Relationship advice thread? Relationship advice thread.

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Starviper

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Hey all. I know NeoGAF loves these sort of threads, and I guess it's my turn to throw something in the pot here..

Basically, been in a 3 month relationship with this beautiful girl. Very smart, enjoyable person to be around and up until now things have been going smoothly for the most part. There have been some minor snags here and there, but until last night things were alright.

So the 30th was her birhday, and over the weekend I spent time with her every day. In all, friday-sunday I was with her each day. Tuesday was my day off, so when I got home I made some mac n' cheese, smoked a bit and started playing some Counter Strike: GO and stopped looking at my phone.

Around 6:45 she texts me, asked how my day has been. She then calls me twice over the next hour and then around 7:50 she texts me again saying she's not trying to be annoying, she's just had a bad day and I said i'd like to help so she'd like to talk to me. I saw the screen go off that time (I was really into this game, and was listening to music, didn't see it going off) and I give her a call then.

She explains that she went to the Sprint store to try and switch over from AT&T (they were overbilling like crazy and she'd been wanting to switch) and how they have this 350$ ETF fee visa they will give you per line for switching over. Her and her brother got a plan together and they went into the store to try and get 2 of the cards for their fees. My understand is thus -- their contract is up and they're just paying off contract now. They have leased phones from AT&T and still have to pay off the balance or give them up, and she figured that the ETF fee thing would cover paying off the phones and their bills from AT&T. When she had gone in before, someone made it sound like that it would be covered, but now they wouldn't do it.

I've switched around my plans more than enough and was on sprint, and I work in IT as a Systems Admin. so I was trying to explain it. Didn't help too much, so I said i'd come with her tomorrow and we could get it figured out after I got off work. She tells me about the rest of her day (got a new job, awesome, and did great on tests, also awesome!) and i'm going along with it.. And then there's this long pause. And i'm just sort of sitting there waiting for her to let me go so I can get back to what I was doing. So eventually, I say i'm going to go and there's sort of another pause.. So I say it again and hang up.

I get a text a little bit later saying 'can i be totally honest? I don't want to make you mad or sound like a bitch, but i'd like to be brutally honest right now..'

I go 'uhh.. go ahead' and wait.. 5 minutes later, nothing, I text 'What is it? :(' and wait. Then I call her and no answer. So now i'm stressed the fuck out.

As i'm typing up something, I get 'Forget it. I love you'

:|

So I explain 'Now you've made me stressed, saying that and then disappearing. Sorry I didn't answer the phone right away, I had it on vibrate and wasn't looking at it... .. I love you too, but what was that about? :/'

So now things get really ridiculous. She says she doesn't want to make me mad, I say to not hold grudges, i'd like to know what's going on. I'm then told 'just wait a moment, if you really want to know i'll call you after i'm done bitching to (friends name here)'

WTF?

So she calls me. We have a 30 minute long conversation about why we're upset with each other, and I'm explaining my side and asking her 'does this make sense? I don't understand why you're even angry' and she agrees with me.. But then proceeds to say that I wasn't listening to what she has to say and that not picking up my phone right away wasn't helping things. So now i'm just so completely baffled by all of it, I say I just want to get off the phone for a bit and breathe and think about things. She ends it with 'well if you're breaking up with me don't keep me waiting'

That set me over the edge right there. I collected my thoughts for a good hour or so and let her know I was breaking up with her. She called me back immediately very upset (crying) and was sorry and wanted another chance to make this all better. I told her I had made up my mind, and we ended the call at that. I got a text saying 'is there another way we could do this, rather than just text' which I get means she wants to come over and talk..

I am just so completely baffled by the whole thing that I don't even know what to think. My mind was pretty made up last night, but I had a few drinks and felt like crap, and now I don't really know what to think this morning. Am I just being an asshole and making a huge deal out of some stupid argument? Idk, GAF, help me out.

tl;dr -- great 3 month relationship, got into one absolutely ridiculous argument over nothing, and now we're at odds.
 
The need for immediate attention is maybe bad.

But then, so is saying "waiting for her to let me go so I could get back to what I was doing."

You're both wrong. Pistols at dawn, 10 paces.
 
bjork said:
The need for immediate attention is maybe bad.

But then, so is saying "waiting for her to let me go so I could get back to what I was doing."

