This might be it for me when it comes to hardcore gaming

Bartski

Bartski

Member
So long story short: I'm 43, never been married, no kids. Been through a few seriously rough relationships that straight-up made me give up on love life.

But a while back, I met this wonderful creature and recently things took off to the point where we've pretty much decided to start a family. She's moving in. We fuck like rabbits with no protection, and honestly I'm kinda shitting bricks. On one hand, it feels like that priceless chance I haven't had in years. We're a match made in heaven. She accepts my dark past, my epic body count, my addiction, my struggles.

But there's one thing she doesn't know: how deep the rabbit hole goes with my gaming. Like, I've got this cozy job, where I sometimes straight-up book time off, tell everyone to fuck off, and play Death Stranding 2 for 18 hours a day for a week. She? Her gaming started and ended with The Sims back in high school. I get the feeling those worlds are 100% incompatible.

So how the fuck do you even navigate this, GAF? I mean — anyone here who games seriously and lives with a partner who's totally alien to it? Luckily, she's a bit of an introvert, so it's not like she needs constant attention. She gets the need for space. She values just being near each other. And I hope she'll understand that I will love her even more if she lets me spend a night now and then outside of our bed — glued to a screen. But will she really? I try dropping hints, but what I get back makes me think it's gonna be rough. She's my absolute top priority, and I'm ready to sacrifice whatever I must to make this work. But is there really no other way?

Is this really it for me — all that's left being rushed, casual gaming sessions while she's at work?
 
Buddy if your perfect wife doesn't respect your hobbies she's not your perfect wife.

That said: part of living together is making sacrifices, large and small while you both put in effort to meet each other halfway. You should still be able to play games, but playing videogames 18 hours a day for a week probably is off the table - and it should be at this stage in your life. Priorities shift.
 
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Bartski said:
She gets the need for space. She values just being near each other.
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Sounds like my ex. I gave her an ipad loaded up with streaming apps and she'd sit at one end of the sofa in the "girl nest" she made while I gamed on the big screen.

Sometimes I'd be playing something that caught her interest, if not she'd just marathon soaps on the ipad until it was time to eat or go out.

However....
"spend a night now and then outside of our bed — glued to a screen."

no-nope.gif
 
What's the reason for your hardcore gaming? Is it a backlog you're desperate to get through, simply a way to fill the time, a therapeutic way to decompress, or something else?
 
I've been with my ex wife for 15 years. From the start of our relation I was honest about my passion for videogame and how it's important to me to have some time to game (or just for me in general)
She was not at all into gaming but accept it nonetheless. I could play basically whenever I wanted. I even took one week of vacation for the release of Dark Souls II without problem.

Now with a new girlfriend, no plan to live together but from the start I was clear for my passion for gaming and she's fine with it even if not a gamer herself. (But now I have children so my family is already done so it's a bit "accept it or leave it" xD)

I guess if you're honest about it (and still accept few concession here and there) and she's fine with it, no reason it doesn't work.
It's not different than any other hobby (with better reputation like music, sports etc...)
If she sees gaming like a bad thing from the start, it might be difficult.
 
SJRB said:
That said: part of living together is making sacrifices, large and small while you both put in effort to meet each other halfway. You should still be able to play games, but playing videogames 18 hours a day for a week probably is off the table - and it should be at this stage in your life. Priorities shift.
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Pretty much my take.

Video games were always a big part of my life, but being an adult also meant less time for my hobbies, which is normal, it's not just about me anymore, but me, her, and the family, and each need separate time.
 
Talk to her about it. Let her know it's a hobby of yours that you really enjoy. Yeh you maybe can't spend all your time doing it. But she should respect that it's something you enjoy and that you will get that you want to spend time doing it. It's not healthy for a relationship for you to be spending all your free time together anyway. It's good to have time doing your own thing. For you that can be gaming and other hobbies you have. Then while you're doing that she could be reading, watching something or doing something else she's into. You can still be important to each other without being totally consumed by each other. Life is about having a balance, you don't want one aspect, whether it be your job, a relationship or a hobby to totally outweigh the other aspects and lead to you neglecting them.
 
