I actually haven't seen my therapist in a while. I usually only schedule appointments to see him on an as needed basis. Up until now, it hasn't been necessary. But I did just see my new psychiatrist who just prescribed me a new medication that's an anti-depressant that's specifically for OCD, clomipramine. I don't start it until tomorrow, and I know it'll probably take some time before it starts to work, but I really, really hope it makes things better. The picking is getting progressively worse.
I've spoken to my therapist before about my OCD, but at the time, it wasn't a big deal. I didn't do it very often, and even when I did, I hardly inflicted pain and caused myself to bleed. So I wasn't really given specific advice as to what to do when in the moment, and feeling the urge to pick.
Well, for what it's worth, I'm generally of the belief that it's best to see a therapist regularly, at least for a while, even when things are going relatively well. By sticking with it during ups and downs we can build a more robust understanding of what's going on rather than having to always focus on crisis situations.
Either way, I think reaching out to your therapist is a good idea since CBT (therapy) is one of the most effective treatments for OCD.
I've got the very basic public health insurance, because my company is too focused on profit to offer employees a real health insurance package. I don't think it gets covered, but if it did then it might only be in my prefecture, whereas I'll have to pop up to Tokyo for each session so it was in English.
I think it's worth checking into exactly what's covered, micster, as a first step. Once that's cleared up it'll be a bit clearer what second step to take.
So I saw a psychologist (with a doctorate) a while ago with the intent of taking a comprehensive test to figure out just what's wrong with me. But she decided the test wouldn't help, but that I definitely do have severe anxiety but not depression (guess that's what happens when you don't want to bring up your suicidal ideation, especially since my nosy parents were there too). She also said my psychiatrist should be trying me on a lot more different meds, because so far he's given me xanax, zoloft, wellbutrin, and beta blockers, and the psychologist seems to think none of them are working (I've been seeing this psychiatrist for like three years now, for reference). I admit it's hard to tell if they're doing anything - the xanax or zoloft might be helping a tiny bit, and I haven't noticed any change since I started taking the wellbutrin. But they're definitely not working in any real noticeable way because my life still sucks and I feel shitty and anxious all the time.
I'm sorry things are so tough, Steamlord. Is there an option for continuing to see the psychologist regularly and receiving therapy?
Feeling super crappy and unmotivated tonight. Which I guess is ok. I can deal with this. It's when I go into crazy suicidal depression spirals that I can't handle. Luckily that hasn't happened in a bit.
Medication helps a lot. Honestly, I really should have gone on it a lot earlier. I wouldn't have screwed up shit so bad with some people. But now I just need to wait it out, and if they decide to reach out, then I'll try to mend the bridge I've burned with them. If not, then that's their right. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and use that to help more people and hurt less.
I've still been meaning to volunteer, but it's hard to find time. I go to a really difficult STEM university and that takes up all or my time and energy. But so far this semester is better than last, so that's good : ).
If anyone needs to PM or whatever I'm here. I can't guaruntee I'll be the quickest responder, but I'll try my hardest to get back to you ASAP.
Stay strong MH GAF. : )
I admire your strength and even-handed attitude, Xe4. The best "bad nights" I have are the ones where I'm able to take the difficulties at eye level and ride them out with a level head rather than get caught up in a whirlwind. I'm not always able to keep that level head, but just like with social difficulties, it's a matter of learning and slowly getting better and better at coping with things.
I hope you have a nice weekend!
This is a very rare entry in this thread from me, in that I'm actually going to write about how things are going better. Savor it, like a juicy steak!
(Except I don't like steak.)
Because I'm in one of those periods when my symptoms are less severe, I've been trying to figure out ways of structuring that time so I feel less lonely and anxious. For instance, last night I spent several hours at the house of a singer I used to work with. We talked a bunch, had a nice dinner and even went through some pieces on her lovely, recently tuned piano. The company was alright (honestly, she and I don't have one of those relationships where you can talk for hours because our interests are pretty different, opera aside) but the real moment of contentment came when I was at the piano, her amazing voice right beside me and we were sight-reading music, just like we used to. It reminded me how much my self-worth and happiness is tied into performing, both the benefits and the deep dangers of that. It also reminded me that for all of my flaws (and there are many), I am a very fine pianist and musician.
