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[element]

http://theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4038&n=1

hahahaha

 

[xsarien]

Their "Shit That Writes Itself" department is always great.

 

[Hournda]

I'm sorry but the onion sucks. Usually they just have lame ass articles like "This just in: Jimmy cracks corn and I don't care." or dumb stuff like that.

 

[White Man]

Ramones Reunion Nearly Complete

EVIL.

 

[worldrunover]

Onion = genius.

 

[dog$]

EVIL.

:lol Onion has the best obituaries.

"Ebert victorious."

"Ringo next."

 

[Ignatz Mouse]

The Ebert one-liner is my favorite Onion bit ever.

 

[Justin Bailey]

http://www.theonion.com/nib/index.php?issue=4038&nib=5

Congressional Candidate Forced To Explain Controversial 1971 'Fuck Everything' Remark

LITTLE ROCK, AR—U.S. Rep. Vic Snyder (D-AR) was forced to defend himself Monday against Republican opponent Marvin Parks' claim that witnesses heard Snyder say "Fuck everything" in 1971. "At least four people attest that they saw an inebriated 24-year-old Vic Snyder tell a group of fellow medical-school students, 'I'm so sick of dealing... Fuck everything,'" Snyder said. "Everything? Did Snyder mean 'fuck' middle-class families who need tax relief? Did he mean 'fuck' the nation's elderly? Does Snyder say 'fuck' the American flag?" A spokesman for Snyder said the remark made perfect sense when put in the context of finals week

Gold.

 

[videogamer]

http://www.theonion.com/nib/index.php?issue=4038&nib=5



Gold.

I certainly wouldn't appreciate having other people ruin a learning environment.

 

[Ghost]

Organizers Fear Terrorist Attacks On Upcoming Al-Qaeda Convention

:lol

 

[MetatronM]

:lol Onion has the best obituaries.

"Ebert victorious."

That was the funniest headline I have ever seen.

 

[Shinobi]

"Our goal was to follow in the tradition of great multi-platinum artists like Elton John, Phil Collins, and the Dave Matthews Band—sales powerhouses who relied on the musical ignorance of their fans," Thomas told reporters following Monday's announcement. "We knew that if we wanted to match those historic giants for sheer lack of energy, we couldn't settle for anything less than total banality. And, though it took a lot of time and effort, I think we achieved that—an album that sets a new standard for trite crapola."

"It's really derivative and boring," he added.

"No matter how many times we recorded the new single 'Sitting Down (Hands At My Side),' there was still a certain 'oomph' coming through in the drums, a loud-ish, slightly gripping sound that we couldn't remove," drummer Paul Doucette said. "Finally, after running them through about two dozen filters, we managed to get that 'plastic spork hitting mashed potatoes' sound we were after."

:lol Guess they're not Matchbox 20 fans...

 

[Rorschach]

:lol Gold! All GOLD!

 

[FortNinety]

""Grab a chair, America!" she added. "The most uninteresting band in formulaic, corporate radio is back!""

Every word of that piece is gold.