So, on account of the recent release of Spiderman: Homecoming, over the last few weeks I've been having myself a hankering for all things Spider-Man....so like any self-respecting adult who wears a t-shirt that says ”Genius At Work" who wastes his time watching children's cartoon shows, I recently decided to sit down and finally check out a little-known Spider-Man animated series from the late 90s called Spider-Man Unlimited.
If you haven't heard of the show (and honestly, if you haven't, I can't say I blame you...the show wasn't on the air for very long) Spider-Man Unlimited was essentially this utterly bat-shit science fiction cartoon, that for some ungodly reason the people in charge decided to have revolve around the character of Spider-Man. And frankly, having spent the last few days watching this show from beginning to end for the very first time...after several days of careful and meticulous study, I have managed to come to one very simple conclusion regarding this particular series...
People, this show was fucking nuts.
Let me give you the low-down here: the story of Spiderman: Unlimited essentially kicks off when Planet Earth ends up discovering a nearby planet almost identical to our own within our own solar system, which mankind later imaginatively dubs Counter-Earth. As a result, like, NASA or whoever, send astronaut John Jameson (son of Bugle Editor JJ, also known as that poor guy who Mary-Jane jilted at the altar in an unnecessarily humiliating fashion in Spider-Man 2) out into space to investigate this strange new planet. Several weeks later, after finally making it to Counter-Earth, Jameson later sends out a garbled message back home where he's all like ”Bois, I ain't gonna lie...things are really fucked up here on this weird-ass planet you've sent me to. Shit is crazy, pls send help". And Spider-Man (who happens to be watching all this at home on TV) is all like "Damn, that dude is in trouble! Fuck the Guardians of the Galaxy or the Fantastic Four or any other infinitely better prepared space-faring Marvel heroes who are much better equipped to handle this kind of thing...I'm Spider-Man, I can walk on walls motherfucker, I'd better go up into space all on my lonesome to help this guy out!"
So naturally, a few months later, Spider-Man steals a brand new, ultra high-tech Spider-Man outfit from Mr. Fantastic and hijacks a multi-million dollar space-shuttle (because fuck you, he's Spider-Man), piloting the ship across the solar system before eventually reaching Counter-Earth, where his ship inevitably crash-lands in a flaming heap. Great job there Spidey, you just totally fucked over NASA. That rocket probably took hundreds of people years to build, you selfish fuck. You couldn't have just asked the Silver Surfer to give you a lift? Maybe Jonah was right about you all along, you public menace.
Having now arrived on this strange new Counter-Earth, Spider-Man finds himself in an alternate version New York City that's vastly different from the one he left behind. For instance, this version of New York is now being ruled by some deranged dictator called The High Evolutionary, who's basically some bat-shit insane old dude who just seems to love wearing hilariously impractical bad guy outfits. The High Evolutionary also some deranged, utterly inexplicable obsession with turning animals into people and people into animals, having filled New York with humanoid talking animal creatures called Beastials, a new "socially superior" species who regard human beings as the subservient species, forcing the humans to live in poverty and destitution. All in all, Counter-Earth is a bit like the ending to Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes reboot, only this time with Mark Wahlberg replaced with Peter Parker, and all the talking apes replaced with talking zebras in t-shirts listening to walkmans, and weird-ass fish women buying designer handbags in Times Square and all kinds of crazy shit.
And Peter is all like ”Stop this world, I want to get off".
Now this is where shit gets really hardcore. See these motherfuckers? Well, take a good long look...because these ice-cold-killers are called the KNIGHTS OF WONDAGORE and in this world, you sure as hell aren't going to want to forget their faces. The Knights are basically the High Evolutionary's most loyal enforcers, a group of amphromorphic talking animals who dress and talk like medieval knights from the middle-ages. Yes, you read that right. The Knights also get around the city by flying around on robotic hover-horses, because damn, when these guys decide to go with a medieval knight theme....they really go all out. On Counter-Earth...if you ever see the Knights coming after you, you just know your number's up, so you better watch your ass. Let me give you a quick run-down of the Wondagore crew:
See this tiger? He goes by the name of SIR TYGER. He's the leader of the Knights of Wondagore. Oh yeah, you better believe it. Within the back-story of the show, we learn The High Evolutionary literally just found himself a normal tiger before transforming it into a bas-ass bipedal, sword-carrying medieval knight....because that's just how the High Evolutionary rolls, apparently. Funnily enough, Sir Tyger is actually the most noble of the group...having long since grown disillusioned with the High Evolutionary's increasingly violent tactics when it's come to his oppression of the humans of Counter-Earth. Let me tell you people, Shakespeare wishes he created a character this good.
