Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.

Status
Not open for further replies.
This was my ex's response after my message from last night:

"This really sucks. I'm back at the place where all I can think about is the good again. We were so in love and so happy. That is so rare!

We can't do this though. Now it will hurt more than ever.

If I'm ever in New York, can we hangout? Promise me."

I think I'm just going to tell her that it's clear we are on different pages, I've been consistent that I see a way forward where we rebuild, grow and learn from what were relatively minor obstacles considering how extremely difficult relationships are and the only thing she has been consistent on is that she sees it as doomed. and that it's not a good idea to make any promises because I need to move on.

Hold me gaf :(

Stay strong bro. Dont give in to it. This is what my first ex did to me years ago and I regret ever giving her the attention. Dont promise her anything.
 
This is my situation. I think I'm just gonna dive on tinder and look for something not so serious. I just hate the feeling of being alone

Yeah I'll probably do the same. In like a month, maybe. I want to start going on dates now, but I also want to wait until after I move out, because dating while at my parent's house is weird. I was able to do it in high school because what choice did I have, but now it's not great
 
This was my ex's response after my message from last night:

"This really sucks. I'm back at the place where all I can think about is the good again. We were so in love and so happy. That is so rare!

We can't do this though. Now it will hurt more than ever.

If I'm ever in New York, can we hangout? Promise me."

I think I'm just going to tell her that it's clear we are on different pages, I've been consistent that I see a way forward where we rebuild, grow and learn from what were relatively minor obstacles considering how extremely difficult relationships are and the only thing she has been consistent on is that she sees it as doomed. and that it's not a good idea to make any promises because I need to move on.

Hold me gaf :(
Dude, she's using you and your emotions. Don't respond and block her. The only acceptable response is saying "no" and nothing else if you feel you must respond. She's going to make you promise and all that until she doesn't need you as her safety blanket and then she'll cut you off. Don't get sucked into that.
 
This was my ex's response after my message from last night:

"This really sucks. I'm back at the place where all I can think about is the good again. We were so in love and so happy. That is so rare!

We can't do this though. Now it will hurt more than ever.

If I'm ever in New York, can we hangout? Promise me."

I think I'm just going to tell her that it's clear we are on different pages, I've been consistent that I see a way forward where we rebuild, grow and learn from what were relatively minor obstacles considering how extremely difficult relationships are and the only thing she has been consistent on is that she sees it as doomed. and that it's not a good idea to make any promises because I need to move on.

Hold me gaf :(

She doesn't know what she wants. It's time to figure out what you want. Moving away is literally moving on. Yes you had good times. Emphasis on "had". It's not going to work out, and you've done your best.

It's going to hurt, but it'll fade with time.
 
She doesn't know what she wants. It's time to figure out what you want. Moving away is literally moving on. Yes you had good times. Emphasis on "had". It's not going to work out, and you've done your best.

It's going to hurt, but it'll fade with time.

Dude, she's using you and your emotions. Don't respond and block her. The only acceptable response is saying "no" and nothing else if you feel you must respond. She's going to make you promise and all that until she doesn't need you as her safety blanket and then she'll cut you off. Don't get sucked into that.

Stay strong bro. Dont give in to it. This is what my first ex did to me years ago and I regret ever giving her the attention. Dont promise her anything.

This sounds mean, but maybe you should block her. All this is doing is hurting you.

Man, that is pretty messed up. What kind of person spews about being in so love with you and happy and then a sentence later is like "lol yeah btw though, nothing can ever happen". Yeah, I don't see any benefit in you meeting up with her. Tough it out brother!

Thanks for the responses, I responded but basically said I'm not making any promises and I'm moving on. If she responds again I'm not responding and may block her. Again, thanks everyone. It actually helps me to know that she might be using my emotions because it shatters the illusion I had in my head of how perfect she was. Now it feels more like good riddance.

edit: and here was her last response:

"Okay. I am going to miss you so much...

Bye <name>. I can't really let you go, but I have to. :(

Seriously, I wish you the best in life and your future. I know you'll do incredible things."

Not once did she attempt to explain anything, just all of this logical incoherence and utter crap. Not going to respond.
 
Propose a day (or give two options) and place. If she can't that day, she'll just give you her availabilities. Be assertive, not wishy-washy.
 
So uh,

There was this girl I was crazy into about a year and a half ago. Long story short, she got cold feet. Wasn't sure about how she felt about me. I had never been good about those kinds of situations, so instead of being my usual self and burning the bridge, I told her the ball was in her court if she ever wanted to take things more seriously.

I haven't heard from her until today, where I get a text with her apologizing for treating me that way and seeing if I'd like to catch up with her.

I'm not as crazy into her as I was obviously, but it'll be nice to see her again. I think that's the first time anyone has actually not just cut off contact with me if stuff hasn't worked out.
 
You really shouldn't be dating. I've read your posts in this thread and they're misguided at best, creepy at worst. You don't "find" girls like you're walking in tall grass looking for Pokemon. Learn to interact with girls, get to know them as friends, and then consider dating.

Thinking someone is gay for not dating is a terrible if not offensive mindset. Tell your family to back off.
But I do have female friends. @op I dropped it.

Sorry for the late reply.
 
Re: Taking it slow when in the early phase of getting to know someone

On Tuesday I asked her if she wanted to go to a pub to watch the SF Giants play. She said that would sound great, but she had after works dinner plans with her coworkers and a vendor that was in town. I said that's fine, we can do that some other time. She did suggest next Wednesday as a time to get together. It'll be a group of us and we've all hung out before so, it's not like it'll be a foreign situation for either of us.

To backtrack a little, part of our convo about taking it slow surrounded not doing fancy stuff like going to expensive restaurants. Our second time out together was a trip into the city to check out a fancy Indian restaurant. In her words, that was a nice gesture, but too much of a big deal so early one.

Now, the third time we hung out and where things were accelerating too quickly for her, started by her asking me what my dinner plans were on a lazy Saturday. We ended up at burger place near where she was housesitting for the weekend which was fine. I remember during that drive that she mentioned Subway as a potential place that afternoon.

