The beginning of the summer blockbuster is in full swing with the release of The Amazing Spider-Man 2, a continuation of 2012s The Amazing Spider-Man. The sequel again features Andrew Garfield as Peter Parker/Spider-Man and Emma Stone as eh, who cares, anyone reading this probably knows this already. And if you dont, make sure to check out The Amazing Spider-Man, a movie that takes nearly an hour to explain that a movie called The Amazing Spider-Man is about a guy who gets bit by a spider and gains superpowers. Im glad that the filmmakers put such painstaking effort into explaining this concept, since its not like there was a movie called Spider-Man that covered the exact same thing. My point is that The Amazing Spider-Man is an unbelievably boring movie; an unnecessary retread hampered by a soporific script. It makes sense that Sony would opt to go in a different direction for the sequel by introducing some fresh elements to craft a more compelling story. The end result is The Amazing Spider-Man 2, where marketing informs us that Spider-Mans greatest battle begins. That sounds intriguing, but theres just one problem The Amazing Spider-Man 2 sucks.
No, The Amazing Spider-Man 2 isnt boring like its predecessor was. Sony has instead delivered one of the most insultingly stupid movies Ive ever had the misfortune of watching. If it werent for the existence of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, this honestly might be the dumbest movie ever made. And while bad movies get made all the time, it takes a special kind of awful to elicit the type of reaction I had toward this movie. Very little in this movie makes any sort of sense. The plot is incoherent, a string of sequences that dont flow in any meaningful way, weighed down by inane dialogue and poor characterization. The tone of the film radically shifts from sequence to sequence, creating an uneven experience that feels like material from four different films were shoved into one. And at a whopping 2 hours and 22 minutes, The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is hindered by horrible pacing, a byproduct of a bloated and poorly edited film.
So just how did it come to this? The Amazing Spider-Man 2 boasts a tremendously talented cast to work with, the rich comic book history of the Spider-Man character to cull from, and some stunning visual effects work to dazzle. In order for a movie to succeed, it needs substance to accompany the flash. This is the ultimate failing of The Amazing Spider-Man 2. It features a terrible script that no amount of exceptional acting or splendid effects can possibly save. But enough talk about how bad this movie is; lets examine exactly what makes The Amazing Spider-Man 2 a catastrophic failure by exploring the absurdity that pervades nearly every single scene in the film.
The film begins with Spider-Man swinging around chasing some criminals wait, hold on, no, it doesnt. Instead, were treated to an overlong prologue sequence that explores what really happened to Peter Parkers birth parents. From the get go, were already knee deep into a subplot that deals with the origins of Peter Parker, something that was covered extensively in the boring first movie. Seriously, how difficult is it to just open a Spider-Man movie in medias res? Sony has had five attempts to open a Spider-Man film with an action sequence featuring Spider-Man, and has failed to do so five consecutive times. They did get it half right this time around, as we are indeed treated to an action sequence to open the film, albeit one featuring a minor character whose plotline was unceremoniously dropped halfway through the last film. The sequence bizarrely attempts to evoke the spy thriller genre, even though the scene is literally about a guy attempting to upload data to his Sony Vaio. Sony products sure are great, arent they?
About ten minutes in, we finally see Spider-Man in action, allowing the audience to collectively exhale, realizing they did in fact walk into the auditorium showing The Amazing Spider-Man 2, and not one showing the newest Bourne movie. This sequence of Spider-Man slinging his webs throughout the city is genuinely exhilarating. If theres any compliment I can give to this movie, its that it absolutely nails the movements of Spider-Man in ways that no preceding Spider-Man movie has ever done. All good things must come to an end, however, as Paul Giamatti enters the picture, spewing some inaudible dialogue in a comically bad Russian accent. Giamatti is a genuinely great actor, but he gives what is likely the worst performance in his career here. His performance is so over the top that the movie has already experienced a disconcerting shift in tone from serious to campy less than fifteen minutes in. This scene also introduces Jamie Foxxs Max Dillon, a bumbling, stereotypical nerd, complete with a gap tooth and a bad comb over who gets saved by Spider-Man. Despite the missteps with Giamatti and Foxx, the action sequence as a whole captures the heroic nature and wisecracking tongue of the Webbed Wallcrawler quite well, and its baffling that this wasnt the first scene in the movie.