See this ram? He goes by the name of SIR RAM. He's the High Evolutionary's top scientist. Goddamn people, let me tell you, you don't want to mess with this crazy-ass cowboy....he's all into all manner of fucked-up, Frankensteinesque science experiments. He's one of those evil scientists who loves tying people to gurneys and just sort of generally cackling whilst injecting you with increasingly vague serums that'll turn you into giant cockroach or some shit. Why? Because he's Sir Ram, motherfucker, he can do as he pleases!
See this rat lady? That's LADY VERMIN. She's an extremely horny 6-foot tall rat-creature voiced by Jennifer Hale. She's also got something of a thing for Spider-Man, by which she means she's positively obsessed with jumping Spidey's bones every chance she gets. But while Vermin definitely has the hots for our hero, Spider-Man's having absolutely none of it...he initially tries to nip that shit in the bud real quick, let me tell you...but from time to time, the dude isn't always successful.
As the final member of the Knights of Wondagore...there's also a bear with a Russian accent. I have nothing more to say about this.
So essentially, the plot of the show revolves around Spider-Man finding himself stranded on this utterly surreal Counter-Earth with absolutely no means of getting home. He's a stranger in a strange land, a superhero essentially ripped from his own franchise and placed in an utterly bizarre, Kilgore Trout-esque science fiction story. Evidently now stuck on this bizarre new planet for the long haul, Spider-Man has to learn to ingratiate himself into Counter-Earth society...finding himself a job at a local newspaper as Peter Parker and moving in with a single mother and her young son, who he quickly strikes up something of a meaningful relationship with. Peter also soon encounters a human resistance group, now led by John Jameson, who's refusing to leave the planet until he and Spider-Man can help the humans of this world throw off the shackles of their Bestial oppressors once and for all...leading to Spider-Man regularly pulling off missions for the resistance as a means of helping them fight back against The High Evolutionary.
Still not convinced about this show? Here are some plot descriptions for a handful of the episodes:
Episode 4: Spider-Man encounters a resistance member who's body seems to be composed entirely of bandages on account of Sir Ram's crazy experiments. Why is the dude made entirely of bandages? For what purpose? To hell with you, it's not important! The man was made of bandages, so what, the people in charge of this show probably thought he'd make a great toy, let's move on.
Episode 7: Spider-Man helps out a giant talking caterpillar and her gang of bohemian animal friends by blowing up one of Sir Ram's laboratories. Also in this episode, two young horses go on the run from some robots.
Episode 6: Spider-Man gets hunted down by an alternate version of Kraven the Hunter, a futuristic bounty hunter who lives in a crazy-ass labyrinthine castle from on high and regularly injects himself with animal DNA. Did I mention this show has a tradition of reimagining some of Spider-Man's greatest enemies? Oh yeah! For instance, on Counter-Earth, the Electro of this show is a giant talking eel. Because electricity, or something!
So anyway, that's basically the show. It's like the most 80s cartoon that happened to get made in the late 90. True to form, the show naturally ends on an absolutely massive cliff-hanger...which of course never got resolved on account of the show getting yanked abruptly off the air, most likely on account of most average Spider-Man fans being absolutely appalled that the show had almost next to nothing to do with Spider-Man outside of the character himself.
All in all though, having spent the last couple of days marathoning through Spiderman Unlimited, I feel strangely sad to have reached the end of the story. There's something so brazenly ambitious and unapologetically outlandish about the show's central concept (take Spider-Man out of his own franchise and place him in some crazy, totally alien science fiction world), you just can't help but salute it. By the time I eventually got to the final episode, I couldn't help but discover myself feeling strangely attached to Unlimited utterly deranged universe and its crazy cast of characters....so much so, I kind of feel sad the show never got a second season. Still, it was definitely fun while it lasted.
