freenudemacusers
Member
You don't even wear slim chinos. You're already boring.
Why are you so boring? (to Tabris)
- Thread starter Tabris
- Start date
- Status
Yes because all parents can afford vacations their toddlers will never remember and baby sitters all the time. Kids bring a huge financial burden to most couples making it difficult to be a little selfish from time to time.
I agree you should keep yourself in mind, but in many situations that is extremely limited.
I'm a boring person to my single friends, especially the younger ones, but I'm perfectly OK with that as I get a lot more out of my life as a parent than I ever did before.
Calamari41
41 > 38
To be fair, the same principle applies to people who drone on and on about their PhD program, their law school classes, their job, etc. It's the same idea: something is taking up all of their time, and they use what little free time they can get to unload it all onto the people around them. Almost all of my friends who went through law school were insufferable during that time period. And now many of them only talk about the hours they're putting in at their jobs. I'd rather hear about kids any day.
blankempathy
Member
This is true too. All my friends somehow ended up working in education and I constantly hear about whats going on at their school district and about students because thats what they all do. People don't realize how much work kids are. Over time though they become more independent and parents have more and more free time to be less "boring". Ultimately if op is unhappy with the situation then he should go out and make new friends.
bob_arctor
Tough_Smooth
This thread has been interesting. I'm going out drinking tonight so I'll mention it my single friend. He's more mature than me in a lot of ways aside from his irrational fear of committment (and also more boring!) For me, going out acts as an outlet to let loose outside of my Husband/Father identity. Every now and then I need to get a little savage and that works in keeping me on point where it counts.
clubfoot
Member
So I'm at the age where some of my old friends are married and having their first children (early 30s) and without fail, the same truth always emerges - they become boring.
So first, caveat, I am not the best person as it'll probably won't be until I'm 40 before I have my first kid as currently I tend to only date women in their early 20s. But this also gives me a better perspective having my foot in both ponds (early 30s and early 20s) and I've just noticed this more and more.
I could never ask my friends this. And I know the answer will be about your time being prioritized around your child as they are the most important person in your life blah blah. I get that. I understand people not being able to go out as often if barely at all. I don't have an issue with that, I've had moments like that when I was doing part time school when I was younger and lately working on my startup.
The issue is that when they do get a chance to go out - they have nothing interesting to talk about anymore. We'll be at the bar and they'll just talk about either 1) the child and what's happening with them. 2) what they just watched on tv. Zzz.
It sounds so awful. I've told my friends, if I ever say "we're trying to have kids" to tell me this:
it might be boring to you but I assure you as a father of 4 young kids, their lives are anything but boring. Maybe they have nothing to say to you anymore because you are single and have no kids and can't relate. So quit being a douchey Mcdouche-face and either grow up and forget this petty garbage or maybe get some new friends that share in your life's priorities.
Warm Machine
Member
I didn't suggest you need to go on vacations, however a trip anywhere before they are 2 is a free flight and typically airlines will give the child a free seat for themselves.
The take away is that maintaining a sense of self and serving the parents interests are as important as serving the child's interests. Children like to be challenged and they also do well rolling with their parents so it isn't like they are not getting their own value from these sort of experiences.
Child care costs are astonomical where I live. $1300 a month to put my 1 year old daughter in day care. It is bananas.
Couples need time to remember why they are couples. We have an unfortunate situation where we have essentially zero family within 40 minutes from where we live so simple child care is next to impossible.
Simultaneously to all of the difficulties the emotional and happiness benefit to having a child is essentially unexplainable. I cannot put into words what it is like when your child says or does something that touches your heart and these events happen every day and differently all the time. There is no analogue to buying something cool or seeing a show or even being in a relationship with another person that comes close. It is something that you have to experience for yourself to actually get.
I think you are misusing the term friend
People who you settle into doing specific activities with due to your environment pushing you together, or because you had a hobby in common are not really friends
People who you have a genuine interest in, do new things together with, and maintain the relationship with despite obstacles that get in your way, those are friends.
