Fuck football.
I’ve got all sorts of bad memories tied up with the game.
I was a skinny little kid with all the athletic prowess and gross motor coordination of a plank and I had zero enthusiasm for sports. Being born into a nation where boys were expected to be naturally interested in hitting a leather sphere into a rectangle, this was not a good thing.
I was so fucking useless at the game that I’d regularly be asked to act as a goal post in unavoidable school matches. I’d ALWAYS be the last kid to be picked out for the teams. Yup, I’d be stood there shivering alone, long after the fat kid and the girl had been chosen and there’d be a fierce argument going on over who was going to be lumbered with me.
If it was my teams turn to be skins (The team that had to take their tops off for the game) then that just introduced a fresh level of horror. Cue all the catcalls and merciless ribbing. ‘Hey Sid, where did you go?’.... ‘Hey Sid can you teach me how to vanish like that?’.... ‘Hey lads! Has anyone seen Sid?’.... ‘Anyone here play the xylophone? We can have a tune at half time!’.... So on and so forth. And that was just the sports teacher!
All good old fashioned character building stuff. So thanks but no thanks Sony, I won’t be playing your childhood trauma simulator, even for free.