You're both wrong. Pistols at dawn, 10 paces.
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Yeah, I understand that fully, and I knew why she was more upset when I got that text. I had spent the last 4 days with her though, so I was just in that mood where I just wanted to relax and do my thing. Where we left it off at was that i'd come with her to the store tomorrow, and she told me about the good things she had happen that day, but then there was just that long awkward pause and I didn't want to keep talking, I just wanted to enjoy my time. I know I kind of sound like a jerk saying that, but I need space sometimes.
 
Makonero said:
...how old are you and her, OP?
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I would also like to know this.

You both sound crazy. But if she really is that great of a person try to be empathetic and not overreact every time she is upset about something. You have to be chill around your SO. And if you don't care about the conversation you still have to fake caring.
 
Makonero said:
...how old are you and her, OP?

Usually when you break up with someone, you know why!
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I'm 23, she's 21. I really don't do well with drama, and that's basically why I broke it off here. The whole situation felt really immature to me, and I feel like i'm beyond this sort of stuff. But I don't really know, maybe i'm just overreacting which is why I wanted to post all this and see what GAF thought.
 
Starviper said:
Yeah, I understand that fully, and I knew why she was more upset when I got that text. I had spent the last 4 days with her though, so I was just in that mood where I just wanted to relax and do my thing. Where we left it off at was that i'd come with her to the store tomorrow, and she told me about the good things she had happen that day, but then there was just that long awkward pause and I didn't want to keep talking, I just wanted to enjoy my time. I know I kind of sound like a jerk saying that, but I need space sometimes.
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The problem isn't that you needed space, it is how you verbalized it. Why didn't you explain, "Okay honey, I need some alone time. If I don't respond to your texts right away, please be patient, I'll get back to you when I can."

Adults should talk these things out. And while she might be clingy, if she is as amazing as you say, she should understand your need for space. But don't treat talking to her like it is a chore.
 
Starviper said:
Yeah, I understand that fully, and I knew why she was more upset when I got that text. I had spent the last 4 days with her though, so I was just in that mood where I just wanted to relax and do my thing. Where we left it off at was that i'd come with her to the store tomorrow, and she told me about the good things she had happen that day, but then there was just that long awkward pause and I didn't want to keep talking, I just wanted to enjoy my time. I know I kind of sound like a jerk saying that, but I need space sometimes.
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Almost everyone needs space sometimes. But some people need constant attention, so if that's not your thing, better to break things off now than way down the road.
 
So you broke up with her because of a 30 minute heated conversation that you yourself deemed dumb. Who's fault it is is irrelevant. If you were willing to break up with her for that, you probably don't really like her as much as you think.

Move on at this point. You've only dated 3 months and ya'll have already broken up. That is a terrible foundation.

If by the off-chance you actually really do like her. You fucked up. Her insecurity will be through the roof and you'll break up again soon if you try to get back together.
 
I think you need to be more patient with her. you should have talked some more instead of the long pause and leaving it at that just to get back to the game. Imagine the insecurity she felt when you didn't answer your phone and her having to text you that she isn't trying to bother you. You should have made up for that. Also, appreciate the fact that she was honest enough to tell you that she was "bitching" to a friend. Most girls i've been with keep me absolutely oblivious as to what them and their girlfriends talk about... thats why my type is "not ghetto" and "doesn't have bitchy girlfriends."
 
Op you overreacted and very badly at that

If you can't learn to deal with a women's drama / emotions / needing attention you're in for a loooooong sad lonely life my friend.
 
Makonero said:
The problem isn't that you needed space, it is how you verbalized it. Why didn't you explain, "Okay honey, I need some alone time. If I don't respond to your texts right away, please be patient, I'll get back to you when I can."

Adults should talk these things out. And while she might be clingy, if she is as amazing as you say, she should understand your need for space. But don't treat talking to her like it is a chore.
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Yeah, definitely understand that now. I guess I figured after 4 days of being together she would just understand that today was my day to chill, and that doesn't mean I'm unwilling to help her out when she's stressed. I felt like I did, but I didn't end the conversation in the best of ways. I think she wanted me to talk about how my day was and keep it going but I had my mind set on other things.

bjork said:
Almost everyone needs space sometimes. But some people need constant attention, so if that's not your thing, better to break things off now than way down the road.
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That's basically it. This sort of argument really brought that part of her personality out. I thought I could handle it but not if it's to this degree where being away from my phone for an hour results in multiple calls and texts.
 
