Sam Cassell is the ugliest guard in the history of professional basketball, by a long margin- the 1996 Bulls of perimeter hideousness. Everything that can go wrong with a human face, side from gigantic warts, goes wrong with Cassell's. But we'll give Cassell his due. He has boldly stepped up time and again and said, "Never mind how ugly I am! Just get me the damn rock!", and has made shots.
Now, I understand that between the ears, Popeye Jones is probably more or less of normal intelligence. To the best of my knowledge, he functions normally in society; can write a check, drive a car, change his own clothes, that kind of thing. But I see this picture, and quite frankly, it's hard to believe he isn't somehow mentally impaired in some way. It's unkind to say, but it's true. The poor guy- not poor, actually, just ugly- guy just has so much shape to his head. He looks kind of like a Slow Mutant from Stephen King's "Dark Tower" series. Unsolicited Advice to Popeye Jones: Grow hair
During a Cavaliers broadcast from back in the day when the gargoyle they called "T. Time" at Xavier was with the club, Michael Reghi uttered the words, "Tyrone Hill, lookin' good!" I understand he's supposed to get the Cavs' backs, but come on. Like Pino says: "Pop. Stop lyin'."
As flat-out hideous as this man is, he does have an excuse- two excuses, actually. He's seven foot-seven, and he's from Romania. That having been said, he looks brutal. Brutish as well. Inch-for-inch the ugliest man on this team, that team, any team. Looking at Gheorghe Muresan makes one nostalgic for the Cold War, when this monstrosity would have been hidden by the Iron Curtain from our oh-so-tender eyes.
We won't throw too many stones at Havlicek, because he's from the OH-10 (Martins Ferry, to be exact), and he did have a nice head of hair. I don't know where his face belongs- maybe in a black-and-white picture- but his hair belongs at the country club, circa 1973, with a whiskey sour and a turtleneck. Nice 'do, Hondo!
Larry Joe Bird, in addition to being an All-Ugly performer, also owns the distinction of being the ugliest man on the ugliest team in NBA history, the 1985-86 Boston Celtics. Larry Joe, DJ, McHale, and The Chief provided a solid core of unattractiveness, but it was the acquisition of Bill Walton that put the C's over the top. I'm a little surprised that the Big Redhead isn't on this team. He can be the announcer.
By the way, if you think Larry Bird is ugly, you should see his daughter. Hello! She looks exactly like him. She might even have that little baby mustache. It's horrifying, really. It's one thing to look like Larry Bird, and be a man. But to look like Larry Bird and be a woman... oh, my Lord. Not to mention that his face leaps generations.
Bateer would make a perfect wrestler. Bad guy, of course. King Kong Bundy type. He could wear a singlet with one arm strap and could call himself "The Intifada". Bateer could fight a "Special Delivery" Jones of a chumpstick opponent at Wrestlemania and pin him in nine seconds.
Ewing's jaw... there hasn't been one of its like in the human race in 60- shoot, 70,000 years. If Ewing was to pass on, and you got a hold of his skeletal jaw and buried it in the Olduvai Gorge, the archeologist who dug it up might announce that he had found a speciman that was almost certainly Homo Erectus, though remarkably well-preserved. Ewing doesn't clean up well, either. He looks worse in a suit than in a uniform. Bad part is he wore the suit for most of his career, as he watched one ringless season after another pile up. Good. He and his team destroyed pro basketball in the '90s. The Knicks weren't good enough to beat anyone fair and square, so they just played rough. F--k them, and f--k Ewing too!
More to be found over here. :lol
My dad always calls Sam Cassell "the hammerhead shark."
