-
Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.
My ex wife is trying to destroy me...
- Thread starter ElfArmy177
- Start date
- Status
LookAtMeGo
Member
Holy fuck OP. You are living my worst nightmare. I really hope things get better for you. You said she used to talk about how she cheated on her ex all the time? What are the chances she cheated on you when you were together? If she did, would that change anything from a legal perspective? If it would, I would start to do some digging. Sorry if that sounds insensitive but I'm just trying to think of something that might help you.
Edit: wait what? She admitted to being unfaithful?
Edit: wait what? She admitted to being unfaithful?
Yesshe's an absolute animal in bed... Thst was also a factor... we would argue like crazy and then she would remove her clothing and pounce. It was like she got off to arguing with me. Pathetic... In fact we had huge arguments because I'd turn her down, and she would punch the wall or dresser screaming "I want to fuck!!!" And so I'd go downstairs and she would take her clothes off and masturbate on the couch near me to get me in the mood or grab me. Sex was great I guess but she was absolutely insane and told me she wanted sex so much because it was the only time she ever feels loved or wanted. Nightmare...
Her dad cheated on her mom and destroyed the marriage so she was beyond insecure. She was having sex with a 22 year old at 16 and when she used to work at dairy queen she would have sex in the back room on a daily basis with her manager. She had a train run on her at 17 and one of the guys was a second cousin or some crazy shit (she claims she didn't know).
She used to tell me she would cheat on her ex all of the time and love it when he got upset. Said she enjoyed it when men felt they were used by her...
I was told all of this after getting married.... It was too late then. She said "I just wanna be honest with you". Yea ok.. Thanks for telling me you're s huge whore after you got a ring. My own fault.. I saw the red flags, she could give a bj like a porn star... I'm an idiot
I am really sorry this is happening to you. There is a lot of advice here you should really look into. I don't want to add to your burdens but if she admitted of cheating on her ex she may have been doing it while you are married. You love your kids and that is obvious, putting up with this hell for them but can you 100% confirm the kids are yours?
I am only going by what happened to a friend, he married his girlfriend after she said she was pregnant. They had 3 children before they divorced. Like you he had to take two jobs and was dragged over the coals. I don't know what got him to check but none of the kids were his but for 3 different men. She had him convinced they were his.
You might be able to negotiate a better deal like he did.
Sunset Samurai
Member
How have you not mention this to the judge or your lawyer? Bruh, you're a better man than me because I probably would've snapped
Marty Chinn
Member
You guys really have no idea how a pre-nup works. Pre-nups typically protect assets prior to marriage. Assets gained during marriage are split. This is meant if you're rich going into the marriage, suddenly, the other person isn't entitled to everything you had before you got married. So a pre-nup would not help in this case where he made money while she stayed at home, plus a pre-nup doesn't get rid of obligations towards kids.
That is how it works. If both parties make the same amount of money then guy doesn't suddenly owe her half of his money. It's usually an even split of total finances added together. So if the wife made more, the husband would be entitled to more. Where you typically hear the worst of it is when the wife doesn't work and the husband brings in all the money. That's when he loses half.
He can't because the court says he will still owe that amount of money so it just makes it harder to pay. The way it's viewed legally is it's to prevent someone from quitting their job or going to take a massive pay cut in order to skip out on paying the money owed for the spouse and kids. It's meant to protect the wife and kids so they don't get screwed. Unfortunately, there are cases where it makes it unfair like this one.
OP if I were you....i'd give up everything.
I know your kids will suffer but if the mom is being this way, have her bring them up with her salary and her boyfriend's. Its not like they wont have food to eat. I was brought up with a single parent...it is possible as long as your ex doesnt try to live an expensive life. Now if its possible, split and just give the mom money for the kids. (child support) The mom doesnt deserve squat.
Like...you are literally being abused by everyone (except for the kids mind you).
Fuck this, just reading this makes me upset.
I know your kids will suffer but if the mom is being this way, have her bring them up with her salary and her boyfriend's. Its not like they wont have food to eat. I was brought up with a single parent...it is possible as long as your ex doesnt try to live an expensive life. Now if its possible, split and just give the mom money for the kids. (child support) The mom doesnt deserve squat.
Like...you are literally being abused by everyone (except for the kids mind you).
Fuck this, just reading this makes me upset.
Baron Aloha
A Shining Example
OP's lawyer sounds like Larry David's lawyer. Find another one ASAP, if possible.
Stories like the one in the OP are why I would never, ever, ever get married without a prenup. Ever. Its also why I would never marry someone who wasn't on my same level financially.
