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[Shanadeus]

dammit, I was at my new job sitting down with three semi-hot girls at a table and I didn't even say anything. :/ fml. I had nothing to say. They were talking about a movie that out that I never even heard of.

Just imagine you're on gaf and it's a thread about some new movie.

What would you say?

Saw this girl at the local PC retailer today. My brother who was with me said she was looking at me throughout, which is strange because I didn't catch her eye whilst I was looking at her - although I did occasional play it cool and stare at some machines in between intervals. Had that feeling of annoyance when walking away, but I'm going back tomorrow to get her name and have a conversation with her. Haven't decided yet on whether to make it seem like I'm interested in buying something or just tell her that I came back for her. I found out that my sister knows her and literally had to beg her for 4 hours to tell me something about her.

Sounds good, you're taking an initiative!

I was here for a while but i couldnt see her anywhere. I finally decide to walk out and, low and behold, she is there at the exit and walks right by me with her usual smile. Im caught off guard and she was literally in my face and almost walked into her. I sit down at the couch beside the door and after composing myself, get up and walk to find her in the store again. Cant see her. Wtf. Walk a few more circles and she is there, but damn, she is with a group of colleagues. So i walk around again to find her alone later. I need a minute alone with her. Now, she is on the phone. Ugh. Shoot me. I pretend I'm headed somewhere else and by now is probably thinking I'm acting strange. Not good. And yet, i'm still here. i can't leave without doing this.

Good, you're persistent about this and hopefully it'll pay off.

Well, I did it

Good.
It might not have turned out well this time but you took an initiative and followed your gut instinct. Next time you might be able to do this a lot sooner, and hopefully avoid the pit falls that might have resulted in this one person not exhibiting a positive response. I'm pretty sure that if you had talked with her the first time you were around, then it'd ended up a lot more favorable.

 

[Joel Was Right]

"I told her the truth" sounds so very very weird/creepy/wrong.

I can't remember every single word I said. I remember wanting to ask her name, but I noticed it on her badge. I introduced myself and said that I saw her yesterday and I couldn't really approach her in this way because she was dealing with my mother "this may sound strange or awkward..but I'd love to get to know you".

Probably lasted 10 seconds, my mini speech. I could have said it a lot better, but honestly the sum of it (what I was trying to say) would have been the same and I don't know how different it would have been. The entire thing was a little awkward for both of us. Her expression and mannerisms as I was saying this didn't help the confidence, so it fell flat near the end as I knew the answer before I even finished what I was going to say.

I'm pretty sure that if you had talked with her the first time you were around, then it'd ended up a lot more favorable.

Oh, it would have gone alot better although I dont know if her response would have been positive. The longer I waited the more I found myself practising in my mind, or acting weird. Just sucks bad that I couldn't get her number.

 

[Klyka]

That actually doesn't sound all that bad. You told her you would like to get to know her. That's not even creepy or anything.

Good going then!

 

[Joel Was Right]

That actually doesn't sound all that bad. You told her you would like to get to know her. That's not even creepy or anything.

Good going then!

If this had been on a park bench I would have been very confident of getting her number at the end of our exchange, as our conversation would have lasted several minutes at the very least. Because at least then you can learn a few things about one another, maybe share a few interests or invite them somewhere. There is little chance someone is going to do that, or be warm to it, if she doesn't even know you and you're approaching her at work. My only hope was that she was attracted to me enough to give me a chance.

 

[CharlieDigital]

Good job on getting over the hump!

That said, there's an important lesson to take away from this: don't overanalyze the aftermath. What happened, happened. Stop fantasizing about different scenarios or how you should have done this or that or what could have happened or how it could have worked out. Move on and get ready for the next opportunity.

It's just like in baseball: you can't overthink the last strike; you have to be ready for the next pitch.

 

[ArtG]

Question to the people being hung up about not getting a girl:

Apart from the obvious reason (sex) what exactly do you guys hope/expect to get out of dating a girl? Like,in what way do you think it'll change your life for the better?

