like that feeling of releaf when you go after holding it in for so long.
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That's not very healthy for your bladder, stop that :<

Also aren't you worried about an emergency situation? What if like you're holding it in and a clown comes up behind you or something?
 
SmackAttack said:
Gotta chime in and say same here.
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Haven't been to one in about five years. Definitely something you do in your early 20s when you don't have crippling debt and bills out the ass.

Pro-tip. Go with friends that sell drugs for a living. Lots of disposable income, always have plenty of cash on them and strippers love drugs.
 
It just feels like you'd be better off financially and physically with porn. It's the weirdest male bonding activity to me.

If a pretty girl is gonna get naked and dance in front of me, it's not gonna be with a bunch of hollering and rowdy dudes next to me and not gonna end with me going home horny and unfulfilled.

I'm a romantic guy, what can I say.
 
gaiages said:
That's not very healthy for your bladder, stop that :<

Also aren't you worried about an emergency situation? What if like you're holding it in and a clown comes up behind you or something?
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The only thing I worry about is getting hit by a car while I'm holding in poo walking to work. But then when I'm walking to work its not like I have a choice because there's no place with restrooms until I get there.

Cloyster said:
Could be bi-gendered like me.
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What's that? Never heard that before?
 
NotTheGuyYouKill said:
It just feels like you'd be better off financially and physically with porn. It's the weirdest male bonding activity to me.

If a pretty girl is gonna get naked and dance in front of me, it's not gonna be with a bunch of hollering and rowdy dudes next to me and not gonna end with me going home horny and unfulfilled.

I'm a romantic guy, what can I say.
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I'm a sleazebag, but I'm also poor and cheap. Strip clubs can be a blast but I just can't handle spending money like that these days lol.
 
properpropaganda said:
Where did the confessor say that? I don't think glasses really are that detrimental to one's image depending on the frame. Get some hipster frames. Everyone likes those. Lol.

Except for my glasses for my non fixable eye.
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He mentioned this, "After years of rejection I just stopped trying (having vision problems doesn't help) and maybe a couple years later I started feeling this way. So I started thinking that maybe this might be the reason I feel this way and not because I am transgender. I don't know.".

Was just giving my two cents, on this particular situation.
 
properpropaganda said:
The only thing I worry about is getting hit by a car while I'm holding in poo walking to work. But then when I'm walking to work its not like I have a choice because there's no place with restrooms until I get there.



What's that? Never heard that before?
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To tie in with that confession:

I've only used public restrooms for #2 less than five times in my life. I always wait till the comfort of my own home. Don't even like using the ones at work.

It's a meditative moment.
 
Switch Back 9 said:
Haven't been to one in about five years. Definitely something you do in your early 20s when you don't have crippling debt and bills out the ass.

Pro-tip. Go with friends that sell drugs for a living. Lots of disposable income, always have plenty of cash on them and strippers love drugs.
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I avoid hanging out with drug dealers these days. I have political ambitions!

Switch Back 9 said:
I'm a sleazebag, but I'm also poor and cheap. Strip clubs can be a blast but I just can't handle spending money like that these days lol.
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Hahaha. I mean, on paper, I suppose I understand the appeal. Who doesn't like hot naked women?

But yeah, it ain't for me. Seems so unfulfilling, hahaha

And I'm cheap. Also a good tipper. Best to avoid.
 
NotTheGuyYouKill said:
To tie in with that confession:

I've only used public restrooms for #2 less than five times in my life. I always wait till the comfort of my own home. Don't even like using the ones at work.

It's a meditative moment.
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This was me until a few years ago, but in time I had to learn, since I spend 9 hours a day at work and sometimes you really gotta go.

To this day I can only do it if there's no one else in there. As soon as I hear someone enter I stop and wait until they're gone. I don't care how long it takes.
 
NotTheGuyYouKill said:
To tie in with that confession:

I've only used public restrooms for #2 less than five times in my life. I always wait till the comfort of my own home. Don't even like using the ones at work.

It's a meditative moment.
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I learned to enjoy going 2 at work because they're basically paying you to poop.
Manu said:
This was me until a few years ago, but in time I had to learn, since I spend 9 hours a day at work and sometimes you really gotta go.

To this day I can only do it if there's no one else in there. As soon as I hear someone enter I stop and wait until they're gone. I don't care how long it takes.
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Im kinda like that at the urinals.
 
.
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You clearly haven't seen someone do taxes in a *sexy* way

"Oh, this charitable contribution will get you a great deduction on your Schedule A! I think you've swayed me to do something charitable myself..." *shirt comes off*
 
properpropaganda said:
What's that? Never heard that before?
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What it sounds like.

Bigender, bi-gender or dual gender is a gender identity where the person moves between feminine and masculine gender identities and behaviors, possibly depending on context. Some bigender individuals express two distinct "female" and "male" personas, feminine and masculine respectively; others find that they identify as two genders simultaneously
 
Cloyster said:
What it sounds like.