Should I see if she's interested in going to Subway tomorrow after work? or just leave it alone and wait until Wednesday to see her again in a casual environment?

For better or worse, I'm guessing the latter is the best option since that's the level of comfort she wants at this point.
 
I feel like some of you guys need to watch some videos of Tom Cruise as Frank T.J. Mackey. These girls are walking all over a few of you.
 
Hey guys. I have a question and a scenario that I would like to pose to you.

Backstory: I recently became very talkative with girls, not affraid of asking them out, flirting, and in case it actually works for some reason it ends up in this casual shallow open relationships (mostly in a fuckbuddy/ one night stand kind of way) but I've taken huge interest in a girl with serious relationship intentions intentions and this is about that.

I was bored one night so I message a girl I knew but never talked to if she wants to hang out. She said sure and we hanged out that night and the night after. I got a pretty good idea of how she is and based on her interests and things she does she really got my interest, so I wanted to ask her out on a date. I alluded to us going out (just the 2 of us) somewhere nice and cozy in the weekend, but she just dodged the messages. We went to the club on Friday with some friends of mine and hers and when drunk I was still not 100% sure if she was just dodging me asking her out or if I'm just seeing things.I Mostly wanted to get closure. She tells me that I really am a great guy but she just left a long-time relationship and she needs to figure shit out first, but she really wants to hang out with me. Fine.

After that, I wanted to get in contact with her before things get stale to show her that yes, I can be friends with her. I eventually went out with her alone( she asked me out), but before going out with her that day, I asked her a few times just to show her that I can be mature and that we CAN be friends. She told me she wants to play it safe so she has to decline for now regarding going out just with me. I brushed it off. Anyway, when we eventually went out just the 2 of us, we watched a foreign documentary outdoors, drank wine, it was all nice, after which we talked some more in the park.

At some point I was like "hey, am I initiating all conversation? I'll let her message me first today and see if it's in my head". She messages me, nice! Don't know if this is relevant, but it's part of my thought process

Ok, now is where I have trouble: I'm perfectly fine with being friends with her, she is a great person to hang around with, but what if there might be something? By that I mean, do you guys think it is fine for me to flirt with other girls when I go out with her? After all, we are just friends.. right? I have talked to a ladyfriend of mine and she told me that it is NOT FINE for me to do that in the case that she might be doing a push-pull kind of thing and in case she was just truthfull and just needs more time to figure out if she can date me, as opposed to not interested at all.

What do you guys think? I'm fine and happy that she wants to be friends, but of course I'd be happier if I could date her. I think I can maintain my integrity, I usually get attached/lose interest really fast if I try hard enough. Am I cockblocking myself by thinking that there might be something and not flirting and hitting on other girls while I'm out with her? Should I do something about her?
 
Ok, now is where I have trouble: I'm perfectly fine with being friends with her, she is a great person to hang around with, but what if there might be something? By that I mean, do you guys think it is fine for me to flirt with other girls when I go out with her? After all, we are just friends.. right? I have talked to a ladyfriend of mine and she told me that it is NOT FINE for me to do that in the case that she might be doing a push-pull kind of thing and in case she was just truthfull and just needs more time to figure out if she can date me, as opposed to not interested at all.

What do you guys think? I'm fine and happy that she wants to be friends, but of course I'd be happier if I could date her. I think I can maintain my integrity, I usually get attached/lose interest really fast if I try hard enough. Am I cockblocking myself by thinking that there might be something and not flirting and hitting on other girls while I'm out with her? Should I do something about her?

But you DON'T want to be just friends with her. Realize that first.

I wouldn't even go out with her. For lack of a better term, you are friend zoned now and no amount of charm or showing that you can be friends is going to help that. Go out and meet other girls. You don't need to be dealing with this wishy washy nonsense.
 
But you DON'T want to be just friends with her. Realize that first.

I wouldn't even go out with her. For lack of a better term, you are friend zoned now and no amount of charm or showing that you can be friends is going to help that. Go out and meet other girls. You don't need to be dealing with this wishy washy nonsense.

Thanks for taking time to read and provide a reply! It really was an eye opener even though I don't believe in that whole friend zone thing.

I want to be friends with her, she's cool, I need more friends, I just wanted to try something more because why not. Like I said, I get over those type of things very easily.

I recently moved to a different country and my group of friends is currently unfortunately limited, so even just extending it would be fine. But thanks for making me realize that I can go on further and date other girls, we'll probably hang out some other times but I'll tone it down and brush it off as an awkward experience.

Is this a wrong attitude to have? why/why not?
 
Just don't hold out hope for anything more. Be friends, that's fine. But be true to yourself - if you don't want to be friends, then stop hanging out as friends. Date other girls.
 
Hey guys. I have a question and a scenario that I would like to pose to you.

Backstory: I recently became very talkative with girls, not affraid of asking them out, flirting, and in case it actually works for some reason it ends up in this casual shallow open relationships (mostly in a fuckbuddy/ one night stand kind of way) but I've taken huge interest in a girl with serious relationship intentions intentions and this is about that.

I was bored one night so I message a girl I knew but never talked to if she wants to hang out. She said sure and we hanged out that night and the night after. I got a pretty good idea of how she is and based on her interests and things she does she really got my interest, so I wanted to ask her out on a date. I alluded to us going out (just the 2 of us) somewhere nice and cozy in the weekend, but she just dodged the messages. We went to the club on Friday with some friends of mine and hers and when drunk I was still not 100% sure if she was just dodging me asking her out or if I'm just seeing things.I Mostly wanted to get closure. She tells me that I really am a great guy but she just left a long-time relationship and she needs to figure shit out first, but she really wants to hang out with me. Fine.

Sounds like she is still trying to figure you out. Do your friends know you've been in open relationships, fuckbuddies sort of things? Might be she doesn't believe the stories about you. If you are known to be a "fast" guy and then you didn't pull any move the first two times you went out with her, you came off as inconsistent.