God speed, Spiderman Unlimited. May flights of animal knights riding robotic horses sing thee to thy rest.
If you haven't heard of the show (and honestly, if you haven't, I can't say I blame you...the show wasn't on the air for very long) Spider-Man Unlimited was essentially this utterly bat-shit science fiction cartoon, that for some ungodly reason the people in charge decided to have revolve around the character of Spider-Man. And frankly, having spent the last few days watching this show from beginning to end for the very first time...after several days of careful and meticulous study, I have managed to come to one very simple conclusion regarding this particular series...
People, this show was fucking nuts.
Let me give you the low-down here: the story of Spiderman: Unlimited essentially kicks off when Planet Earth ends up discovering a nearby planet almost identical to our own within our own solar system, which mankind later imaginatively dubs Counter-Earth. As a result, like, NASA or whoever, send astronaut John Jameson (son of Bugle Editor JJ, also known as that poor guy who Mary-Jane jilted at the altar in an unnecessarily humiliating fashion in Spider-Man 2) out into space to investigate this strange new planet. Several weeks later, after finally making it to Counter-Earth, Jameson later sends out a garbled message back home where he's all like ”Bois, I ain't gonna lie...things are really fucked up here on this weird-ass planet you've sent me to. Shit is crazy, pls send help". And Spider-Man (who happens to be watching all this at home on TV) is all like "Damn, that dude is in trouble! Fuck the Guardians of the Galaxy or the Fantastic Four or any other infinitely better prepared space-faring Marvel heroes who are much better equipped to handle this kind of thing...I'm Spider-Man, I can walk on walls motherfucker, I'd better go up into space all on my lonesome to help this guy out!"
So naturally, a few months later, Spider-Man steals a brand new, ultra high-tech Spider-Man outfit from Mr. Fantastic and hijacks a multi-million dollar space-shuttle (because fuck you, he's Spider-Man), piloting the ship across the solar system before eventually reaching Counter-Earth, where his ship inevitably crash-lands in a flaming heap. Great job there Spidey, you just totally fucked over NASA. That rocket probably took hundreds of people years to build, you selfish fuck. You couldn't have just asked the Silver Surfer to give you a lift? Maybe Jonah was right about you all along, you public menace.
Having now arrived on this strange new Counter-Earth, Spider-Man finds himself in an alternate version New York City that's vastly different from the one he left behind. For instance, this version of New York is now being ruled by some deranged dictator called The High Evolutionary, who's basically some bat-shit insane old dude who just seems to love wearing hilariously impractical bad guy outfits. The High Evolutionary also some deranged, utterly inexplicable obsession with turning animals into people and people into animals, having filled New York with humanoid talking animal creatures called Beastials, a new "socially superior" species who regard human beings as the subservient species, forcing the humans to live in poverty and destitution. All in all, Counter-Earth is a bit like the ending to Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes reboot, only this time with Mark Wahlberg replaced with Peter Parker, and all the talking apes replaced with talking zebras in t-shirts listening to walkmans, and weird-ass fish women buying designer handbags in Times Square and all kinds of crazy shit.
And Peter is all like ”Stop this world, I want to get off".
Now this is where shit gets really hardcore. See these motherfuckers? Well, take a good long look...because these ice-cold-killers are called the KNIGHTS OF WONDAGORE and in this world, you sure as hell aren't going to want to forget their faces. The Knights are basically the High Evolutionary's most loyal enforcers, a group of amphromorphic talking animals who dress and talk like medieval knights from the middle-ages. Yes, you read that right. The Knights also get around the city by flying around on robotic hover-horses, because damn, when these guys decide to go with a medieval knight theme....they really go all out. On Counter-Earth...if you ever see the Knights coming after you, you just know your number's up, so you better watch your ass. Let me give you a quick run-down of the Wondagore crew:
See this tiger? He goes by the name of SIR TYGER. He's the leader of the Knights of Wondagore. Oh yeah, you better believe it. Within the back-story of the show, we learn The High Evolutionary literally just found himself a normal tiger before transforming it into a bas-ass bipedal, sword-carrying medieval knight....because that's just how the High Evolutionary rolls, apparently. Funnily enough, Sir Tyger is actually the most noble of the group...having long since grown disillusioned with the High Evolutionary's increasingly violent tactics when it's come to his oppression of the humans of Counter-Earth. Let me tell you people, Shakespeare wishes he created a character this good.
