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[highrider]

Mine goes to my grandfather on my mother’s side. He passed about a decade ago after a long, amazing life. My grandmother died before him and when he was in his 80s he moved back to my area to be closer to family and in assisted living. He wasn’t wealthy but a retired circuit court judge and did pretty good.

He was kind of the classic old man that was unable to acknowledge his physical deterioration. We had taken him to visit other family in Kentucky, and he was having a lot of trouble with mobility at this point in his life so it was a fairly busy undertaking to take him anywhere, and he couldn’t just adjust his life for it. You’d be like let’s go play basketball and he’d be like let’s go!

We had taken him on this big family dinner at a nice restaurant, my cousins and uncle/aunt and it was kind of ridiculous taking him out at this point. Walker, oxygen tank, like Joe Biden in 10 years. At the dinner my uncle was talking about taking all of us to Mammoth Cave which is a big tourist thing in Kentucky like a natural mammoth cave lol. But anyway my grandfather kind of interjected that he’d love to go which of course everyone kind of silently rolled their eyes. Except my uncle who is like this funny, southern dude, and would be the point man, he says, Grandaddy you know we all love you but put it out of your mind because it’s not going to happen.

 

[O-N-E]

Back in Israel when I was a baby, gas masks had been distributed and everyone had to put them on during missile strikes.

So there was a missile strike and the picture is my mom trying to get the mask on me in the crib, everyone else gets them on and my grandpa takes the piece around the mouth off and starts smoking.

 

[Joelenheimer]

So awhile back maybe 2003-2004, I went out to the shed in our backyard to see what my father was up to. At the time, I didn't know, but years later I'm pretty sure he was snorting coke. Anywho, I surprised the fucker as he snapped, grabbed a pair of wooden nunchucks he had in there and started swinging them rapidly near me semi Bruce Lee'ish. I ran. He chased me still swinging making Kung Fu wails all through the back yard, I was scared shitless. I made it to the back door of our house and ripped em open, sprinting through the living room to another door in my path of escape. Ripped that door open and shot down the hallway to my room with my crazy fucking dad still in pursuit, wailing like a 70's kung fu star. I get to may door grab the knob and for whatever reason the door wouldn't open. I turn around and BAM, cracked in the head with a wooden pair of nunchucks and lying on the floor. My dad's laughing response, "I thought you were going to dodge!"
Good times...

 

[Ozzy Onya A2Z]

The old man was clumsy AF on the ski slopes. Every single family outing he would lose control and knock into/over a bunch of kids and have to apologise. One time he wiped out near the top of a diamond run with serious speed and he's basically going like a bat out of hell in a seated position upright on his ass and just had to pick up a kid wholesale then bear hug them instead of rolling right through them and causing serious harm. Literally in a flash this unwitting kid is gone from slowly skiing with their own family and my dad held them safely until they came to a halt about half way down the run. Dad got his lift ticket punched by the ski patrol and no more diamond runs for him that day.

 

[JareBear: Remastered]

The Aristocrats.

 

[highrider]

The Aristocrats.

 

[It's Jeff]

Sure, here's one.

It's 1950. My grandfather and his family enjoy the lavish lifestyle that comes from being in tight with the government. See, grandpa owns school buses. The government is paying him to get the kids to school. He takes great care of his five children. His wife is well kept - although he keeps having dalliances on the side. Nobody seems to mind, it's the cultural norm.

He packs up the kids and wife with the clothes on their backs. They flee south. The communist government seized private assets advances past the 38th parallel. The North Korean dictatorship, with the aid of human treasures Stalin and Mao makes a mess of everything. Millions dead and missing, one country split in two, and a family of ideological lightweights are running the show to this day. With nuclear capacity, mind you.

My mother's family is stacked with survivalist, paranoid, bipolar maniacs stemming from early childhood trauma. They, including my mother, are a nightmare to deal with. But they're family, and it's really not their fault.

The moral of the story? Fuck communists. Stupid white kids think communism is cute. Fuck them, too.

 

[JareBear: Remastered]

Ok real answer. When I was a young lad I had a pretty wild adventure with my family and friends. Pretty scary stuff really, we almost all lost our houses and would have had to move to new towns.

Facing foreclosure of our homes in the Goon Docks area of Astoria, Oregon to an expanding country club, a group of children, we called ourselves "the Goonies," gather for a final weekend together. Our little crew included optimist Mikey Walsh, his older brother Brandon, the inventive Data, the talkative Mouth and the overweight klutz Chunk....hey, that's ME!.

Rummaging through the Walshes' attic, we came across a 1632 doubloon and an old treasure map purporting to lead to the famous pirate "One-Eyed" Willy's hoard located somewhere nearby, whom Mikey considers to be the original "Goonie". Us kids evade Brandon and made our way to an abandoned restaurant on the coast that coincides with the map; Brandon soon follows alongside Andy, a cheerleader with a crush on him; and Stef, Andy's friend. This is where things got WHACKY, as we quickly discovered the derelict restaurant is a hideout of the Fratelli crime family: Francis, Jake and their mother Mama. Those rotten motherfucking bastards.

We found a tunnel in the basement and followed it, but I was captured by the Fratellis and imprisoned with their deformed and immensely strong younger brother Sloth, who is legend.. Sloth is fucking legend.

The Fratellis intimidated me until I revealed where the we had gone, AH POOP I really blew it here fellas, and begin pursuit. I was left behind with Sloth, but befriended him. More like a brotherhood. We are kindred spirits, after all, and we both appreciate a great candy bar. After Sloth freed both of us, I called the police and then Sloth and I followed the no good motherfuckin' rotten bastard Fratellis.

The rest of the Goonies evaded several deadly booby traps (which aren't as cool as they sound, trust me) along the tunnels while staying ahead of the Fratellis. Finally, we reached the grotto where Willy's pirate ship, the Inferno, is anchored. The group discovered the ship is filled with treasure and we started filling our pockets, but Mikey warned us not to take any on a set of scales in front of Willy by considering that to be our tribute to him. As we left the ship, the Fratellis appeared and stripped us of our loot. What a bunch of cunts.

They made us all walk the plank until I, the hero, the REAL GOONIE, Chunk arrived with Sloth and distracted the Fratellis long enough for the Goonies to jump overboard. The Fratellis proceeded to grab all the treasure they could, including those on Willy's scales; but those little bitches didn't see this coming: this triggers another booby trap that caused the grotto to cave in. With Sloth's help, the Goonies and Fratellis barely escape.

The two groups emerged on Astoria's beach, where they reunite with our families and the police. The Fratellis were arrested, but I prevented Sloth from also being taken; I invited Sloth to live with me, in Chunkland, which he accepted.

As all us kids described our adventure to our parents, Mikey discovered that his marble bag, filled with gems he took from the ship, had not been taken by the Fratellis. Mikey's father triumphantly ripped up the foreclosure papers, declaring they now have enough money to negate the foreclosure. As the we all celebrated, we saw the Inferno, having broken free of the grotto, sailing off on its own in the distance.

Legend has it that ship sails the seas of Astoria to this day.

And that's how I beat AIDS.