EdwardTeach
Member
It can kill you pretty quickly if you embark on really obliterating drinking. I have known a couple of friends who died from alcoholism, and when they gave up on life and really hit it hard, it didn't take long.
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One of my ex's is going to die tonight and I can't handle it.
- Thread starter InfiniteBento
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It can kill you pretty quickly if you embark on really obliterating drinking. I have known a couple of friends who died from alcoholism, and when they gave up on life and really hit it hard, it didn't take long.
InfiniteBento
Member
Thank you, everyone. I've been in a constant state of disbelief all evening. His mother left him alone in the hospital and none of his family stayed to be there. His childhood best friend went to see him after I begged him to since I cant be there. Im without words for his current state. He should pass soon but now its all a waiting game, we have no idea how long his body will function without the medicine. I just cant believe he is going through this alone. I financially am not at a place to afford a ticket home but I would give anything to get on a plane and be there right now in his last moments.
This is really fucking hard to go through right now. Im consumed by so much emotion. This feeling of helplessness hurts more than anything.
This is really fucking hard to go through right now. Im consumed by so much emotion. This feeling of helplessness hurts more than anything.
TheInternetNomad
Member
I'm sorry, I'm sure just being there for him in the past and not forgetting about him was good.
Sending you prayers and good thoughts..
Lost my best friend to drinking in October. He was also in his 20s. I wish I could say I quit drinking after that.. I didn't but, it really opened up my eyes about the risks of heavy drinking and addiction. I still think about my friend everyday. Hoping the best for you.
Lost my best friend to drinking in October. He was also in his 20s. I wish I could say I quit drinking after that.. I didn't but, it really opened up my eyes about the risks of heavy drinking and addiction. I still think about my friend everyday. Hoping the best for you.
F0rneus
Tears in the rain
A really hard read 
.
I don't know what to say here. Except take care of yourself. In dark moments like these, the only thing you can do is to give yourself a small gift. That's how I got over my dad dying. Just small gifts. To myself. So sorry for the situation. Grief is the worst thing on Earth. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
.I don't know what to say here. Except take care of yourself. In dark moments like these, the only thing you can do is to give yourself a small gift. That's how I got over my dad dying. Just small gifts. To myself. So sorry for the situation. Grief is the worst thing on Earth. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
There may have been people in Brandon's life who failed him, but by the sounds of it, you weren't one of them. You can't hold yourself even a little responsible for the fate of your friend. You were much too young at the time, and still much too young to put that kind of pressure on yourself to help someone turn his life around. There really wasn't any way for you to remedy years of dysfunction on your own, nor should you have to shoulder that burden. Mourn the loss of your friend. But it's not your fault. Not even a little.
Mixolydian
Member
You mustn't, under any circumstance, hold yourself responsible. Alcoholism is a serious disease, and the amount of time and care required for oneself (let alone loved ones if they are in the picture) begin the road to recovery cannot be understated. I've been there. I was lucky.
Usually, it takes a very long time for alcohol to do what it did to him, so I'm fairly shocked. But this isn't on you. Don't even start with that thinking ok?
Stay tough, thinking of you and Brandon.
Usually, it takes a very long time for alcohol to do what it did to him, so I'm fairly shocked. But this isn't on you. Don't even start with that thinking ok?
Stay tough, thinking of you and Brandon.
I feel for you. Some of my close friends haven't been in the best of health recently, and though it's nothing this severe, I do everything I can to encourage them to take better care of themselves. It fucking sucks to watch people you care for lose themselves and be completely unable to help.
All you can really do is tell yourself that you positively impacted his life, and continue to make that difference in the lives of everyone else who is close to you.
All you can really do is tell yourself that you positively impacted his life, and continue to make that difference in the lives of everyone else who is close to you.
Pancake Mix
Copied someone else's pancake recipe
RIP. Sorry for your loss. At least you can say you were there for him for 9 years the best you could. It's really hard for drug addicts to stop, but to think years of heavy drinking caught up to him in the first half of his twenties...
May he rest in peace, and his soul live on in your memories. You are not responsible in any way, but just remember him as he lived, not as he died. You know that's what he would have wanted.
May he rest in peace, and his soul live on in your memories. You are not responsible in any way, but just remember him as he lived, not as he died. You know that's what he would have wanted.
Forerunner
Member
My condolences on the passing of your friend, however, you can’t blame yourself; you did everything in your power. Alcoholism and depression are extremely hard to combat, especially if you don’t have support from people who care and by the way it sounds his family didn’t. However, you supported him every way you possibly could given the circumstances.
Don't blame yourself. His immediate family should and maybe could have done more because they were suppose to be around. Keep your chin up and don't be so hard on yourself, sometimes we can't change those we care about for the better and just have to be ready to provide support when and if they truly want to change.
andrerobot
Member
Thank you for sharing this with us.
I know this is just a stranger from the internet, but my heart is with you and Brandon.
I know this is just a stranger from the internet, but my heart is with you and Brandon.