I'm confused as to why you broke up with her over this. You said things were going great, and from the sound of it you weren't into the conversation at all and were probably doing the smile and nod so you could get back to your game. That's probably why she was upset.

Starviper said:
I'm 23, she's 21. I really don't do well with drama, and that's basically why I broke it off here. The whole situation felt really immature to me, and I feel like i'm beyond this sort of stuff. But I don't really know, maybe i'm just overreacting which is why I wanted to post all this and see what GAF thought.
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Breaking up with her was an overreaction. You can't just break up after every minor argument because you're not in the mood to fix it. For 23 I would think that you'd be aware of this by now, and I say this because I'm 3 years younger than you and this doesn't come close to my definition of drama.
 
JackLongRod said:
Op you overreacted and very badly at that

If you can't learn to deal with a women's drama / emotions / needing attention you're in for a loooooong sad lonely life my friend.
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I can, I've been in longer relationships. One was a year+ and the big one from back in high school was 2-ish years. It's that that I can't handle drama at all, I just try to avoid it when I can.
 
zeemumu said:
I'm confused as to why you broke up with her over this. You said things were going great, and from the sound of it you weren't into the conversation at all and were probably doing the smile and nod so you could get back to your game. That's probably why she was upset.
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I honestly was not going to at all until that last thing she said about it. I hadn't hinted towards anything like that at all, and the long conversation we had on the phone was all talking through the argument we had. But for whatever reason, the way she said it just put it at the forefront of my mind.
 
I'd say you were both acting pretty overdramatic here. Her behavior on the phone was weird, what with the pauses and stuff, which leads me to believe that there was something she was waiting for you to say that you didn't. Which wouldn't be a big deal, but then she turned it into this big stressful thing. Nothing is more stressful than being set up for bad news then being told to forget it. And the "if you're breaking up with me" line is pretty crazy. However, and this is an assumption, I get the feeling that your attitude during the conversation probably wasn't helping. I wasn't there, maybe you were a wait. I'm just guessing. Only because I've been there. In my own world, doing my own thing, then my girlfriend calls and wants to talk for an hour or so on the phone. I hate talking on the phone, so I've been pretty inattentive and gotten into very similar trouble.

If I you were, I'd give it a second chance. Something happened, there was a pretty crazy breakdown in communication, and you both got really upset. You just have to ask yourself if this girl is worth it. Assuming that a situation like this could pop up again, would it be worth going through? If not, don't feel bad about breaking up. Everyone has a certain level of stuff they're willing to put up with from another person. If she's her behavior has pushed her past your threshold, then whatever. A big part of a relationship is being able to deal with the other person when they're upset or acting a little crazy. Everybody does it sometimes, so you're going to be in situations where your girlfriend irritates the shit out of you.

I guess I don't really have much to say here, though. It's hard to give advice in a situation where I don't really know everything. It's possible you two are just not compatible and this argument was that coming to play. But it's also possible you two are great together, but just had one of those misunderstandings that any two people can have, no matter how much they share a wavelength. Really the only important question is this: Do the good times you spend with this girl make it worth it to be as irritated as you were then?
 
Starviper said:
I can, I've been in longer relationships. One was a year+ and the big one from back in high school was 2-ish years. It's that that I can't handle drama at all, I just try to avoid it when I can.
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best way to avoid all kinds of drama is to be honest with yourself and honest with ur partner. lay down the ground rules and let them know where you stand. I treat relationships like business contracts... its not always a good thing, but at least we avoid explosions of drama.
 
If you can't handle drama, you'll never handle relationships. Breaking up after one little argument is ridiculous. The breakup line by her was because she had no confidence because of the spat.

What you should have done was simply said, "I'm not breaking up with you at all, I just want to work through it."

You blew your load and didn't handle the argument properly. Move on I guess.
 
Hm...

What I am wondering about the story is just the pause and she wanted to tell you something, but then decided not to. Or did I understood something wrong?
 
Immaturity on both sides or you really just don't care that much (which is okay just be honest with yourself about how you feel) considering you have decided to break up with her over one night of over dramatic phone calls.

