With all the weird shit that I've been reading on the thread this year, I thought it was worth it to submit something that (hopefully) will help people.
I've posted confessions before, and looking back at just those, you'd be AOK in thinking that I've got some issues with my self. General self esteem badness, anxiety, fear...hell I've done things because of them that should have cost me lots. I've been sneaky enough to get away with things, but, no more. Everything is out in the open, and it's GREAT.
Over the past few years, life has been good, you know? It really, really has. I still have anxiety all the time, and I unfortunately drink more than I should to quell that, specifically for that reason. Yes, the alcohol makes the anxiety go away and I know how unhealthy that is, but I'm also working on that. It's less an addiction than it is a bad habit...I don't get all cranky or weird or sleep badly when I don't drink. Matter of fact, I sleep really well and wake up refreshed the next morning. Been doing more of that lately, and liking it.
Now, on to the good stuff. The more I exercise, the more I succeed in my career, the more open I am with my wife and friends, but specifically my wife, and the more honest and direct I am with her, the better our relationship has become. That could be aligned with or against her opinion. Literally "I think your outfit is like, OK, but I don't like it" and then I give specific reasons. She knows that sort of thing doesn't have aaaaaaaaany impact on us, or how I feel about her. It's just my opinion. She watches shitty TV and I tell her that openly, and she pokes fun at me for playing shit like Dungeon Travelers 2 on Vita. Rightfully so. And it's all good.
The more comfortable I am with myself, the more I've let myself be myself. And in the gym, I've really taken notice of the fact that men look goddamn delicious. It's all towels and post workout and dicks everywhere. It's great. It's not tempting to do anything outside of my relationship or even consider it. If Bigdick McHandsomeguy came over and expressed interest in a BJ, I'd be like "love to, but I've got better at home" and I don't even have a dick at home. Don't need one. Totally happy with my wife. You can be Bi and in a committed, loving relationship with one person who has one gender.
But that doesn't mean that I haven't done something when I was young. I was a young teenager, he was a young teenager, we blew each other a few times, and that was that. During the early-mid 90's, I'm pretty sure that anyone who ever had a thought about the same sex being sexy considered burying, and likely did, bury that shit way down. If you make another guy come in your mouth and like it, well, you probably weren't going to let that be known. And it was pretty darned easy, since I also like girls. I'd say that I like girls more than guys, but I mean...if I were single I'd fuck whoever, whenever, and like it.
But only if the guy is hot. I'm picky.
Now, back to the confession that I HOPE helps people out there. This past week, during Thanksgiving night, my wife and I were watching Jessica Jones. We were a few drinks in. The dude playing Luke Cage was on screen. We got to talking about sex because they got to fucking, and she dropped some comment about how Kristen Ritter was hot, and I said Mike Colter was a damn fine man too. We laughed, and I was like "it's ok to think girls are hot! There are hot guys out there too! I'd get with a guy that hot!" She literally responded with "are you bi? I know you're cool with it and have bi friends and that (reference one bi friend who's name shall not be said) always liked you more than he liked me. And it's kind of hot."
I said yes. Yes, I'm bisexual. I told her what I've done, told her that I liked it. Don't need it, but I mean...dudes are hot, dicks are hot. Don't know about a relationship with a guy, and don't want too because of what I have with my wife but like...having sex with a guy? Probably not going to happen again but FOR GOD'S SAKE it's hot.
Of course, we fucked like rabbits that night, and she put her hand places that she hasn't before. I felt incredibly attracted to her because I let myself be me, with her. 100% me. I like stuff like games and anime (really picky about that) and good healthy food and great beer and good music and boobs and butts and vaginas and penises. And I'm totally OK with myself, and I'm not ashamed of myself, and I'm actually really fucking lucky to just be....me.
Now, the morning after we were sober and talked about it. She has fears that when she gets older and less interested in sex that I'll just leave her because I'll have some void to fill. I let her know that it's not the case...sure I might use the internet to view streaming short movies of men doing it with men, or men doing it with men and women (which, yes), but that's it. And if I ever do feel like it's bothering me then I'd have a talk with her and we'd discuss stuff. I let her know that I'm still me, and I haven't been keeping some shit secret from her. I've just accepted me, and I'm sharing that because god dammit I love her (and only ever her), and if I'm not honest with her, then I'm not being square with her, and that's not OK. Also I let her know that I was afraid that she'd think less of me for not being honest. I didn't intend to or want to, or even think I did any type of shady underhanded deception. I wasn't afraid of her, I was afraid of her thinking I was afraid of her and vicious circle, etc.
Every night since then we've been tearing the clothes off one another. Every second I'm with her we're exactly the same as we have been for years...best friends. My sexuality hasn't changed a thing about us. She's a progressive, supportive partner and friend. Literally nothing has been different. I've been checking.
So, to anyone out there feeling like there's something about yourself that you can't share, or even that you are in fact not entirely straight...it's cool. I'm progressive, have always been an ally, and FFS even I was keeping it in the closet. And you could say that anonymous confessions aren't exactly coming out, but I wouldn't lie to anyone that asked and I damn sure ain't gonna hide that I like what I see. We're not talking about catcalling or drooling or ogling or anything gross like that, but I'll discreetly doubletake a bulge in a pair of jeans or a great ass just as fast as I'd do that with a fantastic pair of breasts and...a great ass. And that's OK. And that's great. And I'm not afraid of that, and my wife is AOK with that. She knows that I'm me, and that I hate romantic comedies and that I did in fact watch them early in the relationship just to get in her pants (come at me), that I can't stand Adele (she's good, just not my style), and any other thing that makes me, me.
Come out, if you're in the closet. Be you. Sure, do so at your own discretion, time and place of your choosing, but don't be afraid. I grew up in a place where that would have got my clock cleaned by friends and family, and lots of people don't need to know, so they won't. Fuck them, I care about the people I care about, and I'm one of them. You (Mr. or Ms. in the Closet), should care about you too.
Who the fuck knows, I'll probably be out on this board soon. Whatever happens, I'm still me, and there are lots of people that want me to be me, and are happy for me because I'm me. I'm completely, 100% bisexual. And me not hiding it, not being ashamed of it, embracing (not literally because the threesome talk has only been brushed over) it is just the same as embracing myself and loving myself.
Weight off the shoulders, me out in the open just being me.
The exhale after telling her that I was bi, though...that might have been the best part. God, that felt good.
So selfish and cowardly, not to mention shallow. Either get some self control, or be brave enough to pursue polyamoury in an honest way. Which means accepting that the partner would be free to sleep with other people too (somehow I get the impression that many of these cheaters would hate that idea).
I shall cherish this final day.
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