After that, I wanted to get in contact with her before things get stale to show her that yes, I can be friends with her. I eventually went out with her alone( she asked me out), but before going out with her that day, I asked her a few times just to show her that I can be mature and that we CAN be friends. She told me she wants to play it safe so she has to decline for now regarding going out just with me. I brushed it off. Anyway, when we eventually went out just the 2 of us, we watched a foreign documentary outdoors, drank wine, it was all nice, after which we talked some more in the park.

At some point I was like "hey, am I initiating all conversation? I'll let her message me first today and see if it's in my head". She messages me, nice! Don't know if this is relevant, but it's part of my thought process

I don't understand clearly here but if you are asking yourself if you are initiating all conversations, that's you telling yourself to cut down on the number of messages.

Ok, now is where I have trouble: I'm perfectly fine with being friends with her, she is a great person to hang around with, but what if there might be something? By that I mean, do you guys think it is fine for me to flirt with other girls when I go out with her?

YES. I think that's exactly the "proof" she is looking for.

After all, we are just friends.. right? I have talked to a ladyfriend of mine and she told me that it is NOT FINE for me to do that in the case that she might be doing a push-pull kind of thing and in case she was just truthfull and just needs more time to figure out if she can date me, as opposed to not interested at all.

That's the perfect way to loose her. Don't listen to the lady"friend", she isn't doing you any favours.

What do you guys think? I'm fine and happy that she wants to be friends, but of course I'd be happier if I could date her.

If you want to be friends, then be friends. If you want a relationship, go for it. If you are waiting for her to make the decision she'll drain all the validation she can from you and then drop the "I don't see you that way" when you are cooked.

I think I can maintain my integrity, I usually get attached/lose interest really fast if I try hard enough. Am I cockblocking myself by thinking that there might be something and not flirting and hitting on other girls while I'm out with her? Should I do something about her?

Make a decision on what you want and live with the consequences. That is, if you want to be friends make sure you can listen to her stories about the boys she going to like, date, and sleep with. If you want to be her boyfriend, make sure you can digest a possible (temporary) rejection.
 
Thanks for taking time to read and provide a reply! It really was an eye opener even though I don't believe in that whole friend zone thing.

I want to be friends with her, she's cool, I need more friends, I just wanted to try something more because why not. Like I said, I get over those type of things very easily.

I recently moved to a different country and my group of friends is currently unfortunately limited, so even just extending it would be fine. But thanks for making me realize that I can go on further and date other girls, we'll probably hang out some other times but I'll tone it down and brush it off as an awkward experience.

Is this a wrong attitude to have? why/why not?

I mean, if you can separate feeling you have from this girl to just having a fun friendship in which you can meet other women I say go for it. Don't hold out hope that you will ever be a thing though.

But absolutely go and date and talk to other girls. When someone tells you they want to be friends you should take that at face value. If they are doing a push pull thing then you really need not waste your time entertaining that stupidity. Date other girls, have fun. Also, do not talk about your dates with this girl amd do not allow your conversations with her to veer down that path.

Also, there 100% is a friendzone. The issue is that people do not know how to handle it. If you want a relationship with someone and they do not but keep you around knowing this, you are in the friendzone. Its a rather nasty thing people do where they play on emotions about how much they really like you so they can make you feel like you are being shallow if you don't stick around. The reality is a relationship no matter whether a friendship, a parent child, romantic can't be healthy if both parties are not totally satisfied with what they are getting out of it. So if a friendship with her is kust makibg you desire other things then you should not put yourself through that suffering. You don't owe anyome a friendship and you should not feel bad about not wanting to give it
 
So where's a good place to meet late 20s early 30s women that doesn't revolve around alcohol, but the women also aren't religious?

I ask because I'm bored with the OK Cupid in my area and I'm at a loss.

Met a really nice girl last night, we hit it off Instantly.

...


Turns out she's gay. Damnit :/

Hahaha, I have that same problem. I can kick mad game to lesbians for some reason.
 
Met a really nice girl last night, we hit it off Instantly.

...


Turns out she's gay. Damnit :/
Maybe she has a single friend to introduce you to then!
OSfrog.png
 
@Noclue

Absolutely 100% flirt with other girls. The current girl does not like you, no point in pursuing her any further. Why limit yourself when its obvious she's not physically into you? Move on, dude.

@ReturnoftheRAT

Can you provide some backstory? Based just on your last post, I'd say move on. Is she an ex of yours or someone you started dating? I never buy the whole "let's move things slower" suggestion, its generally code for "I'm not interested in you". Her hesitation to go to expensive places is probably because she feels bad for making you waste money, when she knows deep down she's not fully interested in you. Just my hunch.
 
So in a previous post i said i wanted to ask this girl out for drinks but due to unforeseen consequences i had to wait a while but , i wanted to ask , would it be OK to give this girl my number along with an written invitation for drinks if it turns out she is too busy ?

As far as i see it , i put the ball in her court to either accept it or ignore it without putting her under pressure .
 
I got a girls number a couple months ago, I was very forward in wanting to meet her but she let me know over text that she wasn't looking for anything so I moved on. Just recently we matched on Tinder, she messaged me 'so we meet again'. Yesterday I told her we should meet for coffee today but no response.

Am I still being to forward...? I'm much more comfortable talking with someone face to face I feel and would rather just get to the point
 
@ReturnoftheRAT

Can you provide some backstory? Based just on your last post, I'd say move on. Is she an ex of yours or someone you started dating? I never buy the whole "let's move things slower" suggestion, its generally code for "I'm not interested in you". Her hesitation to go to expensive places is probably because she feels bad for making you waste money, when she knows deep down she's not fully interested in you. Just my hunch.