She sounds extremely needy and insecure but you also sound like a bit of a jerk considering you are calculating your time with her so heavily "I just spent all weekend with her and now she wants to interrupt my counter-strike time?!". Take a step back and learn to be upfront and honest with your feelings "Sorry you're stressed, I'm kind of busy here but I do want to help, can we talk tomorrow?". She doesn't feel heard or secure which may not be your fault, but is something that needs to be addressed if you get back together so that she doesn't continue to try and play stupid games to get more of your attention.

Set some boundaries if you have to in regards to making sure you get enough personal time to yourself. Also if you stay together you need to draw a line and express to her that you will not be playing games like she tried to with the "can I be brutally honest? lol just kidding, hold on and wait 30 minutes" shit. Don't buy into that stuff, try and ignore it if those things start to come up and if it becomes a problem again you let her know and then get space or leave it.
 
zeemumu said:
Well you could, but you'd never be in a relationship for more than half a year. It'd be like quitting Dark Souls and creating a new character every time you die.
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Yeah, but if making up after every argument is like lighting a bonfire in Dark Souls and all the shit you just went through respawns, why bother? I'll go play DDR or something.
 
Starviper said:
It's that that I can't handle drama at all, I just try to avoid it when I can.
Click to expand...

This is a really common thought process and one that, to me, demonstrates a lack of maturity. I think that's because normally when people say it, they're just using drama as a way to say "other people's problems." There are going to be things your girlfriend gets upset about that you don't understand. Saying you have no patience for drama sounds like you can't be assed to empathize with someone. In addition, breaking up with someone like that is...pretty damn dramatic.


Borgnine said:
It's always 23.
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Shit. I'm 23. Should I be scared?
 
Mass_Pincup said:
Did she had a bad day because of the problem with Sprint or something else?
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Yeah, she was originally only upset because of the Sprint/AT&T situation. Everything else she told me was great -- she got a new job through a friend of hers and she aced her tests at school. And I figured we had the phone bit figured out because I said i'd come with her tomorrow.

EskimoJoe said:
I'd say you were both acting pretty overdramatic here. Her behavior on the phone was weird, what with the pauses and stuff, which leads me to believe that there was something she was waiting for you to say that you didn't. Which wouldn't be a big deal, but then she turned it into this big stressful thing. Nothing is more stressful than being set up for bad news then being told to forget it. And the "if you're breaking up with me" line is pretty crazy. However, and this is an assumption, I get the feeling that your attitude during the conversation probably wasn't helping. I wasn't there, maybe you were a wait. I'm just guessing. Only because I've been there. In my own world, doing my own thing, then my girlfriend calls and wants to talk for an hour or so on the phone. I hate talking on the phone, so I've been pretty inattentive and gotten into very similar trouble.

If I you were, I'd give it a second chance. Something happened, there was a pretty crazy breakdown in communication, and you both got really upset. You just have to ask yourself if this girl is worth it. Assuming that a situation like this could pop up again, would it be worth going through? If not, don't feel bad about breaking up. Everyone has a certain level of stuff they're willing to put up with from another person. If she's her behavior has pushed her past your threshold, then whatever. A big part of a relationship is being able to deal with the other person when they're upset or acting a little crazy. Everybody does it sometimes, so you're going to be in situations where your girlfriend irritates the shit out of you.

I guess I don't really have much to say here, though. It's hard to give advice in a situation where I don't really know everything. It's possible you two are just not compatible and this argument was that coming to play. But it's also possible you two are great together, but just had one of those misunderstandings that any two people can have, no matter how much they share a wavelength. Really the only important question is this: Do the good times you spend with this girl make it worth it to be as irritated as you were then?
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Thanks for the advice, it does really help. You are right, it was all quite overdramatic. And you're right about the pauses -- I know what it means, that I need to say something//add more to the conversation. She was calling me about her stressful issues and I didn't really have anything to add beyond what I did, so it ended on a sort of awkward note. For the record, I didn't just go immediately back to playing Counter Strike, I went and laid in bed for a bit thinking about it and then moments later I got those texts.

And the whole setup with the texts and telling me to forget it did stress me out a lot. I was having a great day up until that point.

