Long story incoming;
Growing up, my brother (who is 10 years old then me) had a friend, so by association he was always my friend as well since he was always around. It wasn't until I hit adulthood, and my bro was ready to accept me as a peer, that we actually all hung out together. His friend and I got along real well, having the same stupid sense of humor and all. We hung out every weekend, going bowling, playing golf, grabbing a bite and a few drinks, goofing off about nothing in particular. He had grown into a good friend of mine and I genuinely enjoyed his company.
Fast forward about 10 years, he just...changed. He became hypersensitive to everything and everyone. He demanded to be coddled, and being that I'm not the coddling type, he started seeing me as his enemy. Every day in our group messages, it would be some hateful venom he would spew my way - I'm no good, I don't care about anyone or anything, etc. I stuck with it, and we all still hung out but he and I were clearly not getting along and he would make each night hanging out miserable for everyone.
One time, he had a health scare and called another friend in a panic. We all dropped what we were doing to be with him and he was in hysterics over something irrational. We offered all the kind words we could. I thought I had reached him at one point and tried to give him a hug, and he pushed me away, while accepting the others.
His demeanor completely changed and he basically wore it on his face. It was a permanent scowl. When he wasn't angry, he was depressed. Every life issue was an insurmountable hill to climb. He was clearly facing mental health issues, but I felt he was beyond reproach and there was nothing I could do to make amends or offer help.
A short while after that, with more and more hate sent my way, I told my brother I had had enough, and I wanted nothing to do with our friend anymore. I cut off all contact and wouldn't hang out when he was around. I thought about letting him know directly, but I was sure it would just be met with anger and nastiness, so why bother? In my head, all I could think was, fuck that guy.
It's been about 5 months now since he committed suicide. The feelings of guilt, confusion and this profound sadness were overwhelming. It had been a long while since I had been hit with a wave of emotion like that, but I broke down in tears when I got the news and had to excuse myself more than once at his funeral service to be alone with my feelings. I'm admittedly not great at handling these things.
I couldn't escape the feeling that there was more I could have done, that I didn't handle it the best way I could, knowing he was so troubled. I still can't escape those feelings. I think about telling him I'm sorry when he shows up in my dreams - but in those dreams, all I see is the guy I remember in my younger days, and his smiling face and end up getting lost in those moments instead.
