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[Serick]

Some of you may remember I started a thread a few months ago asking for feedback on foster care (from foster families and ex-foster children) to help me make a decision on whether it was right for my husband and I.

Fast forward to 9/29/17 and we get a call at 11:00 AM letting us know they needed a placement home for a kindergartner who's parents were both incarcerated. We discussed and agreed to have him come to our home and live with us.

The experience was fantastic, until the first visitation where the family friend (who did not ask for or want the placement initially) saw who was fostering her friend's child. She was polite enough in person, but the fact that we were a same sex couple made its way back to bio-mom and she pushed said family friend to petition the court for the placement over us.

Any of you familiar with the foster care system will know that foster parents have no rights and no priority. Kin > Family Friends > Foster Parents.

Move forward 7 days from the initial visit to our Foster Son's first hearing where we are blind sided by the family friend and bio-mom (over the phone) asking the court to remove him from our home and place with the family friend.

Needless to say we were heartbroken. We knew going into this that it was a high-risk way to adopt but we never in a million years imagined we would lose our foster child so suddenly (typically you work with the family on reunification over a long, usually 12 month period.). It didn't help that we fell completely in love with this kid and would have adopted him in a heart beat.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for by posting this. I think I just needed to write my sorrow down. We're currently on hold for placements until we can dig ourselves out of this emotional rut.

 

[manzoman96]

I'm sorry to hear that, OP. Some people can be so close-minded and cruel.

 

[lem0n]

I'm sorry to hear that, OP. Some people can be so close-minded and cruel.

This. Sorry OP

 

[Sean C]

Very sorry to hear that. I can't imagine what that would feel like.

 

[Mathieran]

Sorry the system is so fucked up

 

[Toxi]

...I can't imagine how that feels. Wow.

Sorry to hear about this, and I hope that sharing the experience with other people will help.

 

[QisTopTier]

Pretty shitty that a parent in jail *don't know what for but of both are in that sounds bad* had sway over a decision like that.

 

[Syf]

I'm sure you would have provided the child with a loving home. Hope the next try works out right.

 

[Earthbound64]

Really sorry to hear all that...
Hopefully that doesn't put you off from trying again...

 

[ladyluthien]

I am so sorry to hear that. I am not familiar with being a foster mom or anything but I'm so sorry to hear that the bio-mom and family friend did this. If anything, at least the child was able to spend some time in a loving environment with you and I hope that the child can hold on to those memories and not succumb to the same views their bio-mom and that family friend has.

 

[Deleted member 30609]

thank you for being there -- i'm sure the week you provided was valuable. much respect.

 

[Escape Goat]

Is the family friend able to care for the kid? Or are they going to end up in jail eventually too?

 

[Nephtis]

Yeah, I don’t get how an obviously shit parent that’s in jail of all things gets to have a say in this. The court should be the one that makes that decision. The hell.

I’m very sorry OP. Having a good heart like you and your husband do will only mean you will be hurt over and over again by the shit legal system.

 

[Serick]

Pretty shitty thar a parent in jail *don't know what for both of both are in that sounds bad* had sway over a decision like that.

Dad is in for aggravated assault, robbery, attempted assault. Mom is in for possession (meth) aggravated assault.

Even if they are in jail the state has to accommodate requests like this.

Really sorry to hear all that...
Hopefully that doesn't put you off from trying again...

We're going to keep at it. We are just going on a vacation and don't want to leave 7-14 days after another placement. Stability is king for these kids so we want to be available full time when we get our next placement.

 

[LegendofJoe]

Try again, you and your husband sound like you'd make great parents. There's a kid out there that deserves and needs the both of you.

 

[Seik]

Try again and don't give up, OP!

 

[AtomskEater]

If the family friend could take care of the kid, why didn't they volunteer before? Sorry you had to go through that, OP, I hope you try again, a lot of kids are in needs of stable homes.

 

[QisTopTier]

Dad is in for aggravated assault, robbery, attempted assault. Mom is in for possession (meth) aggravated assault.

Even if they are in jail the state has to accommodate requests like.

GREAT bet that friend is a wonderful person too. Stupid ass court systems

 

[Linkura]

Motherfuckers. Shitty parents who are in jail shouldn't have a say as long as the foster home is vetted and safe like yours was.

 

[Earthbound64]

We're going to keep at it. We are just going on a vacation and don't want to leave 7-14 days after another placement. Stability is king for these kids so we want to be available full time when we get our next placement.

