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[Agentnibs]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate the encouraging words.

Just so you know, I haven't said anything to her. I haven't heard anything from her either.

this is really difficult however and I just can't help but feel destroyed. Someone above asked me if I was confusing her or the relationship making me better.

I believe it was her, something unique about this girl was that she knew everything about me. And at least until the start of this year I knew everything about her. Maybe I grew to depend on her too much, but for the first time in years I was able to be open up with someone who didn't judge and accepted me for who I was good and bad. And I did the same for her, we were both broken people and we both took care of each other the best we could. she helped me start to like myself again, I had hope again. For years I destroyed myself and the people around me but with her she held my hand through it and made me realize my mistakes don't have to define me.

The crushing part is at the peak of this resurgence, she left. It felt like she abandoned me, and it makes me feel like the person I was trying to overcome pushed her away. It felt like it was my fault, and the worst part was that I didn't even realize it. I was feeling better, more positive, happy, I had goals again and I wanted to make her happy. but despite those good feelings, she left. And worse she replaced me with someone else.
It feels almost like a cruel joke sometimes. I believe she got confused, like a few of you have said. I think she grew feelings for someone else but didn't have the heart to tell me, despite me asking many times and having good reason to suspect. I think that she still loved me but for whatever reason prefered to spend her time with him because at least she didn't have to worry about me losing it and making her feel bad.

The worst part is that I believe this could of all been preventable if she had just been open from the start. Somewhere along the line she started to think that we would never work and started a self fulfilling prophecy. Despite me trying over and over again to prove to her the contrary.

She once told me that when she was with me she felt really good, its just that the second she left she would get in her head again and start to think the worst. I assume this means that there really was nothing I could of done. In her head it was done, and there was nothing I could do. i think she was too scared to actually commit to that and so proceeded to lead me on for months.

It really hurts and I feel stupid. I keep having to remind myself that I really tried. I really fucking tried. But I guess sometimes things just don't work out, no matter how hard you work. I just wish things were different.

 

[wondermega]

Ugh. Reading this reminds me how awful I felt when I was younger and a relationship with a girl felt like the most crucial, self-defining thing in the world - and when it fell apart, how world-ending it seemed, how painful.
Anyway, you'll grow older and look back at these days with kind of a nostalgic melancholy. There will be so much more important shit in your life, so much more meaningful, that the time and energy you've spent agonizing over "her, and all of this" and being neurotic will just seem trite. Spend your time grieving, then concentrate on moving forward and concentrating on what really matters (what you are actually doing with your own life, what makes you interesting). Once you get your act together a bit more, it'll be easier to see and you will be happier and not quite so lonely.
Everyone goes through this shit. It's just part of growing up.

 

[SnakeSlashRO]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate the encouraging words.

Just so you know, I haven't said anything to her. I haven't heard anything from her either.

this is really difficult however and I just can't help but feel destroyed. Someone above asked me if I was confusing her or the relationship making me better.

I believe it was her, something unique about this girl was that she knew everything about me. And at least until the start of this year I knew everything about her. Maybe I grew to depend on her too much, but for the first time in years I was able to be open up with someone who didn't judge and accepted me for who I was good and bad. And I did the same for her, we were both broken people and we both took care of each other the best we could. she helped me start to like myself again, I had hope again. For years I destroyed myself and the people around me but with her she held my hand through it and made me realize my mistakes don't have to define me.

The crushing part is at the peak of this resurgence, she left. It felt like she abandoned me, and it makes me feel like the person I was trying to overcome pushed her away. It felt like it was my fault, and the worst part was that I didn't even realize it. I was feeling better, more positive, happy, I had goals again and I wanted to make her happy. but despite those good feelings, she left. And worse she replaced me with someone else.
It feels almost like a cruel joke sometimes. I believe she got confused, like a few of you have said. I think she grew feelings for someone else but didn't have the heart to tell me, despite me asking many times and having good reason to suspect. I think that she still loved me but for whatever reason prefered to spend her time with him because at least she didn't have to worry about me losing it and making her feel bad.

The worst part is that I believe this could of all been preventable if she had just been open from the start. Somewhere along the line she started to think that we would never work and started a self fulfilling prophecy. Despite me trying over and over again to prove to her the contrary.

She once told me that when she was with me she felt really good, its just that the second she left she would get in her head again and start to think the worst. I assume this means that there really was nothing I could of done. In her head it was done, and there was nothing I could do. i think she was too scared to actually commit to that and so proceeded to lead me on for months.

It really hurts and I feel stupid. I keep having to remind myself that I really tried. I really fucking tried. But I guess sometimes things just don't work out, no matter how hard you work. I just wish things were different.

You put all your eggs in one basket, people do it. I think everyone does it at least once (relationship speaking). If you read what put here you should notice that you relied on her too much. If you build yourself up, on another person, when they leave you will be unstable.

You need to be a man on your own, find out what you like, what you don't like about yourself and tweak yourself accordingly. If you can't be happy by yourself, you defiantly cant be happy in a relationship past the honey moon period unless you are settling...

Don't settle, don't go for the safe bet... Make yourself the person that can get the person you want and do what you need to do to stay in that state/status whatever.