Some parents aren't well exactly well off. My parents got in financial trouble after my mom had to quit here job due to health reason. If we wanted to live with a similar level of comfort I needed to pull my weight.
I think my girlfriend's parents are taking advantage of her
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AlteredForms
Banned
But it's not free, it's taken out of your ass one way or another. That's what makes it exactly what it is, a loan.
I agree, I do wonder if they do rely on the extra money they get from her as well though.
Essentially I think they just couldn't deal with her moving out on her own where they couldn't keep an eye on her. (When her brother was 21 they confiscated his debit card cause he spent "too much" on games). But I think the fact that they then get to make a bit of money off of her is just an added bonus.
I dunno, it's kind of crappy, but she's happy for now so I can't really complain. At some point when we can afford to we'll get a place together and she can move out and hopefully her parents will realise they can't be so controlling, but who knows.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh god, make it stop, it's hilarious.
Most student loans in the UK will be defaulted on, knowingly. The repayment schemes are income linked, the interest is inflation linked, student loans are actually removed from your pay before you even see them (like income tax).
It's a joke.
In 6 years I've paid off a grand total of less than £1000 and the odds of me ever paying back the full amount, or even a signicicant portion are so low as to be ridiculous. To put it in perspective I've paid off maybe £1000 over 7 years of work. I would have to work another 105 years for any repayments to equal the amount I took in loans at that rate.
We've actually had studies proving that in terms of the UK it would be cheaper to just give students the money and let them walk away than to continue administering the Student Loans Company.
See- it's not the rent paying on its own that's weird, nor is it the pressuring her kids to stay at home that's odd on its own... but pressuring your kids to stay at home THEN charging then rent? What the fuck is that about?
"You have to stay at home for university, btw you also have to pay us for staying at home."
"You have to stay at home for university, btw you also have to pay us for staying at home."
industrian
will gently cradle you as time slowly ticks away.
I graduated seven years ago, and I've yet to make a single payment.
I've yet to find a job that crosses the earnings threshold.
If you don't pay it back after 25 years or something it's written off.
Though it technically is a loan it basically acts like a slightly higher tax rate that ends after a set time. Especially under the new scheme where they tripled it to 9 grand a year and raised the threshold where you have to start repaying to 21 grand or whatever.
The majority of people are not going to repay £35,000 or whatever from a tiny percentage of their earnings over £21,000 before time's up and they get it cancelled.
This thread reminds me of moving back home earlier this year so I could pay off my debt by saving on rent and utilities I convinced my grandfather to let us stay here for $200 a month. Then I lost my job back in April, I recently got a job again but it's not nearly enough to pay anything other than my car payment. I actually feel kind of shitty but I guess my grandpa in his 83 years knows that I am at least trying to get my feet back on the ground.
I still need to find something better because this job is just seasonal, pay is shit, and hours are shit.
I still need to find something better because this job is just seasonal, pay is shit, and hours are shit.
John Kowalski
Banned
Why not pay some bills instead? Pay for the groceries, clean up after yourself, even cook yourself somedays. They're your parents for fuck's sake, you're not economically beholden to them. If they're in trouble help them, don't just give them money! That's silly.
you should be if you're living in their house and an adult.
granted, they've forced the issue, but she's agreed.
can we stop with all this "but charging your children" nonsense?.......she's 19 ffs. she's a big girl. just leave it be OP its not worth getting tangled in - but don't listen to her complain about it.
weemadarthur
Member
I offer a different perspective for consideration.
This young woman wants to be immediately grown up due to having reached her age of majority. Her parents know her very well, and realize that she is nothing like as grownup as she wants to believe. She wants to move out, having all applicable housing bills on top of uni tuition. Her parents think she will only get into debt and fail to pay her bills, causing herself financial difficulties that would take decades to clear up. Instead, they give her a way to experience those bills, while still having a backup plan. They teach her that grownup bills come before having fun, and she has emotional support and a familiar environment in case something big goes wrong.
Is it certain that this scenario is more accurate? No. But it is equally as plausible as the one where she is being taken advantage of. Parents usually have their children's best interests in mind, so why start hating on them?
This young woman wants to be immediately grown up due to having reached her age of majority. Her parents know her very well, and realize that she is nothing like as grownup as she wants to believe. She wants to move out, having all applicable housing bills on top of uni tuition. Her parents think she will only get into debt and fail to pay her bills, causing herself financial difficulties that would take decades to clear up. Instead, they give her a way to experience those bills, while still having a backup plan. They teach her that grownup bills come before having fun, and she has emotional support and a familiar environment in case something big goes wrong.
