Living with Someone with Depression
I don't know how many of my 2 or 3 regular readers will know this, but I have at one point been diagnosed with depression. The symptoms has been going on for about as long as I have had pubic hairs. And no, I don't think pubic hairs are to blame. I just take advantage of every opportunity to say "pubic".
I have been doing quite well for quite a while, but I believe that one is never completely out of the woods if your disposition and behavior pattern for so long expressed the patterns of depression. I am open to being proven wrong in this, though.
One of the typical experiences one has as a person with depression is how crazy we drive our partners, family and friends some times. I know I have burned out plenty in my lifetime. The worst part is that you can see yourself behaving in this terrible way and often can't stop.
So I thought I would write a little about some things I have learned that work and don't work for me (I don't expect this to be a scientific treatise, just the experience of one individual in his particular journey).
When dealing with a depressive person don't::
Don't tell them to shake it off. I think this the #1 advice psychologists have given for ages and it is still the #1 thing people tell you when you are having a depressive episode. The main thing that bothers me when people say this is that they assume that a) it is shakeable (like a coconut in a tree) and b) that you haven't tried shaking it off. Well, I believe most people would agree that the lethargy, constant mental artillery and isolation that come with depression are NOT rewarding. I may be wrong, however, and maybe during depressive states those things actually become rewarding in a warped limbic system. I doubt it though, it feels like shit. So DON'T say shake it off, or any of the variants like stop thinking about bad things, or think about My Little Ponies, or any of that shit.
Don't disregard their experience. One thing that is very common is that people will tell you things like "There's people born with two heads that learn to sing country music and YOU are sad for no reason at all?". First of all, thanks for linking me to that, you scumbag; I hate country music. Second of all, I have met many depressive people (ranging from dysthymia to full blown major depression) and they ALL know it is out of whack. They are all aware that their lives are not nearly as bad as some people. They are all aware that millions of people will trade places with them. Depressed people are aware of this, I am confident in stating that. Not only that, but it is one of the theme songs that our depressed brains broadcast to ourselves. What is invisible to the eye, is the unrelenting stereophonic high fidelity blasting of self beratement that occurs 24/7 in that noggin of ours while we are depressed. Trust me, it's not a hospitable place to be.
Don't sink with them. There is a balance where you understand their feelings but don't dwell on them. The worst thing in my experience, is making someone sad because I am depressed. So acknowledge their pain, but you don't have to stay. Most depressive episodes work themselves out with time (at least mine have for the most part). I understand this makes the people who care about us feel a little helpless. And I'm sorry.
When dealing with a depressive person do::
Help them realize they are having an episode. I wake up one day, I realize that everybody hates me. They are all giving me very strange looks in the hallway and I wonder if I have dog poo in my shoe. Everybody seems to be against me or holding a big secret from me about how much I really suck. For some reason, even after 2 decades, I fail to recognize at that moment that I am having an episode. I honestly believe that some days the whole world thinks that I suck and I join the party. I have found it immensely helpful when someone reminds me that this is very similar to the last time I was depressed, and that when my mood cleared, the environment was back to normal. Even during the middle of the day! Just goes to show you how pervasive the mental self abuse is, it affects your perceptions in all their entirety.
Support their decisions regarding treatment. I was against medication. I remember quite clearly telling a friend that I didn't agree with her taking medication. I was proud of harboring this depression for so long and dealing with it sans medication. The problem is, I got worse. Less than a year after that I was having constant and pervasive "wimpy suicide ideations". Which is what I call when you hope a car hits you or someone shoots you, without getting your hands dirty. I took medication for a period of time and it worked. I am off them now, but I recognize that it was very helpful during that period. Also support them if they want to go to therapy or if they find that therapy isn't working for them.
Admitting you suffer/have suffered from depression is hard. I think I would rather be here telling people that I am a furry. For some reason, it is the hardest thing to admit, but it exists and it is there. Whether it is nothing else than prolonged negativity with no discernible cause or it is because of neurotransmitter imbalances or a combination of the two I can't say. But it is a human state that can cause hardships and I now see it no differently than an illness. We can still be awesome people, it is just that sometimes we see things a little differently.