Stories like the one in the OP are why I would never, ever, ever get married without a prenup. Ever. Its also why I would never marry someone who wasn't on my same level financially.
captjohnboyd
Member
Man how does that even happen. My father was a wealthy private business owner and he was still only asked to pay $500 a month (this was in the 80's) and he never even paid that. He ended up owing my mom thousands of dollars and never paid or went to jail. They even ended up reducing it to like $100 a month and he wouldn't even pay that. On the other hand he didn't want custody of me at all so I guess he just didn't give a shit what happened.
I feel your pain OP. My ex has calmed down, and we don't have any kids, but she was just as nuts. Regularly punched me when she got good and mad, keyed my ex'es car when she thought we had slept together (even tho she and I were apart at the time too) and was a lunatic trying her hardest to destroy me for a good bit.
We don't speak at all anymore but she has totally calmed down. Thing was as irrational as it sounds she loved me deeply but simply had deep Baggage from childhood that stopped her from knowing how to deal with conflict or depression so she would just lash out and try to hurt the person she "perceived" as hurting her which was usually the person closest to her. She got some professional help and is doing a lot better now. Maybe your ex just really feels betrayed that you left her and doesn't know how else to deal with it but to fuck you. Not right at all but perhaps it's a starting point to appealing to her. Prob not but at this point what could it hurt lol
I feel your pain OP. My ex has calmed down, and we don't have any kids, but she was just as nuts. Regularly punched me when she got good and mad, keyed my ex'es car when she thought we had slept together (even tho she and I were apart at the time too) and was a lunatic trying her hardest to destroy me for a good bit.
We don't speak at all anymore but she has totally calmed down. Thing was as irrational as it sounds she loved me deeply but simply had deep Baggage from childhood that stopped her from knowing how to deal with conflict or depression so she would just lash out and try to hurt the person she "perceived" as hurting her which was usually the person closest to her. She got some professional help and is doing a lot better now. Maybe your ex just really feels betrayed that you left her and doesn't know how else to deal with it but to fuck you. Not right at all but perhaps it's a starting point to appealing to her. Prob not but at this point what could it hurt lol
Marty Chinn
Member
A pre nup doesn't work like that. It's amazing how many people think pre-nups are a way to get rid of any responsibility. A pre-nup would have done nothing to help him here even if he had one.
Baron Aloha
A Shining Example
I know exactly how a prenup works, thank you. I have assets to protect right now. And as I said, I would never marry someone who didn't make a decent living (i.e. contribute equally on a financial level).
Marty Chinn
Member
This is by far more important in his scenario than a pre-nup.
Mammoth Jones
Member
Always call the police when things get violent and you know it's the last straw.
Document. Document. Document.
What sucks is even if you do that there's nothing to stop her from lying and saying you hit her.
And I gotta agree that you never marry if the earnings are lopsided. Nope. Too much to risk. Prenup. Prenup every time.
Document. Document. Document.
What sucks is even if you do that there's nothing to stop her from lying and saying you hit her.
And I gotta agree that you never marry if the earnings are lopsided. Nope. Too much to risk. Prenup. Prenup every time.
FinalStageBoss
Banned
People keep mentioning a pre-nup like that would help here. Marriage is just a bad contract tbh.
I know a guy who owes like 300k in child support, he just said fuck it and didn't pay. Never did any jail time.
I know a guy who owes like 300k in child support, he just said fuck it and didn't pay. Never did any jail time.
Agent Icebeezy
Welcome beautful toddler, Madison Elizabeth, to the horde!
That's because no matter what, the onus is on us to prove the wrongdoing. I mean, here is insight on my case.
We've been divorced for about 7 years. You have to bring the kitchen sink and then some. When I get some down time today, I'll go further into talking about what lengths you need to do. I'm going to defend myself in court. A lawyer friend originally told my wife that I was fighting an uphill battle defending myself. After learning and hearing what I have, all he could say was got damn, you got the motherlode. Like I said, I'll detail all that later on today. Maybe it can help someone else.
elmalloc
Member
To the OP I would see a psychologist who can then connect you with the right people to fix the situation.
To be honest, shit like this doesn't make me want to date or marry anyone - why? The chances of it ending poorly are worse than the chances of it ending well nowadays. The less I care, the more women like me, that is the sad part too.
To be honest, shit like this doesn't make me want to date or marry anyone - why? The chances of it ending poorly are worse than the chances of it ending well nowadays. The less I care, the more women like me, that is the sad part too.