For the times when I'm at home alone (which is most of the time), I'm trying to set up different projects. First, I've started to walk 15-30 minutes each day (depending on the weather and how I'm feeling). Second, I've decided that my piano has sat dormant long enough and have started to seriously work on a new piece, a Mozart piano sonata. Specifically, his
K. 576. It's the last sonata he wrote and probably the most difficult (which might not be the smartest choice for me but you can't say I never go big). I'm already sweating bullets in the first movement, which has a great deal of very rapid runs in it, with hands often doing very different things. And of course, being Mozart, there's nowhere to hide as the use of the pedal is extremely limited and any mistake stands out instantly. It's been fun to set aside a little bit of time each day to turn the electronics off and just sit at that piano.
It's a tricky thing. My mood starts to drop the instant that I detect I don't have enough to do but at the same time, I get really anxious if I feel like I don't have enough "me" time so finding that balance is a real challenge.
(Oh, and I need therapy, definitely, if only to start confronting my abandonment and sexuality issues. But also because I never felt I got the chance to properly grieve for the life, career and friends that I lost and I'm not really sure how. It feels bottled up inside of me. But the good news is that I'm waiting on a call back from the local mental health agency in this area so we can hopefully get the ball rolling.)
I'm so, so, so, so glad you're finding some clarity and sense of motion on things, jb. I strongly support your walks and larger projects,
despite the fact that you're going to be learning
Mozart of all composers.
(I'm kidding)
(Mostly)
By the way did I tell you what piano piece I settled on for the semester, finally? Chopin Op.68 No.4. Seemed more challenging than the Gershwin 2nd Prelude but not quite as brutal as the Nocturne we were considering. Plus it's good work for phrasing / dynamics / interpretation, which are my weakest link. I'm a very pitches and rhythms kind of guy.
The posts in here that trouble me the most are from the single people who get so wrapped up in being single that they talk about really disliking seeing couples and stuff. I totally get it - I can remember being single, all of my friends being in relationships, and being acutely aware of being alone. I think it's just really toxic when that turns to these very negative feelings towards people in relationships. I know with my single friends, it makes me really glad when they are genuinely happy to see my wife and I happy together. Those people give off a really positive vibe that I know other people find attractive. Demonstrating that capacity for feeling good for someone else is just an attractive quality.
I end up being the third wheel on several of my friends' dates, which is kind of weird - I certainly would not bring me on a date (on my own dates, I'm always thinking, "who invited this jackass?" about myself), but whatever. I *think* they bring me along because I'm indeed so genuinely happy to see them happy. I know couples who are a bit gross and showy, and that feels fake and weird, but the couples I really love just give off this lowkey positive energy. The more you can bask in that energy and just enjoy being in people's orbit, I think the better you feel and the better it makes you look. In the same way that it helps me make friends, I know it would really stand out if I were looking for a relationship myself.
I don't entirely know how to cultivate that. My romantic life is taken care of, so it's easy to say dumb shit like "just be yourself!" "You'll find someone when you stop looking!" etc. I guess...when you find yourself feeling negatively towards other couples, it helps to recognize it and try not to let it consume you. You can distance yourself from the couples that shove their relationship in your face, or bring you along and then only pay attention to each other (that's the worst). The couples that try to draw attention to how in love they are are invariably way less happy than they let on. Take comfort in that. My friends in the quietly contented couples are the ones who are still together.
Maybe this all seems dumb. But I know that getting pissed off about other couples is a huge barrier to finding a relationship of your own. I don't know exactly how to not get angry and upset and consumed by the desire to find someone. But it is really something to fight against because it is so counterproductive.
I know Anth0ny clarified what he meant to be a bit different in later posts, but I wanted to second this general sentiment.
I've spent a significant portion of the past 8 or so years looking for a girlfriend who could fix all of my problems. At a lot of points I didn't really realize that's what was going on but as spring turned to summer turned to fall I often found myself looking back and connecting the dots. Even then I didn't want to let go of the idea - and still haven't to some extent - that someone could come along who would be such a perfect foil to my suffering that they would rescue me from it.
At one particularly low point I thought I found that person. Except I wasn't trying to date a person, I was trying to date an idea. It only took a few weeks together for me to realize that she was more than an idea or a foil, she was a three dimensional person with her own problems, and the weight of that truth, of
not having my problems suddenly fixed sent me to bad, bad places and finally into my second psychiatric hospitalization.