See this ram? He goes by the name of SIR RAM. He's the High Evolutionary's top scientist. Goddamn people, let me tell you, you don't want to mess with this crazy-ass cowboy....he's all into all manner of fucked-up, Frankensteinesque science experiments. He's one of those evil scientists who loves tying people to gurneys and just sort of generally cackling whilst injecting you with increasingly vague serums that'll turn you into giant cockroach or some shit. Why? Because he's Sir Ram, motherfucker, he can do as he pleases!
See this rat lady? That's LADY VERMIN. She's an extremely horny 6-foot tall rat-creature voiced by Jennifer Hale. She's also got something of a thing for Spider-Man, by which she means she's positively obsessed with jumping Spidey's bones every chance she gets. But while Vermin definitely has the hots for our hero, Spider-Man's having absolutely none of it...he initially tries to nip that shit in the bud real quick, let me tell you...but from time to time, the dude isn't always successful.
As the final member of the Knights of Wondagore...there's also a bear with a Russian accent. I have nothing more to say about this.
So essentially, the plot of the show revolves around Spider-Man finding himself stranded on this utterly surreal Counter-Earth with absolutely no means of getting home. He's a stranger in a strange land, a superhero essentially ripped from his own franchise and placed in an utterly bizarre, Kilgore Trout-esque science fiction story. Evidently now stuck on this bizarre new planet for the long haul, Spider-Man has to learn to ingratiate himself into Counter-Earth society...finding himself a job at a local newspaper as Peter Parker and moving in with a single mother and her young son, who he quickly strikes up something of a meaningful relationship with. Peter also soon encounters a human resistance group, now led by John Jameson, who's refusing to leave the planet until he and Spider-Man can help the humans of this world throw off the shackles of their Bestial oppressors once and for all...leading to Spider-Man regularly pulling off missions for the resistance as a means of helping them fight back against The High Evolutionary.
Still not convinced about this show? Here are some plot descriptions for a handful of the episodes:
Episode 4: Spider-Man encounters a resistance member who's body seems to be composed entirely of bandages on account of Sir Ram's crazy experiments. Why is the dude made entirely of bandages? For what purpose? To hell with you, it's not important! The man was made of bandages, so what, the people in charge of this show probably thought he'd make a great toy, let's move on.
Episode 7: Spider-Man helps out a giant talking caterpillar and her gang of bohemian animal friends by blowing up one of Sir Ram's laboratories. Also in this episode, two young horses go on the run from some robots.
Episode 6: Spider-Man gets hunted down by an alternate version of Kraven the Hunter, a futuristic bounty hunter who lives in a crazy-ass labyrinthine castle from on high and regularly injects himself with animal DNA. Did I mention this show has a tradition of reimagining some of Spider-Man's greatest enemies? Oh yeah! For instance, on Counter-Earth, the Electro of this show is a giant talking eel. Because electricity, or something!
So anyway, that's basically the show. It's like the most 80s cartoon that happened to get made in the late 90. True to form, the show naturally ends on an absolutely massive cliff-hanger...which of course never got resolved on account of the show getting yanked abruptly off the air, most likely on account of most average Spider-Man fans being absolutely appalled that the show had almost next to nothing to do with Spider-Man outside of the character himself.
All in all though, having spent the last couple of days marathoning through Spiderman Unlimited, I feel strangely sad to have reached the end of the story. There's something so brazenly ambitious and unapologetically outlandish about the show's central concept (take Spider-Man out of his own franchise and place him in some crazy, totally alien science fiction world), you just can't help but salute it. By the time I eventually got to the final episode, I couldn't help but discover myself feeling strangely attached to Unlimited utterly deranged universe and its crazy cast of characters....so much so, I kind of feel sad the show never got a second season. Still, it was definitely fun while it lasted.
God speed, Spiderman Unlimited. May flights of animal knights riding robotic horses sing thee to thy rest.