While the action scene unfurls, we shift to high school graduation, where we are reintroduced to Gwen Stacy, portrayed by the seriously perfect Emma Stone. Gwen delivers a speech to her fellow graduate that includes the inspiring quote: What makes life valuable is that it doesnt last forever; what makes it precious is that it ends. Its at this point in the movie that I come to the sinking realization that the writers have absolutely no idea what theyre doing. The character of Gwen Stacy is arguably most famous for her shocking death in the comic books, which this speech seems to foreshadow. The concept of foreshadowing can be incredibly effective when handled well, but it inherently relies on subtlety, which is impossible to achieve when the writing is so clumsily handled as to literally tell you how the movie will play out. Were not even 20 minutes into the damn movie, and we already know Gwen Stacy is going to die. Remember in Star Trek Into Darkness, when Bones spouts some asinine line about testing the regenerative powers of Khans blood on a tribble? Gee, I wonder if thats going to be an important plot point! (It was.) Its the same principle here; when you give a character forced dialogue about something entirely irrelevant, it comes across as just a little suspicious.
But just in case Gwens speech wasnt proof enough that she is a goner, Peter arrives at graduation and sees Gwens family, complete with the ghost of Denis Leary standing hilariously behind them all. Denis Learys ghost is a recurring visual motif in the movie and is so unbelievably out of place that I couldnt help but die of laughter any time it happened. You might recall that Leary portrayed Gwens father, Captain Stacy, in the first movie, where he was eventually killed by a giant lizard man. Before his death, Denis Leary made Peter promise to stay away from Gwen in order to keep her safe; a promise Peter so graciously kept for five minutes of screen time before spitting on Denis Learys grave and reneging on his promise to stay away from Gwen. The way Denis Learys ghost is edited into the film suggests that Peter is now having second thoughts about pursuing a relationship with Gwen because he promised to do exactly the opposite. This new plot development of Peter feeling guilty about ignoring his promise should theoretically make sense, but it stands completely contrary to the characterization of Peter Parker in the first movie, where he transitions from being an unlikeable asshole at the beginning to becoming an even more unlikeable asshole by explicitly breaking a dying mans last wishes. Why does this character suddenly feel guilty about being an asshole? Did the writers even watch the first movie?
Everythings okay though, because the writers arent actually attempting to give Peter any sort of real development here. Denis Learys ghost is actually just a plot device to make Peter and Gwen break up, because everyone knows we didnt get enough romantic drama in Sam Raimis Spider-Man trilogy. While Gwen and Peters scenes have dramatically improved from the first movie where they spent various scenes mumbling like idiots, theyre still brought down by awful dialogue. Gwen literally tells Peter I break up with you. No one speaks like that. The only thing holding any of these scenes between Gwen and Peter together is the combined talent of Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield, who share a natural chemistry, which makes sense given theyre having sex in real life. Damn you, Garfield. At this point in the film, weve gone from serious to campy to mushy. Every scene in this movie to this point has felt like it came from a different movie. Were literally just advancing from scene to scene at this point with no natural progression from the scene before.
My brain is slowly starting to melt when Spider-Man reappears in a montage, doing heroic deeds. Theres a scene here where Spider-Man tells off some bullies and walks the victim home. This tiny sequence captures the essence of Spider-Man more perfectly than anything in the entirety of both Amazing Spider-Man movies. But instead of having scenes like this for the rest of the movie, we shift back to the type of garbage that preceded it by returning to the previously introduced Max Dillon. Max has a pretend conversation with Spider-Man in the mirror and tells him its his birthday. I wasnt sure at the time whether this scene was intended to be comedic or not, and I still have absolutely no idea. I would guess this scene was written to characterize Dillon as someone clearly insane, but the way it is filmed obscures by this intent by giving the scene an overly campy tone.
After a couple poor attempts at humor, one involving Peter coming face to face with the formidable Laundry Sheriff, The Amazing Spider-Man 2 introduces another new character into the fold - Harry Osborn, played by Dane DeHaan. Harry has a bedside conversation with his dying father, Norman, where he learns that the fatal condition his father has suffered from for the past twenty years is genetic. This guy is such an asshole that he has never once mentioned to his son that he was born with a genetic disease that will kill him at an early age. Maybe they cast Academy Award winning actor Chris Cooper in the role to really sell the villainous nature of Norman Osborn, who many people might recognize as the first Green Goblin from the comics. Oh, I guess not, because were told Norman is dead in the very next scene. Did they really just cast Chris Cooper for a thirty second role to deliver some exposition about Harry dying?
Sometime later, Peter visits his best friend Harry after hearing of Normans passing. We know that Peter and Harry are best friends because the movie tells us this, even though it also tells us that they havent seen each other in ten years, which would make them around eight years old the last time they were in contact each other. Huh? Elsewhere, Max Dillon goes to Oscorp to fix something, where in an unfortunate accident, he gets electrocuted and falls into a tank of electric eels. Honestly, Im not really going to complain about the origin of Electro here, because most comic book characters tend to have these types of outlandish scenarios that allow them to gain superpowers. Even Spider-Man himself is no exception to this.