I'm really sorry for your loss OP, but don't blame yourself, it sounds like you're the only person that made an effort and tried and you can't carry that weight on your shoulders your whole life no matter how much you may want to or think you can. Even when you were getting on with your life you still made time for him and thought of him when plenty of others didn't, and it doesn't exactly sound like you live very close so that says even more. I hope he rests in peace now. My condolences Bento.
thetruth1983
Banned
Dam. This thread makes me want to stop drinking. I've been trying to quit for months now but the longest I've been able to go without a drink is 2 days.
Teriyaki Blues
Member
I'm so sorry you're losing someone who meant so much to you, especially under such shitty circumstances. Even though you can't physically be there, I think doing something to honor his life and memory may be beneficial to you.
Speaking as someone who has been admitted twice to inpatient mental facilities for suicide attempts and has experienced the dissolution of relationships that such actions entail, I want you to know two things:
1) Despite what your brain tells you--and how loudly it tells you this--you must not hold yourself responsible for what happened to him. At the risk of sounding insensitive, you must understand that you do him a disservice by placing his fate on your own shoulders. His life experiences and his thoughts were his own, and no amount of sheltering and rescuing you think you could have done would have saved him from himself. If someone wants out, whether in a quick act of desperation or through a slow and painfully self-destructive process, they will get there. Throwing yourself on this particular grenade would have only taken both of you out, and I think that deep down, both you and he knew this. You left an overtly abusive relationship, but you also had the foresight to leave your relationship with him as well, which had the potential to become emotionally crippling as well. Do not look at this as deserting him; if he was fated to live a miserable existence, then it would have done neither of you any good for you to stay with him. Recall the myth of Sisyphus.
2) While you may think you were such a horrible friend and failed lover for deserting him, I can guarantee that in his final moments, in his heart of hearts, he would probably cite you as the best thing that happened to him. I imagine that if he knew the pain that you were in right now, he would feel just as guilty as you do for "allowing" him to die (note the air quotes). You were there for him at his lowest, and if you believe in an afterlife, then I can guarantee that he will remember his time with you as the high point of his life. Those highs were clearly not enough to balance the lows, though, and again--you must not blame yourself for this. I imagine his spirit coming to you and, unseen, thanking you for everything you were to him before departing for the other side--rather than haunting you for what you weren't.
I know that my words are but one set of many you will be receiving, but I do hope that they can reach through to you. Dealing with loss is exceptionally hard, but it's borderline unbearable when you feel survivor's guilt. I encourage you to reach out to those whom you can trust; there are trained professionals who deal with helping others overcome loss and the guilt left behind to suicides. Grieve, but grieve no longer than you must. Do not forget that you still have the task of living your life. If you truly want to make it up to Brandon, then you need to live the fullest life that you can--the life that neither he nor you allowed yourselves to live. It's what he would want for you.
I'm just a stranger, but I'm willing to talk via PM if you want. Best of luck to you.
1) Despite what your brain tells you--and how loudly it tells you this--you must not hold yourself responsible for what happened to him. At the risk of sounding insensitive, you must understand that you do him a disservice by placing his fate on your own shoulders. His life experiences and his thoughts were his own, and no amount of sheltering and rescuing you think you could have done would have saved him from himself. If someone wants out, whether in a quick act of desperation or through a slow and painfully self-destructive process, they will get there. Throwing yourself on this particular grenade would have only taken both of you out, and I think that deep down, both you and he knew this. You left an overtly abusive relationship, but you also had the foresight to leave your relationship with him as well, which had the potential to become emotionally crippling as well. Do not look at this as deserting him; if he was fated to live a miserable existence, then it would have done neither of you any good for you to stay with him. Recall the myth of Sisyphus.
2) While you may think you were such a horrible friend and failed lover for deserting him, I can guarantee that in his final moments, in his heart of hearts, he would probably cite you as the best thing that happened to him. I imagine that if he knew the pain that you were in right now, he would feel just as guilty as you do for "allowing" him to die (note the air quotes). You were there for him at his lowest, and if you believe in an afterlife, then I can guarantee that he will remember his time with you as the high point of his life. Those highs were clearly not enough to balance the lows, though, and again--you must not blame yourself for this. I imagine his spirit coming to you and, unseen, thanking you for everything you were to him before departing for the other side--rather than haunting you for what you weren't.
I know that my words are but one set of many you will be receiving, but I do hope that they can reach through to you. Dealing with loss is exceptionally hard, but it's borderline unbearable when you feel survivor's guilt. I encourage you to reach out to those whom you can trust; there are trained professionals who deal with helping others overcome loss and the guilt left behind to suicides. Grieve, but grieve no longer than you must. Do not forget that you still have the task of living your life. If you truly want to make it up to Brandon, then you need to live the fullest life that you can--the life that neither he nor you allowed yourselves to live. It's what he would want for you.
I'm just a stranger, but I'm willing to talk via PM if you want. Best of luck to you.
Please get help.
Lightning_Roller
Banned
So sorry to hear that, Bento. D: I hope you are doing alright.