This is an extremely fair question. I've been thinking about it a lot, actually. I couldn't even give you an answer. Part sex, part "society says so", but a whole lot of "I don't actually know, really."

 

[Freeza Under The Shower]

I should have fucking known this would be yet another girl thread before I clicked on it.

 

[Ovid]

Perfect.

 

[CharlieDigital]

This is an extremely fair question. I've been thinking about it a lot, actually. I couldn't even give you an answer. Part sex, part "society says so", but a whole lot of "I don't actually know, really."

The correct answer is that you're genetically programmed to do so.

 

[Evolved1]

What happened was that she was behind this screen. People around but I stood and turned, walked to her and met her with a smile. She gave a polite one back, and I lost my train of thought. I swore I repeated a word or twice..eventually I stopped, and remember saying "this was a lot easier in front of a mirror". She wasn't smiling beyond her initial one, and was sort of staring at the screen. "I know, this is a little strange..maybe awkward"..and she said "..yea..its strange", sounding confused whilst she again looked at the screen to avoid eye contact. She was then gesturing between her and me, suggesting it wasn't personal etc. I could tell she was uncomfortable and then I knew it was a no but I didn't know how to end this conversation. .

You cannot say things like this.

You can never say things like this.

 

[Klyka]

At least he's kinda got the approach down. Just be honest and say "Yo,I want to get to know you." She either says yes or no. No bullshit,no stupid games.

If you keep going like that and just stay confident you'll eventually find a girl who says "yes"!

 

[Ovid]

OP, your self confidence is extremely low. Part of the problem is that you doubt yourself before making a move. Just look at what you wrote as title of this thread. Why do you put yourself down? It seems that you when you analyze the senerio you only think of the worst thing that will happen. Think positive and stop beating negativity into your mind.

 

[Tom Penny]

See, the problem is that you think that it actually matters.

It's not like baseball where you get 3 strikes and you're out. There's an endless supply of girls to get your game on with. You can strike out as many times as you need to. You're not going to hit a home run every time. Get up to bat, you'll whiff a few times, you'll hit a couple of foul balls, and once in a while, you may even get a base hit. If you're lucky, you hit a home run.

But the way you're going now, you're not even getting up to the plate because you're scared of getting a strike. You miss 100% of the shots you never take.

That is the truest of statements and one that me an my friends always went by.

 

[notsol337]

You just gotta do it man!

 

[Kuran]

OP, your self confidence is extremely low. Part of the problem is that you doubt yourself before making a move. Just look at what you wrote as title of this thread. Why do you put yourself down? It seems that you when you analyze the senerio you only think of the worst thing that will happen. Think positive and stop beating negativity into your mind.

This. Just be confident that a girl like that WOULD WANT to hang out with you, or get to know you more. Law of attraction...

Anyway, since the HPV thread, I don't think I am down for sex any more..

 

[ianp622]

Question to the people being hung up about not getting a girl:

Apart from the obvious reason (sex) what exactly do you guys hope/expect to get out of dating a girl? Like,in what way do you think it'll change your life for the better?

I would like a deep friendship with someone with the added aspect of physical closeness (not necessarily sex).

It's not that I'm lonely, because I almost always have a group of good friends to be with, but I want someone who can stay with me even when I'm not always being fun, witty, and entertaining. I also want to live through the trials and joys of another person, which is only possible to a lesser extent with friends.

Is it going to make my life "better"? I'm not sure about that. But I think I would enjoy it.

 

[Shanadeus]

At least he's kinda got the approach down. Just be honest and say "Yo,I want to get to know you." She either says yes or no. No bullshit,no stupid games.

If you keep going like that and just stay confident you'll eventually find a girl who says "yes"!

Exactly, he didn't play any games or memorize some "clever" ways of talking to her.
He was down to earth and honest with his intentions, and if she didn't like it then so be it - it wasn't meant to be then.

 

[Thunder Monkey]

The correct answer is that you're genetically programmed to do so.