Longish post incoming:

We've traveled in the same circles for the past 3 years or so. Only starting this May have we started hanging out in a group situation. Since its a friendly group of people, many subjects are discussed including relationships, work, life etc. That very day I brought up how I was seeing someone else who was doing the fade on me and not showing interest. I'm sure I posted in this thread in early June that I wanted to take her to my favorite place in the Bay Area and she didn't even respond. I talked about it with the group and the woman who's the subject of this post advised me to delete her # and not followup if she didn't respond by the end of the day. What do you know? the person never responded, so I deleted her.

A couple of week past and once again in that friendly situation movies were a topic. I asked my adviser :p if she would be interested in going to one of those luxury theaters in San Francisco. She said yes. I asked for her number and a week later we made plans for a weekend get together.. I picked her up at a mall in her town and we drove up to SF. We talked about prior relationships, how dating was expensive, and she revealed that "she isn't a fan of dating" and "isn't very good at it." Fair enough imo. We both agreed this was a friendly outing and not a date. In fact, "dating" is a word neither of us wanted to us. That luxury experience went well and we ended up with a long hug in my car before going our separate ways.

After this we were texting a bunch, even calling each other when a text conversation who be smoother via talking. One day while I was bored at my car dealership I asked her about her food preferences. I was a bit confused by a conversation at one of the group outings, so I was seeking some clarification. She told me what the deal was and I said lets make dinner plans one night. So we did and took public transportation into SF this time. Yes, the restaurant was fancy and the bill was high, but we split it. That was another really good time and I put my arm around her as we left to catch our train back. We talked about what we were doing and it's new and what would our friends think. Nevertheless, we got back to our destination and before getting in our cars we had 3 quick kisses on the lips and departed for the night.

Again, after this more texting and phone conversations. Nothing of the sexual nature mind you.

I guess it was took weeks ago today, that she was housesitting and and asked me about my dinner plans. Just by happenstance I was nearby that afternoon, so I dropped by the house picked her up and we grabbed a bite quickly. Maybe an hour out, before going back to that house and watching parts of X-Men, We're The Millers, and Law & Order whilst making out a couple of times. The night ended with a long kiss and her telling me to text her when I got home. I got home safe and that's when I dropped the, "Good night sweetie" line on her. She responded right away with "Good night my name."

The following day, Sunday, was a low tech day (her words) for her. Just lounging around the pool and housesitting before the owners came back that night.

Monday to Wednesday our texting conversations were short. I wanted to call her again, but she said Thursday would work best. That's when we did and the "let's be on the same page, take it slow, get to know each other better" conversation took place. I told her I understood where she's coming from, apologized for the sweetie comment, blaming it on being happy with how things that Saturday from before and during my time with her went.

We said have a good weekend to each other. She was finally getting a nice weekend to herself so I let her be. I did get buttdialed by her over that weekend that led to some awkwardness. She texted me the following day to say it was a mistake with her phone being weird and she said it was an accident. I told her to not worry about it and she said no worries.

This week I tried to make a plan on Tuesday night for a simple pub get together and she was busy that night and she really was, mind you. She offered to see each other again next Wednesday when we all get together again. I'm going along with that and trying to follow the pace she's comfortable with. Some small talk on Tuesday and Thursday. She's working today and I haven't reached out.

I think I should note that she's going away for just about 3 weeks in late August/early September. Maybe that's why I was or am still being too eager to push things forward.
 
@ReturnoftheRAT

I've emphasized key moments where it was very obvious that she did not like you in that way. And still does not.

"she isn't a fan of dating" and "isn't very good at it." Fair enough imo. We both agreed this was a friendly outing and not a date. In fact, "dating" is a word neither of us wanted to us.
There's your answer. Nobody truly isn't a "fan of dating", that's always just an excuse. If she's a girl that's single then she definitely wants to meet someone at some point. Its not you.

Yes, the restaurant was fancy and the bill was high, but we split it.
A girl who likes you will want you to treat her out. Its symbolic because it tells the girl that she's being courted and woo'ed. Exceptions exist but a girl will secretly want you to pay in the early stages of dating.

That was another really good time and I put my arm around her as we left to catch our train back.
Here's where you fucked up. You both previously agreed you didn't want to date. You broke that by suddenly introducing some intense romance. No good. Never do this. If you want to change the game, try it with sexual flirting. If that doesn't work, its not meant to be.

Again, after this more texting and phone conversations. Nothing of the sexual nature mind you.
You should have flirted with some sexual innuendo thrown in to change everything. Up until putting your arm around her you guys were just "bros" going for food.

I got home safe and that's when I dropped the, "Good night sweetie" line on her. She responded right away with "Good night my name."
That's like you saying "I love you" to a girl, and getting back a "thanks" in response. The signals are there, you're just not opening your eyes enough.

That's when we did and the "let's be on the same page, take it slow, get to know each other better" conversation took place.
A girl who likes you will not want to move that slow.

I think I should note that she's going away for just about 3 weeks in late August/early September. Maybe that's why I was or am still being too eager to push things forward.
There is literally no point in pushing. You're the only one pushing, she's made her interest in you known from the very beginning. Its an absolute lost cause. Move on, dude. Let her go away for three weeks, you need to meet some other girls.

I'm certain everyone else here will tell you the same thing. Question is are you actually ready to move on? As I said, analyze what I've written. But truly analyze it and ask yourself if a girl who likes you would preface everything with saying she doesn't like dating. Hope this helps.
 
A girl who likes you will want you to treat her out. Its symbolic because it tells the girl that she's being courted and woo'ed. Exceptions exist but a girl will secretly want you to pay in the early stages of dating.
I disagree with this. While it may be some kind of norm in the US, I seriously doubt all girls, or even a great majority of them, want this. Here in Sweden it definitely isn't though.
 
Hey guys. I have a question and a scenario that I would like to pose to you.

Backstory: I recently became very talkative with girls, not affraid of asking them out, flirting, and in case it actually works for some reason it ends up in this casual shallow open relationships (mostly in a fuckbuddy/ one night stand kind of way) but I've taken huge interest in a girl with serious relationship intentions intentions and this is about that.