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My wife is absolutely no gamer at all, though she also gives me my space to play. Not as much as I did when I was alone, obviously, as she and the kids also want some attention.
That´s why the Switch came in so handy for me. Handheld gaming is the best for married dudes, lol. If you´re on PS5, get a used Playstation Portal for cheap and you can play anywhere anytime.
 
DaciaJC said:
What's the reason for your hardcore gaming? Is it a backlog you're desperate to get through, simply a way to fill the time, a therapeutic way to decompress, or something else?
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I love it. I never had a backlog, I usually just played games I love to completion and I'm bloody amazing at time management to make it work. It's not decompressing either; I just enjoy it. There is certainly a component of my chronic addictive personality involved, as I've been substance sober for almost 10 years.

Skyfox said:
Steamdeck
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I have the deck with now the drifter and ninja gaiden : ragebound with no time to play now. So I guess this is the backlog you all speak of
 
Trunx81 said:
Handheld gaming is the best for married dudes, lol. If you´re on PS5, get a used Playstation Portal for cheap and you can play anywhere anytime.
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I have the portal but streaming from the console has a lag that pisses me off. I'm keeping a close eye on cloud streaming reaching full potential
 
My wife has been accepting my gaming hobby for decades and she's not a gamer. If you get with someone who doesn't understand your interests or wants you to stop then that person isn't for you.

It's about acceptance, not changing.
 
Not to be a debbie downer, but this isn't likely to work out. For starters, the sex will drop off, and nothing ends it faster than a kid. She will want control over you, it's just natural for women, and the gaming is the easiest lever to pull.

And a kid....they are nuclear bombs on your life. NOTHING stays the same post-kid. That dialed in focus on a game? Forget it. The luxury to play and just push chores off till later? Nope. "It's too loud", "It's too violent", "Is that ALL you do???" Prepare thyself for these things.

Plus, little kids are TERRIBLE at games, so you gotta help them ALL THE TIME. Or they just wanna play baby games, over and over. They can't hold up their end on a raid, they make lots of dumb decisions like picking pink clothes for an avatar over better weapons with a 0.001% higher rate of fire, and for THE LIFE of me, I can't get them to stop crying when they get pwned by a shit talking bastard online with a donkey dick for an avatar pic.
 
Bartski said:
So long story short: I'm 43, never been married, no kids. Been through a few seriously rough relationships that straight-up made me give up on love life.

But a while back, I met this wonderful creature and recently things took off to the point where we've pretty much decided to start a family. She's moving in. We fuck like rabbits with no protection, and honestly I'm kinda shitting bricks. On one hand, it feels like that priceless chance I haven't had in years. We're a match made in heaven. She accepts my dark past, my epic body count, my addiction, my struggles.

But there's one thing she doesn't know: how deep the rabbit hole goes with my gaming. Like, I've got this cozy job, where I sometimes straight-up book time off, tell everyone to fuck off, and play Death Stranding 2 for 18 hours a day for a week. She? Her gaming started and ended with The Sims back in high school. I get the feeling those worlds are 100% incompatible.

So how the fuck do you even navigate this, GAF? I mean — anyone here who games seriously and lives with a partner who's totally alien to it? Luckily, she's a bit of an introvert, so it's not like she needs constant attention. She gets the need for space. She values just being near each other. And I hope she'll understand that I will love her even more if she lets me spend a night now and then outside of our bed — glued to a screen. But will she really? I try dropping hints, but what I get back makes me think it's gonna be rough. She's my absolute top priority, and I'm ready to sacrifice whatever I must to make this work. But is there really no other way?

Is this really it for me — all that's left being rushed, casual gaming sessions while she's at work?
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"I sometimes straight-up book time off, tell everyone to fuck off, and play Death Stranding 2 for 18 hours a day for a week"

whGVgF1p9LKlamdE.gif
 
Moderation is a word you need to learn. Also priorities. Move gaming down the priority list and have moderation is all things. Also you should probably get married if you two are committed to each other, especially for kids. Begin to build a life together.

If you currently have a drug/alcohol addiction get help for that. No reason to bring a kid into that.

My wife does not game I do, and before we got married I talked about that I am going to do this. But other things with kids and family and wife take priority.
 
Bartski said:
I have the portal but streaming from the console has a lag that pisses me off. I'm keeping a close eye on cloud streaming reaching full potential
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Try a dedicated 5ghz line for it. I got my Portal yesterday and set up an exklusive channel for it with priority. Cloud gaming with 60fps and no stutters. Works great! And I don´t even have a PS5.
 
