When you hit 30 as a virgin, you become a wizard. But what kind of wizard?

Status
Not open for further replies.
Exr said:
Instead of coming into threads and angrily posting about your virginity and how youll be stuck with it forever, why not ask for advice or do some self reflection? Change aspects of yourself or your behavior instead of angrily wallowing and hurting yourself. I dont mean to come off as standoffish or a dick, this is an honest inquiry.
Click to expand...

A lot of people need to disclose their worries knowing that they won't be pressured into respond to them. Perhaps those who are virgins and who complain about it being a permanent state do so in hopes of finding people in similar situations so they can feel better about their conditions. And often their exaggerations are motivated not by the reality of their conditions but by the anxiety they have associated with it. When they're complaining that their virginity is woven from a material so strong even spiders would be amazed, they are just trying to accept and normalize their condition so the anxiety goes away. Being a virgin isn't hard, after all it's as hard as sitting in a chair watching ships go by. But there is a pressure, an anxiety that comes with it, often fueled by the very real schadenfreude that comes about every time someone admits they haven't had someone rustle their nethers for them.
 
Zalusithix said:
I honestly feel sorry for people like you. Not because you're a virgin (I am one myself), but because you feel like you're less because of it. Virginity and relationships in general are totally inconsequential to the worth of somebody and how fulfilled a life they can live.

The first part is just a matter of fact. Sticking your penis in another person's orifice is only a measure of worth/success to animals that mindlessly live to reproduce. The second part is more of a mental thing. If your mindset has it that sex and relationships are needed to be a whole person, then of course you'll feel down by being a virgin. Whether that outlook is your own or one pushed upon you by friends, family, religion, or society in general I can't say. Mindsets can be changed though... albeit not always easily.

As for myself, I couldn't care less about my own virginity. Sexual urges are easily enough dealt with without the aid of another person. I've had opportunities to get rid of it if I wanted to, but I didn't go down those paths. I have no interest in getting rid of it just to get rid of it; if I do get rid of it, it'll be in a relationship I plan on keeping. Linked to that, I'm not interested in getting into a relationship at this point in my life for various reasons. (One being the recognition that my own selfishness currently wouldn't allow me to easily compromise to the extent that I should in one. I enjoy my complete freedom.) Should I end up never getting into one... C'est la vie.
Click to expand...

What if I want those things, but feel totally unable to get them? And I am less because of it. I became depressed over my lack of ability to connect to people in my early 20's. I have failed to plan and set up a future for myself because of the depression. I honestly believe my life would've been entirely different had I been able to socialise normally. Depression took away my drive and any passion for life I may have had.

I am sure people have lead fulfilled lives without sex or relationships. Perhaps they weren't really all that interested in those things. It's good that you are living your life unaffected.
 
Out of Working Order said:
What if I want those things, but feel totally unable to get them? And I am less because of it. I became depressed over my lack of ability to connect to people in my early 20's. I have failed to plan and set up a future for myself because of the depression. I honestly believe my life would've been entirely different had I been able to socialise normally. Depression took away my drive and any passion for life I may have had.

I am sure people have lead fulfilled lives without sex or relationships. Perhaps they weren't really all that interested in those things. It's good that you are living your life unaffected.
Click to expand...

No you are not less because of it.

The key to this is that you are comparing yourself to others. You need to stop.

If at this point you need help to get there, I would seek it.
 
Wreck-It Ralph said:
I've tried both OKC and PoF and I never get any replies. I have literally messaged everyone in my area with a 90+% match rating on OKC and gotten no replies.
Click to expand...


Well, there's part of your problem.
My wife lived an hour away from me, and wasn't a match for me at all.

Seems like you're expecting someone "perfect" (or who some silly website tells you is "a good match" based on whatever criteria they use)
Don't even give that stuff a second thought. Seriously.
 
Out of Working Order said:
What if I want those things, but feel totally unable to get them? And I am less because of it. I became depressed over my lack of ability to connect to people in my early 20's. I have failed to plan and set up a future for myself because of the depression. I honestly believe my life would've been entirely different had I been able to socialise normally. Depression took away my drive and any passion for life I may have had.

I am sure people have lead fulfilled lives without sex or relationships. Perhaps they weren't really all that interested in those things. It's good that you are living your life unaffected.
Click to expand...