I was bored one night so I message a girl I knew but never talked to if she wants to hang out. She said sure and we hanged out that night and the night after. I got a pretty good idea of how she is and based on her interests and things she does she really got my interest, so I wanted to ask her out on a date. I alluded to us going out (just the 2 of us) somewhere nice and cozy in the weekend, but she just dodged the messages. We went to the club on Friday with some friends of mine and hers and when drunk I was still not 100% sure if she was just dodging me asking her out or if I'm just seeing things.I Mostly wanted to get closure. She tells me that I really am a great guy but she just left a long-time relationship and she needs to figure shit out first, but she really wants to hang out with me. Fine.

After that, I wanted to get in contact with her before things get stale to show her that yes, I can be friends with her. I eventually went out with her alone( she asked me out), but before going out with her that day, I asked her a few times just to show her that I can be mature and that we CAN be friends. She told me she wants to play it safe so she has to decline for now regarding going out just with me. I brushed it off. Anyway, when we eventually went out just the 2 of us, we watched a foreign documentary outdoors, drank wine, it was all nice, after which we talked some more in the park.

At some point I was like "hey, am I initiating all conversation? I'll let her message me first today and see if it's in my head". She messages me, nice! Don't know if this is relevant, but it's part of my thought process

Ok, now is where I have trouble: I'm perfectly fine with being friends with her, she is a great person to hang around with, but what if there might be something? By that I mean, do you guys think it is fine for me to flirt with other girls when I go out with her? After all, we are just friends.. right? I have talked to a ladyfriend of mine and she told me that it is NOT FINE for me to do that in the case that she might be doing a push-pull kind of thing and in case she was just truthfull and just needs more time to figure out if she can date me, as opposed to not interested at all.

What do you guys think? I'm fine and happy that she wants to be friends, but of course I'd be happier if I could date her. I think I can maintain my integrity, I usually get attached/lose interest really fast if I try hard enough. Am I cockblocking myself by thinking that there might be something and not flirting and hitting on other girls while I'm out with her? Should I do something about her?

Welp, my thoughts are that you seem to be doing well at getting yourself out there and past the social awkwardness of breaking the ice, etc.

Since you now seem open to, and actually wanting a serious relationship- I think it would be a really good experience for you, if not a potentially permanent and life changing one. I also think, if you are serious about her, you should probably go quiet on other women you've been flirting and/or fooling around with. Even if she just has experience with one long-term relationship, she has more than you, and will have a good instinct on whether a man is into her for shallow reasons, or serious ones (and will withdraw from you in fear of being hurt if she thinks she's just another piece of ass to you). So if you want to be serious, that means quieting or ending your "affairs" with other women too.

The fact that she's going out of her way to let you know she is really interested in you, but keeps you at arms length so she doesn't let you get too close when she feels she may still be in Emotional Rebound Mode is a VERY good thing. A lot of people don't know themselves very well when a long term relationship is ending, and often unintentionally end up hurting people if they get involved with someone new too fast, when they're still adjusting.

Remember, be honest with yourself- the fact that you're capable of being her friend, especially when she's going through something like this in her life is really important. You not hovering like the Scummy Rebound Vulture (TM!) is a very, very good thing, even if you're not sure if you're ready for something serious.

If she were only interested in you in a sex/fuck buddy/rebound/shallow relationship sort of way, you probably would already know. Keep that in mind- she likely has long term, serious relationships, so take it slow, or don't bother pursuing something serious with her if you're not willing to consider the gravity of what that can mean for both of your lives. A lot of people aren't, their first time going in, I've noticed.
 
Hi GAF, I went out with a cute girl last night from salsa dancing class to a social event. We have been going to different social events for the past couple of weeks. We've had a great time talking for hours and sharing intimidate details of our lives. It was obvious there was chemistry.

Last night there was a big salsa event and she was very keen on going. I said we could get dinner before and she said sure and even offered to make dinner reservations. We were supposed to have dinner in an hour but ended up talking for over two hours.

We danced for almost three hours and flirted a bit as well. When it was time to go home, I went in for the kiss and she said no. I asked if this was a date and she said she wasn't sure and I left it at there. That was a it confusing as dinner and dancing on a Saturday night sounds like a date.

I just woke and was wondering if I should call or text and what should I say and if I should apologize for being a bit pushy. Personally I'm happy to let's things go this way if she wants more time as we are having a great time together.

Please advise GAF.
 
Hi GAF, I went out with a cute girl last night from salsa dancing class to a social event. We have been going to different social events for the past couple of weeks. We've had a great time talking for hours and sharing intimidate details of our lives. It was obvious there was chemistry.

Last night there was a big salsa event and she was very keen on going. I said we could get dinner before and she said sure and even offered to make dinner reservations. We were supposed to have dinner in an hour but ended up talking for over two hours.

We danced for almost three hours and flirted a bit as well. When it was time to go home, I went in for the kiss and she said no. I asked if this was a date and she said she wasn't sure and I left it at there. That was a it confusing as dinner and dancing on a Saturday night sounds like a date.

I just woke and was wondering if I should call or text and what should I say and if I should apologize for being a bit pushy. Personally I'm happy to let's things go this way if she wants more time as we are having a great time together.

Please advise GAF.

It legit sounds like you two had a good time, and it was a date- even if it was just building a friendship. She may simply be someone who takes things slow, or maybe doesn't like PDA's?

Try casually saying hi over text tomorrow?
 
It legit sounds like you two had a good time, and it was a date- even if it was just building a friendship. She may simply be someone who takes things slow, or maybe doesn't like PDA's?

Try casually saying hi over text tomorrow?

I'm wondering if I should address the issue and maybe apologize. I just remembered she had told me earlier she was just looking for someone to hang out with without any relationship pressure
 
I'm wondering if I should address the issue and maybe apologize. I just remembered she had told me earlier she was just looking for someone to hang out with without any relationship pressure

Yes. I'd apologize, but don't sweat it. I didn't understand that she was concerned about you looking to her for a relationship, potentially. Mayhaps say you got caught up in having a good night, felt warmly towards her?
 