18 hours a day sounds like a you problem to be honest. Maybe if you are 20 and your body can take it and handle the stimulants. But in your 40s your body will start to reject that sort of behavior anyway.
 
Bartski said:
I love it. I never had a backlog, I usually just played games I love to completion and I'm bloody amazing at time management to make it work. It's not decompressing either; I just enjoy it. There is certainly a component of my chronic addictive personality involved, as I've been substance sober for almost 10 years.
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Fair enough. Long days or nights of nothing but gaming will probably be out of the question going forward, especially if a baby will be in the picture, but to me it sounds like you'd still find satisfaction from shorter gaming sessions? Or perhaps you could explore her interest in setting aside one or two nights a week where you command the TV and play whatever and she watches casually or reads a book or something? That might be acceptable to her as an introvert.
 
I remember the days when I only played late at night, after she went to bed. And then, she complained because I wasn't there lying like a hugging pillow beside her instead of playing.

Even if she were busy posting social media bullshit, she couldnt stand I was playing in the couch. Few things anger a woman more than seeing a man chilling instead of sweating with home repairs. "That bulb is flickering!", "this door doesnt open smoothly" !

In short, living together is about sacrifices. For both.
 
Bartski said:
So long story short: I'm 43, never been married, no kids. Been through a few seriously rough relationships that straight-up made me give up on love life.

But a while back, I met this wonderful creature and recently things took off to the point where we've pretty much decided to start a family. She's moving in. We fuck like rabbits with no protection, and honestly I'm kinda shitting bricks. On one hand, it feels like that priceless chance I haven't had in years. We're a match made in heaven. She accepts my dark past, my epic body count, my addiction, my struggles.

But there's one thing she doesn't know: how deep the rabbit hole goes with my gaming. Like, I've got this cozy job, where I sometimes straight-up book time off, tell everyone to fuck off, and play Death Stranding 2 for 18 hours a day for a week. She? Her gaming started and ended with The Sims back in high school. I get the feeling those worlds are 100% incompatible.

So how the fuck do you even navigate this, GAF? I mean — anyone here who games seriously and lives with a partner who's totally alien to it? Luckily, she's a bit of an introvert, so it's not like she needs constant attention. She gets the need for space. She values just being near each other. And I hope she'll understand that I will love her even more if she lets me spend a night now and then outside of our bed — glued to a screen. But will she really? I try dropping hints, but what I get back makes me think it's gonna be rough. She's my absolute top priority, and I'm ready to sacrifice whatever I must to make this work. But is there really no other way?

Is this really it for me — all that's left being rushed, casual gaming sessions while she's at work?
Click to expand...
I thought this too, when my wife and I got together almost 30 years ago. And at first it definitely took its toll on my free time (courting the wife, having kids to take care of, dividing chores in the house, etc.) For about 10 years it was just popping in a quick GBA game session a few hours a week.

For me, the passion came back when the kids were reaching 7-8 years old and got into gaming themselves. Being able to share my passion with my kids was something that really lit a spark in me, even if at first it was just playing Mario Party a couple of times a week with them. Eventually this led to Left 4 Dead LAN parties, playing through Fallout 3 with my daughter, and helping my son marathon all the mainline Dragon Quest and Final Fantasy games when he was in high school.

Now they're grown (my daughter just turned 28, I feel so old), but we still get together when our schedules line up and play couch co-op games (latest is TMNT Splintered Fate). My wife, over the years, has come to recognize that it's a great way for me to bond with the kids. But she also learned years ago that I'm happiest when I'm getting good gaming time in, and that it helps me decompress. I didn't really know that about myself 30 years ago, and certainly couldn't have put it into words back then.

OP, you're 43 so you're old enough to stand up and defend your hobbies and what you want out of life. But it's also okay to take a step back from gaming and focus on what matters to you.
 
Bartski said:
So how the fuck do you even navigate this, GAF? I mean — anyone here who games seriously and lives with a partner who's totally alien to it? Luckily, she's a bit of an introvert, so it's not like she needs constant attention. She gets the need for space. She values just being near each other. And I hope she'll understand that I will love her even more if she lets me spend a night now and then outside of our bed — glued to a screen. But will she really? I try dropping hints, but what I get back makes me think it's gonna be rough. She's my absolute top priority, and I'm ready to sacrifice whatever I must to make this work. But is there really no other way?

