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[RoyaleDuke]

It's a generic now so you might get it. I have medicaid too so I know what a pain in the ass it can be to work with them. They like to reject drugs that aren't generics. Cymbalta's a bitch to get off of (like all the SNRIs) so make sure to discuss that with your doctor, as they often don't mention that aspect of these drugs. I hope that things get better for you soon.

Thanks for the input Jb, and thank you.

I hope you are doing okay too.

 

[dark10x]

Had a nasty panic attack last night. Yesterday was a bad day already and I went to bed feeling down but I awoke suddenly last night feeling queasy. Was sweating like crazy, shaking, dizzy and felt like it was over. Lasted for just two or three minutes but it was horrible and it took me 30 minutes to calm down after that. Haven't had an attack like that in a long time. I've been burying things too long and I really need to take action. I hate going from feeling fine to feeling like everything is terrible within a few hours.

 

[Kipp]

Edit: Oh yeah, so this is relevant to the thread. While driving, I've come to realize that I have some crazy anxiety in regards to being stuck in traffic. Some weirdly specific claustrophobia or something. Each time I've gotten stuck in traffic on this trip I have gone fucking batshit crazy in my car. Some of the most miserable experiences of my life.

Also of note is that I'll hopefully start seeing a therapist soon. With this new job I'll have pretty good health care and once I'm on my new health care the first thing I'm gonna do is find a therapist. I'm really looking forward to that. I've gone to one of the free therapists when I was in college and he helped me immensely with my anxiety. And in only a handful of sessions. I think I'm fairly malleable when it comes to that sort of thing, so therapists can work fairly quickly on me I guess. The only unfortunate thing is that at that point in time I wasn't aware I was depressed (I just thought it was anxiety and the fact that I wasn't a fan of my current situation in life or something - don't remember for sure) so I wasn't able to get that dealt with when I had the resources available to me. However, I will now, so it's time to take advantage of that.

I've never driven further than five hours in one sitting (and that felt endless). I can't imagine doing a cross-country drive.

Yeah... I really think it's been the most miserable 5 days I've ever had. Maybe that's an exaggeration though. Haha

I can't believe I don't have a mother anymore. It's strange and depressing.

I'm so sorry, Chewie... My thoughts are with you and your family.
I've never been super close with my parents, but ever since I decided to move across the country I've started to appreciate them so much more, so I can completely sympathize with you... I couldn't imagine losing my mom.
Not really sure what else to say, but yeah, my thoughts are with you. I'm so sorry to hear about that.

Trying to come off Depakote now, I've been on it for over a decade. Should be interesting...

Very best of luck to you. Hang in there. I don't pretend to know anything about that specific drug, but I do know how awful withdrawals in general can be. The worst is how withdrawals completely mess with your head. So yeah, hang in there.

 

[Hylian7]

I honestly wish I could stop existing. I've been unemployed almost a year, and can't get a job no matter how hard I try. I had two within the last week that were close and then suddenly rejected me. One of which had another interview scheduled, then they cancelled two hours beforehand because "some stuff came up", then the following Monday I get an email saying that are " moving on with other candidates ".

I'm completely worthless and unemployable. I got fired from my last job and was asked to leave the one before that. I hate myself.

 

[Kipp]

I honestly wish I could stop existing. I've been unemployed almost a year, and can't get a job no matter how hard I try. I had two within the last week that were close and then suddenly rejected me. One of which had another interview scheduled, then they cancelled two hours beforehand because "some stuff came up", then the following Monday I get an email saying that are " moving on with other candidates ".

I'm completely worthless and unemployable. I got fired from my last job and was asked to leave the one before that. I hate myself.

You had two interviews in one week? That in itself is very impressive. Just knowing that much, I can already tell that you're certainly a desirable candidate and it's only a matter of time before you get a job. Hang in there, man. I know how frustrating job searching can be, but you'll make it through.

 

[Hylian7]

You had two interviews in one week? That in itself is very impressive. Just knowing that much, I can already tell that you're certainly a desirable candidate and it's only a matter of time before you get a job. Hang in there, man. I know how frustrating job searching can be, but you'll make it through.

One of the interviews was a few weeks back, but I had the follow up scheduled within the same week until they cancelled it.

 

[jb1234]

Edit: Oh yeah, so this is relevant to the thread. While driving, I've come to realize that I have some crazy anxiety in regards to being stuck in traffic. Some weirdly specific claustrophobia or something. Each time I've gotten stuck in traffic on this trip I have gone fucking batshit crazy in my car. Some of the most miserable experiences of my life.

I generally enjoy driving (rush hour aside) but after a couple of car accidents and near-misses, I'm always acutely aware that it's one of the most dangerous things we all do on a regular basis. Certain situations can raise my anxiety like nothing else (merging onto the highway, changing lanes on said highway) and I get miserable just anticipating having to do these things.

 

[User 479360]

Thanks for the kind words.

I've gotta' be honest: I'm kind of struggling. I put on a face and try to push past it, but losing my Mom is all I can think about, and I honestly don't want to live without her. It doesn't feel right to, I can't celebrate without her, and I don't want to. She was too young, and it's wholly unfair.

Some friends who couldn't make it to the funeral wanted to do something, so we all went out last night. This included several people who came to it. I'd been looking forward to it, but it wasn't what I expected it to be and some of my friends pissed me off.

I thought they were taking me out to have a good time and get drunk, or whatever. But I did prepare to pay for my own bill, which was alright too. How some acted pissed me off, though.

One friend, who organized it and was great, picked me up. A female friend met us there. Several of us rode together, and the guy who got there first texted to see what I was drinking because the first one was on him, which was nice.

One friend couldn't come, another came late and another didn't bother because he went to bed at 9. But he came to the funeral. All three of these guys did.

What bugged me is that a couple of them mostly talked amongst themselves, didn't offer to buy me a drink, but mostly didn't talk to me much. Then one had the audacity to make me pay him back a bit of money I've owed him, on that night. $30. I gave him $20 so far, as I had to cover my bill with the other cash I had.

Another friend -- the one who was late -- and I went to his hometown afterwards, had a drink, then went back to his place to play some video games.