I'm wondering if I should address the issue and maybe apologize. I just remembered she had told me earlier she was just looking for someone to hang out with without any relationship pressure

Yes. I'd apologize, but don't sweat it. I didn't understand that she was concerned about you looking to her for a relationship, potentially. Mayhaps say you got caught up in having a good night, felt warmly towards her?

Wow, I feel like he has nothing to apologize for. I'd just wait for her to text or call first.

Welp, my thoughts are that you seem to be doing well at getting yourself out there and past the social awkwardness of breaking the ice, etc.


If she were only interested in you in a sex/fuck buddy/rebound/shallow relationship sort of way, you probably would already know. Keep that in mind- she likely has long term, serious relationships, so take it slow, or don't bother pursuing something serious with her if you're not willing to consider the gravity of what that can mean for both of your lives. A lot of people aren't, their first time going in, I've noticed.

I also disagree with basically all of your advice here. He needs to find a girl that wants to date him, rather than wait on this one to possibly want to date him. Go out, have fun. Let her stew and deal with her issues. If she wants to date you at some point, OK. But that's on her, not on you to wait.
 
I agree with Zackie. Don't apologize, there's nothing to be sorry about. Based on her response to your question she was/is probably not interested. Granted, asking her whether it was a date or not showed uncertainty on your part. Don't contact her any further, let her contact you if she wants.
 
Ugh, I've been moving around too much this summer. NY>NJ>PA>NJ>GenCon>SF...Tinder is failing me and I don't have the energy for dating. I miss my Bangkok girls. Going back in Sept. Can't wait. Jelly of all you bros having a good time.
 
Wow, I feel like he has nothing to apologize for. I'd just wait for her to text or call first.

I don't feel he did anything wrong either, but sometimes it doesn't hurt to err on the side of caution if he unintentionally overstepped social boundaries with someone.


I also disagree with basically all of your advice here. He needs to find a girl that wants to date him, rather than wait on this one to possibly want to date him. Go out, have fun. Let her stew and deal with her issues. If she wants to date you at some point, OK. But that's on her, not on you to wait.

For certain. I intend the advice for when he does find himself in a place where there is real potential for a long term/serious relationship. I think it's great that he's getting out of his shell.
 
I don't feel he did anything wrong either, but sometimes it doesn't hurt to err on the side of caution if he unintentionally overstepped social boundaries with someone.




For certain. I intend the advice for when he does find himself in a place where there is real potential for a long term/serious relationship. I think it's great that he's getting out of his shell.

Yeah, and waiting on this "perfect" girl will put him back in. I've lived it! Set me back many years in my dating.
 
Another good point. I simply state what I think would help someone succeed if they're looking to be serious with someone.
 
I got a girls number a couple months ago, I was very forward in wanting to meet her but she let me know over text that she wasn't looking for anything so I moved on. Just recently we matched on Tinder, she messaged me 'so we meet again'. Yesterday I told her we should meet for coffee today but no response.

Am I still being to forward...? I'm much more comfortable talking with someone face to face I feel and would rather just get to the point

A great number of single girls are only interested in that part of courting. Some exchange of numbers, some texts, nothing more. They're building their ego. Nothing to do with actually getting to know people. I fear it is getting worse, it's today's culture (getting likes on facebook, instagram, etc).
 
Ok, so I've been away from this thread for a while but Ive shared the drama between me and my girlfriend for before...The stalker art collector, the crazy ex-husband key'ing my car, etc..

So as we go into month 3 of this tumultuous relationship I think weve encountered the biggest hurdle yet and I thought I would share/ask advice. Its very make or break for me.
Has to do with the age old question of "Can men and women JUST be friends?"


Lemme layout the whole story, and some added tidbits..this is gonna be long so bare with me. I really need insight and help with this..

Before we met she contacted a famous painter/tattoo artist to have work done. Shes a VERY beautiful girl and as expected she shot right in front of all his waiting list.
She admits she had an attraction to him at first before she met me.
Hes famous, rich, knows famous people, etc..

So, we met soon after and week before she met him for the first time to have the tattoo designed. I was kinda jealous then but it was week one and I didnt expect us to click at all. But, we did, and to be honest it feels like what people say about chemistry or fate.
Its love without a doubt, the connection is electric.

So as these months have progressed shes become actual friends with this guy. Texting a bunch about music or art. She also has procured the medium he paints in for him on two occasions.
She travels up to his shop/home every week or two for a 4-6 hour session on her almost 30 hour tattoo. They usually head to dinner afterwards but she promises its always been her and a third person, never the two alone for dinner.
I've bit my lip of natural male jealousy of her befriending him, texting back and forth, spending hours alone with him etc..

But things have come to a head with recent developments rubbing me the wrong way..

1. She says he sometimes can be flirty in text but never in person. She says she shrugs it off and its her common day to day problem with men.
2. Today he is coming down to see her. They are going to a convention where hes introducing her to a famous musician, they will be going to have dinner.
3. Next week they are going to a concert together, her favorite band since she was a kid where he will also introduce her to the lead singer.
4. I constantly have to here about this guy or here her tell people about him. Maybe its the "I have a famous friend" name drop thing but its tiresome hearing your GF talk about her rich and famous guy buddy.

These 3 things just dont sit right for me...Maybe if he wasnt flirty I could accept the other 2 but it seems things were tainted by it.

I have expressed my uncomfortable feeling about this and heres all the responses/reasons/answers she has gave me..

