InfiniteBento
Member
As the title says, I just found out my ex, whom was also my first long term boyfriend, is going to pass tonight. His name was Brandon. He was 24.
His mother posted on his facebook stating how he had been in the hospital for the past 5 weeks, after draining fluid from his liver and kidneys, he came home this week only to collapse and be taken to the ICU. His liver and kidneys failed him from his alcoholism. The doctors also found bleeding in his brain and he now has internal bleeding as well. His mother signed the DNR and is removing him from high blood pressure medication that is keeping him alive tonight after his father arrives.
I'm sitting here typing this and it doesn't feel real but I need to talk about it and this is the one place I know I can just unload about it and feel, even if only slightly, like people will care to hear about it.
So context:
I met Brandon in 2006, I was 13 and had just moved from Orlando to Winter Park, Florida after my parents divorced. We had the same english class, it was 7th grade. We never really spoke until a friend of mine in that class decided to play match maker and try to get us to talk because we both, out of everyone in the class, never really spoke much. I was too busy reading in class (often getting in trouble for it) and he just sat there quietly occasionally talking to his best friend behind him. Long story short, after a while, we started talking. He eventually, with my annoying friends being persistent, came up to me at the playground and asked me out. We dated for a few weeks until Brandon's friends started to bully him about us dating. Mostly making fun of me for being different from all the other preppy kids in the school. I liked video games and anime and wasn't exactly the type to blend into the mostly white rich kid community we lived in. I didn't take kindly to it and he wasn't the type of person to speak up for himself, let alone defend me much, so he let it slide. I eventually got fed up with it and we stopped dating. Throughout the course of the following year in 8th grade up until 11th grade, we dated on and off several times for big chunks of time. Our issue dating was always related to his mental illness and my inability to provide the care he needed. He battled severe depression and anxiety paired with being surrounded by douchey high schoolers who bullied and belittled him all the time. He never let me love him because he didn't love himself and it tore us apart. I felt as if he would never let me in and it made things extremely difficult. Over time, he became one of my best friends despite this. He was there for me when I started dating a guy following him who became abusive to the point where I tried to overdose to escape it. Brandon was the person I called right before trying to kill myself and he was the one who called the ambulance who later saved my life. After a time went by, we gave seriously dating a chance towards the beginning of junior year shortly after I dropped out. We were together for almost a whole year until I ended things some time later near senior year. Our relationship couldn't get past the fact that despite my wholehearted efforts to love him, he wasn't stable enough to handle a relationship. He couldn't love me in the ways I needed because again, he couldn't love himself. That was the final time we tried dating.
Over the years that followed, Brandon and I stayed friends. He would text randomly at the early hours of the morning or call to just talk once in a while. I never questioned it or minded it really. His family was unstable, they struggled with hoarding and abandoned him often, and he wasn't coping well with life so I swore out of everyone I would always be there for him. He unraveled as time went on. His family never got him the care he needed when he needed it most so he began to turn to alcoholism. He would hang out with toxic people we knew from high school only to get drunk often or do drugs. He eventually hooked up with a girl from those parties, they tried dating, and got her pregnant due to her lying about birth control or something of that sort. I wasn't around much at the time to know. Their relationship fell apart and she began the long process of not letting him be around his son, even when he was taking strong efforts to be sober. He yearned to be around that child and she refused out of spite for him not wanting to date her even though they had that child. It was a mess. I only knew what he told me when he would weep about it and just did my best to be there for him through it but at a distance since I was dating other people and we weren't involved much. We hung out once every few months just to smoke a bowl in his car in a parking lot somewhere to just talk about life over the years. I mostly listened to him talk about his life because I knew he didn't open up to people much. His best friends abandoned him after a while from becoming adults and focusing on college and jobs. I was doing the same but I made time for him because I was terrified of him harming himself. I wanted to feel in some way I could help carry the weight on his shoulders even if only for a little while. I tried every time to convince him to move out of that house, to pack and never go back there and find a job and really become the person I knew he was capable of being. He couldn't do it. He wasn't stable enough to work for anyone, let alone think straight. I spent hours trying to talk to him about seeing doctors or checking into a hospital or something to help him before he went too far. It was all fruitless.