It's great that you sound really dedicated to this. I know it's not easy now, but you're doing a great thing.

 

[Glass Rebel]

Hey OP, you and your husband sound like amazing people and it‘s incredibly brave and of the both of you to choose this path knowing what hardships await you. I hope you don‘t give up and get a chance to give a loving home to a child in need.

 

[Kyzer]

Sorry OP, that's so dumb and ignorant, you would have given a happy home to a child in need

 

[Username1198]

Dad is in for aggravated assault, robbery, attempted assault. Mom is in for possession (meth) aggravated assault.

Even if they are in jail the state has to accommodate requests like this.

Wow I don’t even know what to say.

That poor kid. His parents obviously don’t give a shit about their kid, or they wouldn’t be in jail. And here we have a loving couple willing to take care of someone’s else’s kid, and the shitty parents stop the poor kid from having a loving couple take care of him.

It makes complete sense in today’s shitty America. OP, sorry for your heartbreak. I’m glad theirs people out their like you and our husband. I hope you are able to soon adopt and love the hell outta the kid. I hope that kids ok and his parents get their shit together.

 

[ladyluthien]

We're going to keep at it. We are just going on a vacation and don't want to leave 7-14 days after another placement. Stability is king for these kids so we want to be available full time when we get our next placement.

I am so glad you and your husband will try again. The next little one will be so blessed to have dedicated parents like you to love them and give them a home.

 

[metalslimer]

Keep at it. It sounds like the next kid will be lucky to have you

 

[Vagabundo]

Growing up my family fostered over a hundred kids. Three of them stayed until their twenties - two are still living with my mam. Fostering can be heartbreaking though, there were times when kids were with us for years and then went back to their biological family. Overall the experience was brilliant, but it is not adopting.

You are there for these children when they really really need someone to care for them. You may only get a week or they could stay forever but you won't know and you may need to let them go.

I still remember, and think about, some of the kids that came to us.

 

[Serick]

I hope that kids ok and his parents get their shit together.

This is the biggest concern we have right now, and I've made our concerns heard with DCFS.

Without going into too many details he was basically put with a single woman who lives in very close proximity (front doors are in eye sight of each other) to the home he was taken out of.

She also made the comment "a lot of people are going to be very excited to see you" making it sound like she would be allowing contact between him and said home that he was removed from.

This is probably definitely the part that hurts the most.

 

[wamberz1]

God stories like these make me angry.
Some of the best people I've ever known were raised in non nuclear families.

 

[ladyluthien]

This is the biggest concern we have right now, and I've made our concerns heard with DCFS.

Without going into too many details he was basically put with a single woman who lives in very close proximity (front doors are in eye sight of each other) to the home he was taken out of.

She also made the comment "a lot of people are going to be very excited to see you" making it sound like she would be allowing contact between him and said home that he was removed from.

This is probably the part that hurts the most.

Damn, that's a real shame

 

[Pai Pai Master]

Because a friend of two criminals sounds like a great option over two very loving foster parents. I'm sorry OP. I hope you continue to try to do the right thing and give a child in need a home where they will be properly cared for and loved. The system failed both of you and the kid.

 

[LegendofJoe]

Damn, that's a real shame

It's also typical unfortunately. The laws regarding parental rights are far too lenient.

 

[TheFurizzlyBear]

Damn, that fucking sucks. I feel bad for you and worse for the kid cus I bet you would of been great parents

 

[Travo]

It baffles me that the incarcerated parent has any say so.

 

[Username1198]

Excuse my ignorance, but why wasn’t they friend the first option for the child? It’s kinda odd the parents didn’t send the kid to the friend until after you adopted him. Just curious.

It baffles me that the incarcerated parent has any say so.

Right? Like after the kid is in the states hands, the state should have the final say where the kid goes, not a tucking meth head and a violent thief. Probably felons btw.

 

[Sho_Nuff82]

"You know kids I was just going to let you grow up on the other side of town and never see you again, but I adopted you as a favor to your parents so you wouldn't catch the gay."

Sounds reasonable.

 

[Serick]

Excuse my ignorance, but why wasn’t they friend the first option for the child? It’s kinda odd the parents didn’t send the kid to the friend until after you adopted him. Just curious.



