Relationship advice thread? Relationship advice thread.

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Cyd0nia said:
You spent three full days with her and she got bent out of shape because you weren't being full-time attentive to your phone afterwards.

I think people have been hard on you so far. Its okay to argue over this. Know why? You need to nip it in the bud and talk to her about it.
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The thing is, I agree with this.

Just, the thought processes and justifications that the OP is using are a bit out there.
 
Cyd0nia said:
You spent three full days with her and she got bent out of shape because you weren't being full-time attentive to your phone afterwards.

I think people have been hard on you so far. Its okay to argue over this. Know why? You need to nip it in the bud and talk to her about it.

It turns out she had a bad day and can't get the shiny phone plan she wanted or something, so she wanted to talk about it. That's fine! But long pauses in phone calls are going to make anyone feel awkward. That's not communication. I can see why you'd feel awkward and not know whether she'd want to continue the call. I'm sure you didn't mean to upset her by ending the call.

Here's the thing, you can't help her if she doesn't tell you what's wrong, and she might not want you to help. She might not even know what she wants to achieve by sharing that information dump about the phone plan. A lot of guys make the mistake of believing that women want their problems 'solved' - well? They're big and ugly enough to do that on their own. But maybe she just wanted you to be there and listen. If she's upset, she's upset, that's okay - but what can you do about it? Any of it?

And in your defence, she wasn't really communicating. She's already bitching to her friend about you because you weren't adequately monitoring your phone or something. She's not entitled to your undying attention, even when you're not with each other.

Getting bent out of shape over things like this isn't love. Love is doing loving things for someone. Its supposed to be nice. Your gut told you to break up with her, because you know this kind of clingy entitled behaviour is trouble!

She hasn't really done anything wrong yet other than not communicate though. So take stock, think, and if you care about her, tell her you'd like to give it a go but... have an honest discussion with her. If you agree with what I'm saying, don't sugar coat it for her.

The formative months of a relationship seem to be important. They dictate how it will go for the coming months and years beyond that. Clear the air, stay reasonable and encourage her to do the same and you might have a solid foundation for something.
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The part I bolded is spot on -- the 30 minute long conversation we had definitely hit this bit a few times, and that's what she was explaining to me. Something similar had happened before when we were on our way to see Interstellar, she was telling me about her family issues and was explaining it but didn't actually want me to help, just to listen. But I like to help, and so I suggested things and that just made her more angry, and I think that was more or less the case with the whole phone plan thing. She had an idea of what she needed to do and didn't actually need my help, but what she was telling me just made me want to try and help -- it's just what I do. The long pauses definitely made me feel awkward, and the same thing happened during the longer conversation too. It's an excruciating feeling when you don't know what to say or have anything to say, but they're not done with the conversation quite yet.
 
Da fuq is wrong with you? If you're going to break up with a girl every time she gets pissy that you weren't listening, justified or not, you are never going to get anywhere.

Now, she may have been a little annoying making you wait to tell you what it was she wanted to say, especially after introducing it so dramatically, but by your own admission the relationship has been fairly smooth.

You should have just said, "Sorry it felt like I wasn't paying attention to you. If you want to talk, come over" and been done with it. If this becomes a recurring issue then you should sit down and have a serious talk.

Breaking up with her over this is absurd and by doing it you're introducing further complications into the relationship that don't need to be there.
 
Starviper said:
The part I bolded is spot on -- the 30 minute long conversation we had definitely hit this bit a few times, and that's what she was explaining to me. Something similar had happened before when we were on our way to see Interstellar, she was telling me about her family issues and was explaining it but didn't actually want me to help, just to listen. But I like to help, and so I suggested things and that just made her more angry, and I think that was more or less the case with the whole phone plan thing. She had an idea of what she needed to do and didn't actually need my help, but what she was telling me just made me want to try and help -- it's just what I do. The long pauses definitely made me feel awkward, and the same thing happened during the longer conversation too. It's an excruciating feeling when you don't know what to say or have anything to say, but they're not done with the conversation quite yet.
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I know its weird to just sit and passively listen, I've been there - I bet a lot of us have. You're in this thing with someone, you want to help them and contribute to resolving things, show them that you care. But caring is enough. Listening is sometimes all you need to do. You do need to listen though, don't pretend - you might get a sudden quiz on the details ;)

It also feels strange, and maybe even insincere, to just sit there and say - "shit, that's a bummer", but if you have nothing to say, maybe think of ways you can relate. Has something similar ever happened to you? If nothing like that has ever happened to you, then that's what you can say too.

Again, in your defence, if someone is set on complaining about things and they're just naturally frustrated and angry, and making the conversation tense, it can make you nervous to say anything at all. If this is how you felt, I'd maybe tell her. I'm sure the silence on your part wasn't betraying the fact that you don't care. I'm sure you do.