Is this really it for me — all that's left being rushed, casual gaming sessions while she's at work?
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  1. If you have the opportunity to get married and have kids - go all in. It's amazing and worth it, assuming your GF isn't a toxic psycho. It's hard work, and it can be frustrating at times, but it's worth it for sure.
  2. Yes, how you spend your leisure time is going to change. It's inevitable. I would frequently spend 8 hours a day gaming on my weekends prior to getting married and having kids. I also watched a lot of movies and read several books a year. The books went away, and the movies became a trickle after I got serious about building my family.
  3. Not only is how you spend your time going to change, but your identity is going to change. This is the thing that scares people into not wanting to have kids. Me now being on the other side of it looking back, it's 100% a good thing, even though it was scare before.
In my case, my wife always knew she wanted to breast feed, which basically meant she lived in a recliner nursing our kids back to back for several years. She was a stay-at-home mom, so my job was to go to work, take care of whatever house chores she didn't get to, and take care of her. I found a lot of little pockets of time (an hour here, or there) where she was asleep with the baby, and I was able to jump on a game in the other room.

I also found that whole process really jacked with her sleep even after the kids were done breast feeding and they were sleeping through the night. My kids are 16 and 13 now, and she will still sleep 11 hours if nothing wakes her up. Being a guy in my 40s, I sleep about 6-7 hours a night. So that extra 4-5 hours between our sleep schedule gives me alone time that I can use to game.

Now between work and all the responsibilities, I certainly don't have as much time as I did when I was single, but I still get opportunities to plow through long RPG games. The major change for me was retreating from the living room to an office where I have a desk, gaming monitor, and headphones. That lets me play while keeping quiet and letting everyone else sleep.
 
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Bartski said:
Thanks for the wholesome feedback gang. I think I'll take the plunge
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This is what is getting you into trouble in the first place!!!!

Kids are a world shattering experience. And a life long one. Starting a family in your 40's or with a woman that isn't at least 90% with you is a perilous journey to say the least.

If kids are not really something you are 100% committed to but you like smashing raw, just get snipped, stock up on the prep pill, and carry on.

But the good news is that little tykes have a tendency to reorder your priorities whether you are conscious of it or not, so gaming will probably naturally fall away as domesticated house-life takes over. I like to have a good week to myself a year for hardcore gaming, my wife is fairly understanding of this need for 'alone' time.
 
The 18 hours-a-day thing is a benefit of bachelor life. However, many negatives come along with constantly living the bachelor life, like what some here are hinting at.

Like others have said there is no need to go cold turkey. However, when you're playing your Death Stranding game or similar experience, it might be better to set a goal around a small amount of progress, like doing only a few deliveries or making it up until a certain cutscene, then calling it.

It's about reaching those little gaming milestones so that they will eventually add up to a larger milestone (like full completion), rather than attempting to go for the that largest milestone of completion within one stretch or two.
 
Relax

You'll be pretty busy first year to 18 months and games will be something you can do sporadically. 1/2 an hour to an hour here and there during the week. If you watch TV you have time to spare on this instead.

Then it'll ease up a little and you'll find more time. Not masses more but enough that you might play for an hour or two 4 days a week. Then your kids grow up a little and.....you can play games with them too!

My daughters are 12 and 15 now and we play together all the time. Split Fiction this year has been a real highlight with my youngest. My eldest girl is a soccer nut and we play FL25 regularly.

BTW pro-tip: buy Towerfall Ascension today. You'll thank me when you're all having an absolute blast with it 10 years from now.
 
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As another user mentioned, the gaming marathons are more part of the bachelor life, but there are plenty of negatives to that too. Part of being a well-rounded man is shifting your priorities and being able to live some of your life for others.

I have a wife and kids and still have ample time for gaming. I can squeeze in a couple hours a night after the kids are in bed no problem. And when they get old enough you can share the experiences with them (at least some E10-rated experiences). My kids love to watch me play Zelda games for instance.

Also consider marriage if you feel she's the one.
jason10mm said:
This is what is getting you into trouble in the first place!!!!