The fact that you are willing to ditch two people because of their new higher priority responsibility, and the fact that you are seemingly nonplussed about the fact that they made time away from that responsibility to see you instead of just doing something by themselves kinda shows how lopsided the 'friendship' is.
Maybe Im wrong but its not the way I think about my long term friends, and I tend to think it plays a part in why I still have them.
Also why didnt you bring something to the table to talk about?
If these people are not interesting to you, maybe you have just grown apart and you need to move on. Plenty of fish in the sea.
People who you settle into doing specific activities with due to your environment pushing you together, or because you had a hobby in common are not really friends
People who you have a genuine interest in, do new things together with, and maintain the relationship with despite obstacles that get in your way, those are friends.
The fact that you are willing to ditch two people because of their new higher priority responsibility, and the fact that you are seemingly nonplussed about the fact that they made time away from that responsibility to see you instead of just doing something by themselves kinda shows how lopsided the 'friendship' is.
Maybe Im wrong but its not the way I think about my long term friends, and I tend to think it plays a part in why I still have them.
Also why didnt you bring something to the table to talk about?
If these people are not interesting to you, maybe you have just grown apart and you need to move on. Plenty of fish in the sea.
anarckitty
Member
Jesus Christ, dude. Where do you live?? I'm so sorry you have to pay that much. My daughter's childcare is $130 a week.
The Shadow
Member
Actually, this is true, at least for my wife and myself.
Early on we tried to hang out with some of our single or non-parent friends and all they could talk about is some restaurant they tried out, or some youtube art project they were working on, or some trivial shit at work. The more wild friends seemed to only have stories about really stupid and benign drama that could only upset someone who's life is devoid of any real meaning.
So yeah, perspectives change.
Warm Machine
Member
Vancouver, Canada. The daycare is 5 days a week 8-5pm. The cost goes down to $950 when they hit 2.5 years old and can get into the YMCA toddler daycare. My son, who is now in kindergarten still costs $400 a month for after school care which is between 3-6pm. So total we are spending $1700 a month in childcare costs. On the bright side we are lucky to have found my daughter a spot at all due to the insane demand here.
Why is everyone in this thread trying to assign blame to one side or the other? Is it not okay for people to simply grow apart as they age? If you find parents boring, then find some new friends with similar interests. If you are a parent and are annoyed that your child-less friends "just don't get it" then find some friends that have children.
Everyone finds different things boring. I'm sure GAF would be shocked to find out that many people find videogames boring!
It's okay to let friendships go, people.
Everyone finds different things boring. I'm sure GAF would be shocked to find out that many people find videogames boring!
It's okay to let friendships go, people.
TheRagnCajun
Member
I don't know, after 8 years of good income and no responsibilities I'd say that chapter of my life was getting pretty stale. I picked up hobbies, went on trips, bought plenty of toys...It starts to feel empty after a while. I can't imagine carrying on like that for another 8 years. What would I have accomplished?
It sounds more like your freinds have moved on with adulthood while you're still stuck in your 20s.
It sounds more like your freinds have moved on with adulthood while you're still stuck in your 20s.
Tbh, despite how much as I post here, I find most games mindnumbingly boring.
Can any parent really afford to go to a bar/club until 4am in the morning doing karaoke with a child at home that will be awake in a couple of hours? I doubt it. Can they even fob off their children to others to babysit whilst they get wasted in Vegas with you? I doubt it.
I don't think you appreciate the energy, time, emotions, money that goes into having a child. And this is coming from someone that's only 21 and still in university.
I don't think you appreciate the energy, time, emotions, money that goes into having a child. And this is coming from someone that's only 21 and still in university.
Don't kid yourself - they may well find your conversation boring. The reason you reminisce is that it is a topic in common. Same thing often happens when you run into a friend you haven't seen for a long time. You're both in different places in your life. I find conversations about how drunk a person got or their 'crazy' antics while they were wasted beyond dull. It's not that they don't have anything to add it's just that you're not interested in what they have to add.