Is it certain that this scenario is more accurate? No. But it is equally as plausible as the one where she is being taken advantage of. Parents usually have their children's best interests in mind, so why start hating on them?
this.
tried to mention this a few pages back. we have no idea what the actual situation is, and neither does the OP by the sounds of it (no offense), because his GF won't talk to him about it.
and the christmas gifts have nothing to do with it either. which one of you WOULDN'T lend your parents money to buy your siblings gifts if you had the money and they didn't??????? talk about a one way street.
nah dog that doesn't fit the evidence nearly as well as them being a bit crap. the evidence is pretty one sided sure but the ipad thing seems pretty fucking black and white not sure you can spin that bit in a positive light.
This is not normal.
It's one thing if the parents are trying to push a kid out into the world and are using "rent" as an incentive for them to move out.
It's entirely another for the parents to say "You HAVE to live with us AND pay rent."
You're not insane. She's getting used pretty directly.
I don't know where you're getting this from, she talked to me a lot about it when it was first going on and the decisions were being made and the arguments were being had.
There is no reason to think she wouldn't be fine moving away to uni, like most people do here.
I think her parents honestly do care about her a lot. I just think they're massively over protective/controlling and are sort of taking advantage of her a little bit.
weemadarthur
Member
"Doesn't fit biased and one sided evidence".
Please don't address me as "dog", we don't have that level of familiarity. "Dawg" is also out.
Moving4Motion
Banned
Why? I stayed at home for uni. It meant no student debt and I still had a great time.
Why do you think it would be particularly biased, just out of curiosity?
John Kowalski
Banned
No, you shouldn't be. Is the relationship between a son or daughter and his/her parents so thin that it cannot accommodate the generosity of letting him or her live with them? If things are tough, yes, there ought to be some economic collaboration, but a collaboration driven by necessity, not by the notion that living with your parents ought to be of so little trouble to them that they may even be profiting from your presence.
my bad. it sounded like she pulled away from the conversation with you. haven't checked the OP but apparently i misread it!
to me it sounds like they are over protective, so don't want her to leave/don't think she can cope, and they might genuinely be struggling for money at the same time.
so whilst they want to keep her at home, for genuine reasons, they can't afford to.
that isn't taking advantage imo, but she should really stand up for what SHE wants to do. unless they've had a conversation about it, and she's agreed to help out financially.
they may well think its good for both parties involved. and that is what has me confused..... surely she has spelt it out to them? what did they say in return? there really are too few details to be castigating anyone imo
you've just answered your own question. i'm guessing not being able to afford christmas presents suggests some level of financial struggle.
its a two way street. is the relationship between a parent and his/her son or daughter so thin that it cannot accomodate the generousity of contributing to a house that has provided for them for 19 years. especially as an adult.
its why i think its worth pointing out to them explicitly how it doesn't benefit her.
John Kowalski
Banned
But we're working under the assumption that they're under no significant trouble at all from what the OP is telling. And your proposition, acceptable as it may be, is also not the case at hand where the parents are seemingly forcing her to comply to their demands, so it can hardly be said that it is her generosity driving her to let of a large portion of the money that could be much more smartly invested in her financial independence. And even then i'm under the impression that you're again proposing that to be the default behaviour that a son or daughter ought to aspire to in their early adulthood, again disqualifying it as generosity.
We are currently charging my daughter rent (shell be 21 this month). The main reason is we let her pick the college that she wanted to attend and it was a private and rather expensive even after 75-80% was covered by a scholarship. Oh and it was 500 miles away in Chicago, we made her commit that she would stay there for at least one year. Well, halfway through the first semester she wanted to come back home and go to school locally (she was trying to keep a long distance relationship active). We gave in, but with the condition that as long as she lives at home she has to pay rent from her job, partly as punishment for breaking our arrangement and also to pay back some of the money we spent at the college (only 1 class would transfer).
We were the opposite of the OPs GF position, we wanted her to go off to school, live in the dorm, experience college.. instead she chose to stay at home and go to school locally.
As far as charging kids (or adults) rent, promotes budgeting and honestly as much as I love her, I dont want her living at home when shes 30, fully employed and able to have her own place.
What bothers me the most about the OP position, is taking part of the student loan to pay for rent thats just not right (not sure legally either)
We were the opposite of the OPs GF position, we wanted her to go off to school, live in the dorm, experience college.. instead she chose to stay at home and go to school locally.
As far as charging kids (or adults) rent, promotes budgeting and honestly as much as I love her, I dont want her living at home when shes 30, fully employed and able to have her own place.
What bothers me the most about the OP position, is taking part of the student loan to pay for rent thats just not right (not sure legally either)
I think the problem I have with the struggling for money thing is that it doesn't seem like they really take responsibility for that themselves, at least as an outsider looking in. When my dad lost his job and then had to stop working because he got ill, my family cut back on everything, we cancelled our Sky, switched our internet and other utilities to cheaper services, started buying the cheapest groceries instead of the nice brands, they stopped going on big holidays away every year too. I stopped getting as much spent on me for things like birthday and christmas presents.