The Amazing Spider-Man 2 soon shifts back to its fifteenth subplot involving the woefully complicated relationship of Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy. Some more awful dialogue ensues after a cringe-inducing scene where Peter slowly walks through traffic to meet Gwen. I think this is the part where they try to reconcile their relationship, but at this point in the movie, Im honestly more fascinated by the specks on the ceiling tiles in the auditorium than whatever drivel is spewing from the mouths of these characters. At some point during this scene, Peters realizes something is amiss and he abruptly leaves to be part of the next scene as Spider-Man, because the plot demanded this happen.
Spider-Man swings into Times Square, where Max Dillon, fresh off his accident at Oscorp, is wreaking havoc as the newest member of the Blue Man Group. Spider-Man attempts to talk Max down, but fails to do so because the writers remembered that this film is supposed to have a villain. Apparently, Max now hates Spider-Man because he didnt remember his name, even though he remembered everything else that happened in the one scene they shared earlier in the film. But just in case this motivation wasnt stupid enough on its own, the score playing during this scene contains lyrics that describe Maxs inner conflict: He lied to me. He shot at me. He hates on me. Hes using me. Hes dead to me. That Spider-Man. He is my enemy. I wish I was making this up, but these lyrics are all actually audible during the movie itself. And just in case that wasnt stupid enough, when Max finally decides to retaliate against Spider-Man, the use of his newfound electricity-based powers is accompanied by of all things, dubstep. But were not done yet. With one single line of dialogue, The Amazing Spider-Man 2 officially transitions from being plain bad to irredeemable. Max turns to Spider-Man and tells him, Its my birthday time for me to light my candles.
Maybe this is where The Amazing Spider-Man 2 hits rock bottom; after all, could it really get any worse? Amazingly enough, the very next scene in the film answers this question with a resounding yes. Peter lies down and listens to some Phillip Phillips before deciding on a whim to look into the mysterious disappearance of his parents. Again, theres just no connective tissue between anything that happens in this movie; there is absolutely nothing within Peters story in this film that would inspire him to look into his parents past. Going off the current track record of the writers, Im guessing that Peters parents will be used as yet another lazy plot device to advance the story. Maybe thats why the film opened with that nonsensical prologue? Or maybe the writers are just completely clueless and were mistakenly under the impression that the audience would care about this completely unnecessary subplot?
Speaking of subplots, we still have to deal with that one where Harry is dying. The genetic condition is now showing its symptoms and even though his father lived to be at least 40 before dying, Harry needs a cure right goddamn now. To this end, Harry consults his best friend Peter to help him get some of Spider-Mans blood, which could cure Harrys genetic disease because reasons. Peter is leery of these reasons and outright refuses to help, effectively condemning his best friend to death for no reason.
The Amazing Spider-Man 2 meanders for a while longer, with an overlong chase scene involving Gwen Stacy at Oscorp, which ultimately acts as yet another lazy plot device for Harry and Gwen to be in the same scene together. We also have some scenes involving Peters Aunt May, where she reveals that she is struggling to make ends meet without the financial assistance of her late husband. At the time I watched the movie, I couldnt remember why this subplot felt so redundant, but it later dawned upon me that this is exactly what happened in that other Spider-Man 2. The problem is that while Aunt Mays struggles in that film closely correlated with Peters struggles, there is no such parallel in this film. This subplot is instead just wasted time that is entirely irrelevant to the rest of the movie.
The stage shifts to Ravencroft Institute, where after his defeat at the hands of Spider-Man, Max is secretly being experimented upon by the worst character in the entire movie, an Oscorp scientist named Dr. Kafka. Marton Csokas takes a page out of the Paul Giamatti playbook by affecting an unconvincing accent and acting as ridiculously over the top as humanly possible wait, is this guy wearing lipstick? I think this is the scene where Max rechristens himself as Electro, but I cant be positive because Im still trying to figure out why this Dr. Kafka character is wearing lipstick. If anyone knows why this is the case, please let me know, because I find this mystery far more intriguing than anything else that has happened in this insipid film.
Spider-Man pays a visit to the still dying Harry, who is thankfully not wearing any distracting lipstick. Maybe Peter has had a change of heart and is now willing to help out his best friend Harry? In actuality, Spider-Man has come to visit Harry to tell him that he wont give him his blood because it isnt compatible. First of all, Peter already told Harry that his answer was no, so is he just here as Spider-Man to be a complete asshole and rub salt in the wound? Second of all, how does Spider-Man magically know that his blood isnt compatible? Did he run some tests on it to see what would happen if his blood was transfused to a normal human being? Did he read the end of the script where it says Harry becomes the Green Goblin, meaning he needs to provide Harry with a motivation to hate Spider-Man? Oh, its the last one? Go figure. Harry laughably proclaims, Youre a fraud, Spider-Man! and flips a table for good measure. Because this is how villains are born.
