Lazy Boy - Underwear Goes Inside the Pants
Why is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal?
Its a natural plant that grows in the dirt.
Do you know whats not natural?
80 year old dudes with hard-ons. Thats not natural.
But we got pills for that.
Were dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect,
but were putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt?
You know we have more prescription drugs now.
Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad.
I cant watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases.
Like: Do you ever wake up tired in the morning?
Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have it.
Half the time I dont even know what the commercial is
people running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean.
Im like that is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that?
That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy.
The schools now
It is all about self-esteem in the schools now.
Build the kids self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves.
If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who is going to dance in our strip clubs?
Whats going to happen to our porno industry?
These women dont just grow on trees.
It takes lots of drunk dads missing dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks.
And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday night with my new high speed connection?
Masterminds are another word that comes up all the time.
You keep hearing about these terrorists masterminds that get killed in the middle east.
Terrorists masterminds.
Mastermind is sort of a lofty way to describe what these guys do, dont you think?
Theyre not masterminds.
OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in your backpack. And you get on bus and you blow yourself up. Alright?
Why do I have to blow myself up? Why cant I just
Whos the fucking mastermind here? Me or you?
Americans, lets face it: Weve been a spoiled country for a long time.
Do you know what the number one health risk in America is?
Obesity. They say were in the middle of an obesity epidemic.
An epidemic like it is polio. Like well be telling our grand kids about it one day.
The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004.
Howd you get through it grandpa?
Oh, it was horrible Johnny, there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere.
Nobody knows why were getting fatter? Look at our lifestyle.
Ill sit at a drive thru.
Ill sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of getting up to make the eight foot walk to the totally empty counter.
Everything is mega meal, super sized. Want biggie fries, super sized, want to go large.
You want to have thirty burgers for a nickel you fat mother fucker. Theres room in the back. Take it!
Want a 55 gallon drum of Coke with that? Its only three more cents.
Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life.
Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do you think thered be a Microsoft?
Of course not.
You got to spend a lotta time in your own locker with your underwear shoved up your ass before you start to think,
Youll see. Im going to take of the world of computers! Ill show them.
Were in one of the richest countries in the world,
but the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago.
There are homeless people everywhere.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day.
I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol.
And then I thought, thats what Im going to use it on.
Why am I judging this poor bastard.
People love to judge homeless guys. Like if you give them money theyre just going to waste it.
Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do? Save it up and buy a wall unit?
Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? Hes homeless.
I walked behind this guy the other day.
A homeless guy asked him for money.
He looks right at the homeless guy and says why dont you go get a job you bum.
People always say that to homeless guys like it is so easy.
This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants.
Outside his pants. Im guessing his resume isnt all up to date.
Im predicting some problems during the interview process.
Im pretty sure even McDonalds has a underwear goes inside the pants policy.
Not that they enforce it really strictly, but technically Im sure it is on the books.