However, and this is an assumption, I get the feeling that your attitude during the conversation probably wasn't helping. I wasn't there, maybe you were a wait. I'm just guessing. Only because I've been there. In my own world, doing my own thing, then my girlfriend calls and wants to talk for an hour or so on the phone. I hate talking on the phone, so I've been pretty inattentive and gotten into very similar trouble.
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Exactly this. Honestly, I'm not the most personable person on the phone. I don't like it -- I talk to customers on the phone all day at work fixing firewalls and network configurations. The last thing I want to do when I get home is to have stressful phone conversations.

If I you were, I'd give it a second chance. Something happened, there was a pretty crazy breakdown in communication, and you both got really upset. You just have to ask yourself if this girl is worth it. Assuming that a situation like this could pop up again, would it be worth going through? If not, don't feel bad about breaking up. Everyone has a certain level of stuff they're willing to put up with from another person. If she's her behavior has pushed her past your threshold, then whatever. A big part of a relationship is being able to deal with the other person when they're upset or acting a little crazy. Everybody does it sometimes, so you're going to be in situations where your girlfriend irritates the shit out of you.

I guess I don't really have much to say here, though. It's hard to give advice in a situation where I don't really know everything. It's possible you two are just not compatible and this argument was that coming to play. But it's also possible you two are great together, but just had one of those misunderstandings that any two people can have, no matter how much they share a wavelength. Really the only important question is this: Do the good times you spend with this girl make it worth it to be as irritated as you were then?
Click to expand...

You are really spot on with the advice. This did set me over a certain threshold, mainly it was that last comment she had on the phone. I wasn't thinking about breaking it off until that comment. We were good together, but I know there's a lot more people out there. Maybe someone on the same wavelength as me. I am definitely set on what i've put into motion, and I really do thank you for your thoughts.
 
Starviper said:
I'm 23, she's 21. I really don't do well with drama, and that's basically why I broke it off here. The whole situation felt really immature to me, and I feel like i'm beyond this sort of stuff.
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Everyone has to get through it. You can decide if you want to suffer as she learns these things or if it isn't worth it. This incident seems like it ought to be easy to resolve.

Starviper said:
It's that that I can't handle drama at all, I just try to avoid it when I can.
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You can avoid drama by being proactive, or you can avoid it by running away from it. Seems like you're doing the latter. I found life got easier when I became more willing to address problems and resolve conflict when it happens.

Drama and conflict happen easier when one is young and immature, and they happen more easily early on in a relationship because you're still learning how the other person behaves*— until your expectations of their behaviour match reality, you've got this big potential for problems.

*such as you not being personable on the phone.
 
Avoiding drama doesn't work with someone you are trying to be in an intimate relationship with. You need to confront it by carefully considering why it occurs and discuss what you think may be the underlying issues with the other person. Based on what you are posting in the thread it sounds like you both need some practice at communicating and also with not letting things get too emotional when stress is involved.
 
She's clingy but doesn't mean you have to be a jerk about it. If you don't have patience for her feelings at this time then its better for you to stay apart. A lesson well learned. If you want to stay in a long commited relationship, you need to be more patient with her insecurities.
 
Starviper said:
Yeah, she was originally only upset because of the Sprint/AT&T situation. Everything else she told me was great -- she got a new job through a friend of hers and she aced her tests at school. And I figured we had the phone bit figured out because I said i'd come with her tomorrow.

Thanks for the advice, it does really help. You are right, it was all quite overdramatic. And you're right about the pauses -- I know what it means, that I need to say something//add more to the conversation. She was calling me about her stressful issues and I didn't really have anything to add beyond what I did, so it ended on a sort of awkward note. For the record, I didn't just go immediately back to playing Counter Strike, I went and laid in bed for a bit thinking about it and then moments later I got those texts.

And the whole setup with the texts and telling me to forget it did stress me out a lot. I was having a great day up until that point.

Exactly this. Honestly, I'm not the most personable person on the phone. I don't like it -- I talk to customers on the phone all day at work fixing firewalls and network configurations. The last thing I want to do when I get home is to have stressful phone conversations.

You are really spot on with the advice. This did set me over a certain threshold, mainly it was that last comment she had on the phone. I wasn't thinking about breaking it off until that comment. We were good together, but I know there's a lot more people out there. Maybe someone on the same wavelength as me. I am definitely set on what i've put into motion, and I really do thank you for your thoughts.
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Everything you said in this post is great, but this is what you need to be telling her, not GAF. Really consider communicating to her in person how you thought the problem was solved, your hang-ups about talking on the phone, and how the "brutally honest" thing really affected you in a negative way and made you not want to spend time with her anymore.