Which is why I won't.

Not that I can't. If I wanted to just nut that'd be fucking easy as hell. It comes off as crazy every time I say it to other people, but I control me, I've never let my libido control me... okay I use to let my libido control me. :lol

I will hit enlightenment before I let my penis control my brain again. I'm either almost there, or becoming schizophrenic. It gets lonely at times. I usually beat the shit out of it until it's limp and useless.

It's very easy to get women naked though. A little bit of confidence goes a long way.

 

[Rubenov]

I was thinking about it in on the bus home. I ended up being really nervous when talking to her, and I think it showed, but ironically I wasn't nervous the first time I saw her. I went there knowing she was on shift during those hours, and I expected to walk in and walk out within 5 minutes. In reality I was there for almost an hour. As I waited her for originally to show up, it sort of killed my momentum. And then constantly breaks in rhythm with her disappearances and her preoccupations with other customers. Each time I had a bad vibe and walked out. But that's what I've been doing all my life and each time I walked back after composing myself. I was more determined than ever to actually ask her - or in my mind, do something you've never done before. And in hindsight I suppose that's my comforting thought, that I couldn't maybe expect much more.

What happened was that she was behind this screen. People around but I stood and turned, walked to her and met her with a smile. She gave a polite one back, and I lost my train of thought. I swore I repeated a word or twice..eventually I stopped, and remember saying "this was a lot easier in front of a mirror". She wasn't smiling beyond her initial one, and was sort of staring at the screen. "I know, this is a little strange..maybe awkward"..and she said "..yea..its strange", sounding confused whilst she again looked at the screen to avoid eye contact. She was then gesturing between her and me, suggesting it wasn't personal etc. I could tell she was uncomfortable and then I knew it was a no but I didn't know how to end this conversation. She looked at me, and said she knew my family, as if to imply that was the reason this felt awkward for her but the lack of eye contact, lack of words and her smile abandoning her suggested her denial was more related to me than anything. She looked at me once more and said "..but thanks" in a tone of a voice designed to soften the impact and smiled.

What did I say to her originally?

I told her the truth. That was the only thing I could have said - I was a consumer and she was an employee there to sell me things, and I wasn't going to ask her about another cooker after my mum and I yesterday bought one off her. She recognised me when I walked towards her, and I said hi.."you met my mother yesterday, and her taste in cookers..but I'm not here for that. I actually came here for you" and then went on to say why that was etc. I had nothing planned, no lines, I just opened my mouth and I guess that frankness caught her off guard. I don't really regret it - the only way it would have happened was if she was attracted to me. Maybe if she was outside her workplace, we could have had a normal conversation. I'm kind of down about it because she was really nice.

Now, I have to avoid that place like a plague. I wonder what she thought as I walked away, or if she looked at me as I headed to the exit.

All right Meus, I'm by no means an expert, but you made a few key missteps and I'd outline them out for you

- You "hovered" around the area for far too long, if she noticed you waiting and thinking about approaching her, you have already started off with the wrong foot.

- You made the mistake of going serious on her. You never get serious when talking to girls initially, you have to ease your way in (You could pull it off with a balls-to-the wall approach, but your confidence is not at this level yet). You should have cracked a joke or two, made her comfortable, and perhaps at the end of a quick 2-3 minute light convo said "we should hang out sometime", and ask her for her number. The key word is "light" conversation, when you started saying "how you felt" then that's going to creep any woman out.

- Don't over think stuff.... it will doom you.

 

[SamuraiX-]

Dude, Menus. I'm not even kidding here. Be yourself. That definitely wasn't you during that conversation.

Don't make it scripted, man. Don't ever practice pickup lines. Girls can see right through it. Just let the conversation flow naturally. If you can't think of anything to say, don't force yourself. It doesn't even have to be important. Talk about something relevant to the situation first and then try to move onto learning some things about her. You don't want to be the guy making statements at girls. You want to ask the questions and try to let them do all the talking.