I do not regret those experiences. I've learned a lot over the past 8 or so years, especially, as I mentioned a few pages ago, how much I need "girlfriend figure" in my life to feel I have any value. I've started working against that over the past year and a half, trying to foster more emotional independence, but it's a long road.
It's easy to latch onto the idea that there's someone out there who's the perfect ying to our yang that will balance everything and free us from our misery. It's even a
movie trope. I think we're all destined for stronger relationships with others if we can first balance our relationship with ourselves a bit. At that point we can look for people to date, not concepts or ideas or antidotes.
Super anxious about a fake patient encounter that is not even graded, gonna have to work hard if I ever want to be a competent doctor :\
For what it's worth, I have faith in you, ugaboga. Do you have any sense of what's got you so anxious about this encounter?
I think the root of my motivation and fear is that i'll be alone and stuck in one place forever and that I won't ever live up to my own (admittedly exaggerate and maybe unrealistic) ideal self. The thing is that when I was younger, I felt like I had a safe future ahead of me and wouldn't have to deal with too much (internal and external) conflict. In a sense, I felt stable. I had plenty of interests, hobbies, my family at the time wasn't split up. Of course, that was my perception inside the bubble I was in. With my GAD, anything negative is catastrophic with absolute consequence. The tenets of unbridled cynicism slowly bled through and I became rigid in not helping myself because I felt any change was for naught due to external factors that made it it's mission to push me down.
It wasn't a good idea to have my social life be primarily relegated on online forums where cynicism is "The One True Belief" and being abrasive was how to communicate. Then again, I felt like that was my only avenue due to my (at the time) severe social anxiety. It's hard to deconstruct those beliefs when that is the only perception you have had for your teen/early adult years.
Yes, I've come to believe that life is too short to be a ruthless cynic. I had to stop following politics for a few years because their constant turmoil and cynicism were sapping my ability to see the world around me in a positive light. The internet can be the same way sometimes.
There are two questions that emerged for me from reading your post:
Is there a way to move that definition of your "ideal" self? Surely it's changed throughout your life, right? Perhaps it's possible to meet in the middle - to work both at moving yourself closer to ideal while also moving that ideal closer to you.
Well, my Paxil isn't working. It's been months, plus an upped dose and nothing has changed. I feel just as depressed if not more, and I'm just as anxious.
I honestly don't think I can go much longer like this. I hate typing this because it's going to sound minor (I actually did last week and then deleted it, but I can't keep internalizing all of this). I'm slowly realizing that nobody wants me. I've become very good friends with a girl that I think I'm in love with (I know it sounds stupid and probably unstable), but I'm realizing that I'm not the type of person she wants. I think she thinks I'm childish and beneath her. And you know what? She's right. My sense of humor and behavior when I'm around her isn't exactly reflective of a mature 20 year old. I'm a goof around her because I can't show my real feelings because I know it'd make her uncomfortable, and because of that she doesn't want me. And no one else does. I have plenty of friends, but I never feel wanted. I'm just a guy that no one wants anything more than a casual friendship with, and at this point I can't exactly blame them and I don't know how to change peoples' view of me. I'm tired of being a footnote.
First of all, MattyG, if you don't feel the Paxil is working for you I encourage you to reach out to your prescribing doctor about other options, of which there are many.
Second, I think it's important to keep in mind that your identity and situation are not static; as long as we can keep ourselves open to growth it's going to happen in some way or another. After all, the only given in life is that everything is always changing. I am now in my mid-20s, and when I look back at myself at 20 I see someone who was completely different than I am now, someone who still had many teenage characteristics I hadn't yet left behind. Does that mean I was worthless? No, I don't think so; the early 20s are a time of transition where one is still working out the characteristics of their personality and identity and to expect anyone to have that figured out by age 20 or 21 is absurd.
I think there are a lot of aspects of friendships that are reasonably consistent across the board, such that a period of observation and reflection of our own social life can often clue us into how to take things in one direction or the other. For instance, shared vulnerability is tremendously important in closer friendships, and it's worth considering how open or closed we are to others and why.
Is it worth going to a counselor if it takes forever to get an appointment with a psychologist? If they're just going to refer me to a psychologist anyway I don't want to be wasting my time.
In my opinion, yes. I have never met anyone who could not benefit from counseling / therapy.
<3