Peter and Gwen interact some more and while its increasingly apparent they still like each other, the movie delivers more artificial drama instead of reconciliation. Gwens going to move to England because theyre on different paths. This will they/wont they? has become so tired and stale by this point that Im just ready for Gwen to reach her inevitable death so that I dont have to put up with any more of this tripe. Peter, now downtrodden because the love of his life is moving away, throws his fathers calculator against the wall, which causes some coins to fall out that conveniently tie into the mysterious background of his parents. Instead of crafting some logical way for Peter to unravel this mystery, the writers rely upon an incredibly farfetched plot contrivance so that we can get to the next scene in the movie. Theres a scene in Star Trek where Kirk is jettisoned off the USS Enterprise onto a nearby planet, where he meets a time traveling Spock who uses beam technology to get him back on the Enterprise. Doesnt it seem a little too convenient that Kirk ends up on the one planet in the entire universe where he is able to meet someone who provides him with a plot device to advance the story?
Coincidences happen. This is not that; this is lazy plotting, and is only further compounded when Peter follows the breadcrumbs left by these coins stashed in the calculator to his fathers old laboratory in an abandoned rail station. Here, in video form, Peters father delivers some old fashioned exposition about his life research, which basically reveals that Spider-Mans abilities were unlocked because they were only compatible with the Parker bloodline. This technically means Peter was conveniently correct about his blood not being compatible with Harry, which means this was likely actually the part of the script he had read before that earlier scene with Harry.
Harry, meanwhile, is still searching for a cure to his genetic disease, when in a most fortunate turn of events, Harrys assistant soon informs him that she conveniently overheard that Oscorp is housing venom from radioactive spiders somewhere off books in a place called, wait for it, Special Projects. This is effectively the equivalent of keeping your internet pornography collection in a folder called Adult Films. Nonetheless, Harrys plan to acquire the spider venom is foiled when he is forcibly removed from Oscorp.
This prompts him to turn to Electro for help, because hes the other villain in the movie and they have to team up for some reason. Harry effortlessly dispatches some highly trained security guards and becomes best friends with Electro, who has now inexplicably rematerialized into Dr. Manhattan and can now become pure electricity. At least Electro wears his underwear in this movie. Electro escapes with Harry and fries the lipstick-wearing Dr. Kafka on his way out to the tune of some more dubstep. Its worth pointing out that anytime Electro uses his powers, the same dubstep cue blares from the speakers. This is something else completely out of place that again elicits uproarious laughter every single time it played.
With Electros help, Harry makes his way back to Oscorp. Small aside: Electro somehow managed to acquire a new costume on his way to Oscorp, complete with cute little lightning bolt designs on the arms. Electro parts ways from Harry, leaving the scene via power outlet and dubstep. Harry makes his way to Secret Projects, where he finds the venom produced by Araneus oscorpeus. Yes, the spiders are really given that nomenclature. Harry gets injected with the venom, which predictably doesnt work and grotesquely morphs him into a meth addict. Or maybe it turned him into Billy Idol. Im not really sure. He crawls for a bit and ends up at some sort of green battle suit attached to a glider. Oh, I get it, hes the Green Goblin! Sorry Gwen, youre totally dying at the end of this movie.
Somewhere across the city, Peter and Gwen finally reconcile their differences and agree to move to London together. Peter makes some unbelievably stupid remarks about fighting crime as Spider-Man in England, which we know is never going to happen because Gwen will be too dead for them to move away together. Meanwhile, Electro causes a massive blackout across New York City in an attempt to draw his mortal enemy Spider-Man to the power plant that houses the emergency reset system. Apparently this one power plant controls the reset for all of the electricity in New York City, which really just seems like a particularly short-sighted decision on the part of the city. Im pretty confident that the only reason Electro still hates Spider-Man for is because he forgot his name, but Electros the villain now, so the plot demands he do villainous things.
Peter suits up as Spider-Man and leaves Gwen behind to keep her out of harms way. Spider-Man enters the fray and confronts Electro at the power plant, where they have a battle filled with neat special effects. At some point during the fight, Electro remembers he has the ability to become pure electricity and proceeds to lay waste to Spider-Man. This scene actually manages to be pretty entertaining until Electro decides to perform a dubstep version of Itsy Bitsy Spider while combatting Spider-Man. This isnt even part of the score in the scene; it literally happens in the film, prompting Spider-Man to quip about how he hates this song. Its almost as if this movie was intentionally sabotaged by its creators, because anything that had the potential to be truly great is overshadowed by something idiotic.