 

[jb1234]

Then one had the audacity to make me pay him back a bit of money I've owed him, on that night. $30. I gave him $20 so far, as I had to cover my bill with the other cash I had.

Good lord. What a dick. Times like these tend to reveal who your true friends are. Without knowing the details of your relationship with all of these people, it's hard to speculate why they were behaving this way. It's possible some of them simply felt uncomfortable talking to you because they didn't know what to say, especially if you're not close to them.

I'm sorry that you're suffering, Chewie. I can only hope that it gets easier with time.

 

[User 479360]

Good lord. What a dick. Times like these tend to reveal who your true friends are. Without knowing the details of your relationship with all of these people, it's hard to speculate why they were behaving this way. It's possible some of them simply felt uncomfortable talking to you because they didn't know what to say, especially if you're not close to them.

I'm sorry that you're suffering, Chewie. I can only hope that it gets easier with time.

Thanks

One of the two who didn't talk to me much was one of the main reasons we went out. He could not make it to the funeral, so he messaged me and asked if we could do something when he was available. Sunday was an idea, but everything got planned for Wednesday and I made sure to make it an open invite.

His brother actually helped set it up, picked me up, and was great. So was his wife. They're two years younger than us, but I have always preferred him to his older brother whom I went to school with.

I've never had an extremely close relationship with the guy, but he hardly talked to me and arrived quite late.

My friend who asked about the money is a longtime friend from grade 7 who I've had close talks with and used to hang out with a decent amount. He was a part of our core group and still is. His mom used to talk to mine a lot, and it bugged me that she never took the time to visit my Mom when she was ill.

I've owed him money for a while. Has it been something I've forgotten about, or planned to cheap out on? No, not really. It's been on my mind. I just don't see him a lot anymore, because he has a girlfriend, moved to the other side of the country for a while, etc. And when I did see him, I'd not have cash or not have the $30...and he wouldn't take what I had.

I thought I'd give him what I had leftover just to get it over with, but was quite offended when he asked on such a night. He didn't do so graciously or properly.

I had mentioned how another friend had owed me money, but decided to invest it in building something one day and asked for my help. I helped him and he paid me later. Then this guy said, "Oh, thanks for jogging my memory..."

 

[Steamlord]

I slept through my appointment with my therapist today because I'm a piece of shit.

 

[Wolf Dawgz]

I'm not sure if this belongs in here or the fitness thread, but my current goal of fitness/weight loss is both physical and mental. I guess the two aren't really all that separate but I digress. I was wondering for those who have had repeated episodes of depression/anxiety/stress, do you ever have fond memories of overcoming it?

I'm currently going through exam season, which for me is preferable to my last semester where I had all final projects at the end. I think last semester I posted about chest tightness which I was getting from anxiety about papers. I haven't gotten it really too much since, but I am not a fan. I never really had physiological symptoms like that, and it was probably due to how repeated the stress was. I was kind of scared it would lead to a depression, but thankfully looking forward to Star Wars: The Force Awakens helped me.

Since it's finals, I wanted to find a better way to manage stress besides powering through it with self-help strategies, and I decided to include a change in my diet and exercise at the pool near me that I can go to for free. It's a small fitness centre with not much stuff, but it has weights, a sauna, bike machines and a couple eliptical trainer. So far I've been losing weight at a rapid pace, and I feel a lot better. So far it's probably water weight, but I anticipate it'll be more then jsut that. Using Myfitness pal is helping me realize what I'm eating. My eating habits are much better and I surprisingly don't feel hungry even though I'm on a calorie deficit. Whenever I think about my stressors, the physiological signs aren't really there either. I get to just think about ways to deal with them while doing cardio or in the steam room.

My new hope to fitness reminds me of 6 years ago when I was 15/16 and trying to battle through a depressive episode. I wasn't doing as well as I thought in HS(but I ended up doing okay) and tried to join a basketball team where I wasn't acknowledged by my peers. I was mainly doing it because I thought I should do a sport.I decided during that winter break I would quit basketball, and I did. I was also in a woodworking class and metalwork class that I didn't really like after because I thought it was the thing to do because of the area I'm in. I didn't like ti so much I actually skipped a class. In highschool I never skipped classes, despite being in a demographic that did(First Nations/Native American). Even if stuff sucked I would still go to school and my parents would reinforce it. I pretended that I was going to school but really just packed a blanket and slept in the snowy woods until it was time for me to come home for lunch. I realized then that I should not feel so shitty that I would rather sleep in the woods than go to school. I was thinking about what the anime characters in the show I was watching would do(School Rumble), and thought that I should try taking more control over my life.So when I went to school I talked to the counselor and got my courses changed to art and french. It was one of the first time I felt like I was in control of things.

I ended up running a bit more due to sucky performance in my gym class. There was also a pool that opened and I began running down there and progressively got better.I ended up having a goal of going to a military summer program and began training for that through cardio. I felt pretty awesome and was one of the fittest of my gym class when we were running around town. I became really fit cardio wise, but failed to enter the program due to my lack of strength. Instead of taking it for another step of improvement, I flipped out at home and destroyed some of my stuff. I stopped exercising, and never got that same momentum for exercising since. Now I feel like I need to take those lessons and make sure that I exercise in a safe way(prevented momentum after I got fat), do it consistantly, and really factor in my diet.

TLDR: In order to deal with exam stress I've started exercising, losing weight, and it reminded me of 6 years ago when something similar happened but quit too early due to anger issues and lack of direction.

Thanks for the kind words.

I've gotta' be honest: I'm kind of struggling. I put on a face and try to push past it, but losing my Mom is all I can think about, and I honestly don't want to live without her. It doesn't feel right to, I can't celebrate without her, and I don't want to. She was too young, and it's wholly unfair.

Some friends who couldn't make it to the funeral wanted to do something, so we all went out last night. This included several people who came to it. I'd been looking forward to it, but it wasn't what I expected it to be and some of my friends pissed me off.

I thought they were taking me out to have a good time and get drunk, or whatever. But I did prepare to pay for my own bill, which was alright too. How some acted pissed me off, though.