Hence I said it was a mental thing. Basically, as I see it, there's a few options:
A) Change your outlook so that you don't see the overwhelming need for those things. Find purpose in something else you feel is within your reach. It's not like you have to deny the desire for relationships/sex completely, but by finding something else that you can feel good by devoting yourself to, you can stop focusing so much on what you don't have.

B) Take action to achieve the things you currently desire. Despite what some idiots say about forever being alone if you haven't done it by 30, there is always a way to begin. Not every woman out there is taken - even the 30+ crowd. Some relationships end to make way for new ones. There's a pool of people looking at virtually all age ranges. Still, opportunities rarely just fall into your lap, so if you don't try and adjust your life to make them happen... It'll be a self fulfilling prophecy. Even if you do try, prepare for failure. Relationships aren't a sure thing ever. I mean, never go into one expecting it to fail, but you have to be aware that shit happens and if one fails it doesn't signify that you're a failure in life. (Well, unless you were cheating or something... then you deserve whatever life throws at you. ;) )

C) Do both A and B. A should boost self confidence and put perspective that B is not the end all be all in life. That self confidence would ironically feed into helping B become a reality.

I'm not a psychologist/therapist though, so don't take my suggestions as professional advice or anything.
 
John Kowalski said:
A lot of people need to disclose their worries knowing that they won't be pressured into respond to them. Perhaps those who are virgins and who complain about it being a permanent state do so in hopes of finding people in similar situations so they can feel better about their conditions. And often their exaggerations are motivated not by the reality of their conditions but by the anxiety they have associated with it. When they're complaining that their virginity is woven from a material so strong even spiders would be amazed, they are just trying to accept and normalize their condition so the anxiety goes away. Being a virgin isn't hard, after all it's as hard as sitting in a chair watching ships go by. But there is a pressure, an anxiety that comes with it, often fueled by the very real schadenfreude that comes about every time someone admits they haven't had someone rustle their nethers for them.
Click to expand...

I feel like this post does a good job of trying to understand the different motivations (many times subconscious) behind this. I think that the 'Schadenfreude' is one of the reasons this subject gets easily mocked a little more freely.
 
xandaca said:
If you want to have sex but aren't having any luck meeting someone or lack the confidence to do so, I don't see what the problem is with hiring a prostitute (as long as you're not picking up someone off a street corner). The idea that your first time has to be special and magical is all kinds of bullshit and I'd imagine most people weren't much good their first time (I certainly wasn't). A prostitute would seem like a good way of getting used to physical intimacy without any social or performance pressure. Makes sense to me to get it done so that when/if someone does come along whom you're genuinely interested in, you'll have more confidence and experience to make the most of the opportunity.
Click to expand...

I did exactly this five years ago. Actually went twice. It was useful as an experiment, but I won't resort to it as a source of pleasure ever again. I realized there's no point in doing it with someone who may not be enjoying or maybe even despising it in the back of their mind. I'd rather masturbate to satisfy physical urges.
 
xandaca said:
I'd argue that you're somewhat overlapping physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. Yes, there is undeniably a difference between romantic sex and fucking, but I would imagine that if you lack the confidence to approach someone in everyday life, just the experience of being in bed with someone will help overcome the psychological barrier and pressures of being a virgin (not that I see anything wrong with it myself, having also lost my virginity quite late, but unfortunately society is awfully fond of being meaninglessly judgmental) and perhaps make it more comfortable thinking of yourself as a sexual person.
Click to expand...

Basically this. Losing your virginity to a prostitute might not be ideal but it might help getting over psychological barriers, even if you feel there isn't one.

also the guys who aren't even 28: don't worry, you're nowhere near wizardry. at 23 or even 25 you still have plenty of time. it's the time people usually start careers in their life, so you'll see more people, have more money etc. At 28+ I would start to get worried.

edit: I'm not trying to shame anyone, just trying to help.
 
TCRS said:
Basically this. Losing your virginity to a prostitute might not be ideal but it might help getting over psychological barriers, even if you feel there isn't one.

also the guys who aren't even 28: don't worry, you're nowhere near wizardry. at 23 or even 25 you still have plenty of time. it's the time people usually start careers in their life, so you'll see more people, have more money etc. At 28+ I would start to get worried.

edit: I'm not trying to shame anyone, just trying to help.
Click to expand...