1. She says she loves me. She says no matter what loyalty is HUGE to her. 19 years with her husband and she was faithful
2. She says its absurd for me to think their lifestyles even mesh.
3. Shes only been with 3 men her whole life (including me) and its absurd for me think this is how she "operates" She actually broke up with me after the first time we had sex cause she felt "dirty" about it. We eventually figured out its just our chemistry, its like I said very electric and both os us feel a MASSIVE sexual tensions when we are together.
4. He dates a 22 year old stripper and is an ex-junkie..2 things that disgust her and she says while friends with him a relationship/sex disgust her.
5. As she said last night "I might be a beautiful woman but I'm 35 with 3 kids...hes famous and dates 22 year old strippers"
6. She says she talks to him constantly about me when shes their
7. She says hes immature. You know, an artist, no kids, dates 20 somethings etc..
8. She has told me about times shes deflected even chances that could be seen as wrong. Like him wanting to show her a painting in his room but her saying "No, you can bring it out to me"

I asked her what she wants from me...how I'm suppose to handle this as a man with a natural jealousy for any man she hangs out with/talks to..for her to sum it all up and this was her response to me last night..

"I want your trust. Your insecure and think everything is a slight against you. And to be honest your insecurity is a turn off. I am the best thing you'll ever have, I'm beautiful, smart, witty, educated and unique and your gonna drive me away and regret it. I am a 35 year old mother of 3 and hes a famous painter who dates 22 year old strippers, does that put things into perspective."

So thats where things stand. I guess in my head my paranoia sees her reasons why as maybe lip service. I guess I also worry about the what ifs...what if this friendship is just building the foundation for a relationship and Ill be tossed aside.

I will be honest, its hard to date her...Men cat-calling her, approaching her when we are out together, contacting her via social media.
Everyone LOVES to tell her "You guys dont look right together"...She wears all black and listens to death metal..I wear Wayfarers and listen to The Mars Volta..
But she clings to my arm when we are out...she told a gang of guys flirting with her and saying we dont look right together that I had a huge dick and am a beast in bed (seriously..big ego boost!) She talks me up to everyone we meet and makes me feel like a king..

Its just this guy, who people honestly would say is a perfect match for her in terms of look and interest, making me sick to my stomach paranoid..

I'm prob being an idiot, being insecure, acting like a child...but I think any male human or even animal has a slight bit of alarm when thier mate is associating with another male.
 
"I want your trust. Your insecure and think everything is a slight against you. And to be honest your insecurity is a turn off. I am the best thing you'll ever have, I'm beautiful, smart, witty, educated and unique and your gonna drive me away and regret it. I am a 35 year old mother of 3 and hes a famous painter who dates 22 year old strippers, does that put things into perspective."
Yeah, there's just so much wrong with your relationship I wouldn't even know where to begin. Just trust her.
 
"I want your trust. Your insecure and think everything is a slight against you. And to be honest your insecurity is a turn off. I am the best thing you'll ever have, I'm beautiful, smart, witty, educated and unique and your gonna drive me away and regret it. I am a 35 year old mother of 3 and hes a famous painter who dates 22 year old strippers, does that put things into perspective."

It sounds like an extremely tumultuous relationship. I'm outlining the same thing stn did. This isn't how trust is built. Being told you have to suck it up is not what a girlfriend does when one feels insecure. I don't think you should feel jealous towards all men. I get that her getting to know someone at the same time that you start dating is tough, but don't generalize that to 'men and women can't be friends'. Be reasonable with how you put this forward. It's OK for you to feel insecure, it's OK for you to not just sit back and relax when they're together. Tell her that. It's not because men and women simply can't be friends, but rather that you felt vulnerable for her falling for him, given the timing that they got to know each other. Tell her what makes you feel jealous, ask her if it's a big deal that he has famous friends. Most importantly, you should meet him. You'll know right away if you can relax or not.

The rest of it are things that is hard to convey to others. The attention she gets is something she likes to get. A friend of mine is currently involved with a girl that's just like that. He says "she just gets all that attention", but the truth is that, like in your case, she gets that attention because she likes it. I'm sure she likes rejecting them, too, and I'm sure it's good to get an ego-boost from it. I'm not saying girls should learn how to never get attention. All girls get attention. It's just the way they deal with it. The way she deals with it makes it clear to me that she enjoys it, and that's why people contact her and stuff. It doesn't mean she can't be trusted, it just means it's something you'll have to live with if you're with her. There are girls out there that are equally hot that don't get people hitting them up via social media. To me, it's a huge sign of insecurity. The things I quoted are huge red flags in the self-esteem department. She's very high on herself, and she is that because she constantly feeds her ego at your expense. You telling her it's tough has had her simply say 'suck it up', so she's apparently adamant in keeping it up.
 
It sounds like an extremely tumultuous relationship. I'm outlining the same thing stn did. This isn't how trust is built. Being told you have to suck it up is not what a girlfriend does when one feels insecure. I don't think you should feel jealous towards all men. I get that her getting to know someone at the same time that you start dating is tough, but don't generalize that to 'men and women can't be friends'. Be reasonable with how you put this forward. It's OK for you to feel insecure, it's OK for you to not just sit back and relax when they're together. Tell her that. It's not because men and women simply can't be friends, but rather that you felt vulnerable for her falling for him, given the timing that they got to know each other. Tell her what makes you feel jealous, ask her if it's a big deal that he has famous friends. Most importantly, you should meet him. You'll know right away if you can relax or not.

The rest of it are things that is hard to convey to others. The attention she gets is something she likes to get. A friend of mine is currently involved with a girl that's just like that. He says "she just gets all that attention", but the truth is that, like in your case, she gets that attention because she likes it. I'm sure she likes rejecting them, too, and I'm sure it's good to get an ego-boost from it. I'm not saying girls should learn how to never get attention. All girls get attention. It's just the way they deal with it. The way she deals with it makes it clear to me that she enjoys it, and that's why people contact her and stuff. It doesn't mean she can't be trusted, it just means it's something you'll have to live with if you're with her. There are girls out there that are equally hot that don't get people hitting them up via social media. To me, it's a huge sign of insecurity. The things I quoted are huge red flags in the self-esteem department. She's very high on herself, and she is that because she constantly feeds her ego at your expense. You telling her it's tough has had her simply say 'suck it up', so she's apparently adamant in keeping it up.

That really helps, thank you.

She offered to allow me to read all her texts messages when I want if need be...As much as I would love to I just cant do that.