Communication though man, say what you think and feel and let her do the same. Relate. You don't need to break up over these arguments and disagreements IF you can talk about them reasonably afterwards.
 
Starviper said:
http://www.teefury.com/dreamcatcher & http://www.teefury.com/follow-the-white-rabbit

She had seen the dreamcatcher one and showed it to me, and I know she really likes Alice in Wonderland so I got the other one with it. They hadn't quite yet arrived however, but we still went out and had brunch. Pretty sure the package arrives today. :/
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I asked so we could all get a better idea of what sort of relationship you had before this, and from what you've said you seem like fairly attentive guy who's into her enough to take note of her interests.

I get that you were annoyed that she was interrupting your 'me' time but as other people have said, sometimes you've got to do it for her. There'd come a time when you'd expect it in return.

It just seems such an insignificant thing to break up over.
 
I just have a hard time understanding why someone "in love" would break up with someone like this.

But then again, I try not to use that word so cavalierly.
 
Seems like a cliche, but it basically comes down to communication. Honestly, you're both still young, so neither of you may have much experience in what it takes to sustain a long term relationship (which is fine, since at your stage of life, chances are that's not what either of you are ready for).

It'd probably be a good idea communicating how each of you expected that situation to go. Sometimes, it's just a misunderstanding of what the other had in mind. Maybe she didn't realize you perceived her actions as clingy or intruding in your personal time. Maybe you didn't realize the level of attention she's seeking seemed baseline for her. Maybe she didn't see how her actions exacerbated the drama to you. Maybe you didn't get that your response seemed selfish to her.

Once you both have a better idea of what the other wants out of the relationship, you can then be honest and evaluate whether it's worth compromising or not. If it's not worth it to you, then just move on. Sometimes people just aren't compatible.
 
MushroomSamba said:
Seems like a cliche, but it basically comes down to communication. Honestly, you're both still young, so neither of you may have much experience in what it takes to sustain a long term relationship (which is fine, since at your stage of life, chances are that's not what either of you are ready for).

It'd probably be a good idea communicating how each of you expected that situation to go. Sometimes, it's just a misunderstanding of what the other had in mind. Maybe she didn't realize you perceived her actions as clingy or intruding in your personal time. Maybe you didn't realize the level of attention she's seeking seemed baseline for her. Maybe she didn't see how her actions exacerbated the drama to you. Maybe you didn't get that your response seemed selfish to her.

Once you both have a better idea of what the other wants out of the relationship, you can then be honest and evaluate whether it's worth compromising or not. If it's not worth it to you, then just move on. Sometimes people just aren't compatible.
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This, this, this.
 
Makonero said:
I just have a hard time understanding why someone "in love" would break up with someone like this.

But then again, I try not to use that word so cavalierly.
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Yeah, I get that. I don't like to use the word all that much unless I know it's something that will last for awhile. We could still get back together, but I had acted pretty set in stone last night and I know if we did get back it would be really rocky. I'm really uncertain if i'm doing the right thing or not. She really dislikes video games and she can't come out to the type of shows im into because of the flashing lights and movement (warehouse parties, that sort of scene -- she gets motion sickness) but we got along really well beyond that.

It just sucks. I'm kind of mad at myself for being a dick, but I did think on it for awhile before I did what I did. I know I can find someone else, but it's hard to say whether or not that's the better choice.
 
Op

This is the part where you get off GAF and go fix the situation and apologize for being a dick because you know you done fucked up.
 
You say you get on well despite the fact she 'can't come to certain shows because she gets motion sickness' as though that might be a reason you wouldn't get on.
 
Starviper said:
I'm really uncertain if i'm doing the right thing or not. She really dislikes video games and she can't come out to the type of shows im into because of the flashing lights and movement (warehouse parties, that sort of scene -- she gets motion sickness) but we got along really well beyond that.
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notsure.jpg


Like, how is that even worth mentioning as a factor in the relationship? Especially the latter part.


What I keep pointing out here OP is, you say you "can't handle drama at all, I just try to avoid it when I can," but darn do you create some serious drama out of extremely insignificant things.
 
Starviper said:
She really dislikes video games and she can't come out to the type of shows im into because of the flashing lights and movement (warehouse parties, that sort of scene -- she gets motion sickness) but we got along really well beyond that.
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Uh, why would her not being interested in those things be a problem? My vertigo doesn't keep my partner from climbing/rappelling.
 
You can fix this if you communicate very clearly with her. Just make it clear that you need your space sometimes and it doesn't mean you don't care about her if you don't always reply to texts RIGHT AWAY. She should have other people to go to for support if you're not available (ideally).
 
terrisus said:
notsure.jpg


Like, how is that even worth mentioning as a factor in the relationship? Especially the latter part.
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Well, to him, it's apparently something that matters enough and is a criteria he looks for in relationships. The importance of that may change in the future, but right now, he seems more interested in having an activity buddy, not necessarily a committed relationship. And that's completely fine...it's just a matter of him being aware of the stage he's in and not mistaking it with something more.
 