One friend, who organized it and was great, picked me up. A female friend met us there. Several of us rode together, and the guy who got there first texted to see what I was drinking because the first one was on him, which was nice.

One friend couldn't come, another came late and another didn't bother because he went to bed at 9. But he came to the funeral. All three of these guys did.

What bugged me is that a couple of them mostly talked amongst themselves, didn't offer to buy me a drink, but mostly didn't talk to me much. Then one had the audacity to make me pay him back a bit of money I've owed him, on that night. $30. I gave him $20 so far, as I had to cover my bill with the other cash I had.

Another friend -- the one who was late -- and I went to his hometown afterwards, had a drink, then went back to his place to play some video games.

I wanted to say this earlier, but sorry for your loss Chewie. Also would suck to be ignored by friends when you need them. Maybe it was hard for them to find stuff to say to you? It might also help by talking to some of them one on one about it. I guess for me it gets hard to have deep conversations with people in group activities which is probably what you need.

 

[Kurtofan]

my psychiatrist is on a break, is it ok for me to post my thoughts here?

I've had a drink with friends from college, it was awkward for me... I didn't know what to say at times i tried to react to what they were saying but it was pretty hard... at the end I was really upset I wasnt able to talk so a few minutes before leaving I just asked a question to some friends and they answered and asked questions back... it made me feel happy.

i think I've realized i can't react very well to what other people say to each other unless i feel involved or i really care about the person. So i need to get involved by asking questions (which is hard at times)

the same thing happened the other day when I went out with a friend and their mother, same deal, I kept shut until the very end of the day where I felt a strong urge to talk about anything. i really try to talk more to people but for some reason I have some problems at times, I'm really afraid I come off as weird or depressing.

 

[User 479360]

my psychiatrist is on a break, is it ok for me to post my thoughts here?

I've had a drink with friends from college, it was awkward for me... I didn't know what to say at times i tried to react to what they were saying but it was pretty hard... at the end I was really upset I wasnt able to talk so a few minutes before leaving I just asked a question to some friends and they answered and asked questions back... it made me feel happy.

i think I've realized i can't react very well to what other people say to each other unless i feel involved or i really care about the person. So i need to get involved by asking questions (which is hard at times)

the same thing happened the other day when I went out with a friend and their mother, same deal, I kept shut until the very end of the day where I felt a strong urge to talk about anything. i really try to talk more to people but for some reason I have some problems at times, I'm really afraid I come off as weird or depressing.

Of course it's fine

 

[Fall Into The GAF]

Do you know any teachers? Anyone already holding a job? Anyone you've had a conversation with who may hook you up with a nice little job at least?
What employers care about is not degrees or time spent working at school, as much as it is personal experience and motivation. Even if you have never worked, even if you have no degree, even if you dropped out of school, hell, even if you have some mental disability, you can still find a job that doesn't require particular knowledge, such as moving packages in a warehouse for instance.

The most important thing is not to have scholar experience, but actual, active experience, and if you don't have that then at least show that you have a strong motivation and drive. But you'll indeed never find a job like that if you don't have any connections to a professionnal network, that would allow people you know to suggest your résumé to their employer.

Statistics for finding as someone in your situation are crap because most people don't really know how to get a job exactly and do nothing but send out résumés (that obviously get ignored due to being near-empty and due to the lack of human interaction that doesn't give much emotional motivation to see if one deserves a job in the first place), or they have no connections and don't know what to do, or they have simply given up. Don't give up! The only thing statistics prove is that most people are dumb, which is unfortunately a fact, and one that corporations are aware of as well.

If there have been teachers you have gotten along with, or friends from high school who currently hold a job that could be available for you... contact them, check if you're still on good terms, ask them if any job positions need to be filled at work (or if they know any people who have been looking for someone to fill a job position), ask them what it consists of, and if it sounds like something you could do, ask them if they wouldn't mind transmitting your job application to their employer. If they trust you and their employer trusts them after seeing your résumé, all you need to do is prove that you deserved the job.

It's a harsh world out there, don't let yourself get defeated! Particularly when it comes to finding a job.

My biggest issue is that I don't have too much of a reliable network to fall back on and even if I did contact old friends and teachers, there's a high likelihood they wouldn't remember me too well. Honestly, I've given up trying to shoot resumes online, it's a goddamn waste of time considering HR stonewalls applicants with shit like ATS. It's a fucking metagame of "beating" a completely arbitrary system that does fuck all to help you.

You talked about violent ideations and that's honestly what brews up when I ever I am in the mindset of finding a job. So many people have let me down and then fucking criticized me for not having their intuitiveness/connections.

 

[neojubei]

Had a really crazy dream last night, sort of put things in perspective. i think i really do want to die. this life really isnt worth it.

 

[Kipp]

I've arrived in New Hampshire! I quite like this town. And my roommate and I are getting along really well already!

Thanks

One of the two who didn't talk to me much was one of the main reasons we went out. He could not make it to the funeral, so he messaged me and asked if we could do something when he was available. Sunday was an idea, but everything got planned for Wednesday and I made sure to make it an open invite.

His brother actually helped set it up, picked me up, and was great. So was his wife. They're two years younger than us, but I have always preferred him to his older brother whom I went to school with.

I've never had an extremely close relationship with the guy, but he hardly talked to me and arrived quite late.

My friend who asked about the money is a longtime friend from grade 7 who I've had close talks with and used to hang out with a decent amount. He was a part of our core group and still is. His mom used to talk to mine a lot, and it bugged me that she never took the time to visit my Mom when she was ill.

I've owed him money for a while. Has it been something I've forgotten about, or planned to cheap out on? No, not really. It's been on my mind. I just don't see him a lot anymore, because he has a girlfriend, moved to the other side of the country for a while, etc. And when I did see him, I'd not have cash or not have the $30...and he wouldn't take what I had.

I thought I'd give him what I had leftover just to get it over with, but was quite offended when he asked on such a night. He didn't do so graciously or properly.

I had mentioned how another friend had owed me money, but decided to invest it in building something one day and asked for my help. I helped him and he paid me later. Then this guy said, "Oh, thanks for jogging my memory..."