Sounds like you should do the following OP:
1. Get a better lawyer.
2. Drop all communication with her and speak directly through your lawyers. Let your new lawyer know in detail the background manipulation she is trying to pull to keep you in the poor house. Any communication with her should be kept to an absolute minimum and no matter what she does say, be polite and kind. Don't fall into any of her twisted traps. She'll use them against you to keep this whole show going.
3. Document everything. If you legally can, record every conversation you do have with her without her knowing. Based at least on one of your previous comments, it's allowed in your state.
4. Explain the situation to your boss at the second job to see about rearranging your schedule so you can see your kids. Otherwise, find some way to get fired. I don't think you can ask your boss to fire you outright, but maybe start coming in a little late or "forgetting to take a lunch break" or something. Illinois is an at-will employment state, so they can fire you for pretty much whatever they want as long as it's a legal reason. Hell, even chat with your kids by phone too much to check up on them during work hours and use that as an excuse when asked why you were fired from the job.
5. Stay strong.
I'm real sorry OP, but this is going to continue to be a rough road, but don't let her evil, terrible ways get you down. The only thing you should be focused on now is putting all of this behind you and that starts by getting at least a part of your life and time with your kids back.
1. Get a better lawyer.
2. Drop all communication with her and speak directly through your lawyers. Let your new lawyer know in detail the background manipulation she is trying to pull to keep you in the poor house. Any communication with her should be kept to an absolute minimum and no matter what she does say, be polite and kind. Don't fall into any of her twisted traps. She'll use them against you to keep this whole show going.
3. Document everything. If you legally can, record every conversation you do have with her without her knowing. Based at least on one of your previous comments, it's allowed in your state.
4. Explain the situation to your boss at the second job to see about rearranging your schedule so you can see your kids. Otherwise, find some way to get fired. I don't think you can ask your boss to fire you outright, but maybe start coming in a little late or "forgetting to take a lunch break" or something. Illinois is an at-will employment state, so they can fire you for pretty much whatever they want as long as it's a legal reason. Hell, even chat with your kids by phone too much to check up on them during work hours and use that as an excuse when asked why you were fired from the job.
5. Stay strong.
I'm real sorry OP, but this is going to continue to be a rough road, but don't let her evil, terrible ways get you down. The only thing you should be focused on now is putting all of this behind you and that starts by getting at least a part of your life and time with your kids back.
Justzisguyukno
Member
Sorry to be that guy, but while it really sucks with what she did, at the end of the day it sadly doesn't matter.
http://www.illinoislegalaid.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.dsp_content&contentID=9089
"When it comes to dividing property and setting child support or maintenance, fault is totally irrelevant. The law states clearly that judges shall make those particular decisions without regard to marital misconduct."
Its probably a bit too late now though if everything has already been set. From what I've been told its a lot harder to have custody reverted once it's already been set.
I feel like you might have taken the wrong approach to all of this, and it burned you in the end.
http://www.illinoislegalaid.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.dsp_content&contentID=9089
"When it comes to dividing property and setting child support or maintenance, fault is totally irrelevant. The law states clearly that judges shall make those particular decisions without regard to marital misconduct."
Its probably a bit too late now though if everything has already been set. From what I've been told its a lot harder to have custody reverted once it's already been set.
I feel like you might have taken the wrong approach to all of this, and it burned you in the end.
FLUXCapacitor
Member
Having gone through a divorce myself, word of advice, NEVER get married again. It's not worth it and the laws are totally fucked in pretty much every state.
I know plenty of people who are stay-at-homes, and they still earn money outside of the usual benefit schemes. There's work that can be done from home that will still bring in a tidy pay packet each month, and still allow the stay-at-home to look after the child. This whole 'sacrificing their career' thing is bullshit. You can still have a career and be a parent at the same time, meaning you can be independent and not rely on your partner's wallet should the marriage fall apart.
Mammoth Jones
Member
It's not a bad contract but it's a contract. Marriage is a business about assets. People need to recognize this.
In this day and age I'd never wife someone that isn't pulling their weight. No way. My wife thankfully feels the same way.
The first time someone gets physical in a marriage and you know it's over you gotta call the police and document it. Unfortunately that doesn't give one any time to really think and process the situation. But sadly it's what's best to protect yourself.
Forcing you to keep a job doesn't sound possible.
Mr. Giggles
Member
Jeez OP, I'm really sorry about your situation!
How is it possible laws have not been brought up to date on stuff like this, seems awfully biased.