This kind of baseless advice is as useful as a lifelong obese person getting dietary advice from a lifelong slim person who never gets fat no matter how bad their food habits are.

It always looks simple for those who are outside.
 
M3d10n said:
This kind of baseless advice is as useful as a lifelong obese person getting dietary advice from a lifelong slim person who never gets fat no matter how bad their food habits are.

It always looks simple for those who are outside.
Click to expand...

I'm fat if that helps.

You have to try something, right? Not saying it will work for everyone but maybe it does for some?
 
TCRS said:
I'm fat if that helps.

You have to try something, right? Not saying it will work for everyone but maybe it does for some?
Click to expand...

Well, each person has a different story, true, but for those who had to deal with it for around a decade it can sound condescending as much as "why don't you just eat less?", even if it's technically right.

Talking from experience here. Losing my virginity to a prostitute didn't do much. What to do after getting under the sheets isn't the problem in my case.
 
Vermillion said:
You're really only offending the people that the -isms apply to in order to make your point. Then you'll have many people (like myself) focusing on the fact that you made such an insensitive comparison since you couldn't make your point without it.
Click to expand...

A little empathy goes a long way.
 
Out of Working Order said:
Well, as a 29 year old virgin, I can honestly say I'd rather have had sex throughout my 20's than become a wizard, no matter how powerful.

I don't feel like a sexual being, despite wanting to experience it. I feel irrelevant and broken. It's a natural, normal part of adult life. People explore their sexualities, and enjoy it. It's everywhere. For whatever reason, it's never happened for me. I am not ugly. I have never had a social life, which no doubt has played a huge role in my situation, and is also another reason why I feel so worthless and unfulfilled.

As far as I am concerned, there's only one thing to do at this point. Comments in threads like these along the lines of 'at 30, it's never going to happen for you' just add to the agony. 'Well, I have sex every month, so going 30 years is definitely wizardry' is just making a mockery of people like me. It's not funny, and it's a pretty horrible way to experience life. It's awful.
Click to expand...

Just pay for it already.
 
Wreck-It Ralph said:
lol

I've tried both OKC and PoF and I never get any replies. I have literally messaged everyone in my area with a 90+% match rating on OKC and gotten no replies. Also tried Tinder and never got any matches despite swiping right for everyone.

I'm just fat and ugly and nobody could possibly be attracted to me.
Click to expand...
Friend I've messaged over a thousand individuals on OKC and gotten 3 dates and I've never met anyone off Tinder despite swiping right to everyone within 10 miles, the grind is real.

as well as the struggle
 
Getting a prostitute might destroy their self confidence even more. For the people that are virgins, what do you feel like is the biggest barrier? Looks? Personality? You could try any number of the current meet up apps out there. Having sex does not determine your self worth, but it has become easier to accomplish lately.
 
Zalusithix said:
I honestly feel sorry for people like you. Not because you're a virgin (I am one myself), but because you feel like you're less because of it. Virginity and relationships in general are totally inconsequential to the worth of somebody and how fulfilled a life they can live.

The first part is just a matter of fact. Sticking your penis in another person's orifice is only a measure of worth/success to animals that mindlessly live to reproduce. The second part is more of a mental thing. If your mindset has it that sex and relationships are needed to be a whole person, then of course you'll feel down by being a virgin. Whether that outlook is your own or one pushed upon you by friends, family, religion, or society in general I can't say. Mindsets can be changed though... albeit not always easily.

As for myself, I couldn't care less about my own virginity. Sexual urges are easily enough dealt with without the aid of another person. I've had opportunities to get rid of it if I wanted to, but I didn't go down those paths. I have no interest in getting rid of it just to get rid of it; if I do get rid of it, it'll be in a relationship I plan on keeping. Linked to that, I'm not interested in getting into a relationship at this point in my life for various reasons. (One being the recognition that my own selfishness currently wouldn't allow me to easily compromise to the extent that I should in one. I enjoy my complete freedom.) Should I end up never getting into one... C'est la vie.
Click to expand...

You. You have your head on straight.
 
Vermillion said:
Certainly, but... I am empathetic. I'm simply saying that you could make your argument better.
Click to expand...

I felt it was necessary to lump all that together because people in general don't seem very sympathetic towards "lesser" forms of shaming/mocking/bullying - virgin shaming, skinny shaming, slut shaming, fat shaming - unless it's compared to something they're more familiar with.