Goodness. Who even needs $30 that badly? If I let someone borrow $30 I wouldn't even care if they never paid me back... And to ask for it on the night where you're going out to drink because your mom died. That's absolutely ridiculous.
Sorry that your friends acted inappropriately.
Regarding the other friends (there's not really any excusing the asking for the $30 thing), it's like jb says, they may have just not known how to talk to you about your mom and so they ignored you because they just didn't know what to say. It's still unfortunate, but it's understandable that they weren't acting in bad faith and instead just didn't know what to say.

 

[Ekdrm2d1]

Drive-by posting.

My friend is suffering from schizophrenia. It's getting to be really bad. Off her medication due to cost. She has all the usual schizophrenia symptoms. It's really damaging her life! She is falling off the deep end! It's only getting worse and worse.

I want to help her but can't. She needs hospitalization. Telling somebody that they need help is always a miss. People don't like hearing they need help. Should my mom and I try a intervention with her?

Why does schizophrenia exist. That stuff is horrible

I will check back for replies, but since I never post in this thread..

 

[User 479360]

I've arrived in New Hampshire! I quite like this town. And my roommate and I are getting along really well already!



Goodness. Who even needs $30 that badly? If I let someone borrow $30 I wouldn't even care if they never paid me back... And to ask for it on the night where you're going out to drink because your mom died. That's absolutely ridiculous.
Sorry that your friends acted inappropriately.
Regarding the other friends (there's not really any excusing the asking for the $30 thing), it's like jb says, they may have just not known how to talk to you about your mom and so they ignored you because they just didn't know what to say. It's still unfortunate, but it's understandable that they weren't acting in bad faith and instead just didn't know what to say.

Good to hear you're doing well and like your new roommate.

As for what you mentioned: I agree. I was fine with giving it to him another time, or bringing it up another time.

The only reason I really owed him money was booze.

I went over to a friend's place, and used to a lot. We'd drink once or twice a week, and I'd sleep over. Well, he invited me over to drink one weekend, then decided to invite the $30 guy and the one other friend I thought was rude.

Anyways, we would take turns supplying booze. I'd buy one week, he'd buy the next. It was never set in stone. He had some that night and I maybe had a shot or two left in an old gin bottle.

When he invited the other friends, he said, "Oh shit, X is coming now. That means he's going to mooch off of me and drink all of my booze and I don't have enough. He never brings anything and is a cheapass." then, "Will you please pick up a bottle to help out?"

Instead of me driving -- I'd maybe had a couple -- we asked the other friend who was coming to pick me up a bottle when he went past the liquor store, and when he brought it I didn't have any cash on me and had to do an I owe you.

 

[jb1234]

I can't decide whether I should kill myself tonight or just get so fucking drunk that I don't give a shit about anything. I'm a disaster of a human being.

 

[User 479360]

I can't decide whether I should kill myself tonight or just get so fucking drunk that I don't give a shit about anything. I'm a disaster of a human being.

You're not. You're truly not.

Go for a walk, clear your head, listen to some music. If you need help, ask for it. Call someone.

Don't hurt yourself.

I know what those feelings are like. Fight them. You can.

 

[jstripes]

I've been dealing with depression and anxiety big time this week. It's overpowering, especially with life situations. (Money, bills.)

But my teenage daughter has been dealing with it too, and skipping school (which I finally called her out on), and it's difficult to deal with her problems, especially when my own are insignificant to her.

 

[Kipp]

Good to hear you're doing well and like your new roommate.

As for what you mentioned: I agree. I was fine with giving it to him another time, or bringing it up another time.

The only reason I really owed him money was booze.

I went over to a friend's place, and used to a lot. We'd drink once or twice a week, and I'd sleep over. Well, he invited me over to drink one weekend, then decided to invite the $30 guy and the one other friend I thought was rude.

Anyways, we would take turns supplying booze. I'd buy one week, he'd buy the next. It was never set in stone. He had some that night and I maybe had a shot or two left in an old gin bottle.

When he invited the other friends, he said, "Oh shit, X is coming now. That means he's going to mooch off of me and drink all of my booze and I don't have enough. He never brings anything and is a cheapass." then, "Will you please pick up a bottle to help out?"

Instead of me driving -- I'd maybe had a couple -- we asked the other friend who was coming to pick me up a bottle when he went past the liquor store, and when he brought it I didn't have any cash on me and had to do an I owe you.

Thanks, Chewie!

And man... That's so ridiculous. Sorry again that that happened.

I can't decide whether I should kill myself tonight or just get so fucking drunk that I don't give a shit about anything. I'm a disaster of a human being.

You're certainly not a disaster of a human being. I know for a fact you're a stellar guy who constantly makes me feel like a better person. You always make me feel better when you reply to my posts.

Besides that, what Chewie said is solid advice.
Chewie, thanks for saying what I wouldn't have been able to think of.
JB, listen to Chewie. He's a smart guy.

Also JB, I probably don't need to tell you this, but if you ever want to PM me, you can absolutely feel free.

 

[SugarDave]

I think I might have some form of OCD. I have this need for a set of criteria to be in perfect alignment before I can allow myself to get on track and begin the activities that will "sort my life out". For whatever reason, I currently need the settings on all of my various profiles to be set up correctly among some other things, but when I get started this simple task somehow becomes overwhelming. It's seriously interfering with my ability to function and it's for the dumbest reason. For fuck's sake, I needed to get a haircut and change my bed a month ago now and I've stopped myself because I feel as though I need to do them at the "right" time. It feels like such a burden that I almost convinced myself earlier that I should just sell everything I own.

My depression has become bad enough on its own without this added weight. The last week has been extremely rough and it's at the point where I've experienced one too many flickers of hope followed by inevitable decline, the despair grows each time and I've finally reached a level where I can't even conceive of a future that contains any happiness. I've said before that I don't think I have it in me to kill myself so now I constantly fantasize about being diagnosed with a terminal disease. I keep questioning why my parents had to have me which I really don't want to see develop into a genuine resentment because they are great people who do want me to be happy.

I just don't understand how people are able to live, I question whether they're truly happy or just better at faking it, and both answers fill me with enough envy that I'm becoming a bitter piece of shit. My brain is screaming at me to cry while typing this, I wish I could.