Muffdraul
Member
The most stark example for me was my older sister. She was always so cool, into awesome music, smoked pot. Then she gets married and has a baby, and all of a sudden she starts going to church and spouting all of these stick-up-the-ass right wing talking points. Having a baby literally turned her into a completely different person almost overnight. It truly disturbed me. I went through a period of several years where I felt like I had the strong instinctive desire to settle down and have kids, but I never did and I think what I saw happen to her has something to do with it.
Between a fulltime job and raising a kid I don't have all that much free time. It's gotten much easier to just stay home in the weekends. I still do road biking to some degree but not nearly as much as before.
My life has never been busier and it's both frustrating and fulfilling. The issue you're having w/ your buddies sounds more like you not being able to relate to their current situation (imagine talking about Civ## to someone that plays nothing but FPSs), and also some miscommunication on both sides to get some mutual interest topics to talk about. Friendship does take more effort as adults, and that's true for both sides -- if there isn't interest in either, maybe it really is time to move on.
I don't hang out w/ friends nearly as often, but we still do get together. Sunday football, barbecues, disc golf when I can make it, ultimate in the summer. Just chilling at a bar has never been a huge thing for me and it's gotten even less so since it's difficult to get out at night. Activities are where it's at and perhaps it's very different in your case.
My life has never been busier and it's both frustrating and fulfilling. The issue you're having w/ your buddies sounds more like you not being able to relate to their current situation (imagine talking about Civ## to someone that plays nothing but FPSs), and also some miscommunication on both sides to get some mutual interest topics to talk about. Friendship does take more effort as adults, and that's true for both sides -- if there isn't interest in either, maybe it really is time to move on.
I don't hang out w/ friends nearly as often, but we still do get together. Sunday football, barbecues, disc golf when I can make it, ultimate in the summer. Just chilling at a bar has never been a huge thing for me and it's gotten even less so since it's difficult to get out at night. Activities are where it's at and perhaps it's very different in your case.
Mammoth Jones
Member
ITT a bunch of single guys who think they're
This is really it. We live in the social media age so people with overinflated egos pretend they're living the dream...
Thank you. My friend wanted to chill after work in the city and do happy hour and I had to decline. Can't drink, gotta commute home and then drive and pick up my kid and have her in bed by bedtime.
Being a fun party animal is nice but many people outgrow that shit. I don't wanna be the old man in the club...
Pilgrimzero
Member
We all grew up and started families.
Now i only physically see most of them maybe once per month at a end of the month board game thing we do.
Whats really been nice is using online audio/video chat stuff to play D&D with them on a weekly basis.
Now i only physically see most of them maybe once per month at a end of the month board game thing we do.
Whats really been nice is using online audio/video chat stuff to play D&D with them on a weekly basis.
OP, I kind of get you man but you need to understand that those people have different priorities and interests from your own and that's probably why you find them boring.
You just have to make friends with people who you find fun and relevant to your own interests (probably not parents for the most part - there are exceptions of course).
Why hang out with these people that you find boring when you could be doing something that you actually enjoy?
You just have to make friends with people who you find fun and relevant to your own interests (probably not parents for the most part - there are exceptions of course).
Why hang out with these people that you find boring when you could be doing something that you actually enjoy?
SNIP
I was you. Then i had a kid, and trust me parents think you are boring, your hobbies are pointless, and your life is trite.
Before my daughter, i snowboarded, rock climbed, always had a nice car, and played golf two to three times a week. Idont do any of this anymore, and I've really never neen happier.
Maybe its a dna trick that makes you love your child irrationally, but whatever it is, i get far more joy out of spending time with my daughter than i ever did with all that stuff I gave up.
Having a child is the best thing I've ever done, and no one can explain that to someone without kids.
TwEE-N-Toast
Banned
Why can't they just get their servants to watch their children?
So much to respond to in this thread, everyone is focusing on the small examples I made like going out to a bar or to a karaoke room (as the contrast). These are just examples of activities.
Some of the below are generalizations and it's not the same for everyone but I'm seeing these kinds of trends with some of my older friends.
It's how their activity interests change: dinner parties, game nights, and other boring shit. It's like there's some social convention that when you have children you can only plan these kind of events even though they take the same amount of time (or more for the person who has to slave over some dinner). Me and my girlfriend have been invited to a decent amount of these and it's so boring.