Trust me. I've been exactly where you are now. Just keep trying to engage in casual conversations and eventually you'll have the confidence to let everything flow naturally.

 

[Stridone]

Even though it didn't go that well, your attempt is big enough an achievement. Stepping out of your comfort zone is the first step towards expanding it.

 

[Zod the Bear]

Meus, my girlfriend heard your voice in that XBL message about the Fable 2 download.

She said you sounded cute.

Buck up and keep swinging for the fences.

 

[Reza_Neko]

The correct answer is that you're genetically programmed to do so.

That and movies and books totally reinforce the concept. After one too many Disney movies, you think, "I don't want to be alone".

 

[elwes]

Reading what you posted about how your encounter went, the only thing you did semi-right was the honesty bit. I say "semi" because if you're too honest, it's just...weird. Back when I was a no-self-confidence dude who didn't have the faintest clue about how to approach women, I always did this. It's an incredibly big turn off for women because, despite what alot of women will tell you, the idea of a guy that they don't know very well thinking about them as more than a passing thought is a little creepy. Obviously, any "normal" guy that digs a girl is going to do this, but girls see this as stalkerish. Always, and I mean ALWAYS play your cards close to your chest. If you come right out and let it be known that you're really into them, part of the mystery is off. You have to play it a little aloof at the start, and when you get to know them some more and have gauged that they like you as well, you can be a little more frank with them.

Sort of like if you're good friends with someone and, one day, they walk up to you and tell you something personal. You're not going to be weirded out by this. But if you barely know this person and they do it, it seems strange that someone you barely know is divulging something intimate to you.

Hanging out in her store for an hour might have doomed you some. Unless it's Best Buy or something and there's enough crap to look at and do for an hour, making your presence known for that long, then asking them out ramps up the creep vibe.


The way that I've always looked at the dating scene is this. Women are like you. They're awkward, they stumble over words, they have every single kind of flaw that you will find in a guy. They are not Mt. Everest. You will not lose climbers and Sherpas will not have to carry down people with frostbitten toes at the end of the encounter. For every imperfection you feel that you have, they probably feel the same way, if not worse. Just like guys, they do the best they can to hide those insecurities.

Regarding everything I said above, the best approach is to just say "fuck it" and not give a shit. Ask out someone that is attractive and/or interesting to you. If they reject you, who cares? I was rejected so many times in the past, it didn't even phase me. Each new time, I was a little more confident, a little more smooth, not as nervous.

To reference a game that I'm playing right now, dating is like SMB. You may die 100 times in a level, but every time you attempt it again, you've learned something new. You get a little further. I guarantee you that in a years time of confidence building and throwing caution to the wind, you will look back at this encounter, cringe, then find it funny.



/long post is long

 

[Cosmic Dreams]

Dude, Meus. I'm not even kidding here. Be yourself. That definitely wasn't you during that conversation.

Don't make it scripted, man. Don't ever practice pickup lines. Girls can see right through it. Just let the conversation flow naturally. If you can't think of anything to say, don't force yourself. It doesn't even have to be important. Talk about something relevant to the situation first and then try to move onto learning some things about her. You don't want to be the guy making statements at girls. You want to ask the questions and try to let them do all the talking.

Trust me. I've been exactly where you are now. Just keep trying to engage in casual conversations and eventually you'll have the confidence to let everything flow naturally.

Exactly. Just go for it man.

I'm talking to a really cute girl now at my school that many dudes (including my friends) want to get with - simply because I went up to her unlike everyone else, talked to her, and had been myself ever since.

Just keep working at it when you find a girl attractive and go up there not caring if you pulled off your charm on that particular girl or not.

Good luck to you.

 

[Vard]

I would like a deep friendship with someone with the added aspect of physical closeness (not necessarily sex).

It's not that I'm lonely, because I almost always have a group of good friends to be with, but I want someone who can stay with me even when I'm not always being fun, witty, and entertaining. I also want to live through the trials and joys of another person, which is only possible to a lesser extent with friends.