Then I feel like a selfish asshole because I read the posts in here and not only are a lot of you battling through harder times, but I don't even reply to any of them. I hope you guys are able to feel better soon.

 

[Caim]

Saw my psychiatrist today and got started on some new medication it's called Zolof. I hope it helps at least a little bit. The next session is in two weeks. I'm going to stick to taking it and hope I don't have any of my depressive breakdowns within that timeframe.

 

[la flama blanca]

Drive-by posting.

My friend is suffering from schizophrenia. It's getting to be really bad. Off her medication due to cost. She has all the usual schizophrenia symptoms. It's really damaging her life! She is falling off the deep end! It's only getting worse and worse.

I want to help her but can't. She needs hospitalization. Telling somebody that they need help is always a miss. People don't like hearing they need help. Should my mom and I try a intervention with her?

Why does schizophrenia exist. That stuff is horrible

I will check back for replies, but since I never post in this thread..

My mother is schizophrenic. I know how rough it can be. I recommend an intervention or anyway other way to get her in the hospital.

 

[Hylian7]

I honestly wish I could stop existing. I've been unemployed almost a year, and can't get a job no matter how hard I try. I had two within the last week that were close and then suddenly rejected me. One of which had another interview scheduled, then they cancelled two hours beforehand because "some stuff came up", then the following Monday I get an email saying that are " moving on with other candidates ".

I'm completely worthless and unemployable. I got fired from my last job and was asked to leave the one before that. I hate myself.

I'm not going to get into specifics, but lets just say hours after I made this post, I got an interview set up that's a huge deal and has a high chance at leading to an offer. I know people say that a lot for interviews, but the circumstances of this one are very different.

 

[bytemovies]

Drive-by posting.

My friend is suffering from schizophrenia. It's getting to be really bad. Off her medication due to cost. She has all the usual schizophrenia symptoms. It's really damaging her life! She is falling off the deep end! It's only getting worse and worse.

I want to help her but can't. She needs hospitalization. Telling somebody that they need help is always a miss. People don't like hearing they need help. Should my mom and I try a intervention with her?

Why does schizophrenia exist. That stuff is horrible

I will check back for replies, but since I never post in this thread..

My mother is schizophrenic, has been all my life. If nothing else, try to be be there with her as much as possible if there is no way to get her back on meds. Having someone there who can support her, as incredibly difficult as it is, is probably the next best thing you can do. An intervention you could try but in my experience that can might cause them to withdraw and further isolate themselves which is really the last thing that needs to happen. Meds are the real answer, but failing that having other people around to keep them somewhat grounded in reality (not by direct argument though, more like subtle guidance) is probably the next best thing.

 

[Vigilant Walrus]

A bundle of joy cheering me up:3

 

[Futaba]

Went through some crap last week, on advice from GAF went to see a doctor, put me on 50mg Sertraline for the next 2 months :/

 

[Krammy]

Sertraline is pretty standard fare and worked well for me when I was on it for anxiety.

 

[Kurtofan]

once again I've squandered an occasion to talk to someone, it's depressing.

 

[Eusis]

So I'm feeling like a doctor (not my primary, someone I saw as set up to a therapist) making a poor call about me with Paxil THEN how to get off of Paxil has actively fucked my life up, namely with work. He said he didn't think I needed to take it so he'd take me off and I'd drop my dosage to 20 mg for 5 days (only after I asked about tapering off) then quit entirely. I technically missed that fifth day, but it makes no difference as I had withdrawal hit me like a truck and left me a highly emotional wreck (this was when I posted earlier in the thread about missing my cat) and I wouldn't be surprised if it influenced me in a lot of subtle ways like being more negative about something I should've been happier for or griping for the sake of griping. Even after the worst of it was gotten past I've still been a lot more volatile and that's been harder to keep under control, and while I called off a ton of work when I was feeling particularly poor I couldn't keep that up and naturally the day before I could go to get a new medication plan is when I had a long shift where I finally lost my temper and got suspended over swearing (and I think that's just the TECHNICAL reason for it! But I don't want to get into a lot of detail here.)

On Prozac now to see if that works better side effect-wise at least as that was an issue I had with Paxil, and going to a therapist today. Need to call work this afternoon and hope to do it before then so I don't get immediately brought back down after the session or whatever.

 

[Kipp]

Oi. Woke up this morning for the first time in my new apartment in a new state. The homesickness and regret of moving has hit me again head-on...
Once again I'm really regretting this decision of moving away and I miss my family immensely...

 

[la flama blanca]

Anyone have experience with Prozac and losing weight on it?
I'm too skinny and it's a big bummer having to deal with this side effect. Everything else seems good, but the damn weight loss was unexpected, was really hoping I'd gain.

 

[jb1234]

You're not. You're truly not.

Go for a walk, clear your head, listen to some music. If you need help, ask for it. Call someone.

Don't hurt yourself.

I know what those feelings are like. Fight them. You can.

You're certainly not a disaster of a human being. I know for a fact you're a stellar guy who constantly makes me feel like a better person. You always make me feel better when you reply to my posts.

Besides that, what Chewie said is solid advice.
Chewie, thanks for saying what I wouldn't have been able to think of.
JB, listen to Chewie. He's a smart guy.

Also JB, I probably don't need to tell you this, but if you ever want to PM me, you can absolutely feel free.

Thank you. It was very touch and go last night. Today has been equally as dreadful. I've mostly stayed in bed and cried.

 

[Kipp]

Thank you. It was very touch and go last night. Today has been equally as dreadful. I've mostly stayed in bed and cried.

I'm so sorry to hear that, JB. It really hurts me that you were dealt such an awful hand as such a great guy. You're the type of person that really deserves some sort of miraculous recovery.
Hang in there as best you can... I know that's way easier said than done, but yeah.
I wish there was some way I could legitimately help you, but the best I've got is sending well wishes your way, so that's what I'll do.

Also, you played any piano recently that you've recorded? I'd love to hear more of your stuff.

 

[Xe4]

I slept through my appointment with my therapist today because I'm a piece of shit.

