Plagiarised and adapted from the great Spike Milligan
BOOK 1
CREATION, ACCORDING TO THE GAME JOURNALISTS
In the beginning Cerium created the discord invite and bought a license for xenforo.
And darkness was upon the face of the reeeers; this was due to most of them not being able to afford that months electricity bill.
And Cerium said, Let there be a site but only for prominent GAF members; and there was a site, but GoDaddy said that He would have to wait until Thursday for the SSL certificate.
And Cerium saw the site and it was good; He saw the projected costs and that was not good.
And Cerium called the site Resetera, and the darkness he called GAF, and in so doing, became the Founder.
And Cerium said, Let there be a team of moderators and Cerium gathered all the snakes and beasts that creepeth on their bellies unto Him.
And Cerium said, Let the boards be gathered together unto one place, and let the ads appear, and at Google they were monetised at $2,000 per day.
And Cerium said, Let the reeeers bring forth cash, and the reeeers brought forth cash and Cerium smoked, injected and snorted most of it.
And Cerium said, Let there be lies in social media and game sites to give life to the site, and it was so, except over at GAF and KF where this bullshit was overtly rejected.
And Cerium said, Let the reeeers bring forth those that hath life, flooding the board with idPol freaks and emotionally unstable furries.
And Cerium blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, multiply, and fill my fannypack full of cash, and let fowl multiply on Twitter where Morrigan and Nepenthe would cancel them.
And Cerium said, Let us pressure developers to make games in our own image, but woe many came out like Spitting Image.
And He said, Let Resetera have dominion over Sony Santa Monica, Naughty Dog, DONTNOD and every creepy studio that creeepeth upon the woke. Except CD Projekt Red who gave them a stiff middle finger and said Fuck You.
And Cerium said, Behold, I have given you this free yeilding seed, to you this shall be a place to post, but to me it's an investment.
And with that, he sold the site and gave a chubby middle digit to that which He had created and used, laughing in their faces as they realised this new world was just an island. Made of shit. In a river of wretched puke and man nipple lactate.