While my activity interests haven't narrowed. I am open for most things and like doing a bunch of different things always and not limiting myself. How I like to describe my interests is: experiences and moments. If you really need an itemized list on my interests, you're not understanding my point - but I'll give you another example other then Vegas, Bar, and Karaoke - snowboarding.
And again, it's about how their conversations change. They become the ones who are self-focused, because they can only converse about their world. I still talk to them about their kid and can make them feel like I'm interested. These are just my inner thoughts that I'm posting about here.
And for those say get new friends. I do have new friends - doesn't mean I don't care about my old friends and still want to spend time with them every so often. I just wish they wanted to do more exciting things with their free time and had more interesting things to talk about.
Some of the below are generalizations and it's not the same for everyone but I'm seeing these kinds of trends with some of my older friends.
It's how their activity interests change: dinner parties, game nights, and other boring shit. It's like there's some social convention that when you have children you can only plan these kind of events even though they take the same amount of time (or more for the person who has to slave over some dinner). Me and my girlfriend have been invited to a decent amount of these and it's so boring.
While my activity interests haven't narrowed. I am open for most things and like doing a bunch of different things always and not limiting myself. How I like to describe my interests is: experiences and moments. If you really need an itemized list on my interests, you're not understanding my point - but I'll give you another example other then Vegas, Bar, and Karaoke - snowboarding.
And again, it's about how their conversations change. They become the ones who are self-focused, because they can only converse about their world. I still talk to them about their kid and can make them feel like I'm interested. These are just my inner thoughts that I'm posting about here.
And for those say get new friends. I do have new friends - doesn't mean I don't care about my old friends and still want to spend time with them every so often. I just wish they wanted to do more exciting things with their free time and had more interesting things to talk about.
hey_it's_that_dog
benevolent sexism
Has anyone posted "because fuck you, OP, I'm tired"?
Seems like that should have been first post and every post.
Ps I hope you don't talk about snowboarding and think that's interesting.
Seems like that should have been first post and every post.
Ps I hope you don't talk about snowboarding and think that's interesting.
Read my reply a few posts up. While I can only speak for myself--nothing you can say, no experience, no activity is more fun, more rewarding or more interesting than interacting with or even just watching my daughter. Being tired plays into it, but more than that, I don't value spending the energy on those things anymore. It's not worth it monetarily or personally.
The cliches are true, it's life changing, and until that baby pops out, you cannot be made to understand. My old life seems sad and empty to me, and I cannot imagine going back to that.
I'd like to hear from a parent who doesn't feel this way because I cannot fathom myself being like this when I have kids. Fanatical devotion to ones children seems a pretty recent thing in society so I don't believe it's as universal as it appears in gaf threads. My parents had more of a "well this thing happened" mindset and made the best of it.
Someone who is like "yeah having kids is alright. Lots of work but it's worth it most of the time" would make me feel like not all parents are crazy people.
I don't understand why I couldn't possibly understand. Could someone try to explain?
It also seems quite frightening that those generally rewarding and fun past times you had before your child now seem empty and fruitless. That almost seems damaging to a person's personal growth.
I'm pretty close to OP's age, I'm not a millennial by any stretch. I couldn't fathom it either. I had kids when I was ready, not two years after I graduated from high school. I partied, traveled, and spent extravagantly, and it's all seems so meaningless to me now. What did any of that ever get me?
No one is saying have a kid with your next erection, but how long do you want to be the old guy pretending he's not?
Calamari41
41 > 38
I believe that part of this might be due to the much higher rates of both parents working these days compared to past generations. When both parents are away from the kid 8+ hours per day, they're going to try to "make up for lost time" as it were and devote everything else to them. Just a thought, anyway.
I know the people I'm asking to hear from exist. I see them on the subway and it's extremely obvious that their kids did not become their sole source of joy upon birth.
In some cases it seems the more joyful, happy, kidlike the child is, the more annoyed the parent gets. This is the opposite end of the spectrum, and I would also hope to not be that way.