You're not a piece of shit, I promise : )

Know the feeling though. Get it every time I sleep through class and it sucks. I'm sure your therapist understands he/she has slept through stuff too. I get scared every time I go to the therapists cause I don't want to sleep through either : )

Stay strong <3

 

[jb1234]

I'm so sorry to hear that, JB. It really hurts me that you were dealt such an awful hand as such a great guy. You're the type of person that really deserves some sort of miraculous recovery.
Hang in there as best you can... I know that's way easier said than done, but yeah.
I wish there was some way I could legitimately help you, but the best I've got is sending well wishes your way, so that's what I'll do.

Also, you played any piano recently that you've recorded? I'd love to hear more of your stuff.

I appreciate your kind words. Just for you, I recorded this Brahms a few minutes ago. It's respectable, given my mental (and physical) state.

 

[Kipp]

I appreciate your kind words. Just for you, I recorded this Brahms a few minutes ago. It's respectable, given my mental (and physical) state.

That is so incredibly kind of you. Honestly, I'm quite wasted at this point, so I'll wait til I'm a little more sober to listen to this so that I can appreciate it more. But genuinely, that is so awesome of you.

The good-ish news is that I'm wasted with my roommate, not just by myself.... So I guess that's a good thing? I don't even know. Apologies, friends.

 

[Bagels]

I feel really bitter lately, just hating people who are socially successful, have friends, relationships, are sexually active, have jobs they like and so on. All of those things are unachievable to me and the bitterness and pessimism are making them even more unachievable. Its a vicious cycle. Feels hopeless.

I've rewritten this post 5 times now, trying to make it more concise and more helpful than my usual rambling.

I write a lot of posts that I end up deleting instead of posting. There are a lot of reasons for that. With my last few, sharing about being in a better place, I debated even more than usual whether or not to say anything. As the guy whose name is on the OP, I wanted to have some kind of hopeful message about getting better, but I honestly do worry about people resenting me for having things go well. I love my friends so much for the way we celebrate each others recovery. I love that sense that we are all in it together and what we want, more than anything, is to see each other healthy and happy. It sucks to think anyone would see me out having a nice dinner with my wife, smiling, and hate me for it. So much went into getting to where I am now, and so much goes into trying to just be okay, every second of every day.

You already mentioned how destructive bitterness and anger towards other peoples lives can be, Hermii. It drives people away and makes you avoid them in turn. It really is an awful cycle. When that bitterness starts to really set in, I think the need for professional help is especially pressing.

I don't think I ever got particularly bitter, despite always knowing people who had things I desperately wanted and either could not do/get or ended up losing because of depression. What helped me was that, in being open about my struggles, I found that people were often open with me in turn. I very quickly learned that everyone I knew was struggling with things I did not know about. Often, the things they struggled with were the last things I would ever guess. I'm sure there are people leading effortlessly cheerful, fulfilling lives, but I certainly don't know them.

There is this weird thing where my ideas of who I am are so deeply ingrained, I am completely shocked to find people see me completely the opposite way. I have terrible eyesight. Like, appallingly bad. But I've worn contacts since the end of high school, so almost no one I know knows this about me. I've become way more extroverted in the past 5 years or so, and I am still weirded out that my friends from this community do not believe me when I talk about how painfully shy I have always been.

The absolute weirdest thing happened in the last year or so. My coworkers all see me as this super upbeat, cheerful guy. People do not know that I lived with basically untreatable depression for over a decade, and it's basically only come under any kind of control very, very recently. If I tell people this, they don't really seem to believe me. I have learned to be more upbeat specifically as a defense against my depression. I can understand how you cannot see that unless you know me very well, and have for a long time.

So I guess I'd say that 1) people's situations are generally not quite what they seem (especially on a place like facebook where we are all more inclined to play up the best parts of our lives) and I really think most people are struggling with things you don't know about. 2) we all want to be cheered on in our victories over mental illness, large and small. The better I get at seeing the good in other people and celebrating their successes, the kinder I learn to be to myself. 3) I know how completely unrealistic something like having a job you like can be when you are very depressed. But things can turn around in really unexpected ways. I've worked so hard at my recovery, but the things that really helped me get in a position to be able to apply for this job, and then that helped me get it, were these smaller things that I did not think were very important at the time. All these tiny little things added up to something way bigger. 4) the absolute biggest thing for me was finding a mental health community that, much as we hated and/or hate ourselves, always wants each other to get better. I love the people in here who are really cheering people on, but it's something we could do better at. 5) for almost everybody, happiness means being around people. We need friends and partners and role models and on and on. We need people. When you find that the happiness of others really pisses you off, that is massively unhealthy and unsustainable. You've got to get out of that mindset - therapy, meds, talking to the people you actually can stand right now, reading - whatever it takes, you cannot get stuck in that mental place.

 

[ptown]

This is a message for those who live with a lot of guilt or shame.

Something that is a huge relief is knowing that dysfunction did not originate from me.

It's been said if you want to see the dysfunction and madness of humanity all you have to do is look in a history book. The dysfunction, the madness, the cruelty inflicted on each other, and imbalanced path that humanity fell into was WAY, WAY before any of us were born (understanding how it got that way is another issue). We are experiencing the after effects of that human culture and whatever it has developed into today.

In whatever parts of that human culture that developed in imbalanced/unhealthy/cruel ways, I'm sure those parts have flavored many of our so-called "common" and often well-intentioned perspectives and beliefs. Possibly, one of which is some form of "You must always do your best". What happens often holding this thought I'm sure is whenever you think you didn't do your best, you need to feel guilty or be punished.

I've created my own version on this. "We are and always have been doing our best." Our best fluctuates moment to moment. However you performed yesterday, you may not feel up to today (e.g. you might be unwell or sick today). You're not a robot. You're living, breathing, constantly changing.

The "poorer" choices we make (or have made) are usually made in ignorance. We may understand some things intellectually, but until we realize something deep down, we may not actually fully understand. Sometimes, important lessons are picked up instantly; other times, it can be a more "stubborn" road and take a bit of repetition, trial and error, possibly heartache and pain...

We're all a bit like children no matter what our age is: acting based on what we know, believe, and perceive/see. Innocence (and forgiveness) is not just for children. If a child came to you for help with problems that matched yours, wouldn't you see them in a more forgiving light? That child is you just with a different age.