Right? Like after the kid is in the states hands, the state should have he final say where the kid goes, not a tucking meth head and a violent thief.

We did not adopt yet. We were his first placement after being removed from another family friends home. I can’t say why he was removed because it would violate privacy but he was staying with family friends prior to child protective services getting involved.

 

[Keri]

Excuse my ignorance, but why wasn’t they friend the first option for the child? It’s kinda odd the parents didn’t send the kid to the friend until after you adopted him. Just curious.

It sounds like the friend didn't volunteer until after they knew where the child was placed. It's especially sad, because it sounds like the friend either didn't want the child at first or isn't really sure she can care for him.

I'm really sorry, OP. Fostering is really noble and also really hard. I don't think I'd ever have the strength for it.

 

[Username1198]

We did not adopt yet. We were his first placement after being removed from another family friends home. I can’t say why he was removed because it would violate privacy but he was staying with family friends prior to child protective services getting involved.

I see. Man what a terrible situation all around. I really hope things work out for you, and the kid. Just heartbreaking...

 

[Serick]

It sounds like the friend didn't volunteer until after they knew where the child was placed. It's especially sad, because it sounds like the friend either didn't want the child at first or isn't really sure she can care for him.

I'm really sorry, OP. Fostering is really noble and also really hard. I don't think I'd ever have the strength for it.

That’s exactly what happened. The person who took him was the person who reported his situation to Child Protective Services to begin with. When she was working with the DCFS investigator she said no to being a placement option through the entire process until the day she saw he was with the gays.

 

[Keri]

That’s exactly what happened. The person who took him was the person who reported his situation to Child Protective Services to begin with. When she was working with the DCFS investigator she said no to being a placement option through the entire process until the day she saw he was with the gays.

It doesn't make sense to begin with, but it's especially ridiculous for someone who is friends with violent meth heads to judge gay people.

The only good news is that, if she was the one who initially reported the child's situation to DCFS, then she must care about his well being. Hopefully, if she isn't able to care for him properly, she let's DCFS know and gives him the chance at another, better, placement.

 

[Drencrom]

Wow I don’t even know what to say.

That poor kid. His parents obviously don’t give a shit about their kid, or they wouldn’t be in jail. And here we have a loving couple willing to take care of someone’s else’s kid, and the shitty parents stop the poor kid from having a loving couple take care of him.

It makes complete sense in today’s shitty America. OP, sorry for your heartbreak. I’m glad theirs people out their like you and our husband. I hope you are able to soon adopt and love the hell outta the kid. I hope that kids ok and his parents get their shit together.

This is what really gets me, it’s like the parents want their child to be miserable...

 

[NHarmonic.]

God this is so heartbreaking. Pretty sure you'd have been an awesome family for the kid...

Fuck homophobes, and everyone who's complicit with them.

 

[theaface]

There's a lot of bad in the world. Keep being a force for good. Sooner or later a child will come along and their life will be made immeasurably better by what you and your husband do for them. You've every right to feel hurt and upset, but keep going regardless. A child out there deserves you and you deserve them.

 

[Serick]

Thanks for all the kind words everyone.

 

[HarryKS]

So, hypothetically, how does it work when or if the parents come out of jail? Would you mind telling us more about that 12 month stint you mentioned?

 

[Serick]

So, hypothetically, how does it work when or if the parents come out of jail? Would you mind telling us more about that 12 month stint you mentioned?

Sure.

When a child is removed from their home by the state the parents have 12 months meet criteria tailored to their situation in order to get their child back. Some examples could be being sober for 12 months if they were abusing drugs, holding a steady job, among many other things. This is of course assuming it's not sexual abuse in which case the state moves to terminate parental rights immediately.

If the child's parents do not meet the requirements after the 12 month period, and there is no kinship available for adoption the foster parents are often given the opportunity to move forward with adopting their foster child permanently.

Usually if a child is with you upwards of 45 days there is no kin.

 

[turmoil]

It's a fucked up system if some shitty parents' wishes are more important that best interest of the kid.

I'm sorry OP, stay strong.

 

[B-B-Bomba!]

It's a good thing you're trying to do. I hope you can keep trying.

 

[Isotropy]

That's such a horrible sliding-doors moment for the child.

He could have had a loving upbringing and all the success that brings, now he's at the mercy of whatever human garbage his parents associate with.

 

[gnomed]

Sorry to hear what happened. The world needs more folks like you and your husband.