DD-11 said:
"Sad and empty" is the exact description I'd give for a lot of parents I see
bigsnack
Member
Perfect.
You either did it wrong or don't understand the point - the point is the experiences.
Meaning of life is experiencing it and enjoying the individual moments. And I could do a lot more to experience it but I try to focus on that and try as many different things as possible.
You are looking for tangible things as the result of your experiences, but the result is you. You improve the you by expanding those experiences.
Mammoth Jones
Member
I mean, millennials aren't the first generation to have both parents working, lmao...
I think many parents have always been so focused on their children. They just didn't have social media expectations of a constant party lifestyle. Nothing wrong w/ working and being a parent and just chilling on the weekends. I enjoy it. Boring as it is. I'm tired as shit at the end of the week.
Always-honest
Banned
You're talking like someone who has never ever thought about life. Or about friendship.
I doubt any of your old "friends" actually cares. So best to just do what you like.
It's true that the first few years is all consuming when you have kids. It's also the most exciting thing ever for some.
They will find time to hang out and do stuff again. Just be there for them dude.
But to me they sound like a bunch of couchpotatos. Not all parents are like that. There is no reason why you couldn't go snowboarding if you have the money. You can still go to a bar at least once a week. So maybe they have other reasons for staying home.
I think it's very easy to become absorbed when you have young children. My youngest is now 14 and I certainly don't feel that way now. Not sure if I ever did really to the extent that you quoted.
Kids are great. They're your family and they're easy to love because they are essentially obsessed with you as a parent. At least in their younger years. It is easy to think or care about little else. But it is also easy to enjoy and conintue to learn about new things and experiences because you are introducing the world to your children as they grow.
Calamari41
41 > 38
Yeah, I should clarify that I didn't mean that it's only among millennials. I was thinking more since the 60's/70's, when women really started entering the work force in a big way. Basically as the child care industry has expanded, so has the over-devoted (as Tabris sees them) parents.
I'll try:
I see myself in her. I see my wife. I see my mother who has passed, and a little of my father-in-law. Watching her learn things is amazing. How she approaches problems, solves them. It's fascinating, and blows my mind how a 1 year old can be that smart--smarter than I am in so many ways. The way she looks at me in the morning, it's love in its purest sense. How she excitedly greets me when I come home from work or pick her up from day care. More love--more pure, intense and unconditional than any I've experienced.
In the end, it's a new life that is an echo of everyone I've ever loved in my life. Watching it happen in front of me, every day.
The rest of it is hard to explain. I laugh and smile and enjoy her more than I have anything in my life. I never got joy from golf or snowboarding. It was fun, exciting maybe, but it wasn't joy. I never cried because I was happy doing any of that stuff.
Sure, there are days when she's sick or not much fun, but those are a small price to pay.
Mammoth Jones
Member
I agree with this. Right now I'm a huge homebody. Caring for an 8 month old is really my main focus. And outside of that I like to go out w/ the wife and enjoy our time together. My friends are welcome to stop by any time but as we're saving for a house my days of running to the bar and dropping 100$ on drinks is over.
Thankfully my friends are my age (35) so they're either on the marriage/baby train or about to get their ticket punched, lol
Always-honest
Banned
Sure, but there are other things you like and still like aside from looking at your kid, right?
It's not hard to be a responsible loving parent AND still do things you like or liked.
Ofcourse i agree that my kid is the best thing that ever happened to me and it's really exciting to be with him and observe him for the reasons you said.
D
Deleted member 17706
Unconfirmed Member
Your friends were probably never interesting in the first place. You only had things to talk about because you did a lot of things together, but there was likely never anything of substance there.
woah woah woah, what? You pay almost as much as my monthly wage for a day care???
is this like, the Hilton of daycares?
evilromero
Member
If someone has nothing interesting to talk about now then it's most likely they didn't have anything interesting to talk about before.
D
Deleted member 17706
Unconfirmed Member
$1300 a month for full-time daycare (assumption) is actually on the cheap end of things.
remind me to only ever get nightcare if I should end up having kids
- Status