How is it possible laws have not been brought up to date on stuff like this, seems awfully biased.
Marty Chinn
Member
He's not technically forced to have two jobs. He's forced to supply a certain amount of income though.
ElfArmy177
Member
That's what I'm thinking of trying to do as well...
ThoughtsOfSpeaking
Banned
I will never understand the concept of paying an ex spouse anything he/she did not help earn. I dont even care about the idea that the mother of your children cannot be left helpless.
No, she is a grown ass woman, she should sort her own shit.
Only payments you should have to pay is towards your children and every month you should get a itemised breakdown of exactly where your money went towards your childs upkeep.
The whole concept is ridiciolus and I wont ever get married because of it.
No, she is a grown ass woman, she should sort her own shit.
Only payments you should have to pay is towards your children and every month you should get a itemised breakdown of exactly where your money went towards your childs upkeep.
The whole concept is ridiciolus and I wont ever get married because of it.
ElfArmy177
Member
I did, they all said its a no fault state so it doesn't matter what she did. Kinda fucked up
zswordsman
Member
OP you should record any future conversations. The way she treats you and if she admits to abusing you and hoping for your death that might help you with court.
This pisses me off so much, one of the reasons I'm really not into the whole concept of marriage. Like damn, I still work my ass off for you and you fuck me over by taking half of everything. Also it's always harder for the guy to get custody even if he might be the better option. It's just really unfair.
Both my parents worked and I saw both of them equally. Dad was an Alaskan fisherman and mom worked factory jobs and still took care of the house and kids. There's no damn excuse for housewives to just stay there. Even single moms can handle it. Idk it just pisses me off that they can be entitled to so much in a divorce.
If I do happen to get married it would have to be with someone that was willing to get a job as well and keep it. Sure they get maternity leave but after that get back to work man.
I had an uncle end up in jail once because he was accused of rape by his cheating ex wife. Eventually it got overturned and he got out but it did fuck up his life. She still got full custody though even though she cheated and falsely accused him. He could have sued her back but decided not to. In the end though he just said fuck it and didn't pay anything. He's not broke but he's doing ok now with a new family.
This pisses me off so much, one of the reasons I'm really not into the whole concept of marriage. Like damn, I still work my ass off for you and you fuck me over by taking half of everything. Also it's always harder for the guy to get custody even if he might be the better option. It's just really unfair.
Both my parents worked and I saw both of them equally. Dad was an Alaskan fisherman and mom worked factory jobs and still took care of the house and kids. There's no damn excuse for housewives to just stay there. Even single moms can handle it. Idk it just pisses me off that they can be entitled to so much in a divorce.
If I do happen to get married it would have to be with someone that was willing to get a job as well and keep it. Sure they get maternity leave but after that get back to work man.
I had an uncle end up in jail once because he was accused of rape by his cheating ex wife. Eventually it got overturned and he got out but it did fuck up his life. She still got full custody though even though she cheated and falsely accused him. He could have sued her back but decided not to. In the end though he just said fuck it and didn't pay anything. He's not broke but he's doing ok now with a new family.
That also seems unconstitutional.
But it's sad to see that level of income specified by what was likely an unsustainable arrangement, even if they had stayed married.
I had a coworker that would up in this situation, but from different circumstances. We were "forced" to work massive overtime for a long period of time at work, probably close to a year. It was driven by a need to fulfill a sales contract that never should have been signed. That lined our pockets, but at the expense of everything else.
He and his wife separated during that time and the amount of income he needed to pay her as determined by the courts wasn't something he could do as soon as work went back to normal. Getting the court to reverse that took a VERY long time and he was essentially homeless by the time it was fixed. They also didn't clear the unpaid amount that had accumulated during that time, so he was left to pay that off over time as he went forward under the new agreement.
Holyshit Illinois sucksMaintience is calculated before child support. In the past judges sometimes didn't allow maintience however Illinois changed their law last year stating maintaincen is mandatory now. Maintience can be up to 40% of your income, which is then added to child support which is 32% of your income.. Basically don't get married and have kids
I do hope to get married in a couple years but after knowing the person very well cause wtf man.
Op how young where you when you got married?
There is some merit to the argument. Let's say that John and Jane both get married at the age of 20. Jane becomes pregnant and stops going to school. John continues his education, gets a job, and they both agree that John will earn the income and Jane will raise their child. After 10 years, John and Jane have a divorce. If they simply split up and only child support was paid, then Jane sacrificed 10 years of her professional life for nothing and John had a free 10 year full time babysitter. This is certainly unfair.