If all you can think of is "but that other thing he compared it to is so much worse and not comparable at all!" then that's where having more empathy would help.

I probably could have worded that better though, true.
 
What they don't tell you is that your penis shrivels up, dries out and then falls off like an umbilical cord. This becomes your starter wand.

Don't do it.
 
RatskyWatsky said:
I felt it was necessary to lump all that together because people in general don't seem very sympathetic towards "lesser" forms of shaming/mocking/bullying - virgin shaming, skinny shaming, slut shaming, fat shaming - unless it's compared to something they're more familiar with.

If all you can think of is "but that other thing he compared it to is so much worse and not comparable at all!" then that's where having more empathy would help.

I probably could have worded that better though, true.
Click to expand...

...Everyone knows what being a virgin is like. It's not comparable, tbh.
 
metalslimer said:
Getting a prostitute might destroy their self confidence even more. For the people that are virgins, what do you feel like is the biggest barrier? Looks? Personality? You could try any number of the current meet up apps out there. Having sex does not determine your self worth, but it has become easier to accomplish lately.
Click to expand...

Attraction? I don't find the human body sexy.
 
John Kowalski said:
A lot of people need to disclose their worries knowing that they won't be pressured into respond to them. Perhaps those who are virgins and who complain about it being a permanent state do so in hopes of finding people in similar situations so they can feel better about their conditions. And often their exaggerations are motivated not by the reality of their conditions but by the anxiety they have associated with it. When they're complaining that their virginity is woven from a material so strong even spiders would be amazed, they are just trying to accept and normalize their condition so the anxiety goes away. Being a virgin isn't hard, after all it's as hard as sitting in a chair watching ships go by. But there is a pressure, an anxiety that comes with it, often fueled by the very real schadenfreude that comes about every time someone admits they haven't had someone rustle their nethers for them.
Click to expand...
If the anxiety isn't addressed then complacency will set in absolutely. I just don't see people ever coming comfortably to terms with living as virgins if they can't address their anxieties that caused them to remain unsexed. I want to tell these people that they have the capacity to alter aspects of themselves to get more comfortable with the opposite sex but if they are making posts rooted in frustration or anger it just sounds like they have already submit to some sort of thought pattern that reminds them sex is an unattainable goal. It sounds harsh but I think ultimately it comes down to effort. That is not to say its a matter of effort for everyone, as there are some things that are unable to be fixed through effort. But let's be real, fuck ugly people can get with hot partners. That alone should be enough for most to realize that they could find a partner if they are willing. Their anxiety seeks to suffocate aspects of themselves, its a bummer to see.
Again, not a matter of effort for all and some are asexual butyou know what I mean, yeah?
 
Vermillion said:
...Everyone knows what being a virgin is like. It's not comparable, tbh.
Click to expand...

This is where the empathy comes in bro!

Comparing is only useful insofar as it serves to bring the initial issue to your attention. Once that happens you need to use empathy to (shed the comparison and) try to understand how it makes these other people feel.

These people feel awful - terribly so - when jokes about virgins are made (not to mention the fact that it enforces rape culture, the objectification of women, and male entitlement).

The solution? Avoid making comments like that in the future. It's really as simple as that.

Saying "Your problem isn't that bad, just get over it tbh" isn't helpful (or nice) at all.
 
RatskyWatsky said:
This is where the empathy comes in bro!

Comparing is only useful insofar as it serves to bring the initial issue to your attention. Once that happens you need to use empathy to (shed the comparison and) try to understand how it makes these other people feel.

These people feel awful - terribly so - when jokes about virgins are made (not to mention the fact that it enforces rape culture, the objectification of women, and male entitlement).

The solution? Avoid making comments like that in the future. It's really as simple as that.

Saying "Your problem isn't that bad, just get over it tbh" isn't helpful (or nice) at all.
Click to expand...

It's not as bad as racism or sexism, despite how much it can hurt. Once you look outside of the perspective of a virgin, you'll understand that.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads

I am become retarded but when
NSFW 
27
2K
Cyberpunkd replied
what do you think of Nathan Fielder?
13
634
Jsisto replied
what do you think of Disney Adults?
2
81
4K
diffusionx replied
What did you like as a kid that you grew to hate as an adult?
2 3
107
5K
Dirk Benedict replied
Be Kind,
NSFW 
41
2K
poodaddy replied
Top Bottom