Also watch this video.
 
EskimoJoe said:
This is a really common thought process and one that, to me, demonstrates a lack of maturity. I think that's because normally when people say it, they're just using drama as a way to say "other people's problems." There are going to be things your girlfriend gets upset about that you don't understand. Saying you have no patience for drama sounds like you can't be assed to empathize with someone. In addition, breaking up with someone like that is...pretty damn dramatic.
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Right. I can't avoid all drama, it is just a generalization of sorts. Every relationship comes with some sort of drama, and i'd handled what has come up so far. I guess what I mean is if someone seems like they're causing issues and making up problems, it is not a person I want to be spending time with.
 
Starviper said:
Right. I can't avoid all drama, it is just a generalization of sorts. Every relationship comes with some sort of drama, and i'd handled what has come up so far. I guess what I mean is if someone seems like they're causing issues and making up problems, it is not a person I want to be spending time with.
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I get it. Minimizing drama is definitely ideal. And if finding someone else is the best way to do it, then more power to you. Glad I could help, I hope it all works out.
 
CrudeDiatribe said:
Everyone has to get through it. You can decide if you want to suffer as she learns these things or if it isn't worth it. This incident seems like it ought to be easy to resolve.



You can avoid drama by being proactive, or you can avoid it by running away from it. Seems like you're doing the latter. I found life got easier when I became more willing to address problems and resolve conflict when it happens.

Drama and conflict happen easier when one is young and immature, and they happen more easily early on in a relationship because you're still learning how the other person behaves*— until your expectations of their behaviour match reality, you've got this big potential for problems.

*such as you not being personable on the phone.
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Hah :)

Good advice. Will definitely keep this in mind for the future.
 
EskimoJoe said:
Shit. I'm 23. Should I be scared?
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alreadydead.jpg




Borgnine said:
Feeling a little listless? Unsure about where your life is heading?
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EskimoJoe said:
Well I am now, asshole! I don't have any damn lists at all!
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A+
 
Starviper said:
Right. I can't avoid all drama, it is just a generalization of sorts. Every relationship comes with some sort of drama, and i'd handled what has come up so far. I guess what I mean is if someone seems like they're causing issues and making up problems, it is not a person I want to be spending time with.
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---->

terrisus said:
>Can't handle drama at all
>Breaks up with someone over a minor argument about something unimportent
Click to expand...
 
You spent three full days with her and she got bent out of shape because you weren't being full-time attentive to your phone afterwards.

I think people have been hard on you so far. Its okay to argue over this. Know why? You need to nip it in the bud and talk to her about it.

It turns out she had a bad day and can't get the shiny phone plan she wanted or something, so she wanted to talk about it. That's fine! But long pauses in phone calls are going to make anyone feel awkward. That's not communication. I can see why you'd feel awkward and not know whether she'd want to continue the call. I'm sure you didn't mean to upset her by ending the call.

Here's the thing, you can't help her if she doesn't tell you what's wrong, and she might not want you to help. She might not even know what she wants to achieve by sharing that information dump about the phone plan. A lot of guys make the mistake of believing that women want their problems 'solved' - well? They're big and ugly enough to do that on their own. But maybe she just wanted you to be there and listen. If she's upset, she's upset, that's okay - but what can you do about it? Any of it?

And in your defence, she wasn't really communicating. She's already bitching to her friend about you because you weren't adequately monitoring your phone or something. She's not entitled to your undying attention, even when you're not with each other.

Getting bent out of shape over things like this isn't love. Love is doing loving things for someone. Its supposed to be nice. Your gut told you to break up with her, because you know this kind of clingy entitled behaviour is trouble!

She hasn't really done anything wrong yet other than not communicate though. So take stock, think, and if you care about her, tell her you'd like to give it a go but... have an honest discussion with her. If you agree with what I'm saying, don't sugar coat it for her.

The formative months of a relationship seem to be important. They dictate how it will go for the coming months and years beyond that. Clear the air, stay reasonable and encourage her to do the same and you might have a solid foundation for something.
 
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