Entertain me. What joke always makes you laugh?
- Thread starter Patrick Bateman
- Start date
- Status
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
There where twenty of them.
Paragon Pariah
Neo Member
What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord?
My ass.
A priest, a rabbi, and a whale walk into a bar.
The priest says, "Well I believe Jesus Christ is the only begotten son of God and my lord and savior, so I'll have some wine."
The rabbi says, "Well I don't believe the messiah has yet walked the earth, so I'll have Manischewitz wine."
The whale says
The priest says, "Well I believe Jesus Christ is the only begotten son of God and my lord and savior, so I'll have some wine."
The rabbi says, "Well I don't believe the messiah has yet walked the earth, so I'll have Manischewitz wine."
The whale says
"EEEEEEOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNHHHHHHHHHH"
I will forever love this movie and this joke. I want to go watch kung pow right now damn you
Anti-jokes always get me.
A man walks into a bar. He is a crippling alcoholic and it is destroying his family.
That's like the Helen Keller joke that's least likely to cause me to wake up in hell one day.
Anyway...
So this man goes to the doctor and the doctor says, “You’re test results came back and I’m afraid I have some bad news. You have Cancer and you have Alzheimer’s”. The man says, “Well it could be worse, at least I don’t have Cancer.”
TimorousPanda
Member
This is now potentially one of my favorite jokes of all time.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
lunchtoast
Member
Jamaican me crazy.
Orbis Tabula
Member
I'm glad somebody appreciates it.
Reverend Funk
Comfy Penetration
A muslim, a communist, and a terrorist walk into a bar. The bartender says "hello Mr. President."
This one is best asked when people aren't being silly, but even then, it works well.
You know how when you see geese flying in that V formation as they migrate? Have you ever noticed that one side of the V is a little longer than the other? Do you know why?
You know how when you see geese flying in that V formation as they migrate? Have you ever noticed that one side of the V is a little longer than the other? Do you know why?
There are more geese on that side.
Admiral Woofington
Member
Yeah there's also one that goes like
A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender asks "why the long face?"
The horse looks up "my wife is dying from a terminal illness"
NYCmetsfan
Banned
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What a strange orgy.
disappeared
Banned
A man suffers a tragic fall, ruins his spine, and is wheelchair-bound the rest of his life. Who is his favorite Lord of the Rings character?
Legolas
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure
Liquidsnake?
Are you a Metal gear Solid fan? You must be. Look I just gotta say something.
I've never played a Metal Gear game and I hope I never have to. The fanbase seems absolutely disgusting and if I'm being completely honest you all seem ineducated. How the fuck can you like writing so bad? I know it's only video game but come the fuck on.
>The game is about sneaking
>The protagonist is called ''Solid Sneak''
>The final boss is evil
>The antagonist is called ''Bad Boss''
How the fuck can you listen to that bullshit? Is it just really poorly translated?
Arkos
Nose how to spell and rede to
A guy sits next to a woman on a plane. Before takeoff she sneezes, takes a tissue, and wipes between her legs. What the fuck? he thinks.
It happens a few more times. He eventually says Ma'am, excuse me for asking but what are you doing?
I'm sorry, she says, I have a rare condition where I have an orgasm every time I sneeze.
Oh no I apologize, he says. What are you taking for that?
She says, Black pepper.
It happens a few more times. He eventually says Ma'am, excuse me for asking but what are you doing?
I'm sorry, she says, I have a rare condition where I have an orgasm every time I sneeze.
Oh no I apologize, he says. What are you taking for that?
She says, Black pepper.
Arkos
Nose how to spell and rede to
Bahaha the goat. This one always works for me:
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now I can't find him.
Joe Shlabotnik
Banned
Two whales are at a bar. The first one says
[make whale sounds for an uncomfortably long time]
The second one says, "Frank, you're drunk."
[make whale sounds for an uncomfortably long time]
The second one says, "Frank, you're drunk."
TimeEffect
Member
wanderingprostheyltite
Member
Google the Norm Macdonald moth joke. I'd post the link but the site that hosts it may be banned here, not sure. NBC were fucks and took it down from youtube cause it was during Conan's brief run on The Tonight Show before Jay took it from him. Gotta keep that brand image consistent and all that.
Lucky Forward
Member
CountAntonius
Member
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
Once I saw this wino who was eating grapes, and I said, "Dude, you have to wait".
-Mitch Hedberg
Once I saw this wino who was eating grapes, and I said, "Dude, you have to wait".
-Mitch Hedberg
A guy goes to the doctor and says:
"Doc, I'm very concerned about my penis! It's turned orange! I don't know what the hell is happening and I'm scared!"