Is it going to make my life "better"? I'm not sure about that. But I think I would enjoy it.

It is a great question, and I just wanted to say that this is a great response.

 

[riskVSreward]

Never Forget

 

[Reza_Neko]

I would like a deep friendship with someone with the added aspect of physical closeness (not necessarily sex).

It's not that I'm lonely, because I almost always have a group of good friends to be with, but I want someone who can stay with me even when I'm not always being fun, witty, and entertaining. I also want to live through the trials and joys of another person, which is only possible to a lesser extent with friends.

Is it going to make my life "better"? I'm not sure about that. But I think I would enjoy it.

That's beautiful. Reading this made me smile. As a woman, I'm glad that there are some men who are not just looking for sex.

 

[Rubenov]

Exactly. Just go for it man.

He went for it, he just went about it the wrong way. That's okay, at least he did something. As long as he keeps trying, he will get experience and know what works and what doesn't. And then, just like an RPG, he will level up. The key is not to get discouraged and keep learning.

 

[Reza_Neko]

As long as he keeps trying, he will get experience and know what works and what doesn't. And then, just like an RPG, he will level up.

:lol
+2 charisma
+5 intelligence

..etc.

 

[Rubenov]

Never Forget

Ouch, I cringed.

 

[Thunder Monkey]

Ouch, I cringed.

So did I.

Then I laughed. Dude was a master at stalkery.

That's beautiful. Reading this made me smile. As a woman, I'm glad that there are some men who are not just looking for sex.

I could have wrote that too... I just need to level up a few more levels.

*Current Charisma level: Dead fish*

 

[A Human Becoming]

The same situation happened to me sitting in the ER yesterday. I figured it was the ER so I didn't bother.

 

[Thunder Monkey]

The same situation happened to me sitting in the ER yesterday. I figured it was the ER so I didn't bother.

My cousin would have... but honestly he loves to prey on vulnerable women.

 

[yencid]

Thats a good thing for meus. Watch him learn from it.

 

[A Human Becoming]

My cousin would have... but honestly he loves to prey on vulnerable women.

She was alone too.

 

[jon bones]

bravo! you went for it! it went horribly! that's what happens your first dozen tries. it gets easier every single time. did anyone else try to complete their homework?

i want to add my two cents here so that you can hopefully learn from this and grow:

-the overall tone of this post is downbeat, melodramatic and serious. this probably reflects your mood - you should be more lighthearted and try not to take any of this seriously or with any strong emotions. are turned off by heavy handed seriousness with new people.

I went there knowing she was on shift during those hours, and I expected to walk in and walk out within 5 minutes. In reality I was there for almost an hour.

-as others have said, this was killer. you want this to be a strict in/out operation. hangin around gives off weird vibes. you're a busy man, you just noticed this girl and you wanted to say hi before you're off doing awesome things.

I swore I repeated a word or twice..eventually I stopped, and remember saying "this was a lot easier in front of a mirror".

-fucking awful. i don't want you to ever say anything like this ever again. what was the one underlying message we tried to instill here? confidence. this shit sounds meek and no one will ever give you the time of day if you continue to act like this.

What did I say to her originally? I told her the truth. That was the only thing I could have said

-again, too serious here. you could have said a dozen things... you just want to establish a few things:

1) there is something appealing about you and you know it (maybe if she is lucky, she can stick around and find out what it is)

2) light convo, get her number

3) break out

I had nothing planned, no lines, I just opened my mouth and I guess that frankness caught her off guard.

-this is good. no forced/planned lines is a good thing... just keep the tone lighter next time

I'm kind of down about it because she was really nice.

-you have no idea if she's really nice. don't be down about it. she's 1 random girl who you know nothing about.

insert another coin, go for broke

 

[Jedeye Sniv]

If nothing else Meus you've got an awesomely awkward anecdote for amusing friends and putting in a story/screenplay in the future. As I read you post I shrunk down in my chair out of sheer embarrassment.