Finally, just before moving to Chicago over a year ago, we hung out one last time. His house was filled to the brim with garbage, it was repulsive. His mentality was hanging on by threads. I could see he was falling apart. I sat down and we talked for a while. I wanted to because he had become one of my best friends over the 10 years of us knowing each other and even when we went months without seeing each other, when we did see each other it was like no time passed at all. This would be the last time I would ever see him and I didn't know it. He unraveled to me completely that day. Telling me he regretted not letting me in and letting me love him. How he was sorry for everything and all of this other stuff that I couldn't handle because it was completely left field. I didn't know what to say. So I told him that I will always be there for him but I can't say what he needs because I didn't feel that way anymore but I still cared deeply. I wanted nothing but the best for him and tried countless times to get him help. I was always angry with his family for not helping him and taking care of him, they watched him fall apart and did nothing. I moved away to focus on my career in pastry to help my family from poverty while pursuing my serious relationship with HD and told Brandon before leaving to never be afraid to reach out to me ever. I would always be here no matter what. His drinking took a serious turn while I was away and is what has now killed him.
And now here we are. I'm a crying wreck, frankly. I'm frustrated and angry and it feels as if my intestines have been pulled out. He deserved so much better than this. And knowing I'm thousands of miles away and can't even be there to say goodbye. It fucking hurts. I'm going back and forth between feeling this is real to shock and complete disbelief this is really happening. I'm trying so hard to not blame myself and tell myself I couldn't have done much more but I can't help feeling like I could have done SOMETHING. I tried every which way to get him help as best I could but maybe I could have done something more. I dont know what but something. I've known him for 10 years and its insane to me to know I'll never see or hear from him again. He's gone and I don't know how to handle this. I don't know what to do with myself. I've never faced this before and It feels like I can't breathe.
TLDR: I dated a boy from 7th grade throughout high school. We stayed friends over the past 10 years and I tried to be his support system (from a reasonable distance due to dating others and having my own life) throughout his mental illness consuming him and his families inability to care for him. His alcoholism destroyed his body and recently it finally took its toll. Tonight, his mother is pulling the plug. Last time I saw him was over a year ago before moving and now this is happening. I'm an emotional wreck.
His mother posted on his facebook stating how he had been in the hospital for the past 5 weeks, after draining fluid from his liver and kidneys, he came home this week only to collapse and be taken to the ICU. His liver and kidneys failed him from his alcoholism. The doctors also found bleeding in his brain and he now has internal bleeding as well. His mother signed the DNR and is removing him from high blood pressure medication that is keeping him alive tonight after his father arrives.
I'm sitting here typing this and it doesn't feel real but I need to talk about it and this is the one place I know I can just unload about it and feel, even if only slightly, like people will care to hear about it.
So context:
I met Brandon in 2006, I was 13 and had just moved from Orlando to Winter Park, Florida after my parents divorced. We had the same english class, it was 7th grade. We never really spoke until a friend of mine in that class decided to play match maker and try to get us to talk because we both, out of everyone in the class, never really spoke much. I was too busy reading in class (often getting in trouble for it) and he just sat there quietly occasionally talking to his best friend behind him. Long story short, after a while, we started talking. He eventually, with my annoying friends being persistent, came up to me at the playground and asked me out. We dated for a few weeks until Brandon's friends started to bully him about us dating. Mostly making fun of me for being different from all the other preppy kids in the school. I liked video games and anime and wasn't exactly the type to blend into the mostly white rich kid community we lived in. I didn't take kindly to it and he wasn't the type of person to speak up for himself, let alone defend me much, so he let it slide. I eventually got fed up with it and we stopped dating. Throughout the course of the following year in 8th grade up until 11th grade, we dated on and off several times for big chunks of time. Our issue dating was always related to his mental illness and my inability to provide the care he needed. He battled severe depression and anxiety paired with being surrounded by douchey high schoolers who bullied and belittled him all the time. He never let me love him because he didn't love himself and it tore us apart. I felt as if he would never let me in and it made things extremely difficult. Over time, he became one of my best friends despite this. He was there for me when I started dating a guy following him who became abusive to the point where I tried to overdose to escape it. Brandon was the person I called right before trying to kill myself and he was the one who called the ambulance who later saved my life. After a time went by, we gave seriously dating a chance towards the beginning of junior year shortly after I dropped out. We were together for almost a whole year until I ended things some time later near senior year. Our relationship couldn't get past the fact that despite my wholehearted efforts to love him, he wasn't stable enough to handle a relationship. He couldn't love me in the ways I needed because again, he couldn't love himself. That was the final time we tried dating.