Doctor says:
"An orange penis? That's a first for me. Is it painful?"
Patient:
"No, it doesn't hurt I'm just freaked out that it's orange!"
Doctor:
"Well ok, have you traveled lately?"
Patient:
"No, I dont like traveling, I prefer to stay home. I even work at home."
Doctor:
"What do you do for a living?"
Patient:
"I go over insurance claims on a company laptop."
Doctor:
"What do you do in your free time? What are your hobbies?"
Patient:
"Not much, really. Just been hanging out watching movies and eating Cheetos."
"Doc, I'm very concerned about my penis! It's turned orange! I don't know what the hell is happening and I'm scared!"
Doctor says:
"An orange penis? That's a first for me. Is it painful?"
Patient:
"No, it doesn't hurt I'm just freaked out that it's orange!"
Doctor:
"Well ok, have you traveled lately?"
Patient:
"No, I dont like traveling, I prefer to stay home. I even work at home."
Doctor:
"What do you do for a living?"
Patient:
"I go over insurance claims on a company laptop."
Doctor:
"What do you do in your free time? What are your hobbies?"
Patient:
"Not much, really. Just been hanging out watching movies and eating Cheetos."
thesuperfunk
Member
Why did the other monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the dead one.
And now the only joke I can ever seem to remember ...
What's black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
John Kowalski
Banned
the pleasure of being come'd in side
Orbis Tabula
Member
How do you fit four elephants in a Volkswagon?
How do you fit five elephants in a Volkswagon?
How can you tell if there is an elephant in your refrigerator?
How can you tell if there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
How can you tell if there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
How can you tell if there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
Two in front, two in back.
How do you fit five elephants in a Volkswagon?
Two in front, two in back, one in the glove box.
How can you tell if there is an elephant in your refrigerator?
Elephant tracks in the butter.
How can you tell if there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
You can't close the door.
How can you tell if there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
There is no door.
How can you tell if there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
There's a Volkswagon parked outside.
NYCmetsfan
Banned
I did not get that context from it lol
I was telling that joke about "What do you do if there's an epileptic in your bathtub" (You know: "Throw in your laundry." Ha, ha.), and a teary-eyed guy poked me on the shoulder and said, "You know, mister, that's not funny at all. My son was an epileptic and died in the bathtub."
I was very embarrassed, apologized and asked about his son. I found out he was only six. I asked if he'd bumped his head before he drowned or something, and the man said, "No, he choked on a sock."
Liquidsnake
Banned
Are you serious?
John Kowalski
Banned
wow brb cutting along not across
Best joke in the thread.
farmerboy
Member
That got a slight giggle out of me.
Arkos
Nose how to spell and rede to
This is hilarious
farmerboy
Member
Man walks into a bar and spots a donkey in the corner.
"What's the deal with this donkey?"
Barman replies, "Just a bit of fun, we're having a bet and whoever can make the donkey laugh gets the money"
"No worries" says the man, "I'll give it a shot"
So he goes over to the donkey and whispers something in his ear. The donkey spits out its oats and starts laughing uncontrollably.
"Well I don't know how you done it but here's the money", says the barman.
A week later the man returns to find the donkey still laughing. He walks up to the bar and asks the barman what's going on.
Barman replies, "This bloody donkey hasn't shut up all week, it's driving us nuts. So we got a new bet, whoever can shut him up gets the dough."
So the man takes the donkey around the corner. When they come back the donkey's ears are all droopy and the poor thing's crying. You never seen a donkey so sad.
The barman's incredulous. "Mate, I don't know how you done it, but here's the money. Please, tell me how you did it".
"Well", said the man, "First time to make him laugh I told him that I had a bigger dick than him"
"And the second time I showed him".
"What's the deal with this donkey?"
Barman replies, "Just a bit of fun, we're having a bet and whoever can make the donkey laugh gets the money"
"No worries" says the man, "I'll give it a shot"
So he goes over to the donkey and whispers something in his ear. The donkey spits out its oats and starts laughing uncontrollably.
"Well I don't know how you done it but here's the money", says the barman.
A week later the man returns to find the donkey still laughing. He walks up to the bar and asks the barman what's going on.
Barman replies, "This bloody donkey hasn't shut up all week, it's driving us nuts. So we got a new bet, whoever can shut him up gets the dough."
So the man takes the donkey around the corner. When they come back the donkey's ears are all droopy and the poor thing's crying. You never seen a donkey so sad.
The barman's incredulous. "Mate, I don't know how you done it, but here's the money. Please, tell me how you did it".
"Well", said the man, "First time to make him laugh I told him that I had a bigger dick than him"
"And the second time I showed him".
- Status