I know she went through hell in her marriage. Her husband wouldn't allow her to work around me, didnt approve of her shaving her legs...and to be honest..
If she was going out with friends he would, as she said, "wear her out and mark her"...meaning he would make her perform sex acts multiple times prior to going out and would not allow her to clean her self off afterwards.

She says tho, in 19 years of the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse at his hands she always stayed faithful. She also said the barrage of men has made her less free with her sexuality having one partner in college and then her husband. She is disgusted by casual sex and a bit of a germaphobe. Like I said she dumped me the day after we had sex for the first time cause she felt dirty and down on herself. We talked it out and theirs no denying we have some explosive chemistry we both couldnt and cant control.
Having similar but differing backgrounds we spend sometimes 5 days a week together both saying theirs something missing when the other one is away.
 
A great number of single girls are only interested in that part of courting. Some exchange of numbers, some texts, nothing more. They're building their ego. Nothing to do with actually getting to know people. I fear it is getting worse, it's today's culture (getting likes on facebook, instagram, etc).
I can't have this mindset

Anyway she replied saying she'd love to meet but doesn't know when her next day off is. I think I will just ask her if she's free on one of my days off once more and then leave the ball in her court
 
That really helps, thank you.
She offered to allow me to read all her texts messages when I want if need be...As much as I would love to I just cant do that.
Bullet points because too many ideas to post.

1. Good that you're opting not to read her texts. A relationship shouldn't even get to that point.

2. My personal analysis--and I could be wrong, of course--is that she's still bitter about a previous relationship. That's why she constantly reminds you of how amazing she is. That's why her argument for why she wouldn't cheat on you with this new guy is that she's a 35 year old mother with kids. For all her confidence she screams insecurity.

3. You need to take over this relationship and be in charge. You have to take a stand and start being confident. People who are insecure want someone who isn't. Start being that guy.

4. How do you suddenly become confident? Tell her to go hangout with that guy. Stop fussing every time men hit on her. Stop whining to her about situations. Every time something happens, keep a straight face. Show it doesn't bother you. Fake it until its real.

5. Part of you being confident means you're going to have to trust her. You're going to have to throw your cards on the table. If that means she one day ends up banging this new guy, so be it. You'll learn from it. The current push-pull I see between the both of you is just unhealthy. She's constantly undermining your worth by making it clear how amazing she is, you're constantly undermining yourself by accepting it all.

6. You can't change people. And shouldn't bother trying. She's going to hangout with that guy no matter what, its up to you based on how you want to react to it.

Take charge, man. Seriously. Don't be a wimp.
 
So I was gonna have a coffee date with someone for the first time since my last girlfriend broke up with me two months ago and she bails on me. We met on OKC (spoke for like a month) and I logged in just to see if there was anything else she was gonna say, and there was a new message, which, in my experience usually means a bad thing 9 out of 10 times, and sure enough, she says she's just not feeling like meeting anyone at the moment.

Aw well.
 
Bullet points because too many ideas to post.

.

Great post, pretty much covers it all.

The OP has been insecure about this relationship from the beginning and was warned off. He doesn't seem to have gotten better and the serious baggage just continues to get heavier. I still stick with my original advice to bail. Seems like a disaster waiting to happen.

I can't have this mindset

Anyway she replied saying she'd love to meet but doesn't know when her next day off is. I think I will just ask her if she's free on one of my days off once more and then leave the ball in her court

You should have that mindset, because it happens. See below.

So I was gonna have a coffee date with someone for the first time since my last girlfriend broke up with me two months ago and she bails on me. We met on OKC (spoke for like a month) and I logged in just to see if there was anything else she was gonna say, and there was a new message, which, in my experience usually means a bad thing 9 out of 10 times, and sure enough, she says she's just not feeling like meeting anyone at the moment.

Aw well.

You fucked up.gif

A month of sending messages on OKC only to get a "not feeling like meeting anyone"? What a waste of time just so she could feel wanted. It's despicable.

That's why you move for a real-life meeting asap. Otherwise you're pen pals. If that's what you want,OK. But I have a feeling you wanted to date this girl. Should have figured out her intentions long ago.

There's one girl I talk to that does this stuff. But she sends me cute photos all the time and I don't care if we meet. I don't spend much time talking to her.

The ones I do like, I trade a few messages back and forth, then tell them I want to meet up for whatever. One recent one said she wanted to talk for a few months before meeting. No thanks! That's it.
 
A month of sending messages on OKC only to get a "not feeling like meeting anyone"? What a waste of time just so she could feel wanted. It's despicable.

That's why you move for a real-life meeting asap. Otherwise you're pen pals. If that's what you want,OK. But I have a feeling you wanted to date this girl. Should have figured out her intentions long ago.

There's one girl I talk to that does this stuff. But she sends me cute photos all the time and I don't care if we meet. I don't spend much time talking to her.

The ones I do like, I trade a few messages back and forth, then tell them I want to meet up for whatever. One recent one said she wanted to talk for a few months before meeting. No thanks! That's it.

Yup. I had a conversation last night about this with the girl I'm dating. We were talking about indefinites -- "let's hang out and do something sometime" is the quintessential one. Funnily enough, I was seeing someone else initially, and so we actually talked for a few weeks via OKC, though there were often several days' lag between our responses.

Anyway, once I got down to it, she mentioned being suitably impressed by my ability to make a plan, which involves a time, a location, and an activity. I imagine Zackie does the same, but you often earn points by framing the outing. "I want to take you out on a date. Let's meet at the taqueria at 8pm. We'll start with margaritas and guac and go from there." In fact, just calling something a date is apparently a welcome throwback, where people instead refer to it as hanging out. Screw that -- say that you want to date someone and take them out on dates.
 
Yes. It portrays confidence and the ability to get shit done, which is an attractive quality.

Also, I avoid answering messages immediately, particularly if they took forever to message me. The PUA rule is to take as long as they did to respond, I believe. There's some sense there - it makes it seem like you're not hanging on their every word and demonstrates that you have a life. No one wants a simp.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top Bottom