Guilt and shame don't need to be your motivators anymore. You don't need to be punished anymore. You've probably paid more than enough already. Is it fair to pay for something over and over?

I hope this message helps in you finding a forgiving light and uplifting support as your new motivators. These new motivators will not bring you down like the old ones did and are better suited to support your reaching a higher potential as you grow.

 

[jb1234]

That is so incredibly kind of you. Honestly, I'm quite wasted at this point, so I'll wait til I'm a little more sober to listen to this so that I can appreciate it more. But genuinely, that is so awesome of you.

The good-ish news is that I'm wasted with my roommate, not just by myself.... So I guess that's a good thing? I don't even know. Apologies, friends.

Take your time. I think sober is definitely the way to go with this music. I'm glad that you're bonding with your roommate. I want to do my part to make your transition a little easier. If Brahms helps, I'll play Brahms. If you need comforting words, I can do that too.

I spent the last seventy minutes or so on the phone with Piano, which helped a little (he usually does). Cried some (a lot, actually, for me). I feel dead. Just a complete mess. I used to be really charming on the phone. And I still need to crawl to the grocery store tonight to get some food. I haven't eaten in three days because I'm out. But I need to lose weight anyway so eh.

It sucks to think anyone would see me out having a nice dinner with my wife, smiling, and hate me for it. So much went into getting to where I am now, and so much goes into trying to just be okay, every second of every day.

When your life sucks and generally isn't where you want it to be, it's very easy to fall into that trap. Very easy and very destructive. I could look at you having dinner with your wife and think, "Man, that guy has it all. He has the spouse I want. He has the money I want. He has the Corolla I want (maybe not)." But then, that's just the outside perspective. Your challenges with your mental health are well-documented here but people who don't know you well wouldn't know that. The things we struggle with are often hidden (as best we can) and just because you have everything you want doesn't mean that you have everything you need.

(Which is basically what you wrote but I think I typed up this paragraph mostly to take a shot at your car.)

 

[User 479360]

I hung out with the friend who asked me for money, his girlfriend, and two of our other close friends tonight, at the latters' house. It was a decent night, which sucked at first but got better as we played a game.

I probably could have stayed over, but I didn't. I only had a few drinks over the course of several hours, and then DDed for the friend who pissed me off. He was better tonight and I'm a nice guy.

He also lost a parent, so he's someone I can talk to about it.

My one friend who owns the place had been bugging me to come over for months, so I can now say that I have if I don't feel up to it next time. It's awkward now that he works early, has a kid, has a girlfriend, etc. We used to be able to hang out alone.

I miss those days. They were my escape. But whenever I go over there now there's no chance to be alone, and he usually invites others. I thought tonight could just be us, but he'd already invited my other friends and she had invited her friend plus her fiance.

I'm still having a hard time with grief, though. I want to be with my Mom.

 

[A Fish Aficionado]

I'm going on antidepressants

This just gets me. It's why I'm trying against all odds to be a doc. But this is why I fight.

 

[Izuna]

People don't even believe I'm English. I went to a meetup and was told that the job I have was shit. My girlfriend is on Tinder because she can't do stuff with me. I really just... It's not even giving up anymore. There is nothing to live for.

I feel out of place everywhere. I don't have a home. I don't have a place where I grew up. I have a family that doesn't want me around...

And my worse nightmares are my memories. When a girl I liked was so embarrassed that I gave her a valentines day card, she got every school in the school to follow her and rip up the card in front of me.

I did everything I could to stay in the relationship I am in because it's really the only thing that gave me confidence. I'm never going to stop being out of place.

I don't have a reason to live.

I had so much pride in the job I got, but the meetup made me depressed and I had so much anxiety in the morning. It's my first week and I took a day off. What am I supposed to do? How can I stop feeling depressed so I can at least go on.

Society shouldn't make suicide too difficult. It shouldn't be so hard to do it without being an inconvenience to people. The quickest and most painless way is at a train station but it will affect other people watching. I can't go someone where I'll be found, or missing. I just want to opt out of this unfair and bullshit life.

 

[dity]

i'm going to be hopefully seeing a psychiatrist soon and on topic of my other conditions i won't be surprised if i end up on disability support. i'm already borderline as it is, and having a breakdown last night really showed i'm not coping.

the thyroxine i'm on for my thyroid helps my hormone imbalance but it doesn't work all day. i had to take a codeine painkiller last night to stop the hurt.

 

[25_Cans_Of_Bacon]

I don't know why I'm posting this, maybe just needing some encouragement to not give up. Here's a bit of history, sorry for the length.

I'm 38. At 20 I was hit with Aggressive Fibromatosis, which was basically a softball sized tumor in my chest growing into my left lung and pressing into my heart cavity. My nerves leading to my arm runs through it, as does my subclavian. I was Rx'd weekly Methotrexate and Vinblastine infusions to shrink it, which it did. I was on 180mg daily of oxy for pain. To make a very long story short, it was years of pure, unadulterated misery but I somehow pulled through. Had radiation to stop the growth, which it did for two years. Detoxed off oxy of my own volition. Had MRIs every 4 months to watch for growth, which it resumed not long after. Was then told I'd have to be on chronic weekly chemo for life to control it, so that's what I've been doing (on and off) until last year, when I stopped, my health be damned. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, my body's ability to bounce back was lessening (had to give myself 3 injections per week in belly fat to help leukocytes replenish), and it was affecting me mentally as well in terms of ST memory loss. But the real reason I stopped is because of the social death it was incurring. I was sick 4 days out of the week, the rest exhausted as I recovered only to be hit again on Monday. There was no social life to speak of.