The problems with alimony as it is is that it scales too much to how much the other makes and it lasts too long. But the idea behind it is reasonable.
sechsterangriff
Member
Yeah, the prospect of having children or marriage can be frightening to say the least if one of the spouses tries to fuck you up. This case in particular had some huge obvious red flags, but it's not always as obvious like this. Sometimes people just change for worse over time.
If I ever eventually want to leave some sort of legacy by contributing positively to someone's life and have the time and money, I'll probably just try single parent adoption...
Still I'm not saying there's no merit to the argument. I just want to focus on the fact that most often it's a choice and not something forced upon.
If I ever eventually want to leave some sort of legacy by contributing positively to someone's life and have the time and money, I'll probably just try single parent adoption...
Except Jane isn't necessarily forced to that. Like you said it was also her decision. If she wasn't ready to sacrifice 10 years of her professional life, maybe she should have chosen daycare. It was a trade off she chose in order to better accompany her child growing up in a way John probably could never hope for.
Still I'm not saying there's no merit to the argument. I just want to focus on the fact that most often it's a choice and not something forced upon.
if your a man its frown upon to adopt alone
Marty Chinn
Member
What part of the Constitution does it violate? There's plenty of cases where a ruling has been made about money owed and suddenly changing your employment or income doesn't change how much money you owe.
Ya, it was a bad arrangement to begin with, but its likely more of an edge case than the norm that put him in this bad spot. The laws are setup so that someone doesn't try to skimp out on money owed for child care. That's why they set it to maintain a certain lifestyle for the kids. This law is meant to protect the kids from getting screwed.
But the money he owes is supposed to be based on what he makes, not the maximal amount that he's ever made.
MaschinenZimmer
Banned
Well, it isn't. It's that or jail.
@OP, sell everything, grab all the cash you can get and leave the country. I'm not even kidding. If you stay, your life will be hell. And you know it.
My understanding is that it's set based on what the person had demonstrated the capability to earn. That way he can't just take a shit job and pay less. He's on the hook for potential, basically.
Marty Chinn
Member
It's based on his current income at the time, not the maximum he's ever made. He was just in a shitty situation where he made a decent amount but it took two jobs to achieve that. Quitting the second job could be seen as trying to stick it to the wife and kids by giving them less money and lowering the quality of lifestyle for the kids. In this case, it's shitty for the guy, but in other cases without it, it could be shitty for the wife and kids. So his situation seems more like an edge case where as in general, it's in there to protect the kids. Either way, there's nothing in the Constitution that this violates.
I will probably get a lot of hate for this.... But I don't think children or anyone is entitled to a particular lifestyle. Are there needs being met? Are they 'comfortable'. Thats all that needs to be done. Eveything else is gravy. If i am a millionaire and I decided to raise my kids like the middle class why should the government get involved?
And potential being reached isn't always under his control. Hell, some people work 80 hour jobs for a while and later decide they don't want to do that anymore. A divorce shouldn't force they stick to that 80 hour job just because that is where they set their 80 hour potential.
The Lopez handbook of relationships
1.date for atleast 5 years before even consindering marriage
2.if you have arguments ever while dating in the first year it's not going to last.
3.both have careers
4.work as a team with the kids
5.dont marry just because your having kids
6. Buy everything together
7. Don't work more than 50 hour weeks when you have a spouse and children.
1.date for atleast 5 years before even consindering marriage
2.if you have arguments ever while dating in the first year it's not going to last.
3.both have careers
4.work as a team with the kids
5.dont marry just because your having kids
6. Buy everything together
7. Don't work more than 50 hour weeks when you have a spouse and children.
ThoughtsOfSpeaking
Banned
No. Jane sacrificed 10 years of her professional life to raise her child. If she decided or it was jointly decided that John should not have to give up his time, thats on her. She was not a unpaid babysitter ny any strech of the imagination.
The idea that it is somehow "unfair" that she is somehow disadvantaged by looking after the child she helped to conceive and willing brought to term is the same undercurrent sexism that is the problem with divorce laws.
Is this a serious post? I honestly can't tell.
100% correct
MaschinenZimmer
Banned
I think it tells a lot about a women who thinks that rasing a child is the equivalent of wasting life.
ElfArmy177
Member
I got married at 23.. Too young I think
sechsterangriff
Member
Who cares if it's frown upon? Of course I know chances would be much slimmer, but I want to believe some social services actually have the better interest of kids in mind.
Being frowned upon wouldn't stop me from trying.
- Status