InfiniteBento
Member
After seeing what alcohol did to someone I've cared for so long, I am done drinking alcohol. For Brandon's memory and my sanity, I am off of it and any other substance. Please seek help before it is too late. You think you have all the time in the world but you truly dont.
I would give absolutely anything to be there by his side right now during his final breaths and I cant be because financially Im unable to afford the $300 ticket. Knowing there is a window of time I could be there and cant be is whats ruining me more than anything right now. I appreciate all of you reaching out. It truly is whats keeping me together right now.
Future Foundation
Member
I'm really sorry that you're going through this, Bento. Don't blame yourself for what happened, but try to remember the happiness that you two brought to each other.
InfiniteBento
Member
Tickets home skyrocketed from $300 last night to $664 today. Its like the universe doesn't want me to be there.
I don't even know if my job will give me the time I need to mourn and cope with this. I'm probably going to get fired.
Mentally, this has sent my mind into a downward spiral.
I don't even know if my job will give me the time I need to mourn and cope with this. I'm probably going to get fired.
Mentally, this has sent my mind into a downward spiral.
I'm sorry you are going through this, Bento. I understand it's hard not blaming yourself, but there was nothing more you could have done. You were always there for him. Sometimes things just don't have a happy ending despite our best efforts.
Make sure you take care of yourself.
Make sure you take care of yourself.
InfiniteBento
Member
He's held on these past two days. Today they put Brandon in hospice care. Doctors say he may have a few days at most but only time will tell since they stopped his medication. Tickets to go to Florida dropped and I can go but now its a matter of my job. My chef didn't respond to my text about going to Florida to be there for him in his final moments because she's at the James Beard Award ceremony tonight and dealing with all that entails for her big moment. She didn't bother responding when I sent the message two days ago so I'm left sitting here feeling like if I stay, Brandon will die and I will never see him again but at least I have my job. If I go, I'll more than likely be fired for needing time to be there for Brandon including the time I took this weekend to handle a personal family emergency paired with it which I had already had requested off last month.
I'm sitting here trying to fathom how I've come to a point where I have to decide between my job or being there for my best friend in his final moments and its such bullshit.
I'm sitting here trying to fathom how I've come to a point where I have to decide between my job or being there for my best friend in his final moments and its such bullshit.
I've worked in the restaurant business so I'm familiar with their call off policies, and I am also familiar with how hard you've worked and the sacrifices you've made to make it here. Forgive me for asking such a blunt question. Is he conscious? If not I'd definitely vote for staying. He wouldn't want you to throw your dreams away.
Bento, I am sorry for what you are going through. He's fortunate to have a friend like you.
Is there anyone there that can put you through on FaceTime or some other video chat so you say what you need to say? Sorry if that's not helpful.
Edit: just saw that post about the hospice. Maybe you could talk to the staff there, they might help you
Is there anyone there that can put you through on FaceTime or some other video chat so you say what you need to say? Sorry if that's not helpful.
Edit: just saw that post about the hospice. Maybe you could talk to the staff there, they might help you
InfiniteBento
Member
He can't speak but he is awake. I've called the past two days and talked to him on the phone for an hour a day because its all I can do.
DeathoftheEndless
Crashing this plane... with no survivors!
That's a really tough situation to be in. Personally, I would probably wait for the wake/funeral and not sacrifice my job, if possible. But if not being there in person is something you would regret, then I think you should do it.
That's such a hard situation to be in, having to weigh your needs versus the needs of a close friendship. Would it be possible to Skype? That way you get to "be there" and he wouldn't have to feel guilty that you put your job in jeopardy and racked up a ton of debt taking a last minute flight to see him. It's okay to take care of yourself and your family. I'm sure he would tell you the same thing. That's what friends do. They make the choices that help each other the most. He knows you're thinking of him and that you care about him - I doubt he would expect you to drop everything to be physically at his side when he knows your thoughts are with him. You don't have to physically be there, but with Skype it will offer you a better chance to see him. Even without it, I'm sure the phone calls meant the world to him.
OldGangWarily
Member
I'm sure you've done this but have you tried calling your boss? I feel like it's enough of an emergency to warrant it.
Also, if its not too late, I'll happily contribute to your plane ride home. Mental illness sucks :/
Also, if its not too late, I'll happily contribute to your plane ride home. Mental illness sucks :/
I can't of course make any judgement calls for you, and I really feel for you facing such an impossible choice. I wouldn't want you to face repercussions at work, but I agree with DeathoftheEndless that it's important to consider the mental weight of going vs not going on you. I hope you make the right decision for you but also that your boss understands one way or another.
Also, not to sound rude, but are you sure you'll be allowed in if you do go? A lot of hospitals will not admit anyone except blood relatives, even if you do have permission of the family. It's such a private time, and you mentioned how you don't care for his family, they may not even permit you in even if you travel all the way there (and even if they've said up to this point that they will). Just something else to consider.
InfiniteBento
Member
Hospice allows all visitors. His mothers been posting on his facebook keeping us all updated. She's been texting me through his phone being extremely kind. If I was allowed to be there I could see him. I dont know if I can ask to skype. He cant stare. His eyes are barely open and he cant speak.
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