Over the years that followed, Brandon and I stayed friends. He would text randomly at the early hours of the morning or call to just talk once in a while. I never questioned it or minded it really. His family was unstable, they struggled with hoarding and abandoned him often, and he wasn't coping well with life so I swore out of everyone I would always be there for him. He unraveled as time went on. His family never got him the care he needed when he needed it most so he began to turn to alcoholism. He would hang out with toxic people we knew from high school only to get drunk often or do drugs. He eventually hooked up with a girl from those parties, they tried dating, and got her pregnant due to her lying about birth control or something of that sort. I wasn't around much at the time to know. Their relationship fell apart and she began the long process of not letting him be around his son, even when he was taking strong efforts to be sober. He yearned to be around that child and she refused out of spite for him not wanting to date her even though they had that child. It was a mess. I only knew what he told me when he would weep about it and just did my best to be there for him through it but at a distance since I was dating other people and we weren't involved much. We hung out once every few months just to smoke a bowl in his car in a parking lot somewhere to just talk about life over the years. I mostly listened to him talk about his life because I knew he didn't open up to people much. His best friends abandoned him after a while from becoming adults and focusing on college and jobs. I was doing the same but I made time for him because I was terrified of him harming himself. I wanted to feel in some way I could help carry the weight on his shoulders even if only for a little while. I tried every time to convince him to move out of that house, to pack and never go back there and find a job and really become the person I knew he was capable of being. He couldn't do it. He wasn't stable enough to work for anyone, let alone think straight. I spent hours trying to talk to him about seeing doctors or checking into a hospital or something to help him before he went too far. It was all fruitless.
Finally, just before moving to Chicago over a year ago, we hung out one last time. His house was filled to the brim with garbage, it was repulsive. His mentality was hanging on by threads. I could see he was falling apart. I sat down and we talked for a while. I wanted to because he had become one of my best friends over the 10 years of us knowing each other and even when we went months without seeing each other, when we did see each other it was like no time passed at all. This would be the last time I would ever see him and I didn't know it. He unraveled to me completely that day. Telling me he regretted not letting me in and letting me love him. How he was sorry for everything and all of this other stuff that I couldn't handle because it was completely left field. I didn't know what to say. So I told him that I will always be there for him but I can't say what he needs because I didn't feel that way anymore but I still cared deeply. I wanted nothing but the best for him and tried countless times to get him help. I was always angry with his family for not helping him and taking care of him, they watched him fall apart and did nothing. I moved away to focus on my career in pastry to help my family from poverty while pursuing my serious relationship with HD and told Brandon before leaving to never be afraid to reach out to me ever. I would always be here no matter what. His drinking took a serious turn while I was away and is what has now killed him.
And now here we are. I'm a crying wreck, frankly. I'm frustrated and angry and it feels as if my intestines have been pulled out. He deserved so much better than this. And knowing I'm thousands of miles away and can't even be there to say goodbye. It fucking hurts. I'm going back and forth between feeling this is real to shock and complete disbelief this is really happening. I'm trying so hard to not blame myself and tell myself I couldn't have done much more but I can't help feeling like I could have done SOMETHING. I tried every which way to get him help as best I could but maybe I could have done something more. I dont know what but something. I've known him for 10 years and its insane to me to know I'll never see or hear from him again. He's gone and I don't know how to handle this. I don't know what to do with myself. I've never faced this before and It feels like I can't breathe.
TLDR: I dated a boy from 7th grade throughout high school. We stayed friends over the past 10 years and I tried to be his support system (from a reasonable distance due to dating others and having my own life) throughout his mental illness consuming him and his families inability to care for him. His alcoholism destroyed his body and recently it finally took its toll. Tonight, his mother is pulling the plug. Last time I saw him was over a year ago before moving and now this is happening. I'm an emotional wreck.