MushroomSamba said:
Well, to him, it's apparently something that matters enough and is a criteria he looks for in relationships. The importance of that may change in the future, but right now, he seems more interested in having an activity buddy, not necessarily a committed relationship. And that's completely fine...it's just a matter of him being aware of the stage he's in and not mistaking it with something more.
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I guess I really didn't need to post that bit. It is something that I do think about, like it'd be nice to have someone who's interested in all the things I like but I know it's never going to be like that haha. There's a lot of things that are great about her I can mention.

Anyways, I sent her a text and will try and work things out. We'll see what happens. I really do appreciate everyone's comments, it's not easy to see the things I am doing wrong, but it sure as hell is easy to focus on the things I see wrong about her. It's tricky to not think that way when you're upset and stressed.
 
Starviper said:
http://www.teefury.com/dreamcatcher & http://www.teefury.com/follow-the-white-rabbit

She had seen the dreamcatcher one and showed it to me, and I know she really likes Alice in Wonderland so I got the other one with it. They hadn't quite yet arrived however, but we still went out and had brunch. Pretty sure the package arrives today. :/
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My relationship isn't quite analogous to yours (6+ years, long distance throughout), but my girlfriend definitely acts the same way. She was more clingy from the start than I was used to and I was thrown off by it. Echoing other people in this thread, the best thing to do is talk about it.

I told her that she was being clingy and that I thought she was calling too much. I could tell it was hard for to come to terms with it, but she made concessions early on because she loved me. I did as well. I reserve around an hour of my time a night to talk to her on iChat or Facetime and talk to her on the phone when she's in bed before she goes to sleep. The most important thing, to me, is to come to some sort of compromise from the communication.

The reason I quoted this post is because this gives you an in. When the package comes you can let her know it's arrived and that she can come get it or you can go give it to her. I think that would be a perfect time to talk and reconcile if you so wish.

P.S. I also have had problems with not hearing my phone over various video games. The way I've found works for me is (if it's on vibrate) keep it on a hard surface and within your view of the video games. For me, this is to the left of my keyboard or on my mousepad.
 
esms said:
My relationship isn't quite analogous to yours (6+ years, long distance throughout), but my girlfriend definitely acts the same way. She was more clingy from the start than I was used to and I was thrown off by it. Echoing other people in this thread, the best thing to do is talk about it.

I told her that she was being clingy and that I thought she was calling too much. I could tell it was hard for to come to terms with it, but she made concessions early on because she loved me. I did as well. I reserve around an hour of my time a night to talk to her on iChat or Facetime and talk to her on the phone when she's in bed before she goes to sleep. The most important thing, to me, is to come to some sort of compromise from the communication.

The reason I quoted this post is because this gives you an in. When the package comes you can let her know it's arrived and that she can come get it or you can go give it to her. I think that would be a perfect time to talk and reconcile if you so wish.

P.S. I also have had problems with not hearing my phone over various video games. The way I've found works for me is (if it's on vibrate) keep it on a hard surface and within your view of the video games. For me, this is to the left of my keyboard or on my mousepad.
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That's the current plan. :)

And as for the bit about the phone, I put it on vibrate so it's not going off at work and sometimes I just forget. I hate the sound of phones vibrating on hard surfaces however.. I'll just have to be better at remembering to turn it back on haha.
 
Starviper said:
She really dislikes video games.
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Good. I'm sure you game enough for both of you and it's good to have someone balance that out. Honestly, I don't think "likes video games" should ever be even a slight concern when looking for a girlfriend.

I still have no clue why you'd break up because she said you weren't being attentive, especially when that hasn't been a consistent issue, or at least you didn't mention it if it has.

It almost sounds like you were looking for any excuse to break it up, despite claiming the relationship has been very smooth and you really like her. Makes no sense.

Just as an example: have you ever dealt with a girl on her period who is also stressing about other things in her life not related to you? Do you know what kind of shit you sometimes get during that time? If your response to this simple issue is to break it up, you'll be looking for a new gf every couple of months.
 
I've been hanging out with an old friend who moved back to town recently. Feelings have started to arise, and I want to ask her out.

I just need advice on the best way to ask her out. It won't be as easy as asking someone I barely know.
 
JackLongRod said:
Op

This is the part where you get off GAF and go fix the situation and apologize for being a dick because you know you done fucked up.
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This. Can't believe what I was reading. Op panics and breaks up because his gf of three months was upset. They're both being super dramatic here but op you overreacted big time.