Point being, this ordeal ripped me out of life for a long time and time flew by. Now, I'm incredibly depressed. I'm finding that as I come out of the other end of the tunnel, I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I'm suddenly looking at a middle aged man in the mirror with very poor health with the prospect of a horrific death hanging over my head, no career, no education past high school, sporadic, menial work experience, never been in love or even intimate with a women since 20, and I live with my parents. The stereotypical "living in your parent's basement" loser. The entire upper left quadrant of my body is disabled and I have chronic pain for which I take Vicodin to help control. I drink about 4 ounces of vodka daily to self medicate and deal with feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem and respect, the ramifications of my diagnosis, and to give me some liquid courage for severe social anxiety on the days I do go out. I'm also diagnosed Bipolar II so have mood swings which make it incredibly difficult to finish things or have any type of stability or motivation. After many years of miserable chemo, I can deal with my tumor and physical anguish. It is awful, but it's very true that it's controllable. To detach. Mental anguish is much more debilitating and mad respect to those in this thread dealing with it. Kudos guys. Anyway, not only this on my plate, I have the judgement of my three douchebag siblings on me. I come from an upper middle class family who is pretty accomplished. Brother's an Ivy league graduate who's a self-made millionaire. Father's an optical physicist who used to be a lead scientist at Lockheed. All my other siblings are successes and independent with their own families and well known and liked in their communities. Yet they judge me for being on disability, for staying at home "playing videogames all day". I can't describe their degree of ignorance, nor of my contempt towards them, and I don't wish to know them. When my parent pass, I will cease contact. They were not there when I was diagnosed......there is no love lost between any of us.

Right now I'm in college looking to pursue an English degree, to what end I don't know. Apathy fills me, which is something I had to embrace when told I may be dead in months when I was 20. There was a necessary surrender that was terrifying, but it's remained and I can't rid myself of it. I think my depression also has something to do with this. I try to engage in school and hold enthusiasm, but I can't identify with people. I'm stunted in growth mentally at 20, but no one that age wants to hang with someone twice their age....can't blame them. My actual peers? How can I relate? Mortgages? Kids? Jobs? Marriage and love? I know nothing of these things. I feel alone. Not only this, I have anger issues I can't articulate they are so immense. I'm really trying to move on with my life, but I still feel robbed of the opportunity to have made my own life at a time that was crucial to building a foundation for it. It was extraordinarily difficult to watch all my friends and peers proceed with their lives during my 20s/30s as I struggled simply to keep my head above water. To see them start families, get job promotions, buy cars, houses, pursue hobbies. Now they believe they have the right to judge me a failure?! This anger's not leaving (on the contrary actually), and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm a miserable guy to be around. I'm an angry, resentful, bitter person. I hate god. I want to hate, I feel justified in hate. This is not only directed outwards, but also inwards as well. I hate who I am, yet don't know how to change. I don't blame people for not wanting to be around me. Even on forums I can sense this. Unlike many here, I have nothing to call my own, no skill, no experience, no realm of knowledge or expertise except the ignorance common sense affords and surviving a very serious chronic illness, a subject that makes many uneasy. This knowledge is absolutely useless to providing a life worth living. There's nothing to feel like I should be respected for that society deems worthwhile. This only feeds into my self-loathing more.

Therapy's not helping. I'm honestly struggling to find a reason to live, and most of my waking life is spent in consideration of ending it. I've been contemplating suicide for many years now, and the scary thing is just how much it makes sense if looked at by any objective metric. Despite my mental illness, I believe my thinking on this to be crystal clear. I've poured my being into getting a sliver of health back, yet to what end? Why the hell did I even bother? I play video games and jack off (my only pleasures in life, aside opiates) through tears. Simple distractions and pressure releases. The only reason I haven't gone through is I will never put my mother through such pain as long as I can help it, even though she once told me in tears she'd understand if I committed suicide (this was during a period of seeing me in immense suffering from symptoms and chemo). Once she's gone though? I can't say...

But ultimately, the worst thing is the loss of hope. It's not that I'm in intolerable pain currently in any tangible sense, but that the absence of hope is approaching. It is the biggest agony there is in life to live with a fading light within the heart. When that is finally extinguised.....so am I.

 

[Kipp]

Lol. Well last night was such a blast, even if I did end up drinking like 3 drinks too many (though surprisingly I don't feel bad this morning, just a bit more tired than usual). Roommate and I just drank and played video games (Rocket League and Terraria) for hours.

I appreciate your kind words. Just for you, I recorded this Brahms a few minutes ago. It's respectable, given my mental (and physical) state.

All right, replying again now that it's the morning and I'm sober. Heh

That was such an absolute pleasure to listen to, jb. Seriously so incredible of you to do that for me. I felt so much comfort from you playing that song for me through the computer screen. Just thank you so much. What a gorgeous piece and you played it flawlessly (from what I could tell).

Also, that ending is such a playful tease, it was almost comedic. I love how it builds up to that perfect ending and then unresolves it... then does it again and you think "Okay, now THIS is the ending" and then it unresolves it again.
Hopefully you know what I mean or else I probably sound like a crazy person.

I've rewritten this post 5 times now, trying to make it more concise and more helpful than my usual rambling.
*snip*

This wasn't written towards me and I don't have anything substantial to respond with either, but I did want to mention that that was incredibly well-written and was very good to read.

 

[Bagels]

When your life sucks and generally isn't where you want it to be, it's very easy to fall into that trap. Very easy and very destructive. I could look at you having dinner with your wife and think, "Man, that guy has it all. He has the spouse I want. He has the money I want. He has the Corolla I want (maybe not)." But then, that's just the outside perspective. Your challenges with your mental health are well-documented here but people who don't know you well wouldn't know that. The things we struggle with are often hidden (as best we can) and just because you have everything you want doesn't mean that you have everything you need.

(Which is basically what you wrote but I think I typed up this paragraph mostly to take a shot at your car.)

My used Toyota Corolla is amazing. That is the one thing people should legitimately be jealous of.

This wasn't written towards me and I don't have anything substantial to respond with either, but I did want to mention that that was incredibly well-written and was very good to read.

I am trying very hard to bring my posts towards some kind of point, with a way that someone could actually do something to start getting better. I have a real bias for intense contemplation over action and I realize it feeds my depression. I recently started a book about the Jesuits and another about existentialism and one thing I have taken from both books is trying to live a thoughtful, deliberate, reflective life, but doing so out in the actual world.

So, anyway, i'm trying to figure out what I have actually done that helped, especially if it is something someone else can try.

Example: brag to JB about your sweet wheels. I feel incredible every time.