So coming from that, I don't see her parents doing any of those things, so for them to use struggling with money as some kind of excuse, it seems a bit off. Does that make sense?
So coming from that, I don't see her parents doing any of those things, so for them to use struggling with money as some kind of excuse, it seems a bit off. Does that make sense?
UltraMagnanimous
Member
If you are an adult you should contribute to your up keep and pay your way if you can - she can. Even if I was well off I think it would healthy and responsible for my kids to pay me board or whatever.
Likewise as an adult, she should make her own decisions on where to live and what to do with their life. She needs to do this at some point so should.bite the bullet and just do it.
Likewise as an adult, she should make her own decisions on where to live and what to do with their life. She needs to do this at some point so should.bite the bullet and just do it.
weemadarthur
Member
You're the OP, right?
The bias comes from the fact that you are emotionally invested with her. You have goals of keeping/improving a romantic relationship with your gf, and those goals at times may conflict with her parents' goals of...whatever they may be.
Also, you are often not there to hear the discussion, and your gf vents to you later. People who are venting leave off information that lowers the validity of their side of the argument. Humans adjust their own memories to make themselves look better too. This makes it very difficult for the 'outsider' to get a proper view of the personality of the other party. Really, it's best for nobody to vent to 'outsiders' about their family members, because they can really mess up relationships that way. But nobody lives like that very well.
I say biased because a) humans gonna human, and b) your desires for your gf to be a grownup are likely in conflict with the parents' desires not to lose their little girl. Not because you have any inherent inability to empathise or aren't a decent person.
I wasn't charged rent while going to school, but I did have to pay $200/month once I was working full-time. It was pretty much a nudge to get me to move out. I pay $900/mo for my apartment now, and I didn't have to pay for any food/utilities when I was at home, so it was more symbolic than anything.
I guess in some cultures it isn't as acceptable to sponge off of your parents forever when you have the means to support yourself, while it is completely accepted and expected in others.
It's her choice whether to tell her parents to fuck off and move out or accept their bs, of course. They seem unreasonably controlling, but it's not like she's chained up in the cellar.
I guess in some cultures it isn't as acceptable to sponge off of your parents forever when you have the means to support yourself, while it is completely accepted and expected in others.
It's her choice whether to tell her parents to fuck off and move out or accept their bs, of course. They seem unreasonably controlling, but it's not like she's chained up in the cellar.
Yeah that's fair. I just felt like I really didn't have anything to gain either way in the situation so I didn't know why anyone would think I'd tell a one-sided account. And while you're right my girlfriend might've been biased when venting, I'm not sure what kind of things she could've missed out or exaggerated really?
Why can't I just give them money? It's not like they are crack addicts and are wasting it.
Sounds like what my parents did to me. They didn't let me apply to colleges that were out of city/state, they wouldn't even let me take vacations on my own. It became a lot worse after they found out things about my personal life. When I got a job, they started guilt tripping me to pay off house bills and whatever expenses they had. Because I recieved a grant from my father's work benefits, he felt entitled to my money. So when my tax return came in the mail, my dad hid it from me and then one night forced me to sign the check. It wasn't "charging me rent," because they had no intention of letting me live on my own. They literally did everything they could to keep me broke so that I could depend them and not myself.
DarkCronos
Member
maybe it's a cultural thing, but parents charging their kids for rent seems really fucked up to me. I'm 27 and i live with my girlfriend in my parents' house (different apartments on different floors, same building, owned by them) and they never asked us to pay a cent
The thing is, uni in the UK is basically the perfect way to learn all those things. It's like adult life with the training wheels on. You get given all the money you need three times a year, and all your friends at uni are going through the exact same thing so you always have people to help you and give you advice. First you go to halls where bills and everything are sorted out for you. Then you move into a student house with some friends and experience a bit more responsibility, and hopefully by the time you graduate you're ready to live like an adult.
It's pretty difficult to end up in more of a financial hole than the overdrafts most student accounts offer (Usually a £2,000 limit I think, and usually it starts much smaller when you're a fresher). Your tuition loan and maintenance loan aren't really a debt you need to worry about much.
If that is her parents reasoning I'd say it's a poor one.
Your girlfriend's parents are absolutely abusive and controlling. She is an adult, and she has a right to live wherever the hell she wants for college, regardless of what her parents expect. Forcing your adult daughter to live with you through college and expecting her to pay for the privilege is fucked up.
This is also completely ridiculous behavior. Her parents want to be able to brag about getting expensive gifts for their kids, but can't afford them, so they force their children to pay for their own gifts?
This is also completely ridiculous behavior. Her parents want to be able to brag about getting expensive gifts for their kids, but can't afford them, so they force their children to pay for their own gifts?
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