Edit: Saw he sent her a text. Well good luck anyway
 
Log4Girlz said:
Did you ever move on from that one girl that fucked you up emotionally?
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Yeah definitely lmao. My post was about a girl at work, who is either overtly friend or coming onto me, and how it's kind of a mess of a situation because I'm happily in a relationship, but there is some minor drama because of this girl between me and my GF and this girl's insistence on making our relationship more than just coworkers.
 
mooooose said:
Yeah definitely lmao. My post was about a girl at work, who is either overtly friend or coming onto me, and how it's kind of a mess of a situation because I'm happily in a relationship, but there is some minor drama because of this girl between me and my GF and this girl's insistence on making our relationship more than just coworkers.
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The fact that she wanted to carry on trying to be friends outside of work and was willing to do it under a fake name so your gf doesn't find out should throw up a whole bunch of flags
 
Zeyphersan said:
The fact that she wanted to carry on trying to be friends outside of work and was willing to do it under a fake name so your gf doesn't find out should throw up a whole bunch of flags
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Word, I'm oblivious and have low self esteem and just assume no one is actually interested in me lol. Flattering that she's interested but I'm not gonna do anything about it.
 
mooooose said:
Word, I'm oblivious and have low self esteem and just assume no one is actually interested in me lol. Flattering that she's interested but I'm not gonna do anything about it.
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Which was totally fine, like, the first time. But when she wanted you to put her in your phone under a guy's name, that's the red flag
 
Zeyphersan said:
Which was totally fine, like, the first time. But when she wanted you to put her in your phone under a guy's name, that's the red flag
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It's weird to me because who wants to be a cheater? I'm not that great lol go meet some other guy who is single and don't be a homewrecker.

I just really hope that's an actual red flag and I'm not misreading her looking for friendship as looking for sex. I'd just feel really embarrassed. You seem pretty certain tho
 
mooooose said:
Yeah definitely lmao. My post was about a girl at work, who is either overtly friend or coming onto me, and how it's kind of a mess of a situation because I'm happily in a relationship, but there is some minor drama because of this girl between me and my GF and this girl's insistence on making our relationship more than just coworkers.
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And I have no one and nobody finds me attractive. So, cheer up.
 
mooooose said:
It's weird to me because who wants to be a cheater? I'm not that great lol go meet some other guy who is single and don't be a homewrecker.

I just really hope that's an actual red flag and I'm not misreading her looking for friendship as looking for sex. I'd just feel really embarrassed. You seem pretty certain tho
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I'm pretty great, but I can't be certain about this, because I'm only going off your description that you have since erased anyway.

But look man. Your gf is obviously feeling a bit sensitive about the whole thing, which I think is understandable. You have to basically approach this from however you want to: even if this coworker WANTED to get with you, she basically needs your consent to do so. She can't make you cheat on your girl, no matter how many numbers she hides in your phone. You either have to decide that you DO want to be friends with this girl outside of work, and in that case are going to have to have a real talk with your girlfriend to try and convince her. If that doesn't work, you have to decide what's more important, keeping your current relationship in a good place or being friends with the coworker. Or you can decide from the onset that being friends with her isn't really that important to you, and avoid a confrontation with your gf about this altogether.

It doesn't matter what HER intentions are, home wrecking or not. It matters how you want to deal with this whole thing.

edit: Meant to say your gf was being SENSITIVE. Changes the context dramatically
 
Log4Girlz said:
You clearly don't know me, I am senseless good sir. Senseless. Oh and ugly.
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Ugly as in others find you ugly or ugly as in you find yourself ugly? Both of those are beliefs that can be worked on and getting a more fit body might help unless if the self esteem/body image issues have not been resolved too.
 
Starviper said:
Yeah, I understand that fully, and I knew why she was more upset when I got that text. I had spent the last 4 days with her though, so I was just in that mood where I just wanted to relax and do my thing. Where we left it off at was that i'd come with her to the store tomorrow, and she told me about the good things she had happen that day, but then there was just that long awkward pause and I didn't want to keep talking, I just wanted to enjoy my time. I know I kind of sound like a jerk saying that, but I need space sometimes.
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Read my recent break up threads. This sounds just like me. My ex was everything I wanted, but I got too comfortable (granted we were together much longer than you guys) and I would put my own shit (gaming, movies, sleep, whatever) in front of her needs. This ultimately fucked me over in the end.

Learn from this. If you're with a woman you want to make a life with, put them first, no matter how annoying it may be when you're gaming. Otherwise you'll be a depressed pile of shit mess like I have been for the past month (and counting).
 
From my personal experience if you are in a 3 month relationship, said girl calls you, and you'd rather keep on playing videogames or wonder when the conversation will end you are better off just ending it right there and then.

Sounds like to me you do not feel the love in your relationship and that is a necessary ingredient for it to work.
 
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