Bigender, bi-gender or dual gender is a gender identity where the person moves between feminine and masculine gender identities and behaviors, possibly depending on context. Some bigender individuals express two distinct "female" and "male" personas, feminine and masculine respectively; others find that they identify as two genders simultaneously
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That seems like it would be a nightmare to keep everything straight.

Like, straight as in organized.

...
 
StaticJam said:
Did you just hide in the work bathrooms or something?
Also as a shorter dude fuck urinals.
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Kinda sorta. When I go, I'm in there longer than need be. I don't just dump and jump. I relax, take my time, wait in case there's straggler poo, check my email, then finish up. What should only be about five minutes turns into to to find fifteen.
 
2015 Update for a previous confessor. Trigger Warning:

Another year, another confession. Two years ago I sent an email regarding events of my life (just search in the 2013 thread for F1 B1 and you'll find it) and then last year I sent a followup regarding my life since then. And now here's the 2015 update.

Life got better thanks to some fantastic new friends I made (now referred to as R1, K1, M1 and P1) and I worked on some fun university projects. Until late May
where I had arranged to go on a date with a guy (we met through a hookup site). It went fine at first, the drink and food was nice, but then later on he became very forward and pushy, constantly trying to hold me or grab me. I was uncomfortable of that because it reminded me of past events. And then it got worse. On the way home we were walking together and then suddenly I felt something push me, it was him. He then grabbed me and pushed me towards a wall in an alley with one hand over my mouth. It happened so fast, but I knew what he was doing. Again, I had been raped. I was able to escape again, but the damage had been done.

When I got home I reported what had happened to the police. After that, I had lost it and started hitting myself in anger, throwing things about my room and breaking down in tears. I had even lost my temper at some of my friends (including R1) during this time because my mind and emotions were completely dysfunctional. The next day I had a long time to think and I came to the conclusion that between everything that had happened to me; the times I had been molested as a kid, the physical and mental abuse I had suffered in school, seeing the two people I cared for the most outside of my family pass away, the loneliness that has lingered above me my entire life, the betrayal of trust from someone who I considered a friend at a time of need and now this. I had come to the conclusion that I was broken beyond repair and in my words "Too fucked up to worth caring for".

So I went out, telling some friends on a chat I was in that I was "going for a walk to clear my head", when in fact I had planned to kill myself. As I was walking to the place where I planned to jump I sent a long message saying goodbye to P1. The reason for it being P1 is because R1 and K1 were closer to me, thus they could easily have stopped me, and the reason for not telling M1 is because I knew he was still awake and would have seen the message soon after I sent it. P1 was busy at that time so I knew he wouldn't have replied instantly. My thought process was that he would have seen it after I was dead. That wasn't the case.

As I stood on the bridge about to jump I was too scared, I just thought back to F1 and B1 and stepped away before breaking down in tears. Then I get a notification on my phone and P1 had replied. I walked home with P1 and later M1 talking to me, calming me down a bit. They both suggested I speak to R1 and K1 but I was too scared of their reaction, I couldn't bear to see them face to face after what I had just done, as well as the fact I snapped at R1 the day before and was scared he was mad at me. Instead I was eventually convinced to call emergency services. They stayed online to talk to me and be there until the ambulance arrived, even though it was around 5am this happened.

After I got out of the hospital, I had some issues readjusting to things outside as weird as that sounds. It felt like I had been away for weeks when it was only 3 days. A few days later and I'm in a group video chat with K1, P1, M1, R1 and some other friends. Things went fine at first but after a while I just started having a breakdown and freaked out again. My mind was freaking out and feeling very overwhelmed, to the point where I was actually thinking of grabbing a knife from the kitchen and just threatening to cut myself on video, overdramatic I know. I snapped again at R1 and left, going for a walk to calm myself down. I avoided where I went to the week before and just calmed down, sending multiple apology messages to everyone in that video chat. After that night I took things slow and only did one to one talks with them, just to prevent myself from feeling overwhelmed. It helped me over the summer, which was quiet (if not a bit uneventful).

The quiet summer helped calm me down though, as I had less mental stress and wasn't feeling overwhelmed. Plus it helped that I was living at my parents for summer so it was a more quiet environment. Things have picked up, I went on holiday just after summer ended which I greatly enjoyed and I'm back on my feet a bit. Talking to R1, K1, M1 and P1 more and just being more chilled. Overall though, I don't know if I'll look back on 2015 with good feelings (because of my new friends plus the holiday) or with bad feelings. Only one way for me to find that out.
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What happened is awful, Confessor. I hope you're able to stay adjusted and that everything from here on is good for you. You have great friends, it will be okay.

Keep fighting the good fight.
 
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