Kids are a world shattering experience. And a life long one. Starting a family in your 40's or with a woman that isn't at least 90% with you is a perilous journey to say the least.

If kids are not really something you are 100% committed to but you like smashing raw, just get snipped, stock up on the prep pill, and carry on.

But the good news is that little tykes have a tendency to reorder your priorities whether you are conscious of it or not, so gaming will probably naturally fall away as domesticated house-life takes over. I like to have a good week to myself a year for hardcore gaming, my wife is fairly understanding of this need for 'alone' time.
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I think you're being too dramatic. It's vital to make a good choice in your wife but you're acting like his whole life is going to be worse for it. Life and happiness are about much more than simply pleasure.
 
200.gif

25 yrs married next month , In that time she has threw my pc at the wall (twice) , let the dog mangle my Destiny disc (still denies it lol)....For some reason it really annoys em when you laugh at a lady in the midst of a row.
But I wouldnt change her as she didnt bat an eyelid when I built my dream pc last yr :messenger_heart:
 
I would suggest making sure your life and hers are compatible before smashing all day long unprotected. That being said if you have kids your gaming will slow down for sure but a good wife and a child will be way more fulfilling that 18hrs of death stranding.
 
MidGenRefresh said:
You'll get all the answers when your first child is born.
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This is the answer. About both the gaming and what kind of woman she really is.

That said, if you're starting a family there isn't much need for virtual activities and achievements. There will be plenty of IRL ones to attend to. My gaming drops off a lot when I have a lot of things going on. That's how it should be. It's a thing for fun to fill the time when there is time to fill.
 
jason10mm said:
Kids are a world shattering experience. And a life long one. Starting a family in your 40's or with a woman that isn't at least 90% with you is a perilous journey to say the least.

If kids are not really something you are 100% committed to but you like smashing raw, just get snipped, stock up on the prep pill, and carry on.
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I don't care about smashing raw, we both wanna make a baby and she's 100% on board. She's also waay younger, while I may not be too old for this shit just yet, so that feels like perfect timing. Do I know what I'm doing? No, but looks like I'm about to find out.
 
Hmm just go with the flow and don't overthink it. Just get priorities in order. Like if your baby needs milk and Mom is not available what will you do? Play Dark souls or Give baby milk then play Dark souls? If you pick the right answer you should be ok.
 
Bartski said:
I don't care about smashing raw, we both wanna make a baby and she's 100% on board. She's also waay younger, while I may not be too old for this shit just yet, so that feels like perfect timing. Do I know what I'm doing? No, but looks like I'm about to find out.
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If she's way younger then you absolutely need to make sure that you two are on the same page with most things in life.

The more the age gap, the more potential problems may rise due to the younger person wanting to experience more things in life, while the older person is wanting to settle down and slow down. A balance has to be struck there or it won't work and you'll feel taken advantage of if things suddenly end.
 
You're not the first person with a spouse and a kid and plays video games. You'll be alright. Handheld devices are super helpful though. Get a Switch 2 and/or a Portal. You'll play less of course, and MMOs become rough, but single player experiences that you can pause on a whim are great. As the kid gets older, evening/night gaming gets a lot more doable. Find another gamer dad to game with for some online coop games. You'll both be in the understanding that the other person not being on that night or having to leave in a whim is just a thing that happens and there won't be hard feelings; this is how I played Way Out, Takes Two, the We Were Here Series, and several other games, and am playing Split/Fiction - it'll take a while to get through a game, but you'll still be able to. And of course you have your single player games when the other can't play that night.
 
I'd be less worried about finding time to game (that'll come) and more worried about having a kid in your 40's.
I had mine late 20's and I'm exhausted around 8 years later.
 
People really don't know what they're getting into.

I lived 36 years doing whatever the fuck I wanted, whenever I wanted. Traveling, eating, more traveling, buying whatever the fuck I wanted with a good job and lots of disposable income.

Then I got married and had a beautiful baby girl, bought a nice house, live comfortably and put my daughter in the best school I could find... and now I have maybe 10% of the freedom (financially and time wise) I had before, also kids eat through your wallet like nothing else, specially girls.

I wish you luck OP.

Edit: its funny that the little time I have to myself is spent doing couple stuff cause work got me swamped and you NEED to have time to connect with your wife. I game maybe a couple hours a week now.
 
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