Not to say what you did was wrong, talking to a girl is a good thing, but as you know you went about it wrong. Just look at it on the funny side, move on and learn from it. And if nothing else you probably gave the girl a big self-esteem boost if she's hot enough to have some dude rambling and freaking out over her, probably made her day :lol

Keep it up dude!

 

[CharlieDigital]

The weird thing is that OP is a fairly good looking dude:

 

[SmokyDave]

It's better to regret something you have done, than to regret something you haven't.

Keep it up, chap.

insert another coin, go for broke

 

[Jedeye Sniv]

oh yeah, OP is a good looking dude. What's your problem man, you should be drowning in clunge. :lol IMO, take that awkwardness and play it off as cute rather than stalkery. Some men are smooth, the rest of us are a little bumbling but my gf finds my social ineptitude endearing, so it does work for some.

 

[CharlieDigital]

oh yeah, OP is a good looking dude. What's your problem man, you should be drowning in clunge. :lol IMO, take that awkwardness and play it off as cute rather than stalkery. Some men are smooth, the rest of us are a little bumbling but my gf finds my social ineptitude endearing, so it does work for some.

I'd shave that tragedy of a beard, though. Maybe just keep a little under the chin.

 

[Agent Ironside]

Its straight though, I have the same issue in a way, I usually cannot bring myself to "talking" to a girl randomly for more than friendship purposes, ive always counted on girls approaching me, but the problem with that, I always seem to attract the "upfront/forward" girls, which personally, I like the shy types, so its really a catch 22. : /

 

[jon bones]

I'd shave that tragedy of a beard, though. Maybe just keep a little under the chin.

i'd shave the whole thing off but that's just me

 

[Uncompromisable]

The weird thing is that OP is a fairly good looking dude:

Looks aren't as helpful for men as they are for women.

 

[The Elite]

Just imagine you're on gaf and it's a thread about some new movie.

What would you say?

It's no Inception.

 

[jon bones]

Looks aren't as helpful for men as they are for women.

agreed 100% but the point is that he's not a fat slob or misshapen mess of a man

once he steps his confidence and social skills up a few notches, knocks down women a few notches, dude will be fine

 

[Uncompromisable]

agreed 100% but the point is that he's not a fat slob or misshapen mess of a man

once he steps his confidence and social skills up a few notches, knocks down women a few notches, dude will be fine

Yeah agreed.

But often times good looks tend to highten expectations but you still end up attracting girls that are mostly below your standards. No matter your looks or level of attractiveness, it's always challenging to find someone that meets your standards and some men (unlike me) hate (don't want to) go out with anyone that's even slightly below what they believe they deserve, so they end up "holding out for misses right" instead of getting a few misses right-nows to get some experience and understand how things work. But even if they did, finding misses right is never very easy.

 

[Darkatomz]

Looks aren't as helpful for men as they are for women.

And yet, it still helps a great deal.

 

[captmcblack]

Looks aren't as helpful for men as they are for women.

Bullshit they aren't.

If you look like some sort of heartthrob, I guarantee you women immediately take notice. I see it in my office all the time when hot salesmen walk through, and you'll see it regularly if you spend more time among more women.

I'm telling you - you've taken care of half of the game when trying to talk to/get with ladies is concerned if you:

- keep yourself in quasi-decent shape
- dress nicely as often as possible
- carry yourself with a semblance of confidence

You look good, you feel good and you (act like) you know it. Keep in mind that people should be honored that you're around them - and also keep in mind that you should convey that you know it, even if you don't explicitly say that you know it (because then you'd be an asshole).

Then, just go and talk to them - sort of like the OP did and described in the last page. Next time he does it though, he shouldn't LURK where the person he wants to talk to is. It is never supposed to be of the utmost importance that you spend time with any woman who isn't your family, your friend or your girlfriend. Sure, it can be something you want to do - but it should never be more important than everything else you have planned (or don't have planned - your time is of S-tier importance at all times) each day.